australians Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious australians puns

Australians don't have sex

Australians mate


Well... That's Australians for you

My 4-year-old was struggling to open his yoghurt today when he suddenly mumbled "Fucking shitty lid!"
My wife immediately looked at me and angrily said "I wonder where he's got that from??"
I said, "The fridge, you silly cunt."


How do Australians know who won the chess game?

They check, mate.


They say criminals often return to the scene of the crime

That must be why there's so many Australians in London nowadays


What is one thing that both Australians & Americans share the same view on?



For the Australians out there!

Tony was at school this morning when the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out: Policeman, Fireman, Salesman, etc. But Tony was being uncharacteristically quiet and so teacher asked him about his father.

'My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.'

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little tony aside to ask him if that was really true.
'No' said Tony, 'He plays cricket for Australia, but I was just too embarrassed to say'.



An australian tourist flies to america. He is unpacking his bags in a hotel, rents a motorcycle and start driving. He goes 70MPH in a 40MPH speed limit roas, whan a cup is telling him to pull over. The police officer yells at him: "What is wrong with you, man?!?! Did you came here to die?!"
"No," the tourist said, "I came here yesterday"


Australians dont fuck

they mate


What do Australians and wetting yourself in the basement have in common?

They're both incontinence down under.


Did you know that camels aren't indigenous to Australia? They were shipped there by the British.

Oddly enough, so were the Australians.


Us Australians are a sensitive bunch

Three Aussie blokes named Mongrel, Coot and Bluey, were working high up on an
outback mobile phone tower.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says,
"Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife".
Mongrel says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bluey says, "Where'd you get the beer Mongrel?"
"Coot's wife gave it to me," Mongrel replies.

"That's unbelievable, you actually told his missus her husband was dead and
she gave you a case of beer!"

"Well, not exactly", Mongrel says.
When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Coot's widow."
She said, "You must be mistaken .... I'm not a widow."
Then I said, "I'll betcha a case of beer you are."
Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.


Looking for the comic on this one

Not a perfect go at it, but here's the line

"The Scots like to say the Kiwis are fucking their sheep, the kiwis like to say the Australians are fucking their sheep, the Australians like to say the Scots are fucking their sheep... Personally, I think it's the sheep that are sluts"


A New Zealander sheep shearer gets a job in Australia.

At the lunch break of his first day in the shearing shed, he drops his dacks, pulls his cock out, grabs a sheep and starts fucking it. The Australians look at him, roll their eyes, shake their heads and mutter, "Bloody Kiwis."

Then one old bloke approaches him and says, "Mate, you're supposed to *shear* your sheep."

The New Zealander scowls at him and yells, "I'm not shearing thus sheep wuth innybody!"


What do Australians get from education?



One for fellow Australians

The scene is set - a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.

Three paratroopers are sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from Nuh Zulland. Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous. The night of tales begins...

Dinis the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, soldier there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'

Hansie from Seth Efrika (who typically can't stand to be bettered) said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 11km HALO jump in the jungle, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from its body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'

Jonno, the Australian, remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.


Australians don't have any problems with gender pronouns...

Because we call everyone cunt.


From the Gallipoli campaign in World War I...

The Australians are interrogating a captured Turkish soldier, when finally poor Mehmet has a question for them.

"Why do you call God such awful names? Why do you curse Him when your soldiers go into battle?"

The Aussies were surprised. "What do you mean?"

"Well, when we Turks leap out of our trenches and charge your lines, we cry 'Allah! Allah!' But when you charge us, you shout 'Bloody BASTAAARRRDD!!!'"


Why do Australians abroad always work in pubs?

They're used to being behind bars.


How do Australians find sheep in the long grass?



Why do Australians call each other mate?

They were all inmates


How do Australians have babies?

They mate.


Australians don't mate...

They didgeridoo-it.


What do Australians call upside down cake?



How do Australians connect to the internet?

They use the LAN down under.


I think Australians are obsessed with true information.

They keep telling me to "get fact".


What do Australians use for sun burns?

Aloe, mate.

I'm sorry


What do Australians wear under their pants?

Down Undies


Why are there so many Australians in the UK?

Because criminals always return to the scene of a crime


Why do Australians hunt with one eye

Because a bad eye can't

But a good eye might


Two Australians walk into a shady biker bar..

..somewhere in Texas. Inside of course is the whole gang drinking, music stops, crickets...
The boss of the gang asks:
Did you come here to die?
Australians respond:
No, we came in yesterday


What's an Australians definition of fore play?

Brace yourself Sheila


Two Australians are fighting over the last loaf of bread at the supermarket

They're both holding on to the loaf when one of them says:

It's stale mate.


Australians are casual racists...

Full time racism is too hard


What is the ghost of an Australians favourite dessert?



So if Trump doesn't like conversations with Turnbull and Australians don't like conversations with Turnbull, is Turnbull...

... Malcolm in the middle?


What are the most funny Australians jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Australians? Well, here are the best Australians dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Australians pick up lines to share with friends.

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