Australians Jokes

What are some Australians jokes?

Australians don't have sex

Australians mate

How do Australians know who won the chess game?

They check, mate.

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

I don't understand how Australians can be homophonic.

I mean, G'day is just gay with a d rammed into it.

They say criminals often return to the scene of the crime

That must be why there's so many Australians in London nowadays

What is one thing that both Australians & Americans share the same view on?

1961

For the Australians out there!

Tony was at school this morning when the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out: Policeman, Fireman, Salesman, etc. But Tony was being uncharacteristically quiet and so teacher asked him about his father.

'My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.'

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little tony aside to ask him if that was really true.
'No' said Tony, 'He plays cricket for Australia, but I was just too embarrassed to say'.

Australians

An australian tourist flies to america. He is unpacking his bags in a hotel, rents a motorcycle and start driving. He goes 70MPH in a 40MPH speed limit roas, whan a cup is telling him to pull over. The police officer yells at him: "What is wrong with you, man?!?! Did you came here to die?!"
"No," the tourist said, "I came here yesterday"

What do Australians and wetting yourself in the basement have in common?

They're both incontinence down under.

Did you know that camels aren't indigenous to Australia? They were shipped there by the British.

Oddly enough, so were the Australians.

What do Australians get from education?

Koalafications

From the Gallipoli campaign in World War I...

The Australians are interrogating a captured Turkish soldier, when finally poor Mehmet has a question for them.

"Why do you call God such awful names? Why do you curse Him when your soldiers go into battle?"

The Aussies were surprised. "What do you mean?"

"Well, when we Turks leap out of our trenches and charge your lines, we cry 'Allah! Allah!' But when you charge us, you shout 'Bloody BASTAAARRRDD!!!'"

Why do Australians abroad always work in pubs?

They're used to being behind bars.

How do Australians find sheep in the long grass?

Irresistible...

Why do Australians call each other mate?

They were all inmates

How do Australians have babies?

They mate.

Australians don't mate...

They didgeridoo-it.

What do Australians call upside down cake?

Cake.

I think Australians are obsessed with true information.

They keep telling me to "get fact".

How do Australians connect to the internet?

They use the LAN down under.

What do Australians use for sun burns?

Aloe, mate.

I'm sorry

What do Australians wear under their pants?

Down Undies

Why do Australians hunt with one eye

Because a bad eye can't

But a good eye might

Two Australians are fighting over the last loaf of bread at the supermarket

They're both holding on to the loaf when one of them says:



It's stale mate.

Australians are casual racists...

Full time racism is too hard

Two Australians walk into a shady biker bar..

..somewhere in Texas. Inside of course is the whole gang drinking, music stops, crickets...
The boss of the gang asks:
Did you come here to die?
Australians respond:
No, we came in yesterday

What's an Australians definition of fore play?

Brace yourself Sheila

Why are Australians so good at chess?

Because they always leave you with the check, mate

What is the ghost of an Australians favourite dessert?

Boo-meringue

What road do Australians drive on?

The M8.
What road do pirates drive on?
The M80.

So if Trump doesn't like conversations with Turnbull and Australians don't like conversations with Turnbull, is Turnbull...

... Malcolm in the middle?

Explain this Flat-Earthers!

If the Earth is flat, why do Australians have to strap everything including themselves to the ground in order to not fall up?

Why do Australians always win 4D chess?

Double check, mate

Why do Australians always confuse poker with chess?

Because they go "Check... Mate"

Why do Australians take forever to play chess?

Because they never make it past the first check, mate.

Why do Australians suck at chess?

Because they keep saying "checkmate" when the game's not over.

Why do Australians greet each other with "mate"?

Because everyone used to be an inmate.

LOL - laughing at my own joke!

A man is attacked by a group of Australians

He was covered in Bruces.

What do you call gay sex between two Australians?

Brokeback outback.

What language do Australians speak?

Ζƒuɐls uosᴉɹԀ

Two Australians were playing chess in a restaurant...

One said "checkmate", and the other one said "check, mate."

Dad joke for Australians

Did you hear about the hipster swagman?

He was hanging out under the shade of abah tree before it was cool.

How do you call sons of australians and germans?

Men at Work

How do Australians drink their water?

Noice.

Why did the Australians lose the emu war?

Cuz they were upside down

How do Australians represent the devil?

999

How to make Australians jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Australians to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Australians? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Australians pick up lines to share with friends.

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