Attitude Jokes
103 attitude jokes and hilarious attitude puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about attitude that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud with these attitude jokes! From pessimistic to nihilistic, get the funniest attitude status marathi jokes online. They'll make you ahha and leave you in a jolly mood.
Funniest Attitude Short Jokes
Short attitude jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The attitude humour may include short personality jokes also.
- Some say Steve Jobs died too young. Others say it was simply an homage to Apple's attitude towards battery life.
- An airplane yells at his son "If you don't get an attitude adjustment immediately you're going to get grounded."
- My wife was worried about getting older, so before she woke up on her birthday, I cut off all the white hairs she had. For some reason, she woke up bald and in a bad attitude
- Why did the sun break up with the winter and start dating the spring equinox? Because it was tired of its cold attitude and wanted someone who could really 'light' up its life!
- How many more times are my kids going to ask me if I know where something is before they realize they're asking the wrong parent?
- Had to fire myself from housework today. I didn't like my attitude and I caught myself drinking on the job.
- The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
- Hi, can I follow you home tonight? Sorry, that came out a little strong, my mom always told me to follow my dreams.
- 2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people:
1. They would spend it on alcohol.
2. I want to spend it on alcohol. - Men swear they know everything until you ask them who is she.
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Attitude One Liners
Which attitude one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with attitude? I can suggest the ones about inclination and aspect.
- What do you call an acid with an attitude? A-mean-o acid.
- Not just anyone can work at the Mountain Dew factory You gotta have a can dew attitude.
- What do you call Bigfoot when he has an attitude? A sass-squatch.
- Why did the pickle have an attitude? He thought he was a big dill
- Russia's attitude towards the West is sometimes... Off-Putin.
- I know that I have an attitude problem But I just don't care
- I blame my parents for my apathetic attitude... ... but I don't care.
- Can I borrow a kiss? I promise I'll give it back.
- The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.
- What do you call a triangle with attitude? An isasceles triangle
- Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
- What do you call Basil, Pine Nuts, and Olive Oil with a bad attitude? Pestomistic
- How do you prove triangles congruent with attitude? Do it with SAS.
- Think Im Sarcastic? Watch Me Pretend To Care!
- Everything always ends well. If not – it's probably not the end.
Positive Attitude Jokes
Here is a list of funny positive attitude jokes and even better positive attitude puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How to get a position in the Trump Administration Trump: How much is 2 + 2?
You: How much do you want it to be?
Trump: That's the kind of winning attitude I demand, welcome to my team! - A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Heartwarming Attitude Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about attitude you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean perspective jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make attitude pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.
As they are u**... for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.
"What? Why?" she says.
"Just put them on," he insists.
"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."
"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."
"Got it," she says, slipping off her p**... and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."
He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.
"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your p**...!"
"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."
Tom was not home at his usual hour and his wife was fuming.
Finally around 3am she heard a noise at the front door and, as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
Do you realise what time it is?!? she stammered.
He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house.
Immediately her attitude changed, and running down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked What did you buy for the house, dear?"
Tom answered A round of drinks!"
A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor
So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man comes into his bedroom and sees his wife with his best friend in bed
The man quickly takes out his gun and shoots his best friend, killing him. The wife shouts - "If you continue with that attitude you are going to end up with no friends!"
The First Night of the Honeymoon
The groom and bride had finally reached their honeymoon suite and both were eager to consummate the marriage as quickly as possible. The groom was a huge man, over 6'6" tall and 250 solid pounds of muscle. The bride a beautiful and diminutive woman.
The groom looked at his beautiful bride, took off his pants and threw them at her feet. "Put those on." He ordered.
She gave him a bewildered expression, but attempted to do as he asked. "They're too big, they won't stay on." She exclaimed.
"That's right, just remember who wears the pants in this family."
She gave him a narrow look and removed her pants and threw them at his feet. "Put those on." She ordered.
The groom could not even get his big toe into his wife's pants. "I.. I can't get into them." He stated struggling.
She declared back: "That's right and until your attitude changes that's the way it's going to be."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat...
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, Here, try these on.''
She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her p**... and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine !
Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your p**....'
Karen said, 'Exactly.
And if you don't change your smart-a**... attitude, you never will.'
A Londoner is walking his dog...
...When he passes a policeman. As he walks past, the dog leaps up and bites the copper's hat off, and tears it to pieces.
"Oi!" the policeman says, "You gonna let your dog get away with that?!"
"Ah, he's just a bleedin' dog! Leave it out!" the Londoner replies.
"I don't like your attitude!" the policeman says.
"It wasn't my 'at he chewed, it was YOUR 'at he chewed!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A police officer candidate goes for an interview...
The officer says, "Take this p**... and shoot A TALL BLACK GUY AND THREE WHITE RABBITS."
So the candidate asks,"why the three white rabbits?".
Officer"that's the kind of attitude we're looking for. You're selected".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Women with no b**... have the worst attitudes.
You'd think they would have already gotten everything off their chests.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm no longer calling period attitude p**......
Nope, I'm calling o**... acting.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You'd be surprised how easy it is to pick up girls
All it takes is a respectful attitude, a low key v**..., a breezy sense of humour, a nice beard, duct tape, and a baseball bat.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So there's this hot NA chick in my chemistry class
Her attitude is always salty, but hey, her b**... is sodium fine.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
newlyweds
On their wedding night as the recently married couple undress, the groom takes his pants off and hands them to her.
"Try them on"
"They're too big"
"Exactly and now you know who wears the pants"
She then takes off her p**... and tosses them to him.
"Put them on"
"I can't get in them. They're too small"
"And you won't be getting in them until you change your attitude"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Have you heard the old one about a woman doing a survey on s**... attitudes?
She stops an airline pilot and asks him, amongst other things, when he last had s**... i**.... He replies 1958. Now, knowing airline pilots, the researcher is surprised and queries this. Well, says the pilot, it's only 2110 now.
(Credit, John Cleese c. 1991)
An instructor was teaching a young man how to swordfight.
The young man wasn't terribly good, but he had a rather high opinion of his abilities. In a practice duel with the instructor, he was continually waving his sword about arrogantly, in wide strokes, and often leaving himself wide open to attack.
The instructor thought "he won't last five minutes with that attitude, so I need to scare it out of him. But I don't want to hurt the poor kid too badly."
The instructor feinted.
A man walks in to a bar and hangs his hat and coat on a peg
There's a dog sat in the corner which leaps up grabs the hat and rips it to pieces.
The man turns to the owner of the dog and says: Your dog's just ruined my hat
Dog owner: So what, I couldn't care less.
Man: I don't like your attitude!
Dog owner: It's not my attitude, it's your hat he chewed.
College life for introverts
1st year - People are so good to me. I feel I am respected a lot! Friends are bliss!
2nd year - People are distancing from me. I guess they don't like me. I've to find new people I suppose.
3rd year - Should I change my attitude to get friends? I don't know why I get cheated everytime I trust someone.
4th year - Who needs friends? People are useless. Solitude is the best.
Who Is The Real Boss?
The Boss of our small company was complaining during a staff meeting that people didn't respect him enough. Trying to change the attitude in the office he came in the next day with a sign for his door it said, I am the boss .
One of the employees apparently not appreciating the change posted a post-a-note on the sign it said your wife wants her sign back
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a 10-s**... of l**... with an attitude problem?
A mean-o acid.
My wife died in my arms today because she didn't know her own blood type.
She kept yelling "Be Positive" throughout the whole ordeal. I still don't know how she kept such a positive attitude all the way until the end.
I thought burying my wurst for a few days would improve its attitude, but it just became a spoiled brat.
I'm sorry. That was completely terrible. I shouldn't have wasted your time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Graveyards are great places to get laid
Especially if you have a shovel and a can do attitude!
What is Danzig's Favorite Computer
Lattitude, the one you got, oh baby
Lattitude, the one you got, oh baby
Lattitude, Lattitude
My wife and I were talking about people's attitudes while we walked through the park.
She said, "What do you think of bigotries?"
I said, "I don't mind them. As long as they don't fall on me!"
What do you call a Hurricane with a bad attitude?
What do you call a Hurricane with a bad attitude? A Hurri-cant!
Currently evacuated for the second time (Mathew, now Irma). Shared this joke with my sister in law last year and it's an all-star dad joke if I say so.
My nephew is at that age where he no longer wants to be held.
I guess turning 39 changed his attitude.
Somebody accused me of being condescending today...
...by the way, condescending is shown or characterized by a patronizing or superior attitude toward others.
I don't know why I'm not successful yet! I learned all the rules!
Success is 50% attitude, 50% hard work, and 2% math accuracy
What do you call a weather phenomenon with an attitude?
Da rude sandstorm.
Marvel at this joke.
What do you call an Asgardian instrument specialist with an attitude problem?
A Thor Luthier.
What do you get when combining a Nihilistic attitude with the works of Georges Surat and Paul Signac
What's the Pointillism
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the plane c**...?
Because it had a bad attitude.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What kills people with an attitude?
An assassin
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What Do You Call An Australian With An Attitude Problem?
A Didgeri-d**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a cow with....?
What do you call a cow with 2 right legs? Lean Beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with 2 legs and an attitude? Your wife.
What is the attitude of rude waiters at Chinese restaurants?
"We have no Forks to give around here."
I don't subscribe to a nihilistic attitude towards life...
It's such a pointless waste of time being like that.
I don't like your can-do attitude
Can you fix it?
What do you call a felon who enjoys getting zapped and has a go-to attitude?
A con-do-it!
What do you call a Cuban Prime Minister with a lot of attitude?
Fidel Sass-tro
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between your mom's h**... test and her attitude?
Only her attitude is negative.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
What did the Equator say to the Artic Circle?
"I don't like your lattitude."
Fencing in Japan isn't a sport for quitters.
It takes a real kendo attitude.
My friends attitude changed ever since he was left wheelchair bound
He used to be a stand-up guy
What did the good plane say to the rude plane?
"I don't like your attitude!"
Which athlete has the most blood and attitude?
A menstrual cyclist.
What would you call a acid that is having a bad attitude?
Acidtutue
What do you call a rock with a bad attitude?
Punk Rock
My flight instructor got mad at me today.
He said I needed an "attitude adjustment."
LeBron James was stumping for Clinton today.
LeBron James was stumping for Clinton, but he appeavered to have a Cavalier attitude.....
What type of weather has the worst attitude?
Darude - Sandstorm
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What keeps the k**... happy?
A k**...-do attitude... I'll walk myself out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What caused the Germanwings c**...?
The wrong attitude.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Chuck Norris doesn't have an attitude.
He has a personality you can't handle.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A huge airplane, full of passengers, had just taken off when a 5 year-old bad behaved boy created havoc with yelling and crying out loud.
Despite his mother's efforts, the boy could calm down.
The passengers, obviously frustrated, gossip about it and some mentioned Herod way for salvation, but they still manage to get through the t**... by staying calm and noble.
The boy though, had no plans on ease up with his attitude.
In fact, he gets worse.
Starts screaming, swearing and spitting all around the plane.
People got desperate.
Suddenly, an old man stands up and walks towards to the little boy with a slow but majestic walk.
He was wearing an air force general costume with badges and medals all over his suit jacket.
He nudges to the mother so she can stop trying all of her hopeless efforts to quite the boy and then, kindly bends over and whispers something to the boy's ear.
The child, immediately stops, takes his seat and fastens his seatbelt.
The man went back to his seat with the same confidence, while the whole plane admired his achievement.
"Excuse me Mr. General, but what did you say to that child and made him quite?" a lady wondered.
"I showed him my medals, ma'am, and told him that I've won them on the battlefield and that those medals give me the right to through a passenger off the plane on any flight I feel like, only once a year and then I mentioned that this year... I haven't picked one yet..."
David received a parrot for his birthday.
The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an obscenity.
Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.
He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments.
He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’ll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”
David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what did the chicken do?”
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A small town's only barber was known for his arrogant, negative attitude.
When one of his regular customers came in and mentioned that he'd be going to Rome and hoped to meet the Pope, the barber's response was typical. "You, meet the Pope? Ha, don't make me laugh. The Pope only sees kings and presidents and queens. What would he want with you?"
A month later, the man returns for another haircut.
"How was Rome?"
"Great! I saw the Pope."
"Yes, from St Peter's Square like the rest of the crowd I suppose."
"Yes, but then two guards came up and demanded that the Pope wanted to see me. They even took me to his private apartment in the Vatican."
"What did he say?"
"Who gave you that lousy haircut?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Positive attitude
Late in the night he regained consciousness.
He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply,
"Can I feel your t**..., then?"
That, my friends, is a positive attitude!
What do you call a US citizen with a pessimistic attitude?
An American't
Happy July 4th.
Im not very nice to people after i use the restroom.
I just get a bad shattitude.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man looking to join the Texas sheriffs is being interviewed for the job
The deputy doing the interview says, "Well all of your referrences check out and your qualifications are good. The only thing left is to see how you do on the attitude test."
The deputy slides a service p**... and a box of ammo across the desk. "Take this and go shoot 6 i**... Mexicans, 6 black guys, 6 Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."
The guy asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude!", says the deputy. "When can you start?"
Did you hear about the rebellious teen who crashed his dad's plane?
He had a bad attitude.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A newlywed couple has just retired to their honeymoon suite to consummate their marriage
As they undress, the groom hands his pants to the bride and says, "here, put these on."
The bride pulls them on and says, "honey, I can't wear these pants, they're too big."
The groom replies, "that's right. I wear the pants in this relationship."
The bride then picks up her lacy p**... and hands it to her husband, telling him to put it on. He turns to her and says, "It's too small, I can't get into your p**...."
She smiles at him and says, "that's right, and that's not going to change unless you drop the attitude."
