Attractive Jokes
124 attractive jokes and hilarious attractive puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about attractive that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Attractive Short Jokes
Short attractive jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The attractive humour may include short attracted jokes also.
- If i had $1 for every girl that didn't find me attractive.. .. they would eventually find me attractive
- What do you call the sexuality where you're attracted to men and women but neither are attracted to you? Bi-yourself.
- My girlfriends parents are very religious. The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.
- I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl... they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.
- If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive... ....they would start to find me attractive.
- What do women put on their ear to look more attractive?... Their knees.
(Not sure if this one translates well to english) - A man meets an attractive woman in a bar and tells her, You know, I'm a lawyer. Honest? the woman asks.
No, no. Just the regular kind, he replied. - An very attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night. And brought it to a table of friends.
- In order to attract women I like to use this quote from shakespeare's Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82. "Hello."
- If I had a Dollar for every time a woman told me I was unattractive they'd eventually find me attractive.
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Attractive One Liners
Which attractive one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with attractive? I can suggest the ones about fashionable and enjoyable.
- I could never cheat in a relationship That would require 2 people to find me attractive
- Do you know why programers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs.
- Why do most programmer use dark mode? Because the light attracts too many bugs
- I'm never going to find a soul mate. I really only find redheads attractive.
- Why does a programmer prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs
- Yo mama is so fat She is literally attractive
- The one thing that all women find attractive ...a man who doesn't fall for clickbait
- I always cry before talking to attractive girls Any tips against pepper spray?
- How does a male farmer win the heart of a female farmer? Attract her.
- Yo mama so fat.. Your dad was attracted to her by the force of gravity.
- The more you weigh, the more attractive you are. Gravitationally speaking.
- How do attractive men pay for things? They handsome money to the cashier
- If you're trying to meet an attractive nurse It helps to be patient.
- What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress? Magnets
- How does a Welshman find a sheep in tall grass? Attractive
Physically Attractive Jokes
Here is a list of funny physically attractive jokes and even better physically attractive puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Women are the only physical entity that defy the laws of gravitation. Increase in mass does not lead to an increase in the orce of attraction.
- According to the laws of physics, the heavier you are... the more attractive you are.
- You know you are a Physics nerd when.... Yo mamma so fat she attracts black holes
- Why are hikers so physically attractive? They have a lot of s**... uphill
Silly & Ridiculous Attractive Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about attractive you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean impressive jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make attractive pranks.
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.
His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old g**... like you. How did you pull it off?"
"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."
"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.
"There is no way she could believe you were 40". John shakes his head again.
"So how old did you tell her you were exactly??"
John smiles and says "85".
An attractive woman asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday.
She said what would you like to see.
I said you pick.
She said you pick.
I said I don't care you pick.
She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.
My girlfriend got a boob job, but I don't know how to break it to her that I find it makes her less attractive
Traditionally women tend to get both done
A man comes home from work...
A man comes home from work and he finds his wife furious at him.
She screams "Why did you sleep with my sister while you were at work!?"
He replies "Well she was lying on the table, n**..., and you know she's an attractive woman, so what did you expect me to do?"
"Perform the autopsy."
How did the r**... find his sister in the wood?
Attractive.
What did microsoft say to the attractive girl in the room?
Can I c**... at your place tonight?
My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.
I said, Don't cry over skilled m**....
My girlfriend's parents are very religious
The first time I went to stay with her at her parents' house her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.
Which is a shame because he is very attractive.
How to approach an attractive woman in Ireland.
Here's a guide for any Americans guys visiting Ireland.
The best way to chat up an attractive looking woman in Ireland is to ask her: So, what part of Poland are you from? .
If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me unattractive
They'd soon find me attractive
Democrats are sexier than Republicans
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Is it true that Democrats are generally considered to be more attractive than Republicans?" he asks the bartender. "Well, have you every heard of a hot piece of elephant?" the bartender responds.
If I had a dollar for every woman that didn't find me attractive………
Eventually they would find me attractive.
On the bus today, I saw an attractive young woman breastfeeding
Suddenly an old woman started shouting, "you shouldn't be doing that in public, that's disgusting!!!".
A part of me wanted to scold the old woman, but another part of me thinks...
"Maybe I shouldn't have been m**... on a bus..."
The Wisdom of an Older Man
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a pretty woman, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''
A man walks into a Bar.
A man walks into a bar and sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself and asks, May I buy you a cocktail?
"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."
"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
"No, they spread."
If I had a nickel for every time a girl didn't find me attractive...
Girls would find me attractive
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old
lady, entered the doctor´s office.
"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me," said the girl. "it´s my old aunt here."
"Very well,"said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
My mate told me yesterday that he's started dating twins!
I asked how he could tell which one is which.
He said, 'Well, Andrea is really, really attractive - she has long blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes and plump red lips. Plus she's got a really nice body. Pretty much a perfect ten.
And Brian has a c**....'
An attractive waitress approaches a table of two men and asks them what they would like to order.
How about a q**...? asks the one man. She immediately throws his water in his face and storms off to call the manager.
His friend leans across the table and says, Dude, it's pronounced quiche .
A girl from Alabama asked me if I found her attractive.
I said, "You've got a face only a brother could love."
How do you make 10 pounds of ugly fat attractive?
Put a n**... on it.
A man walks into a bar and sees a young, attractive woman.
He approaches her and asks, "Excuse me, Miss. I was curious, would you be willing to sleep with me for one million dollars?" She responds, "Well certainly!" Again he asks, "How about for $10?" This time she answers, "Not at all. What do you think I am?" The man replies, "I have already established what you are. I'm just trying to negotiate a better price."
If I had a dollar for every time a girl told me I was unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
ba dum tsss
People often rank a person's attractiveness out of ten, but what is considered a ten in some states would be considered differently elsewhere.
For example an NY10 is typically tall and athletic but a DC10 is very plane.
If I had a dollar for every girl who found me unattractive...
they would eventually find me very attractive.
Facebook should make a bigger deal over privacy, certainly as far as photos are concerned.
I managed to find a really attractive girl I'd seen before, and without adding her, I could see all her photos, including some in a bikini.
I mean, she's lucky it's only me w**... and not some pervert.
My girlfriends father wouldn't let us sleep together when I stayed over at her house
Which is a shame because he's very attractive.
An attractive young woman goes to a mystic guru
An attractive young woman goes to a mystic guru and says: Oh great guru, please cure me of my ailment guruji! As the woman was attractive, the mystic guru said I will cure you my child, but as token of you gratitude, you must go to bed with me.
She agreed, and the guru had the best s**... of his life with the woman.
Then the guru asked Tell me, my child. what is your ailment? . I have AIDS replied the woman.
My girlfriend's dad is so religious, he won't let us sleep together...
Which is a shame, because he's a really attractive man...
If I had a $ for every time a woman thought of me as unattractive
women would think I'm attractive
I told my friends I have a date with an attractive woman. They laughed and said she was imaginary.
Jokes on them, because they're imaginary too.
A woman scanned the guests at a party...
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. 'My name is Carmen,' she told him.
'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men. What's your name?', she asked.
The man replied, 'B. J. Titsengolf''
Many burn victims are not very attractive,
But all of them used to be extremely hot at some point in the past.
I find certain races unattractive...
Marathons are one thing, but triathlons seem like too much trouble.
A general, an officer, an old lady, and an attractive young woman all board a train together.
As they ride along they go in a dark tunnel and can't see anything. Suddenly, they hear a quick smooch followed by a loud s**...!
The old lady thinks, "that young girl has some fine morals, smacking a man for trying to steal a kiss."
The young woman thinks, "how odd, the general tried to kiss the old lady instead of me."
The general thinks, "that officer is smart, he steals a kiss, and I get slapped."
The office thinks, "I'M A GENIUS! I kiss the back of my hand, and get to hit a 4 star general!!!"
I was on the train this afternoon...
when I sat across from a very attractive babe from Thailand.
I spent the next 10 minutes thinking to myself, "don't get an e**..., please don't get an e**...". But she did.
My girlfriend's parents are very religious
The first time I came to her house, her father insisted that we could not sleep together. It was a shame, he was very attractive.
If I had a dollar for every time a girl didn't find me attractive
***They'd eventually find me attractive***
After getting lost in the huge Costco, I couldn't find my wife after25 minutes looking for her....
I went up to a very attractive woman and I told her: I lost my wife
The woman looked at me: I don't know how talking to me is going to help you find your wife
I said, just wait 3, 2, 1... my wife rounds the corner, hey honey what are you doing?
My mom really only sends the classiest of FWDs
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says,
"Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies
watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"
The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
If I had a dollar for every time a woman find me attractive...
I'd have a dollar, thanks mom
How do you make seven pounds of fat look attractive?
Put a n**... in the middle of it
If I had £1 for every girl who found me unattractive
They'd probably start to find me attractive
A woman decides to surprise her husband at work, and walks into his office to find him talking on the phone and his very attractive secretary perched on his lap.
As soon as he sees his wife, the husband speak into the phone, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue running this office with only one chair."
A guy goes into a bar...
He sits and ask for 2 beers. After he finished them, he take something in his pocket, look at it, put it back and ask for 2 more beers. After he finished them, he did the same process and ask for 2 more beers.
After he did it 4 more times, the bartender intrigued ask the guy what's in his pocket.
- Ohh its just a picture of my wive! When i'm drunk enough to find her attractive I know it's time to go home.
Pretty woman sneezes
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
An attractive woman was reading The History of p**... on the bus the other day...
... I struck up a conversations opening with "That seems interesting"
She responds: "It really is! Did you know that Native Americans have the longest p**... in the world? And Poles the girthiest!"
She extends her hand, I grab it and say... "Tonto Polanski, pleasure to meet you"
A man sees an attractive girl sitting alone
At a restaurant, a man sees an attractive girl sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the girl says, and she pops her eye back in place.
"I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy a drink to make it up to you. May I join you?"
He agrees.
The girls is good at keeping conversation, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common.
He asks her phone number and then he compliments her:
"You are the most charming girl I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No", she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
A business owner is interviewing an attractive young lady...
A business owner is interviewing to hire a bookkeeper, and in walks an attractive young lady. To make sure that she understands money and math, he asks her "If I were to give you ten thousand dollars, minus 15%, how much would you take off?"
She thinks a moment and answers "Everything but my earrings!"
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
Last day for your taxes
A man walked into a restaurant with his young son. He gave the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy started choking, going blue in the face. The father realized the boy had swallowed the nickels and started slapping him on the back. The boy coughed up 2 of the nickels, but kept choking.
Looking at his son, the father panicked and shouted for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit was sitting at the coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down, neatly folded the newspaper and placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully dropped his pants, took hold of the boy's t**... and started to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the last nickel, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's t**..., the woman handed the nickel to the father and walked back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he was sure that his son had suffered no ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."
I saw a very attractive guy s**... his child after he threw his fries on the ground
I also threw my fries on the ground.
A blonde goes to a blood bank to earn a little money to pay the bills...
She steps into the elevator along with an attractive young man.
"Are you going to the blood bank too?" she inquires.
"no" he replies: "I go to the s**... bank, because I get four times the cash as I get for a pint of blood".
A week later, they meet again in the same elevator. The guy asks: " Off to the blood bank again?"
The blonde just shakes her head and says :" Mmm-Mmm"
In Honor of His First Emmy, My Favorite Henry Winkler Joke
Henry Winkler boards a plane and sits in First Class. The attractive stewardess says, "Would you like a drink?" and he says, "Yes, thank you."
She brings him the drink, and then asks, "Would you like some headphones?"
He says, "Absolutely. But by the way, it's pronounced 'Fonz.'"
What's the difference between flirting and s**... harassment?
Whether or not the woman finds the man attractive.
A girl asked her boyfriend "Babe, would you leave me if I was unattractive?"
The boyfriend replies "I'm still here, aren't I?"
My Wife won't like it
One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name?"
"Its Jack , and I'm Okay thanks," I replied.
"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very s**... and persuasive... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!"
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.
She told me that I had to quit m**.... I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Who is the most attractive Greek mythological figure?
I don't know about you, but Medusa always gets me rock hard.
Itchipussy
A cougar had just finished purchasing groceries. The clerk asks if she would like any help out. The woman, seeing the bag boy was an attractive young man, she says she would. In the parking lot she sees her chance to make a move, and does:
Woman: (whispers) Hey cutie, I've got an itchipussy.
Bag boy: Look lady, all these Japanese cars look alike to me, you'll have to point it out.
A man boards a plane.
An attractive flight attendant walks towards the man and asks: "Would you like some headphones?"
The man replies: "Yes, but how did you know my name was Phones?"
An alternate version of a racist joke
A black man goes to a club and hits it off with an attractive white woman. Eventually they head back to her place and start u**.... As the woman is taking the man's pants off, she says "now... show me what you guys are really famous for".
So a police offer knocks down the door and shoots him.
So I was at the bar the other night exchanging pleasantries with an attractive woman.
She said she would like to read my palm... Okay!
She takes my hand and asks... "Do you come here often?"
Guy walks into a bar...
There's a sign that says: Cheeseburgers - $1.50, Chicken Sandwich - $2.50, h**... - $10.00. He walks up to a very attractive barmaid and ask "Hey, are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purred, "I am." He looked her straight in the eye and said "Well, go wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."
I sat next to this attractive Thai g**... the train...
I kept thinking *don't get an e**...*,*don't get an e**...*, but she did.
