August Jokes

Following is our collection of apr humor and feb one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include August puns for adults, dirty oct jokes or clean augustus gags for kids.

There is an abundance of february jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 34 funniest jokes on august. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any dec witze you can hear about august.

The Best jokes about August

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I'll be in August! I said, Oh I don't know princess, why don't you tell me? She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

It's now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won't say where she got them...

Kid: "mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?"

Mother: "because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.."

My childhood crush and I are finally getting married this year!

Me in August, and her in November.

How many seconds are there in one year?

12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.

People ask how I'm so prepared for Christmas

It's easy I had all presents wrapped and hidden in the attic since August, my girlfriend is going to love her new puppy


After years of saving up, a Soviet man finally has enough to buy a car....

He goes to the appropriate ministry and informs them that he would like to purchase a vehicle.

There are currently shortages, it will be three years before your car is available, the minister informs the man. We will have it sent to your house when it's ready.

"Three years," he responds. "What month?"

"August," says the minister.

"August? What day in August?" Asks the man.

"The Second of August," says the minister.

"Morning or Afternoon?" Asks the man.

"Why do you need to know?" Asks the minister, getting exasperated.

"The plumber is coming in the morning," the man responds.

Wow, it's August 2020?

This year flu by............................

There's this penguin...

There's this penguin, driving through the South, the Deep South... late August. The hot months. "Ew! But it sure is hot!" the penguin lisped from behind the wheel of his choking jalopy.

Suddenly! The jalopy fails the penguin and he has to push it down a bumpy road to the next small town. He got out, and with all his strength in his weak flippers, he pushed the car over hill and dale.

"Whew!" he sighed.

As luck would have it, there was a mechanic in town, and he told the penguin that he'd have to spend some time with the car. "Why don't you come back in an hour or so?"

Wiping the sweat from his brow, the penguin espied an ice cream shoppe! "Hurray and yippy!" he cried! "I'll be back, toot sweet!" he said.

He ordered the tallest vanilla ice cream he could hold between his vestigial wings... those miserable fins could barely manage the scoops upon scoops of creamy goodness. The cone was so tall that more of it ended up on the penguin than in him!

"Yummy! That was very very good!" the penguin said, smacking his lips.

He waddled back to the mechanic who was ready to give the little fellow an update. The mechanic looked at the penguin sternly. The gaskets and seals on the engine were severely damaged after years of driving without a routine check, and it was certainly going to be expensive.

"Well, it looks like you blew a seal."

"Oh no, that's just ice cream!" the penguin said, wiping the ice cream from his chin.

I celebrate Halloween in August

When you show up at someone's door at night in August with a mask on, you get better stuff.

Rorschach's Joke

**Rorschach's Journal August 24, 2012**

I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor... I am Pagliacci." Good joke.

**Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.**

Mommy, why do I get Christmas presents in August?

Mom: They are cheaper than chemotherapy.


Who came after Augustus?

Septembrus

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

The August 1945 atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Bought some 250 million year old Himalayan salt

But it expires in August.

Obesity is a problem and needs to be dealt with immediately

But remember, 50% off fast food restaurants for the month of August. Help the economy

I just asked my dad what his favourite part about being a teacher is...

He responded with June, July, and August

Why is there gold blowing through the wind?

Because it's August.

Justin Bieber Jokes

Dear Justing Bieber Haters, Please respect him... I owe my life to Justin. Last August 16,2016 I was in coma for 2 months due to a terrible car accident.

One day my nurse turned the radio to Justin's song. So I got up.. And I turned off the radio.

Lorraine and Clearly

A guy had an abusive girlfriend named Lorraine. Lorraine didn't know her boyfriend was cheating on her with a lovely girl named Clearly. In August Lorraine died. At the funeral, People wondered why the guy wasn't sad,and why he was so happy.
When they asked him why he was so happy at the funeral he sang....
" I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone !"


What did August say when June claimed that today is the last day of the month?

Don't July to me!

Don't blame the holidays,

you were fat in August.

Is today really August?

Or are Julying to me?
:)

What do you call a slow-learner born the beginning of August?

A leotard

I bought a winter jacket at Urban Outfitters last August

I got a really good deal because I bought it before it was cool.

Can someone help me with a decision?

Are we buying school supplies come August or more alcohol and weed?

A kid asks his mom: "Mom, why am I getting a Christmas gift in August?"

The mom answers:

\- Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.

With medical advances over the Summer, it's expected that Oscar Pistorious will walk this August.

The story of my username

It was a cold August night. The inky black harbor was quiet, almost too quiet. As a walked down the cobblestoned steps a breeze sent a chill down my back. Fog clouded my vision, but as I boarded my modest little steamer I could see so clearly in my mind, an image. I tried to rid my mind of this thought, but the more I tried the harder it became. On the dock I was, and very close to dock was what thought was in my head. So I thought of the unintelligible nonsense Ramavian_Zola, which, to this day, I use to clearly my mind of those thoughts that are so hard and plague my mind for so long, and so erect in my head.

Today is 10/10, or as the super-strict Olympic judge calls it...

August 6th.

I booked a day trip to Svalbard in April!

I get back in August.

My friend just asked me why I'm wearing my sweatshirt in August

I told him I'm a trendsetter, I wear sweatshirts before its cool.

What do you call a mentally challenged person born in early to mid August?

A leotard.

I recently found my Journal from my trip to Europe. Allow me to share an entry.

August 30, 1997, 11:49pm - [Paris]

Woah! Princess Diana just waved and smiled at me from her car! What are the odds!

When and where was the biggest BBQ party?

Hiroshima, August 6th 1945

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes