Humorous Audience Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life
Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
I never understood school shooting jokes
I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...
The Inauguration of the First Jewish President.
The first Jewish President has just been elected, and is being sworn in. One man in the audience is watching him take the oath, when he realizes he is sitting next to the President's mother.
She turns to him and says,
"You see that man up there, the one with his hand on the book repeating the sentences?"
"Yeah?" He responds
"His brother's a doctor"
[THIS IS A REQUEST; DO NOT UPVOTE] Does anyone have a joke where the audience of the joke says the punchline?
If this isn't the right place for this, kindly redirect me.
I attended a very touching live demonstration on b**....
There wasn't a dry eye in the audience.
Did you hear about the sign language translator at Nelson Mandela's f**...?
Neither did his audience.
The first Jewish President is being sworn in
His mother is in the audience, she turns to the man sitting beside her and says "See my son up there? Well, his brother is a doctor!"
A magician tells his audience that he will disappear on the count of 3.
He says "uno... Dos..." And then vanishes.
He disappeared without a tres.
At my high school graduation I saw a bowl of fruit punch...
So I told a bunch of my friends "I want to make a joke which requires some audience participation."
Then, I proceeded to instruct them to stand, single file, in front of the bowl. Once they had, I told them "Here's the punch line."
This is a completely true story, so I do not regret it.
Beethoven asks his audience: "Is everyone ready to hear some symphonies!?"
The audience cheers as Beethoven exclaims: "I can't hear you!"
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" p**...! The horse disappears.
You can explore audience auditorium reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean audience spectator dad jokes. There are also audience puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Hispanic Magician
So a Mexican magician stands up in front of his audience and tells them, "Ok hombres, on the count of three, I'm gonna make myself disappear! Uno, dos..." p**...! He disappeared without a tres.
Did you hear the one about the Mexican magician?
He told his audience that he'd disappear on the count of 3. He counted "Uno! Dos!"... And disappeared without a tres.
Why did the comedian go to doctor?
Because the audience gave him the clap
A mexican magician told the audience he'll disappear on the count of three. He said "Uno, dos" *p**...*
He disappeared without a tres.
Why do golf commentators speak softly?
To not wake the audience.
So I told my dad a joke about Sandy Hook the other day. He didn't think it was funny
I guess it's aimed at a younger audience.
A Mexican performs a magic trick.
He tells the audience he'll disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then *p**...* … he disappeared without a tres!
I know a hypnotist who could control the whole audience.
He'd enter the room, say 'sleep' and everyone would fall asleep.
He'd say ''laugh'', the audience would burst out laughing.
One day, he entered the room where he would make his show as usual, but tripped in the stairs; and yelled '**...''!
The room took three hours to clean.
What do Abraham Lincoln and an '80s sitcom have in common?
Both were shot before a live audience.
An Irish man decides to go on Mastermind....
He's called to the chair.
'Your chosen subject?' asks the presenter.
'Easter Rising of 1916, sir,' he replied.
Time starts now ... What was the date of the Easter Rising of 1916?'
'Pass.'
'Who led the Easter Rising of 1916?'
'Pass.'
'How many men were involved in the Easter Rising of 1916?'
'Pass.'
Suddenly an Irish voice boomed from the studio audience:
'That's right, p**... - tell them nothing!'
I told my boss that when I get nervous, I like to imagine my audience n**......
... she said I should probably stop teaching the 2nd grade.
Why did the alcoholic quit his acting career when the audience jeered at him?
He couldn't handle his boos.
A Mexican magician tells his audience...
"I will disappear on the count of three."
He counts down.. "Uno... dos..."
And then he disappears, without a tres.
What did the nervous spider say to the audience?
"Forgive me guys, but I've got butterflies in my stomach."
A comedian was getting attacked for his routine being too sexist
So, he replaced the word "women" with "white, rich, republican women". The audience stopped complaining.
I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."
So here goes:
Walk forwards.
Turn left.
Pasteurization.
Lenin in Warsaw
A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called Lenin in Warsaw. Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opens—on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, n**..., having mad s**... with another man. And then another. And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.
Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audience.
First question: Very interesting movie, comrade, but—where was Lenin?
The director answers: In Warsaw.
The Sun Mission
Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night". The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !
Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV. When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"
Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause !!
The comedy industry is ridiculously sexist.
Zach Galifinakis can tell a joke to a full theatre and the audience would love it. If Amy Schumer told the same joke a week later in the same theatre to the same audience, she'd be accused of stealing material
Why do ballerinas dance on their toes?
So they don't wake up the audience!
A magician lost a leg during his performance.
The audience was suprised he could pull it off.
Poetry contest
A r**... and a Harvard graduate are in a poetry contest where they have to come up with a poem that has the word Timbuktu in it. The Harvard graduate goes first.
Amongst the desert sands
Away ride the caravans
Camels leaving, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu
The audience applauds, thinking that the r**... does not have a chance. Then the r**... goes.
Me and Tim a'huntin' went,
Found some w**... in a pop up tent.
They was three and we was two
So I bucked one and Timbuktu!
A Spanish magician tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of 3
He says uno, dos... then p**..., he disappears without a tres
I wrote a dieting book.
I think it will appeal to a wide audience.
A magician says to his audience...
A magician says to his audience "I can make myself appear in 100 different places in this room". He says "3, 2, 1, Abracadabra!" Nothing happens so he tries once again, "3, 2, 1, Abracadabra!" Still nothing happens. Flustered he asks to be excused while he checks his handbook. He closes the book and says " Sorry, I've been saying the wrong magic word, 3, 2, 1, Allahu Akbar!" Needless to say his audience was blown away.
Beethoven to his audience:
Beethoven: Make some noise for the next symphony
Audience: YEAAAAAAAAA!!!
Beethoven: I can't hear you
When I get nervous on stage people say "imagine the audience n**..."
But that just makes it harder for me.
NBC is planning a sitcom about the life of Abe Lincoln.
Shot in front of a live studio audience.
One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you'll be safer if you stand up.
My brother didnt like the school shooting jokes I was making
I think I should aim for a younger audience.
Did you hear about the new Abraham Lincoln sitcom on ABC?
Shot in front of a live studio audience.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, 'Uno, dos… and p**...!
He disappeared without a tres.
I never get any of the school shooting jokes
they must be aimed at a younger audience
I never got school shooter jokes
Guess they're aimed at a younger audience.
A Mexican Magician tells his audience that he will disappear on the count of 3...
He says, Uno, Dos........ *p**...*....... he disappeared without a tres.
I usually dont get school shooting jokes.
Typically they are aimed at a younger audience.
Mind Your Words...
In a packed auditorium, a hypnotist hypnotized the whole audience with a Pendulum.
Suddenly, the Pendulum fell down.
He said "s**..."...
It took 3 Days to clean the whole auditorium...
As a blind comedian, I've been trying to understand my audience.
But who am I kidding?
At a conference a s**... therapist was discussing his book s**... in a Marriage
The therapist asked the audience how many couples have s**... daily about 20% of the audience raised their hands
then he asked how many couples have s**... weekly about 30% raised their hands
then he asked how many couples have s**... monthly the remaining audience raised their hands
Finally he asked how many have s**... yearly o**... in the back stood up smiling his hand stood
the therapist asked why are you so happy if you only have s**... one time a year ?
the guy answered because today's the day
Spanish Magician
A Spanish magician announced to his audience that "he would disappear on the count of three" then said "uno, dos" and then disappeared without a tres.
A contestant made a meringue on Australian Masterchef and the crowd started clapping and cheering.
The host said, "This is very unusual for an Australian audience. They normally Boo meringues!!"
I never get school shooting jokes.
Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.
Why should you always post jokes in American English?
They can reach a wider audience.
An environmentalist was giving a speech and told his audience that if we continue on our present course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years
A member of the audience jumped to his feet and cried out in panic, "What? What did you say?!"
The environmentalist solemnly repeated, "I said if we continue the way we are that every man, woman, and child on earth will be gone in fifty years."
The man sat down in relief and said, "Oh, thank God. I thought you said *fifteen* years."
I'm trying to build interest for my new children's book
It's about a v**... whose tail hurts, and each page after the introduction is a new animal trying to help her heal or deal with the pain. Sadly, every publisher I've contacted has rejected the manuscript outright.
I'm not giving up, though. "For Fox' ache" will find it's audience someday.
Why is it easy to tell jokes in a prison?
You have a captive audience.
Stalin is giving a speech, and someone sneezes.
Stalin looks up from his notes and says, "Who sneezed?" No-one says anything.
Stalin has the first row taken away by KGB to be shot. "Who sneezed?" he asks again. No-one says anything. He has the second row of the audience taken away by the KGB to be shot.
"Comrade Stalin, I sneezed!" Says a man in the third row.
Stalin looks at the man and says; "Bless you."
TIL after his show on Netflix was cancelled, Jon Bernthal was forced to take a job as a doorman in a theatre who would occasionally warm up the audience with dad jokes
He became widely known as the pun usher.
Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii?
Because the audience only responds in a low ha
Gordon Ramsey goes to Australia and makes a lemon meringue pie. The whole audience cheers!
"That's strange," he says, "I thought Australians usually boo meringue."
I'm in prison and decided to start my career here as a standup comic
It helps to have a captive audience
"Do you know why I don't make fat jokes?"
"No. Why?"
"Because they wouldn't be appreciated by the wider audience."
A man tries to find success as an Anti-motivational speaker
"In today's world of toxic positivity, we need more HEALTHY NEGATIVITY! Acknowledge your limitations! Understand your lack of potential! Remember that in this world of many people, you are NOT SPECIAL and EASILY REPLACEABLE!"
An audience member suddenly stood up, tears streaming down his face.
"Is this what it's like to have a Father?"
Do you know why I don't make fat jokes?
Because they wouldn't be appreciated by the wider audience.
Netflix is coming up with a new series about Abraham Lincoln.
The finale…will be shot before a live audience.
Quentin Crisp Quote
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
Professor Stone: "To the geologist a thousand years or so are not counted as any time at all."
Man in the Audience: "Great Scott! And to think I made a temporary loan of two pounds to a man who holds such views."
Source: 1913 newspaper
During a show, a magician asked for a volunteer from the audience and a blonde walked up to the stage.
"Think of a number between 1 and 10," he said.
Silence.
After a moment he cleared his t**....
Nothing.
After another moment he asked the blonde, "Are you ready?"
She started crying and said, "If you keep interrupting me I'll never be able to come up with one!"
Netflix is releasing a new series on the life of Abraham Lincoln.
The finale will be shot before a live audience.
Why was the poet teaching at a prison so happy?
She had a captive audience
