Aussie Jokes
70 aussie jokes and hilarious aussie puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about aussie that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Aussie jokes are some of the funniest and most clever jokes around. Here are a few of our favourites.
Funniest Aussie Short Jokes
Short aussie jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The aussie humour may include short blue jokes also.
- As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you... School is my answer
- As an Aussie, Americans always ask me where in Australia *isn't* there anything trying to kill me… School I tell them.
- What's the difference between and Aussie and a Yoghurt? If you leave a yoghurt out in the sun for 200 years, it will develop a culture.
- A guy got angry at an aussie A guy got really angry at an aussie, so he told him "Go die"
The aussie responded "G'day to you to, mate!" - What's the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss? They're the same kiss, but the Aussie one is down under.
- An Australian with two bad eyes may not be the best at making you feel good... But an Aussie with one good eye might...
- Japanese Camera
There's a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut.
- Old Aussie joke: Why is the lady on the Red Heads matchbox always smiling?
There are 48 heads in her box - of course she`s happy! - I asked Aussie if he could name one thing he loves to do the most? He said, I'd love to mate.
- Americans tend to think us Aussies are all dumb... But atleast we get our weather information from meteorologists and not groundhogs.
Share These Aussie Jokes With Friends
Aussie One Liners
Which aussie one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with aussie? I can suggest the ones about aussie kiwi and mate.
- Never confuse a Kiwi with an Aussie. One's a soft, hairy fruit and the other's a kiwi!
- An Aussie kiss is like a French kiss... But down under
- How does the Aussie Chessmaster pay his bills? Checkmate
- How do you ask an Aussie waiter for the bill? 'Checkmate!'
- What does an Aussie say when it's time to pay the bill? Checkmate!
- My Aussie friend doesn't understand Chess He says check mate even when I have a way out
- What do you call an Aussie in the finals of the World Cup? A referee.
- What do Aussie bass strings say? G'DAE!
- What do Aussies call their best friends? A prime mate
- What do you get when Woolies burns down? (One for the Aussies) Coles.
- What name did the Aussie give his pal who was in a vegetative state? Vege-mite!
- What should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
- An Aussie, an Englishman and a Cossack are in a plane. They're going to France.
- What did the Aussie say when his friend ran out of TP? Bidet mate!
- Why didn't the Aussie need to wear glasses? Because he had a good eye, mate!
Aussie Kiwi Jokes
Here is a list of funny aussie kiwi jokes and even better aussie kiwi puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Togans, Fijiins, Kiwis, Aussies, Japanese, and Koreans.. May the fourth be with you.
Hilarious Aussie Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about aussie you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean kiwi aussie jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make aussie pranks.
An Australian on safari...
An Aussie is tramping through a jungle with his hunting gear. He comes into a clearing and finds a stunningly beautiful n**... women sprawled out across a bed of leaves.
"My god," he says. "Are you game?"
She smiles invitingly, "Yes I am."
So he shoots her.
Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub
Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub with cold beers and all are relaxed.
Aussie says "Great, but back home there is a bar where the barman buys you your 5th beer once you've bought your fourth"
Well, says the Englishman, "back in Manchester my local has a buy 2 and get one for free policy".
Aah! says the Irishman, "in Dublin there's a bar where you get free drinks as soon as you walk in and they keep them coming all evening.Then they take you upstairs and you get non stop s**... all night".
"What, youve actually experienced this yourself"? asks the Aussie.
Well "no" says the Irishman "but me sister has"!
Let's make it Aussie joke day.
A man on vacation in Queensland suffers a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. On waking, he weakly asks the nurse, "Was I brought here to die?" The nurse replies, "No, they brought you in yesterday."
I told an Aussie friend I was having trouble rooting my phone
He replied, "Maybe try buying it dinner first, mate. "
Request: A joke involving an Indian, an Irish, an Aussie and a Brazilian
This resumes the current setup at home, whenever I tell someone it sounds like I'm starting a joke... please help me finding a real joke to use.
How to spot an Aussie
1. Shout 1 3 DOUBLE OH!
2 Wait till someone shouts "6 TRIPLE 5 OOOHHHH 6"
Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethic minority, so...
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Singaporean, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Hindu, a Muslim, a Monk, an Italian, a Serb, a Russian and an Ethiopian went to a bar.
The bouncer said, "I'm sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai"
Clean Shave
An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, Aussie, for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
Aussie chat up line
"...bite on this stick sheila..."
My wife and I were on honeymoon at Australia last week.
I called up the Aussie helpline as we had a problem
"Aussie helpline, what's the problem?"
"Well, my wife and I were swimming yesterday, and a jellyfish stung her in her... uhm, lady parts. Anything we can do?"
"Ah, bummer mate"
"Perfect! I hadn't thought about that, thanks!"
Paddies vs. Aussies
So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.
Aussies dont have s**...
They MATE
What do you get when you cross a creole stew with a big fibber
*In Aussie accent*: a jambalaya
My Aussie drug dealer is obsessed with meat from the back of an animal
He was up doing l**... all night.
A New Zealander and an Australian are walking down a track
The two mates come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.
Naturally, the kiwi bloke jumps over the fence, bends over, pulls down his pants and goes to town doing the s**... on the poor sheep.
Upon finishing he looks over at his aussie mate, and goes your turn bro , to which naturally the aussie bloke jumps the fence, bends over, removes his pants, and sticks his head in the fence.
As an Aussie; 10am is when I make a cuppa Twinings English Breakfast for the local marsupials
it's a really koala tea time
An American and Australian are arguing over the spelling of 'jail'
Aussie says, 'Look mate, it's spelt G-A-O-L, that's the original correct spelling used by the English.'
The American looks over to their British buddy, 'Sort this out for us will ya, how did you learn to spell it?'
'A-U-S-T-R-A-L-I-A'.
My aussie friend was clearly impressed with me..
When i spotted him amongst the dense crowd of people.
Without skipping a beat, first thing he said to me was, good eye mike!
A Kiwi and an Aussie are fishing one afternoon and have a couple of cold beers
After a while the Kiwi says to the Aussie, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" The Aussie after a great deal of thought, says, "I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."
I don't know why the teen that cracked egg on the Aussie senator's head is hailed as a hero.
He's clearly an eggstremist and we don't condone eggstremism
An Aussie wins a game of chess and calls for the bill, then his friend collapses in his chair.
He says: Checkmate. Check, mate then Checks his mate
An Aussie soldiers and an American soldier are pinned down in the Middle East.
The Aussie gets up and begins flailing his arms and laughing. When he gets back down, the American says
What, did you *come* here to die?
The Aussie responds Nah, I came here yesterday.
An Aussie phones an ambulance because his mate's been just hit by a car
Aussie: Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.
Operator: What is your location sir?
Aussie:On Eucalyptus Street.
Operator: How do you Spell that sir?
Silence..... (heavy breathing) and after a minute or so...
Operator: Are you there sir?
More heavy breathing and another minute later...
Operator: Sir, can you hear me?
This goes on for another few minutes until...
Operator:Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?
Aussie: Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell
eucalyptus, so I just dragged him around to Oak Street.
Kiwi Farmer
The kiwi farmer is taking his Aussie mate on a tour of his farm. In the top paddock they come across a ewe with its head stuck in the fence. Without hesitation the kiwi jumps the ewe and has his way. He turns to his Aussie mate and says do you want a turn? OK says the Aussie and sticks his head in the fence.
Welcome to Australia!
A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"
"Pleasure," he replies.
"Anything to declare?"
"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.
"Do you have a criminal history?"
Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.
"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"
Fishing Buddies
A Kiwi and an Aussie went fishing one afternoon and decided to have a couple of cold beers.
After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "If I was to sneak over to your house and made wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
The Kiwi after a great deal of thought, says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."
Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..
So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.
The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?
He replied 'India '.
The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'
He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian descent .
It was only few weeks later, he realised that the driver actually asked " Did you come today?'
What's the difference between an Aussie and an a**...?
An a**... can't go out for a night on the p**... and make an Aussie of itself
Aussies : No One can come without vaccination!
Djokovic: Ah, No 1 can come without vaccination.
An Aussie and a Kiwi are sitting at a pub, downing a few beers, after a game of rugby.
The Kiwi turns to the Aussie and says, "Bro, if I shagged your wife over a railing and got her pregnant, would it make us related?"
To which the Aussie replies, "Dunno, mate, but I do know it'll make us even."
Aussie customs
Going through the Australian border control, the customs officer interviewed me and all went well until he asked whether I had any criminal record. He was not impressed with my answer: I didn't know it was still necessary.
An Aussie in the trenches
An Australian soldier is sent to the front lines in France during World War 1 and the gruff American general meets him saying alright private this is the roughest spot in Europe now. Did you come here to die?! The Aussie says Naw mate I came yes to die
