Audience Jokes

Following is our collection of auditorium humor and comedian one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Audience puns for adults, dirty spectator jokes or clean enola gags for kids.

There is an abundance of onlookers jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 62 funniest jokes on audience. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any applause witze you can hear about audience.

The Best jokes about Audience

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

I never understood school shooting jokes

I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...

A mexican magician told the audience he'll disappear on the count of three. He said "Uno, dos" *POOF*

He disappeared without a tres.

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" POOF! The horse disappears.

Lenin in Warsaw

A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called Lenin in Warsaw. Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opensβ€”on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, naked, having mad sex with another man. And then another. And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.

Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audience.

First question: Very interesting movie, comrade, butβ€”where was Lenin?

The director answers: In Warsaw.


One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.

When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you'll be safer if you stand up.

I never get any of the school shooting jokes

they must be aimed at a younger audience

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:

Walk forwards.

Turn left.

Pasteurization.

NBC is planning a sitcom about the life of Abe Lincoln.

Shot in front of a live studio audience.

I never got school shooter jokes

Guess they're aimed at a younger audience.

What do Abraham Lincoln and an '80s sitcom have in common?

Both were shot before a live audience.


The Inauguration of the First Jewish President.

The first Jewish President has just been elected, and is being sworn in. One man in the audience is watching him take the oath, when he realizes he is sitting next to the President's mother.

She turns to him and says,

"You see that man up there, the one with his hand on the book repeating the sentences?"

"Yeah?" He responds

"His brother's a doctor"

Beethoven to his audience:

Beethoven: Make some noise for the next symphony

Audience: YEAAAAAAAAA!!!

Beethoven: I can't hear you

I told my boss that when I get nervous, I like to imagine my audience naked...

... she said I should probably stop teaching the 2nd grade.

A Mexican magician tells his audience...

"I will disappear on the count of three."
He counts down.. "Uno... dos..."
And then he disappears, without a tres.

A magician says to his audience...

A magician says to his audience "I can make myself appear in 100 different places in this room". He says "3, 2, 1, Abracadabra!" Nothing happens so he tries once again, "3, 2, 1, Abracadabra!" Still nothing happens. Flustered he asks to be excused while he checks his handbook. He closes the book and says " Sorry, I've been saying the wrong magic word, 3, 2, 1, Allahu Akbar!" Needless to say his audience was blown away.

Why do ballerinas dance on their toes?

So they don't wake up the audience!

A magician lost a leg during his performance.

The audience was suprised he could pull it off.

Beethoven asks his audience: "Is everyone ready to hear some symphonies!?"

The audience cheers as Beethoven exclaims: "I can't hear you!"


A Mexican performs a magic trick.

He tells the audience he'll disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then *poof* … he disappeared without a tres!

I know a hypnotist who could control the whole audience.

He'd enter the room, say 'sleep' and everyone would fall asleep.
He'd say ''laugh'', the audience would burst out laughing.

One day, he entered the room where he would make his show as usual, but tripped in the stairs; and yelled ''shit''!

The room took three hours to clean.

Why do golf commentators speak softly?

To not wake the audience.

What did the nervous spider say to the audience?

"Forgive me guys, but I've got butterflies in my stomach."

I usually dont get school shooting jokes.

Typically they are aimed at a younger audience.

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, 'Uno, dos… and poof!

He disappeared without a tres.

A comedian was getting attacked for his routine being too sexist

So, he replaced the word "women" with "white, rich, republican women". The audience stopped complaining.

Why did the audience hate the pedophile guitarist?

Because he broke a G string while fingering a minor

A Spanish magician tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of 3

He says uno, dos... then POOF, he disappears without a tres

The Sun Mission

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night". The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !

Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV. When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"

Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause !!

Did you hear about the new Abraham Lincoln sitcom on ABC?

Shot in front of a live studio audience.

[THIS IS A REQUEST; DO NOT UPVOTE] Does anyone have a joke where the audience of the joke says the punchline?

If this isn't the right place for this, kindly redirect me.

North Korea will send man to Sun in 10 years

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night".

The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !

Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV.

When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"

Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause !!

Did you hear the one about the Mexican magician?

He told his audience that he'd disappear on the count of 3. He counted "Uno! Dos!"... And disappeared without a tres.

A Mexican Magician tells his audience that he will disappear on the count of 3...

He says, Uno, Dos........ *poof*....... he disappeared without a tres.

The comedy industry is ridiculously sexist.

Zach Galifinakis can tell a joke to a full theatre and the audience would love it. If Amy Schumer told the same joke a week later in the same theatre to the same audience, she'd be accused of stealing material

The Magician and the Parrot

There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.

He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!''

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!''

The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.

They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?''

An elderly priest is retiring

A catholic priest had served the church for over sixty years and finally decided that he was too old to continue the priesthood. He was giving a speech to the congregation.

"I remember when I first became a priest," he said. "I was terrified. I had never done public speaking before such a large audience before, and I was afraid I would mess up. To make matters worse, my first confession was terrible. Adultery, theft, gambling, tax fraud- luckily, it wasn't all like that."

The priest finishes his speech and sits down. Just then, the mayor walks in the door to give a closing to the ceremony.

"Sorry I'm late," he said. "The traffic was terrible. Our priest here will be dearly missed. I remember when he first became a priest. In fact, I was his first confession!"

When I get nervous on stage people say "imagine the audience naked"

But that just makes it harder for me.

There was a stand-up comedian notorious for his
practical jokes.

So one day, during a performance, he asked that anyone from the audience come on to the stage. A blond girl walked up. He asked her, "Can you tell us a joke?". The blond girl was well aware that the comedian was trying to pull some prank. She had decided that, no matter what, she would not fall for any of his tricks. So she took the mike from him, and proudly announced to the audience: "I'm not stupid!".

It took a whole minute for the uproar of laughter to settle.

So I told my dad a joke about Sandy Hook the other day. He didn't think it was funny

I guess it's aimed at a younger audience.

At a conference for the arcane and supernatural...

The speaker is interested in the supernatural experiences that the audience members may have been through. "Raise your hand if you have ever seen a ghost" About 80% of the audience raises their hand. "Great" says the speaker "now keep your hand raised if you have spoken to a ghost" Half of them lower their hands. "Ok this is good, now has anyone here had any actual physical contact with a ghost"? Only about ten people still have their hands raised, the excitement of the speaker is palpable "Now, has anyone here ever made love to a ghost"? All hands go down, except for one guy right up the back of the auditorium. "WOW that is amazing sir, please could you come up on to the stage". The man slowly makes his way to the stage, slightly nervous about the attention he is getting. "Sir could you please tell us what that experience was like, to make love to a ghost"? The man edges closer to the microphone and says "ghost? I'm sorry I thought you said GOAT"!

A magician tells his audience that he will disappear on the count of 3.

He says "uno... Dos..." And then vanishes.





He disappeared without a tres.

Stalin was giving a speech.

and in the middle of his speech, someone in the audience sneezed. Stalin abruptly stopped talking and asked who sneezed? But everyone was too terrified of the consequences to admit it. Stalin makes the first row of people stand up, and asks again, who sneezed? No on admits to being the one to cause this interruption. Stalin has the entire first row executed on the spot. He tells the second row to get on their feet and asks the same question. Again, no one is willing to admit fault or even tattle on their fellow comrade. Stalin has the second row executed. He then asks the third row to stand. Finally, a man comes forward and admits guilt. Stalin says "bless you" and continues on with his speech.

Help! Performing in front of a deaf audience, and need an appropriate opening joke or two

Tomorrow I'm conducting a charity benefit for a large state wide deaf education foundation. I'll be in front of ~500 people talking. I Want at least one slightly edgy jokes that would cater to this sort of rich (and largely deaf) audience.

"Once upon a time, Three Little Pigs walk into a bar. The first pig orders 10 beers, downs them, and then asks for the bathroom. The second pig orders 15 beers, downs them, and asks for the bathroom. The third pig orders 20 beers, downs them, and then sits there eating peanuts.
"Aren't you going to ask for the bathroom?" asks the bartender.
"Nope. I'm the pig who goes wee-wee-wee all the way home.""

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa..

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

My brother didnt like the school shooting jokes I was making

I think I should aim for a younger audience.

At a state dinner, both the King of the Czech lands and the King of France happened to witness a murder.

Β The next day, they held a joint conference to describe what they each had seen. As the King of France gave his recollection of the details of the murder, the audience gasped and clutched their handkerchiefs and at the end swooned in amazement. But when the King of the Czech lands gave his eyewitness account, the audience barely reacted, some even yawning! A Czech prince, full of indignation, demanded of a courtier, Why are the people so bored with my father's speech? The courtier replied, Don't you know? These days you get no interest in a Czech King account.

Why did the comedian go to doctor?

Because the audience gave him the clap

Hispanic Magician

So a Mexican magician stands up in front of his audience and tells them, "Ok hombres, on the count of three, I'm gonna make myself disappear! Uno, dos..." POOF! He disappeared without a tres.

I wrote a dieting book.

I think it will appeal to a wide audience.

I attended a very touching live demonstration on bukkake.

There wasn't a dry eye in the audience.

The first Jewish President is being sworn in

His mother is in the audience, she turns to the man sitting beside her and says "See my son up there? Well, his brother is a doctor!"

Did you hear about the sign language translator at Nelson Mandela's funeral?

Neither did his audience.

A Jewish cook went to the Vatican and insisted on seeing the Pope.

After a long wait the Pope granted him an audience and asked the cook what could he do for him.

The Jew said that he was a cook, before him his father was a cook, his grandfather was a cook, his great grandfather was a cook, and that he comes from a family of cooks that goes back to over 2000 years....

The Pope congratulated him and asked him again, what could he do for him?

The Jew said: "Well, the bill for the last supper has still not been paid.... "

The best days of my life.....

An Inspirational speaker said:
"The best days of my life were the days I spent with another man's wife".
Audience were in shock and silence.
He added: "and she is my mother".
A big round of applause and laughter followed.
One Man who listened to the speech decided to crack this at home.
At dinner, he said to his wife: the best days of my life were the days I spent with another man's wife....
After a moment he tried to recall the second line......
By the time he regained his senses, he was on hospital bed, recovering from burns of hot soup poured by his wife.
MORAL LESSON: Don't copy if you cannot paste.

At my high school graduation I saw a bowl of fruit punch...

So I told a bunch of my friends "I want to make a joke which requires some audience participation."
Then, I proceeded to instruct them to stand, single file, in front of the bowl. Once they had, I told them "Here's the punch line."


This is a completely true story, so I do not regret it.

Why is everyone picking on Jews?

A comedian was going into his favourite joke, "One day, Moskowitz and Finkelstein were going to..." when a heckler from the audience interrupted.

"Moskowitz and Finkelstein! why does it always have to be two Jews? Can't you tell a joke with any other nationalities involved!? Why don't you make them Chinese for a change?"

The comedian rejoined, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend. How about this: One day, Lee Ho and Mao Chen were on their way to the synagogue to attend the bar mitzvah of Lee Ho's nephew..."

An Irish man decides to go on Mastermind....

He's called to the chair.

'Your chosen subject?' asks the presenter.

'Easter Rising of 1916, sir,' he replied.

Time starts now ... What was the date of the Easter Rising of 1916?'

'Pass.'

'Who led the Easter Rising of 1916?'

'Pass.'

'How many men were involved in the Easter Rising of 1916?'

'Pass.'

Suddenly an Irish voice boomed from the studio audience:

'That's right, Paddy - tell them nothing!'

Poetry contest

A redneck and a Harvard graduate are in a poetry contest where they have to come up with a poem that has the word Timbuktu in it. The Harvard graduate goes first.

Amongst the desert sands
Away ride the caravans
Camels leaving, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu

The audience applauds, thinking that the redneck does not have a chance. Then the redneck goes.

Me and Tim a'huntin' went,
Found some whores in a pop up tent.
They was three and we was two
So I bucked one and Timbuktu!

Lethal Food

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"

"You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."


Why did the alcoholic quit his acting career when the audience jeered at him?

He couldn't handle his boos.

The famous psychic

A famous psychic was giving a show.

"How many of you have seen a ghost?" he said to the large audience. Several hands went up.

"Several of you, good. Now, keep your hand up if you've \*touched\* a ghost." All but a few hands go down.

"Ok, now keep your hand up if you've had \*sex\* with a ghost." There's gasps and nervous laughter. Everybody's hands go down, except one.

The psychic is surprised but curious. He runs over. "You sir, stand up. You've actually had \*sex\* with a ghost!"

"Oh! I thought you said goat."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes