Attract Jokes

Following is our collection of attraction humor and beekeepers one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Attract puns for adults, dirty ratio jokes or clean impress gags for kids.

There is an abundance of seduce jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 65 funniest jokes on attract. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any qualities witze you can hear about attract.

The Best jokes about Attract

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

An attractive woman asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday.

She said what would you like to see.
I said you pick.
She said you pick.
I said I don't care you pick.
She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.

An very attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night.

And brought it to a table of friends.

In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare's Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

"Hello."

What's the best way to attract a pervert?

The NSFW tag, you freak


A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a "Sugar Daddy".

He's an artificial sweetner.

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old
lady, entered the doctorΒ΄s office.

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "itΒ΄s my old aunt here."

"Very well,"said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

An attractive waitress approaches a table of two men and asks them what they would like to order.

How about a quickie? asks the one man. She immediately throws his water in his face and storms off to call the manager.

His friend leans across the table and says, Dude, it's pronounced quiche .

How does a male farmer win the heart of a female farmer?

Attract her.

When I was at the gym, I asked the trainer, which is the best machine to hit to attract a woman?

He pointed outside and said The ATM

An attractive young woman goes to a mystic guru

An attractive young woman goes to a mystic guru and says: Oh great guru, please cure me of my ailment guruji! As the woman was attractive, the mystic guru said I will cure you my child, but as token of you gratitude, you must go to bed with me.

She agreed, and the guru had the best sex of his life with the woman.

Then the guru asked Tell me, my child. what is your ailment? . I have AIDS replied the woman.


An attractive man and a blonde meet in an elevator...

"Where are we heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood"

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $30."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."

The woman slightly annoyed gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she mumbles with her mouth full.

How do attractive men pay for things?

They handsome money to the cashier

Guy walks into a gym

He asks the manager which machine he could use that would attract the most women.

The manager points to the ATM.

A man is kissing a tractor

A man is kissing and hugging a tractor
Another man goes up to him and says "what on earth are you doing to this tractor" the man replies explaining that him and his wife are having some marriage problems so a friend said that he should do some sexy thing to a tractor. (Attract her)

First time posting ever, sorry for any mistakes.

Confession

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confessional booth and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally,the drunk replies:"No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

I saw a very attractive guy spank his child after he threw his fries on the ground

I also threw my fries on the ground.

All the girls I date are unemployed, drunk, and are on drugs.

I'm starting to think this whole opposites attract thing is bullshit.

An attractive woman was reading The History of Penises on the bus the other day...

... I struck up a conversations opening with "That seems interesting"

She responds: "It really is! Did you know that Native Americans have the longest penises in the world? And Poles the girthiest!"

She extends her hand, I grab it and say... "Tonto Polanski, pleasure to meet you"


Who is the most attractive Greek mythological figure?

I don't know about you, but Medusa always gets me rock hard.

How does a mummy attract a mate?

Pharaoh moans.

A few electrons are having a party

When suddenly, an uninvited proton enters, and since opposites attract, all the electrons get stuck to him. Unable to pull themselves away from the gatecrasher, they scream for help. A mystery stranger hears their cries, jumps in, pulls all the electrons off and throws the proton out of the premises. The grateful electrons ask their saviour to identify himself. Mysteriously, he pulls down his hat and answers:

"Bond. Covalent Bond."

A rather attractive woman after having been in the Pub awhile, goes up to the bar of this small rural Pub.

She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies toilet".

Who is the most attractive person in the world ?

Magneto

If your phone gets wet, try placing it in a bag of rice...

... at night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

The most attractive part of Amy Schumer is....

Her Gravitational pull.

Wet phone solution.

Person 1: If you drop your phone into some water, fill a bag with rice and put the phone in the bag and sit it on the kitchen bench overnight.
During the night, the rice will attract asians who will fix your broken electronics.

Person 2: Dude, that's not how it works. They would eat the rice too.

An attractive middle-aged woman sits at a bar...

... she orders a drink and a man sits beside her. They are both looking rather glum so she asks him what's the matter. He replies that he has a large chicken farm but none of the hens are laying fertile eggs, if this continues he will be out of business very soon. The man notices the woman is rather upset too, so he asks what her woes are. She says with a sigh 'I am just like one of your chickens' and continues to explain that for many years she and her ungrateful husband had tried to have a child, nothing had worked. They sit in silence for a short time, the woman looks at the man and asks if there is anything he can do to fix his chicken problem. He replies, 'I suppose I could try changing cocks' she winks at him, ' I suppose I could try that too'

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled "The Milky Bars are on me!", people just cheered.

Why do neckbeards regularly expose themselves to illness?

Because it will attract Ma'ladies.

How did the Royal Navy attract so many recruits?

They were impressive!

How do mummies attract mates?

Pharaoh-mones!

They say a man's attractiveness is tied to his chess ability...

Unfortunately, I'm really bad at mating.

An attractive co-worker that I've been working with for 3 years confessed to me today, but I rejected her.

One way to spot a woman with low standards is when they start liking me.

Joke my math professor told me today.

A man and his wife are having trouble with their marriage. They fight all the time and they have been continually becoming less physical. The man decides to visit his pastor on the subject. To which the minister proclaims, "You have to do something nice to attract her." The man responds, "Are you sure this will work?" and the pastor persists, "Yes, just do something nice to attract her, it will work I promise." And so the man goes home to get ready. Hours later, the wife comes home to find her husband with candles lit, and her husband slowly waxing his John Deere in the kitchen. She screams, "What are you doing?!" to which he replies "IM SAVING OUR MARRIAGE MARCIA! Pastor told me to do something nice to a tractor."

Why did the polish person marry someone from the other side of the country?

Because opposite poles attract

LPT: If you accidentally get your phone wet, leave it inside a bag of rice overnight.

At night, the rice will attract Asians who will come and fix your phone for you.

How do you attract perverts to something?

Stick a NSFW tag on it

Why do people love their smartphones so much?

Because opposites attract. (Told to me by 2 students today, loved it!)

What's the most attractive law of science?

Gravity.

Everything falls for it.

You may become more attractive

If you eat magnets

If you drop your cellphone in water put it in a bowl of rice...

It will attract an Asian who will fix it for you. (just heard from buddy of mine)

I went to the local gym.

And asked the manager which one of these machines should I work out on to attract me a woman the fastest.

He pointed over at the ATM!

When your phone is wet, put it in a bag of rice

...the rice will attract Asians, and they will proceed to fix your phone.

An attractive student goes up to her young professor...

and she says to him "I want an A for this semester!"

He says "No."

She then says "Please... I will do *anything* to get an A..."

The professor's expression softens. "Anything...?"

The student nods.

The professor says "So would you like to... study?"

I must be attracted to very cerebral women

because every woman I ask out says she needs to think about it.

A family of cockroaches has been traveling up and down the Vegas strip for several months.

Their time was spent visiting the many hotels and resorts that Vegas has to offer.

They only stayed at each hotel for a few weeks before moving on, because they didnt want to attract the attention of exterminators. However, by the third month of this nomadic lifestyle, the parent roaches started disagreeing on what their next move was.

Mother cockroach- well honey, I really do think we should keep moving! traveling this much isn't good for the kids! how do you think they feel, having to switch roach schools every few weeks?!

papa roach- this is my last resort

How do werewolves attract mates?

They *awoooo* them

If you ever get your phone wet, put it in a bag of rice

It will attract an Asian, who will then fix it.

Economic research

Economists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the least principle attract the most interest.

A friend wondered how to be popular with the ladies.

A friend asked my what he could do to attract the ladies like me. I gave him a look over and said that he should stick a potato down his pants. He said he'd try it and left.

A few days later he came back and said, "I put a potato down my pants like you suggested and the ladies still aren't interested in me."

I gave him a look and said, "The potato goes in the front!"

Attractive. Brainy. Romantic. Faithful. Makes good food. Gives great head.

-- Online dating profile of a male praying mantis.

My feet are so big

That they attract everything within two feet.

A very attractive woman walked into a bar

Asked everyone what they wanted to drink, everyone wanted two liquor

Sad News.....

At the Nestle factory today a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered.

I'm attracted to you...

and the laws of gravity say that you're attracted to me, too.

What is the most attractive seat on an airplane?

6C

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...

She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

Actually, no". the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't." breathes the bartender. "Is there anything *I* can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message." she continues, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

If someone is attracted to The Fonz...

does that make them ayy-sexual ?

Why couldn't the bowling club attract any good players?

They said 3 strikes you're out.

How did Tutankhamun attract the ladies?

With his Pharaohmones

"Why does this pornstar attract a lot of fans"

They just keep coming to her

How attractive are you in the restroom?

You're an eight!

The Night's Watch opens a drinking establishment to attract new brothers.

They call it the Crow Bar.

How attractive are skeletons?

They're drop dead gorgeous!

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes