Attitude Jokes
104 attitude jokes and hilarious attitude puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about attitude that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud with these attitude jokes! From pessimistic to nihilistic, get the funniest attitude status marathi jokes online. They'll make you ahha and leave you in a jolly mood.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Attitude Short Jokes
Short attitude jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The attitude humour may include short personality jokes also.
- I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude. Always walkin around like they rent the place.
- Some say Steve Jobs died too young. Others say it was simply an homage to Apple's attitude towards battery life.
- I'm getting really sick of millennials attitudes lately Walking around like they rent the place.
- People say that Steve Jobs died too soon. But I think his death was a fitting metaphor for apples attitude to battery life.
- An airplane yells at his son "If you don't get an attitude adjustment immediately you're going to get grounded."
- My wife was worried about getting older, so before she woke up on her birthday, I cut off all the white hairs she had. For some reason, she woke up bald and in a bad attitude
- Why did the sun break up with the winter and start dating the spring equinox? Because it was tired of its cold attitude and wanted someone who could really 'light' up its life!
- People are so easily offended these days. That's why I only ever make jokes at the expense of white men, whose thick skins and calmly rational attitudes make them impossible to upset.
- Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.
- How many more times are my kids going to ask me if I know where something is before they realize they're asking the wrong parent?
Share These Attitude Jokes With Friends
Attitude One Liners
Which attitude one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with attitude? I can suggest the ones about inclination and aspect.
- What do you call an acid with an attitude? A-mean-o acid.
- Not just anyone can work at the Mountain Dew factory You gotta have a can dew attitude.
- What do you call Bigfoot when he has an attitude? A sass-squatch.
- Why did the pickle have an attitude? He thought he was a big dill
- Sure, I'd love to help you out... now, which way did you come in?
- Russia's attitude towards the West is sometimes... Off-Putin.
- I know that I have an attitude problem But I just don't care
- I blame my parents for my apathetic attitude... ... but I don't care.
- What do you call an acid with an attitude? Amino acid
- Can I borrow a kiss? I promise I'll give it back.
- The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.
- What do you call a triangle with attitude? An isasceles triangle
- Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
- What do you call Basil, Pine Nuts, and Olive Oil with a bad attitude? Pestomistic
- How do you prove triangles congruent with attitude? Do it with SAS.
Positive Attitude Jokes
Here is a list of funny positive attitude jokes and even better positive attitude puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How to get a position in the Trump Administration Trump: How much is 2 + 2?
You: How much do you want it to be?
Trump: That's the kind of winning attitude I demand, welcome to my team! - I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good! Actually, the full sentence was "You're pretty annoying." but I'm choosing to focus on the positive.
- A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Heartwarming Attitude Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about attitude you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean perspective jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make attitude pranks.
A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.
As they are u**... for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.
"What? Why?" she says.
"Just put them on," he insists.
"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."
"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."
"Got it," she says, slipping off her p**... and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."
He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.
"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your p**...!"
"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."
A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.
Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job.
Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"
Tom was not home at his usual hour and his wife was fuming.
Finally around 3am she heard a noise at the front door and, as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
Do you realise what time it is?!? she stammered.
He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house.
Immediately her attitude changed, and running down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked What did you buy for the house, dear?"
Tom answered A round of drinks!"
A man applies for a job with the local police.
The officer says, "This is the best résumé I've ever seen! There's just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot eight black guys and a cat."
Guy replies "Why the cat?"
Officer says "Great attitude, you're hired!"
A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor
So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"
A guy applies for a job with the Chicago Police Department
He has an impressive resume, gives the best answers to the interview questions, and is very enthusiastic about the job.
"Your qualifications are impressive" says the police chief. "Here's the final test. Take this gun, go out, and shoot ten black guys and a clown?"
The man asks, "why the clown?"
The police chief replies, "Fantastic attitude, you're hired!"
A man applies for a job as a police officer.
The officer says: Alright, one more thing. Take this gun and go shoot 7 black men and a squirrel.
The man replies: Why the squirrel?
The officer says: I love your attitude, you got the job!
A man comes into his bedroom and sees his wife with his best friend in bed
The man quickly takes out his gun and shoots his best friend, killing him. The wife shouts - "If you continue with that attitude you are going to end up with no friends!"
A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.
They were appalled at his spiky hair, pierced nose, tattoos and a bad attitude. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Honey," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Of course he is," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
The First Night of the Honeymoon
The groom and bride had finally reached their honeymoon suite and both were eager to consummate the marriage as quickly as possible. The groom was a huge man, over 6'6" tall and 250 solid pounds of muscle. The bride a beautiful and diminutive woman.
The groom looked at his beautiful bride, took off his pants and threw them at her feet. "Put those on." He ordered.
She gave him a bewildered expression, but attempted to do as he asked. "They're too big, they won't stay on." She exclaimed.
"That's right, just remember who wears the pants in this family."
She gave him a narrow look and removed her pants and threw them at his feet. "Put those on." She ordered.
The groom could not even get his big toe into his wife's pants. "I.. I can't get into them." He stated struggling.
She declared back: "That's right and until your attitude changes that's the way it's going to be."
I was at the bar the other night with my buddy having some beers.....
We had been there a while when two large girls came up to the bar and ordered some drinks. I noticed when they ordered they both had strong accents so I said 'Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?' One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said 'it's WALES you idiot!!!'
So I immediately said 'Sorry, are you two Whales from Scotland?'
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat...
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, Here, try these on.''
She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her p**... and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine !
Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your p**....'
Karen said, 'Exactly.
And if you don't change your smart-a**... attitude, you never will.'
I was at the pub the other day, when 2 fat chicks walk in and sit next to me
Thought of being polite, I said 'Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?'
One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said 'it's Wales you idiot'
So I immediately said 'Sorry, are you two Whales from Scotland?'
Long story short, anyone know how to deal with black eyes fast?
A Londoner is walking his dog...
...When he passes a policeman. As he walks past, the dog leaps up and bites the copper's hat off, and tears it to pieces.
"Oi!" the policeman says, "You gonna let your dog get away with that?!"
"Ah, he's just a bleedin' dog! Leave it out!" the Londoner replies.
"I don't like your attitude!" the policeman says.
"It wasn't my 'at he chewed, it was YOUR 'at he chewed!"
A police officer candidate goes for an interview...
The officer says, "Take this p**... and shoot A TALL BLACK GUY AND THREE WHITE RABBITS."
So the candidate asks,"why the three white rabbits?".
Officer"that's the kind of attitude we're looking for. You're selected".
I was in in the public restroom
I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!
Women with no b**... have the worst attitudes.
You'd think they would have already gotten everything off their chests.
A guy applies for a job at the L.A.P.D.
The inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen! Just one more thing: take this gun and shoot 6 black men and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" the man replies.
"Good attitude, you've got the job!"
I'm no longer calling period attitude p**......
Nope, I'm calling o**... acting.
You'd be surprised how easy it is to pick up girls
All it takes is a respectful attitude, a low key v**..., a breezy sense of humour, a nice beard, duct tape, and a baseball bat.
So there's this hot NA chick in my chemistry class
Her attitude is always salty, but hey, her b**... is sodium fine.
newlyweds
On their wedding night as the recently married couple undress, the groom takes his pants off and hands them to her.
"Try them on"
"They're too big"
"Exactly and now you know who wears the pants"
She then takes off her p**... and tosses them to him.
"Put them on"
"I can't get in them. They're too small"
"And you won't be getting in them until you change your attitude"
What do you call a German with a bad attitude?
A sour k**....
Have you heard the old one about a woman doing a survey on s**... attitudes?
She stops an airline pilot and asks him, amongst other things, when he last had s**... i**.... He replies 1958. Now, knowing airline pilots, the researcher is surprised and queries this. Well, says the pilot, it's only 2110 now.
(Credit, John Cleese c. 1991)
An instructor was teaching a young man how to swordfight.
The young man wasn't terribly good, but he had a rather high opinion of his abilities. In a practice duel with the instructor, he was continually waving his sword about arrogantly, in wide strokes, and often leaving himself wide open to attack.
The instructor thought "he won't last five minutes with that attitude, so I need to scare it out of him. But I don't want to hurt the poor kid too badly."
The instructor feinted.
A man walks in to a bar and hangs his hat and coat on a peg
There's a dog sat in the corner which leaps up grabs the hat and rips it to pieces.
