Australian Jokes

Following is our collection of kangaroo humor and yesterdie one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Australian puns for adults, dirty nsw jokes or clean checkmate gags for kids.

There is an abundance of didgeridoo jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 83 funniest jokes on australian. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any mate witze you can hear about australian.

The Best jokes about Australian

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, Do you have a criminal record?

I said, No. Is that still required?

An Australian bin man knocks at the door of a Chinese guy

And asks 'where's ya bin mate'
The guy answers 'I bin watching TV!'
The Ozzie asks 'na mate where's ya wheelie bin'
The guy hangs his head and says 'I wheelie been wanking'

Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night.

Who is the Australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?

Rihanna, mate.

Australians don't have sex

Australians mate

An Australian man wakes up in the hospital...

... he says, "Doctor, was I brought here to die?"
The doctor replies, "No, you were brought here yester-die"


What's the difference between an Australian and a pot of yogurt?

Leave a pot of yogurt in the sun for 200 years and it develops a culture.

How do Australians know who won the chess game?

They check, mate.

It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.

The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"๏ปฟ

If your workplace requires password changes every 90 days

just set it to the name of the current Australian Prime minister and you should be fine.

A British man is visiting Australia for vacation.

The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"

The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"

A man is applying for Australian citizenship when the clerk asks "Do you have a criminal record?"

"No" the man says. "Is that still required?"


A British soldier meets an Australian soldier on a warzone

**British soldier**: Did you come here to die?

**Australian soldier**: Nah mate, I came here yesterday!

What do you call an Australian looking after his grill?

A barbie sitter

How did the Australian pay for his new chess set?

Cheque, mate.

A British man goes on holiday in Australia...

After getting off the plane in Sydney, the man waits to go through Australian customs.

"Do you have anything to declare?" asks the Australian customs officer.

"No" replies the British man.

"Do you have a criminal record?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't know that was still a requirement."

Why is it so confusing to play chess with an Australian?

Because every "check" is a "check, mate!"

An Australian takes a vacation in america...

He's driving along in his rented car and a cop notices him driving on the wrong side of the road.

He pulls him over and says "Do you realize you're driving on the wrong side of the road!?"

The Australian says "Oh I'm from Australia."

The cop says "Well did you come here to die!?"

"No," replies the Australian. "I came here yesterduai!"

An Australian General says to a soldier, Did you come here to die?

The soldier responds, No, sir. I came here yester-die!

What's the worst thing about getting bit by a poisonous spider?

That you're probably Australian.


An Australian on safari...

An Aussie is tramping through a jungle with his hunting gear. He comes into a clearing and finds a stunningly beautiful naked women sprawled out across a bed of leaves.
"My god," he says. "Are you game?"
She smiles invitingly, "Yes I am."
So he shoots her.

I was playing chess with my Australian friend

He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".


I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"


Confused he said, "mate, I know."

Little Johnny, a young American boy, is down at the shops when..

He sees a group of disgruntled looking Australian tourists holding maps and wandering around.

Being the inquisitive young lad that he is he decides to try and find out a bit about them. Although he cant understand a word they're saying he quickly learns that they're from an ancient Australian tribe called the Fakawi!

Excited by this discovery Johnny runs home to tell his mother about his find.

"Mum, mum!", Johnny shouts, "I met native members of the Fakawi tribe today!".

"How did you know who they were?" Mum asks.

"Well that was easy," says little Johnny, "everywhere they went they were telling people, "We're the fakawi!"".

A British man enters customs at an Australian airport.

The officer asks
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The man looks confused and replies
"No, do I still need one?"

An Australian is visiting England...

He is from a small rural town and he does not know anything about traffic laws and street lights. He crosses a street and almost gets hit by a car. A police officer sees him and screams: "Oi! Did you come here to die?" The Australian replies with: "Nah mate, I came here yesterday!"

Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub

Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub with cold beers and all are relaxed.

Aussie says "Great, but back home there is a bar where the barman buys you your 5th beer once you've bought your fourth"

Well, says the Englishman, "back in Manchester my local has a buy 2 and get one for free policy".

Aah! says the Irishman, "in Dublin there's a bar where you get free drinks as soon as you walk in and they keep them coming all evening.Then they take you upstairs and you get non stop sex all night".

"What, youve actually experienced this yourself"? asks the Aussie.

Well "no" says the Irishman "but me sister has"!

Three Bills at a bar

Three men, one from America, one from Australia and one from Russia were sitting at a bar. To show off, the American picks up his revolver, shoots the cap off his bottle of beer, and proudly exlaims:

"My name is Bill. Buffalo Bill."

The Australian, not wanting to be any less of a man, picks up his boomerang and gives it a swing across the bar. It does a big circle, and on its way back it knocks the cap off his beer as well. He then says:

"My name is Bill. Crocodile Bill."

The Russian looks around nervously, then pulls his pants down, and proudly shows his two penises. He then says:

"My name is Bill. Cherno Bill."

The new store...

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be opened new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked, 'What you sell?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arseholes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well. Only two left!'

Ravens

Humorous story from the web:

Researchers for the Western Australian Main Roads Department found over 200 dead crows on the Great Northern Highway recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and confirmed that it was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during the analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars. The MRD then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The O.B quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck".

Not a dadjoke - but he told it to me anyway...

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You aren't from around here, are ya?"


The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."


The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"


The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."


The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?'

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."


The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay, boys. He's one of us!"

This is an Australian Joke so I'm going to post it in their native language

ห™,,ยกวuo punoษŸ I 'วส‡ษษฏ ษฅษN,, 'sวแด‰ldวษน สŽnฦƒ วษฅส‡ ,,ยฟฦƒuoษฅส‡ ษ วsol noสŽ pแด‰p ยฟวส‡ษษฏ pวuวddษษฅ ส‡ษษฅM,, ษฏแด‰ษฅ sสžsษ uoษนส‡ษd วuO ห™(dolษŸ dแด‰lษŸ) ฦƒuoษฅส‡ วuo ฦƒuแด‰ษนษวส ส‡ษฅฦƒแด‰u ษนวษฅส‡o วษฅส‡ ษนษq วษฅส‡ oส‡uแด‰ sสžlษส วแด‰ssnโˆ€ uโˆ€

What do you call an Australian guy who is a vegan?

Vegemate.

Have you ever heard of the Australian Kiss?

It's like a French kiss, but from down under

An Australian, an American, and an Irish builder...

...are sitting on top of the (unfinished) 18th floor of the building they've been working on, eating their lunches.

The Australian man pulls out a vegemite sandwich, and he says to the other two, "If i get another vegemite sandwich tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this building. I'm sick of this vegemite."

The American man next to him, with a horrified look on his face, pulls out a hotdog. He says, "I agree. If I get another hotdog tomorrow, I will jump off this building with you. I've had enough."

The Irishman pulls out an Irish stew. "Ugh, Irish stew again. Yep, if I get this tomorrow, I'll jump with the two of you."

So the next day they're all sitting in the same spot, and they all pull out the same lunches as before. Grimacing, they jump off the building and plunge to their deaths. They end up having a joint funeral, because they were good friends.

At the funeral, all three wives are sitting next to eachother, discussing their husbands.

The Australian woman says to the other two, "I'm so upset. If only he had've TOLD me he didn't like vegemite, I would've given my husband something else."

The American woman says, "I agree, I just wish my husband had've spoken to me about it, then he would still be here."

They both turn to the Irish woman, who then says, "Don't look at me, Paddy makes his own lunch,"


[NSFW] What's the worst thing about...?

....getting your keys locked in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go in to ask for a coat hanger.

*Yet another Australian pub joke*

What did the Australian Chess player say to the waiter?

Cheque, mate!

An Australian, an American and a New Zealander are enjoying some beer in Saudi Arabia..

...even though it is against the law to drink alcohol there. They are captured by the Sheik and are sentenced to death, until his wife runs up to him and whispers something in his ear. She glances to the New Zealander, and whispers some more.

The sheik steps forward and announces:
"Because it is my wife's birthday today, she has asked that I spare your lives, on the following terms. You will each get 20 lashes, but will receive one wish before you do. However, since my wife and I admire New Zealand's beautiful countryside, we will allow the New Zealander two wishes."

The Australian is up first, and asks for a pillow to be tied to his back. However, after the first few lashes, the pillow breaks. Then, the American asks for TWO pillows to be tied to his back. Again, they break after but five lashes. Finally, the New Zealander steps forward.
"First," he says, "I would like to be given 40 lashes, not 20."
The sheik is confused at first, and then asks "And...your second wish?"
"Tie the Aussie to my back."

An Australian joke...

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

'Hey you!'

The koala looked down at him and said,

'FUCK ME! How much water did you drink!?'

Why are Australian security guards so good at playing chess?

They always check, mate

Timbuktu...

A priest and an Australian shepherd got a tie in a quiz show so they have to solve the last question: find a rhyme on the word Timbuktu.
After five minutes the priest returns and says:
"I was a father all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu..."
The crowd was cheering him and thought he would win as the shepherd returns:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went, we met three ladies cheap to rent. They were three and we were two, so I booked one and Tim booked two..."

For the Australians out there!

Tony was at school this morning when the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out: Policeman, Fireman, Salesman, etc. But Tony was being uncharacteristically quiet and so teacher asked him about his father.

'My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.'

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little tony aside to ask him if that was really true.
'No' said Tony, 'He plays cricket for Australia, but I was just too embarrassed to say'.

A british tourist arrives to the Sydney airport.

The australian duty officer checks the tourist's passport before letting him enter the country, then asks:

"Have you ever been sentenced?"

"Wait, is this still a requirement?"

An Australian man was having coffee...

and toast with butter and jam in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped the gum in his mouth and said, 'Do you Australian folk eat the whole bread?'

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "yeah, of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."

The American had a smirk on his face, the Australian listened in silence. The American persisted, "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing, the Australian replied "yes."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell it to Australia.

The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?" The American smiled and said, "yeah, of course we do." The Australian leant closer to him and asked, "what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away of course" replied the American.
Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to The United States.

Australians

An australian tourist flies to america. He is unpacking his bags in a hotel, rents a motorcycle and start driving. He goes 70MPH in a 40MPH speed limit roas, whan a cup is telling him to pull over. The police officer yells at him: "What is wrong with you, man?!?! Did you came here to die?!"
"No," the tourist said, "I came here yesterday"

What's the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss?

They are basically the same except you do an Australian kiss down under.

An Australian man living by the cliff has prevent over 150 suicides, during the 50 years he has lived there...

... by shooting them himself.

An Australian man has just arrived to America

An Australian man has just arrived to America and almost got hit by a car while crossing the road.

The American driver got out of his car very angrily and yelled:

"Did you come here to die?!"

"No, I came here yesterday."

What did the Australian chess player say to the waiter when he finished his meal?

Check, mate.

Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?'

He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'

What do Australians and wetting yourself in the basement have in common?

They're both incontinence down under.

An Australian in Greece

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian barmaid) takes his order, Fosters, and notices his accent.

Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to make whoopee.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for some whoopee. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short on funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will make whoopee with him again for $200.

Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention and shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris," he replies.

"That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what Street?" "Cameo Street," he replies. This is unbelievable..." she says,"...what number?"

He says, "Number 20" and she is totally astonished. "You are not going to believe this but I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"

An Australian man decides to visit New York City...

An Australian man decides to visit New York City one day. After the long flight, he decides that he wants to wander around and see the sites. As he is crossing a busy street however, traffic picks up all around him, and he is stuck in the middle of the road. Several police officers notice his dilemma and halt traffic to help him out. One of the officers walks up to him angrily and asks "What's the matter?! Did you come here to die?"

The Australian man simply replies "Nah mate, I came here yesterday!"

My girlfriend is like an Australian Olympian

She always comes second.

How do Australian bees please the queen bee?

They bee hive

I'm going to teach you how to speak Irish in the spirit of diversity.

Say, "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly.


Bonus: for Australian say, "Good eye might."

an American and a Australian are in the trenches

the American asks: did you come here to die

the Australian says back: no i came here yesterday

What do you call an Australian who's prejudiced against grains?

A riceist.

(It sounds better when you say it aloud)

So I was talking to my Australian friend when I asked him what country his Mother was from

"Alaska"

"Okay well tell me what she says"

What's an Australian Kiss?

A French kiss down under ;)

*first post here, a coworker of mine told me the joke. Go easy :)*

What did the Australian optometrist say to the client with 20/20 vision?

Good eye, mate.

Why did the Australian fisherman get kicked out of the toy store.

Because he was throwing shrimp on the barbie.

What did the sterile australian say to his wife that wanted kids

Im afraid i cant mate

So an Australian wakes up from his coma in a hospital after a brutal car crash...

...and the first thing he sees is a beautiful nurse!

So he asks her, "Did I come here to die?"

The nurse replies, "Nope, you came here yesterday."

:D

What did the Australian say to the two people fighting over bread?

It's stalemate

What do Australians get from education?

Koalafications

Would an Australian WiFi network...

...be a LAN down under?

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman... (long joke)

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ghanaian, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, 2 Africans and you...
walk into a fine restaurant.


"I'm sorry," says the maรฎtre d', after scrutinizing the group, "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

When you think about it, technically all Australian submarines are down under.

.............I'll let that sink in.

What do you call an Australian air-bender that was born in 1960?

A boomerAang.

Accent humour, mate!

It's the year 2022, WWIII has started. 1st world countries vs 2nd world countries and Middle East. Britain asks for reinforcement from Australia. The Australian regiment arrives and next morning starts preparing while the British Commander enters and starts increasing the army's morale:

British Commander: Did you came here *to die*?

Australian Soldier: No sir, we came here *yester-die*.

Why do Australians abroad always work in pubs?

They're used to being behind bars.

An Australian asked me, "Have you come to die?"

"No, I came yesterday.", I replied.

Joke from a 1920s Australian Newspaper

**Diplomacy**

Uncle to nephew playing a game of War with a companion: "If you take the fortress within a quarter of an hour, I'll give you a sixpence."

Youngster (a minute later): "Uncle, sixpence please, the fortress is taken."

Uncle: "How did you manage it so quickly?"

Youngster: "I offered the besieged threepence and he gave in."

Source: The Narracoote Herald, Friday 13, February 1920

An Australian man and his kangaroo walk into a bar

An Australian man and his kangaroo walk into a bar, and spend the night drinking shot after shot. After a few hours, the kangaroo passes out and slumps to the floor. The man goes to pay his tab and starts to leave. The bartender shouts Hey! Are you just going to leave that lying there? The man turns back, glances at his drinking companion, and says to the bartender, That's not a lion. That's a kangaroo.

How do Australians find sheep in the long grass?

Irresistible...

Australian kids are exposed to male genitals a lot growing up.

By the time they reach 18, they've definitely seen a cockatoo.

370HSSV-0773H

Is what my Australian ex girlfriend texted me.

What is the difference between an Australian wedding and an Australian funeral?

There is one less drunk at an Australian funeral.

An American and an Australian are chatting in a bar.

An American and an Australian are chatting in a bar.

After both ordering their drinks, the Australian asks the American "So what is it that you do for a living?"

"Oh" the American responds. "I help my clients by representing them in court, and also advise them in other legal matters."

In a thick Australian accent, the other man replies "You're a lawyer."

And the American says "No really, it's the truth."

Why do Australians call each other mate?

They were all inmates

How to master Australian accent in seconds

Say "Rise Up Lights" out loud. *You just said razor blades in Australian accent.*

Don't stop there.

Say "Beer Can" with an English accent. *You just said Bacon in Jamaican accent.*

Mastered.

Three Bills at a bar

Three men, one from America, one from Australia and one from Russia where sitting at the bar. To show off, the American picks up his revolver, shoots the cap off his bottle of beer, and proudly exlaims:

"My name is Bill. Buffalo Bill."

The Australian, not wanting to be any less of a man, picks up his boomerang and gives it a swing across the bar. It does a big circle, and on its way back it knocks the cap off his beer as well. He then says:

"My name is Bill. Crocodile Bill."

The Russian looks around nervously, then pulls his pants down, and shows that he has two penises. He then says:

"My name is Bill. Chernobyl."

What's the worst thing about being bitten by a venomous spider?

You might be Australian.

A British Soldier and an Australian Soldier are in the trenches of the Somme

The British soldier asks the Australian: "Tell me lad, did you come here to die?"

The Australian says "Nah mate, I came here yesterdie!"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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