Attractive Jokes
121 attractive jokes and hilarious attractive puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about attractive that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Attractive Short Jokes
Short attractive jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The attractive humour may include short attracted jokes also.
- If i had $1 for every girl that didn't find me attractive.. .. they would eventually find me attractive
- What do you call the sexuality where you're attracted to men and women but neither are attracted to you? Bi-yourself.
- My girlfriends parents are very religious. The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.
- What do women put on their ear to look more attractive?... Their knees.
(Not sure if this one translates well to english) - A man meets an attractive woman in a bar and tells her, You know, I'm a lawyer. Honest? the woman asks.
No, no. Just the regular kind, he replied. - An very attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night. And brought it to a table of friends.
- In order to attract women I like to use this quote from shakespeare's Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82. "Hello."
- If I had a Dollar for every time a woman told me I was unattractive they'd eventually find me attractive.
- My girlfriend got a boob job, but I don't know how to break it to her that I find it makes her less attractive Traditionally women tend to get both done
- People shouldn't be shamed for their kinks. Me, I get really turned on when someone smells like musty sweat and coal. But I always get called a monster when I admit to being attracted to miners.
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Attractive One Liners
Which attractive one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with attractive? I can suggest the ones about fashionable and enjoyable.
- I could never cheat in a relationship That would require 2 people to find me attractive
- Do you know why programers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs.
- I'm never going to find a soul mate. I really only find redheads attractive.
- The one thing that all women find attractive ...a man who doesn't fall for clickbait
- How does a male farmer win the heart of a female farmer? Attract her.
- The more you weigh, the more attractive you are. Gravitationally speaking.
- How do attractive men pay for things? They handsome money to the cashier
- If you're trying to meet an attractive nurse It helps to be patient.
- What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress? Magnets
- What do you call an attraction to both genders but a preference for one? A bi-as
- Who is the most attractive person in the world ? Magneto
- Your mom is very attractive... ...mainly due to her massive gravitational pull.
- The most attractive part of Amy Schumer is.... Her Gravitational pull.
- What makes an elderly millionaire bachelor more attractive? Terminal illness.
- what do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders Biking
Physically Attractive Jokes
Here is a list of funny physically attractive jokes and even better physically attractive puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Women are the only physical entity that defy the laws of gravitation. Increase in mass does not lead to an increase in the orce of attraction.
Silly & Ridiculous Attractive Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about attractive you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean impressive jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make attractive pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.
His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old g**... like you. How did you pull it off?"
"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."
"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.
"There is no way she could believe you were 40". John shakes his head again.
"So how old did you tell her you were exactly??"
John smiles and says "85".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man comes home from work...
A man comes home from work and he finds his wife furious at him.
She screams "Why did you sleep with my sister while you were at work!?"
He replies "Well she was lying on the table, n**..., and you know she's an attractive woman, so what did you expect me to do?"
"Perform the autopsy."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How did the r**... find his sister in the wood?
Attractive.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did microsoft say to the attractive girl in the room?
Can I c**... at your place tonight?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.
I said, Don't cry over skilled m**....
How to approach an attractive woman in Ireland.
Here's a guide for any Americans guys visiting Ireland.
The best way to chat up an attractive looking woman in Ireland is to ask her: So, what part of Poland are you from? .
If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me unattractive
They'd soon find me attractive
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On the bus today, I saw an attractive young woman breastfeeding
Suddenly an old woman started shouting, "you shouldn't be doing that in public, that's disgusting!!!".
A part of me wanted to scold the old woman, but another part of me thinks...
"Maybe I shouldn't have been m**... on a bus..."
The Wisdom of an Older Man
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a pretty woman, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''
A man walks into a Bar.
A man walks into a bar and sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself and asks, May I buy you a cocktail?
"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."
"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
"No, they spread."
If I had a nickel for every time a girl didn't find me attractive...
Girls would find me attractive
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My mate told me yesterday that he's started dating twins!
I asked how he could tell which one is which.
He said, 'Well, Andrea is really, really attractive - she has long blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes and plump red lips. Plus she's got a really nice body. Pretty much a perfect ten.
And Brian has a c**....'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An attractive waitress approaches a table of two men and asks them what they would like to order.
How about a q**...? asks the one man. She immediately throws his water in his face and storms off to call the manager.
His friend leans across the table and says, Dude, it's pronounced quiche .
A girl from Alabama asked me if I found her attractive.
I said, "You've got a face only a brother could love."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you make 10 pounds of ugly fat attractive?
Put a n**... on it.
If I had a dollar for every time a girl told me I was unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
ba dum tsss
People often rank a person's attractiveness out of ten, but what is considered a ten in some states would be considered differently elsewhere.
For example an NY10 is typically tall and athletic but a DC10 is very plane.
If I had a dollar for every girl who found me unattractive...
they would eventually find me very attractive.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Facebook should make a bigger deal over privacy, certainly as far as photos are concerned.
I managed to find a really attractive girl I'd seen before, and without adding her, I could see all her photos, including some in a bikini.
I mean, she's lucky it's only me w**... and not some pervert.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An attractive young woman goes to a mystic guru
An attractive young woman goes to a mystic guru and says: Oh great guru, please cure me of my ailment guruji! As the woman was attractive, the mystic guru said I will cure you my child, but as token of you gratitude, you must go to bed with me.
She agreed, and the guru had the best s**... of his life with the woman.
Then the guru asked Tell me, my child. what is your ailment? . I have AIDS replied the woman.
If I had a $ for every time a woman thought of me as unattractive
women would think I'm attractive
A woman scanned the guests at a party...
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. 'My name is Carmen,' she told him.
'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men. What's your name?', she asked.
The man replied, 'B. J. Titsengolf''
Many burn victims are not very attractive,
But all of them used to be extremely hot at some point in the past.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A general, an officer, an old lady, and an attractive young woman all board a train together.
As they ride along they go in a dark tunnel and can't see anything. Suddenly, they hear a quick smooch followed by a loud s**...!
The old lady thinks, "that young girl has some fine morals, smacking a man for trying to steal a kiss."
The young woman thinks, "how odd, the general tried to kiss the old lady instead of me."
The general thinks, "that officer is smart, he steals a kiss, and I get slapped."
The office thinks, "I'M A GENIUS! I kiss the back of my hand, and get to hit a 4 star general!!!"
After getting lost in the huge Costco, I couldn't find my wife after25 minutes looking for her....
I went up to a very attractive woman and I told her: I lost my wife
The woman looked at me: I don't know how talking to me is going to help you find your wife
I said, just wait 3, 2, 1... my wife rounds the corner, hey honey what are you doing?
My mom really only sends the classiest of FWDs
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says,
"Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies
watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"
The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
Pretty woman sneezes
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An attractive woman was reading The History of p**... on the bus the other day...
... I struck up a conversations opening with "That seems interesting"
She responds: "It really is! Did you know that Native Americans have the longest p**... in the world? And Poles the girthiest!"
She extends her hand, I grab it and say... "Tonto Polanski, pleasure to meet you"
A man sees an attractive girl sitting alone
At a restaurant, a man sees an attractive girl sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the girl says, and she pops her eye back in place.
"I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy a drink to make it up to you. May I join you?"
He agrees.
The girls is good at keeping conversation, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common.
He asks her phone number and then he compliments her:
"You are the most charming girl I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No", she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
A business owner is interviewing an attractive young lady...
A business owner is interviewing to hire a bookkeeper, and in walks an attractive young lady. To make sure that she understands money and math, he asks her "If I were to give you ten thousand dollars, minus 15%, how much would you take off?"
She thinks a moment and answers "Everything but my earrings!"
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last day for your taxes
A man walked into a restaurant with his young son. He gave the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy started choking, going blue in the face. The father realized the boy had swallowed the nickels and started slapping him on the back. The boy coughed up 2 of the nickels, but kept choking.
Looking at his son, the father panicked and shouted for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit was sitting at the coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down, neatly folded the newspaper and placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully dropped his pants, took hold of the boy's t**... and started to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the last nickel, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's t**..., the woman handed the nickel to the father and walked back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he was sure that his son had suffered no ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde goes to a blood bank to earn a little money to pay the bills...
She steps into the elevator along with an attractive young man.
"Are you going to the blood bank too?" she inquires.
"no" he replies: "I go to the s**... bank, because I get four times the cash as I get for a pint of blood".
A week later, they meet again in the same elevator. The guy asks: " Off to the blood bank again?"
The blonde just shakes her head and says :" Mmm-Mmm"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between flirting and s**... harassment?
Whether or not the woman finds the man attractive.
A girl asked her boyfriend "Babe, would you leave me if I was unattractive?"
The boyfriend replies "I'm still here, aren't I?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Wife won't like it
One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name?"
"Its Jack , and I'm Okay thanks," I replied.
"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very s**... and persuasive... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who is the most attractive Greek mythological figure?
I don't know about you, but Medusa always gets me rock hard.
Itchipussy
A cougar had just finished purchasing groceries. The clerk asks if she would like any help out. The woman, seeing the bag boy was an attractive young man, she says she would. In the parking lot she sees her chance to make a move, and does:
Woman: (whispers) Hey cutie, I've got an itchipussy.
Bag boy: Look lady, all these Japanese cars look alike to me, you'll have to point it out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An alternate version of a racist joke
A black man goes to a club and hits it off with an attractive white woman. Eventually they head back to her place and start u**.... As the woman is taking the man's pants off, she says "now... show me what you guys are really famous for".
So a police offer knocks down the door and shoots him.
So I was at the bar the other night exchanging pleasantries with an attractive woman.
She said she would like to read my palm... Okay!
She takes my hand and asks... "Do you come here often?"
Guy tip:
If your girlfriend has a really annoying friend, don't tell her how bothersome she is or to stop being friends with her. Just casually mention how attractive she is.
I went on vacation with my girlfriends family - her dad is really religious and said we could not sleep together
Which is a shame cuz he's a really attractive man
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife went into hospital last night after an acid attack, "Will I still be attractive?" She sobbed.
The doctor had a quick look, and said, "Sure, but you may have to have some f**... reconstruction and wear a mask.... How does that sound to you?"
"Not good!" My wife replied, "The acid only hit me on my leg."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If a Woman says you're "u**..."...
...she means "you're unattractive". If a Man says you're "u**..." it means "you're a Mermaid"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So my foreign professor overheard some attractive girls talking about how they like it long and hard.
The exam the next morning s**....
I was getting nowhere chatting up this very attractive posh-looking girl the other night,
so I asked her, Do you always give guys such a hard time? I mean, have you ever slept with anyone before?
That's my business! she snapped back at me.
Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't realise, I responded. How much?
What do you call a row of women all arranged in order of attractiveness?
A broad spectrum.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The carpet
An attractive, well-dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian carpets. She looks around, spots a beautiful carpet, and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the carpet she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed. Standing behind her is a salesman.
"Good day, ma'am, how may I help you today?"
Flustered, she asks, "Yes, uh, how much does this carpet cost?"
"Madam," he answers, "If you f**... just touching it, you're gonna s**... when you hear the price."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If had a dollar for every woman who found me unattractive
Every woman would find me attractive
Joke written by an AI
Disclaimer: The joke below was not created by me, or any human, but rather by an AI. I was curious to see if an AI could have a sense of humor.
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a very attractive woman. After an hour of conversation, the woman says to the man, "Thank you for buying me these drinks all night but I am not going to sleep with you. I'm not that kind of girl." The man says, "I'm not that kind of guy. I have a wife and kids at home. I drink to forget my wife and kids at home."
at least he tried.
I was getting nowhere chatting up this very attractive woman the other night, so I asked her,
Do you always give blokes such a hard time? I mean, have you ever slept with anyone before?
That's my business! she snapped back at me.
Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't realise, I responded. How much?
A survey revealed that People who speak more than one language are considered more attractive.
Unless that language is Klingon
I'm sapiosexual, I find intelligence attractive.
I guess you could say I come to a lot of conclusions.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar
He saw an attractive girl waving at him, but he's not so sure so he looks around to make sure that's him she's waving to.
The girl walks to him and said: "Hello!"
She was so beautiful with blonde hair blue eyes, but he can't remember knowing her.
"I'm sorry, do I know you?" - he asks.
"Yes, you're one of my kids' father!"
Now he panics, and recalls to that one time he cheated on his wife.
"Are you that stripper on my bachelor's party where we had s**... on the bar counter and all of my friends saw you spanked me?"
"k**..., but no, I'm your kid's teacher!"
A gorgeous young woman works at the grocery store. Her job is to climb the ladder to get raisin bread down from the top shelf.
Because she is so attractive, a lot of men who come to the grocery store ask her to get down the raisin bread just so they can see up her skirt when she climbs the ladder, but the woman thinks it's just because raisin bread is really popular.
One day, after the woman had given raisin bread to dozens of men, an old man came walking through the bread aisle. "Excuse me, sir," she said. "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," replied the old man, "but it's twitchin' a little!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?
Seeing you from the back, I thought you were repulsive. But seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two lawyers are having lunch.
An attractive woman walks in, and one lawyer whispers to the other "See that hot babe over there? I s**... her!" The second lawyer looks her over very carefully, then turns back to the first lawyer and says "Out of what?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Gentleman
Despite the fact that I'm a gentleman, I have no luck with women, I just always seem to screw things up.
Recently I saw an attractive woman. I decided to open the doors for her. Unfortunately, she got s**... out of the plane.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I said that was impossible..
Because that would require 2 women to find me attractive.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My dating coach told me I should s**... in my cheeks to look more attractive.
It didn't work and ended up giving me a w**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A group of elderly folks were watching television at the retirement home...
They were enjoying their show until it was time for a commercial break. Having nothing else to do, they stayed sitting and watched the commercials. Suddenly, one advertisement displayed attractive men and women in rubber bodysuits, latex clothing, and b**...-looking outfits. The elderly were aghast.
No one expected the Spandex intermission.
I always thought I was more attractive without my glasses.
Of course, that's mainly because I can't see without them.
If I had a nickle for every person that isn't attracted to me
I would suddenly be very attractive.
They say a man's attractiveness is tied to his chess ability...
Unfortunately, I'm really bad at mating.
