The Best 69 Australia Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Australia jokes. There are some australia bundy jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these australia ireland puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Australia Jokes and Puns

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...

School is my answer

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

An Australian on safari...

An Aussie is tramping through a jungle with his hunting gear. He comes into a clearing and finds a stunningly beautiful naked women sprawled out across a bed of leaves.
"My god," he says. "Are you game?"
She smiles invitingly, "Yes I am."
So he shoots her.

Australia joke, An Australian on safari...

Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub

Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub with cold beers and all are relaxed.

Aussie says "Great, but back home there is a bar where the barman buys you your 5th beer once you've bought your fourth"

Well, says the Englishman, "back in Manchester my local has a buy 2 and get one for free policy".

Aah! says the Irishman, "in Dublin there's a bar where you get free drinks as soon as you walk in and they keep them coming all evening.Then they take you upstairs and you get non stop sex all night".

"What, youve actually experienced this yourself"? asks the Aussie.

Well "no" says the Irishman "but me sister has"!

Death Notice

An old man and his wife had just moved to Australia when the wife passed away after a stroke. While talking to the neighbour about her passing, it was mentioned that in their new country, it is common to announce deaths with a classified ad in that section of the newspaper. Well, the old man decides that's a great idea and heads back home to dial the newspaper.

"Hi there, I'd like to place a death notice."

"OK then. Firstly, sorry for your loss. Now what would you like it to say?"

"Have it say, "Ruth died.""

"Well, um, that's, um, somewhat blunt, but the minimum charge is for five words. Is there anything else you'd like to add?"

"OK. Let me think, um... "Ruth died. Toyota for sale.""


I wanted to move to Australia for a new job

The immigration officer started asking a few questions.

Officer : What is your name?

Me : Joke Teller.

Officer : How old are you?

Me : 22

Officer : Any criminal convictions?

Me : I didn't know that was still a requirement.

A British man goes on holiday in Australia...

After getting off the plane in Sydney, the man waits to go through Australian customs.

"Do you have anything to declare?" asks the Australian customs officer.

"No" replies the British man.

"Do you have a criminal record?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't know that was still a requirement."

Australia joke, A British man goes on holiday in Australia...

Australians

An australian tourist flies to america. He is unpacking his bags in a hotel, rents a motorcycle and start driving. He goes 70MPH in a 40MPH speed limit roas, whan a cup is telling him to pull over. The police officer yells at him: "What is wrong with you, man?!?! Did you came here to die?!"
"No," the tourist said, "I came here yesterday"

An Australian takes a vacation in america...

He's driving along in his rented car and a cop notices him driving on the wrong side of the road.

He pulls him over and says "Do you realize you're driving on the wrong side of the road!?"

The Australian says "Oh I'm from Australia."

The cop says "Well did you come here to die!?"

"No," replies the Australian. "I came here yesterduai!"

What's the only thing in Australia that won't kill you?

Old Age

A man is going through customs entering Australia

The man behind the desk asks him "do you have a criminal record?"
The man replies "No, I didn't know that was still a requirement"

You can explore australia europe reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean australia sydney dad jokes. There are also australia puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I noticed two large woman by the bar yesterday...

... They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey are you two ladies from Australia?"

One of them screamed back at me, "It's Wales you stupid IDIOT!

So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Australia?"

whats the secret service of Australia called?

M8

Women are alot like continents.

At various times in her life, a woman is like the continents of the world. From 13 to 18, she's like Africa- virgin territory. From 18 to 30, she's like Asia- hot and exotic. From 30 to 45, she's like America- fully explored and free with her resources. From 45 to 55, she's like Europe- exhausted, but not without places of interest. From 55 onwards, she's like Australia- everybody knows it's down there, but nobody cares.

I asked my daughter what the capital of Australia is.

She said A.

A British man visits Australia

A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?"

The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"

Australia joke, A British man visits Australia

In the mid 1800s a primitive condom was developed in New Zealand, made from a sheep intestine.

It wasn't until the early 1900s that it made it's way to Australia, where it was immediately improved by removing it from the sheep.

A priest and a shepherd...

... from Australia participate in a gameshow on TV. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It's a city in Africa.

The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:

"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "

The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his poem:

"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three ladies cheap to rent.
But they were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him

"Do you have a criminal record?"

The British man replies

"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."


[NSFW/Slightly Offensive] What is the best thing about having sex with a Transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*

What did the Australian Chess player say to the waiter?

Cheque, mate!

An Australian bin man knocks at the door of a Chinese guy

And asks 'where's ya bin mate'
The guy answers 'I bin watching TV!'
The Ozzie asks 'na mate where's ya wheelie bin'
The guy hangs his head and says 'I wheelie been wanking'

An Australian man wakes up in the hospital...

... he says, "Doctor, was I brought here to die?"
The doctor replies, "No, you were brought here yester-die"

When I went to Australia, I was asked if I had committed any felonies back home...

I hadn't realized that was still a requirement to get in

An Australian is visiting England...

He is from a small rural town and he does not know anything about traffic laws and street lights. He crosses a street and almost gets hit by a car. A police officer sees him and screams: "Oi! Did you come here to die?" The Australian replies with: "Nah mate, I came here yesterday!"

So I recently went to Australia...

I want to Australia for holiday.
I was at the airport and one of security people asks me: "Do you have a criminal record?"
I responded: "Oh. I didn't realise that was still a requirement."

Australia is doing phenomenally on the Olympic medal tally considering our population

#1. USA: 318.9 million
#2. China: 1.357 billion
#3. Japan: 173.3 million
#4. Australia: 48 as of last census

Our new IT guy moved here from Australia...

He comes from a LAN down under.

An Australian man living by the cliff has prevent over 150 suicides, during the 50 years he has lived there...

... by shooting them himself.

Australians don't have sex

Australians mate

Why could Jesus have never been born in Australia?

Seriously, you really think you're going to find 3 wise men and a virgin down there?

What does eating in Australia and playing chess have in common?

They both usually end with "check mate"

Why are Australian security guards so good at playing chess?

They always check, mate

An Australian man has just arrived to America

An Australian man has just arrived to America and almost got hit by a car while crossing the road.

The American driver got out of his car very angrily and yelled:

"Did you come here to die?!"

"No, I came here yesterday."

I was going from London to Australia for a holiday...

I was passing the security check at the airport and the man working there asked

"Sir, do you have a criminal record?"

"No, sorry. I didn't know it was still a requirement."

How did the Australian pay for his new chess set?

Cheque, mate.

My wife and I were on honeymoon at Australia last week.

I called up the Aussie helpline as we had a problem

"Aussie helpline, what's the problem?"

"Well, my wife and I were swimming yesterday, and a jellyfish stung her in her... uhm, lady parts. Anything we can do?"

"Ah, bummer mate"

"Perfect! I hadn't thought about that, thanks!"

A Briton flies into Australia

and is asked by the immigration officer, Do you have any felony convictions?
The Briton replies, Sorry. I didn't realize that was still a requirement.

A British man is visiting Australia for vacation.

The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"

The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"

The new IT guy at my company is from Australia.

He comes from a LAN down under.

Sad news from Australia

The inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Three Bills at a bar

Three men, one from America, one from Australia and one from Russia were sitting at a bar. To show off, the American picks up his revolver, shoots the cap off his bottle of beer, and proudly exlaims:

"My name is Bill. Buffalo Bill."

The Australian, not wanting to be any less of a man, picks up his boomerang and gives it a swing across the bar. It does a big circle, and on its way back it knocks the cap off his beer as well. He then says:

"My name is Bill. Crocodile Bill."

The Russian looks around nervously, then pulls his pants down, and proudly shows his two penises. He then says:

"My name is Bill. Cherno Bill."

What do you call a prison full of kangaroos?

Australia

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him : "Do you have any criminal record?"

he replied : "I didn't know this was still a requirement"

How do Australians know who won the chess game?

They check, mate.

A British man arrives in Australia

Customs agent asks him "Do you have a criminal record?"

The British man responds "no, why, is it still necessary?"

An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.

The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."ο»Ώ

An American pilot is flying a small plane across Australia.

He crashes in the Outback and is knocked unconscious. When he comes to, he's in a hospital with a nurse standing over him. Still groggy and pretty much out of it, he asks "Did you bring me here to die?" Nurse says "Nah, ya got here yesta die."

I read today that the Prime Minister of Australia receives in the mail, on average, two parcels each week that contain human excrement.

I wonder who's sending the other one?

What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?

They both end with a check mate

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him

"Do you have a criminal record?"

The British man replies

"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

An Australian General says to a soldier, Did you come here to die?

The soldier responds, No, sir. I came here yester-die!

Time zones are very confusing. Like it's may 2 in australia, may 1 in europe

and 1954 in america

I was applying for citizenship in Australia, and the interviewer asked, "Do you have a criminal background".

I replied, "No, is that still a requirement".

Two men are playing chess in Australia

One guy asks "What's your ethnicity?"

As he knocks over the king, the other guy responds "Czech, mate"

What do Australia and The Spice Girls have in common?

The rest of us are trying our best but Victoria is ruining it for everyone.

This is an Australian Joke so I'm going to post it in their native language

Λ™,,‘ǝuo punoɟ I 'ǝʇɐɯ Ι₯ɐN,, 'sǝᴉldǝɹ ʎnΖƒ ǝΙ₯Κ‡ ,,ΒΏΖƒuoΙ₯Κ‡ ɐ ǝsol noʎ pᴉp ¿ǝʇɐɯ pǝuǝddɐΙ₯ ʇɐΙ₯M,, ɯᴉΙ₯ sʞsɐ uoɹʇɐd ǝuO Λ™(dolɟ dᴉlɟ) ΖƒuoΙ₯Κ‡ ǝuo Ζƒuᴉɹɐǝʍ Κ‡Ι₯ƃᴉu ɹǝΙ₯Κ‡o ǝΙ₯Κ‡ ɹɐq ǝΙ₯Κ‡ oΚ‡uᴉ sʞlɐʍ ǝᴉssnβˆ€ uβˆ€

I was watching Australian Master Chef last night...

Some guy made a meringue and everybody cheered...

I thought... That's odd, normaly in Australia they boo meringue

I just flew into Australia and, boy, are my arms...

confiscated.

Two Australians were sitting around talking over a beer..

After a while the first Australian says to the second, If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"

The second Australian crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, _*"Well, I don't know about related, but I reckon it'd make us even."

Welcome to Australia!

A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"

"Pleasure," he replies.

"Anything to declare?"

"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.

"Do you have a criminal history?"

Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.

"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"

Murder investigation Australia

When some one is killed by violence in Australia

the detectives have it easy, they just wait and see who the boomerang

comes back to.

German philosophy professor arrive to Australia

Professor: Today we'll study Kant

Student: Ok, mate, so what we will study?

Australian in the US army

A drill sergeant is yell at an Australian private.

Officer: did you come here to die!!!

Private: no sir I came here yesterday.


(Must say in Australian accent.)

Lockdown here in Australia is confusing.

I have no idea what's open or closed anymore. I just walk up to the automatic doors and if my face hits the glass I just turn around and go home.

What do Australians say when they play chess?

Check, mate!

What did Owen Wilson say when he got to Australia?

"MOM"

An American goes to Australia

And is attending a talk by Bush rangers while taking a wild tour about how it is very dangerous and you should always be on your watch. After the bit about how kangaroos are dangerous, he asks "Is there anywhere in Australia where something or someone isn't trying to kill you?"

"School"

In Australia they use kangaroo broth to make

Marsoupial

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the australia denmark jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working australia tasmania piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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