Attracted Jokes
117 attracted jokes and hilarious attracted puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about attracted that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Attracted Short Jokes
Short attracted jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The attracted humour may include short attraction jokes also.
- If i had $1 for every girl that didn't find me attractive.. .. they would eventually find me attractive
- What do you call the sexuality where you're attracted to men and women but neither are attracted to you? Bi-yourself.
- My girlfriends parents are very religious. The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.
- What do women put on their ear to look more attractive?... Their knees.
(Not sure if this one translates well to english) - A man meets an attractive woman in a bar and tells her, You know, I'm a lawyer. Honest? the woman asks.
No, no. Just the regular kind, he replied. - An very attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night. And brought it to a table of friends.
- In order to attract women I like to use this quote from shakespeare's Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82. "Hello."
- If I had a Dollar for every time a woman told me I was unattractive they'd eventually find me attractive.
- My girlfriend got a boob job, but I don't know how to break it to her that I find it makes her less attractive Traditionally women tend to get both done
- People shouldn't be shamed for their kinks. Me, I get really turned on when someone smells like musty sweat and coal. But I always get called a monster when I admit to being attracted to miners.
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Attracted One Liners
Which attracted one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with attracted? I can suggest the ones about intrigued and impressed.
- I could never cheat in a relationship That would require 2 people to find me attractive
- Do you know why programers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs.
- I'm never going to find a soul mate. I really only find redheads attractive.
- The one thing that all women find attractive ...a man who doesn't fall for clickbait
- How does a male farmer win the heart of a female farmer? Attract her.
- The more you weigh, the more attractive you are. Gravitationally speaking.
- How do attractive men pay for things? They handsome money to the cashier
- If you're trying to meet an attractive nurse It helps to be patient.
- What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress? Magnets
- What do you call an attraction to both genders but a preference for one? A bi-as
- Who is the most attractive person in the world ? Magneto
- Your mom is very attractive... ...mainly due to her massive gravitational pull.
- The most attractive part of Amy Schumer is.... Her Gravitational pull.
- What makes an elderly millionaire bachelor more attractive? Terminal illness.
- what do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders Biking
Cheerful Attracted Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!
What funny jokes about attracted you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean drawn jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make attracted pranks.
The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.
No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
A woman scanned the guests at a party...
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. 'My name is Carmen,' she told him.
'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men. What's your name?', she asked.
The man replied, 'B. J. Titsengolf''
My mom really only sends the classiest of FWDs
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says,
"Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies
watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"
The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
Itchipussy
A cougar had just finished purchasing groceries. The clerk asks if she would like any help out. The woman, seeing the bag boy was an attractive young man, she says she would. In the parking lot she sees her chance to make a move, and does:
Woman: (whispers) Hey cutie, I've got an itchipussy.
Bag boy: Look lady, all these Japanese cars look alike to me, you'll have to point it out.
Two Molecules are Talking to Each Other...
The first one asks, "Why don't you like me?"
The water molecule says, "I'm sorry, but I'm just not that attracted to you."
The other cries, "Is it because I'm fat?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last day for your taxes
A man walked into a restaurant with his young son. He gave the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy started choking, going blue in the face. The father realized the boy had swallowed the nickels and started slapping him on the back. The boy coughed up 2 of the nickels, but kept choking.
Looking at his son, the father panicked and shouted for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit was sitting at the coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down, neatly folded the newspaper and placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully dropped his pants, took hold of the boy's t**... and started to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the last nickel, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's t**..., the woman handed the nickel to the father and walked back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he was sure that his son had suffered no ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Are you a v**...?
Joe had a blind date with Maria for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.
After some really passionate embracing, he said: "Tell me, do you object to making love?"
"That is something I have never done before," Maria replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a v**...?" Joe was amazed!
"No, silly," she giggled, "I've never objected!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
45 year old charming guy
Having recently turned 45, I thought I had lost all the appeal and charm I used to have with the ladies, until today that is. At my local gas station, the pretty young girl who has served me every other day or so for several weeks asked for my number. I was taken aback. I explained how I was flattered but was perhaps a bit too old for her and that if I were 20 or so years younger I would happily take her up on her offer, I explained how love and s**... attraction, when intertwined, can be exciting and that I hadn't felt this way in years and asked that she save her love for someone who will truly care for her and respect her not only as a woman, but as a person.
. . . . "No," she said. "Your pump number, sir."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Facebook should make a bigger deal over privacy, certainly as far as photos are concerned.
I managed to find a really attractive girl I'd seen before, and without adding her, I could see all her photos, including some in a bikini.
I mean, she's lucky it's only me w**... and not some pervert.
Pretty woman sneezes
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
Guy walks into a gym
He asks the manager which machine he could use that would attract the most women.
The manager points to the ATM.
If I had a dollar for every time a girl told me I was unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
ba dum tsss
What do you call a row of women all arranged in order of attractiveness?
A broad spectrum.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How did the r**... find his sister in the wood?
Attractive.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Wife won't like it
One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name?"
"Its Jack , and I'm Okay thanks," I replied.
"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very s**... and persuasive... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On the bus today, I saw an attractive young woman breastfeeding
Suddenly an old woman started shouting, "you shouldn't be doing that in public, that's disgusting!!!".
A part of me wanted to scold the old woman, but another part of me thinks...
"Maybe I shouldn't have been m**... on a bus..."
Guy tip:
If your girlfriend has a really annoying friend, don't tell her how bothersome she is or to stop being friends with her. Just casually mention how attractive she is.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So my foreign professor overheard some attractive girls talking about how they like it long and hard.
The exam the next morning s**....
A girl from Alabama asked me if I found her attractive.
I said, "You've got a face only a brother could love."
I recently came out as pansexual.
But I'm only attracted to cast iron.
I've tried dating teflon, but it never sticks.
I guess it's true what they say:
"Once you go black, you never go back"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm s**... attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.
But don't worry. It's safe s**....
A man sees an attractive girl sitting alone
At a restaurant, a man sees an attractive girl sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
"This is so embarrassing," the girl says, and she pops her eye back in place.
"I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy a drink to make it up to you. May I join you?"
He agrees.
The girls is good at keeping conversation, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common.
He asks her phone number and then he compliments her:
"You are the most charming girl I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No", she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
The Wisdom of an Older Man
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a pretty woman, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is kissing a tractor
A man is kissing and hugging a tractor
Another man goes up to him and says "what on earth are you doing to this tractor" the man replies explaining that him and his wife are having some marriage problems so a friend said that he should do some s**... thing to a tractor. (Attract her)
First time posting ever, sorry for any mistakes.
So I was at the bar the other night exchanging pleasantries with an attractive woman.
She said she would like to read my palm... Okay!
She takes my hand and asks... "Do you come here often?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man comes home from work...
A man comes home from work and he finds his wife furious at him.
She screams "Why did you sleep with my sister while you were at work!?"
He replies "Well she was lying on the table, n**..., and you know she's an attractive woman, so what did you expect me to do?"
"Perform the autopsy."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My mate told me yesterday that he's started dating twins!
I asked how he could tell which one is which.
He said, 'Well, Andrea is really, really attractive - she has long blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes and plump red lips. Plus she's got a really nice body. Pretty much a perfect ten.
And Brian has a c**....'
Many burn victims are not very attractive,
But all of them used to be extremely hot at some point in the past.
Oxygen and potassium went on a date...
...it went ok.
Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.
The other chemicals were like 'omg'!
Two noble gases went on a date.
There was no reaction.
Two protons went on a date.
There was no attraction.
Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.
They felt a little sour after it.
Hydrogen and nitrogen went on a date.
They had a basic night out.
Sodium and chlorine went on a date.
There was assault.
Potassium and water went on a date.
It was lit.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend told me shes s**... attracted to horses and its tearing her up inside
Literally
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does a mummy attract a mate?
Pharaoh moans.
If I had a nickel for every time a girl didn't find me attractive...
Girls would find me attractive
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde goes to a blood bank to earn a little money to pay the bills...
She steps into the elevator along with an attractive young man.
"Are you going to the blood bank too?" she inquires.
"no" he replies: "I go to the s**... bank, because I get four times the cash as I get for a pint of blood".
A week later, they meet again in the same elevator. The guy asks: " Off to the blood bank again?"
The blonde just shakes her head and says :" Mmm-Mmm"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An attractive woman was reading The History of p**... on the bus the other day...
... I struck up a conversations opening with "That seems interesting"
She responds: "It really is! Did you know that Native Americans have the longest p**... in the world? And Poles the girthiest!"
She extends her hand, I grab it and say... "Tonto Polanski, pleasure to meet you"
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
I went on vacation with my girlfriends family - her dad is really religious and said we could not sleep together
Which is a shame cuz he's a really attractive man
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To keep s**... interesting after 4 years of marriage, my wife and I like to roleplay. I pretend I'm the neighborhood handyman..
and she pretends she's still attracted to me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you make 10 pounds of ugly fat attractive?
Put a n**... on it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did microsoft say to the attractive girl in the room?
Can I c**... at your place tonight?
A man walks into a Bar.
A man walks into a bar and sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself and asks, May I buy you a cocktail?
"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."
"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
"No, they spread."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An attractive waitress approaches a table of two men and asks them what they would like to order.
How about a q**...? asks the one man. She immediately throws his water in his face and storms off to call the manager.
His friend leans across the table and says, Dude, it's pronounced quiche .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The beautiful wife
One day a man walks up to his wife with a question. "Honey, why are you both so beautiful and so s**...?"
She responds: "Well, god made me so beautiful so that you would be attracted to me."
The man nods.
"And he made me so s**... so that I would be attracted to you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
All the girls I date are unemployed, drunk, and are on drugs.
I'm starting to think this whole opposites attract thing is b**....
If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me unattractive
They'd soon find me attractive
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between flirting and s**... harassment?
Whether or not the woman finds the man attractive.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Son asks his dad the meaning of the word gay
Dad, what does gay mean?
Well, it can mean two things. It can mean that a man is attracted to another man. Or it could mean happy.
Dad, are you gay?
No son, I'm married to your mother.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife went into hospital last night after an acid attack, "Will I still be attractive?" She sobbed.
The doctor had a quick look, and said, "Sure, but you may have to have some f**... reconstruction and wear a mask.... How does that sound to you?"
"Not good!" My wife replied, "The acid only hit me on my leg."
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a "sugar daddy".
He's an artificial sweetner.
A few electrons are having a party
When suddenly, an uninvited proton enters, and since opposites attract, all the electrons get stuck to him. Unable to pull themselves away from the gatecrasher, they scream for help. A mystery stranger hears their cries, jumps in, pulls all the electrons off and throws the proton out of the premises. The grateful electrons ask their saviour to identify himself. Mysteriously, he pulls down his hat and answers:
"Bond. Covalent Bond."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.
I said, Don't cry over skilled m**....
A business owner is interviewing an attractive young lady...
A business owner is interviewing to hire a bookkeeper, and in walks an attractive young lady. To make sure that she understands money and math, he asks her "If I were to give you ten thousand dollars, minus 15%, how much would you take off?"
She thinks a moment and answers "Everything but my earrings!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An attractive young woman goes to a mystic guru
An attractive young woman goes to a mystic guru and says: Oh great guru, please cure me of my ailment guruji! As the woman was attractive, the mystic guru said I will cure you my child, but as token of you gratitude, you must go to bed with me.
She agreed, and the guru had the best s**... of his life with the woman.
Then the guru asked Tell me, my child. what is your ailment? . I have AIDS replied the woman.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who is the most attractive Greek mythological figure?
I don't know about you, but Medusa always gets me rock hard.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An alternate version of a racist joke
A black man goes to a club and hits it off with an attractive white woman. Eventually they head back to her place and start u**.... As the woman is taking the man's pants off, she says "now... show me what you guys are really famous for".
So a police offer knocks down the door and shoots him.
Two guys are in a bar...
Two guys are in a bar:
#1: How do you attract all the ladies? What's your secret?
#2: Before I arrive at the bar, I stuff a big sock down my pants.
#1: Thanks, I'll try that.
Next meeting...
#1: The ladies just screamed and ran.
#2: Next time stuff it down the front.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I broke up with my girlfriend because I wasn't s**... attracted to her.
There were no hard feelings.
After getting lost in the huge Costco, I couldn't find my wife after25 minutes looking for her....
I went up to a very attractive woman and I told her: I lost my wife
The woman looked at me: I don't know how talking to me is going to help you find your wife
I said, just wait 3, 2, 1... my wife rounds the corner, hey honey what are you doing?
If I had a dollar for every girl who found me unattractive...
they would eventually find me very attractive.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants.
I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The carpet
An attractive, well-dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian carpets. She looks around, spots a beautiful carpet, and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the carpet she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed. Standing behind her is a salesman.
"Good day, ma'am, how may I help you today?"
Flustered, she asks, "Yes, uh, how much does this carpet cost?"
"Madam," he answers, "If you f**... just touching it, you're gonna s**... when you hear the price."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I tried to confront my friend about his s**... attraction to plants
But he kept on beating behind the bush
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A general, an officer, an old lady, and an attractive young woman all board a train together.
As they ride along they go in a dark tunnel and can't see anything. Suddenly, they hear a quick smooch followed by a loud s**...!
The old lady thinks, "that young girl has some fine morals, smacking a man for trying to steal a kiss."
The young woman thinks, "how odd, the general tried to kiss the old lady instead of me."
The general thinks, "that officer is smart, he steals a kiss, and I get slapped."
The office thinks, "I'M A GENIUS! I kiss the back of my hand, and get to hit a 4 star general!!!"
