Australian Jokes
152 australian jokes and hilarious australian puns to laugh out loud. Read ethnic jokes about australian that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Get ready to laugh out loud with our collection of hilarious Australian jokes. Read jokes about seniors, the English, America, and New Zealand. Delight in classic Stuart Hughes, kangaroo puns, and more!
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Funniest Australian Short Jokes
Short australian jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The australian humour may include short kangaroo jokes also.
- I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, Do you have a criminal record? I said, No. Is that still required?
- I wanted an Australian Visa. They asked if I had a criminal record. Didn't know you still need it.
- I asked my Australian friend where in Australia there ISN'T something trying to kill you. School was his answer.
- Gordon Ramsey goes to Australia and makes a lemon meringue pie. The whole audience cheers! "That's strange," he says, "I thought Australians usually boo meringue."
- Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night. Who is the Australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?
Rihanna, mate. - An Australian man wakes up in the hospital... ... he says, "Doctor, was I brought here to die?"
The doctor replies, "No, you were brought here yester-die" - You can never enjoy a game of chess against an Australian. Everytime he checks, you'll think he's won the game.
- They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime. No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.
- If your workplace requires password changes every 90 days just set it to the name of the current Australian Prime minister and you should be fine.
- A man is applying for Australian citizenship when the clerk asks "Do you have a criminal record?" "No" the man says. "Is that still required?"
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Australian One Liners
Which australian one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with australian? I can suggest the ones about checkmate and mate.
- How do Australians know who won the chess game? They check, mate.
- What do you call an Australian in space? An Austronaut
- What do you call an Australian looking after his grill? A barbie sitter
- How did the Australian pay for his new chess set? Cheque, mate.
- Why did Novak Djokovic loss the Australian Open? He missed 2 shots.
- Happy new year to everyone Unless you're Australian, in which case ɹɐǝʎ ʍǝu ʎddɐH
- My friend told me he failed his authentic Australian music exam. I asked "didja redo it"?
- What is one thing that both Australians & Americans share the same view on? 1961
- What do you call an Australian guy who is a vegan? Vegemate.
- Have you ever heard of the Australian Kiss? It's like a French kiss, but from down under
- What did the Australian Chess player say to the waiter? Cheque, mate!
- I just got a call from my australian grandpa! A boomer rang.
- Why are Australian security guards so good at playing chess? They always check, mate
- Why is there no Australian Spider-Man? He didn't survive the bite.
- How do Australians order monkies? Amazon Prime, mate.
Australian Bush Jokes
Here is a list of funny australian bush jokes and even better australian bush puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- In the Australian Outback, they're called 'bush doctors'. But I'm pretty sure everyone else just calls them gynaecologists.
- I asked an Australian to greet me... He kept beating around the bush saying "I might".
- Did you know all gynecologists are Australian? They're all bush doctors who work down under.
Australian Convict Jokes
Here is a list of funny australian convict jokes and even better australian convict puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man was walking through the Australian customs... As the officer asked him "have you ever been convicted of a felony?"
"No," he answered "I didn't realize that was still a requirement." - I was applying for Australian citizenship, and the guy asks me "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" "Does stealing a joke count?" I asked.
- What did Cardinal Pell say when the Australian Judge asked why his conviction should be suppressed? He whispered "it will be our little secret".
Australian Knock Knock Jokes
Here is a list of funny australian knock knock jokes and even better australian knock knock puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Novak Djokovic is the first person to be knocked out of the Australian Open. He only missed two shots.
Australian Animal Jokes
Here is a list of funny australian animal jokes and even better australian animal puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the animals protesting their zoo that didn't include any Australian animals? They were fighting for e-koala-ty.
- What Australian animal thinks it's a wolf? A roooo
- What do you get if you import Australian animals to Haiti? Kangvoodoo.
Sorry. - What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot? One is an Australian animal and the other is the sound of a Scotsman stuck in the bathroom, shouting...
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Australian Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about australian you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean didgeridoo jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make australian pranks.
An Australian bin man knocks at the door of a chinese guy
And asks 'where's ya bin mate'
The guy answers 'I bin watching TV!'
The Ozzie asks 'na mate where's ya wheelie bin'
The guy hangs his head and says 'I wheelie been w**...'
Australians don't have s**...
Australians mate
What's the difference between an Australian and a p**... of yogurt?
Leave a p**... of yogurt in the sun for 200 years and it develops a culture.
A koala bear walks into a brothel picks out the best looking girl and heads upstairs with her.
While up there he eats her out like a madman doing things she's never even heard of.
After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.
The girl stops him and demands payment.
The bear doesn't understand. She has him look up p**... in the dictionary, a person who trades s**... for money. Still a little confused he asks what does it say about me.
Koala bear, an Australian native animal that eats bushes and leaves.
It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.
The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"
A British man is visiting Australia for vacation.
The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"
The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"
A British soldier meets an Australian soldier on a warzone
**British soldier**: Did you come here to die?
**Australian soldier**: Nah mate, I came here yesterday!
A British man goes on holiday in Australia...
After getting off the plane in Sydney, the man waits to go through Australian customs.
"Do you have anything to declare?" asks the Australian customs officer.
"No" replies the British man.
"Do you have a criminal record?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know that was still a requirement."
Why is it so confusing to play chess with an Australian?
Because every "check" is a "check, mate!"
I was watching Australian Master chef last night...
Some guy made a meringue and everybody cheered...
I thought... That's odd, normaly in Australia they boo meringue
An Australian takes a vacation in america...
He's driving along in his rented car and a cop notices him driving on the wrong side of the road.
He pulls him over and says "Do you realize you're driving on the wrong side of the road!?"
The Australian says "Oh I'm from Australia."
The cop says "Well did you come here to die!?"
"No," replies the Australian. "I came here yesterduai!"
An Australian on safari...
An Aussie is tramping through a jungle with his hunting gear. He comes into a clearing and finds a stunningly beautiful n**... women sprawled out across a bed of leaves.
"My god," he says. "Are you game?"
She smiles invitingly, "Yes I am."
So he shoots her.
When I was small my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager
It wasn't until I was 18 I realised I had been Fostered
I don't understand how Australians can be homophonic.
I mean, G'day is just gay with a d rammed into it.
An Australian General says to a soldier, Did you come here to die?
The soldier responds, No, sir. I came here yester-die!
What's the worst thing about getting bit by a poisonous spider?
That you're probably Australian.
Little Johnny, a young American boy, is down at the shops when..
He sees a group of disgruntled looking Australian tourists holding maps and wandering around.
Being the inquisitive young lad that he is he decides to try and find out a bit about them. Although he cant understand a word they're saying he quickly learns that they're from an ancient Australian tribe called the Fakawi!
Excited by this discovery Johnny runs home to tell his mother about his find.
"Mum, mum!", Johnny shouts, "I met native members of the Fakawi tribe today!".
"How did you know who they were?" Mum asks.
"Well that was easy," says little Johnny, "everywhere they went they were telling people, "We're the fakawi!"".
I was playing chess with my Australian friend
He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".
I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"
Confused he said, "mate, I know."
An Australian gets in a bad car accident and wakes up in the ER.
He asks the doctor, "did I come here to die?"
The doctor says "No, of course not!"
The man is relieved.
The doctor says, "you came here yes-to-die!"
Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub
Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub with cold beers and all are relaxed.
Aussie says "Great, but back home there is a bar where the barman buys you your 5th beer once you've bought your fourth"
Well, says the Englishman, "back in Manchester my local has a buy 2 and get one for free policy".
Aah! says the Irishman, "in Dublin there's a bar where you get free drinks as soon as you walk in and they keep them coming all evening.Then they take you upstairs and you get non stop s**... all night".
"What, youve actually experienced this yourself"? asks the Aussie.
Well "no" says the Irishman "but me sister has"!
An Australian is visiting England...
He is from a small rural town and he does not know anything about traffic laws and street lights. He crosses a street and almost gets hit by a car. A police officer sees him and screams: "Oi! Did you come here to die?" The Australian replies with: "Nah mate, I came here yesterday!"
A British man enters customs at an Australian airport.
The officer asks
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The man looks confused and replies
"No, do I still need one?"
They say criminals often return to the scene of the crime
That must be why there's so many Australians in London nowadays
When I was a child my mum always used to bathe me in cheap Australian beer.
It wasn't till I was 18 that I realized I'd been Fostered....
Three Bills at a bar
Three men, one from America, one from Australia and one from Russia were sitting at a bar. To show off, the American picks up his revolver, shoots the cap off his bottle of beer, and proudly exlaims:
"My name is Bill. Buffalo Bill."
The Australian, not wanting to be any less of a man, picks up his boomerang and gives it a swing across the bar. It does a big circle, and on its way back it knocks the cap off his beer as well. He then says:
"My name is Bill. Crocodile Bill."
The Russian looks around nervously, then pulls his pants down, and proudly shows his two p**.... He then says:
"My name is Bill. Cherno Bill."
The new store...
Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be opened new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked, 'What you sell?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arseholes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well. Only two left!'
Two Australians were sitting around talking over a beer..
After a while the first Australian says to the second, If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
The second Australian crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, _*"Well, I don't know about related, but I reckon it'd make us even."
This is an Australian Joke so I'm going to post it in their native language
˙,,¡ǝuo punoɟ I 'ǝʇɐɯ ɥɐN,, 'sǝᴉldǝɹ ʎnƃ ǝɥʇ ,,¿ƃuoɥʇ ɐ ǝsol noʎ pᴉp ¿ǝʇɐɯ pǝuǝddɐɥ ʇɐɥM,, ɯᴉɥ sʞsɐ uoɹʇɐd ǝuO ˙(dolɟ dᴉlɟ) ƃuoɥʇ ǝuo ƃuᴉɹɐǝʍ ʇɥƃᴉu ɹǝɥʇo ǝɥʇ ɹɐq ǝɥʇ oʇuᴉ sʞlɐʍ ǝᴉssn∀ u∀
A contestant made a meringue on Australian Masterchef and the crowd started clapping and cheering.
The host said, "This is very unusual for an Australian audience. They normally Boo meringues!!"
I got a bit bored on a long highway drive and started scrolling through the various voice choices on my GPS.
There was a USA accent, a French accent and even an Australian accent. Then I noticed "Wife mode". So I selected it, and nothing seemed to happen, until about 10 miles later the GPS said,
"So, if I died, would you get a new GPS?""
I really hate the fact that after the Queen's death the Australian coins are being updated..
But then again, I don't like change.
Australians
An australian tourist flies to america. He is unpacking his bags in a hotel, rents a motorcycle and start driving. He goes 70MPH in a 40MPH speed limit roas, whan a cup is telling him to pull over. The police officer yells at him: "What is wrong with you, man?!?! Did you came here to die?!"
"No," the tourist said, "I came here yesterday"
What's the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss?
They are basically the same except you do an Australian kiss down under.
A british tourist arrives to the Sydney airport.
The australian duty officer checks the tourist's passport before letting him enter the country, then asks:
"Have you ever been sentenced?"
"Wait, is this still a requirement?"
A joke for Australians
The Garbo's doing his rounds and he gets his mate,the b**...'s place and the bin ain't out the front. So the Garbo knocks on the door. "G'Day, b**.... Long time no see. Where's ya bin?" Asks the Garbo. "I bin on holidays." Says the b**.... "Nah mate, where's ya bin?" Repeats the Garbo. "I just said," responds the b**..., "I bin on holidays." "No no. Where's ya wheelie bin?" Clarifies the Garbo. The b**... responds, "Well I wheelie bin in jail but I tell people I was on holidays."
What did the Australian chess player say to the waiter when he finished his meal?
Check, mate.
An Australian man living by the cliff has prevent over 150 suicides, during the 50 years he has lived there...
... by shooting them himself.
A cosmonaut c**... lands
A Russian cosmonaut has an emergency during his reentry into earth's atmosphere and his space craft c**... lands in the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere. After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush hospital clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is really bandaged from head to foot and sees a very large, somewhat gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot.
"Did I come here to die?" he says with a deep sense of resignation and fear.
"No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You came here yerster dye."
An Australian man has just arrived to America
An Australian man has just arrived to America and almost got hit by a car while crossing the road.
The American driver got out of his car very angrily and yelled:
"Did you come here to die?!"
"No, I came here yesterday."
An American and an Australian are playing chess
The Australian says: "Checkmate"
The American responds: "No it isn't"
Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?'
He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'
What do Australians and wetting yourself in the basement have in common?
They're both incontinence down under.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman... (long joke)
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a v**... Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ghanaian, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, 2 Africans and you...
walk into a fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group, "but you can't come in here without a Thai."
The interviewer asked me if I had a criminal record when I was requesting Australian citizenship.
I replied "No. Is that still required?"
Ever given anyone an Australian kiss?
It's the same as a French kiss except down unda.
My girlfriend is like an Australian Olympian
She always comes second.
an American and a Australian are in the trenches
the American asks: did you come here to die
the Australian says back: no i came here yesterday
What's the difference between a liar and a lawyer?
Nothing, especially if you use an Australian accent.
I'm going to teach you how to speak Irish in the spirit of diversity.
Say, "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly.
Bonus: for Australian say, "Good eye might."
How do Australian bees please the queen bee?
They bee hive
What's the proper definition of the word p**...' ?
When an Australian person takes a good look at something.
What do you call an Australian who's prejudiced against grains?
A riceist.
(It sounds better when you say it aloud)
Timbuktu
Once in a quizshow. There were an Australian and a priest competing against each other. Their scores were equal, so they had to create a verse about "Timbuktu".
The priest began:
"I was a father, all my life,
had no children, had no wife.
I read the Bible, through and through.
On my way to Timbuktu."
Then the Australian told his version:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went,
we met three ladies cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
so I booked one and Tim booked two!"
An Australian is aboard the wrong airplane
The flight attendant approaches them and says I'm so sorry. I'm not sure how this mix-up happened but this plane is arriving in an entirely different country than your intended destination.
The Australian says No way.
The flight attendant replies Sweden, actually.
My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond
My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond.
I said "No time to die"?
He replied: we can go tomorrow then!
Did you know that camels aren't indigenous to Australia? They were shipped there by the British.
Oddly enough, so were the Australians.
