Attending Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

For anyone attending Stan Lee's funeral...

Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.

An Elderly Couple

An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.

About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.

The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

A little girl is attending her first wedding...

And as the priest is reading the vows, she leans over to her mother and whispers, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explains, "and today is the happiest day in her life."

The child ponders this for a moment and then asks, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

A man is attending the Super Bowl, when he notices an empty seat.

Thinking this to be strange, the man asks the person sitting next to the empty seat if he knows who sits there. The guy replies: Well, I bought two tickets for my wife and I a long time ago, but she passed away. So the man asks: Couldn't you have brought someone else?

"They're all at the funeral."

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

The inventor of the air conditioner has died

Thousands of fans are attending his funeral

Yee-haw





Emotional extremes

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."



Another Irish joke involving beer

While attending the World Beer Conference, the CEOs of Anhueser-Busch, Coors, and Guiness went out to eat together. When the waitress asked them what they would like to drink, the CEO of Anhueser-Busch replied, "Get me a Budweiser, the king of beers!" Not to be outdone, the Coors CEO told her, "I want a Coors. It's as refreshing as a Rocky Mountain spring!" The waitress turned to the Guiness CEO, who ordered a Diet Coke. Surprised, his companions asked why he hadn't ordered a Guiness. Smiling, he told them, "I figured if you fellows weren't going to have a beer, I shouldn't either."

A woman gets married and has 3 kids...

A woman gets married and has 3 kids. Her husband dies shortly after.

The woman get remarried and has another 4 kids. Her husband dies shortly after.

The woman gets married a third time and has another 5 kids. Her husband dies shortly after.

After a little while the woman dies as well. Attending her funeral, two of her friends are talking:

"Well at least they're together again."

"Together with which one? She was married three times!"

"No, I meant her legs!"

The person who invented human cloning has died.

He will be attending his funeral tomorrow.

Guy gets pulled over by a cop at midnight:

"And where are you rushing to sir?"

"Officer, I'm attending a lecture on drinking and driving."

"Is that so? Who is giving a lecture at this time of the night?"

"My wife."

An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through, she leans over and says to him: "I just had silent passing of gas, what do you think I should do?"
He leans over to her and replies:
" Put a new battery in your Hearing Aid."

If there's one thing we can learn from Mac Miller...

It's how to get out of attending your ex's wedding

Celibacy (searched but didn't find...)

What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.
He then addressed the men.
Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?

Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,
Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

Four former U.S. presidents...

Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they're all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.

What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: I've come for some courage.

No problem! says the Wizard. Who is next?

Ronald Reagan steps forward, Well…I…I think I need a heart.

Done, says the Wizard.

Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?

Up steps George W. Bush, who says, I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.

Not a problem! says the Wizard. Consider it done.

There is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, What do you want?

Ummm, he says quietly, is Dorothy around?

An old man was in hospital. Lying in bed, he leaned over to the pretty young nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear "Give us a kiss, luv!"

"No!", replied the nurse

"Oh go on!", said the man

"No!", replied the nurse again

"Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick peck on the cheek?"

"For the last time, no!", said the nurse, "I shouldn't even be wanking you off!"

Four U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado...

Four U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado, that hits a state funeral they're all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.


What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: I've come for some courage.

No problem! says the Wizard. Who is next?

Ronald Reagan steps forward, Well…I…I think I need a heart.

Done, says the Wizard.

Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?

Up steps George W. Bush, who says, I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.

Not a problem! says the Wizard. Consider it done.

There is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, What do you want?

Ummm, he says quietly, is Dorothy around?

Dads favorite medical school joke.

Medical students were attending their 1st biochemistry class. They all gathered around the Lab table with a urine sample. The professor dip his finger in urine & tasted it in his own mouth.Β  Then he asked the students to do the same. The students hesitated for several minutes, but at last every one dipped their finger in urine sample & tasted it.... When everyone finished, the professor looked at them & said: The most important quality is 'Observation'.Β  I dipped my MIDDLE Finger but tasted the INDEX Finger. Today you just learn, how to pay attention.

A Rabbi and a priest went for a walk..........

While attending a religious convention. They stoped at a lake and decided to go for a swim. Since they did not have a change of clothes both decided they would skinny dip. Just as the last bit of clothing was stripped off a group of people came from the conference, the priest quickly covered his crotch with his hands while the rabbi placed his hands over his face. As the crowd got closer the priest said to the rabbi, "why dont you cover your shame"? The rabbi replied, "I do not know about you but, people recognize me by my face.

three black men are sitting on a park bench

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery in London were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the
sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological
oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society".

After the curator left, a Scotsman man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

Wife dreamed that she was attending a dick auction...

Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "They gave those away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

A man is attending the burial of his wife, who has just died.

When someone asks, 'Who is it who rests in peace here?', he answers, 'Me, now that I'm rid of her!'"

Doctors meeting

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

Three old men have just arrived in heaven and are attending an orientation meeting.

They are all asked, "When you are at the funeral and your friends and families are mourning, what would you like to hear them say about you?"



The first guy says, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man."



The second guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband and schoolteacher, and that I made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."



The last guy thinks a moment and says, "I think I'd like to hear them say 'Look! He's moving!'"

Nursing an asshole

A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does during an orgasm. "Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids

My favorite joke as a kid

A duck walks into a hardware store, goes up to the man attending the counter, and asks "Excuse me sir, do you sell any duck food here?" The man simply nods no and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns to the same store. The same guy is behind the counter and once again, the duck asks "Excuse me sir, do you have any duck food today?" The man, perplexed, looks at the duck and says "This is a hardware store. We don't sell duck food. Go away." The duck leaves.

The duck returned to the same hardware store everyday for a week, same guy behind the counter each time. After the 9th visit, the guy gets really angry, looks at the duck and yells "LISTEN HERE YOU STUPID DUCK! I DON'T SELL DUCK FOOD! NOT TODAY, OR EVER! IF YOU COME BACK IN HERE I'M GOING TO HIT YOU WITH A HAMMER!" The duck ran out of the store.

A couple of days passed. The duck peaks his head into the store, looks around, and then enters. He walks up to the guys and asks "Excuse me sir, I noticed that you were out of hammers in isle 5. Do you have any in back?" The guy looks at the duck and says "Sure don't. Sold out this morning." The duck looks around a says "Well if that's the case... Do you by chance have any duck food?"

George bush was attending a morning press conference...

Donald rumsfeld read the daily briefings aloud
"This morning, 3 Brazilian soilders were killed"

"OH MY GOD THATS TERRIBLE" Screamed the president
The room went silent, everyone was stunned by the presidents emotional outburst.

A moment passed when George asked in a quiet Texas tone "how many is three brazillion?"

You know the difference between a woman attending Sunday morning mass and a woman taking a Friday night bath?

One has hope in her soul; the other has soap in her hole.

Observation...

The students in a medical school were attending their first class in anatomy....

They all gathered around a surgery table on top of which, was a dead dog.

And to their horror, their professor stuck a finger into the dog's asshole and tasted it... then he asked them to repeat the same.

After much commotion, some of the students freaked out and left the class, while some followed through with the professor's demand in fear of losing grades...

After all the students had tasted the dead canine's glorious butthole, the professor spoke up...

"Today was an important class on observation and I hope all of you will pay attention in the future.... because I stuck my middle-finger in the dog's anus, but licked my forefinger".

I can't believe the crazy shit people do in church

I was attending a church service today when the person next lit up a cigarette, I couldn't believe it, I almost dropped my beer

I was arguing with a vegan for bringing beef brisket in a potluck party, not knowing everyone else attending the party is also vegan.

It was an unnecessary beef about an unnecessary beef

Special Ed.

When I started High School, my teacher told me that I'd be attending the "Special Ed" class. I'll be honest, I know that I'm special, but who the fuck is Ed?

I went to pick up from the dry cleaners, but the shop was closed.

They were away, attending to pressing matters.

Studies have shown that attending church can actually release frustration.

I guess that's where the priests come in.

Gandalf is Attending a Rock Concert...

Gandalf gets up on stage before the main act of a rock concert. He stares at the crowd, who cheer for the headlining band. "I am a conjurer of Cheap Trick!" He yells, and crowd surfs off to Valinor.

Two Engineers are attending a conference in China

Since they are going to the same place, the two engineers decide to share a taxi. While stuck in traffic, the American engineer glances out the window and exclaims, "Wow! What a magnificent skyscraper, it must have taken years to build!" "In my country, it would only take months to build." brags the Indian engineer. Curious as to how long the tower took to build, the American engineer asks the taxi driver, "Excuse me, but how old is that building over there?" The taxi driver replies, "Don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."

I'm like God's gift to women...

...if God was attending an ironic white elephant gift exchange.

Tom is attending his best friend's wedding

So, he started preparing for the wedding.
He bought the perfect gifts, the perfect shoes and all, went to the best barber, got everything right except for his suit.
He went to many stores, yet he couldn't find what he was looking for.
2 days before the wedding, Tom travels to Europe, goes to France, Italy, Germany, you name it, but he can't find the perfect suit.
2 more hours to the wedding, Tom is going around at his hometown, but no luck.

He finally goes home, looking disappointed and broken.
His mother felt sorry for him, but his dad wasn't.

Mother: why don't you help your son find what he's looking for?
Father: nah, don't worry about Tommy, he'll figure.

Good afternoon everyone, and thank you for attending the plastic surgery addicts support group

I see many new faces here today.

Which is disappointing.

Little Johnny was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his younger cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen." Little Johnny responded.

His cousin was amazed that he answered so quickly.

"How do you know that"

"Easy," said little Johnny, "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said "four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer."

Now I've seen everything!

I'm never attending a nudist beach again.

I met my exgirlfriend while I was attending college...

... I went to the local community college, but she went to the Christian University of North Texas which explains a lot.

What do you call a sick smoker attending the catholic mass ?

Winstonβ„’ Church-ill

I stopped attending my Cannibals Anonymous meetings…

I've had my fill.

Why did the rancher stop attending poker night with his marijuana smoking steers?

The steaks were getting too damn high.

The fire service is attending to a man who is trapped after falling into a vat of bourbon at the Jim Beam factory.

Although, he is said to be in good spirits.

Thank you for attending today's meeting. Please see the below meeting minutes:

Minute 1: "Hello I'm minute 1"
Minute 2: "Oh it's nice to meet you"

Why did the thievery presentation have to buy new chairs?

Everyone attending took a seat

Arab Joke

A young Arab guy joins a college in USA and attends classes everyday in a gold plated and diamond studded Ferrari.

A few days later he writes to his parents about the experience of attending college in USA. He wrote,"Dear Mom and Dad I am loving it over here. The college is very good and so are all of the students. The only problem for me is I am attending the college in a Ferrari while almost all of my classmates come here by train"

The parents replied," Dear Son we are happy to know you are loving the college life and like it over there but please dont embarrass us with small issues like your going to college by Car while your friends come in train. We have transferred 40 million dollars to your account. Buy a nice train for yourself and attend college in it!"

A little boy at a wedding...

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his younger cousin asked him, How many women can a man marry?

Sixteen. the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he answered so quickly. How do you know that?

Easy, the little boy said, all you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer'.

Rick is attending his wife's funeral

Someone asks: Who rests in peace here?

Rick: Me, now that this stupud bugger is gone.

I was attending a spoken word session. When the performer finished, it was dead silent.

Then I said, Oh snap .

Try explaining this

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

What are the funniest attending jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Attending? Well, here are the best Attending puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Attending pick up lines to share with friends.

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