Aussie Jokes

Following is our collection of australian humor and zealand one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Aussie puns for adults, dirty mate jokes or clean yesterdie gags for kids.

There is an abundance of englishman jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 54 funniest jokes on aussie. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any nsw witze you can hear about aussie.

The Best jokes about Aussie

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...

School is my answer

An Australian on safari...

An Aussie is tramping through a jungle with his hunting gear. He comes into a clearing and finds a stunningly beautiful naked women sprawled out across a bed of leaves.
"My god," he says. "Are you game?"
She smiles invitingly, "Yes I am."
So he shoots her.

My wife and I were on honeymoon at Australia last week.

I called up the Aussie helpline as we had a problem

"Aussie helpline, what's the problem?"

"Well, my wife and I were swimming yesterday, and a jellyfish stung her in her... uhm, lady parts. Anything we can do?"

"Ah, bummer mate"

"Perfect! I hadn't thought about that, thanks!"

An Aussie phones an ambulance because his mate's been just hit by a car

Aussie: Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.

Operator: What is your location sir?

Aussie:On Eucalyptus Street.

Operator: How do you Spell that sir?

Silence..... (heavy breathing) and after a minute or so...

Operator: Are you there sir?

More heavy breathing and another minute later...

Operator: Sir, can you hear me?

This goes on for another few minutes until...

Operator:Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?

Aussie: Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell
eucalyptus, so I just dragged him around to Oak Street.

Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub

Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub with cold beers and all are relaxed.

Aussie says "Great, but back home there is a bar where the barman buys you your 5th beer once you've bought your fourth"

Well, says the Englishman, "back in Manchester my local has a buy 2 and get one for free policy".

Aah! says the Irishman, "in Dublin there's a bar where you get free drinks as soon as you walk in and they keep them coming all evening.Then they take you upstairs and you get non stop sex all night".

"What, youve actually experienced this yourself"? asks the Aussie.

Well "no" says the Irishman "but me sister has"!


Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethic minority, so...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Singaporean, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Hindu, a Muslim, a Monk, an Italian, a Serb, a Russian and an Ethiopian went to a bar.

The bouncer said, "I'm sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai"

Never confuse a Kiwi with an Aussie.

One's a soft, hairy fruit and the other's a Kiwi!

Clean Shave

An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, Aussie, for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman,

a Latvian, a Chinese, a Japanese,
a Kiwi, a Canuck, an Eskimo,
a Fijian, a Turk, an Aussie,
a Yank, an Egyptian, a Spaniard,
a Mongolian, a Tibetan, a Polack,
a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard,
a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian,
a German, an Indian, an Italian,
a Brazilian, a Kenyan, a South African,
a Filipino, a Pakistani, a Korean,
a Argentinian, a Lithuanian, a Dane,
a Finn, a Swede, an Israeli,
a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb,
a Czech, and a Swiss man go to a pub..............

The bouncer says, "Sorry. I can't let you in without a Thai."

What's the difference between and Aussie and a Yoghurt?

If you leave a yoghurt out in the sun for 200 years, it will develop a culture.

Let's make it Aussie joke day.

A man on vacation in Queensland suffers a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. On waking, he weakly asks the nurse, "Was I brought here to die?" The nurse replies, "No, they brought you in yesterday."


An Aussie kiss is like a French kiss...

But down under

An Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are at a bar

An Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are at a bar, all having a beer.

A fly lands in the Englishmans beer, he pushes the beer away with a look of disgust and orders a new one.

A few minutes later another fly lands in the Aussies beer. He flicks the fly out and continues drinking.

Eventually a fly lands in the Scotsmans beer. He reaches in, pulls it out and holds it over his glass, hitting the back of it and starts shouting "Spit it out ya little bastid!"

An Aussie soldiers and an American soldier are pinned down in the Middle East.

The Aussie gets up and begins flailing his arms and laughing. When he gets back down, the American says

What, did you *come* here to die?

The Aussie responds Nah, I came here yesterday.

A guy got angry at an aussie

A guy got really angry at an aussie, so he told him "Go die"



The aussie responded "G'day to you to, mate!"

Paddies vs. Aussies

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

Everything is bigger in Texas

A Texan man was driving thru rural NSW with his Aussie chaperone when they passed a cornfield.

'You know back where I am from in Texas our cornfields are ten times larger then that' scoffs the Texan.

Next they drive past a couple of barns.

'You know back where I am from in Texas our barns are ten times larger then that'

They continue along when they pass an open field with kangaroos jumping about.

'What do you call those things' asks the shocked Texan.

The Aussie chaperone replies 'don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?'

A Kiwi and an Aussie are fishing one afternoon and have a couple of cold beers

After a while the Kiwi says to the Aussie, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" The Aussie after a great deal of thought, says, "I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."

Three Aussie guys...

Three Aussie guys, Gazza, Bazza and Wozza, were working on a high-rise building in Woolloomooloo. Unfortunately, Gazza falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bazza says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'
Wozza says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bazza says, 'Where did you get that, Wozza?'
'Gazza's wife gave it to me.'

Bazza continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'

'Well not exactly,' Wozza said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Gazza's widow".'
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Beer you are.'


How does the Aussie Chessmaster pay his bills?

Checkmate

How do you ask an Aussie waiter for the bill?

'Checkmate!'

An Australian with two bad eyes may not be the best at making you feel good...

But an Aussie with one good eye might...

My Aussie friend doesn't understand Chess

He says check mate even when I have a way out

Old Aussie joke: Why is the lady on the Red Heads matchbox always smiling?


There are 48 heads in her box - of course she`s happy!

Aussies dont have sex

They MATE

Japanese Camera



There's a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut.

What do you call an Aussie in the finals of the World Cup?

A referee.

What do Aussie bass strings say?

G'DAE!

My fav Aussie joke: An Aussie Virgin

A 40-year-old woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a virgin.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback.

They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.

When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm going to need all the room 1 can get."

An American, an Aussie and a Kiwi are in a bar...

... they sit at the bar and order whiskey.

The American picks up his glass, downs the shot of whiskey and throws the glass into the fireplace. "In America, we got so many glasses, we don't drink out of the same one twice!"

The Kiwi nods, downs his drink throws it up into the air and shoots it with his six-shooter. "Same in New Zealand. So many glasses, we don't dare drink out of the same one twice."

The Australian looks at them both, downs his shot, pulls out his gun and shoots the Kiwi dead. "Too many Kiwi's in Australia, we don't drink with the same one twice."

An American and Australian are arguing over the spelling of 'jail'

Aussie says, 'Look mate, it's spelt G-A-O-L, that's the original correct spelling used by the English.'


The American looks over to their British buddy, 'Sort this out for us will ya, how did you learn to spell it?'


'A-U-S-T-R-A-L-I-A'.

A New Zealander and an Australian are walking down a track

The two mates come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

Naturally, the kiwi bloke jumps over the fence, bends over, pulls down his pants and goes to town doing the sex on the poor sheep.

Upon finishing he looks over at his aussie mate, and goes your turn bro , to which naturally the aussie bloke jumps the fence, bends over, removes his pants, and sticks his head in the fence.

My aussie friend was clearly impressed with me..

When i spotted him amongst the dense crowd of people.

Without skipping a beat, first thing he said to me was, good eye mike!

I don't know why the teen that cracked egg on the Aussie senator's head is hailed as a hero.

He's clearly an eggstremist and we don't condone eggstremism

Kiwi Farmer

The kiwi farmer is taking his Aussie mate on a tour of his farm. In the top paddock they come across a ewe with its head stuck in the fence. Without hesitation the kiwi jumps the ewe and has his way. He turns to his Aussie mate and says do you want a turn? OK says the Aussie and sticks his head in the fence.

As an Aussie; 10am is when I make a cuppa Twinings English Breakfast for the local marsupials

it's a really koala tea time

A Kiwi fella Steve and an Aussie bloke Wayne headed out fishing one Saturday and started downing a couple of beers on the boat.

After a while, Aussie Wayne steve says to Kiwi Steve, "mate, If I snuck over to your house and had some wild raunchy sex with your wife while you were out, and she got knocked up and had a child, would that mean that we were related?" Kiwi Steve paused for a while and then says, "Well mate, I'm sure if that would make us related but it sure would certainly make us even!"

What should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

I told an Aussie friend I was having trouble rooting my phone

He replied, "Maybe try buying it dinner first, mate. "

An Aussie wins a game of chess and calls for the bill, then his friend collapses in his chair.

He says: Checkmate. Check, mate then Checks his mate

Politically Correct Nightclub

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Lativan, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an America, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Isreali, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Musliam, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian went to a Nightclub.

The bouncer says "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai.''

What did the Aussie say when his friend ran out of TP?

Bidet mate!

My Aussie drug dealer is obsessed with meat from the back of an animal

He was up doing loins all night.

How to spot an Aussie

1. Shout 1 3 DOUBLE OH!
2 Wait till someone shouts "6 TRIPLE 5 OOOHHHH 6"

It's a pain being an Aussie sometimes.

I got a new boomerang the other day, one problem though. I can't throw my old one away.

Why didn't the Aussie need to wear glasses?

Because he had a good eye, mate!

What do Aussies call a kangaroo that lives with them?

A roommate.

Two Aussis were playing chess.

They were concentrating really hard but rarely talked. On Move 46, the Aussie played Ke2+ and said "Checkmate."


"What do you mean checkmate? I can move away mate."

An Aussie, an Englishman and a Cossack are in a plane.

They're going to France.

What name did the Aussie give his pal who was in a vegetative state?

Vege-mite!

Request: A joke involving an Indian, an Irish, an Aussie and a Brazilian

This resumes the current setup at home, whenever I tell someone it sounds like I'm starting a joke... please help me finding a real joke to use.

You know you're an Aussie if...

sᴉɥʇ pɐǝɹ uɐɔ no⅄

Aussies have sex on the mind all the time...

Eh, mate?

What's an Aussies favorite kind of pie?

Boo meringue

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes