The Best 92 Attractive Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Attractive jokes. There are some attractive unattractive jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these attractive seductively puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Attractive Jokes and Puns

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

If i had $1 for every girl that didn't find me attractive..

.. they would eventually find me attractive

A woman scanned the guests at a party...

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. 'My name is Carmen,' she told him.
'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men. What's your name?', she asked.
The man replied, 'B. J. Titsengolf''

Attractive joke, A woman scanned the guests at a party...

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old
lady, entered the doctorΒ΄s office.

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "itΒ΄s my old aunt here."

"Very well,"said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.

She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."


My mom really only sends the classiest of FWDs

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says,
"Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies
watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"
The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Itchipussy

A cougar had just finished purchasing groceries. The clerk asks if she would like any help out. The woman, seeing the bag boy was an attractive young man, she says she would. In the parking lot she sees her chance to make a move, and does:

Woman: (whispers) Hey cutie, I've got an itchipussy.

Bag boy: Look lady, all these Japanese cars look alike to me, you'll have to point it out.

Attractive joke, Itchipussy

Who is the most attractive person in the world ?

Magneto

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

I was on the train this afternoon...

when I sat across from a very attractive babe from Thailand.

I spent the next 10 minutes thinking to myself, "don't get an erection, please don't get an erection". But she did.

Facebook should make a bigger deal over privacy, certainly as far as photos are concerned.

I managed to find a really attractive girl I'd seen before, and without adding her, I could see all her photos, including some in a bikini.
I mean, she's lucky it's only me wanking and not some pervert.

You can explore attractive convenient reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean attractive carmen dad jokes. There are also attractive puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Pretty woman sneezes

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.

The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl...

they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.

A guy goes into a bar...

He sits and ask for 2 beers. After he finished them, he take something in his pocket, look at it, put it back and ask for 2 more beers. After he finished them, he did the same process and ask for 2 more beers.

After he did it 4 more times, the bartender intrigued ask the guy what's in his pocket.
- Ohh its just a picture of my wive! When i'm drunk enough to find her attractive I know it's time to go home.

Gym Joke

A guy who newly joined a gym asked the instructor which was the best machine in the gym which will make him attractive to girls.

The instructor replied,"the atm"

If I had a dollar for every time a girl told me I was unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

ba dum tsss

Attractive joke, If I had a dollar for every time a girl told me I was unattractive, they'd eventually find me attrac

A girl went to a doctor for a checkup....

During her annual checkup, the attractive woman was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. Doctor… she replied shyly, I feel uncomfortable undressing in front of you. All right, said the physician, I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're done. A few moments later her voice called out from the darkness, Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with all my clothes? Put them on the chair, on top of mine.

How did the redneck find his sister in the woods?

Attractive.

My Wife won't like it

One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name?"

"Its Jack , and I'm Okay thanks," I replied.

"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive... I was weak.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!"


On the bus today, I saw an attractive young woman breastfeeding

Suddenly an old woman started shouting, "you shouldn't be doing that in public, that's disgusting!!!".

A part of me wanted to scold the old woman, but another part of me thinks...

"Maybe I shouldn't have been masturbating on a bus..."

Guy tip:

If your girlfriend has a really annoying friend, don't tell her how bothersome she is or to stop being friends with her. Just casually mention how attractive she is.

I always cry before talking to attractive girls

Any tips against pepper spray?

So my foreign professor overheard some attractive girls talking about how they like it long and hard.

The exam the next morning sucked.

A man boards a plane.

An attractive flight attendant walks towards the man and asks: "Would you like some headphones?"

The man replies: "Yes, but how did you know my name was Phones?"

A girl from Alabama asked me if I found her attractive.

I said, "You've got a face only a brother could love."

How does a Welshman find a sheep in tall grass?

Attractive

How do attractive men pay for things?

They handsome money to the cashier

A man at a party sees a very attractive woman

He walks up and says, "You are beautiful and I have to have you. Would you sleep with me for $2,000?"

"Yes." She says.

He walks away and comes back and says, "Would you sleep with me for $20?"

She gets angry and says, "What kind of woman do you thing I am!?"

Guy says, "We've already established that. Now we are simply negotiating the price. "

A man sees an attractive girl sitting alone

At a restaurant, a man sees an attractive girl sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the girl says, and she pops her eye back in place.

"I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy a drink to make it up to you. May I join you?"

He agrees.

The girls is good at keeping conversation, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common.

He asks her phone number and then he compliments her:

"You are the most charming girl I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No", she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

The Wisdom of an Older Man

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a pretty woman, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''

My girlfriends father wouldn't let us sleep together when I stayed over at her house

Which is a shame because he's very attractive.

If I had a dollar for every time a woman find me attractive...

I'd have a dollar, thanks mom

A man walks into a bar and sees a young, attractive woman.

He approaches her and asks, "Excuse me, Miss. I was curious, would you be willing to sleep with me for one million dollars?" She responds, "Well certainly!" Again he asks, "How about for $10?" This time she answers, "Not at all. What do you think I am?" The man replies, "I have already established what you are. I'm just trying to negotiate a better price."

So I was at the bar the other night exchanging pleasantries with an attractive woman.

She said she would like to read my palm... Okay!

She takes my hand and asks... "Do you come here often?"

A man comes home from work...

A man comes home from work and he finds his wife furious at him.

She screams "Why did you sleep with my sister while you were at work!?"

He replies "Well she was lying on the table, naked, and you know she's an attractive woman, so what did you expect me to do?"

"Perform the autopsy."

I sat next to this attractive Thai girl on the train...

I kept thinking *don't get an erection*,*don't get an erection*, but she did.

I would never cheat on my partner.

Because that would require two people to find me attractive.

The first time I spent the night at my girlfriend's house, her father would not let us sleep together...

...which is a shame because he was very attractive.

The one thing that all women find attractive

...a man who doesn't fall for clickbait

My mate told me yesterday that he's started dating twins!

I asked how he could tell which one is which.

He said, 'Well, Andrea is really, really attractive - she has long blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes and plump red lips. Plus she's got a really nice body. Pretty much a perfect ten.

And Brian has a cock.'

Many burn victims are not very attractive,

But all of them used to be extremely hot at some point in the past.

My girlfriends parents are very religious.

The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.

The most attractive part of Amy Schumer is....

Her Gravitational pull.

The more you weigh, the more attractive you are.

Gravitationally speaking.

I could never cheat in a relationship

That would require 2 people to find me attractive

My girlfriend's parents are very religious

The first time I went to stay with her at her parents' house her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.

Which is a shame because he is very attractive.

An attractive woman asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday.

She said what would you like to see.
I said you pick.
She said you pick.
I said I don't care you pick.
She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.

How do you make seven pounds of fat look attractive?

Put a nipple in the middle of it

If I had a nickel for every time a girl didn't find me attractive...

Girls would find me attractive

A guy was checking out at a supermarket with an attractive young clerk.

She scanned the frozen dinners, the beer, the ramen noodles and kept giving him eyes in between each scan.

As she scanned the condoms she looks and him and says, "Single huh?"

He replies, "yea, how'd you know?"

She says, "Because you're ugly."

A blonde goes to a blood bank to earn a little money to pay the bills...

She steps into the elevator along with an attractive young man.

"Are you going to the blood bank too?" she inquires.

"no" he replies: "I go to the sperm bank, because I get four times the cash as I get for a pint of blood".

A week later, they meet again in the same elevator. The guy asks: " Off to the blood bank again?"

The blonde just shakes her head and says :" Mmm-Mmm"

An attractive woman was reading The History of Penises on the bus the other day...

... I struck up a conversations opening with "That seems interesting"

She responds: "It really is! Did you know that Native Americans have the longest penises in the world? And Poles the girthiest!"

She extends her hand, I grab it and say... "Tonto Polanski, pleasure to meet you"

What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?

An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.

Guy walks into a bar...

There's a sign that says: Cheeseburgers - $1.50, Chicken Sandwich - $2.50, Hand Job - $10.00. He walks up to a very attractive barmaid and ask "Hey, are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purred, "I am." He looked her straight in the eye and said "Well, go wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."

An very attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night.

And brought it to a table of friends.

I went on vacation with my girlfriends family - her dad is really religious and said we could not sleep together

Which is a shame cuz he's a really attractive man

My girlfriend's dad is so religious, he won't let us sleep together...

Which is a shame, because he's a really attractive man...

How do you make 10 pounds of ugly fat attractive?

Put a nipple on it.

What did microsoft say to the attractive girl in the room?

Can I crash at your place tonight?

A man walks into a Bar.

A man walks into a bar and sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself and asks, May I buy you a cocktail?

"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."

"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

"No, they spread."

An attractive waitress approaches a table of two men and asks them what they would like to order.

How about a quickie? asks the one man. She immediately throws his water in his face and storms off to call the manager.

His friend leans across the table and says, Dude, it's pronounced quiche .

My girlfriend's parents are very religious

The first time I came to her house, her father insisted that we could not sleep together. It was a shame, he was very attractive.

A distressed but attractive woman

A distressed but attractive woman stands at the top of a cliff trying to get together the nerve to jump.

A passing hobo stops and asks "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, do you mind if we have sex first?"

The woman replies, "Get away from me you sicko"

As the hobo turns and walks away he mutters "fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom then"

If you're trying to meet an attractive nurse

It helps to be patient.

If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me unattractive

They'd soon find me attractive

What's the difference between flirting and sexual harassment?

Whether or not the woman finds the man attractive.

Human brain

Human brain is amazing it functions 24/7 from when we were born & only stops when you take a test or talk to someone attractive

Your mom is very attractive...

...mainly due to her massive gravitational pull.

I told my friends I have a date with an attractive woman. They laughed and said she was imaginary.

Jokes on them, because they're imaginary too.

In Honor of His First Emmy, My Favorite Henry Winkler Joke

Henry Winkler boards a plane and sits in First Class. The attractive stewardess says, "Would you like a drink?" and he says, "Yes, thank you."

She brings him the drink, and then asks, "Would you like some headphones?"

He says, "Absolutely. But by the way, it's pronounced 'Fonz.'"

My wife went into hospital last night after an acid attack, "Will I still be attractive?" She sobbed.

The doctor had a quick look, and said, "Sure, but you may have to have some facial reconstruction and wear a mask.... How does that sound to you?"

"Not good!" My wife replied, "The acid only hit me on my leg."

I saw a very attractive guy spank his child after he threw his fries on the ground

I also threw my fries on the ground.

My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.

I said, Don't cry over skilled milf.

A business owner is interviewing an attractive young lady...

A business owner is interviewing to hire a bookkeeper, and in walks an attractive young lady. To make sure that she understands money and math, he asks her "If I were to give you ten thousand dollars, minus 15%, how much would you take off?"



She thinks a moment and answers "Everything but my earrings!"

An attractive young woman goes to a mystic guru

An attractive young woman goes to a mystic guru and says: Oh great guru, please cure me of my ailment guruji! As the woman was attractive, the mystic guru said I will cure you my child, but as token of you gratitude, you must go to bed with me.

She agreed, and the guru had the best sex of his life with the woman.

Then the guru asked Tell me, my child. what is your ailment? . I have AIDS replied the woman.

A woman decides to surprise her husband at work, and walks into his office to find him talking on the phone and his very attractive secretary perched on his lap.

As soon as he sees his wife, the husband speak into the phone, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue running this office with only one chair."

Who is the most attractive Greek mythological figure?

I don't know about you, but Medusa always gets me rock hard.

If had a dollar for every woman who found me unattractive

Every woman would find me attractive

An alternate version of a racist joke

A black man goes to a club and hits it off with an attractive white woman. Eventually they head back to her place and start undressing. As the woman is taking the man's pants off, she says "now... show me what you guys are really famous for".

So a police offer knocks down the door and shoots him.

If I had a dollar for every time a girl didn't find me attractive

***They'd eventually find me attractive***

After getting lost in the huge Costco, I couldn't find my wife after25 minutes looking for her....

I went up to a very attractive woman and I told her: I lost my wife

The woman looked at me: I don't know how talking to me is going to help you find your wife

I said, just wait 3, 2, 1... my wife rounds the corner, hey honey what are you doing?

If I had a dollar for every girl who found me unattractive...

they would eventually find me very attractive.

The carpet

An attractive, well-dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian carpets. She looks around, spots a beautiful carpet, and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the carpet she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed. Standing behind her is a salesman.

"Good day, ma'am, how may I help you today?"

Flustered, she asks, "Yes, uh, how much does this carpet cost?"

"Madam," he answers, "If you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."

A man meets an attractive woman in a bar and tells her, You know, I'm a lawyer.

Honest? the woman asks.

No, no. Just the regular kind, he replied.

A man walks into a bar and approaches an attractive young woman...

He starts to introduce himself before the woman cuts him off.


"Before you talk to me I want you to agree to follow Schwarzenegger's rule." She says.


The man asks, "What's Schwarzenegger's rule?" To which the woman responds:


"If you spoke to Arnold Schwarzenegger the way some men speak to women you'd get your ass kicked, so don't say anything to me that you wouldn't say to him."


The man pauses for a moment before proudly proclaiming, "you've got a NICE chest."

How do you make 5 lbs of fat attractive?

Put a nipple on it.

If I had Β£1 for every girl who found me unattractive

They'd probably start to find me attractive

A picket to Tittsburgh

A guy travels out to visit a friend of his in Pittsburgh who is going through some hard times. His friend picks him up at the airport.

"How was the flight?"

"The flight was fine but I embarrassed myself when I bought my ticket."

"Oh? What happened?"

"The woman at the counter was very attractive and instead of asking for a ticket to Pittsburgh, I asked for a picket to Tittsburgh."

"Oh that's just a Freudian slip. Happens all the time. Just the other night at dinner I meant to ask my wife to pass the salt but instead said 'you ruined my life you bitch'".

I've become much more attractive during the pandemic

My gravity increased.

A general, an officer, an old lady, and an attractive young woman all board a train together.

As they ride along they go in a dark tunnel and can't see anything. Suddenly, they hear a quick smooch followed by a loud smack!

The old lady thinks, "that young girl has some fine morals, smacking a man for trying to steal a kiss."

The young woman thinks, "how odd, the general tried to kiss the old lady instead of me."

The general thinks, "that officer is smart, he steals a kiss, and I get slapped."

The office thinks, "I'M A GENIUS! I kiss the back of my hand, and get to hit a 4 star general!!!"

Foreigner

A man walks into a bar. He orders a drink ans sees an attractive woman at the end of the bar. He tells the bartender that he wants to buy that woman a drink.
Bartender says "she's a Lesbian you know"
Man insists and the bartender put a drink down in front of her.

Man waits 5 minutes, and walks up to her asks

"so what part of Lesbia are you from?"

I would never ever cheat in a Relationship..

because that would require 2 people to find me attractive.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the attractive attractiveness jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working attractive attract piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes