The Best 50 Aussie Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Aussie jokes. There are some aussie zealand jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these aussie yesterdie puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Aussie Jokes and Puns

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...

School is my answer

An Australian on safari...

An Aussie is tramping through a jungle with his hunting gear. He comes into a clearing and finds a stunningly beautiful naked women sprawled out across a bed of leaves.
"My god," he says. "Are you game?"
She smiles invitingly, "Yes I am."
So he shoots her.

Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub

Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub with cold beers and all are relaxed.

Aussie says "Great, but back home there is a bar where the barman buys you your 5th beer once you've bought your fourth"

Well, says the Englishman, "back in Manchester my local has a buy 2 and get one for free policy".

Aah! says the Irishman, "in Dublin there's a bar where you get free drinks as soon as you walk in and they keep them coming all evening.Then they take you upstairs and you get non stop sex all night".

"What, youve actually experienced this yourself"? asks the Aussie.

Well "no" says the Irishman "but me sister has"!

Aussie joke, Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub

Japanese Camera

There's a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut.

Old Aussie joke: Why is the lady on the Red Heads matchbox always smiling?

There are 48 heads in her box - of course she`s happy!

Let's make it Aussie joke day.

A man on vacation in Queensland suffers a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. On waking, he weakly asks the nurse, "Was I brought here to die?" The nurse replies, "No, they brought you in yesterday."

I told an Aussie friend I was having trouble rooting my phone

He replied, "Maybe try buying it dinner first, mate. "

Aussie joke, I told an Aussie friend I was having trouble rooting my phone

It's a pain being an Aussie sometimes.

I got a new boomerang the other day, one problem though. I can't throw my old one away.

Request: A joke involving an Indian, an Irish, an Aussie and a Brazilian

This resumes the current setup at home, whenever I tell someone it sounds like I'm starting a joke... please help me finding a real joke to use.

How to spot an Aussie

1. Shout 1 3 DOUBLE OH!
2 Wait till someone shouts "6 TRIPLE 5 OOOHHHH 6"

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethic minority, so...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Singaporean, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Hindu, a Muslim, a Monk, an Italian, a Serb, a Russian and an Ethiopian went to a bar.

The bouncer said, "I'm sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai"

You can explore aussie australian reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean aussie mate dad jokes. There are also aussie puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Clean Shave

An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, Aussie, for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

How do you ask an Aussie waiter for the bill?


Never confuse a Kiwi with an Aussie.

One's a soft, hairy fruit and the other's a Kiwi!

Aussie chat up line

"...bite on this stick sheila..."

What did the Aussie say when his friend ran out of TP?

Bidet mate!

Aussie joke, What did the Aussie say when his friend ran out of TP?

What do Aussies call a kangaroo that lives with them?

A roommate.

My wife and I were on honeymoon at Australia last week.

I called up the Aussie helpline as we had a problem

"Aussie helpline, what's the problem?"

"Well, my wife and I were swimming yesterday, and a jellyfish stung her in her... uhm, lady parts. Anything we can do?"

"Ah, bummer mate"

"Perfect! I hadn't thought about that, thanks!"

Paddies vs. Aussies

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

What should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

An Aussie, an Englishman and a Cossack are in a plane.

They're going to France.

Aussies dont have sex


Drank a full crate of Fosters last night

Feel terrible this morning, gonna have to ring work and tell them I've got Aussie flu.

How does the Aussie Chessmaster pay his bills?


An Australian with two bad eyes may not be the best at making you feel good...

But an Aussie with one good eye might...

What do you get when you cross a creole stew with a big fibber

*In Aussie accent*: a jambalaya

My Aussie drug dealer is obsessed with meat from the back of an animal

He was up doing loins all night.

A New Zealander and an Australian are walking down a track

The two mates come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

Naturally, the kiwi bloke jumps over the fence, bends over, pulls down his pants and goes to town doing the sex on the poor sheep.

Upon finishing he looks over at his aussie mate, and goes your turn bro , to which naturally the aussie bloke jumps the fence, bends over, removes his pants, and sticks his head in the fence.

As an Aussie; 10am is when I make a cuppa Twinings English Breakfast for the local marsupials

it's a really koala tea time

What do Aussie bass strings say?


What's the difference between and Aussie and a Yoghurt?

If you leave a yoghurt out in the sun for 200 years, it will develop a culture.

An Aussie kiss is like a French kiss...

But down under

An American and Australian are arguing over the spelling of 'jail'

Aussie says, 'Look mate, it's spelt G-A-O-L, that's the original correct spelling used by the English.'

The American looks over to their British buddy, 'Sort this out for us will ya, how did you learn to spell it?'


A guy got angry at an aussie

A guy got really angry at an aussie, so he told him "Go die"

The aussie responded "G'day to you to, mate!"

Why didn't the Aussie need to wear glasses?

Because he had a good eye, mate!

My aussie friend was clearly impressed with me..

When i spotted him amongst the dense crowd of people.

Without skipping a beat, first thing he said to me was, good eye mike!

Aussies have sex on the mind all the time...

Eh, mate?

You know you're an Aussie if...

sᴉΙ₯Κ‡ pɐǝɹ uɐɔ noβ…„

What name did the Aussie give his pal who was in a vegetative state?


What's an Aussies favorite kind of pie?

Boo meringue

A Kiwi and an Aussie are fishing one afternoon and have a couple of cold beers

After a while the Kiwi says to the Aussie, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" The Aussie after a great deal of thought, says, "I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."

My Aussie friend doesn't understand Chess

He says check mate even when I have a way out

I don't know why the teen that cracked egg on the Aussie senator's head is hailed as a hero.

He's clearly an eggstremist and we don't condone eggstremism

An Aussie wins a game of chess and calls for the bill, then his friend collapses in his chair.

He says: Checkmate. Check, mate then Checks his mate

An Aussie soldiers and an American soldier are pinned down in the Middle East.

The Aussie gets up and begins flailing his arms and laughing. When he gets back down, the American says

What, did you *come* here to die?

The Aussie responds Nah, I came here yesterday.

Two Aussis were playing chess.

They were concentrating really hard but rarely talked. On Move 46, the Aussie played Ke2+ and said "Checkmate."

"What do you mean checkmate? I can move away mate."

An Aussie phones an ambulance because his mate's been just hit by a car

Aussie: Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.

Operator: What is your location sir?

Aussie:On Eucalyptus Street.

Operator: How do you Spell that sir?

Silence..... (heavy breathing) and after a minute or so...

Operator: Are you there sir?

More heavy breathing and another minute later...

Operator: Sir, can you hear me?

This goes on for another few minutes until...

Operator:Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?

Aussie: Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell
eucalyptus, so I just dragged him around to Oak Street.

What do you call an Aussie in the finals of the World Cup?

A referee.

Kiwi Farmer

The kiwi farmer is taking his Aussie mate on a tour of his farm. In the top paddock they come across a ewe with its head stuck in the fence. Without hesitation the kiwi jumps the ewe and has his way. He turns to his Aussie mate and says do you want a turn? OK says the Aussie and sticks his head in the fence.

Welcome to Australia!

A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"

"Pleasure," he replies.

"Anything to declare?"

"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.

"Do you have a criminal history?"

Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.

"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the aussie englishman jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working aussie nsw piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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