Authorities Jokes
87 authorities jokes and hilarious authorities puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about authorities that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Authorities Short Jokes
Short authorities jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The authorities humour may include short government officials jokes also.
- My author friend claims that he 'accidentally' glued himself to his autobiography, but I don't believe him. But that's his story, and he's sticking to it.
- Have a turkish joke A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book. The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author"
- Last night I dreamed I was the author of The Lord of the Rings. I've been Tolkien in my sleep.
- Authorities close investigation on the group of hipsters found dead in a pond last week. Turns out they were ice skating before it was cool.
- A hole has been discovered in the fence that surrounds a nudist camp. Authorities are looking into it.
- A mathematician, a college professor, and a textbook author walk into a bar. *[The punchline is left as an exercise for the reader.]*
- Thinking of changing my name to Authorized Personnel Imagine the places I could go with a name like that.
- Did you hear about the lego truck that crashed on the highway? Authorities are still trying to piece everything together...
- I'm pretty sure God is a Black Woman Who else would be a single parent whose Son was killed by the authorities under suspicious circumstances?
- Authorities fear that the collapsed bridge in Genoa was made with 'mafia' concrete..... ....they've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.
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Authorities One Liners
Which authorities one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with authorities? I can suggest the ones about law enforcement and lords.
- How does the author of harry potter get down a hill? By walking. JK. Rolling
- What is the highest religious authority among oranges called? The Pulp.
- A man with authority walks into a bar... Orders everyone a round
- What's an author's favorite drink? Tequila Mockingbird.
(Yes I know it's horrible :P) - What if Thor become Gold Thor? He will become an Author.
- Do you know about the Chinese author who wrote a million page book? It was Wei Tu Long.
- Someone stole all the toilet seats at the station! Authorities have nothing to go on.
- Which Science-Fiction author is the best source of liquid mercury? HG Wells.
- What is it called when a novelist has joint pain? Authoritis
- What author could write the best book on extracting mercury from the earth? Hg Wells
- What do you call a female author? paige Turner
- Why doesn't the bible have an "about the author"? It was written by a holy-ghostwriter
- Too many authors to cite? No problem et al.
- Which Russian author never paid his respects? Dusty F Key
- Author Unknown "A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense."
Local Authorities Jokes
Here is a list of funny local authorities jokes and even better local authorities puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A dwarf who is a mystic escapes from jail. The local authorities warned the people of a small medium at large
- Today the authorities busted the local T-Rex shop, causing a huge uproar amongst the dinosaur community Apparently he was a small-arms dealer
- Captain Morgan now facing s**... assault accusations. Local authorities asking victims one question. Have you had a little Captain in you?
- What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy Gang r**...
testing the water to see if I get referred to the local authorities also, inspired by someone else with a r**... joke
Fun-Filled Authorities Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about authorities you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean laws jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make authorities pranks.
I don't understand how Authorities can tell us that we "Can't Negotiate with terrorists..."
I just got a free can of Coke with my kebab...
A DEA agent and a rancher
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE.........!!"
Why did the lesbian go to sports Authority?
because she didn't like d**....
Helicopter c**...
A helicopter crashed today over a cemetery on the outskirts of the city. So far the authorities have recovered over 200 bodies.
Exception to the rule
The First Sergeant noticed a new private one day and and barked at him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the First Sergeant asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The First Sergeant scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal p**... stuff they're teaching troops in Basic today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my privates by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as 'First Sergeant.' Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, First Sergeant!"
"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling, First Sergeant!"
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
Why do l**... prefer going to Sports Authority?
They don't like d**......
Difference between Port Authority and a lobster with breast implants?
One's a crusty bus station...
The other's a b**... crustacean!
Art Thief
An art thief pulls off an incredible heist at the Louvre. He loads a bunch of priceless paintings in the back of his van and drives off.
He is about to make the perfect getaway when his van suddenly stops. The authorities nab him, and one of them asks "what happened to the van?"
The thief replies:
"I did not have the Monet
to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh"
Why are dyslexic authors so friendly?
They don't know the difference between smiles and metaphors.
Took a Cab Home
With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with all of you about drinking and driving.
As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several drinks of Scotch followed by some rather nice red wine... a dry Chianti I think it was. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before, I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I'm not sure what to do with it.
Why did Michael Sam, the first openly gay NFL player, say he doesn't shop at Sports Authority?
Because he prefers d**...'s.
Why doesn't Justin Bieber like Sports Authority?
Because he likes d**....
Breaking News: A ship carrying red paint just collided with a ship carrying purple paint, in the South China Sea.
Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned
What do you call a man of high authority, s**... out of his mind strolling along in the forest?
Hiking
Ukrainian authorities are planning to turn the Chernobyl exclusion zone into an amusement park
They say the only difference between it and Disneyland will be that the six foot tall mouse isn't a costume.
Why do l**... shop at Sports Authority..
Because they hate d**...'s
Last night, a two-seat, single engine plane crashed in a Polish cemetery.
Polish authorities report that they have recovered five hundred bodies so far and believe thousands more may still be found.
Read a book about gay marriage in Ireland
The authors' names are: Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.
What did the e**... novel author get from his editor?
Sticky notes.
What did he get from his publisher?
A hard copy.
You know what they say about citing a source with more than 2 authors..
It's not hard et al.
Reports of terrible flooding in Pakistan
Authorities fear it was the work of a s**... plumber
What letter do pirate's hate the most?
Dear Charter Internet Customer:
Charter Communications ("Charter") has been notified by a copyright owner, or its authorized agent, that your Internet account may have been involved in the exchange of unauthorized copies of copyrighted material (e.g., music, movies, or software). We are attaching a copy of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) notice that Charter received from the copyright holder which includes the specific allegation.
Doctor of death!
Impressively, only 2% of the people I operated on died last year. But for some reason the authorities think that's too high for a dentist.
The author of what's been described as the world's worst thesaurus has dismissed the comments.
He's described the comments as unfair, unfair and unfair.
A man recently took an author to court after he was sold a book that only contained five words.
He received a short sentence.
Turkish Political Humor
Current Turkish gallows humour: A prisoner goes to the prison library, asks for a specific book. The guard tells him, "we don't have that book... but we do have the author." From Moshik_Temkin on Twitter
Did you hear about the author who got half the length of all of his fingers chopped off?
He writes everything in shorthand now
Why do l**... shop at Sports Authority?
Because they don't like d**....
Did you hear about the Mexican train conductor wanted for m**...?
The authorities are saying he had loco motives.
A new disease in France turns people into bread.
French authorities are unable to contain the spread, and the disease begins to make its way through Europe and to the rest of the world.
It's a paindemic.
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
I said, "How?"
My grandad predicted that the Titanic would sink
He went to great pains to try and alert everyone. Sadly no one would listen. He told people in authority, middle-management and even the every-day punters who bought tickets. He was silenced from every corner in spite of all the evidence he put forward. Eventually he was forcibly removed from the cinema.
I read that Snap, Crackle and Pop were found murdered along with Captain Crunch and Tony the Tiger
Authorities suspect it's the work of a cereal killer.
A Bar opened opposite a Mosque!
The angry congregants of the Mosque prayed daily against the business....
Days later the Bar was struck by lightning and caught fire .
The Bar owner sued the Mosque authorities for the cause , as an action by their prayer...
The Mosque denied all responsibility!
So, the judge commented:
It's difficult to decide the case because we have a Bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire group of Mosque congregants that does not believe in it !!!
The case is hereby dismissed!
Turkish Joke
A prisoner goes to the warden and asks for a book. The guard makes a phone call then says:
We don't have the book but we have the author across the hall.
Probably done before: What's a pirate's LEAST favourite letter?
Dear Mr Redbeard,
It has come to our attention that you have been illegally duplicating and reselling copywrited movies without permission.
As such, and utilising the full jurisdiction of the Federal Communications Authority, you are subpoenaed to appear before the Federal Supreme Court to face charges on the time and date so indicated below.
Regards,
J. L. Peabody
Chief Video Piracy Investigator
Harry Potter Joke
While assembling a new shelf for the wife she instructed me. "Don't mess up the floor!" So I threw down the flatten box with authority and proclaimed, "Protecto Dafloor'um"
The eye rolls for her and the kids were priceless!
A monkey escaped from the petting zoo.
He rode out the gates on the back of a baby sheep.
Authorities have stated that he is on the lamb.
Last night I dreamed I was the author of a successful fantasy series…
Wife said I've been Tolkien in my sleep
Breaking News
At Miami International Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement which has struck t**... into the lives of many for generations. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
t**...
At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
If you see a monk going door to door selling flowers in your neighborhood, call the authorities immediately.
Because only YOU can prevent florist friars.
a russian man
(Not my joke, it's a classic)
A russian man places a call to the local authorities.
He says, "Comrade Commissar, I want to report that my parrot has escaped."
Annoyed, the Commissar replies, "Comrade, we have much more important things to do than trying to find your parrot."
-
The man says, "I don't expect you to try and find him, comrade, I just want to be clear that I don't share his opinions."
How long will it take an author to write "The Guide To All The World's Great Beers"?
It depends on how many drafts they have to go through.
I have a civil service joke to tell
…but before you can hear it you need to complete Form P-994731XT, in triplicate, then have it notarized, then file it with the Department of Jokes, who will review it within 120 days, and if it is approved they'll issue you a Form 771F, which, when filed with the IRS authorizes you to receive an appropriate tax status for said joke, after which upon completion of Form 11 and re-submission to the Department of Jokes you are eligible to enter the Joke Receipt Pool, after which you should receive your joke in 18-24 months.
I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, so I immediately reported him to the authorities...
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck!
