The Best 65 Attract Jokes

Following is our collection of Attract jokes which are very funny. There are some attract beekeepers jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these attract impress puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Attract Jokes and Puns

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old
lady, entered the doctorΒ΄s office.

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "itΒ΄s my old aunt here."

"Very well,"said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

Attractive. Brainy. Romantic. Faithful. Makes good food. Gives great head.

-- Online dating profile of a male praying mantis.

If you drop your cellphone in water put it in a bowl of rice...

It will attract an Asian who will fix it for you. (just heard from buddy of mine)

Economic research

Economists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the least principle attract the most interest.


When your phone is wet, put it in a bag of rice

...the rice will attract Asians, and they will proceed to fix your phone.

Who is the most attractive person in the world ?

Magneto

How did the Royal Navy attract so many recruits?

They were impressive!

Guy walks into a gym

He asks the manager which machine he could use that would attract the most women.

The manager points to the ATM.

Confession

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confessional booth and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally,the drunk replies:"No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

If someone is attracted to The Fonz...

does that make them ayy-sexual ?

You can explore attract attraction reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean attract ratio dad jokes. There are also attract puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


LPT: If you accidentally get your phone wet, leave it inside a bag of rice overnight.

At night, the rice will attract Asians who will come and fix your phone for you.

The Night's Watch opens a drinking establishment to attract new brothers.

They call it the Crow Bar.

Why do people love their smartphones so much?

Because opposites attract. (Told to me by 2 students today, loved it!)

If your phone gets wet, try placing it in a bag of rice...

... at night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

How do attractive men pay for things?

They handsome money to the cashier

An attractive student goes up to her young professor...

and she says to him "I want an A for this semester!"

He says "No."

She then says "Please... I will do *anything* to get an A..."

The professor's expression softens. "Anything...?"

The student nods.

The professor says "So would you like to... study?"

A man is kissing a tractor

A man is kissing and hugging a tractor
Another man goes up to him and says "what on earth are you doing to this tractor" the man replies explaining that him and his wife are having some marriage problems so a friend said that he should do some sexy thing to a tractor. (Attract her)

First time posting ever, sorry for any mistakes.

Why did the polish person marry someone from the other side of the country?

Because opposite poles attract


Why do neckbeards regularly expose themselves to illness?

Because it will attract Ma'ladies.

A very attractive woman walked into a bar

Asked everyone what they wanted to drink, everyone wanted two liquor

What's the best way to attract a pervert?

The NSFW tag, you freak

The most attractive part of Amy Schumer is....

Her Gravitational pull.

I'm attracted to you...

and the laws of gravity say that you're attracted to me, too.

I got married because of the whole opposites attract thing...

She was pregnant and I was not.

You may become more attractive

If you eat magnets

In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare's Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

"Hello."

If you ever get your phone wet, put it in a bag of rice

It will attract an Asian, who will then fix it.

What is the most attractive seat on an airplane?

6C

They say a man's attractiveness is tied to his chess ability...

Unfortunately, I'm really bad at mating.

How does a mummy attract a mate?

Pharaoh moans.

An attractive woman asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday.

She said what would you like to see.
I said you pick.
She said you pick.
I said I don't care you pick.
She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.

How do mummies attract mates?

Pharaoh-mones!

Wet phone solution.

Person 1: If you drop your phone into some water, fill a bag with rice and put the phone in the bag and sit it on the kitchen bench overnight.
During the night, the rice will attract asians who will fix your broken electronics.

Person 2: Dude, that's not how it works. They would eat the rice too.

An attractive woman was reading The History of Penises on the bus the other day...

... I struck up a conversations opening with "That seems interesting"

She responds: "It really is! Did you know that Native Americans have the longest penises in the world? And Poles the girthiest!"

She extends her hand, I grab it and say... "Tonto Polanski, pleasure to meet you"

I went to the local gym.

And asked the manager which one of these machines should I work out on to attract me a woman the fastest.

He pointed over at the ATM!

Why couldn't the bowling club attract any good players?

They said 3 strikes you're out.

An very attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night.

And brought it to a table of friends.

When I was at the gym, I asked the trainer, which is the best machine to hit to attract a woman?

He pointed outside and said The ATM

A friend wondered how to be popular with the ladies.

A friend asked my what he could do to attract the ladies like me. I gave him a look over and said that he should stick a potato down his pants. He said he'd try it and left.

A few days later he came back and said, "I put a potato down my pants like you suggested and the ladies still aren't interested in me."

I gave him a look and said, "The potato goes in the front!"

An attractive waitress approaches a table of two men and asks them what they would like to order.

How about a quickie? asks the one man. She immediately throws his water in his face and storms off to call the manager.

His friend leans across the table and says, Dude, it's pronounced quiche .

How did Tutankhamun attract the ladies?

With his Pharaohmones

How do werewolves attract mates?

They *awoooo* them

What's the most attractive law of science?

Gravity.

Everything falls for it.

Sad News.....

At the Nestle factory today a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered.

All the girls I date are unemployed, drunk, and are on drugs.

I'm starting to think this whole opposites attract thing is bullshit.

"Why does this pornstar attract a lot of fans"

They just keep coming to her

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a "Sugar Daddy".

He's an artificial sweetner.

I must be attracted to very cerebral women

because every woman I ask out says she needs to think about it.

A few electrons are having a party

When suddenly, an uninvited proton enters, and since opposites attract, all the electrons get stuck to him. Unable to pull themselves away from the gatecrasher, they scream for help. A mystery stranger hears their cries, jumps in, pulls all the electrons off and throws the proton out of the premises. The grateful electrons ask their saviour to identify himself. Mysteriously, he pulls down his hat and answers:

"Bond. Covalent Bond."

I saw a very attractive guy spank his child after he threw his fries on the ground

I also threw my fries on the ground.

My feet are so big

That they attract everything within two feet.

An attractive young woman goes to a mystic guru

An attractive young woman goes to a mystic guru and says: Oh great guru, please cure me of my ailment guruji! As the woman was attractive, the mystic guru said I will cure you my child, but as token of you gratitude, you must go to bed with me.

She agreed, and the guru had the best sex of his life with the woman.

Then the guru asked Tell me, my child. what is your ailment? . I have AIDS replied the woman.

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled "The Milky Bars are on me!", people just cheered.

How does a male farmer win the heart of a female farmer?

Attract her.

Who is the most attractive Greek mythological figure?

I don't know about you, but Medusa always gets me rock hard.

How do you attract perverts to something?

Stick a NSFW tag on it

An attractive co-worker that I've been working with for 3 years confessed to me today, but I rejected her.

One way to spot a woman with low standards is when they start liking me.

Johnny wanted to impress the girls in his swimming class.

So he asked his dad what to do.

"Son, just put a potato in your pants, and you'll attract them all!" His dad advised.

The next day after practice, Johnny looked pretty gloomy.

His dad asked, "What's wrong? Did the advice I give you not work?"

"It would've," cried Johnny. "If you told me to put it in the FRONT!"

How do you attract a US politician with just a guitar?

B minor

Two guys are in a bar...

β€ͺTwo guys are in a bar:‬

β€ͺ#1: How do you attract all the ladies? What's your secret? ‬

β€ͺ#2: Before I arrive at the bar, I stuff a big sock down my pants. ‬

β€ͺ#1: Thanks, I'll try that. ‬

β€ͺNext meeting...‬

β€ͺ#1: The ladies just screamed and ran. ‬

β€ͺ#2: Next time stuff it down the front. ‬

Do you know what attracts flies?

Bullshit

Sad News At The Nestle Factory

Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered

Why are smart lights turned off when they update ?

To not attract bugs

My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants.

I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the attract seduce jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working attract qualities piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes