august Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious august puns

Kid: "mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?"

Mother: "because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.."

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My childhood crush and I are finally getting married this year!

Me in August, and her in November.

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A little girl asks her mom, "Why am I getting my Christmas presents in August?"

Her mom replies, "Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy."

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How many seconds are there in one year?

12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.

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The company Valve is just like a child. It came into the world on the 24th August, 1996. Nurtured by a community...

...only to get fucked as soon as it turns 21.

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People ask how I'm so prepared for Christmas

It's easy I had all presents wrapped and hidden in the attic since August, my girlfriend is going to love her new puppy

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After years of saving up, a Soviet man finally has enough to buy a car....

He goes to the appropriate ministry and informs them that he would like to purchase a vehicle.

There are currently shortages, it will be three years before your car is available, the minister informs the man. We will have it sent to your house when it's ready.

"Three years," he responds. "What month?"

"August," says the minister.

"August? What day in August?" Asks the man.

"The Second of August," says the minister.

"Morning or Afternoon?" Asks the man.

"Why do you need to know?" Asks the minister, getting exasperated.

"The plumber is coming in the morning," the man responds.

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There's this penguin...

There's this penguin, driving through the South, the Deep South... late August. The hot months. "Ew! But it sure is hot!" the penguin lisped from behind the wheel of his choking jalopy.

Suddenly! The jalopy fails the penguin and he has to push it down a bumpy road to the next small town. He got out, and with all his strength in his weak flippers, he pushed the car over hill and dale.

"Whew!" he sighed.

As luck would have it, there was a mechanic in town, and he told the penguin that he'd have to spend some time with the car. "Why don't you come back in an hour or so?"

Wiping the sweat from his brow, the penguin espied an ice cream shoppe! "Hurray and yippy!" he cried! "I'll be back, toot sweet!" he said.

He ordered the tallest vanilla ice cream he could hold between his vestigial wings... those miserable fins could barely manage the scoops upon scoops of creamy goodness. The cone was so tall that more of it ended up on the penguin than in him!

"Yummy! That was very very good!" the penguin said, smacking his lips.

He waddled back to the mechanic who was ready to give the little fellow an update. The mechanic looked at the penguin sternly. The gaskets and seals on the engine were severely damaged after years of driving without a routine check, and it was certainly going to be expensive.

"Well, it looks like you blew a seal."

"Oh no, that's just ice cream!" the penguin said, wiping the ice cream from his chin.

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I celebrate Halloween in August

When you show up at someone's door at night in August with a mask on, you get better stuff.

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Rorschach's Joke

**Rorschach's Journal August 24, 2012**

I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor... I am Pagliacci." Good joke.

**Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.**

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Who came after Augustus?

Septembrus

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What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

The August 1945 atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

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Bought some 250 million year old Himalayan salt

But it expires in August.

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Why is there gold blowing through the wind?

Because it's August.

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I just asked my dad what his favourite part about being a teacher is...

He responded with June, July, and August

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DIY Gone Wrong

I was installing a light in the attic the today, when I slipped, and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling.

It scared the shit out of my girlfriend!

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August!

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Lorraine and Clearly

A guy had an abusive girlfriend named Lorraine. Lorraine didn't know her boyfriend was cheating on her with a lovely girl named Clearly. In August Lorraine died. At the funeral, People wondered why the guy wasn't sad,and why he was so happy.
When they asked him why he was so happy at the funeral he sang....
" I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone !"

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Justin Bieber Jokes

Dear Justing Bieber Haters, Please respect him... I owe my life to Justin. Last August 16,2016 I was in coma for 2 months due to a terrible car accident.

One day my nurse turned the radio to Justin's song. So I got up.. And I turned off the radio.

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What did August say when June claimed that today is the last day of the month?

Don't July to me!

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Don't blame the holidays,

you were fat in August.

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Mum why am i getting my Christmas present in August?

Because its cheaper than chemo.

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Is today really August?

Or are Julying to me?
:)

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I bought a winter jacket at Urban Outfitters last August

I got a really good deal because I bought it before it was cool.

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Olie v. Devil (a bit long)

Olie dies and goes to hell where he meets the Devil. The Devil says to Olie "Is it hot enough for you Olie?". Olie responds "Well back in Minnesota in June it got alot hotter than this.". So, the Devil goes over and cranks the heat up, and says "Is is hot enough for you now Olie?". Olie says "Well back in Minnesota about July it got alot hotter than this.". The Devil getting a bit mad at this point goes over and cranks the heat all the way up. "Is it hot enough for you now Olie?!" Olie replies "Well back in Minnesota around August it got alot hotter than this.". Now, the Devil is really frustrated at this point. He goes over and turns off the heat. The ground freezes, iceicles start forming, and a blizzard starts. "Well Olie is it cold enough for you now then?!" says the Devil. Olie rplies "Well back in Minnesota about January it..... Say did the Vikings win the Super Bowl?".

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Mommy, why am I getting my Christmas presents in august?

"Because it's cheaper than chemo"

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What do you call a slow-learner born the beginning of August?

A leotard

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A kid asks his mom: "Mom, why am I getting a Christmas gift in August?"

The mom answers:

\- Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.

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Is it really August?

Or are julying to me?

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With medical advances over the Summer, it's expected that Oscar Pistorious will walk this August.

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My friend just asked me why I'm wearing my sweatshirt in August

I told him I'm a trendsetter, I wear sweatshirts before its cool.

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Today is 10/10, or as the super-strict Olympic judge calls it...

August 6th.

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I booked a day trip to Svalbard in April!

I get back in August.

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What do you call a mentally challenged person born in early to mid August?

A leotard.

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I recently found my Journal from my trip to Europe. Allow me to share an entry.

August 30, 1997, 11:49pm - [Paris]

Woah! Princess Diana just waved and smiled at me from her car! What are the odds!

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Me and my crush are getting married

I am getting married on 31st august and she is on 31st october :(

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What are the most funny August jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about August? Well, here are the best August dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and August pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes