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Attorney Jokes

111 attorney jokes and hilarious attorney puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about attorney that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Laugh at some of the best attorney jokes. See how attorney roles such as a witness, attorney general, birthday, advocate, honor, and client are used in a humorous and light-hearted way.

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Funniest Attorney Short Jokes

Short attorney jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The attorney humour may include short lawyer jokes also.

  1. Asiana Airlines will be filing a lawsuit against KTVU for its inappropriate and racist names that were falsely broadcasted mid day Friday 7/12... ....said Asiana's attorney Wi Su Yu
  2. What's the difference between an attorney and a herd of buffalo? The attorney charges more.
  3. Apparently Aaron Hernandez misunderstood his attorney when his lawyer told him to... hang in there
  4. I have a problem with taking things literally. My attorney advises me that it's called 'theft'.
  5. The attorney filed a motion for a new trial. The judge barked angrily "On what grounds!?" "Your honor," the lawyer explained, "my client has discovered some money that I didn't know he had."
  6. My wife is divorcing me because I refused to buy her some new bras. Her attorney calls it failure to support .
  7. The other day, I got bitten by a radioactive lawyer... ...I now have the power of attorney.
  8. Nguyen and Nguyen, Attorneys at Law "It's always a win-win with us!"
  9. I'm an attorney working on my fifth freelance project. That guy really needs to stop getting arrested.
  10. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.

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Attorney One Liners

Which attorney one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with attorney? I can suggest the ones about defense lawyer and lawyer doctor.

  1. What do you call a priest that becomes an attorney? Father-in-Law.
  2. How do you stop a lawyer from bleeding out? Attorney kit.
  3. How does an attorney go to sleep? First he lies on one side, then the other!!
  4. Attorney: My client is trapped in a penny Judge: What?
    Attorney: He's in a cent.
  5. Last night I slept like an attorney. First I'd lie one side, then I'd lie on the other.
  6. What do you call the priest who became an attorney? Father-in-law
  7. Why are there no Irish attorneys? None of them can pass the Bar.
  8. M.A.G.A. My Attorney Got Arrested
  9. what do you call an asexual lawyer? an ace attorney
  10. How does a lawyer stop the bleeding?
    With Attorney-kit.
  11. Did any news come out of Attorney General Jeff Sessions testimony? I don't recall.
  12. My wife's parents are both attorneys. I hate it when the at-laws come to visit.
  13. What do lawyers do with a injured leg They put it in attorney-quet.
  14. What do attorneys wear to court? Lawsuits!
  15. Where there's a will... There's always a couple of attorneys trying to contest it.

Defense Attorney Jokes

Here is a list of funny defense attorney jokes and even better defense attorney puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • As a defense attorney for ED malpractice suits, I had a terrific strategy. . . but it didn't stand up in court.
  • Rudy Giuliani is such a bad defense attorney that..... He would have gotten an innocent WHITE man convicted.

    Or you could say,

    He would have gotten Brock Turner jail time.
  • What do you call a lawyer with a black belt in karate? A self defense attorney!
  • One of my patients took me to Sioux City Now Iowa defense attorney a lot of money.
  • What do Defense Attorneys and s**... Workers have in common? They both are paid to get people off.
  • criminal defense attorneys are like w**... Their only job is to get you off...
  • I won my first case as a defense attorney. My client was mute and accused of m**.... His testimony proved to be a sufficient grunt for dismissal.
  • What is a defense attorney's favorite k**...? Getting off on a technicality.

Attorney Witness Jokes

Here is a list of funny attorney witness jokes and even better attorney witness puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Attorney "when is your birthday?" Witness "July 26th"
    Attorney "What year?"
    Witness "Every year"

Prosecuting Attorney Jokes

Here is a list of funny prosecuting attorney jokes and even better prosecuting attorney puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What did the attorney say when the judge asked him why he has sleeping in court? The prosecution rests, your honor.

Attorney General Jokes

Here is a list of funny attorney general jokes and even better attorney general puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did the US Attorney General just talk to the Russians... Or did he have Sessions with them?
Attorney joke, Did the US Attorney General just talk to the Russians...

Comedy Attorney Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle

What funny jokes about attorney you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean trial lawyer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make attorney pranks.

Q: How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

The attorney tells the accused, "

I have some good news and some bad news."
"What's the bad news?" asks the accused.
"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."
"What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is 130."

Tip: when making a s**... tape, play Disney music in the background.

That way, if it ever gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.

A f**... stone: This is where rests in peace an attorney, a good and honorable man

A guy passing buy is shocked: " Wow! I never knew they can bury 3 people in the same grave."

How Do You Start a Flood?

An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean.
The attorney said, I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything.
The puzzled attorney asked, How do you start a flood?

A man is waiting in line and sees another man...

He says, "excuse me sir, are you an attorney?"
The other man says, "yes. I am."
The first man says, "what is your fee?"
The attorney says, "$400 per four questions."
The man says, "isn't that terribly expensive?"
"yes." says the attorney. "what is your fourth question?"

An attorney called the governor just after midnight,...

...insisting that he talk to him urgently. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Jones has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
Replied the governor: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."

Lawyer Joke

* A lawyer is meeting with his client after a negotiation fell through. The lawyer says "so I've got some good news and some bad news. Which do you want to hear first?
*The client says "I guess good news first."
*The lawyer responded "the negotiations fell through and we need to go to trial. This'll probably take years and cost you thousands in attorney's fees."
*"So wait, what's the good news."
*"Wait, did I say there was bad news?"

What's a divorce attorney's favorite dessert?

Wedding cake

Brainless Lawyers

In a m**... trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"
"No."
"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."

Did you hear about the d**... who was also a Bankruptcy Attorney?

All of her customers were strapped for cash

A grade school teacher asks her students what their parents do for a living.

Billy proudly stands up and announces, "My daddy plays piano in a w**...."
The teacher is aghast and promptly changes the subject. Later that day, she calls Billy's mother and explains what Billy said.
Billy's mother says, "Actually, his father's an attorney, but how can we explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

Where there's a will, there's a...

probate attorney.

What do attorneys and s**... have in common?

1 out of 3 million has the potential to be a human being

We truly are living in an alternate timeline.

I was sure the Deputy District Attorney's name was Rod Rosen**stain**.

What do you call an outlaw who's had s**... with an attorney?

An inlaw

A lawyer and a doctor area at a cocktail party

A person comes up to the doctor and asks about a symptom he's been having lately. The gives him some advice and turns to the lawyer.
It's always awkward when people ask me for my professional opinion in a casual setting. Do you think it's ok if I charge them?
Absolutely says the lawyer. I think it's perfectly fine.
The following week the doctor then gets a bill from the attorney.

Government and attorneys are the same.

Everyone hates them until you need one.

Jewish Judge

Taking his seat in his chambers, the smart, HONEST Jewish Judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So, the Judge said, I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers became uncomfortable.

" You, attorney John, gave me $ 50,000 and you, attorney Sam, gave me $ 60,000."

The judge now reached into his pocket and pulled out $ 10,000, He handed it to attorney Sam and said...

"Now that I'm returning $ 10,000, we're going to decide this case solely on its merits.

An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor.

The doctor says, 'We have three possible donors.
One is a young, healthy athlete.
The second is a middleaged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practising law for 30 years.'
'I'll take the lawyer's heart,' says the patient.
'Why?' asks the doctor.
The patient replies, 'It's never been used.'

Why is everyone criticising Aji Pai?

I've only ever known Aji Pai as an American attorney as the Chairman of United States FCC who makes the best decisions. Aji Pai has always had my enjoyment as their primary concern and their community involvement is phenomenal.
($50 has been deposited into your Paypal account, remember to delete this part of the message before posting it).

A man gets a call from a divorce attorney

He says "I'm with your wife right now. She's taking all of it."
The man says, "Pssh. There's nothing to take!"
The attorney replies, "nine inches isn't nothing."

I lost 130 pounds this year

And my boat, my house, and 50% of everything I'll make til the kids are 18. My divorce attorney s**....

no further questions, your honor

Attorney: Why didn't you help, when this total stranger beat up your wife ?
Culprit: I thought, he would be able to do it alone.

Baby, are you a Caucasian teen with connected parents on trial for DUI manslaughter defended by a high powered attorney?

'Cause you got FINE written all over you.

The attorney tells his client the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."

"What's the bad news?" asks the accused.
"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."
"What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is 130."

Why did Jesse James take the BAR exam?

So he could be an attorney out-law.

What do you call an attorney with an IQ of 50?

Your Honor.

Judge going through the file of an accused

Judge: So what's your Name?
Accused: Mr. Fallchurges, your Honor. First name is Freo.
Judge: So you're Freo Fallchurges.
Accused: *standing up* Thank you, Your Honor.
Attorney: Heck, we almost got him this time

Buddy Hackett duck joke

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded,
"I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied,
"This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said,
"I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,
"Okay, you old f**.... Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

What did the judge say to the hot lawyer?

You're attorney-ing me on.

Today is the best day for my buddy who's divorce attorney

He send out thousands of cards saying:
Love you! Miss you!
You know who!

A person in the interrogation room will not speak without his attorney present.

Officer: Sir, y*ou're* the lawyer, don't you know?
Lawyer: Yes, but where's my present?

What do you call a four-sided figure that works for an attorney?

A paralegalgram.

Did you hear about the surrealist painter's mom who was an attorney and was super enlightened?

They call her the Dali law ma.

Funny Courtroom Transcript

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

An asexual lawyer

Otherwise known as an ace attorney.

A dog became a successful lawyer, but has a rivalry with an attorney. One day, the attorney won and the judge threw out the case.

The dog said, "Don't worry, I brought it back to him."

The lawyer and the witness

The lawyer paced before the witness in the stand.
Would you tell the court at what time the m**... occurred?
The witness tapped her chin, I think -
We aren't interested in what you think, said the attorney. We only want the *facts*.
The witness frowned. I'll give them to you but I can't talk without thinking. I'm not a lawyer, you know!

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, ''I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.''
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, ''So, what's the catch?''

An Attorney and a Doctor in court...

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Doctor: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Doctor: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Doctor: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Doctor: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Doctor: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

Rich man arrested for m**...

A rich man is arrested for m**... finds an Attorney that says
" Rich people don't to jail, You have too much money to go to jail, I'll represent you"
It was long drawn out trial, and when his client was convicted, the lawyer made sure he didn't have any money left.

Defense!


In a m**... trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart? Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing? Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere!

And elderly couple...

hire an attorney and tell him they want to get divorced. He looks at them in shocked disbelief and exclaims, "Henry! Dorothy! You are both in your 90s. You've been married for 72 years. Why do you want a divorce now?"
Dorothy looks him in the eye and says, "It's been awful, but we wanted to wait until the children were dead."

Sue reports for jury duty as ordered.

She promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudiced. "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."
"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."

The Lawyer

Satan appears before a lawyer and says, "I will make a deal with you. You will become the most successful attorney who has ever lived. You will be rich beyond imagination, and known to everyone on the planet. You will be appointed to the Supreme Court, and your rulings will be read and studied for decades to come. All I ask in return is the souls of your wife and your three children."
The lawyer sits with his head in his hands, thinking for several minutes. Finally he says, "Okay, what's the catch?"

Two attorneys went into a diner

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.

A personal injury lawyer was on vacation in a small rural town. While walking through the streets, he spotted a car that had just been involved in an accident. As expected, a large crowd gathered

Going by instinct, the attorney was eager to get to the injured, but he couldn't get near the car. Being very clever, he started shouting loudly, Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim. The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey. 

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client....

First the bad news:
The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140."

Judge

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. Isn't it true, he bellowed, that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
The prosecutor again blared, Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, Sir, please answer the question.
Oh, the startled witness said, I thought he was talking to you.

An Elderly Couple Make an Appointment with a Divorce Attorney

The attorney is perplexed:
You're over 90 years old, and you've been married for close to 7 decades! Why, after all this time, do you want a divorce?
The couple look at each other:
We wanted to wait until the kids died.

A very elderly couple

walks into a divorce attorney's office. The attorney asks what he can do for them. They reply that they want to divorce. The attorney asks how long they've been married. 71 years is the answer. Attorney asks why a divorce after so many years of marriage. Husband replies we wanted to wait until all the kids were dead.

An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him.

The Devil made him an offer. I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife's soul, the souls of your children, your parents, grandparents, and those of all the your friends. The lawyer thought about it for a moment, then asked, But what's the catch?

Attorney joke, An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him.

jokes about attorney