The Best 86 Attention Jokes

Following is our collection of Attention jokes which are very funny. There are some attention detail jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these attention glimpse puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Drunk in confession booth.

A drunk staggers into a church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to just sit there. Finally,the priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

A Chinese woman storms into a bank and up to the front of the line.

She slams her hand down on the counter and demands the teller's attention.

"My stock," she says, "yesterday was worth one hundred dollar a share! Now is ninety five! Why? You try to rip me off?"

The teller smiles and says "No ma'am. Fluctuations."

The lady's face turns a bright shade of crimson and she screams "We'll fluc you white people too!"

That half man, half horse...

Did you hear about the half man, half horse causing a ruckus downtown last night? He was kicking over trash cans, yelling at people, just going crazy. The cops finally showed up, calmed him down, and asked "Why are you doing this?" Apparently he wanted to be the centaur of attention.

If you have have a small green ball in one hand and another small green ball in the other, what do you have?

Kermit the Frog's full attention.

LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:

1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."


Met a Dwarf Today....

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

A kid was selling newspapers...

A kid was selling newspapers. He was yelling, "Boy cheats 100 fools!" to catch people's attention. A man walking by was interested and bought a newspaper. As he walked away with the newspaper, he heard the boy start yelling, "Boy cheats 101 fools!"

What did the Kamikaze pilot say to his students?

Pay attention, I am only going to do this once.

I have the attention span of a gold fish

It's been staring at me for several minutes now.

A midget walks into a library.

A midget walks into a library and gets the woman working at the desk's attention.
"Excuse me," he says. "I was just wondering if you had any books on irony?"
"We do," the librarian responded. "It's on the top shelf."

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont pay attention but call her fat once and she will never forget. Thats because elephants never forget.

Top Attention Puns and Funny Jokes

You can explore attention care reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean attention attentive dad jokes. There are also attention puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Crashed in to the back of a car today at a set of lights, while I wasn't really paying attention. The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said "I'm not happy" so I replied "well, which one are you then?"

I have found a cure for people suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder...

... just send them to concentration camps.

Confession

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confessional booth and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally,the drunk replies:"No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

My wife says I have a short attention spanish is a beautiful language isn't it?

THE GOVINATOR

Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."

A man isn't paying attention when crossing the street

A man isn't paying attention when crossing the street and gets hit by a red lorry, a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.

A policeman is despatched to inform the unfortunate man's family:

"There's no easy way to say this..."

I accidentally rear ended someone at a stop light while not paying attention..

We get out to exchange information, and I notice the guy is a midget. The first thing he says is, "I'm not happy." To which I replied, "Well which one are you then?"

A man goes to see a film alone...

...and sits down next to a young boy, who has a golden retriever sitting on the seat aside him.

 

The film starts, but the man has a hard time paying attention. As the film progresses, his focus is increasingly diverted to the young boy and his golden retriever. The dog is laughing uproariously during all the funny scenes, gasping and pointing during all the shocking scenes, wooping and hurrahing during all the action scenes, and gently sobbing during all the dramatic scenes. By the end of the film, the man is utterly awestruck by this wondrous animal.

 

As the film draws to a close and the credits begin to roll, the man leans over and addresses the boy: "That animal of yours is absolutely amazing! He laughed, he cried, he gasped, he cheered. He enjoyed the film on every level that it could possibly be enjoyed. I am thoroughly impressed".

 

The boy says: "I'm impressed too! He hated the book..."


Wife asks god for a better husband

Wife: Dear God , I wish you could make my husband pay more attention to me, protect me, take me out, sleep close to me at night.
I wish he would be more caring even if I got the smallest of scratches.
God then turned her into a smartphone.

A husband and wife grow distressed as more and more uninvited guests swarm into their party.

The husband has a plan.

He moves to the front, manages to get everyone's attention, and calls out, "If you're from the groom's side, please stand up."

About one fourth of the guests stands up.

He calls out, "Those from the bride's side, please stand up."

Another one fourth of the guests stands up.

He smiles and says, "If you are standing up, please leave. This is a birthday party."

Mini-Skirt Speech

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

A young woman had been taking golf lessons all week long.

She'd just begun her first game of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense, she couldn't continue her game. She decided to go back to the clubhouse and get some medical attention.

Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked,
"Why are you back so soon?" What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee," she answered.

"Where?," he asked.
"Between the first and second holes," she replied.

He nodded his head knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

A woman found a magic lamp on the beach, rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

"Ask me anything and it's yours!" She thought a moment and then answered, "I want my husband to pay more attention to me, to protect me, to take me out frequently, to sleep close to me, and to be more caring, even if I get a tiny scratch." "No problem." And POOF! She was a smartphone!

What did the suicide bomber instructor say to his class?

Now pay attention class, I'm only going to do this once.

How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?

You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

A blonde goes to the dry cleaners.

She tells the attendant that she needs to have her dress cleaned.

However, the attendant wasn't paying attention. Snapping out of his day dream, he asked, "Come again?"

Giggling, the blonde replied, "No, just mustard this time."

What does a suicide bomber say when he's teaching class?

Pay attention! I'm only going to show this once.

Went to a nude beach today and let me tell you- I had a lot of women's attention.

I could just feel them dressing me with their eyes.

ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history.

You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.

How do you get an grammer nazi's attention?

That. That is how.

At a restaurant, I was getting impatient waiting on my food...

I caught the waiter's attention as he rushed by. How long will my spaghetti be?

The waiter said: I don't know. We never measure it.

Everyone treats me like God

They don't pay any attention to me or what I ask of them unless they want something.

A Professional

A man takes a taxi home after a long night of work
The taxi runs a red light
The man says "Be careful, we could've gotten in an accident!"
The driver replies "Don't worry I'm a professional."
The taxi runs another red light
The man tells him to pay attention
The driver answers "Don't worry I'm a professional."
The taxi stops at a green light
"The man screams "WHY ARE YOU STOPPING?!"
"In case another professional drives by."

An essay should be like a skirt.

Long enough to cover everything but short enough to keep your attention.

What does someone who's looking for attention say when they get attention?

Attention everyone: there is a national lettuce shortage

everyone please romaine calm

They told me to drive it like I stole it

So I stayed at the speed limit, followed the road rules and paid attention to my surroundings

If a zoo had a half man half horse...

Do you think it would be the centaur of attention?

A knight comes to the royal castle with a bag and asks for king's attention

He enters, and says "Your Majesty, I kept my word. Here's the head of the dragon!" and takes the head of the dragon out of the bag.

A royal advisor brings a bag to the king. The king replies "Well, then, I kept my word too. Here's the hand of the princess!"

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention.

EDIT 1: This blew up quick thanks guys :D

EDUT 2: When I typed edit 1 it had 500 upvotes now im waking up to 29K upvotes thanks eveyone :D

Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

johnny in the math class

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

Sometimes at work...

...I like to run around with a screwdriver and yell "Attention everybody! This is not a drill!"

The beard or me. You must choose.

A guy decides to grow a beard and his girlfriend hates it. She finally tells him: it's time to choose me or the beard.

He says: "What? Choose between the love of my life and a source of irritation that needs constant attention and tending? That's an easy decision....The hard question is who gets the apartment?"

One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall.

After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them

"There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up!

Eat up!

Get up!"

Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

I've always wondered how vegans survived

No meat, no milk and no eggs. How do they do it? But that's when I realized...
They feed off of attention.

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remebered vegans feed off of attention.

"I need help with this crossword," yelled my girlfriend, almost in tears. "9 letters, another word for 'concentration'.

I think she's seeking attention.

If you have a green ball in your right hand, and a green ball in your left

Then you have Kermit the Frog's undivided attention

How do you grab the attention of a pervert?

A NSFW tag.

Zoology Tip

You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

I was forced to dress up in a half man, half horse costume.

I hate being the centaur of attention.

How do you get Gold's attention?

"Ay, you!"

This guy walks in a Toy R Us to buy a Barbie for his daughter's birthday.

First Barbie he sees: Barbie with ski set: 29.99

Second Barbie that caught his attention: Barbie on a motorcycle: 34:99

Third Barbie he sees: Divorced Barbie: 249.99

So he go and asks an employee why is the Divorced Barbie so expencive.

The employee replies: That's because this set comes with Ken's car, Ken's motorcycle, Ken's boat and Ken's house.

Guy walks into a bar

Grabs a seat and orders a whiskey double, neat. The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over. The gentleman reaches into his blazer searching frantically. This catches the bartenders attention so he monitors the patron out the corner of his eye. Finally the man finds what he's looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey. The perplexed bartender grabs his attention "I'm terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?" To which the man replies surprised "oh no no everything's fine! I just promised my wife I'd never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again." 😳

A tough guy walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash.

When he has everyone's attention, he grabs the alligator by the mouth, opens it, and let's it chomp down on his crotch. He counts to ten, then hits the gator on the head with a beer bottle and it lets go. When the applause dies down, he offers $1,000 to anyone that can do that . The bar is dead quiet, and finally a little old lady raises her hand. I'll try it...but just don't hit me that hard on the head with the beer bottle .

A drunk staggers into a church one evening, goes into the confessional box and sits down. He doesn't say a word.

The priest coughs to try and get his attention. There's no response so the priest coughs again. There's still no response from the drunk.

The priest coughs a couple of more times and still doesn't get any response, so finally he pounds on the wall.

The drunk slurs, "There's no use knocking. There's no paper this side either."

What do seals do when they need medical attention?

Sea kelp

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We'll return him back to you.

Millennials have such short attention spans

Says the generation that got bored of going to the moon by the third time

A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences.

Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?

One student raises their hand,

The cheetah is faster dandelion.

I was gutted today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine...

She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...

What do you have if you've got a green ball in each hand?

The Hulk's undivided attention.

What did the suicide bomb instructor say to his new students?

Pay attention because I am only going to do this once

I caught the flu in Madrid.

While sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realized I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.



"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"



The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h...how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied:



"Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."

How do you get the attention of a pervert?

A Not Safe For Work Tag.

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled "The Milky Bars are on me!", people just cheered.

How can you get the attention of a pervert?

Mark the post with an NSFW tag

A drunk enters a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth sits down but says nothing

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there, not saying a word.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

To which the drunk mumbles, Sorry, can't help you. There's no paper on this side either.

Racism

Sometimes if I wanna get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with "I'm not racist,
"I'm not racist, but you look great today."

And they say, "that wasn't racist at all."

And I say, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

What do you call someone who has never paid attention to ants?

Ignorant.

My daughter's skirt was getting a lot of attention as I walked her to the school gates, which made me very uncomfortable.

To be honest, I thought it suited me.

Had a friend who was half horse, half human

He was always the centaur of attention.

Sad News At The Nestle Factory

Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered

Yesterday I was diagnosed with ADD ( attention deficit disorder ) ...

I always suspected I had it, but I never paid any attention to it before.

My baby daughter said her first word today!

She said Neglect!

Or something like that at least. I don't remember, I wasn't really paying attention.

I was a really poor student...

My English teacher once told me that he loves cooking children and pets. He also tried to teach me about commas being really important but I didn't pay attention to that part.

A suicide bombing instructor addresses a group of new recruits.

"All right lads pay attention cos I'm only gonna show you this once"

My boss said I'm a worker worth paying attention to.

Unfortunately, he said it to the security guard.

I was in Mexico last weekend enjoying what the entertainment has to offer....

...ended up going to this magic show that was highly recommended. The Magician came on stage and started the show with a disappearing act. He said "Pay close attention as I will vanish into thin air on the count of three"

He started counting... "uno....dos..."

And sure as shit he disappeared without a Tres.

Used to know this guy who always tried to draw attention to the fact he was half-horse.

Never could stop being the centaur of attention.

A group of soldiers stood in formation at an army base.

The drill sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out!"
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The drill instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow.
The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

My partner was afraid that I was cheating, which I wasn't.

She came to me one evening, very serious. I knew something was going on. She asked, in that tone that instantly puts a lump in your throat, I suspect you've been unfaithful. Do you have a sec to talk?

I wanted her to know she has my full attention, so I replied, I have a lot of secs!

I still can't figure out why she walked out.

your mama so poor

she can't even pay attention

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the attention careful jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working attention spans piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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