Authorities Jokes
84 authorities jokes and hilarious authorities puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about authorities that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Authorities Short Jokes
Short authorities jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The authorities humour may include short government officials jokes also.
- Have a turkish joke A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book. The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author"
- Last night I dreamed I was the author of The Lord of the Rings. I've been Tolkien in my sleep.
- Authorities close investigation on the group of hipsters found dead in a pond last week. Turns out they were ice skating before it was cool.
- A mathematician, a college professor, and a textbook author walk into a bar. *[The punchline is left as an exercise for the reader.]*
- Thinking of changing my name to Authorized Personnel Imagine the places I could go with a name like that.
- Did you hear about the lego truck that crashed on the highway? Authorities are still trying to piece everything together...
- Authorities fear that the collapsed bridge in Genoa was made with 'mafia' concrete..... ....they've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.
- Doctor of death! Impressively, only 2% of the people I operated on died last year. But for some reason the authorities think that's too high for a dentist.
- If you see a monk going door to door selling flowers in your neighborhood, call the authorities immediately. Because only YOU can prevent florist friars.
- I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, so I immediately reported him to the authorities... Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck!
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Authorities One Liners
Which authorities one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with authorities? I can suggest the ones about law enforcement and administration.
- What is the highest religious authority among oranges called? The Pulp.
- A man with authority walks into a bar... Orders everyone a round
- What's an author's favorite drink? Tequila Mockingbird.
(Yes I know it's horrible :P) - What if Thor become Gold Thor? He will become an Author.
- Do you know about the Chinese author who wrote a million page book? It was Wei Tu Long.
- Someone stole all the toilet seats at the station! Authorities have nothing to go on.
- Which Science-Fiction author is the best source of liquid mercury? HG Wells.
- What is it called when a novelist has joint pain? Authoritis
- What author could write the best book on extracting mercury from the earth? Hg Wells
- What do you call a female author? paige Turner
- Why doesn't the bible have an "about the author"? It was written by a holy-ghostwriter
- Too many authors to cite? No problem et al.
- Which Russian author never paid his respects? Dusty F Key
- Author Unknown "A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense."
- What happens when the God Of Thunder starts writing books? He becomes an author.
Local Authorities Jokes
Here is a list of funny local authorities jokes and even better local authorities puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Today the authorities busted the local T-Rex shop, causing a huge uproar amongst the dinosaur community Apparently he was a small-arms dealer
Fun-Filled Authorities Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about authorities you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cops jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make authorities pranks.
I don't understand how Authorities can tell us that we "Can't Negotiate with terrorists..."
I just got a free can of Coke with my kebab...
A DEA agent and a rancher
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE.........!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Helicopter c**...
A helicopter crashed today over a cemetery on the outskirts of the city. So far the authorities have recovered over 200 bodies.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Exception to the rule
The First Sergeant noticed a new private one day and and barked at him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the First Sergeant asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The First Sergeant scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal p**... stuff they're teaching troops in Basic today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my privates by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as 'First Sergeant.' Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, First Sergeant!"
"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling, First Sergeant!"
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do l**... prefer going to sports Authority?
They don't like d**......
Why are dyslexic authors so friendly?
They don't know the difference between smiles and metaphors.
Took a Cab Home
With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with all of you about drinking and driving.
As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several drinks of Scotch followed by some rather nice red wine... a dry Chianti I think it was. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before, I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I'm not sure what to do with it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did Michael Sam, the first openly gay NFL player, say he doesn't shop at Sports Authority?
Because he prefers d**...'s.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why doesn't Justin Bieber like Sports Authority?
Because he likes d**....
Did John Knott mind being the only cited author on his group's research paper?
Knott, et al.
Breaking News: A ship carrying red paint just collided with a ship carrying purple paint, in the South China Sea.
Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a man of high authority, s**... out of his mind strolling along in the forest?
Hiking
Ukrainian authorities are planning to turn the Chernobyl exclusion zone into an amusement park
They say the only difference between it and Disneyland will be that the six foot tall mouse isn't a costume.
Breaking Celebrity News! Academy Award winning Actor, Simmons, and children's book Author, Rowling, eloped earlier today.
JK
Read a book about gay marriage in Ireland
The authors' names are: Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the e**... novel author get from his editor?
Sticky notes.
What did he get from his publisher?
A hard copy.
You know what they say about citing a source with more than 2 authors..
It's not hard et al.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Reports of terrible flooding in Pakistan
Authorities fear it was the work of a s**... plumber
What letter do pirate's hate the most?
