The Best 43 Attorney Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Attorney jokes. There are some attorney lawyer jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these attorney a mafia attorney puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Attorney Jokes and Puns

A funeral stone: This is where rests in peace an attorney, a good and honorable man

A guy passing buy is shocked: " Wow! I never knew they can bury 3 people in the same grave."

What's the difference between an attorney and a herd of buffalo?

The attorney charges more.

How Do You Start a Flood?

An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean.

The attorney said, I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything.

The puzzled attorney asked, How do you start a flood?

Attorney joke, How Do You Start a Flood?

Asiana Airlines will be filing a lawsuit against KTVU for its inappropriate and racist names that were falsely broadcasted mid day Friday 7/12...

....said Asiana's attorney Wi Su Yu

A man is waiting in line and sees another man...

He says, "excuse me sir, are you an attorney?"

The other man says, "yes. I am."

The first man says, "what is your fee?"

The attorney says, "$400 per four questions."

The man says, "isn't that terribly expensive?"

"yes." says the attorney. "what is your fourth question?"


An attorney called the governor just after midnight,...

...insisting that he talk to him urgently. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Jones has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

Replied the governor: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."

How does an attorney go to sleep?

First he lies on one side, then the other!!

Attorney joke, How does an attorney go to sleep?

I have a problem with taking things literally.

My attorney advises me that it's called 'theft'.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?

An offer you can't understand.

I'm an attorney working on my fifth freelance project.

That guy really needs to stop getting arrested.

Brainless Lawyers

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."

You can explore attorney client reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean attorney counsel dad jokes. There are also attorney puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A grade school teacher asks her students what their parents do for a living.

Billy proudly stands up and announces, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher is aghast and promptly changes the subject. Later that day, she calls Billy's mother and explains what Billy said.

Billy's mother says, "Actually, his father's an attorney, but how can we explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

Apparently Aaron Hernandez misunderstood his attorney when his lawyer told him to...

hang in there

What do attorneys and sperm have in common?

1 out of 3 million has the potential to be a human being

A lawyer and a doctor area at a cocktail party

A person comes up to the doctor and asks about a symptom he's been having lately. The gives him some advice and turns to the lawyer.

It's always awkward when people ask me for my professional opinion in a casual setting. Do you think it's ok if I charge them?

Absolutely says the lawyer. I think it's perfectly fine.

The following week the doctor then gets a bill from the attorney.

Attorney: My client is trapped in a penny

Judge: What?

Attorney: He's in a cent.

Attorney joke, Attorney: My client is trapped in a penny

Jewish Judge

Taking his seat in his chambers, the smart, HONEST Jewish Judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So, the Judge said, I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers became uncomfortable.

" You, attorney John, gave me $ 50,000 and you, attorney Sam, gave me $ 60,000."

The judge now reached into his pocket and pulled out $ 10,000, He handed it to attorney Sam and said...

"Now that I'm returning $ 10,000, we're going to decide this case solely on its merits.

Last night I slept like an attorney.

First I'd lie one side, then I'd lie on the other.

Did any news come out of Attorney General Jeff Sessions testimony?

I don't recall.


An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor.

The doctor says, 'We have three possible donors.

One is a young, healthy athlete.

The second is a middleaged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practising law for 30 years.'

'I'll take the lawyer's heart,' says the patient.

'Why?' asks the doctor.

The patient replies, 'It's never been used.'

A man gets a call from a divorce attorney

He says "I'm with your wife right now. She's taking all of it."

The man says, "Pssh. There's nothing to take!"

The attorney replies, "nine inches isn't nothing."

I lost 130 pounds this year

And my boat, my house, and 50% of everything I'll make til the kids are 18. My divorce attorney sucks.

M.A.G.A.

My Attorney Got Arrested

no further questions, your honor

Attorney: Why didn't you help, when this total stranger beat up your wife ?

Culprit: I thought, he would be able to do it alone.

What do attorneys wear to court?

Lawsuits!

Baby, are you a Caucasian teen with connected parents on trial for DUI manslaughter defended by a high powered attorney?

'Cause you got FINE written all over you.

The attorney tells his client the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."

"What's the bad news?" asks the accused.

"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."

"What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is 130."

Why did Jesse James take the BAR exam?

So he could be an attorney out-law.

The attorney filed a motion for a new trial. The judge barked angrily "On what grounds!?"

"Your honor," the lawyer explained, "my client has discovered some money that I didn't know he had."

What do you call an attorney with an IQ of 50?

Your Honor.

Judge going through the file of an accused

Judge: So what's your Name?
Accused: Mr. Fallchurges, your Honor. First name is Freo.
Judge: So you're Freo Fallchurges.
Accused: *standing up* Thank you, Your Honor.
Attorney: Heck, we almost got him this time

A person in the interrogation room will not speak without his attorney present.

Officer: Sir, y*ou're* the lawyer, don't you know?

Lawyer: Yes, but where's my present?

Funny Courtroom Transcript

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

My wife is divorcing me because I refused to buy her some new bras.

Her attorney calls it failure to support .

The other day, I got bitten by a radioactive lawyer...

...I now have the power of attorney.

The lawyer and the witness

The lawyer paced before the witness in the stand.

Would you tell the court at what time the murder occurred?

The witness tapped her chin, I think -

We aren't interested in what you think, said the attorney. We only want the *facts*.

The witness frowned. I'll give them to you but I can't talk without thinking. I'm not a lawyer, you know!

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, ''I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.''

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, ''So, what's the catch?''

what do you call an asexual lawyer?

an ace attorney

An Attorney and a Doctor in court...

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Doctor: No.

Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?

Doctor: No.

Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Doctor: No.

Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

Doctor: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

Doctor: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

Rich man arrested for murder

A rich man is arrested for murder finds an Attorney that says

" Rich people don't to jail, You have too much money to go to jail, I'll represent you"

It was long drawn out trial, and when his client was convicted, the lawyer made sure he didn't have any money left.

Defense!



In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart? Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing? Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere!

And elderly couple...

hire an attorney and tell him they want to get divorced. He looks at them in shocked disbelief and exclaims, "Henry! Dorothy! You are both in your 90s. You've been married for 72 years. Why do you want a divorce now?"

Dorothy looks him in the eye and says, "It's been awful, but we wanted to wait until the children were dead."

Sue reports for jury duty as ordered.

She promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudiced. "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."

"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the attorney culprit jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working attorney solicitor piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes