Automobile Jokes

Following is our collection of auto humor and ford one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Automobile puns for adults, dirty pontiac jokes or clean porsche gags for kids.

There is an abundance of mileage jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 34 funniest jokes on automobile. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any convertible witze you can hear about automobile.

The Best jokes about Automobile

A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down.

AAA (Antarctic Automobile Assn) tows it to the garage in the nearest town, where the mechanic says he has time to look at it, give him half an hour.

The penguin wanders down the street to an ice cream shop and decides to beat the heat with a cone of his favorite flavor, vanilla. Of course, being a penguin, with flippers instead of hands, as well as a beak, he makes a huge mess and gets ice cream all over his face. Hoe goes back to the garage, where the mechanic tells him "looks like you blew a seal."

"No," says the penguin. "That's just ice cream."

What has 10 letters and starts with Gas?

Automobile

Saw some great soviet jokes on here. Here's one from President Reagan...

Buying a car in the Soviet Union is not quite so easy as buying a car in the United States. There's a terrible automobile shortage so you have to pay the money up front and then wait, sometimes many years, until a car is made available to you.
On one occasion, at the height of the shortage, a man went down to his local dealership to buy a car. After he had accepted the man's money and the paperwork had been signed, the dealer informed the man that his car would be ready in 10 years and that he could come back then and pick it up.
Taking note of the date, the man turned to leave but paused on his way out the door and asked, "morning or afternoon?"
"It's 10 years from now, what difference does it make?" replied the dealer.
"Well, I'm busy in the morning." said the man.
Confused, the dealer asked, "what could you possibly have planned for the morning ten years from today?"
"The plumber's coming to fix my sink," replied the man.

My wife told me I had to give up drinking

So I joined the AA.
Unfortunately, I joined the Automobile Association by mistake.
At least either way I'm on the road to recovery.

What has 10 letters and starts with Gas?

Automobile!
Everyone says gasoline because they don't think about it.


What is a ten letter word that starts with gas.

Automobile

A police officer on patrol is flagged down by a guy on foot.

The guy slowly walks up to the patrol car and says, "Offisher, I wish to report a stolen aut... auto... automobile."

"You say your car's been stolen?"

"Yesh, orficer, that is corr.. correc... right."

"Sir, have you been drinking tonight?"

"A little bit."

"Then you shouldn't be driving, sir."

"I have no inten... inten... plans to drive. But my car has been stolen."

"Maybe you just forgot where you left it."

"Imposh... imposh... no. I know right where it was."

"Where was that?"

"Right here on the end of this key."

"Seriously? OK, sir. I'll take you to the station and we can fill out a report. Before we do, I have to tell you that you're unzipped and you're exposing yourself. You're going to need to tuck it away and zip up"

The guy looks down and says, "Oh my god, they got my girl, too!"

What do you get when you cross the Queen and Prince Charles?

Killed in an automobile accident.

Lawyer and Witness

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying.
The following exchange took place between the lawyer
and the witness:

The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"

The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident
happened?"

The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well,
sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly
that distance?"

The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took
out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer
would ask me that question."

Steve Rogers gets into Santa Claus's automobile...

...and is immediately shot dead.

RIP Steve Rogers.

He was capped in a merry car.

Heard this joke by Reagan today-wanted to share

Its hard to get an automobile in the soviet union. They are owned mainly by elite bureaucrats. In a car incident, Gorbachev was late from getting to the Kremlin from his house. He told the chauffer, "Look we are running late so let me drive. I insist." So He told the Chaufer to get in the back and he drove. Meanwhile the police were given strict orders to ticket anyone speeding no matter how important. So they were speeding down Moscow and two motorcycle cops pulled them over but didn't ticket him after he saw who it was. He goes back to the station and talks about it and was asked, "Why didn't you ticket him? "Too important." "Who was it?" "I didn't recognize him, but his driver was Gorbachev!"


Science jokes

Thought i'd make a post compiling a few of my favourite science jokes. You can add your favourites in the comments below.


Q: How many physicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to hold the lightbulb, and the other to rotate the universe around it.


Q: What's the difference between a quantum mechanic and an automobile mechanic?

A: The quantum mechanic doesn't have to open his garage door to get his car out.


Werner Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding. The officer asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?. Heisenberg replies "No, but I know where I am."

The locked car...

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" His reply: "I know. I already got that side."

Dad joke: what would happen if everyone in a country drove a pink automobile?

We would have a pink car nation.

(Like the flower..... ok I'll see myself out...)

What do you get when you cross an automobile with a household animal?

A very upset child.

if everyone in the United States drove a pink automobile what would we have?

a pink carnation

What do you call a dinosaur with a super high automobile insurance premium?

Tyrannosaurus Wrecks

An officer stops a speeding automobile on the highway which was driving two times the speed limit.

The driver steps out full of remorse.

"Sorry officer, was I driving too fast?"

"Nah, you were flying too low"

Why do police officers keep water in the automobile trunk?

Because they don't want the siren to die.


Author Unknown

"A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense."

What's an automobiles favorite article of clothing?

A CARdigan

My uncle has a television set in his automobile, but it led to a little trouble.

You see, he was sitting in the car, watching television, while his wife was driving on the highway at sixty miles per hour.

Then the commercial came on, and he stepped out to go to the bathroom

What is a Karen America?

An automobile.

Two Slugs Go To the Races

Two slugs attend an automobile derby at which all of the drivers are snails. The two arrive in the middle of the race, and they quickly realize that while other races may have their cars numbered, this derby labels the vehicles with letters from A to Z. They're surprised by this, but quickly find that it makes identifying the cars much easier.

As they find their seats, they hear the growling of an engine off in the distance. Both turn to look just in time to see one of the snail motorists go whipping past them, far ahead of the competition. One slug turns to the other and says, "Look at that S car go!"

What happened to the man who stole an automobile but died when he crashed and burned it during a police chase?

He was incarcinerated.

What do you call a Nazi's automobile?

A swastikar.

Wrote a joke.

I wrote this joke- Where does Frankenstein's automobile go to rest..?
Boris' Karl loft.

Ok folks, all you automobile experts, I need your advice. I'm ready to buy a brand new top model fast car, budgeting around a million. Can you please suggest..............

..............Where can I get the money from?

Hear about the guy that built a car by stealing it piece by piece?

Well, it's a '49, '50, '51, '52, '53, '54, '55, '56, '57, '58, '59 automobile

What type of automobile do petite barrel-makers prefer?

Mini Cooper.

What do you call phone sex in a car?

Auto-mobile sex

What do you call a luxury automobile with a built in Artificial intelligence?

Alexus.

What is the saddest automobile?

The Saab.

They are going to change the name of the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) as people kept getting it mixed up with AA (automobile Association)

The new name will be The Royal alcoholics Club...the RAC!

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes