Attendant Jokes
119 attendant jokes and hilarious attendant puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about attendant that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Get ready to fly high with the best attendant jokes out there! From Southwest flight attendants to parking attendants and everything in between, these jokes are sure to give you a chuckle. So sit back, relax, and enjoy this collection of funny stories featuring a variety of attendants, from a bathroom aide to a gas station doorman. No matter who they are, they will have you in stitches with their one-liners!
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Funniest Attendant Short Jokes
Short attendant jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The attendant humour may include short waiter jokes also.
- Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why. He said "inflation"
- My coworker just found out she won't be able to attend next week's Innuendo Conference… I guess I'll have to fill her slot instead.
- Everyone is talking about how the inaugural attendance was 1/40 of what it was in 2009... They don't understand how killer the commute from Moscow is.
- This is the third time my friends have agreed to attend a Whitesnake concert and haven't turned up Here I go again on my own.
- I attended a meet called "How Stop Taking Things Literally". "What brings you here?" asked the host on my first day.
I said, "My legs." - A flight attendant asks a man: -Sir, do you want something to drink?
-What are my options?
-Yes and No - A guy walked into a prosthetic limbs store. He picked up a false shoulder, arm and wrist.
The store attendant asked "Would you like a hand with that?" - My local gas station started charging money just to put air in your tires When I commented that this had been free for decades, the attendant just looked at me and said "that's inflation for you".
- I don't know why the beautiful attendant at IKEA reported me to the police All I asked was, "How much for one night stand?"
- How do you milk a sheep? Sell headphone for $549.
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Attendant One Liners
Which attendant one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with attendant? I can suggest the ones about officer and supervisor.
- Why didn't Bach attend Vivaldi's concert? He was baroque.
- What I deal with as a parking attendant… It's a lot.
- What did the football player say to the flight attendant? Put me in coach.
- Something really funny happened during attendance... ...You had to be there.
- A man walks into a brothel.. The attendant behind the desk says "Beat it. We're closed".
- Where do physicists attend church? At the center of mass.
- What do you call a dance that starts at 10? Attendance
- What kind of church does a triangle attend? Anglican.
- Jasmine tried to attend a "Disney Prince Only" gathering She wasn't Aladdin.
- I once made an apathetic club. No one cared enough to attend the meetings, though.
- Why didn't the sun have to attend university? It's already got thousands of degrees.
- So, I purchased tickets and attended a competition for hitting bongs… It was a Rip Off
- What did the Klingon say to the flight attendant? Today is a good day to fly.
- Attended my russian Friends wedding It was quite a soviet union
- Why cant the US kill COVID It doesn't attend school
Flight Attendant Jokes
Here is a list of funny flight attendant jokes and even better flight attendant puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A flight attendant says to a man... "Would you like headphones?"
The man replies, "How did you know my name was Phones?" - A flight attendant asked me if I wanted a drink. Me: what are the options?
Her: yes or no - I got cursed out by a flight attendant for asking to be moved away from a screaming baby Apparently they don't like that if it's your baby.
- A man boards a plane. An attractive flight attendant walks towards the man and asks: "Would you like some headphones?"
The man replies: "Yes, but how did you know my name was Phones?" - It was mealtime on an airplane... ...and the flight attendant asked a passenger if he would like some dinner.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied. - Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
- A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead rabbits. And the flight attendant says "Sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."
- A vulture carried two dead raccoons onto an airplane. The flight attendant looked at him and said, "Sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
- A man brought a dead animal onto a plane... When the flight attendant asked what he was doing, he simply replied, "It's my carrion luggage!"
- I've asked a flight attendant to change my seat because of crying baby next to me It turns out you can't do that if baby is yours.
Pilot Flight Attendant Jokes
Here is a list of funny pilot flight attendant jokes and even better pilot flight attendant puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call it when a flight attendant gets pregnant? Pilot error.
- My wife's an aspiring actor, and things most be going really well! On her last flight to LA (she's a flight attendant) she told me she did multiple pilots!
- I'm glad that flight attendants are never obese. So pilots have only one option for a soft landing.
Gas Station Attendant Jokes
Here is a list of funny gas station attendant jokes and even better gas station attendant puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Customer: "How much is a drop of gas?" Gas station attendant: "A drop? Free."
