Apparently only DC movies can do that.
I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...
The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it.
A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs.
The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher obliges. The girl says into the microphone, "I think I should get good with the cherry stem before I try anything smaller."
He disappeared without a tres.
The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" POOF! The horse disappears.
...told his audience he'd disappear on the count of three.
He began counting "Uno, dos..."
And he disappeared without a tres.
A Soviet filmmaker makes a film called Lenin in Warsaw. Everybody shows up for the premiere. The film opens—on Lenin's wife, Krupskaya, naked, having mad sex with another man. And then another. And another. And so on. The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes.
Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audience.
First question: Very interesting movie, comrade, but—where was Lenin?
The director answers: In Warsaw.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you'll be safer if you stand up.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic, to which the horse replies, "I don't think I am." POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when any philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of cogito ergo sum, or roughly, "I think, therefore I am."
But to explain that concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
So here goes:
Walk forwards.
Turn left.
Pasteurization.
Shot in front of a live studio audience.
Both were shot before a live audience.
The first Jewish President has just been elected, and is being sworn in. One man in the audience is watching him take the oath, when he realizes he is sitting next to the President's mother.
She turns to him and says,
"You see that man up there, the one with his hand on the book repeating the sentences?"
"Yeah?" He responds
"His brother's a doctor"
Beethoven: Make some noise for the next symphony
Audience: YEAAAAAAAAA!!!
Beethoven: I can't hear you
Every woman in the audience yelled "Booo!"
The speaker said to the crowd, "Obedient little bitches, aren't you?"
The king of Spain lowers his trousers and the audience gasps, then cries "Viva Espana!" The king of France does the same, and his is even bigger. The audience shouts, "Vive La France!" The king of England disrobes, and after a moment of stunned silence, the audience yells, "God save the Queen!"
... she said I should probably stop teaching the 2nd grade.
Circus. The most popular and dangerous trick, guy put his penis in crocodile's mouth, croc shuts his mouth, the guy hits croc on the head, croc opens up his mouth and guy takes his penis unharmed, everybody applaud!
Than guy asks the audience:
if you can do it, I'll pay anybody $1000!!!!
Girl stands up and says:
"I'll do it, just don't hit me on the head!!!!"
"I will disappear on the count of three."
He counts down.. "Uno... dos..."
And then he disappears, without a tres.
A magician says to his audience "I can make myself appear in 100 different places in this room". He says "3, 2, 1, Abracadabra!" Nothing happens so he tries once again, "3, 2, 1, Abracadabra!" Still nothing happens. Flustered he asks to be excused while he checks his handbook. He closes the book and says " Sorry, I've been saying the wrong magic word, 3, 2, 1, Allahu Akbar!" Needless to say his audience was blown away.
So they don't wake up the audience!
In a packed auditorium, a hypnotist hypnotized the whole audience with a Pendulum.
Suddenly, the Pendulum fell down. He said "SHIT"...
It took 3 Days to clean the auditorium..
The audience was suprised he could pull it off.
The audience cheers as Beethoven exclaims: "I can't hear you!"
He tells the audience he'll disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then *poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
He'd enter the room, say 'sleep' and everyone would fall asleep.
He'd say ''laugh'', the audience would burst out laughing.
One day, he entered the room where he would make his show as usual, but tripped in the stairs; and yelled ''shit''!
The room took three hours to clean.
To not wake the audience.
"Forgive me guys, but I've got butterflies in my stomach."
They disappeared without a tres.
"Uno, Dos..." *poof*
He disappeared without a tres
Then he takes a hammer, hammers on the crocodile's head and pulls out his penis. "*Does anybody else want to try this?*", he asks the audience. An old woman raises her hand and says: "*I'd like to try, but don't hit me too hard.*"
In ASDA, whilst packing shopping into the car, you may be approached by 2 fit 18 year old Eastern European girls in tight, tiny tops. They wash your screen with their tits up against the window and ask for a lift to the next ASDA as payment. On the way they will strip down and perform oral sex on each other. One will then climb into the front and suck you off while the other attempts to steal your wallet! I had mine stolen last Thursday Friday, Saturday, Twice on Sunday and once again today so BE CAREFUL!
P.S. - You can buy wallets for 99p at Poundstretchers.
So, he replaced the word "women" with "white, rich, republican women". The audience stopped complaining.
He's very good, and writes all his own material. But he gives all his songs dirty names. At the end of every song he tells his audience the songs name, which management doesn't like. They tell him, "We love having you hear, but you have to stop calling out the song names". The piano player is cool with it, and everyone profits. One night, the piano player gets up and goes to the bathroom. When he comes back the entire restaurant goes into a hush. A man walks up to the piano player and says, "Sir, do you know your penis is hanging out of your pants?". The piano player replies with, "Know it, I wrote it!"
The prize was one million bucks locked inside and the door had to be opened in a 30 second time period when the lights are off. A team from France starts. 30 seconds pass, the lights go on, but they barely have their tools out, the audience is dissapointed. The Germans are next. 30 seconds pass, the lights go on and the Germans are nearly done cracking the door mechanism, but not quite. The audience is impressed. Finally a Polish team has its go. 30 seconds pass, but the lights don't go on. Suddenly there's a voice in the dark:
"Stefan, we're rich, the fuck do you need those lightbulbs for?"
He says uno, dos... then POOF, he disappears without a tres
Because he broke a G string while fingering a minor
Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night". The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !
Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV. When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"
Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause !!
At a U2 concert in Glasglow Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet...
"Well, fucking stop doing it , Ya evil bastard!"
If this isn't the right place for this, kindly redirect me.
Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!
A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"
There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.
Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night".
The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !
Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV.
When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"
Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause !!
He told his audience that he'd disappear on the count of 3. He counted "Uno! Dos!"... And disappeared without a tres.
Beethoven: "Are you ready for for my greatest piece?!"
Audience: "Yeah!"
Beethoven: "I can't hear you!"
Audience: "YEAH!"
Beethoven: "I can't hear you!"
Audience: "YE- oh fuck, that's right..."
Zach Galifinakis can tell a joke to a full theatre and the audience would love it. If Amy Schumer told the same joke a week later in the same theatre to the same audience, she'd be accused of stealing material
He disappeared without a tres.
There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.
He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!''
The magician chased the bird away.
The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!''
The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.
The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.
They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?''
A catholic priest had served the church for over sixty years and finally decided that he was too old to continue the priesthood. He was giving a speech to the congregation.
"I remember when I first became a priest," he said. "I was terrified. I had never done public speaking before such a large audience before, and I was afraid I would mess up. To make matters worse, my first confession was terrible. Adultery, theft, gambling, tax fraud- luckily, it wasn't all like that."
The priest finishes his speech and sits down. Just then, the mayor walks in the door to give a closing to the ceremony.
"Sorry I'm late," he said. "The traffic was terrible. Our priest here will be dearly missed. I remember when he first became a priest. In fact, I was his first confession!"
But that just makes it harder for me.
In the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands. Once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
From the front of the crowd, a broad Scottish accent pierced the silence: "Well fuckin' stop doin' it then ya evil bastard!"
Young woman in audience at jail where husband is held. "Mr. Officer, I am here to kindly ask you to give my husband an easier job" " He's sticking labels on cans, it's not too hard, is it? " Son of a bitch , he told me he's digging a tunnel !"
So one day, during a performance, he asked that anyone from the audience come on to the stage. A blond girl walked up. He asked her, "Can you tell us a joke?". The blond girl was well aware that the comedian was trying to pull some prank. She had decided that, no matter what, she would not fall for any of his tricks. So she took the mike from him, and proudly announced to the audience: "I'm not stupid!".
It took a whole minute for the uproar of laughter to settle.
I guess it's aimed at a younger audience.
He says "uno... Dos..." And then vanishes.
He disappeared without a tres.
The speaker is interested in the supernatural experiences that the audience members may have been through. "Raise your hand if you have ever seen a ghost" About 80% of the audience raises their hand. "Great" says the speaker "now keep your hand raised if you have spoken to a ghost" Half of them lower their hands. "Ok this is good, now has anyone here had any actual physical contact with a ghost"? Only about ten people still have their hands raised, the excitement of the speaker is palpable "Now, has anyone here ever made love to a ghost"? All hands go down, except for one guy right up the back of the auditorium. "WOW that is amazing sir, please could you come up on to the stage". The man slowly makes his way to the stage, slightly nervous about the attention he is getting. "Sir could you please tell us what that experience was like, to make love to a ghost"? The man edges closer to the microphone and says "ghost? I'm sorry I thought you said GOAT"!
and in the middle of his speech, someone in the audience sneezed. Stalin abruptly stopped talking and asked who sneezed? But everyone was too terrified of the consequences to admit it. Stalin makes the first row of people stand up, and asks again, who sneezed? No on admits to being the one to cause this interruption. Stalin has the entire first row executed on the spot. He tells the second row to get on their feet and asks the same question. Again, no one is willing to admit fault or even tattle on their fellow comrade. Stalin has the second row executed. He then asks the third row to stand. Finally, a man comes forward and admits guilt. Stalin says "bless you" and continues on with his speech.
...in one of his finest suits the hope that when he visits the Vatican, he can be granted an audience with the Holy Father. During one of the Papal processions, he manages to make his way to the front of the barrier as the Pontiff walks past them. Instead, the Pope completely blanks the man, and stops several metres after him and stoops down to talk to an old and ragged-looking homeless person. The wealthy man is insanely jealous, and later finds the homeless person that the Pope had talked to and offers him his own fine suit as well as €2000, in exchange for the hobo's rags, to which the man greatly obliges.
The next day, the man positions himself in his "new" hobo clothing in roughly the same spot the original man was in the previous day. And sure enough, as the Pope came down the procession, he stopped by the homeless man, bent down and whispered in his ear:
"I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday"
The seven dwarfs go to the vatican and the pope gives them an audience. "Any questions?' Asks the Pope. After being nudged by the others, Dopey reluctantly raises his hands.
"Yes, Dopey?" the pope asks kindly
"Your holiness, are there any nuns in Alaska?"
"Of course there are"
Dopey says thanks, but the other dwarves keep gauding him to ask another question.
"Your holiness," says Dopey, "are there any black nuns in Alaska?"
"Er, I can't say for sure," says the pope, "But I can't see why not..."
The other dwarves carry on nudging Dopey so Dopey raises his
hand once more, "Your holiness, are there any black midget nuns in Alaska?"
The pope a little exasperated at this point, says, "You know what Dopey? I don't think there are any black midget nuns in Alaska."
The other six dwarks fall about laughing screeching: "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!!".
Tomorrow I'm conducting a charity benefit for a large state wide deaf education foundation. I'll be in front of ~500 people talking. I Want at least one slightly edgy jokes that would cater to this sort of rich (and largely deaf) audience.
"Once upon a time, Three Little Pigs walk into a bar. The first pig orders 10 beers, downs them, and then asks for the bathroom. The second pig orders 15 beers, downs them, and asks for the bathroom. The third pig orders 20 beers, downs them, and then sits there eating peanuts.
"Aren't you going to ask for the bathroom?" asks the bartender.
"Nope. I'm the pig who goes wee-wee-wee all the way home.""
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
I think I should aim for a younger audience.
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude was never invited back....
Because the audience gave him the clap
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Audience? Well, here are the best Audience puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Audience pick up lines to share with friends.