Australia Jokes
154 australia jokes and hilarious australia puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about australia that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Want to get the party laughter going? Check out these hilarious Australia jokes focused on Aussies and Brits! Perfect for making your upcoming Australia Day celebration even more enjoyable.
Quick Jump To
- Short Australia Jokes
- Australia One Liners
- Moving To Australia Jokes
- Australia Day Jokes
- Australia Convicts Jokes
- Australia Zealand Jokes
- More Australia Jokes
Funniest Australia Short Jokes
Short australia jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The australia humour may include short bundy jokes also.
- As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you... School is my answer
- As an Aussie, Americans always ask me where in Australia *isn't* there anything trying to kill me… School I tell them.
- When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record… Confused, I replied, Oh, is that still required?
- A British man is visiting Australia. The man at customs asks him
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The british man replies
"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more." - I asked my australian friend where in Australia there ISN'T something trying to kill you. School was his answer.
- Gordon Ramsey goes to Australia and makes a lemon meringue pie. The whole audience cheers! "That's strange," he says, "I thought Australians usually boo meringue."
- Why did Australia get all the criminals while America got all the puritans? >!Because Australia won the coin toss!<
- A Briton flies into Australia and is asked by the immigration officer, Do you have any felony convictions?
The Briton replies, Sorry. I didn't realize that was still a requirement. - A man is going through customs entering Australia The man behind the desk asks him "do you have a criminal record?"
The man replies "No, I didn't know that was still a requirement" - An American tourist in Australia was in an accident. The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."
Share These Australia Jokes With Friends
Australia One Liners
Which australia one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with australia? I can suggest the ones about australia day and mate.
- What did Owen Wilson say when he got to Australia? "MOM"
- Our new IT guy moved here from Australia... He comes from a LAN down under.
- My grandpa survived both the hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings. Being in Australia helped.
- What do you call a prison full of kangaroos? Australia
- Sad news from Australia The inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
- Australia's biggest export is boomerangs But it's also their biggest import
- The new IT guy at my company is from Australia. He comes from a LAN down under.
- I wonder if Novak Djokovic will leave Australia quietly or will he make a racket ?
- I just flew into Australia and, boy, are my arms... confiscated.
- Boomerangs are Australia's largest Export. And Import.
- What do you call a female thief in Australia? A Steala
- whats the secret service of Australia called? M8
- What's the only thing in Australia that won't kill you? Old Age
- I asked my daughter what the capital of Australia is. She said A.
- Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs. It's also their biggest import.
Moving To Australia Jokes
Here is a list of funny moving to australia jokes and even better moving to australia puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- An Englishman began procedures at the Immigration Department to move to Australia Immigration: "Do you have a criminal record?"
British guy: "Is that still necessary?" - Why do so many Kiwis move to Australia? To improve the gene pool of both countries
- Why is Sean Spicer moving to Australia? He's gotten really good at roaming around the bush.
- To all the "I'm moving to Canada" people out there, you're being ridiculous. You won't be far enough to escape the nuclear fallout. Shoot for New Zealand or Australia.
- Remember when Hollywood said that they'd move to Australia if Trump won? They lied as well as a politician. Guess we know who's the next president going to be.
- "Dad, I don't wanna move to Australia" Dad: "Shut up and keep rowing"
- *Moves to australia* Now here's a story all about how my life got flip-turned upside down.
- I moved to Australia, I've never been so appreciated! I've had so many offers to "Get F**ked!"... I have the pick of the litter!!
- v**... Australia is in crisis Will any of you be moving downunder and helping out?
Australia Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny australia day jokes and even better australia day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So I just learned that Easter and April fools are on the same day in Australia. Jesus ain't no joke.
- Lol rip My brain after Australia Day
- what do you call a bus full of Muslims driving off a cliff? Clean up Australia day.
- Why was there two asians in a plastic bag? It was clean up Australia day.
- Why wasn't Jesus born in modern day Australia? Because God wouldn't be able to find find 3 wise men or a v**....
- Me: Did you know it's i**... to build a house in Italy without a Bidet? Dad: Cool! Did you know it's i**... to build a house in Australia without a G'day?
Australia Convicts Jokes
Here is a list of funny australia convicts jokes and even better australia convicts puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I wanted to visit Australia So I went to the embassy to get a visa.
The woman behind the counter asked if I'd been convicted of a crime.
I told her I didn't know that was still necessary. - The USA is proud because their Founding Fathers had strong convictions Big deal the founders of Australia had convictions too.
- A British tourist goes to Australia.. Border agent: do you have any criminal convictions?
Tourist: I didn't know they were still a requirement. - When England settled her colonies how come America got Christian zealots and Australia got convicts? Australia got first pick.
- Did you hear about the high profile conviction of a Cardinal in Australia? Neither did I...
- Australia should hire WWE wrestlers to enforce sentencing on convicted s**... offenders. That way we can have Undertaker and Mankind throw Pell in a cell.
Australia Zealand Jokes
Here is a list of funny australia zealand jokes and even better australia zealand puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A bad uber driver drove from New Zealand to Australia. He got two stars.
- Why would New Zealand starting a war against Australia be historical? It would be the first time New Zealand declared anything against Australia.
- Who invented the Pavlova, New Zealand or Australia? Fight, fight, fight, fight!
Great Australia Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about australia you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean kangaroo jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make australia pranks.
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, Do you have a criminal record?
I said, No. Is that still required?
If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?
**Ag**stralia
An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.
He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.
He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die?"
The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday."
I wanted an Australian Visa. They asked if I had a criminal record.
Didn't know you still need it.
An Australian bin man knocks at the door of a Chinese guy
And asks 'where's ya bin mate'
The guy answers 'I bin watching TV!'
The Ozzie asks 'na mate where's ya wheelie bin'
The guy hangs his head and says 'I wheelie been w**...'
Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night.
Who is the Australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?
Rihanna, mate.
Australians don't have s**...
Australians mate
An Australian man wakes up in the hospital...
... he says, "Doctor, was I brought here to die?"
The doctor replies, "No, you were brought here yester-die"
Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..
So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.
The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?
He replied 'India '.
The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'
He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian descent .
It was only few weeks later, he realised that the driver actually asked " Did you come today?'
What's the difference between an Australian and a p**... of yogurt?
Leave a p**... of yogurt in the sun for 200 years and it develops a culture.
A British man visits Australia
A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?"
The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"
Time zones are very confusing. Like it's may 2 in australia, may 1 in europe
and 1954 in america
A koala bear walks into a brothel picks out the best looking girl and heads upstairs with her.
While up there he eats her out like a madman doing things she's never even heard of.
After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.
The girl stops him and demands payment.
The bear doesn't understand. She has him look up p**... in the dictionary, a person who trades s**... for money. Still a little confused he asks what does it say about me.
Koala bear, an Australian native animal that eats bushes and leaves.
You can never enjoy a game of Chess against an Australian.
Everytime he checks, you'll think he's won the game.
How do Australians know who won the chess game?
They check, mate.
They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.
No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.
What do you call an Australian in space?
An Austronaut
It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.
The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"
Welcome to Australia!
A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"
"Pleasure," he replies.
"Anything to declare?"
"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.
"Do you have a criminal history?"
Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.
"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"
If your workplace requires password changes every 90 days
just set it to the name of the current Australian Prime minister and you should be fine.
A British man is visiting Australia for vacation.
The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"
The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"
A man is applying for Australian citizenship when the clerk asks "Do you have a criminal record?"
"No" the man says. "Is that still required?"
A British soldier meets an Australian soldier on a warzone
**British soldier**: Did you come here to die?
**Australian soldier**: Nah mate, I came here yesterday!
So I recently went to Australia...
I want to Australia for holiday.
I was at the airport and one of security people asks me: "Do you have a criminal record?"
I responded: "Oh. I didn't realise that was still a requirement."
A British man goes on holiday in Australia...
After getting off the plane in Sydney, the man waits to go through Australian customs.
"Do you have anything to declare?" asks the Australian customs officer.
"No" replies the British man.
"Do you have a criminal record?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know that was still a requirement."
What do you call an Australian looking after his grill?
A barbie sitter
What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?
They both end with a check mate
How did the Australian pay for his new chess set?
Cheque, mate.
A British man is visiting Australia.
The man at customs asks him : "Do you have any criminal record?"
he replied : "I didn't know this was still a requirement"
Why is it so confusing to play chess with an Australian?
Because every "check" is a "check, mate!"
I was watching Australian Master Chef last night...
Some guy made a meringue and everybody cheered...
I thought... That's odd, normaly in Australia they boo meringue
In the mid 1800s a primitive c**... was developed in New Zealand, made from a sheep intestine.
It wasn't until the early 1900s that it made it's way to Australia, where it was immediately improved by removing it from the sheep.
An Australian takes a vacation in america...
He's driving along in his rented car and a cop notices him driving on the wrong side of the road.
He pulls him over and says "Do you realize you're driving on the wrong side of the road!?"
The Australian says "Oh I'm from Australia."
The cop says "Well did you come here to die!?"
"No," replies the Australian. "I came here yesterduai!"
Did you hear that the next season of Stranger Things will be shot in Australia?
The kids have to defeat a monster from the Right Way Up.
An Australian on safari...
An Aussie is tramping through a jungle with his hunting gear. He comes into a clearing and finds a stunningly beautiful n**... women sprawled out across a bed of leaves.
"My god," he says. "Are you game?"
She smiles invitingly, "Yes I am."
So he shoots her.
Did you know that the boomerang is Australia's biggest export?
