Attic Jokes

Following is our collection of downstairs humor and upstairs one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Attic puns for adults, dirty wanda jokes or clean shoebox gags for kids.

There is an abundance of cupboard jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 78 funniest jokes on attic. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any bedroom witze you can hear about attic.

The Best jokes about Attic

I started a boat business in the attic.

The sails are going through the roof

A husband leaves his money in the attic...

His wife gets curious one day and asks why he leaves his money in the attic.

The husband replies, " So I can use it to pay rent in heaven."

A few years later the husband dies and the wife goes upstairs to see if the money is gone, and sure enough the money is still where he left it. The wife says to herself, " I knew he should have put it in the basement."

A man goes for confession ...

The priest says Tell me son why are you here

Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death. the man replied.

The priest taken aback replies , Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession?

Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic. the man replied.

This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way the priest replied.

The man replied , Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ?

A man went to confession.

"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."

"Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest

"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."

"That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven."

"Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?"

"Of course, my son."

"Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"

Billy's mom comes home to see him crying...

Billy, what's wrong son?

Dad hanged himself in the attic! replied Billy, "eyes in tears".

The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son.

As she gets up to the attic she notices that nothing is there and little Billy started giggling...

HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!!

He hanged himself in the basement!


Mum, father hanged himself!

A little boy runs to his mum crying: "Mum, Mum", he screams, "Father hanged himself!"
"Where is he hanging?", his mum asks.
"In the attic!", the boy says.
So the mum and her son go to the attic but nobody's there.
"But he isn't there", says the mum in relief.
Then her son says: "April Fool! He's hanging in the basement!"

An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband...

An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband to lean in, and whispers, "I'm sorry, forgive me..
in the chest in the attic is one million two hundred thousand dollars and five cents.. I earned it hooking, while you were busy working your entire life."

The husband is mad, but forgives her, and asks, "but which cheapskate gave you the nickel?"

She replies, "They all did."

Credit goes to u/umm_umm_

I was in my attic yesterday looking for some old photos...

...when I came across the present that I was going to give to my daughter for her 3rd birthday last year.

It was a bit of a shame. She would have loved that kitten.

Women are like raincoats.

In a box in my attic marked "raincoats."

An elderly Italian man went to his parish priest

and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do you think I should tell her that the war is over?"

WAR BOARDER

A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"


People ask how I'm so prepared for Christmas

It's easy I had all presents wrapped and hidden in the attic since August, my girlfriend is going to love her new puppy

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess.

So he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?

I'm running a boat making company from my attic.

The sails are through the roof.

A german man 3 years after the war went into the Church...

...He goes to the confession booth and says to the priest

"Father, I have a confession"

"Tell me all about it." The priest replies.

"Well during the war I was harbouring a 17 year old jewish girl." The man says

"The war's over now, that's nothing to be ashamed of."

"And every day she would come down from the attic, and we would have sex, twice on a sunday."

"It's okay," the priest replies "everybody has urges."

"Oh, and one more thing Father."

"Yes, you can tell me."

"Do you think I should tell her the war is over?"

Now that the tide pod fad is dying down

lets move onto the cotton candy in the attic.

An elderly German man visits his priest for confession...

An elderly man in Germany walks into a confessional box after feeling the urge that he needed to confess.

Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. During the great war I hid a Jewish refugee in my attic.

Priest: Well, that's not a sin my son, but rather a heroic act of great compassion and daring.

Man: But I made him agree to pay me 20 marks for each week he stayed.

Priest: I must admit, that wasn't a great decision, but I am sure you did it for a good cause.

Man: God bless you father, that puts my mind to rest, just one more question however...

Priest: Yes my son?

Man: Do I have to tell him the war is over?

An old man found a box in his attic.

Inside were two knit bonnets and $250,000. He went to his wife and asked if she knew anything about it. She explained, "Every time I was mad at you, I'd knit a bonnet." The man was happy to find that, in 40 years of marriage, he'd only angered his wife twice. "OK, that explains the bonnets, but what about the money?" the old man asked. His wife smiled and said,"That's from selling all the bonnets I've made over the years."

I've started my own buisness building model yachts in my attic during lockdown.

Sales are going through the roof.



(I'll take my things and leave now..)


I found a suicide vest in the attic this morning.

I was looking for an old poster I had when I was younger. Couldn't remember what it was, maybe for a movie? Anyways, I was hunting in the attic and I saw an old vest with several bombs tied to it. I couldn't see if there was a way to detonate it or not.

So, I took it down to my room, and I did some research. Under the right shoulder, I found a tag. The words were faded, and there was only about 4 of the 8 or 9 letters left, and it said this .

I'll keep searching and update you guys if I find anything.

A genie appears from a lamp..

A man was dusting off a lamp he found in this attic when a genie appears. The genie grants the man three wishes but says whatever he gets his wife will receive double.

The man thinks and wishes for a new car. Poof. A new car appears in the man's driveway. And 2 more appear on the street for his wife.

The man then wishes for a new house. Poof. The man magically appeared in his new house, and accross the street 2 more houses appear for his wife.

The man then says "OK genie, now beat me half to death."

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

There was once a great Polynesian king

He lived in a magnificent palace made of woven grass and sat on a beautiful throne.

One day another kingdom gave him a gift: a new throne, even more exquisite than the one he already had. The king wanted to replace his old throne right away, but he didn't want to just throw it away; he had so many good memories tied to it!

Instead, he had it moved to the attic, and then he proceeded to sit on his new throne. Unfortunately, since the palace was made of woven grass, it couldn't support the weight of the old throne. Thus the old throne came crashing down, falling on top of the king and killing him instantly.

The moral of the story: Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones!

A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest.

A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

A man finds a magic lamp

A man finds a magic lamp while cleaning out his attic, he rubs some of the dust off of it and out pops a genie.

"I'll grant you 3 wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex wife will get twice as much"

Bitter about his recent divorce, the man thinks for a bit and says "Alright, I want a mansion with a triple garage."

The genie says "Here is your mansion with the triple garage, your ex wife has 2"

Next,the man says "I want a BMW, a Ferrari and a Lamborghini for my garage"

The genie says, "You now have 3 cars for your garage, your ex wife has 6"

The man gets a smile on his face as he says his last wish," I want to be beaten half to death!"

In the South Pacific...

Many years ago, in the South Pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King. Each year, on the King's birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him. And each year, the King would put last years gift up in the attic of his small house. After many years of ruling the island, the weight of the large number of birthday presents stored up in the attic became too heavy and caused the house to fall down.
The moral of the story is that people in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

The actress who played the lead role in the local theatre production of Anne Frank's Diary was so bad

That the scene where the Nazis entered the stage and said "where is she" the audience shouted "she's in the attic".

My dad found an Altoid tin in his attic and told me it was worth over $400.

He said it was worth so much because it was in mint condition.

She said "should I invite my mum down for Christmas?"

"No, leave her in the attic", I replied

Got Change?

An elderly couple is in financial dire straits. Their pension is running out and things are starting to look desperate.

After several pointless job interviews and attempting to sell some junk from the attic, they reach the sad conclusion that the only hope they have is for the wife to sell her "favors" on the street.

And so, in the morning, the wife leaves the house and doesn't come back until late at night. Her husband is anxiously waiting at the door.

"So, how much did you make?" he asks.

"$719.25", she replies before collapsing on the couch.

"Wha...? Who paid you with a quarter?!?"

"Everybody."

A man brings a big dog into a bar

He asked the waitress for 2 glasses of beer, one for him and the other for his dog. The dog grabbed the bottle with his mouth and chugged down the beer, as skillful as his owner.

The waitress was very impressed and excitedly asked "What other tricks can your dog do?"

The man looked at her and said "My dog can also do sex!"

So, the waitress brought both of them up into the attic, took off all her clothes, laid down on the sofa, spread her legs and looked at the dog. But the dog just stood there and did nothing.

Angry, the man took off all his clothes and shouted at the dog angrily "You stupid dog, this will be the last time I will show you how to do sex!!!!"

Series of Romanian Alinuta jokes.

Sup ya'll! I've translated some dark Romanian jokes about a girl named Alinuta. Any other Romanians who know more please share!

-Brother: Mom, Alinuta hung herself in the basement!
Mom goes and looks to find nothing.
Mom: She's not there.
Brother: April fools! She's in the attic!

-While Alinuta's brother is watching tv, she quickly moves passed the screen.
Brother: Hey! Get out of the way!
Alinuta again moves passed the screen, blocking her brothers view for a second.
Bother: Stop getting in the way!
Alinuta moves across the room again, blocking his screen.
Infuriated with his sister blocking his TV, Alinuta's brother calls their mom to resolve the problem.
Brother: I want to watch TV but Alinuta keeps moving in front of the screen.
Mom: oh it's cause she hung herself.

-"Alinuta stop playing with the scissors! You're going to spill your fingers on the floor again!"

Wife hanging from a rope.

I found my wife hanging from a rope in the attic. There was a note saying, "I really can't stand your criticsm any longer!" I quickly cut the rope and reanimated her. Thankfully I could bring her back to life. As she lay in my arms I could see her eyes slowly open and I said, "Come on, that's not how you spell criticism."

I was in the attic yesterday when I found my granddad's old wig-making machine.

It's a family hair loom.

Wrong spot

There once was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic "When I die I'll get it on my way up." chuckled the old man. Well when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there. "I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!"

A man goes into a confession booth in Germany...

He says "Please forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest responded, "What is your sin my child?"
The man replies "During WWII I took in a Jewish man and hid him in my attic."
The priest then exclaims, "Good sir, that is not a sin at all. That was a righteous burden you took upon yourself. You should be proud of your actions."
The man hesitated for a moment and said "Well... I had him pay rent."
The priest simply stated "That isn't the most Christian thing to do, however it is not a sin."
The man then smiled feeling cleared of all wrongdoing. He got up to leave, but then paused once more and said
"Father?"
"Yes my child?"
"Do I have to tell him that the war is over?"

To clear your conscience

In the midst of the second world war, there was a young Jewish girl on the run from the Nazis. She happened to come across a house where a 30 year-old man lived alone. She begged him to help her by providing a hiding place from the Nazis until the war was over. The man said that he would allow her to stay in his attic and he would provide food, as long as they could make love at his whim. The girl gladly agreed.

Twenty years later, the war long over, the man decides he wants to clear his conscience from doing what he did. He visits his church and says to the priest, "Father, I once sheltered a Jewish girl from the Nazis."
The priest replies, "That is a wonderful thing to do."
The man says, "You don't understand. I forced her to have sex with me as long as I sheltered her."
The priest replies, "That is ok. She had to pay you back somehow for saving her from the Nazis."
The man nods and then says guiltily, "Do I have to tell her the war is over?"

I was in the attic the other day...

...and I found a Christmas present that I meant to give to my daughter a year ago.

It's a shame I forgot about it, she always wanted a puppy.

a friend of mine set up a boat building company in his attic.

the sails were through the roof.

Rich old man prepares for his death

A rich old man was on his deathbed. He knew he was soon to depart this world, but he could not bear the thought of leaving his wealth behind.

So he summoned his wife and instructed her to visit the bank, withdraw a large amount of cash, and stash it in the attic in a burlap sack. "I'll just grab the sack as I float up to heaven," the man said to himself.

His wife did as he requested and a few days later the man died. But in all the hustle and bustle of the funeral arrangements she forgot about the cash in the attic.

Years later she was cleaning out the attic and came upon the sack of money. "I knew it," she said, "I just knew it. I should have put it in the basement."

What's brown and runs in the attic?

The Diarrhea of Anne Frank

Mommy mommy! Daddy hanged himself in the living room!

*mom rushes to the living room*

Kid: Haha! April fools! He did it in the attic!

What do you call a roof addicted to meth

A drug attic

Did you hear about the old man selling boats in the attic?

The sails were going through the roof.

[NSFW] I was seeing a girl once, five actually...

Then the sorority started looking into the strange sounds in the attic.

I heard a chicken in my attic, but I've never seen one in my house before

I'm guessing it's a poultrygeist

A 16yr old boy is cleaning his grandparents attic. When he uncovers a strange lamp.

As soon as he grabs the lamp a genie appears. "One and only one wish you have" bellows the genie. Being a young and naive boy only one thought comes to mind. Without much thought he blurts out "I wish the be in between the legs of a beautiful woman". The genie booms "wish granted". With a snap of his fingers turns the boy into a tampon.

What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?

One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.

Squirrels in the attic

As told to me by a patient today:

A small church out in the country developed a problem when squirrels moved into the attic. They were chewing holes in the insulation and building nests, rotting the soffits and making a lot of noise and generally being a nuisance. The people didn't quite know what to do as no one was really in favor of killing the small creatures. One afternoon while the congregation was having supper on the ground outside the church, a deacon said to the pastor that he had an idea.
"Let's take 'em all down to the river and baptize them. That way we'll only see them twice a year at Christmas and Easter."

The Old African King

There was once a highly respected King of an African tribe. Every year since his thirtieth birthday, he had been given a brand new throne to sit in for the year. Each year, the new throne far surpassed the beauty and value of the one prior to it. The problem was, each person in this tribe lived in grass huts, so the king had no choice but to put his old thrones in his attic.

So, on his sixtieth birthday, the king had room for only one more throne in his attic. His servants took it up, and as they sat it down the ceiling came crashing down onto the king and killed him.

Moral of the story: those who live in grass houses, shouldn't stow thrones.

A Husband Told His Wife...

"I'm putting this briefcase full of money in the attic. When I die and go to Heaven, I'll take it up there with me."

Well the day comes when he dies and a few months later the wife goes to the attic and finds the briefcase still where he left it before he died.

"I knew I should have put it in the basement..."

Cleaning the Attic

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Hey - get out!
We don't want

your type in here!''

An old lady was cleaning an ancient lamp in her attic

And then poof , a genie appeared and asked if he can grant 3 wishes for her .

The old lady said

- I want to be young and beautiful again

- I want to very rich

- my cat should become a handsome prince

Poof the next moment she is young , sitting in her palace and her cat now transformed into a prince started crying ..

She asked what happened ?

Cat : I guess you forgot the time you had me neutered !!

To earn extra money, I started a home-based business building small boats in my attic ...

Business was really slow until I switched to larger vessels, and now sails are through the roof!

Cleaning Day

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies, "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

Why should you never keep pharmaceuticals under the roof?

To avoid it becoming a drug attic.

Im going to open a Kosher Hotdog stand in my attic.

It's called Anne's Franks.

I think my neighbor might be involved in some illegal activities.

I heard him confess to tax evasion when I was smoking meth in his attic.

A man put a bag of money in his attic.

He told his wife, This way, when I die, I can take the money with me on my way to Heaven.
When the man died, his wife went up into the attic, and sure enough, the bag of money was still there.
She said, I knew he should have put it in the basement.

Two drunks are looking to get laid

After a hard night drinking so they make their way to a nearby brothel. The madam, noticing the extent of their intoxication, puts them up in two attic rooms with a couple of blow up dolls. When they meet again afterwards, one says to the other " I think my woman was dead beause she just did not move and was stone cold." The other one said " I think mine was a witch... as soon as I bit her nipple, shelets out a big fart and flies out of the window"

I started a yacht business in the attic.

Sails are through the roof

In the house of mathematics, where are the tautologies found?

They're kept in the Axiom Attic.

So I've been clearing out my attic...

... and I've decided to get rid of my hoover- it was just gathering dust.

BEST CHRISTMAS JOKE I EVER MADE: A lucky old man found Aladdin magic lamp in his attic!!

A lucky 95 year old grandpa found Alaadin magic lamp in his attic. After he touched it, a genie came out and said, "since it Christmas time, you may ask ONLY ONE wish." Grandpa thought for a bit and said: oh ya, can you build me a bridge from the NY city to London, across the atlantic. Genie replied, "come on grandpa, that's a hassle for me, and it is cold in the Atlantic now, pick an easier wish."

Grandpa paused for a second and said.. Oh ya! Can you make my wife young and hot like those TV supermodels. Genie replied: "Of course! that's a super easy task. How old is your wife?" Grandpa replied, "90, and here is a picture of her now!" Genie replied, "Awesome!!! Would you like the bridge one lane or two lanes?"

What you get, your husband will get it 3 times more

A woman is cleaning her attic, when she finds an old lamp. Surely enough, she rubs it and a genie pops off and tells her:

"I can grant you 3 wishes, but be aware that anything you get, your husband will get it 3 times more"


The woman asks:

"First I want to be very beautiful"

The genie grants her wish and turns her into a gorgeous woman. He then says:

"Done, and now your husband is 3 times more beautiful than you are"


Then the woman asks:

"Next I want to be rich"

Once again the genie grants her wish, and tells her:

"Done, and your husband is now 3 times richer than you"


The the woman asks:
"Finally, I want to have a small small small heart attack"

What is brown and sits in a toilet in a dutch attic?

The diarrhea of Anne Frank.

My dad told me about the birds and the bees today...

Then he gave me a broom and told me to clear them out of the attic.

My neighbour jean guy's house caught on fire, I asked him what he was going to do..

He say don't worries, I gots more wood in the attic

I found a vintage Altoids box from the 60s in my attic,

it was in mint condition

Two Jews were smoking in the attic.

They got baked.

A man visits a priest for confession...

An elderly man in Germany walks into a confessional box after feeling the urge that he needed to confess.

Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. During the great war I hid a Jewish refugee in my attic.

Priest: Well, that's not a sin my son, but rather a heroic act of great compassion and daring.

Man: But I made him agree to pay me 20 marks for each week he stayed.

Priest: I must admit, that wasn't a great decision, but I am sure you did it for a good cause.

Man: God bless you father, that puts my mind to rest, just one more question however...

Priest: Yes my son?

Man: Do I have to tell him the war is over?

What do you call a Star wars fan in an attic?

Annakin Frank

I saw my ex and it just ruined my whole day.

I should probably just stay out if the attic.

What do you call an attic with a lot of issues?

Problematic.

My brother is renovating his entire attic

He has very lofty ambitions.

I once opened a boat business in my attic

The sales went through the roof

Some conspiracy theorists live alone in the basement.

Others live alone in the ~~white house~~ attic.

You will never guess what I found in my attic bathroom...

The diarrhea of Anne Frank

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes