Auction Jokes

Following is our collection of buy humor and seller one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Auction puns for adults, dirty bushel jokes or clean auctioneer gags for kids.

There is an abundance of bid jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 29 funniest jokes on auction. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any sale witze you can hear about auction.

The Best jokes about Auction

What did the deaf person think when he won the auction?

I've won, but at what cost?

Get Stoned Before an Auction

Even if you don't win anything, you'll still be the highest bidder!

A Farmer and his cows

A farmer counted his Cows before taking them to auction and counted 196 of them. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

"The other day I came across an old worn out Bible, printed by Guten-something"

"Not Gutenberg?!"

"Yeah, that was it"

"You idiot, one of those sold at auction recently for over a Million dollars!!"

"Oh, I don't think it would be worth anything that much. Some clown by the name of Martin Luther scribbled all over it"

A lady went to an auction...

And was smitten by a beautiful parrot for sale and decided that she must own this gorgeous bird! When the bird came up for sale, the auctioneer asked, "How much am I bid for this parrot?" and the lady bid with "Seven hundred dollars". "Eight hundred!" "Eighty hundred fifty!" "Nine hundred fifty!" go the next several bids, and the lady bid "One thousand dollars!" Bidding goes on this way for several minutes until she found herself the proud owner of an parrot for $1500.

She approached the auctioneer and asked him "Can the bird talk?" to which the auctioneer replied "Lady, who do you think was bidding against you?"


A man brings his black friend to a slave auction

After a while, he asks him:

"So what do you think?"

His friend replies:

"Well, I'm sold."

So a French WW2 rifle came up for sale at an auction, the description read...

French rifle, never used, dropped once.

What do you have to know to be an auctioneer?

Lots

I always make sure I get stoned before I go to an auction.

That way even if I don't win anything, I'm always the highest bidder.

Parrot Joke

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry", said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Earliest-known Ten Commandments tablet sells at auction for $850000

Bumping Apple off the top spot for most expensive mobile device without a headphone jack.


You know you're getting old when

when you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you.

Happy Cake Day to me!

Little Johnny, The UPS Guy, And Johnny's Mom

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

I snorted coke and meth, smoked four blunts, and injected heroin today...

...and this guy at the auction house is STILL saying im not the highest bidder.

I saw some things at the auction labeled Art Objects"

Considering what they looked like, I'd object, too

I mind controlled a guy to get me something at an auction

Now he does my bidding

What do you call a man working at a stable auction at the end of the day?

A hoarse whisperer.

I value my kids more than anything else in my life.

You wouldn't believe how much they went for at the auction.

On a hunch, I tried looking for the murderer at the corpse auction.

As soon as the auctioneer started it was a dead giveaway.


One day a man went to an auction.

While
there, he bid on a parrot.
He really wanted this bird, so he got caught
up in the bidding.
He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so
he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intend-
ed, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to
the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can
talk.
I would hate to have paid this much for it, only
to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer. "He can
talk.
Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

A farmer decided to sell all of his chickens to the highest bidder...

It was poultry in auction

A plague bearer walks into an auction house during winter.

Everyone nears him now has a chance of catching the cold-bid 19 virus.

A deaf man wins an auction

"I've won......but at what cost?"

A prominent art collector quits the Cabinet immediately after his confirmation

He had stumbled into the wrong auction

What does one auctioneer say to the other at the end of the day?

"I bid you fair well"

What do you call 5 black guys on a stage?

An auction

How do you get ranchers to quickly react to offerings at a livestock auction?

A cattle-list

I was at an auction that tried to pass off a guitar as the one Prince wrote Purple Rain on.

You could tell it was fake because Prince puts stars over his i's.

Why do auctioneers say "Going once... Going twice..."?

More-bid curiousity.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes