Australians Jokes
80 australians jokes and hilarious australians puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about australians that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Australians Short Jokes
Short australians jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The australians humour may include short mate jokes also.
- I was applying for australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, Do you have a criminal record? I said, No. Is that still required?
- I wanted an Australian Visa. They asked if I had a criminal record. Didn't know you still need it.
- I asked my Australian friend where in Australia there ISN'T something trying to kill you. School was his answer.
- Gordon Ramsey goes to Australia and makes a lemon meringue pie. The whole audience cheers! "That's strange," he says, "I thought Australians usually boo meringue."
- Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night. Who is the Australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?
Rihanna, mate. - An Australian man wakes up in the hospital... ... he says, "Doctor, was I brought here to die?"
The doctor replies, "No, you were brought here yester-die" - If your workplace requires password changes every 90 days just set it to the name of the current Australian Prime minister and you should be fine.
- I was watching Australian Master chef last night... Some guy made a meringue and everybody cheered...
I thought... That's odd, normaly in Australia they boo meringue - When I was small my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager It wasn't until I was 18 I realised I had been Fostered
- What's the worst thing about getting bit by a poisonous spider? That you're probably Australian.
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Australians One Liners
Which australians one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with australians? I can suggest the ones about checkmate and chess.
- How do Australians know who won the chess game? They check, mate.
- What do you call an Australian in space? An Austronaut
- What do you call an Australian looking after his grill? A barbie sitter
- How did the Australian pay for his new chess set? Cheque, mate.
- Why did Novak Djokovic loss the Australian Open? He missed 2 shots.
- Happy new year to everyone Unless you're Australian, in which case ɹɐǝʎ ʍǝu ʎddɐH
- What is one thing that both Australians & Americans share the same view on? 1961
- What do you call an Australian guy who is a vegan? Vegemate.
- Have you ever heard of the Australian Kiss? It's like a French kiss, but from down under
- I just got a call from my australian grandpa! A boomer rang.
- Why are Australian security guards so good at playing chess? They always check, mate
- Why is there no Australian Spider-Man? He didn't survive the bite.
- How do Australians order monkies? Amazon Prime, mate.
- My girlfriend is like an Australian Olympian She always comes second.
- How do Australian bees please the queen bee? They bee hive
Hilarious Australians Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about australians you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean shear jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make australians pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A koala bear walks into a brothel picks out the best looking girl and heads upstairs with her.
While up there he eats her out like a madman doing things she's never even heard of.
After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.
The girl stops him and demands payment.
The bear doesn't understand. She has him look up p**... in the dictionary, a person who trades s**... for money. Still a little confused he asks what does it say about me.
Koala bear, an Australian native animal that eats bushes and leaves.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Australian on safari...
An Aussie is tramping through a jungle with his hunting gear. He comes into a clearing and finds a stunningly beautiful n**... women sprawled out across a bed of leaves.
"My god," he says. "Are you game?"
She smiles invitingly, "Yes I am."
So he shoots her.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub
Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub with cold beers and all are relaxed.
Aussie says "Great, but back home there is a bar where the barman buys you your 5th beer once you've bought your fourth"
Well, says the Englishman, "back in Manchester my local has a buy 2 and get one for free policy".
Aah! says the Irishman, "in Dublin there's a bar where you get free drinks as soon as you walk in and they keep them coming all evening.Then they take you upstairs and you get non stop s**... all night".
"What, youve actually experienced this yourself"? asks the Aussie.
Well "no" says the Irishman "but me sister has"!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman... (long joke)
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a v**... Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ghanaian, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, 2 Africans and you...
walk into a fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group, "but you can't come in here without a Thai."
Australians
An australian tourist flies to america. He is unpacking his bags in a hotel, rents a motorcycle and start driving. He goes 70MPH in a 40MPH speed limit roas, whan a cup is telling him to pull over. The police officer yells at him: "What is wrong with you, man?!?! Did you came here to die?!"
"No," the tourist said, "I came here yesterday"
An Australian takes a vacation in america...
He's driving along in his rented car and a cop notices him driving on the wrong side of the road.
He pulls him over and says "Do you realize you're driving on the wrong side of the road!?"
The Australian says "Oh I'm from Australia."
The cop says "Well did you come here to die!?"
"No," replies the Australian. "I came here yesterduai!"
The new store...
Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be opened new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked, 'What you sell?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arseholes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well. Only two left!'
What did the Australian chess player say to the waiter when he finished his meal?
Check, mate.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is it so confusing to play chess with an Australian?
Because every "check" is a "check, mate!"
Timbuktu
Once in a quizshow. There were an Australian and a priest competing against each other. Their scores were equal, so they had to create a verse about "Timbuktu".
The priest began:
"I was a father, all my life,
had no children, had no wife.
I read the Bible, through and through.
On my way to Timbuktu."
Then the Australian told his version:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went,
we met three ladies cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
so I booked one and Tim booked two!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Australian bin man knocks at the door of a chinese guy
And asks 'where's ya bin mate'
The guy answers 'I bin watching TV!'
The Ozzie asks 'na mate where's ya wheelie bin'
The guy hangs his head and says 'I wheelie been w**...'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call an Australian who's prejudiced against grains?
A riceist.
(It sounds better when you say it aloud)
Did you know that camels aren't indigenous to Australia? They were shipped there by the British.
Oddly enough, so were the Australians.
An Australian is visiting England...
He is from a small rural town and he does not know anything about traffic laws and street lights. He crosses a street and almost gets hit by a car. A police officer sees him and screams: "Oi! Did you come here to die?" The Australian replies with: "Nah mate, I came here yesterday!"
It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.
The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"
I was playing chess with my Australian friend
He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".
I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"
Confused he said, "mate, I know."
An Australian man living by the cliff has prevent over 150 suicides, during the 50 years he has lived there...
... by shooting them himself.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do Australians and wetting yourself in the basement have in common?
They're both incontinence down under.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Australians don't have s**...
Australians mate
an American and a Australian are in the trenches
the American asks: did you come here to die
the Australian says back: no i came here yesterday
An Australian man has just arrived to America
An Australian man has just arrived to America and almost got hit by a car while crossing the road.
The American driver got out of his car very angrily and yelled:
"Did you come here to die?!"
"No, I came here yesterday."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three Bills at a bar
Three men, one from America, one from Australia and one from Russia were sitting at a bar. To show off, the American picks up his revolver, shoots the cap off his bottle of beer, and proudly exlaims:
"My name is Bill. Buffalo Bill."
The Australian, not wanting to be any less of a man, picks up his boomerang and gives it a swing across the bar. It does a big circle, and on its way back it knocks the cap off his beer as well. He then says:
"My name is Bill. Crocodile Bill."
The Russian looks around nervously, then pulls his pants down, and proudly shows his two p**.... He then says:
"My name is Bill. Cherno Bill."
Little Johnny, a young American boy, is down at the shops when..
He sees a group of disgruntled looking Australian tourists holding maps and wandering around.
Being the inquisitive young lad that he is he decides to try and find out a bit about them. Although he cant understand a word they're saying he quickly learns that they're from an ancient Australian tribe called the Fakawi!
Excited by this discovery Johnny runs home to tell his mother about his find.
"Mum, mum!", Johnny shouts, "I met native members of the Fakawi tribe today!".
"How did you know who they were?" Mum asks.
"Well that was easy," says little Johnny, "everywhere they went they were telling people, "We're the fakawi!"".
I'm going to teach you how to speak Irish in the spirit of diversity.
Say, "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly.
Bonus: for Australian say, "Good eye might."
This is an Australian Joke so I'm going to post it in their native language
˙,,¡ǝuo punoɟ I 'ǝʇɐɯ ɥɐN,, 'sǝᴉldǝɹ ʎnƃ ǝɥʇ ,,¿ƃuoɥʇ ɐ ǝsol noʎ pᴉp ¿ǝʇɐɯ pǝuǝddɐɥ ʇɐɥM,, ɯᴉɥ sʞsɐ uoɹʇɐd ǝuO ˙(dolɟ dᴉlɟ) ƃuoɥʇ ǝuo ƃuᴉɹɐǝʍ ʇɥƃᴉu ɹǝɥʇo ǝɥʇ ɹɐq ǝɥʇ oʇuᴉ sʞlɐʍ ǝᴉssn∀ u∀
I got a bit bored on a long highway drive and started scrolling through the various voice choices on my GPS.
There was a USA accent, a French accent and even an Australian accent. Then I noticed "Wife mode". So I selected it, and nothing seemed to happen, until about 10 miles later the GPS said,
"So, if I died, would you get a new GPS?""
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Australians were sitting around talking over a beer..
After a while the first Australian says to the second, If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
The second Australian crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, _*"Well, I don't know about related, but I reckon it'd make us even."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You can never enjoy a game of Chess against an Australian.
Everytime he checks, you'll think he's won the game.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A joke for Australians
The Garbo's doing his rounds and he gets his mate,the b**...'s place and the bin ain't out the front. So the Garbo knocks on the door. "G'Day, b**.... Long time no see. Where's ya bin?" Asks the Garbo. "I bin on holidays." Says the b**.... "Nah mate, where's ya bin?" Repeats the Garbo. "I just said," responds the b**..., "I bin on holidays." "No no. Where's ya wheelie bin?" Clarifies the Garbo. The b**... responds, "Well I wheelie bin in jail but I tell people I was on holidays."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a liar and a lawyer?
Nothing, especially if you use an Australian accent.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cosmonaut c**... lands
A Russian cosmonaut has an emergency during his reentry into earth's atmosphere and his space craft c**... lands in the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere. After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush hospital clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is really bandaged from head to foot and sees a very large, somewhat gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot.
"Did I come here to die?" he says with a deep sense of resignation and fear.
"No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You came here yerster dye."
An Australian is aboard the wrong airplane
The flight attendant approaches them and says I'm so sorry. I'm not sure how this mix-up happened but this plane is arriving in an entirely different country than your intended destination.
The Australian says No way.
The flight attendant replies Sweden, actually.
Novak Djokovic is the first person to be knocked out of the Australian Open.
He only missed two shots.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the proper definition of the word p**...' ?
When an Australian person takes a good look at something.
I really hate the fact that after the Queen's death the Australian coins are being updated..
But then again, I don't like change.
An Australian was in London admiring suits displayed in a shop window...
To nobody in particular he said, "Ahh, there's the one I'd get!"
A split second later, a three foot tall cyclops ran up and punched him in the nuts.
The new Australian short-sleeved, marsupial shirts are REALLY good! In fact, you could say they have a high level of…..
Koala-t
what did the optometrist say to the tiny Australian insect?
"good eye, mite"
What does an Australian clean himself with after using the bathroom?
A b'day.
An American and an Australian are playing chess
The Australian says: "Checkmate"
The American responds: "No it isn't"
