Automatic Jokes

52 automatic jokes and hilarious automatic puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about automatic that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Automatic Short Jokes

Short automatic jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The automatic humour may include short automated jokes also.

  1. I invented a new golf ball that'll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches. Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.
  2. What do men and excel have in common? They're always automatically turning things into dates when they're not.
  3. I invented a new golf ball for amateurs that will automatically go in the hole if you get it within four inches. Disclaimer: Do not carry it in your back pocket!
  4. Lockdown here in Australia is confusing. I have no idea what's open or closed anymore. I just walk up to the automatic doors and if my face hits the glass I just turn around and go home.
  5. Obama calls for greater truck control laws. Apparently the the truck in France had a fully automatic transmission.
  6. Have you heard about the device that automatically swaps out Xbox discs for you? It's a game changer.
  7. - Manuel, is your car automatic? \- It's manual.
    \- oh sorry... Manual, is your car automatic?
  8. Not to insult any history purists but... Why did Winston Churchill trade his manual for an automatic?
    He hated stall'in.
  9. Every time I walk into a restaurant... I automatically find the condiments, because my Heinz-sight is 20/20.
  10. I trust escalators even less than stairs… Because, unlike stairs, they are automatically up to something.

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Automatic One Liners

Which automatic one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with automatic? I can suggest the ones about manual and auto correct.

  1. Why does lebron james drive automatic? He has no clutch.
  2. At first I couldn't figure out my automatic armor but then it donned on me.
  3. What do you call a machine that automatically paddles your boat? A row bot.
  4. Why are automatic vehicles difficult to drive? Because they don't come with a manual
  5. Why does the philosopher have an automatic car..? Because he Kant drive Immanuel.
  6. If you use Chuck Norris in a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors, you automatically win.
  7. I got pretty annoyed by the automatic door earlier. But I just let it slide.
  8. So a bunch of Japanese soldiers walked into a bar By bar I mean Browning Automatic Rifle
  9. Do criminals who stutter automatically get longer sentences?
  10. Driving an automatic transmission car is like riding a bike Only two pedals
  11. The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
  12. ‪I hereby declare anything black and white in the ratio 5:1 is automatically a meme.‬
  13. What do you call an automatic goalkeeping machine? Automatic Neuer
  14. What do Emos and automatic lights have in common? They'll both off themselves eventually.
  15. If you win three games of Twister in a row you're automatically a yoga instructor.

Semi Automatic Jokes

Here is a list of funny semi automatic jokes and even better semi automatic puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Kalahsnikov is making an electric and a hybrid car. It'll come in two transmissions: automatic and semi-automatic
  • Two members of Welsh rock band The Automatic have quit. The remaining two now call themselves The Semi-automatic.
  • The only way to stop this nonsense is to arm everyone with a semi-automatic. -- NRA spokesperson
Automatic joke, The only way to stop this nonsense is to arm everyone with a semi-automatic.

Happy Automatic Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends

What funny jokes about automatic you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean instant jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make automatic pranks.

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first chemist, who had a major disagreement with the second and knows the second chemist only drink water, says to the bartender, "I'll take some H2O."
The second chemist automatically responds, "I'll take some H2O too."
The bartender shrugs then turns around and promptly gives the first chemist his glass of water, and the second chemist a glass of water too... because the bartender is an adult and can infer meaning from contextual clues.

Password reset

A man was was unable to log into his online banking account and he pulled up the online chat support.
"I put in my password and I cannot access my account"
"Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one."
"Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?"

"No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one."

"Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty well?"

"Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 90 days."

"Can I use the old one and just re-register it?"

"No, you must get a new one."

"I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember."

"Sorry, you must get a new one."

"OK, roses."

"Sorry you must use more letters."

"OK, pretty roses"

"No good, you must use at least one numerical character."

"OK, 1 pretty rose"
"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."

"OK, 1prettyrose"

"Sorry, you must use additional characters."

"OK, 1fuckingprettyrose"

"Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter."


"Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row."

"OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose"

"Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters."

"OK, 1Fuckingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow"
"Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used"

Recently a new supermarket opened nearby

It has an automatic water mist generator to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it starts the mist, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk section, you hear cows mooing and you get the scent of freshly cut hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg counter, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more…

Overcrowded church

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

An old man goes back to bed ...

And asks his wife " does the light in our bathroom turn on and off automatically ", she replies with "No why?", the old man sighs and says "well.... I'm going to buy a new fridge tomorrow"

A 50 year old man is at the gym with his personal trainer when they both see a fit, drop-dead gorgeous woman of about 40 enter.

The man watches as the woman walks to the desk to check in then asks his trainer, "what machine should I use to impress her?"
The trainer looks at the woman then at the man then back at the woman and again more closely at the man and responds, "the Automatic Teller Machine."

If you see a bunch of b**... birds

Don't automatically assume it's a m**... of crows.
You can't have a m**... without probable caws.

I was sitting on an automatic toilet when it malfunctioned and abruptly flushed underneath me…

Scared the s**... outta me.

You're automatically entered in the World Health Organization's raffle for a new 2003 Pontiac v**...

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, it just won't move at all. After trying to drive at night for a week, with no luck, she furiously calls the dealers and they send out a technician to help...

He examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it, so he asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"
Full of anger, she growls, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not s**... you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."

When in doubt ...

Wife : I doubt my husband has been cheating on me.... I have doubt on one woman we both know.... What to do?
Shrink: Take your husband to that woman's doorstep and see if his wi-fi connects automatically.

Have you heard of Polish Roulette?

It's just like Russian Roulette but you use an automatic.

I set my Reddit so that it would automatically hide posts I've already opened.

It doesn't seem to work on this subreddit though.

Instead of "guys", use "comrades" in your talks at conferences.

It's a good way to get the audience. And maybe automatic recording.

If the babysitter is present when your child takes their first steps...

...they are automatically promoted to babystander.

When I post a joke on my ten year cake day, it automatically becomes a dad joke.

It's become full groan...

My automatic toilet is the absolute worst. Sometimes it flushes before I even use it.

It suffers from p**... evacuation.

What did the Witch say when the Broom Salesman showed her a Vacuum?

I don't want an automatic

Why do women not propose to men?

Because as soon as a woman goes down on her knees, a man automatically unzips.

Why does Drax avoid automatically flushing toilets?

They flush early when he stands still.

After replacing their old C++ code with Google's new programming language, Tinder can now automatically detect its users' age

This is because it's a Carbon dating app.

Automatic joke, What do you call a machine that automatically paddles your boat?

jokes about automatic