The man turns to the owner of the dog and says: Your dog's just ruined my hat
Dog owner: So what, I couldn't care less.
Man: I don't like your attitude!
Dog owner: It's not my attitude, it's your hat he chewed.
College life for introverts
1st year - People are so good to me. I feel I am respected a lot! Friends are bliss!
2nd year - People are distancing from me. I guess they don't like me. I've to find new people I suppose.
3rd year - Should I change my attitude to get friends? I don't know why I get cheated everytime I trust someone.
4th year - Who needs friends? People are useless. Solitude is the best.
Who Is The Real Boss?
The Boss of our small company was complaining during a staff meeting that people didn't respect him enough. Trying to change the attitude in the office he came in the next day with a sign for his door it said, I am the boss .
One of the employees apparently not appreciating the change posted a post-a-note on the sign it said your wife wants her sign back
Had to fire myself from housework today.
I didn't like my attitude and I caught myself drinking on the job.
What do you call a 10-s**... of l**... with an attitude problem?
A mean-o acid.
What do you call two acids with an attitude?
An a-mean-o acid, but the sour-foul-ric acids are the worst.
I'm sick and tired of these 18 yr old with attitude.
Everywhere I go they strut around acting like they rent the place.
My wife died in my arms today because she didn't know her own blood type.
She kept yelling "Be Positive" throughout the whole ordeal. I still don't know how she kept such a positive attitude all the way until the end.
What do you call a prisoner with a snarky attitude going down stairs?
A condescending con descending.
I thought burying my wurst for a few days would improve its attitude, but it just became a spoiled brat.
I'm sorry. That was completely terrible. I shouldn't have wasted your time.
Graveyards are great places to get laid
Especially if you have a shovel and a can do attitude!
What is Danzig's Favorite Computer
Lattitude, the one you got, oh baby
Lattitude, the one you got, oh baby
Lattitude, Lattitude
My wife and I were talking about people's attitudes while we walked through the park.
She said, "What do you think of bigotries?"
I said, "I don't mind them. As long as they don't fall on me!"
What do you call a Hurricane with a bad attitude?
What do you call a Hurricane with a bad attitude? A Hurri-cant!
Currently evacuated for the second time (Mathew, now Irma). Shared this joke with my sister in law last year and it's an all-star dad joke if I say so.
My nephew is at that age where he no longer wants to be held.
I guess turning 39 changed his attitude.
Somebody accused me of being condescending today...
...by the way, condescending is shown or characterized by a patronizing or superior attitude toward others.
What is an acid with a serious attitude problem?
A-mean-oh-acid
I don't know why I'm not successful yet! I learned all the rules!
Success is 50% attitude, 50% hard work, and 2% math accuracy
What do you call a weather phenomenon with an attitude?
Da rude sandstorm.
Marvel at this joke.
What do you call an Asgardian instrument specialist with an attitude problem?
A Thor Luthier.
What do you get when combining a Nihilistic attitude with the works of Georges Surat and Paul Signac
What's the Pointillism
Why did the plane c**...?
Because it had a bad attitude.
What kills people with an attitude?
An assassin
What Do You Call An Australian With An Attitude Problem?
A Didgeri-d**....
What do you call a cow with....?
What do you call a cow with 2 right legs? Lean Beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with 2 legs and an attitude? Your wife.
What's winning attitude?
3 ants saw an elephant coming.
Ant1: We will kill him
Ant2: We will break his legs
Ant3: Forgive him guys, he's alone and we're three
What is the attitude of rude waiters at Chinese restaurants?
"We have no Forks to give around here."
I don't subscribe to a nihilistic attitude towards life...
It's such a pointless waste of time being like that.
I don't like your can-do attitude
Can you fix it?
What do you call a felon who enjoys getting zapped and has a go-to attitude?
A con-do-it!
What do you call a Cuban Prime Minister with a lot of attitude?
Fidel Sass-tro
What's the difference between your mom's h**... test and her attitude?
Only her attitude is negative.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
What did the Equator say to the Artic Circle?
"I don't like your lattitude."
Fencing in Japan isn't a sport for quitters.
It takes a real kendo attitude.
My friends attitude changed ever since he was left wheelchair bound
He used to be a stand-up guy
What did the good plane say to the rude plane?
"I don't like your attitude!"
