The Best 68 Attitude Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Attitude jokes. There are some attitude mindset jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these attitude stance puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Attitude Jokes and Puns
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
God gave us the brain to work out problems. However, we use it to create more problems.
My five year plan? I don't even have a five minute plan.
Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.
Can I borrow a kiss? I promise I'll give it back.
The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.
Think Im Sarcastic? Watch Me Pretend To Care!
Funny how they say we need to talk when they really mean you need to listen.
Like a flat tire.......how I'm rolling this morning.
How many more times are my kids going to ask me if I know where something is before they realize they're asking the wrong parent?
You can explore attitude nihilistic reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean attitude cocky dad jokes. There are also attitude puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I may not be Dairy Queen, baby, but I'll treat you right!
I need hug(e amount of money).
The grass is always greener on the other side because its fertilized with bullshit.
My sexual experiences are much like my exams.
A lot of nervous build up before hand, performance is rushed and the end results are often disappointing.
My dog and I both freak out whenever the doorbell rings but we run in opposite directions.
Sure, I'd love to help you out... now, which way did you come in?
I'm drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that's how they'll look 90% of the time.
Why is a doctor always calm? Because it has a lot of patients.
If I was a dog, and you were a flower, I'd lift up my legs, and give you a shower.
If I tell you I'm thinking about you, don't get too excited, because I'm also thinking about nachos.
2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people:
1.
They would spend it on alcohol.
2. I want to spend it on alcohol.
A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes.
My dogs don't even own bikes...
The possibilities are endless, but I just want the good ones.
Hi, can I follow you home tonight? Sorry, that came out a little strong, my mom always told me to follow my dreams.
I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.
Always walkin around like they rent the place.
People say that Steve Jobs died too soon.
But I think his death was a fitting metaphor for apples attitude to battery life.
A man comes into his bedroom and sees his wife with his best friend in bed
The man quickly takes out his gun and shoots his best friend, killing him. The wife shouts - "If you continue with that attitude you are going to end up with no friends!"
An instructor was teaching a young man how to swordfight.
The young man wasn't terribly good, but he had a rather high opinion of his abilities. In a practice duel with the instructor, he was continually waving his sword about arrogantly, in wide strokes, and often leaving himself wide open to attack.
The instructor thought "he won't last five minutes with that attitude, so I need to scare it out of him. But I don't want to hurt the poor kid too badly."
The instructor feinted.
I blame my parents for my apathetic attitude...
... but I don't care.
Who Is The Real Boss?
The Boss of our small company was complaining during a staff meeting that people didn't respect him enough. Trying to change the attitude in the office he came in the next day with a sign for his door it said, I am the boss .
One of the employees apparently not appreciating the change posted a post-a-note on the sign it said your wife wants her sign back
Russia's attitude towards the West is sometimes...
Off-Putin.
You'd be surprised how easy it is to pick up girls
All it takes is a respectful attitude, a low key vibe, a breezy sense of humour, a nice beard, duct tape, and a baseball bat.
A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.
Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job.
Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"
What do you call a German with a bad attitude?
A sour Kraut.
I was in in the public restroom
I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!
How do you prove triangles congruent with attitude?
Do it with SAS.
A Londoner is walking his dog...
...When he passes a policeman. As he walks past, the dog leaps up and bites the copper's hat off, and tears it to pieces.
"Oi!" the policeman says, "You gonna let your dog get away with that?!"
"Ah, he's just a bleedin' dog! Leave it out!" the Londoner replies.
"I don't like your attitude!" the policeman says.
"It wasn't my 'at he chewed, it was YOUR 'at he chewed!"
A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor
So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"
newlyweds
On their wedding night as the recently married couple undress, the groom takes his pants off and hands them to her.
"Try them on"
"They're too big"
"Exactly and now you know who wears the pants"
She then takes off her panties and tosses them to him.
"Put them on"
"I can't get in them. They're too small"
"And you won't be getting in them until you change your attitude"
I was at the pub the other day, when 2 fat chicks walk in and sit next to me
Thought of being polite, I said 'Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?'
One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said 'it's Wales you idiot'
So I immediately said 'Sorry, are you two Whales from Scotland?'
Long story short, anyone know how to deal with black eyes fast?
So there's this hot NA chick in my chemistry class
Her attitude is always salty, but hey, her booty is sodium fine.
What do you call Bigfoot when he has an attitude?
A sass-squatch.
Some say Steve Jobs died too young.
Others say it was simply an homage to Apple's attitude towards battery life.
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-o acid.
A man applies for a job with the local police.
The officer says, "This is the best résumé I've ever seen! There's just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot eight black guys and a cat."
Guy replies "Why the cat?"
Officer says "Great attitude, you're hired!"
I know that I have an attitude problem
But I just don't care
I was at the bar the other night with my buddy having some beers.....
We had been there a while when two large girls came up to the bar and ordered some drinks. I noticed when they ordered they both had strong accents so I said 'Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?' One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said 'it's WALES you idiot!!!'
So I immediately said 'Sorry, are you two Whales from Scotland?'
An airplane yells at his son
"If you don't get an attitude adjustment immediately you're going to get grounded."
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
Amino acid
A guy applies for a job at the L.A.P.D.
The inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen! Just one more thing: take this gun and shoot 6 black men and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" the man replies.
"Good attitude, you've got the job!"
What do you call Basil, Pine Nuts, and Olive Oil with a bad attitude?
Pestomistic
A man applies for a job as a police officer.
The officer says: Alright, one more thing. Take this gun and go shoot 7 black men and a squirrel.
The man replies: Why the squirrel?
The officer says: I love your attitude, you got the job!
My wife was worried about getting older, so before she woke up on her birthday, I cut off all the white hairs she had.
For some reason, she woke up bald and in a bad attitude
What do you call two acids with an attitude?
An a-mean-o acid, but the sour-foul-ric acids are the worst.
What do you call a triangle with attitude?
An isasceles triangle
My wife died in my arms today because she didn't know her own blood type.
She kept yelling "Be Positive" throughout the whole ordeal. I still don't know how she kept such a positive attitude all the way until the end.
I'm no longer calling period attitude PMS...
Nope, I'm calling ovary acting.
College life for introverts
1st year - People are so good to me. I feel I am respected a lot! Friends are bliss!
2nd year - People are distancing from me. I guess they don't like me. I've to find new people I suppose.
3rd year - Should I change my attitude to get friends? I don't know why I get cheated everytime I trust someone.
4th year - Who needs friends? People are useless. Solitude is the best.
A police officer candidate goes for an interview...
The officer says, "Take this pistol and shoot A TALL BLACK GUY AND THREE WHITE RABBITS."
So the candidate asks,"why the three white rabbits?".
Officer"that's the kind of attitude we're looking for. You're selected".
What Do You Call An Australian With An Attitude Problem?
A Didgeri-douche.
What kills people with an attitude?
An assassin
How to get a position in the Trump Administration
Trump: How much is 2 + 2?
You: How much do you want it to be?
Trump: That's the kind of winning attitude I demand, welcome to my team!
What do you call a prisoner with a snarky attitude going down stairs?
A condescending con descending.
Why did the plane crash?
Because it had a bad attitude.
A man walks in to a bar and hangs his hat and coat on a peg
There's a dog sat in the corner which leaps up grabs the hat and rips it to pieces.
The man turns to the owner of the dog and says: Your dog's just ruined my hat
Dog owner: So what, I couldn't care less.
Man: I don't like your attitude!
Dog owner: It's not my attitude, it's your hat he chewed.
What do you call a 10-strip of LSD with an attitude problem?
A mean-o acid.
A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.
They were appalled at his spiky hair, pierced nose, tattoos and a bad attitude. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Honey," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Of course he is," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the attitude opinion jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working attitude mentality piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.