Customer: "A tank of drops of gas, please." - What did the armored personnel carrier (APC) driver say to the attendant at the gas station? Fill 'er up, full tank.
Parking Attendant Jokes
Here is a list of funny parking attendant jokes and even better parking attendant puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How is gorrila that works as parking lot attendant called? -ParKing Kong
Giggle-Inducing Attendant Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends
What funny jokes about attendant you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tending jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make attendant pranks.
For anyone attending Stan Lee's f**......
Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.
A m**... was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the m**... if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...
.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, " says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic
The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
I once attended a sermon at a church in Finland.
The congregation must have been huge Mortal Kombat fans because they were singing a Finnish hymn.
So there is a mother and her daughter sitting on the plane.
They haven't taken off yet and are still on the runway. The daughter, who is pretty young, say four or five, looks out the window and gets to thinking....
"Mommy. If big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens, then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"
And the mom, she's hungover and jet lagged.
"aw, baby, just go ask the stewardess"
So the daughter gets up to ask the flight attendant.
"Hey stewardess lady, if big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"
And the stewardss says "did your mother tell you to come ask me this?" The girl nods.
"well, you see, sweetheart, this is JetBlue. And we always pull out on time. That's why there's no baby airplanes. Go ask your mom about that."
A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be t**... and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
As migration approached, two elderly vultures
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
A young couple is out carousing one evening...(could be repost)
While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you t**... clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up.
When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to s**.... When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads.
She replies, "I can't, I'm n**...."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover yourself with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road.
When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her c**... and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."
New to Baseball
Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"
"Really? How'd you do that?"
"I dropped the ball."
A Child Didn't Attend School
Late afternoon, the grandma saw the teacher walking up their driveway. She asked her grandson, "Did you leave school early today?" He hung his head and admitted, "Yes Grandma." The grandma thought it was hilarious and assured him saying she would tell the teacher that she hadn't seen him all day. "Maybe you should go hide," she suggested. "Oh no, Grandma. *You* should hide, not me!" Surprised, she asked why. The grandson said, "I told the teacher you died!"
Blonde walks into a...
A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."
A little girl is attending her first wedding...
And as the priest is reading the vows, she leans over to her mother and whispers, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explains, "and today is the happiest day in her life."
The child ponders this for a moment and then asks, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Pilot Choice
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."
Gorilla Encounter
Two gay guys are at the Zoo. They come across a gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive e**.... The gay men are fascinated by this.
One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for two hours non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage.
An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"
"AM I HURT?" he shouts. "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called! He hasn't written!"
An Elderly Couple
An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.
About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.
The note said:" I just let out a silent f**..., what do you think I should do?"
Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree.
The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"
The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"
A blonde walks into a drycleaners
and says 'good morning' to the elderly attendant and hands him a blouse. The man didn't hear too well and asked, "Come again"?
The blonde turned red and giggled. "No, just mayonnaise this time."
Flight attendant landed this one on us yesterday
We just landed on the runway and the flight attendant annouces a message over the speaker.
"Hey folks...um yea sorry about that rough landing...
...wasn't the captains fault,
...definitely wasn't my fault,
...it was the asphalt."
The result: a perfect mix of laughs and groans.
So why don't Southern Belles attend o**... any more?
Too many thank-you notes to write
A preacher visits a prison to give a sermon.
All the inmates attend the service.
The preacher opens with
"It brings me joy to see you all here"
Henry Winkler on a plane
Henry Winkler is a passenger on a plane and the flight attendant asks him, "Would you like some headphones?"
He replies, "Yes, that would be very nice, but it's pronounced 'Fonz'."
There are 500 bricks on a plane...
- There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?
499
- What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge
- What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge
- The Lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why?
Giraffe. He's stuck in a refrigerator.
- Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?
The alligators are all at the birthday party.
- Sally dies anyways. Why?
She got hit in the head by a flying brick
The inventor of the air conditioner has died
Thousands of fans are attending his f**...
A woman got stung by a bee on the golf course
As she was allergic to bee stings, she frantically ran to the clubhouse to get help. "I've been stung by a bee," she cried to the clubhouse attendant. "Where were you stung?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole," she said. He replied, "I think your stance may be a little too wide."
Airline Safety
Taxiing down the tarmac, the 747 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a two hour delay, it finally took off.
Barry, a worried passenger asked the steward, "What was the problem?"
"Well, the pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine", explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
A drunk man
A drunk man is questioned by a police officer at midnight, asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to attend a lecture on alcohol a**... & ill effects on my health."
Officer: Really....??? Sounds interesting, Who is giving that lecture at this time of night.....???"
Man: "My Wife"!!!
A blonde boards a plane to Miami...
A blonde boards a plane to Miami and takes a seat in first class even though she has an economy ticket. A flight attendant tells her several times to move to economy class, but the blonde doesn't listen. Exasperated, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit. Seconds later the pilot steps out and whispers something in the blonde's ear. Immediately, she gets up from her seat and goes to economy class. Intrigued, the flight attendant asks the pilot how he managed to convince her to relinquish her seat.
"Easy" says the pilot, "I told her first class doesn't go to Miami"
A group of engineering proffesors got in a plane...
Before closing the doors, the flight attendants told them that the plane had been built by their own students. Scared, all of the teachers ran out of the plane, except one. The pilot came to him and asked him why he was so relaxed. The proffesor said "I know my students very well. And I'm sure that if this plane is really built by them, the thing won't even start!"
My colleague can no longer attend next week's seminar on innuendo...
Now I have to fill her slot...
A man attends his wife's f**....
His wife had been hit by a car. Incredibly, the car screeched around the block and struck her once more before speeding off, never to be found.
The man was accepting condolences after the service. An old friend said to him, "I know you'll miss her."
"*Miss* her?" the man replied. "I got her pretty good the first two times!"
A blonde goes to the dry cleaners.
She tells the attendant that she needs to have her dress cleaned.
However, the attendant wasn't paying attention. Snapping out of his day dream, he asked, "Come again?"
Giggling, the blonde replied, "No, just mustard this time."
I sleep better n**...
Why can't this flight attendant understand that?
A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...
She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"
The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."
A woman sees a sale sign that says "Tampons: 3 boxes for $5"
Wanting to take advantage of the deal, she goes into the store. The sales attendant immediately comes up to her and asks if he can help her, she says, "Yes, I saw a sign outside that said you have a sale going for tampons, are they really just $5 for three whole boxes?
The sales attendant replies," Yes ma'am, they're three boxes for $5, and there are no strings attached."
What do you call it when Argon, Neon, Krypton, Xenon, Radon, and Helium frequently attend church?
Noble Masses.
A guy, arriving at the hotel in his dream vacation, sends his wife an SMS but he accidentally mistyped her number...
...the text went to a widow, which had just attended to her husband f**....
When she read the message she instantly passed out. Here's the message:
"Hey, babe, this place is so peaceful. You're coming next week, I just made your reservation. I miss you so much. Bring light clothes cause the temperature here is hellish. Xoxo"
I drove four hours to attend a beauty pageant for meat products today.
Turns out it was a Miss Steak.
Jesus walks into a hotel...
He hands the attendant 3 nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?"
Two pilots are sitting in the cockpit, talking, when they realize they are flying over a huge crater.
"Wow, what a beautiful sight," says the first pilot.
"It is, isn't it?" the other pilot replies.
Then a flight attended joins them.
"Sir, what are we flying over?" she asks the first pilot.
"It's a crater. A meteor crashed into the earth and left that giant hole."
"Wow," replies the flight attendant. "And what's that building right next to it?"
"That's the visitors center," the second pilot says.
"Phew," she says. "They really got lucky, didn't they?"
A man is attending the Super Bowl, when he notices an empty seat.
Thinking this to be strange, the man asks the person sitting next to the empty seat if he knows who sits there. The guy replies: Well, I bought two tickets for my wife and I a long time ago, but she passed away. So the man asks: Couldn't you have brought someone else?
"They're all at the f**...."
A mother and her son are sitting in an airplane.
The kid looks up and asks, "Mommy? If big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"
Mom thinks to herself that he is too young and she doesn't want to get into this so she tells the boy, "Go ask the flight attendant; maybe she can answer that for you."
So, he walks up and asks, "Ma'am, if big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"
She had overheard the mother's attempt to pass this off and replies, "Tell your mom that I said it's because Southwest airlines always pulls out on time and have her explain that to you..."
A doctor fell into a watering hole.
Its his own fault. He should have attended to the sick and left the well alone.
A plane takes off with two hours delay. Once in the air a passenger asks the flight attendant:
"why did we take off so late?"
To which the flight attendant replies:
"well the pilot noticed some smoke and weird noises coming from the left engine and it took us a while to find another pilot willing to fly this plane."
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Two old ladies were attending a church service
And about half way through one says:
"I just did a silent f**..., what do you think I should do?"
The other woman proceeds to lean over slowly and say:
"Put some new batteries in your b**... hearing aids!"
Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking
An American flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board and reports it to the captain.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking! There is an extremely s**... female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, almost like she has no idea what is going to happen next. The man she is with is a fat old slob and old enough to be her father. He's very s**..., very sullen and although he speaks English, it is impossible to make out what he's trying to say."
The captain sighed and replied, "look Susan, we've been through this many times before, this is Air Force One..."
My hot flight attendant asked how I like my coffee
Trying to sound cool, I told her I like my coffee like I like my women. And that's when she told me "That's cute honey, but the coffee's free. You don't have to pay for it here!"
Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolates
So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.
The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"
The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"
The Pope exclaims, "Every couple of years?? What!!?? We're still waiting for his second coming!"
The alien replies, "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate?"
The Pope is flabbergasted, "What does chocolate have to do with anything?"
The alien says, "Well when he came the first time, we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys give him?"
A very very Very old joke :)
Why do you see a lot more old people attending church than you see young people?
Cramming for the final.
Trump actually attended Biden's inauguration
He was the crying baby you heard right before Biden took his oath
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, h**..., alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.
The officer then asks, Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?
The man replies, That would be my wife.
So, a m**... and an Irishman are on a plane
They were seated next to each other on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the m**... if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Help! is there a doctor on board?
DOCTOR: (rushing forward) Yes, I'm a doctor.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Oh thank god, this man is choking on an apple.
DOCTOR: (backing away) Oh no no no no no.
A guy limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
The attendant began to make it for him and said "Crushed nuts?" And the guy said, No, I just have a bad knee."
A high school senior visits a psychic...
"I've applied to 10 different colleges," the student said. "Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?"
"That is hard to say," said the psychic. "But you will spend an absurd sum of money."
"How do you know this?" the student asked.
The psychic replied,
"It's mostly intuition."
I attended a self-defence course.
At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...£380."
"I refuse to pay," I told him.
"You have to," he insisted.
"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."
So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me b**..., bruised and beaten.
He said, "£380. Cough it up."
"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."
Marriage Invitation!
I received a marriage invitation. In the end was printed. " Your presence itself is a gift. We don't want any gifts at the marriage."
I read it again and again. Was getting confused...
Finally I came to the conclusion, that I am not invited. And therefore decided not to attend
Dexter Holland wasn't always lead singer of the Offspring
Long ago he was in the seafood industry. He had a job shucking oysters for a restaurant. Anyway, one day he sees an ad for a competition in oyster shucking, but it is a team challenge. He shows up solo, and knows he won't be let in. His confidence is low at this point, but he still signs up. The attendant notices he only writes down one name, and asks why, to which Dexter replies:
"I'm just a shucker with no shellfish team"
I received a wedding invitation.
It read, "Your presence itself is a present. We don't want any presents at the wedding."
After re-reading it repeatedly, I concluded that I was not invited. So I decided not to attend.
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, h**..., alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."
On a flight from Dublin, Ireland to Boston, the chief flight attendant made an announcement...
"Due to a terrible mistake by the airline's caterer, there are only 80 dinners instead of the 225 required to feed all the passengers on board. To fix the situation, we are offering unlimited drinks to anybody who is willing to give up their meal".
Two hours before landing, another announcement was made. "There are still 80 meals available if anybody is hungry".
a teacher is doing attendance. she comes across the name hijkm she says i'm sorry, i'm not sure how to pronounce this name, then spells it out. a girl raises her hand and says this:
that's me, and it's pronounced noelle
A n**... police officer came to work
A n**... police officer came to work and his commander, shocked, asked him: "why did you come n**...?"
The police officer said: "There was a party last night I attended. At 00:00 all lights went off and we were in the dark. All of a sudden a voice said that all females should undress. You could hear u**.... Then after a while the same voice said all the males to get undressed. Everybody did that, so did I. And then after a minute the voice said GET TO WORK"
Commander: "And?"
Police officer: "And I came to work."