Dear Charter Internet Customer:
Charter Communications ("Charter") has been notified by a copyright owner, or its authorized agent, that your Internet account may have been involved in the exchange of unauthorized copies of copyrighted material (e.g., music, movies, or software). We are attaching a copy of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) notice that Charter received from the copyright holder which includes the specific allegation.
Authorities have released the name of the United passenger from yesterday's incident
Soo Yoo
While driving home I heard on the radio that convicts had escaped a prisoner transport after colliding with a concrete truck.
Authorities say to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Captain Morgan now facing s**... assault accusations. Local authorities asking victims one question.
Have you had a little Captain in you?
The author of what's been described as the world's worst thesaurus has dismissed the comments.
He's described the comments as unfair, unfair and unfair.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was subject to a full cavity search by the authorities yesterday.
I would say it was hands *down* the s**... part of my life, but...
A man recently took an author to court after he was sold a book that only contained five words.
He received a short sentence.
Turkish Political Humor
Current Turkish gallows humour: A prisoner goes to the prison library, asks for a specific book. The guard tells him, "we don't have that book... but we do have the author." From Moshik_Temkin on Twitter
Did you hear about the author who got half the length of all of his fingers chopped off?
He writes everything in shorthand now
Two mexicans attempted to rob an old train for its parts
Authorities say it's a loco motive
The police were called to a NASCAR event when belligerent fans became violent after being asked to remove the Confederate flags they had brought to the event.
Authorities believe it to be race-related.
A new disease in France turns people into bread.
French authorities are unable to contain the spread, and the disease begins to make its way through Europe and to the rest of the world.
It's a paindemic.
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
I said, "How?"
I read that Snap, Crackle and Pop were found murdered along with Captain Crunch and Tony the Tiger
Authorities suspect it's the work of a cereal killer.
A Bar opened opposite a Mosque!
The angry congregants of the Mosque prayed daily against the business....
Days later the Bar was struck by lightning and caught fire .
The Bar owner sued the Mosque authorities for the cause , as an action by their prayer...
The Mosque denied all responsibility!
So, the judge commented:
It's difficult to decide the case because we have a Bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire group of Mosque congregants that does not believe in it !!!
The case is hereby dismissed!
Russian literature is built on suffering.
Either the character suffers, the author suffers, or the reader suffers. If all three are suffering, then it's considered a Russian masterpiece.
I heard your son in the university is quite an author. Does he write for money?
"Yes, in every letter."
Probably done before: What's a pirate's LEAST favourite letter?
Dear Mr Redbeard,
It has come to our attention that you have been illegally duplicating and reselling copywrited movies without permission.
As such, and utilising the full jurisdiction of the Federal Communications Authority, you are subpoenaed to appear before the Federal Supreme Court to face charges on the time and date so indicated below.
Regards,
J. L. Peabody
Chief Video Piracy Investigator
You are being sarcastic
Years ago, in a very toxic workplace, my manager called me to a meeting and told me that I am using sarcasm and it undermines his authority
I looked at him and asked: Who, me?
--- true story
Harry Potter Joke
While assembling a new shelf for the wife she instructed me. "Don't mess up the floor!" So I threw down the flatten box with authority and proclaimed, "Protecto Dafloor'um"
The eye rolls for her and the kids were priceless!
Authorities in Lake Tahoe are on the lookout for three bears that have collectively broken into more than 30 homes
Current leads suggest that the bears' location to be somewhere in the goldilock zone
A monkey escaped from the petting zoo.
He rode out the gates on the back of a baby sheep.
Authorities have stated that he is on the lamb.
A case study has found trampolines are involved in half of all ER admissions for under-14's.
The authors said the problem is tumbling out of control.
a russian man
(Not my joke, it's a classic)
A russian man places a call to the local authorities.
He says, "Comrade Commissar, I want to report that my parrot has escaped."
Annoyed, the Commissar replies, "Comrade, we have much more important things to do than trying to find your parrot."
-
The man says, "I don't expect you to try and find him, comrade, I just want to be clear that I don't share his opinions."
How long will it take an author to write "The Guide To All The World's Great Beers"?
It depends on how many drafts they have to go through.
I have a civil service joke to tell
…but before you can hear it you need to complete Form P-994731XT, in triplicate, then have it notarized, then file it with the Department of Jokes, who will review it within 120 days, and if it is approved they'll issue you a Form 771F, which, when filed with the IRS authorizes you to receive an appropriate tax status for said joke, after which upon completion of Form 11 and re-submission to the Department of Jokes you are eligible to enter the Joke Receipt Pool, after which you should receive your joke in 18-24 months.
