Auction Up Jokes
84 auction up jokes and hilarious auction up puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about auction up that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Auction Up Short Jokes
Short auction up jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The auction up humour may include short auction jokes also.
- One of shakespeare's original pencils is going up for auction Problem is its very chewed, so nobody can tell if its 2b or not 2b
- A Farmer and his cows A farmer counted his Cows before taking them to auction and counted 196 of them. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
- My wife says I'm addicted to auctions, but she's wrong... I stopped after going once…going twice…
- So a French ww2 rifle came up for sale at an auction, the description read... French rifle, never used, dropped once.
- Earliest-known Ten Commandments tablet sells at auction for $850000 Bumping Apple off the top spot for most expensive mobile device without a headphone jack.
- You know you're getting old when when you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you.
Happy Cake Day to me! - I saw some things at the auction labeled Art Objects" Considering what they looked like, I'd object, too
- We really shouldn't be surprised that NASCAR banned the Confederate flag and is participating in charity auctions for pride month They've been going left for years
- What do you call a man working at a stable auction at the end of the day? A hoarse whisperer.
- How can you tell that you're getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!
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Auction Up One Liners
Which auction up one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with auction up? I can suggest the ones about bidding and honeymoon up.
- What did the deaf person think when he won the auction? I've won, but at what cost?
- Our local auctioneer has passed away. He was somewhere around 30? 35? 35? 40.
- I was hooked on auctions after only going once ... ...going twice…
- I got addicted to auctions after only going once. Going twice...
- What do you have to know to be an auctioneer? Lots
- What does a deaf person say after winning an auction? "I've won... but at what cost?"
- I've had enough of my girlfriend's obsession with auctions. So I bid her farewell.
- I mind controlled a guy to get me something at an auction Now he does my bidding
- A deaf man wins an auction "I've won......but at what cost?"
- What does one auctioneer say to the other at the end of the day? "I bid you fair well"
- What do you call 5 black guys on a stage? An auction
- What was missing in the Million Man March? A chain and an auctioneer.
- How do you make a black nervous? Take him to an auction.
- Chuck Norris doesn't even have to bid in an auction to win it.
- Why do auctioneers say "Going once... Going twice..."? More-bid curiousity.
Auction Up Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about auction up you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean unicorn up jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make auction up pranks.
Ronnie goes to the auction.
He notices a parrot that was on auction.
Ronnie decides to bid for it and so Ronnie starts off with 50 Dollars.
Auctioneer: 50 Dollars
Voice: 100 Dollars
Ronnie: 200 Dollars
Voice: 300 Dollars
Ronnie: 400 Dollars
Voice: 750 Dollars
Ronnie: 800 Dollars
Auctioneer 800 going once, twice and the parrot is sold.
Ronnie to the Auctioneer "I hope this Parrot can speak as I have spent a lot of money on it."
Auctioneer Laughing: "Who do you think was Bidding against you.
A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary.
A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.
The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, “Hippocrates, come!”
Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff.
Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones.
He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton.
The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts.
The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, “Sliderule, come!”
Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff.
The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal.
The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie.
The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called “b**..., come!”
b**... entered and was told to do his stuff.
b**... immediately sodomised the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.
Q: How do you fit 10 Amish in a VW Beetle?
A:Tell them you are going to the livestock auction
A city boy was getting ready to move to the country...
He went a local horse breeder and bought a fine looking horse for a $1000 and told the man he'd be back in a week when he moved in to pick it up.
A week later the city boy drives his brand new truck and horse trailer to the breeder's ranch to pick up the horse.
The rancher says, "Sorry mister, the horse you bought died just yesterday."
The city man thinks about this for a moment and says, "Okay, load it up in the trailer."
"The dead horse?" the rancher asks. "Yep" says the city man.
A month later the rancher sees the city man at the local feed mart and says, "Say, what did you do with that dead horse?".
"I auctioned it off for $5 a ticket. I sold 500 tickets and made $2500 and bought myself an even better horse!" says the man. The rancher says "But what did you do after the drawing?"
"Well, I told the winner that the horse had died and I gave him his $5 back."
What do rodents with an inclination towards mathematics use for their auctioning needs?
thepiratebay
How do you scare a black man?
Take him to an auction.
w**... Nelson's braids sold at auction for $37,000.
The winning bidder can't wait to smoke them.
Why couldn't the auction house find any buyers for the Celtic artifact?
It was completely runed.
What did Oliver Twist say at the s**... auction?
Please sir, I want some moors.
I'm stuck at an auction, bidding for a house with a lengthy corridor.
I'm in it for the long hall.
A vintage coin only sells for .02 cents at an auction
Needless to say, he felt under appreciated.
A farmer decided to sell all of his chickens to the highest bidder...
It was poultry in auction
How do you get ranchers to quickly react to offerings at a livestock auction?
A cattle-list
A lady went to an auction...
And was smitten by a beautiful parrot for sale and decided that she must own this gorgeous bird! When the bird came up for sale, the auctioneer asked, "How much am I bid for this parrot?" and the lady bid with "Seven hundred dollars". "Eight hundred!" "Eighty hundred fifty!" "Nine hundred fifty!" go the next several bids, and the lady bid "One thousand dollars!" Bidding goes on this way for several minutes until she found herself the proud owner of an parrot for $1500.
She approached the auctioneer and asked him "Can the bird talk?" to which the auctioneer replied "Lady, who do you think was bidding against you?"
What's a good place for legal h**... auctions?
Ebae
On a hunch, I tried looking for the m**... at the corpse auction.
As soon as the auctioneer started it was a dead giveaway.
After several hours, I won a stressful auction for a wigwam and a teepee
It was just two tents.
I'll never buy something at a police auction again
Too expensive
A prominent art collector quits the Cabinet immediately after his confirmation
He had stumbled into the wrong auction
Get s**... Before an Auction
Even if you don't win anything, you'll still be the highest bidder!
The sheriff's department auctioned off a bankrupt crematorium yesterday.
I was surprised there wasn't morbid, but it's a tough way to urn a living.
I always make sure I get s**... before I go to an auction.
That way even if I don't win anything, I'm always the highest bidder.
"The other day I came across an old worn out Bible, printed by Guten-something"
"Not Gutenberg?!"
"Yeah, that was it"
"You idiot, one of those sold at auction recently for over a Million dollars!!"
"Oh, I don't think it would be worth anything that much. Some clown by the name of Martin Luther scribbled all over it"
I snorted coke and m**..., smoked four blunts, and injected h**... today...
...and this guy at the auction house is STILL saying im not the highest bidder.
h**...'s boxers fetch 5000$ in an auction.
Afterall, it was his first gas chamber.
Auctioneers fight over a bike.
What do you call an i**... Italian immigrant?
an imPASTA!
I was at an auction that tried to pass off a guitar as the one Prince wrote Purple Rain on.
You could tell it was fake because Prince puts stars over his i's.
A man brings his black friend to a s**... auction
After a while, he asks him:
"So what do you think?"
His friend replies:
"Well, I'm sold."
I get too excited at "Toy Story" auctions
I always leave with a w**...
Why didn't the spoiled auctioneer help anyone with their auctions?
Because he refused to do anyone's bidding!
Little Johnny, The UPS Guy, And Johnny's Mom
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and r**..., and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
Why do black people hate the world fairs?
To be honest I don't know. Iam too busy enjoying the cotton candy , cruises , and auctions!
Why did Snoop Dog win the auction?
He was the highest bidder.
I value my kids more than anything else in my life.
You wouldn't believe how much they went for at the auction.
What does a k**... member do when his kids get a sunburn?
He is auctioning them off.
One day a man went to an auction.
While
there, he bid on a parrot.
He really wanted this bird, so he got caught
up in the bidding.
He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so
he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intend-
ed, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to
the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can
talk.
I would hate to have paid this much for it, only
to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer. "He can
talk.
Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
A plague bearer walks into an auction house during winter.
Everyone nears him now has a chance of catching the cold-bid 19 virus.
Seller: 500$ for this parrot
Guy: 500$ HERE.
Voice in background: 1000$ HE-RE.
Seller: 1000$ going 1st..
Guy: 1100$ HERE.
Voice in background: 5000$ HE-RE.
Seller: 5000$ going twice....
Guy: 5100$ HERE.
Voice in background: 25.000 HE-RE.
Guy: 25.100 HERE.
Seller: Sold!!
Guy: I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out he can't talk!!!
Auctioneer: Dont worry he can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?
My local auctioneer passed away due to excessive diarrhoea.
I think he was going once... going twice...gone
I always make sure to get totally s**... before going to auctions, so even if I don't snag anything...
...I'm always the highest bidder...
The bidding was proceeding furiously when the Head Auctioneer suddenly announced, A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing ten thousand dollars.
If returned, he has agreed to pay a reward of two thousand dollars!
There was a moment's silence in the auction house and from the back of the room came a shout, Two thousand five hundred!
Bidding at a local auction.....
Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."
There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"
A collector of rare books ran into a friend who told him he had just thrown out an old Bible that he had found in a dusty old box.
The collector's friend mentioned that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed the Bible.
"You don't mean Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"You fool! You've thrown out one of the first books ever printed! A copy was recently auctioned off for hundreds of thousands of dollars!"
"Oh, I doubt this book would be worth even nearly as much. Some dude named Martin Luther scribbled all over the margins."