Following is our collection of granddad humor and marge one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Aunt puns for adults, dirty uncle jokes or clean grampa gags for kids.
There is an abundance of unt jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 62 funniest jokes on aunt. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any arctica witze you can hear about aunt.
...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...
A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.
Son: Mom, why is my cousin's name rose?
Mom: Well son, your aunt really loves flowers!
Son: Mom, what do you love?
Mom: Richard, stop asking so many questions!
"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me," said the girl. "it´s my old aunt here."
"Very well,"said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
She died in a fire
Little Johnny raised his hand. The
teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Johnny before. She
finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word 'fascinate', so
she called on him. Johnny said, "My
Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten
buttons, but her boobs are so big she
can only fasten eight."
"What is a four letter word for a woman that ends in -unt?" the Pope asks. The Bishop thinks for a minute, afraid to say such a word to the holiest of men. Then a miracle comes to him. "A-unt?" he suggests. "Yes, that fits better, got an eraser?"
.... when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life his family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the Child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia 76ers whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
The mother thinks hard and comes up with this explanation for the child.
A Democrat is like that very nice aunt you have that always promises to take you to Disneyland. But something always comes up and you never actually go.
A Republican is like a grumpy uncle. Every time you ask him about Disneyland he says absolutely not, we don't have enough money.
But then later you find out that he went with out you anyway.
- Corey Kahaney
A little black kid covered himself with baby powder and ran up to his mom screaming, "Mama, mama! Look, I'm white!". His mom was very upset and gave him a spanking and told him, "Go and tell your auntie what you told me!"
So he ran up to his auntie and said "Auntie, auntie! Look, I'm white!" His auntie got even angrier and belted him, and said "Go and tell your grandmother what you just told me"
So he ran up to his grandmother and said "Grandma, grandma! Look, I'm white". She got even angrier and beat him harder than both his mom and aunt combined.
After she was done, she asked him, "So what have you learned from this?"
And the kid responded, "I've only been white for about ten minutes and I already hate black people".
It turned out she was kidnapped and murdered before my uncle could pay the ransom. He went on a rampage, finding and slaughtering every last man who participated in kidnapping her, even going so far as to torture some of them. You could say he was.....
Ruthless
Two men are sat completing a crossword puzzle on a train, sat across from them is a Priest. The first man starts to scratch his head, and he asks the man across from him:
"A word, four across, ending with unt..."
The other man asks him:
"Well, what's the clue?"
He replies:
"It just says 'a woman,' that's all."
"Aunt?"
"Ah, yes it is!"
The man looks down, nodding in agreement. Across the carriage a feeble voice, the Priest.
"Can I borrow an eraser?"
Wearing protective gear in sanitary environment.
But it was all destroyed by a whiny brat without a mask who refused to stay home with his aunt and uncle.
I don't really mind, but I wonder what my Aunt John is gonna do...
Man: "Son What's the matter?"
Son: "Dad it was the scariest dream! A man dressed in black came and told me my aunt is going to die tomorrow!"
Man: "Son it was just a dream don't worry."
The next day he comes home and his wife is crying.
Man: "Honey what's wrong?"
Wife: "my mother called my sister just dropped dead!"
That night the man is woken again by his son screaming and he wakes him up.
Son: "Dad the man in black came to me again in my dream and said tomorrow my father is going to die!"
Man: "Son your aunt dying was just a coincidence don't worry about me I'll be fine."
The next day the man is freaked he doesn't take any elevators, doesn't walk over any grates and jumps at any noise.
When he get home his wife takes one look at him.
Wife: "Honey you look awful what is going on?"
Man "I have had the worst day ever I feel awful and just want to go to bed."
Wife: "You think you had a bad day? This afternoon the mailman dropped dead on the front porch!"
(AP) - A seven year-old Philadelphia, Pa boy was at the center of a Philadelphia courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the ...degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia Eagles whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. He asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?
She replied, "About four acres with a little home in the middle of the property."
"No," said the judge. "I mean, what is the foundation of this case?"
"It's made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle in town, as well as my husbands parents."
He said, "Do you have a grudge?"
"No," she replied. "Since we have a carport, we've never really needed one."
"Ma'am, has your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded. "About twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Madame, why do you want a divorce?"
"I've never wanted a divorce," the woman replied. "My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me."
it's a double aunt tundra
Aunt.
It was the Pink Panther theme. Dead aunt, dead aunt, dead aunt dead aunt dead aunt...
My family have a tradition of placing bets on how high they can hoist my mother's sister. I keep telling them to stop as it will end in disaster but they just keep upping the ante each year...
Sorry
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.
Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Aunt Tifa.
Mom: I think you should ask Aunt Dave that question.
They stopped when I started doing the same at funerals.
The nun is stuck on a clue that doesn't fit with some other answers that she's already written down. She asks the man for help.
"Let's backtrack, and double check that your other answers are right. That usually helps me," he says.
"Good idea," the nun says. "How about this one: A four-letter word, ending in 'U-N-T,' and the clue is 'Something you would call a woman.'"
"Aunt?" The man says.
"Oh, right..." the nun says. "Say, do you have an eraser?"
Aunt Bessie loves to meet and pamper her nieces and nephews, but she is limited only to her city, as she has a severe fear of flying. *"Who knows! Someone may be carrying a bomb!"*. Her relatives try and try to convince her how safe it is to fly nowadays, but 'she ain't gonna listen to nobody!'
One fine day, one of her nephews has a great idea; he invites a mathematician who lives a few blocks away to try and convince Aunt Bessie with numbers..
*"....and hence, Aunt Bessie, the chance of someone carrying a bomb in your plane is literally one in a million!"*, proves the mathematician.
*"Really?....and what would you say are the chances of...2 persons carrying a bomb in a plane?"*, she asks, curiously...
*"That would be less than one in a billion! C'mon, Aunt Bessie...you should go!"*
*"Huh...fine...I'll go!"*, relents Aunt Bessie, and from that day onwards, she merrily goes to all her nieces and nephews all over the world, with a bomb in her bag.
After the viewing, she discusses how kind and honest of a man her husband was, how she was so sad to see him go, and she bursts into tears.
Her nephew, after consoling his mourning aunt , asks May I say a word .
Through tears she says, Of course
He takes a moment and says Plethora .
His aunt, wiping her eyes, says Thank you, that means a lot.
Aunt was going up and down on his dad.When he sees little Johnny he is embarrassed and quickly tries covering up.
"So,..Son, see Aunty was ju.."
Little Johnny interrupts before dad could say further and says, "I know she was helping you flatten your tummy by going up and down, right?"
Dad is perplexed as it was the exactly what he was going to say and asks Johnny, "Right... Uhh, but how do you know?"
"Well, mommy too was helping the mailman flatten his tummy the other day."
Maybe that's why her relationships don't work out so well
"Mommy, why is my cousin named Rose?"
The mother replied, "Because your aunt loves roses."
The boy replies, "What about my other cousin, Daisy?"
"Your aunt also loved daisies." The mother added calmly.
"So why is my name-"
The mother interjects, "Be quiet and eat your dinner, Dickie!"
During the Holidays my Aunt comes up to me and ask if I would like some fudge. I enthusiastically agree.
>Her: "Male Fudge or Female Fudge?"
>Me: "What's the difference?"
>Her: "Male Fudge has nuts!"
She swears by it.
The pope was working on a crossword puzzle and the man saw that one of the problems was a four letter word for female that ended in "unt".
The man wanted to help the pope, but really didn't want to say the answer. Finally, after thinking and thinking, the man tells the pope "aunt". The pope thanks the man and erases his answer.
Her: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Aunt: I don't know. Why?
Her: To get to the old lady's house
Aunt: ???
Her: Knock knock
Aunt: Who's there?
Her: The chicken
The judge asks Billy Who do you want to stay with?
Billy replies Neither of my parents because they both beat me every day
The courthouse is in shock and both parents are clearly embarrassed, so the judge proclaims Well you can stay with your aunt then.
Billy says again No she beats me too, and my older cousin and my grandparents, they all beat me!
The judge thinks over with his advisors and they decide that he should be taken care of by the Cleveland Browns, because they can't beat anyone.
A 6 year old kid was at the center of a NYC Courtroom earlier this month when he challenged a court ruling over who should have Custody over him. When it was discovered that his parents beat him, he was given custody over to his grandparents. A problem arises when the boy says that his grandparents also beat him. Custody is then suggested to he given to his aunt, with the same problem: the boy was beaten by his aunt. After realizing that violence was a problem within his family, the judge let the boy propose who should have custody of him. After talking to welfare officials the Judge granted custody of the boy to the New York Giants. Who the boy firmly believed couldn't beat anyone.
- You know? my uncle is now resting in peace
- I had no clue your uncle had died
- No, the one who died was my aunt
As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.
For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.
One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.
Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.
"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.
"Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies."
"Ont", "Ant", or "Goldnt"?
She should never have asked me to be a pallbearer.
Aunt Man
Aunt
She calls herself a Phlegminist.
His Obnoxious brother: Please Gogh.
His Dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh.
His prune-loving brother: Gotta Gogh.
His Convenience-Store-Owner cousin: Stop'n'Gogh
His Constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
The Ballroom dancer aunt: Tan Gogh
His Nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
His Fruit Loving cousin: Man Gogh
His sister who loves disco: Go Gogh
His bouncy little Nephew: Poe Gogh.
Man : forgive me father, for i have sinned.
Priest : What have you done my son?
M : Everytime it rains i rape someone. A month ago it was raining and i raped my aunt.
P : may god forgive you my son.
M : a week ago it was raining again and i raped my neighbour.
P : may god forgive you my son.
M : just yesterday i raped my daughter.
*The priest runs into the church and locks the door.*
M : father, what are you doing?
P : It's starting to rain.
I expected them to waffle.
I guess she was the first person to see Spiderman home coming.
-Mom, why is my cousin named Diamond?
-Because Aunt Carol Loves Diamonds
-What about me?
-Enough questions Harambe
when she died and went towards the light it was just to shut it off.
And poke me in the ribs and say, "you're next." she stopped after I did the same to her at a funeral.
Danny Tanner was the focus of Full House.
D.J. Tanner is the focus of Fuller House.
Aunt Becky will be spending time in the Big House.
*On a first date*
Inner me: okay don't let them know you stalked them online
Them: my aunt-
Me: Martha or Susan?
Does she walk with a limp?
No, she's just a bit shorter.
after a while they started to grow on her.
Aunt!
I told her it depends on how easy I go on the whiskey.
It's gotten to the point we're we've had to preface every meeting with:
Careful, Aunt Artica is very cold
My aunt Marge has been ill for so long I've started thinking, "I can't believe she's not better.."
Mom, why is my sister's name Cameron?"
"Well, son, your father loves romance, and Cameron is an anagram of romance. So we called her Cameron."
"Oh, that makes sense. Thanks, Mom!"
"No problem, Alan."
Just think of how idyllic and peaceful the whole community was.
What did the main characters all have in common? Sheriff Andy, Barney, Opie, Gomer, Floyd the barber, Helen, Clara Jean, Aunt Bea, Goober, Harold......they were all SINGLE.
The only married character was Otis, and he was drunk all the time!
When you cross Aunt Jemima with Uncle Ben?
Rice cakes!
they are still exchanging goodbyes
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.