Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Audience? Well here is a complete list of Audience dad jokes:
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...
The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" POOF! The horse disappears.
...told his audience he'd disappear on the count of three.
He began counting "Uno, dos..."
And he disappeared without a tres.
Kate Upton goes first, she gets up on stage and undoes her blouse and starts shaking her tits up, down, and in all directions, the audience which consists of mostly men start cheering and going crazy, Kate Middleton then gets up on stage, sets a chair up, takes a seat and starts douching, the audience start looking away in disgust.
When the Announcement of the winner is made, its revealed that Kate Middleton was the winner, shocked Kate Upton asks how in the world did she not win, in which she learned that a Royal Flush beats 2 of a kind
...and his dummy were getting big laughs with their repertoire of blonde jokes.
Midway through the act, a blonde woman in the audience stood up and yelled, "This is offensive! Is it right to stereotype people by their race? No! Is it right to stereotype people by their religion? No! So why is it okay to stereotype women by their hair color? I'm a blonde, and I'M not stupid!"
"I'm sorry, Miss," said the ventriloquist. "I certainly didn't mean any offense."
"You stay out of this, buddy," said the blonde. "I'm talking to that little smartass on your knee!"
The first Jewish President has just been elected, and is being sworn in. One man in the audience is watching him take the oath, when he realizes he is sitting next to the President's mother.
She turns to him and says,
"You see that man up there, the one with his hand on the book repeating the sentences?"
"Yeah?" He responds
"His brother's a doctor"
The king of Spain lowers his trousers and the audience gasps, then cries "Viva Espana!" The king of France does the same, and his is even bigger. The audience shouts, "Vive La France!" The king of England disrobes, and after a moment of stunned silence, the audience yells, "God save the Queen!"
Circus. The most popular and dangerous trick, guy put his penis in crocodile's mouth, croc shuts his mouth, the guy hits croc on the head, croc opens up his mouth and guy takes his penis unharmed, everybody applaud!
Than guy asks the audience:
if you can do it, I'll pay anybody $1000!!!!
Girl stands up and says:
"I'll do it, just don't hit me on the head!!!!"
The audience cheers as Beethoven exclaims: "I can't hear you!"
A professor at the University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks them, "How many folk here believe in ghosts?"
About 80 students raise their hands.
"That's a good start," says the professor, "For those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"Brilliant. But let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever been intimate with a ghost?"
One of his students from a Redneck state raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed that.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have made love to a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Dang it... I thought you said 'goats.'
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.
The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'
"Uno, Dos..." *poof*
He disappeared without a tres
Then he takes a hammer, hammers on the crocodile's head and pulls out his penis. "*Does anybody else want to try this?*", he asks the audience. An old woman raises her hand and says: "*I'd like to try, but don't hit me too hard.*"
They must be aimed at a younger audience
He's very good, and writes all his own material. But he gives all his songs dirty names. At the end of every song he tells his audience the songs name, which management doesn't like. They tell him, "We love having you hear, but you have to stop calling out the song names". The piano player is cool with it, and everyone profits. One night, the piano player gets up and goes to the bathroom. When he comes back the entire restaurant goes into a hush. A man walks up to the piano player and says, "Sir, do you know your penis is hanging out of your pants?". The piano player replies with, "Know it, I wrote it!"
At a U2 concert in Glasglow Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet...
"Well, fucking stop doing it , Ya evil bastard!"
If this isn't the right place for this, kindly redirect me.
Young woman in audience at jail where husband is held. "Mr. Officer, I am here to kindly ask you to give my husband an easier job" " He's sticking labels on cans, it's not too hard, is it? " Son of a bitch , he told me he's digging a tunnel !"
He says "uno... Dos..." And then vanishes.
He disappeared without a tres.
and in the middle of his speech, someone in the audience sneezed. Stalin abruptly stopped talking and asked who sneezed? But everyone was too terrified of the consequences to admit it. Stalin makes the first row of people stand up, and asks again, who sneezed? No on admits to being the one to cause this interruption. Stalin has the entire first row executed on the spot. He tells the second row to get on their feet and asks the same question. Again, no one is willing to admit fault or even tattle on their fellow comrade. Stalin has the second row executed. He then asks the third row to stand. Finally, a man comes forward and admits guilt. Stalin says "bless you" and continues on with his speech.
...in one of his finest suits the hope that when he visits the Vatican, he can be granted an audience with the Holy Father. During one of the Papal processions, he manages to make his way to the front of the barrier as the Pontiff walks past them. Instead, the Pope completely blanks the man, and stops several metres after him and stoops down to talk to an old and ragged-looking homeless person. The wealthy man is insanely jealous, and later finds the homeless person that the Pope had talked to and offers him his own fine suit as well as €2000, in exchange for the hobo's rags, to which the man greatly obliges.
The next day, the man positions himself in his "new" hobo clothing in roughly the same spot the original man was in the previous day. And sure enough, as the Pope came down the procession, he stopped by the homeless man, bent down and whispered in his ear:
"I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday"
The seven dwarfs go to the vatican and the pope gives them an audience. "Any questions?' Asks the Pope. After being nudged by the others, Dopey reluctantly raises his hands.
"Yes, Dopey?" the pope asks kindly
"Your holiness, are there any nuns in Alaska?"
"Of course there are"
Dopey says thanks, but the other dwarves keep gauding him to ask another question.
"Your holiness," says Dopey, "are there any black nuns in Alaska?"
"Er, I can't say for sure," says the pope, "But I can't see why not..."
The other dwarves carry on nudging Dopey so Dopey raises his
hand once more, "Your holiness, are there any black midget nuns in Alaska?"
The pope a little exasperated at this point, says, "You know what Dopey? I don't think there are any black midget nuns in Alaska."
The other six dwarks fall about laughing screeching: "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!!".
Tomorrow I'm conducting a charity benefit for a large state wide deaf education foundation. I'll be in front of ~500 people talking. I Want at least one slightly edgy jokes that would cater to this sort of rich (and largely deaf) audience.
"Once upon a time, Three Little Pigs walk into a bar. The first pig orders 10 beers, downs them, and then asks for the bathroom. The second pig orders 15 beers, downs them, and asks for the bathroom. The third pig orders 20 beers, downs them, and then sits there eating peanuts.
"Aren't you going to ask for the bathroom?" asks the bartender.
"Nope. I'm the pig who goes wee-wee-wee all the way home.""
There wasn't a dry eye in the audience.
His mother is in the audience, she turns to the man sitting beside her and says "See my son up there? Well, his brother is a doctor!"
Neither did his audience.
There's a magician and a parrot on a cruise ship as part of the nightly entertainment.
Every night, the parrot ruins the magician's tricks by revealing to the audience how they were done. For example, if the magician correctly guesses the card a volunteer is holding, the parrot shouts:
"They're all the same card! They're all the same card!"
If the magician stunningly pulls a rabbit out of his hat, the parrot exclaims:
"There's a trap door in the hat! There's a trap door in the hat!"
One night, the cruise ship sinks. Luckily, the magician and the parrot are able to make their way onto a piece of floating debris.
For the next three days, they say absolutely nothing to each other. Then, on the fourth day, the parrot looks the magician right in the eyes and says:
"Alright, I give up. How the hell did you make the ship disappear?"
So I told a bunch of my friends "I want to make a joke which requires some audience participation."
Then, I proceeded to instruct them to stand, single file, in front of the bowl. Once they had, I told them "Here's the punch line."
This is a completely true story, so I do not regret it.
Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands. Once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
From the front of the crowd, a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet: "Well fuckin' stop doin' it then ya evil bastard!"
Uno...dos...*poof*
He disappeared without a tres
I did a gig recently where I got booed off stage for saying that I live at home with my parents. As soon as I said it the whole audience starts shouting: Booooo! That's the last time I do a charity gig for an orphanage
stopped 'cause the audience wasn't feelin' it and I couldn't see the point.
It's nice to have a captive audience.
I recently did a gig where I got booed off stage for saying that I live at home with my parents. As soon as I said it the whole audience went: Booooo! That's the last time I do a charity gig for an orphanage.
-Nathen Canton
in the USSR a big assembly was held and members of the communist party were giving speeches to the general public. The highest ranking official was making his speech and he proclaimed "soon we will live even better!". This was followed by a voice from the audience "and what about us?!"
Just kidding. It was their fans throwing shit at them because everyone hates Nickleback even their fans.
A magician is winding down to the end of a performance, and in preparation for his final trick, he asks for a volunteer from the audience. A man comes up, and the magician says, "Okay, now I'm going to lay my head down on this block, and when I say 'abra-cadabra', I want you to smack the side of my head with this sledgehammer." The magician kneels carefully, positions his head on the block, and says, "Abra-cadabra!" And the guy from the audience winds up and smacks him on the side of the head with the hammer. The magician crumples to the stage, unconscious, and goes into a deep coma.
Ten years later, he wakes up in the hospital, looks at the nurse, and says, "TA - DAA!!!"
and it was his lifelong dream to make the pope laugh with one of his jokes.
It's not easy to get an audience with the pope, but the man becomes successful and his admiration for the pope becomes known, and eventually he does it. He get's an audience.
He's so excited. He kisses the ring and everything and then decides to go right for his best joke. "Ok, your holiness... See, there was this Polish guy and--"
John Paul II cut him off there, and gently says, "Son, you must know. I'm Polish."
The man is horrified and embarrassed and stutters out apologies.
The pope is very gracious and just tells him to start again.
So the comedian takes a deep breath and slowly says, "Okay... There... Was... This... Polish... Guy..."
The audience wasn't too enthralled with a play on words.
I really want to come up with a play on words but I don't know how it will do in front of an audience.
Suddenly, an audience member stands up and shouts "I'm sure everyone will agree that i could replace you!"
He orders a beer and sits down right in the front row to watch the piano player perform, and is surprised to see a monkey onstage, collecting tips from the audience. The piano player does a bunch of old drinking songs and well-known classics and a bunch of requests, the monkey collects a fat wad of tips and they are both simply fantastic.
Finally, the player takes 5 and walks backstage. The monkey continues collecting tips, but when he reaches the man in the front row, the monkey climbs onto his table and takes a very long piss, right in his beer. Finished, the monkey hops off the table and back onstage just as the piano player is coming back for his encore.
The man stands up and yells, "Hey! Do you know your monkey just took a piss in my beer??"
The piano player says, "No, but if you sing a few bars I'll give it a shot!"
A man goes to a casting show for talents with his dog.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I present: Gizmo the magic dog! I ask him a question and he answers it correct!"
The jury laughed, but he asked:"Gizmo, what is on top of this house?"
"Roof! Roof!", Gizmo said. The audience went quiet.
"Gizmo, what can sink ships?"
"Reef! Reef!", the dog said. One from the jury asked:"Is this a joke? This dog is just barking!"
"Wait! One last question! Gizmo, name one famous composer!"
"Orff! Orff!", Gizmo said.
Man and dog were thrown out of the building. On the street, Gizmo looked up to his owner and said:"I know, Frank. I should have said Mozart..."
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in New York..
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
"Wedding Cake."
Might I say that the Audience were Captivated.
The Pope needed his advice, apparently Pete was the only man on earth that could get one million people, at the same time, to stand up and say "JESUS CHRIST"
Talk about a target audience.
Coming up with Zelda jokes can be difucult, but you shouldn't try to force it.
You've red some of the best audience jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about audience. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty audience gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !
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