It's also their biggest import.
When I was small my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager
It wasn't until I was 18 I realised I had been Fostered
I don't understand how Australians can be homophonic.
I mean, G'day is just gay with a d rammed into it.
An Australian General says to a soldier, Did you come here to die?
The soldier responds, No, sir. I came here yester-die!
I was applying for citizenship in Australia, and the interviewer asked, "Do you have a criminal background".
I replied, "No, is that still a requirement".
What's the worst thing about getting bit by a poisonous spider?
That you're probably Australian.
A British man is visiting Australia.
The man at customs asks him
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man replies
"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."
My wife and I were on honeymoon at Australia last week.
I called up the Aussie helpline as we had a problem
"Aussie helpline, what's the problem?"
"Well, my wife and I were swimming yesterday, and a jellyfish stung her in her... uhm, lady parts. Anything we can do?"
"Ah, bummer mate"
"Perfect! I hadn't thought about that, thanks!"
Women are alot like continents.
At various times in her life, a woman is like the continents of the world. From 13 to 18, she's like Africa- v**... territory. From 18 to 30, she's like Asia- hot and exotic. From 30 to 45, she's like America- fully explored and free with her resources. From 45 to 55, she's like Europe- exhausted, but not without places of interest. From 55 onwards, she's like Australia- everybody knows it's down there, but nobody cares.
I was going from London to Australia for a holiday...
I was passing the security check at the airport and the man working there asked
"Sir, do you have a criminal record?"
"No, sorry. I didn't know it was still a requirement."
Little Johnny, a young American boy, is down at the shops when..
He sees a group of disgruntled looking Australian tourists holding maps and wandering around.
Being the inquisitive young lad that he is he decides to try and find out a bit about them. Although he cant understand a word they're saying he quickly learns that they're from an ancient Australian tribe called the Fakawi!
Excited by this discovery Johnny runs home to tell his mother about his find.
"Mum, mum!", Johnny shouts, "I met native members of the Fakawi tribe today!".
"How did you know who they were?" Mum asks.
"Well that was easy," says little Johnny, "everywhere they went they were telling people, "We're the fakawi!"".
When I went to Australia, I was asked if I had committed any felonies back home...
I hadn't realized that was still a requirement to get in
I was playing chess with my Australian friend
He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".
I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"
Confused he said, "mate, I know."
Australia is doing phenomenally on the Olympic medal tally considering our population
#1. USA: 318.9 million
#2. China: 1.357 billion
#3. Japan: 173.3 million
#4. Australia: 48 as of last census
An Australian gets in a bad car accident and wakes up in the ER.
He asks the doctor, "did I come here to die?"
The doctor says "No, of course not!"
The man is relieved.
The doctor says, "you came here yes-to-die!"
Why did Novak Djokovic loss the Australian Open?
He missed 2 shots.
Today I learned that the boomerang is Australia's biggest export
And also its biggest import.
Happy new year to everyone
Unless you're Australian, in which case ɹɐǝʎ ʍǝu ʎddɐH
Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub
Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub with cold beers and all are relaxed.
Aussie says "Great, but back home there is a bar where the barman buys you your 5th beer once you've bought your fourth"
Well, says the Englishman, "back in Manchester my local has a buy 2 and get one for free policy".
Aah! says the Irishman, "in Dublin there's a bar where you get free drinks as soon as you walk in and they keep them coming all evening.Then they take you upstairs and you get non stop s**... all night".
"What, youve actually experienced this yourself"? asks the Aussie.
Well "no" says the Irishman "but me sister has"!
An Australian is visiting England...
He is from a small rural town and he does not know anything about traffic laws and street lights. He crosses a street and almost gets hit by a car. A police officer sees him and screams: "Oi! Did you come here to die?" The Australian replies with: "Nah mate, I came here yesterday!"
A priest and a shepherd...
... from Australia participate in a gameshow on TV. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It's a city in Africa.
The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:
"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "
The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his poem:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three ladies cheap to rent.
But they were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "
A British man enters customs at an Australian airport.
The officer asks
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The man looks confused and replies
"No, do I still need one?"
I noticed two large woman by the bar yesterday...
... They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey are you two ladies from Australia?"
One of them screamed back at me, "It's Wales you s**... IDIOT!
So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Australia?"
They say criminals often return to the scene of the crime
That must be why there's so many Australians in London nowadays
Why could Jesus have never been born in Australia?
Seriously, you really think you're going to find 3 wise men and a v**... down there?
When I was a child my mum always used to bathe me in cheap Australian beer.
It wasn't till I was 18 that I realized I'd been Fostered....
UN Food Survey Fails...
UN Phone Survey
Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a complete failure because:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And in Australia , New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
Lockdown here in Australia is confusing.
I have no idea what's open or closed anymore. I just walk up to the automatic doors and if my face hits the glass I just turn around and go home.
