aussie Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious aussie puns

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...

School is my answer

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Aussie Helpline

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline here ...What's the problem,cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer, mate..!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

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Aussie Helpline

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp,
and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer mate!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

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I don't see what's so offensive about calling someone from Pakistan a Paki...

It's like calling someone from Scotland a Scot, an Australian an Aussie or someone from France a cunt

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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia...

Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line.

"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya mate?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....you know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"

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Aussie Outback Help Line

Phone Operator: "G'day mate .... Helpline here ........What's the
problem?"

Customer: "I'm in the Outback with the girlfriend and she's been stung
on her thigh by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!"

Australian Telephone Operator: "Bummer!"
Customer: "Great advice! Thanks mate, bye."

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Australian helpline...

Helpline Agent: "G'day mate, Aussie help line ere, what's the problem cobber?

Guy: "I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up"

Helpline Agent: "Ah bummer mate!"

Guy: "Cheers mate, I hadn't thought of that, bye!"

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An Australian on safari...

An Aussie is tramping through a jungle with his hunting gear. He comes into a clearing and finds a stunningly beautiful naked women sprawled out across a bed of leaves.
"My god," he says. "Are you game?"
She smiles invitingly, "Yes I am."
So he shoots her.

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My wife and I were on honeymoon at Australia last week.

I called up the Aussie helpline as we had a problem

"Aussie helpline, what's the problem?"

"Well, my wife and I were swimming yesterday, and a jellyfish stung her in her... uhm, lady parts. Anything we can do?"

"Ah, bummer mate"

"Perfect! I hadn't thought about that, thanks!"

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I took my wife on our honyemoon to Australia..

Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line.

"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"

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A Brit & an Aussie walk into the men's room and take a piss...

As they finish, the Brit heads for the sink & turns on the water while the Aussie heads for the door.

With a disapproving look, the Brit turns to the Aussie and says: "In England, we wash our hands after using the bathroom."

"No worries, mate;" answers the Aussie, " in Australia we don't piss on our hands."

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Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub

Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub with cold beers and all are relaxed.

Aussie says "Great, but back home there is a bar where the barman buys you your 5th beer once you've bought your fourth"

Well, says the Englishman, "back in Manchester my local has a buy 2 and get one for free policy".

Aah! says the Irishman, "in Dublin there's a bar where you get free drinks as soon as you walk in and they keep them coming all evening.Then they take you upstairs and you get non stop sex all night".

"What, youve actually experienced this yourself"? asks the Aussie.

Well "no" says the Irishman "but me sister has"!

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Apparently, it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racia or ethnic minority, so here goes!:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, a Belgian, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

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Aussie v. Kiwi (NSFW)

An Australian sheep farmer decides to take a vacation in New Zealand. After a few days of seeing the usual tourist sites, he decides to check out a local sheep farm.

As he is walking up to the gate, the Aussie spots a Kiwi shepherd with his back to him. The Kiwi's pants are down around his ankles and he has a ewe by the hind legs. He is balls deep in her, pumping away like there's no tomorrow.

Digusted, the Aussie calls out "Hey, mate! Where I'm from, we shear those!"

Without missing a stroke, the Kiwi shouts back: "Fuck off! I ain't shearin' this with anyone!"

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Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethic minority, so...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Singaporean, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Hindu, a Muslim, a Monk, an Italian, a Serb, a Russian and an Ethiopian went to a bar.

The bouncer said, "I'm sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai"

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Never confuse a Kiwi with an Aussie.

One's a soft, hairy fruit and the other's a Kiwi!

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Clean Shave

An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, Aussie, for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

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An Australian walks into a US bar...

...with a crocodile under his arm. The bartender takes one look and says, "Hey! You can't bring that dangerous animal in here!"

"Dangerous? That ridiculous!" the Aussie proclaims. "Watch this!"

He places the croc on a table and grabs a nearby newspaper, rolling it up. He hits the croc over the head. The croc's jaws slowly open. The Australian whips out his dick, lays it over the crocodile's teeth, and hits it on the head again. The croc closes it's mouth ever-so-gently, not breaking his skin.

"Anyone else wanna try it?" the Australian asks.

A blonde woman raises her hand and says, "I will...if you don't hit me with the paper."

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Honeymoon in Australia

My wife and I went on our honyemoon to Australia. Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?" I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know." The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!" I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"

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What's the difference between and Aussie and a Yoghurt?

If you leave a yoghurt out in the sun for 200 years, it will develop a culture.

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman,

a Latvian, a Chinese, a Japanese,
a Kiwi, a Canuck, an Eskimo,
a Fijian, a Turk, an Aussie,
a Yank, an Egyptian, a Spaniard,
a Mongolian, a Tibetan, a Polack,
a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard,
a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian,
a German, an Indian, an Italian,
a Brazilian, a Kenyan, a South African,
a Filipino, a Pakistani, a Korean,
a Argentinian, a Lithuanian, a Dane,
a Finn, a Swede, an Israeli,
a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb,
a Czech, and a Swiss man go to a pub..............

The bouncer says, "Sorry. I can't let you in without a Thai."

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A few years back, three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie are all walking together one day...

...
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
Says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
Can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Aussie says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Aussie sits down on his Harley , cracks a beer, lights a cigarette,
Smiles and says,
'Fill the fucker with water.'

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An Englishman, an Aussie and an Irishman walk into a bar

They each order a beer, when they come all three have a fly floating in them. The Englishman immediately calls the waitress over and demands a new drink. The Aussie shrugs his shoulders and downs the beer, fly and all. The Irishman grabs the fly and yells at him you thieving shit, spit it out, spit it out!

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Wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia...

Wife got a bullseye bite and I needed help.

"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"

-------
**madazzahatter**

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Let's make it Aussie joke day.

A man on vacation in Queensland suffers a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. On waking, he weakly asks the nurse, "Was I brought here to die?" The nurse replies, "No, they brought you in yesterday."

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An Aussie was visiting the US

When asked by an American what he thought about American beer, he responded "It is like making passionate love in a canoe on a beautiful river."

Dazzled by this response the American asked:

-"How so?"

+"It's fucking close to water!"

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An Aussie kiss is like a French kiss...

But down under

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An Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are at a bar

An Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are at a bar, all having a beer.

A fly lands in the Englishmans beer, he pushes the beer away with a look of disgust and orders a new one.

A few minutes later another fly lands in the Aussies beer. He flicks the fly out and continues drinking.

Eventually a fly lands in the Scotsmans beer. He reaches in, pulls it out and holds it over his glass, hitting the back of it and starts shouting "Spit it out ya little bastid!"

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A man calls the Aussie helpline...

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline... what's the problem?"

"I'm in Darwin with me missus. She's been stung in the cunt, now her pussy has completely shut!"

"Bummer."

"Thanks, mate. Didn't think of that."

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Latvian..

an Irishman, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Kiwi, a Canuck, an Eskimo, a Fijian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Spaniard, a Mongolian, a Tibetan, a Polack, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Indian, an Italian, a Brazilian, a Kenyan, a South African, a Filipino, a Pakistani, a Korean, an Argentinean, a Lithuanian, a Dane, a Finn, a Swede, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Croat, and a Panamanian go to a fancy bar... 

The doorman says: "Sorry. I can't let you in without a Thai. "

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A guy got angry at an aussie

A guy got really angry at an aussie, so he told him "Go die"



The aussie responded "G'day to you to, mate!"

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Paddies vs. Aussies

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

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Us Australians are a sensitive bunch

Three Aussie blokes named Mongrel, Coot and Bluey, were working high up on an
outback mobile phone tower.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says,
"Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife".
Mongrel says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bluey says, "Where'd you get the beer Mongrel?"
"Coot's wife gave it to me," Mongrel replies.

"That's unbelievable, you actually told his missus her husband was dead and
she gave you a case of beer!"

"Well, not exactly", Mongrel says.
When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Coot's widow."
She said, "You must be mistaken .... I'm not a widow."
Then I said, "I'll betcha a case of beer you are."
Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

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Everything is bigger in Texas

A Texan man was driving thru rural NSW with his Aussie chaperone when they passed a cornfield.

'You know back where I am from in Texas our cornfields are ten times larger then that' scoffs the Texan.

Next they drive past a couple of barns.

'You know back where I am from in Texas our barns are ten times larger then that'

They continue along when they pass an open field with kangaroos jumping about.

'What do you call those things' asks the shocked Texan.

The Aussie chaperone replies 'don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?'

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For you Aussies...

A young man walking along the Pier notices an old man with his shoes off, trouser legs rolled up, legs dangling in the sea and fishing with an imaginary rod.

Puzzled the young man asks "What are you doing?"

The old man replies "Fishing for cunts".

"Sounds good. Can I join you?" replied the young man.

"Of course you can. Have a seat, son".

The young man sits down and casts an imaginary rod out, and then says "So, how many cunts have you caught today?"

The old man replies "You're the third this morning".

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What are the most funny Aussie jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Aussie? Well, here are the best Aussie dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Aussie pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes