Following is our collection of nihilistic humor and mindset one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Attitude puns for adults, dirty cocky jokes or clean stance gags for kids.
There is an abundance of opinion jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 65 funniest jokes on attitude. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any mentality witze you can hear about attitude.
Always walkin around like they rent the place.
Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job.
Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"
Others say it was simply an homage to Apple's attitude towards battery life.
The officer says, "This is the best résumé I've ever seen! There's just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot eight black guys and a cat."
Guy replies "Why the cat?"
Officer says "Great attitude, you're hired!"
So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"
The officer says: Alright, one more thing. Take this gun and go shoot 7 black men and a squirrel.
The man replies: Why the squirrel?
The officer says: I love your attitude, you got the job!
The man quickly takes out his gun and shoots his best friend, killing him. The wife shouts - "If you continue with that attitude you are going to end up with no friends!"
A-mean-o acid.
We had been there a while when two large girls came up to the bar and ordered some drinks. I noticed when they ordered they both had strong accents so I said 'Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?' One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said 'it's WALES you idiot!!!'
So I immediately said 'Sorry, are you two Whales from Scotland?'
But I think his death was a fitting metaphor for apples attitude to battery life.
"If you don't get an attitude adjustment immediately you're going to get grounded."
Thought of being polite, I said 'Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?'
One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said 'it's Wales you idiot'
So I immediately said 'Sorry, are you two Whales from Scotland?'
Long story short, anyone know how to deal with black eyes fast?
The deputy doing the interview says, "Well all of your referrences check out and your qualifications are good. The only thing left is to see how you do on the attitude test."
The deputy slides a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk. "Take this and go shoot 6 illegal Mexicans, 6 black guys, 6 Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."
The guy asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude!", says the deputy. "When can you start?"
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration . . .
"Sonofabitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
...When he passes a policeman. As he walks past, the dog leaps up and bites the copper's hat off, and tears it to pieces.
"Oi!" the policeman says, "You gonna let your dog get away with that?!"
"Ah, he's just a bleedin' dog! Leave it out!" the Londoner replies.
"I don't like your attitude!" the policeman says.
"It wasn't my 'at he chewed, it was YOUR 'at he chewed!"
Three neighbors were discussing the proper position and attitude for prayer. One said, "You should be on your knees with your head bowed in reverence to the Almighty."
The second man spoke up and said, "Remember that you were created in God's image. The position in which to pray is to stand up looking into the heavens into the face of God and talk to Him as a child to his father."
The third man spoke up and said, "I don't know about those positions, but the finest praying I ever did was upside down in a well."
She desperately wanted a pair of beautiful alligator shoes.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration .....Son-of-a-bitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO !
The officer says, "Take this pistol and shoot A TALL BLACK GUY AND THREE WHITE RABBITS."
So the candidate asks,"why the three white rabbits?".
Officer"that's the kind of attitude we're looking for. You're selected".
I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!
For some reason, she woke up bald and in a bad attitude
The inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen! Just one more thing: take this gun and shoot 6 black men and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" the man replies.
"Good attitude, you've got the job!"
Nope, I'm calling ovary acting.
All it takes is a respectful attitude, a low key vibe, a breezy sense of humour, a nice beard, duct tape, and a baseball bat.
Her attitude is always salty, but hey, her booty is sodium fine.
On their wedding night as the recently married couple undress, the groom takes his pants off and hands them to her.
"Try them on"
"They're too big"
"Exactly and now you know who wears the pants"
She then takes off her panties and tosses them to him.
"Put them on"
"I can't get in them. They're too small"
"And you won't be getting in them until you change your attitude"
Late in the night he regained consciousness.
He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply,
"Can I feel your tits, then?"
That, my friends, is a positive attitude!
A sour Kraut.
The young man wasn't terribly good, but he had a rather high opinion of his abilities. In a practice duel with the instructor, he was continually waving his sword about arrogantly, in wide strokes, and often leaving himself wide open to attack.
The instructor thought "he won't last five minutes with that attitude, so I need to scare it out of him. But I don't want to hurt the poor kid too badly."
The instructor feinted.
A sass-squatch.
The girl from GA arrives to the dorm room and finds the CT girl with her parents hanging drapes. The GA girl says "Hi, y'all! Where y'all from?" The CT girl, in a snobbish northeast attitude replies, "We're from a place where we don't end sentences in prepositions." The GA smiles politely and responds, "Beg my pardon. Where y'all from...cunt?"
Props to House of Cards for this joke, although I'm sure it's been done before.
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Off-Putin.
That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.
He had a few too many when he saw three obese girls come up to the bartender and order some drinks. The man noticed they had strong accents, which grabbed his attention.
The women were there for a while and were quite loud and a bit rude. Feeling rather buzzed, the man looked over to the girls and said "Hi, um, are you girls from Scotland?" One of them spoke up, with a loud, nasty attitude and said "It's WALES you idiot!!!"
The man apologized with a little slur and said "I'm so sorry, are you Whales from Scotland?'
A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriffs Dept. was being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a Smith and Wesson 45 pistol across the desk, he says to the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" the man asked.
"That's the attitude we're looking for." said the Sergeant, "When can you start?"
But I just don't care
... but I don't care.
How many more times are my kids going to ask me if I know where something is before they realize they're asking the wrong parent?
The Boss of our small company was complaining during a staff meeting that people didn't respect him enough. Trying to change the attitude in the office he came in the next day with a sign for his door it said, I am the boss .
One of the employees apparently not appreciating the change posted a post-a-note on the sign it said your wife wants her sign back
Amino acid
1st year - People are so good to me. I feel I am respected a lot! Friends are bliss!
2nd year - People are distancing from me. I guess they don't like me. I've to find new people I suppose.
3rd year - Should I change my attitude to get friends? I don't know why I get cheated everytime I trust someone.
4th year - Who needs friends? People are useless. Solitude is the best.
An isasceles triangle
An a-mean-o acid, but the sour-foul-ric acids are the worst.
Do it with SAS.
My dogs don't even own bikes...
She kept yelling "Be Positive" throughout the whole ordeal. I still don't know how she kept such a positive attitude all the way until the end.
Pestomistic
A condescending con descending.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If I tell you I'm thinking about you, don't get too excited, because I'm also thinking about nachos.
I'm drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that's how they'll look 90% of the time.
Trump: How much is 2 + 2?
You: How much do you want it to be?
Trump: That's the kind of winning attitude I demand, welcome to my team!
A lot of nervous build up before hand, performance is rushed and the end results are often disappointing.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.