attending Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious attending stories

What are the best Attending puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Attending? Well here is a complete list of Attending dad jokes:

For anyone attending Stan Lee's funeral...

Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.


Wife dreamed that she was attending a dick auction...

Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "They gave those away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."


An Elderly Couple

An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.

About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.

The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."


Four U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado...

Four U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado, that hits a state funeral they're all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.

What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: I've come for some courage.

No problem! says the Wizard. Who is next?

Ronald Reagan steps forward, Wellโ€ฆIโ€ฆI think I need a heart.

Done, says the Wizard.

Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?

Up steps George W. Bush, who says, I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.

Not a problem! says the Wizard. Consider it done.

There is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, What do you want?

Ummm, he says quietly, is Dorothy around?


A little girl is attending her first wedding...

And as the priest is reading the vows, she leans over to her mother and whispers, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explains, "and today is the happiest day in her life."

The child ponders this for a moment and then asks, "So why is the groom wearing black?"


Southern University Psychology Joke

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. Just to establish some parameters, said the professor to the student from Arkansas, what is the opposite of joy? Sadness, said the student. And the opposite of depression? he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. Elation, she said. And you sir, he said to the young man from Texas, what about the opposite of woe? The Texan replied, Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' .


Celibacy (searched but didn't find...)

What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.
He then addressed the men.
Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?

Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,
Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.


A Rabbi and a priest went for a walk..........

While attending a religious convention. They stoped at a lake and decided to go for a swim. Since they did not have a change of clothes both decided they would skinny dip. Just as the last bit of clothing was stripped off a group of people came from the conference, the priest quickly covered his crotch with his hands while the rabbi placed his hands over his face. As the crowd got closer the priest said to the rabbi, "why dont you cover your shame"? The rabbi replied, "I do not know about you but, people recognize me by my face.


Doctors meeting

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."



An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says: "I just let a silent fart. What do you think I should do?
He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!"



The students in a medical school were attending their first class in anatomy....

They all gathered around a surgery table on top of which, was a dead dog.

And to their horror, their professor stuck a finger into the dog's asshole and tasted it... then he asked them to repeat the same.

After much commotion, some of the students freaked out and left the class, while some followed through with the professor's demand in fear of losing grades...

After all the students had tasted the dead canine's glorious butthole, the professor spoke up...

"Today was an important class on observation and I hope all of you will pay attention in the future.... because I stuck my middle-finger in the dog's anus, but licked my forefinger".


Two Engineers are attending a conference in China

Since they are going to the same place, the two engineers decide to share a taxi. While stuck in traffic, the American engineer glances out the window and exclaims, "Wow! What a magnificent skyscraper, it must have taken years to build!" "In my country, it would only take months to build." brags the Indian engineer. Curious as to how long the tower took to build, the American engineer asks the taxi driver, "Excuse me, but how old is that building over there?" The taxi driver replies, "Don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."


Arab Joke

A young Arab guy joins a college in USA and attends classes everyday in a gold plated and diamond studded Ferrari.

A few days later he writes to his parents about the experience of attending college in USA. He wrote,"Dear Mom and Dad I am loving it over here. The college is very good and so are all of the students. The only problem for me is I am attending the college in a Ferrari while almost all of my classmates come here by train"

The parents replied," Dear Son we are happy to know you are loving the college life and like it over there but please dont embarrass us with small issues like your going to college by Car while your friends come in train. We have transferred 40 million dollars to your account. Buy a nice train for yourself and attend college in it!"


A little boy at a wedding...

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his younger cousin asked him, How many women can a man marry?

Sixteen. the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he answered so quickly. How do you know that?

Easy, the little boy said, all you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer'.


How to indirectly call your boss a prick (a meta-joke)

We're in the operating room: the attending surgeon (a fully trained surgeon), medical student year 4 (MS4-that's me), medical student year 3 (MS3).

Attending [to MS3]: Tell me a joke.

MS3: Ok, I got one. What's the difference between a porcupine and Porsches?

Attending: I don't know, what?

MS3: For the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!

Attending: I drive a Porsche.

MS3: ...


Pronounced 'Dead' on arrival ... oops!

The soon to be new parents known as Mr. & Mrs. D. were so excited, as they were just about to give birth to their brand new daughter, whom they'd already decided to name Dea D..

Just a few minutes later, a healthy baby girl popped out but was unfortunately pronounced 'Dead' on arrival by the attending nurse who apparently had significant issues with letter spacing on medical charts.


MBBS Students in Anatomy Class

1st year MBBS students were attending their 1st anatomy class.

They all gathered around the table with real dead body.
The professor started the class by telling them two important qualities as a doctor.

The 1st is that never be disgusted about anything regarding the body e.g. he inserted his finger in the body's nose & on drawing back, put the finger in his own mouth & tasted it.

Then he told the students to do the same.

The students hesitated for several minutes, but eventually everyone inserted their fingers in the body's nose & tasted it.

When everyone finished the professor looked at them & said :The most important 2nd quality is Observation.

I inserted my middle finger but tasted the index finger. Now learn to pay attention!

All students : shittt !!


My favorite joke as a kid

A duck walks into a hardware store, goes up to the man attending the counter, and asks "Excuse me sir, do you sell any duck food here?" The man simply nods no and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns to the same store. The same guy is behind the counter and once again, the duck asks "Excuse me sir, do you have any duck food today?" The man, perplexed, looks at the duck and says "This is a hardware store. We don't sell duck food. Go away." The duck leaves.

The duck returned to the same hardware store everyday for a week, same guy behind the counter each time. After the 9th visit, the guy gets really angry, looks at the duck and yells "LISTEN HERE YOU STUPID DUCK! I DON'T SELL DUCK FOOD! NOT TODAY, OR EVER! IF YOU COME BACK IN HERE I'M GOING TO HIT YOU WITH A HAMMER!" The duck ran out of the store.

A couple of days passed. The duck peaks his head into the store, looks around, and then enters. He walks up to the guys and asks "Excuse me sir, I noticed that you were out of hammers in isle 5. Do you have any in back?" The guy looks at the duck and says "Sure don't. Sold out this morning." The duck looks around a says "Well if that's the case... Do you by chance have any duck food?"


Try explaining this

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.


If you know Maris (Frasier)

Niles: No, she won't be attending tonight. She in another one of her panics.

Frasier: Oh no, what's happened now?

Niles: Well, her friends have been taunting her for not having a smart phone. We've tried everything, I Phone and Galaxy. Poor thing can't muster the strength in her fingers to activate the touch screen. She has to yell for Marta the maid everytime the phone rings.

Frasier: Really, even an I phone?

Niles: I was surprised she even wanted to try it. I didn't think she would go for the brand. She usually doesn't like to buy things that remind her of food.


three black men are sitting on a park bench

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery in London were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the
sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological
oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society".

After the curator left, a Scotsman man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.


The new Hollywood realism

Noted Hollywood film maker Oliver Stone has made many R-rated movies including JFK and Nixon. However as he has aged he has mellowed and now proposes to make a G-rated movie which Moms with small children will feel comfortable attending. Title: Clinton


Why do people looking for motivational seminars and people attending bodybuilding competitions keep accidentally going to each other's events?

They both want personal growth.


Things you don't say while attending a group for sex addicts. I'll start...

"I'm glad you came."


Why did the Shiite cleric make the women attending his mosque cover their faces?

Because it was hijab.


3 friends had a test the next day but they spent the day partying.

3 friends had a test the next day but they spent the day partying. At night they remembered about the test and that they hadn't studied a thing. So they come up with a plan.
They would put dirt and mud on their shirts and push the car right in front of the college door. And they did just that.
When the dean asked them what happened, they said that they were attending a wedding far away and on the way back one of the car's tires was punctured. So they had to push the car back which took almost a whole day. They asked the dean to take the test tomorrow and the dean agreed.
The next day, they came well prepared to the dean. The dean asked them to sit in different rooms. They agreed.
The test came.
The first question was: "whose wedding was it?"
The second and the last question was: "which tire was punctured"?



Emotional extremes

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."



You've red some of the best attending jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 27 puns about attending. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty attending gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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