The Best 86 Australian Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Australian jokes. There are some australian yesterdie jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these australian checkmate puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Australian Jokes and Puns

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, Do you have a criminal record?

I said, No. Is that still required?

What's the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss?

They are basically the same except you do an Australian kiss down under.

An Australian on safari...

An Aussie is tramping through a jungle with his hunting gear. He comes into a clearing and finds a stunningly beautiful naked women sprawled out across a bed of leaves.
"My god," he says. "Are you game?"
She smiles invitingly, "Yes I am."
So he shoots her.

Australian joke, An Australian on safari...

Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub

Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub with cold beers and all are relaxed.

Aussie says "Great, but back home there is a bar where the barman buys you your 5th beer once you've bought your fourth"

Well, says the Englishman, "back in Manchester my local has a buy 2 and get one for free policy".

Aah! says the Irishman, "in Dublin there's a bar where you get free drinks as soon as you walk in and they keep them coming all evening.Then they take you upstairs and you get non stop sex all night".

"What, youve actually experienced this yourself"? asks the Aussie.

Well "no" says the Irishman "but me sister has"!

My girlfriend is like an Australian Olympian

She always comes second.


A British man goes on holiday in Australia...

After getting off the plane in Sydney, the man waits to go through Australian customs.

"Do you have anything to declare?" asks the Australian customs officer.

"No" replies the British man.

"Do you have a criminal record?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't know that was still a requirement."

Australians

An australian tourist flies to america. He is unpacking his bags in a hotel, rents a motorcycle and start driving. He goes 70MPH in a 40MPH speed limit roas, whan a cup is telling him to pull over. The police officer yells at him: "What is wrong with you, man?!?! Did you came here to die?!"
"No," the tourist said, "I came here yesterday"

Australian joke, Australians

An Australian takes a vacation in america...

He's driving along in his rented car and a cop notices him driving on the wrong side of the road.

He pulls him over and says "Do you realize you're driving on the wrong side of the road!?"

The Australian says "Oh I'm from Australia."

The cop says "Well did you come here to die!?"

"No," replies the Australian. "I came here yesterduai!"

The new store...

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be opened new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked, 'What you sell?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arseholes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well. Only two left!'

A British soldier meets an Australian soldier on a warzone

**British soldier**: Did you come here to die?

**Australian soldier**: Nah mate, I came here yesterday!

What did the Australian optometrist say to the client with 20/20 vision?

Good eye, mate.

You can explore australian kangaroo reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean australian nsw dad jokes. There are also australian puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


How do Australians find sheep in the long grass?

Irresistible...

What did the Australian chess player say to the waiter when he finished his meal?

Check, mate.

A man is applying for Australian citizenship when the clerk asks "Do you have a criminal record?"

"No" the man says. "Is that still required?"

Why is it so confusing to play chess with an Australian?

Because every "check" is a "check, mate!"

What's the worst thing about getting bit by a poisonous spider?

That you're probably Australian.

Australian joke, What's the worst thing about getting bit by a poisonous spider?

What's an Australian Kiss?

A French kiss down under ;)

*first post here, a coworker of mine told me the joke. Go easy :)*

[NSFW] What's the worst thing about...?

....getting your keys locked in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go in to ask for a coat hanger.

*Yet another Australian pub joke*

What did the Australian Chess player say to the waiter?

Cheque, mate!


So an Australian wakes up from his coma in a hospital after a brutal car crash...

...and the first thing he sees is a beautiful nurse!

So he asks her, "Did I come here to die?"

The nurse replies, "Nope, you came here yesterday."

:D

Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night.

Who is the Australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?

Rihanna, mate.

An Australian bin man knocks at the door of a Chinese guy

And asks 'where's ya bin mate'
The guy answers 'I bin watching TV!'
The Ozzie asks 'na mate where's ya wheelie bin'
The guy hangs his head and says 'I wheelie been wanking'

What do you call an Australian who's prejudiced against grains?

A riceist.

(It sounds better when you say it aloud)

Would an Australian WiFi network...

...be a LAN down under?

What did the Australian say to the two people fighting over bread?

It's stalemate

An Australian man wakes up in the hospital...

... he says, "Doctor, was I brought here to die?"
The doctor replies, "No, you were brought here yester-die"

How do Australian bees please the queen bee?

They bee hive

An Australian is visiting England...

He is from a small rural town and he does not know anything about traffic laws and street lights. He crosses a street and almost gets hit by a car. A police officer sees him and screams: "Oi! Did you come here to die?" The Australian replies with: "Nah mate, I came here yesterday!"

So I was talking to my Australian friend when I asked him what country his Mother was from

"Alaska"

"Okay well tell me what she says"

It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.

The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"ο»Ώ

A British man enters customs at an Australian airport.

The officer asks
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The man looks confused and replies
"No, do I still need one?"

I was playing chess with my Australian friend

He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".

I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"

Confused he said, "mate, I know."

An Australian man living by the cliff has prevent over 150 suicides, during the 50 years he has lived there...

... by shooting them himself.

An Australian asked me, "Have you come to die?"

"No, I came yesterday.", I replied.

What do Australians and wetting yourself in the basement have in common?

They're both incontinence down under.

Australians don't have sex

Australians mate

an American and a Australian are in the trenches

the American asks: did you come here to die

the Australian says back: no i came here yesterday

Why are Australian security guards so good at playing chess?

They always check, mate

An Australian man has just arrived to America

An Australian man has just arrived to America and almost got hit by a car while crossing the road.

The American driver got out of his car very angrily and yelled:

"Did you come here to die?!"

"No, I came here yesterday."

What's the difference between an Australian and a pot of yogurt?

Leave a pot of yogurt in the sun for 200 years and it develops a culture.

What do you call an Australian looking after his grill?

A barbie sitter

How did the Australian pay for his new chess set?

Cheque, mate.

What did the sterile australian say to his wife that wanted kids

Im afraid i cant mate

A British man is visiting Australia for vacation.

The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"

The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"

When you think about it, technically all Australian submarines are down under.

.............I'll let that sink in.

Why did the Australian fisherman get kicked out of the toy store.

Because he was throwing shrimp on the barbie.

Three Bills at a bar

Three men, one from America, one from Australia and one from Russia were sitting at a bar. To show off, the American picks up his revolver, shoots the cap off his bottle of beer, and proudly exlaims:

"My name is Bill. Buffalo Bill."

The Australian, not wanting to be any less of a man, picks up his boomerang and gives it a swing across the bar. It does a big circle, and on its way back it knocks the cap off his beer as well. He then says:

"My name is Bill. Crocodile Bill."

The Russian looks around nervously, then pulls his pants down, and proudly shows his two penises. He then says:

"My name is Bill. Cherno Bill."

Joke from a 1920s Australian Newspaper

**Diplomacy**

Uncle to nephew playing a game of War with a companion: "If you take the fortress within a quarter of an hour, I'll give you a sixpence."

Youngster (a minute later): "Uncle, sixpence please, the fortress is taken."

Uncle: "How did you manage it so quickly?"

Youngster: "I offered the besieged threepence and he gave in."

Source: The Narracoote Herald, Friday 13, February 1920

A british tourist arrives to the Sydney airport.

The australian duty officer checks the tourist's passport before letting him enter the country, then asks:

"Have you ever been sentenced?"

"Wait, is this still a requirement?"

What do Australians get from education?

Koalafications

How do Australians know who won the chess game?

They check, mate.

Have you ever heard of the Australian Kiss?

It's like a French kiss, but from down under

Why do Australians abroad always work in pubs?

They're used to being behind bars.

If your workplace requires password changes every 90 days

just set it to the name of the current Australian Prime minister and you should be fine.

What do you call an Australian guy who is a vegan?

Vegemate.

Australian kids are exposed to male genitals a lot growing up.

By the time they reach 18, they've definitely seen a cockatoo.

Little Johnny, a young American boy, is down at the shops when..

He sees a group of disgruntled looking Australian tourists holding maps and wandering around.

Being the inquisitive young lad that he is he decides to try and find out a bit about them. Although he cant understand a word they're saying he quickly learns that they're from an ancient Australian tribe called the Fakawi!

Excited by this discovery Johnny runs home to tell his mother about his find.

"Mum, mum!", Johnny shouts, "I met native members of the Fakawi tribe today!".

"How did you know who they were?" Mum asks.

"Well that was easy," says little Johnny, "everywhere they went they were telling people, "We're the fakawi!"".

Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?'

He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'

I'm going to teach you how to speak Irish in the spirit of diversity.

Say, "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly.

Bonus: for Australian say, "Good eye might."

An Australian General says to a soldier, Did you come here to die?

The soldier responds, No, sir. I came here yester-die!

Accent humour, mate!

It's the year 2022, WWIII has started. 1st world countries vs 2nd world countries and Middle East. Britain asks for reinforcement from Australia. The Australian regiment arrives and next morning starts preparing while the British Commander enters and starts increasing the army's morale:

British Commander: Did you came here *to die*?

Australian Soldier: No sir, we came here *yester-die*.

An Australian man and his kangaroo walk into a bar

An Australian man and his kangaroo walk into a bar, and spend the night drinking shot after shot. After a few hours, the kangaroo passes out and slumps to the floor. The man goes to pay his tab and starts to leave. The bartender shouts Hey! Are you just going to leave that lying there? The man turns back, glances at his drinking companion, and says to the bartender, That's not a lion. That's a kangaroo.

What do you call an Australian air-bender that was born in 1960?

A boomerAang.

This is an Australian Joke so I'm going to post it in their native language

Λ™,,‘ǝuo punoɟ I 'ǝʇɐɯ Ι₯ɐN,, 'sǝᴉldǝɹ ʎnΖƒ ǝΙ₯Κ‡ ,,ΒΏΖƒuoΙ₯Κ‡ ɐ ǝsol noʎ pᴉp ¿ǝʇɐɯ pǝuǝddɐΙ₯ ʇɐΙ₯M,, ɯᴉΙ₯ sʞsɐ uoɹʇɐd ǝuO Λ™(dolɟ dᴉlɟ) ΖƒuoΙ₯Κ‡ ǝuo Ζƒuᴉɹɐǝʍ Κ‡Ι₯ƃᴉu ɹǝΙ₯Κ‡o ǝΙ₯Κ‡ ɹɐq ǝΙ₯Κ‡ oΚ‡uᴉ sʞlɐʍ ǝᴉssnβˆ€ uβˆ€

Ever given anyone an Australian kiss?

It's the same as a French kiss except down unda.

One for the Australians:

A Victorian walks into a bar.

How do Australians order monkies?

Amazon Prime, mate.

I got a bit bored on a long highway drive and started scrolling through the various voice choices on my GPS.

There was a USA accent, a French accent and even an Australian accent. Then I noticed "Wife mode". So I selected it, and nothing seemed to happen, until about 10 miles later the GPS said,

"So, if I died, would you get a new GPS?""

I was watching Australian Master Chef last night...

Some guy made a meringue and everybody cheered...

I thought... That's odd, normaly in Australia they boo meringue

What's an Australian kiss?

Just like a regular French kiss, it's just down under.

Interview for Australian visa for first time mostly be like:

A : Do you have criminal record?

M: No, I didn't knew it's still required?

When I was small my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager

It wasn't until I was 18 I realised I had been Fostered

Two Australians were sitting around talking over a beer..

After a while the first Australian says to the second, If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"

The second Australian crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, _*"Well, I don't know about related, but I reckon it'd make us even."

You can never enjoy a game of Chess against an Australian.

Everytime he checks, you'll think he's won the game.

Happy new year to everyone

Unless you're Australian, in which case ɹɐǝʎ ʍǝu ʎddɐH

I wanted an Australian Visa. They asked if I had a criminal record.

Didn't know you still need it.

I just got a call from my australian grandpa!

A boomer rang.

What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a venomous spider?

You're probably Australian

What do Australians say when they play chess?

Check, mate!

A contestant made a meringue on Australian Masterchef and the crowd started clapping and cheering.

The host said, "This is very unusual for an Australian audience. They normally Boo meringues!!"

What's the difference between a liar and a lawyer?

Nothing, especially if you use an Australian accent.

How do Australians clean their butts?

Bidet, mate.

What is the biggest Australian SciFi producton?

The mate-rix

Why is it so hard to win a chess match against an Australian?

Because the moment they attack your king, it's a check, mate!

A cosmonaut crash lands

A Russian cosmonaut has an emergency during his reentry into earth's atmosphere and his space craft crash lands in the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere. After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush hospital clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is really bandaged from head to foot and sees a very large, somewhat gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot.

"Did I come here to die?" he says with a deep sense of resignation and fear.

"No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You came here yerster dye."

What's the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss?

They're the same kiss, but the Aussie one is down under.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the australian didgeridoo jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working australian mate piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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