Attorney Jokes

Following is our collection of client funnies and lawyer chistes working better than reddit jokes. They include Attorney puns for adults, dirty counsel jokes or clean a mafia attorney gags for kids.

There is an abundance of culprit jokes out there, and you're fortunate because we've a collection of favorite ones. Check out the funniest 43 jokes on the internet, even funnier than any solicitor witze you can hear about attorney.

The Best jokes about Attorney

What do attorneys and sperm have in common?

1 out of 3 million has the potential to be a human being

Judge going through the file of an accused

Judge: So what's your Name?
Accused: Mr. Fallchurges, your Honor. First name is Freo.
Judge: So you're Freo Fallchurges.
Accused: *standing up* Thank you, Your Honor.
Attorney: Heck, we almost got him this time

A grade school teacher asks her students what their parents do for a living.

Billy proudly stands up and announces, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."


The teacher is aghast and promptly changes the subject. Later that day, she calls Billy's mother and explains what Billy said.


Billy's mother says, "Actually, his father's an attorney, but how can we explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

How does an attorney go to sleep?

First he lies on one side, then the other!!

Attorney: My client is trapped in a penny

Judge: What?

Attorney: He's in a cent.


Jewish Judge

Taking his seat in his chambers, the smart, HONEST Jewish Judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So, the Judge said, I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers became uncomfortable.

" You, attorney John, gave me $ 50,000 and you, attorney Sam, gave me $ 60,000."

The judge now reached into his pocket and pulled out $ 10,000, He handed it to attorney Sam and said...

"Now that I'm returning $ 10,000, we're going to decide this case solely on its merits.

A farmer walked into an attorneys office...



A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, May I help you?

The farmer said, Yeah. I want to get one of those dee-vorces.

The attorney asked, Well, do you have any grounds?

The farmer replied, Yeah. I got about 140 acres.

The attorney said, No, you don't understand. Do you have a case?

The farmer said, No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere.

The attorney said, No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?

The farmer said, Yeah, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere.

The attorney said, No, sir, I mean do you have a suit?

The farmer said, Yessir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.

The exasperated attorney said, Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?

The farmer said, No, sir, we both get up about 4:30.

Finally, the attorney asked, Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?

And the farmer replied, Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her!

A farmer walks into a lawyers office...

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for
a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

Farmer: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."

Attorney: "well do you have any grounds?"

Farmer: "Yea, I got about 140 acres."


Attorney: " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

Farmer: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."


Attorney: "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

Farmer: "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."


Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Farmer: "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wears it to church on Sundees."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat
you up or anything?"

"No sir, we both get up about 4:30." replies the farmer.

All out of ideas the lawyer asks "Sir, is she a nagger or anything?"

The farmer says, "No, she's a white gal, but our last child was a nagger and thats why I want a dayvorce."

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked…

'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

How Do You Start a Flood?

An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean.

The attorney said, I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything.

The puzzled attorney asked, How do you start a flood?

Asiana Airlines will be filing a lawsuit against KTVU for its inappropriate and racist names that were falsely broadcasted mid day Friday 7/12...

....said Asiana's attorney Wi Su Yu


A Nagging Wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his death row client.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet and said "They're not hanging Wright tonight!"

He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

Trial in a small town.

In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded "why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me." She continued "You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."


The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"


She again replied "why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."


At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counsellors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."

Brainless Lawyers

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."

Last night I slept like an attorney.

First I'd lie one side, then I'd lie on the other.

A teacher was arrested because he attempted to board a flight while possessing a ruler, protractor, and calculator...

(sorry it's *slightly* outdated but funny nonetheless)

A teacher was arrested because he attempted to board a flight while possessing a ruler, protractor, and calculator. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man's a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. The man's been charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Al-gebra is a problem for us, Gonzales said. Its followers desire solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns,' but we've determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval, with coordinates in every country.

When asked to comment on the arrest, George W. Bush said, If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He'd have given us more fingers and toes. Aides told reporters they couldn't recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

A man is waiting in line and sees another man...

He says, "excuse me sir, are you an attorney?"

The other man says, "yes. I am."

The first man says, "what is your fee?"

The attorney says, "$400 per four questions."

The man says, "isn't that terribly expensive?"

"yes." says the attorney. "what is your fourth question?"

Blonde Witness

A blonde named Edna had to appear in court as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor asked her, "Where were you the night of 5th September?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "It's irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said Edna from the witness stand. "I can answer that question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said Edna. "I don't mind giving the answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of 5th September?"

Edna replied brightly, "I don't know."

Redneck Divorce

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.

Attorney: "May I help you?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".

Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."

Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."

Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."

Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."


The Art Colletor

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector calledΒ his client and said to him, "Saul, I have some good news
and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear theΒ good news first."

The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and sheΒ informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that sheΒ thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliantΒ businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handleΒ the bad news. What is it?"

The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

A attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Paul, I have good news and bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $1-2 million. I think she could be right."

Paul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

Trust Issues

A rich polish man leaves his homeland to start over in America and find love.

After a year in the states and building a successful business, he meets a woman who he falls in love with and they get married.

After 2 months of being married and living together the polish man goes to see a divorce attorney.

He tells the attorney he needs to file for divorce out of fear that his wife is trying to steal his money.

The attorney says "Okay, why do you think she is trying to steal your money?"
"She's trying to kill me!"

"Sir, that's a serious accusation! Do you have any proof of this?"
"Well when I was in the bathroom, I opened her drawer and I saw a bottle that said 'Polish Remover'!"

A farmer walks into a lawyer's office

wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

Farmer: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."

Attorney: "well do you have any grounds?"

Farmer: "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

Attorney: " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

Farmer: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

Attorney: "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

Farmer: "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

Farmer: "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wears it to church on Sundees."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

"No sir, we both get up about 4:30am." replies the farmer.

All out of ideas the lawyer asks "Sir, is she a nagger or anything?"

The farmer says, "No, she's a white gal, but our last child was a nagger and thats why I want a dayvorce."

What's the difference between an attorney and a herd of buffalo?

The attorney charges more.

Apparently Aaron Hernandez misunderstood his attorney when his lawyer told him to...

hang in there

A man gets a call from a divorce attorney

He says "I'm with your wife right now. She's taking all of it."

The man says, "Pssh. There's nothing to take!"

The attorney replies, "nine inches isn't nothing."

Grandmas and lawyers

Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren't prepared for the answer!

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney (the opponent's lawyer)?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. ..Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to jail for contempt of court !!!"

A lawyer and a doctor area at a cocktail party

A person comes up to the doctor and asks about a symptom he's been having lately. The gives him some advice and turns to the lawyer.

It's always awkward when people ask me for my professional opinion in a casual setting. Do you think it's ok if I charge them?

Absolutely says the lawyer. I think it's perfectly fine.

The following week the doctor then gets a bill from the attorney.

I have a problem with taking things literally.

My attorney advises me that it's called 'theft'.

A heart transplant

A patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in a car accident, the 2nd is a 35 year old businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"
"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy," said the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

Art Collector

An attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $5-10 million. I think she could be right."

Paul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

The attorney filed a motion for a new trial. The judge barked angrily "On what grounds!?"

"Your honor," the lawyer explained, "my client has discovered some money that I didn't know he had."

An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor.

The doctor says, 'We have three possible donors.

One is a young, healthy athlete.

The second is a middleaged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practising law for 30 years.'

'I'll take the lawyer's heart,' says the patient.

'Why?' asks the doctor.

The patient replies, 'It's never been used.'

My wife is divorcing me because I refused to buy her some new bras.

Her attorney calls it failure to support .

The attorney tells his client the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."

"What's the bad news?" asks the accused.

"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."

"What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is 130."

Did any news come out of Attorney General Jeff Sessions testimony?

I don't recall.

I lost 130 pounds this year

And my boat, my house, and 50% of everything I'll make til the kids are 18. My divorce attorney sucks.

The other day, I got bitten by a radioactive lawyer...

...I now have the power of attorney.

The lawyer and the witness

The lawyer paced before the witness in the stand.

Would you tell the court at what time the murder occurred?

The witness tapped her chin, I think -

We aren't interested in what you think, said the attorney. We only want the *facts*.

The witness frowned. I'll give them to you but I can't talk without thinking. I'm not a lawyer, you know!

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

"Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

What do attorneys wear to court?

Lawsuits!

M.A.G.A.

My Attorney Got Arrested

A funeral stone: This is where rests in peace an attorney, a good and honorable man

A guy passing buy is shocked: " Wow! I never knew they can bury 3 people in the same grave."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes