The Best 73 Attendant Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Attendant jokes. There are some attendant waitress jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these attendant flight attendant puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Attendant Jokes and Puns

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said "inflation"

Ticket Please

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, instead he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Attendant joke, Ticket Please

So there is a mother and her daughter sitting on the plane.

They haven't taken off yet and are still on the runway. The daughter, who is pretty young, say four or five, looks out the window and gets to thinking....

"Mommy. If big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens, then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"

And the mom, she's hungover and jet lagged.

"aw, baby, just go ask the stewardess"

So the daughter gets up to ask the flight attendant.

"Hey stewardess lady, if big dogs have puppies and big cats have kittens then shouldn't big airplanes have little baby airplanes?"

And the stewardss says "did your mother tell you to come ask me this?" The girl nods.

"well, you see, sweetheart, this is JetBlue. And we always pull out on time. That's why there's no baby airplanes. Go ask your mom about that."

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."


One of my personal favorites (Thanks Good Will Hunting)

So I'm on a plane flying from New York to LA and the pilot gives his "now free to move about the cabin" message, only he forgets to turn off the mic, so the entire plane hears him when he turns to the copilot and says "Man I could really use a coffee and a blow job." The flight attendant runs to the cockpit to tell the pilot the mic was on, so I yell out "Hey honey, don't forget the coffee!"

A flight attendant says to a man...

"Would you like headphones?"
The man replies, "How did you know my name was Phones?"

Attendant joke, A flight attendant says to a man...

As migration approached, two elderly vultures

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

A blind man walks into a store...

...stands in the middle of the shop and starts swinging his guide-dog around his head. The shocked attendant hurries over and asks if he can help with anything.

"No thanks" says the blind man "I'm just looking around".

As a kid I used to get so excited to see the cockpit on the plane

As a kid I used to get so excited to see the cockpit on the plane. I would always sit on the isle seat and wait for the cockpit door to open. Sometime the flight attendant will get in the way and block your view, you know bend over in a sexy way sorting stuff or helping someone .so I say to her "HEY MOVE! I WANT TO SEE THE PLANES COCKPIT NOT YOURS"

A man brought a dead animal onto a plane...

When the flight attendant asked what he was doing, he simply replied, "It's my carrion luggage!"

You can explore attendant doorman reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean attendant helper dad jokes. There are also attendant puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Blonde walks into a...

A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."

A man is flying on a plane

Lady Flight attendant: hello, would you like some headphones?

Man: yeah I would, but how did you know my name was phones?

It was mealtime on an airplane...

...and the flight attendant asked a passenger if he would like some dinner.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

The guy was in the store buying a fake Christmas tree.

The shop attendant asked him, "Are you going to put that tree up yourself?"

The guy replied, "Don't be disgusting! I'm going to put it in the living room!"

A man is at the airport. The airline attendant asks the man, "Do you have any baggage?"

He replies, "I haven't talked to my parents in 3 years, I have depression, and I'm still a virgin."

Attendant joke, A man is at the airport. The airline attendant asks the man, "Do you have any baggage?"

A blonde walks into a drycleaners

and says 'good morning' to the elderly attendant and hands him a blouse. The man didn't hear too well and asked, "Come again"?

The blonde turned red and giggled. "No, just mayonnaise this time."

A vulture is boarding a plane with a dead raccoon under each wing, when the gate attendant stops him and says, "I'm sorry, sir..."

"...but you're only allowed *one* carrion."

Flight attendant landed this one on us yesterday

We just landed on the runway and the flight attendant annouces a message over the speaker.

"Hey folks...um yea sorry about that rough landing...

...wasn't the captains fault,

...definitely wasn't my fault,

...it was the asphalt."

The result: a perfect mix of laughs and groans.


So I was on a plane when the pilot makes his announcement..

"We will be arriving at our destination in 3 hours..." But he forgot to turn off the microphone and says to his co-pilot "Ahhh, I could really do with a BJ and a coffee right now!". So a flight attendant runs to the front of the plane and as she ran past I then said "HEY! Don't forget the coffee!"

Henry Winkler on a plane

Henry Winkler is a passenger on a plane and the flight attendant asks him, "Would you like some headphones?"

He replies, "Yes, that would be very nice, but it's pronounced 'Fonz'."

A woman got stung by a bee on the golf course

As she was allergic to bee stings, she frantically ran to the clubhouse to get help. "I've been stung by a bee," she cried to the clubhouse attendant. "Where were you stung?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole," she said. He replied, "I think your stance may be a little too wide."

A man boards a plane.

An attractive flight attendant walks towards the man and asks: "Would you like some headphones?"

The man replies: "Yes, but how did you know my name was Phones?"

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.

The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Twenty years ago my mother almost aborted my brother. Yesterday he died in a fight with a cloakroom attendant.

The coathanger still got him in the end.

A vulture carrying two dead squirrels lines up to board a plane

And the flight attendant says to him, "I'm terribly sorry, sir, but we only allow one carrion."

A blonde boards a plane to Miami...

A blonde boards a plane to Miami and takes a seat in first class even though she has an economy ticket. A flight attendant tells her several times to move to economy class, but the blonde doesn't listen. Exasperated, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit. Seconds later the pilot steps out and whispers something in the blonde's ear. Immediately, she gets up from her seat and goes to economy class. Intrigued, the flight attendant asks the pilot how he managed to convince her to relinquish her seat.
"Easy" says the pilot, "I told her first class doesn't go to Miami"

I've asked a flight attendant to change my seat because of crying baby next to me

It turns out you can't do that if baby is yours.

A man walks into a brothel..

The attendant behind the desk says "Beat it. We're closed".

A blonde goes to the dry cleaners.

She tells the attendant that she needs to have her dress cleaned.

However, the attendant wasn't paying attention. Snapping out of his day dream, he asked, "Come again?"

Giggling, the blonde replied, "No, just mustard this time."

I sleep better naked

Why can't this flight attendant understand that?

A man buys a Christmas tree.

As he goes to pay for the tree, the attendant says, "Are you putting the tree up yourself?"

The man replies, "Quit being disgusting. I'm putting the tree in my living room."

A vulture tries to board a plane whilst carrying a dead rabbit under his wing.

The flight attendant stops him, shaking his head.

"Sorry sir, you can't bring that on here. No carrion."

A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...

She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"

The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."

A guy walks in to a Hallmark Store.......

And asks the attendant:

Do you have a valentine's card that says: "Our love is unique, I love you with all my heart, you are the love of my life"?

Attendant says: How romantic,
Sure, We do have some.

The guy says: can I get 3 of those please.

A woman sees a sale sign that says "Tampons: 3 boxes for $5"

Wanting to take advantage of the deal, she goes into the store. The sales attendant immediately comes up to her and asks if he can help her, she says, "Yes, I saw a sign outside that said you have a sale going for tampons, are they really just $5 for three whole boxes?

The sales attendant replies," Yes ma'am, they're three boxes for $5, and there are no strings attached."

Customer: "How much is a drop of gas?"

Gas station attendant: "A drop? Free."

Customer: "A tank of drops of gas, please."

I tried getting on a plane with a dead moose once.

The attendant said I had to check it as luggage. I said, no it's carrion.

Jesus walks into a hotel...

He hands the attendant 3 nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?"

An Irish man and a Mormon sat next to each other on a plane.

The flight attendant comes and asks the Irish man if he wants a drink. He asks for a whiskey and the drink is promptly placed in front of him.

The flight attendant asks the Mormon:

"Do you want an alcoholic drink too?"

The Mormon responds:

"I would rather be assaulted by a dozen whores than have alcohol touch my lips."

The Irish man interrupts saying:

"In that case take my drink back. I didn't know we had a choice."

What did the Klingon say to the flight attendant?

Today is a good day to fly.

A Pharoah makes a reservation at a ski resort...

Pharaoh: I'd like to make a reservation for two please.

Attendant: Absolutely. Can I get your name please.

Pharoah: "Neferneferuaten"

Attendant: ...can you spell that out for me?

Pharaoh: Bird, double triangle, wavy line, dog head, more bird, flames..."

A mother and her son are sitting in an airplane.

The kid looks up and asks, "Mommy? If big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"

Mom thinks to herself that he is too young and she doesn't want to get into this so she tells the boy, "Go ask the flight attendant; maybe she can answer that for you."

So, he walks up and asks, "Ma'am, if big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"

She had overheard the mother's attempt to pass this off and replies, "Tell your mom that I said it's because Southwest airlines always pulls out on time and have her explain that to you..."

A female flight attendant walks down the isle and offers a man some headphones.

Would you like some headphones? She asks.

The man smiles a large grin.

Why certainly! He says, And how did you know my name was Phones?

Guys walks in to a parts store. Can I get a new gas cap for my Yugo?

The attendant replies, sounds like a fair trade to me.

A plane takes off with two hours delay. Once in the air a passenger asks the flight attendant:

"why did we take off so late?"

To which the flight attendant replies:

"well the pilot noticed some smoke and weird noises coming from the left engine and it took us a while to find another pilot willing to fly this plane."

The flight attendant asked me during the flight, could I offer you some free headphones?

So I replied, Sure, but how did you know my name is Phones?

I requested the flight attendant to switch my seat as I was next to a screaming baby.

Apparently you are not allowed to do that if the baby is yours.

I got cursed out by a flight attendant for asking to be moved away from a screaming baby

Apparently they don't like that if it's your baby.

A flight attendant asks a man:

-Sir, do you want something to drink?

-What are my options?

-Yes and No

Flight attendant - Can I offer you some free head phones?

Passenger - yeah sure but first tell me how did you know my name is Phones?

An attendant to President Trump comes in and tells him "Sir, your commission has reported that three Brazilian illegals voted for Hillary."

And so he yells "I knew it! Now how many is a 'brazilian'?"

Me to the Pet Store Attendant: "Do you have any chameleons?"

Pet Shop Attendant: "I have no idea"

A flight attendant walks up to a passenger and says, "Excuse me, would you like some headphones?"

Passenger smiles and replies, "How'd you know my name was Phones"?

A man gets kicked out of the public swimming pool...

As he's being removed he remonstrates 'but why'? The pool attendant says 'sir, you've been caught urinating in the pool.' The guy says 'sure, doesn't everyone?' To which the attendant replies' not from the side.'

Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking

An American flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board and reports it to the captain.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking! There is an extremely sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, almost like she has no idea what is going to happen next. The man she is with is a fat old slob and old enough to be her father. He's very sleazy, very sullen and although he speaks English, it is impossible to make out what he's trying to say."

The captain sighed and replied, "look Susan, we've been through this many times before, this is Air Force One..."

Something stinks on my flight

I can't find it. I know I'm not the only one. Everybody around me has scrunched up faces. Someone hit the flight attendant button. The flight attendant notices quickly as well, and begins searching for the source. She starts ripping open the overhead storage bins, smelling each one cautiously. With a wretch, she grabs one case from above, yanks it to the ground and opens it to find a dead rabbit. The owner immediately jumps up and tells, "Hey, that's my carrion!"

Um idk what to write so hi

A flight attendant sees a man watching a movie she sees he is only using captions so she walks up to him

Flight attendant: Hello would you like some headphones

Man: Of course i would but how did you know my name was phones?

My hot flight attendant asked how I like my coffee

Trying to sound cool, I told her I like my coffee like I like my women. And that's when she told me "That's cute honey, but the coffee's free. You don't have to pay for it here!"

I don't know why the beautiful attendant at IKEA reported me to the police

All I asked was, "How much for one night stand?"

A buzzard gets on a plane with a rotting rabbit carcass.

The flight attendant says "You can't bring that dead animal on the plane."

The buzzard replies "It's OK. That just my carrion."

I was on a plane recently and the flight attendant was doing the safety announcement 'In the event of an emergency please put your head between your knees" and a voice at the back of the plane shouted out..

" If I could do that I wouldn't be flying to Thailand"....

An Irishman and a Mormon are seated next to each other on a plane...

The flight attendant asks if they'd like anything to drink. The Irishman says I'll have a double shot of Jameson, and one for my new friend here.

No no no, says the Mormon. I would rather be sodomized by a dozen disease-infested whores than to let alcohol touch my lips.

The flight attendant blushes and turns away before the Irishman interjects, forget the whiskey—I didn't realize that was an option.

A flight attendant asked me if I wanted a drink.

Me: what are the options?

Her: yes or no

The lost and found attendant said I couldn't have my lost donkey, so we got into a fight.

Needless to say, I got my ass handed to me.

John Buttlicker went to the magistrate to change his name.

He went to the attendant and told that he has had major difficulties during his life because of his name.

Attendant: Surely I can see that you have the necessary aspects to change your name! Have you tought what you would change it to?

John Buttlicker: Well I've always liked more the name Alex...

So, a Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane

They were seated next to each other on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Help! is there a doctor on board?

DOCTOR: (rushing forward) Yes, I'm a doctor.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Oh thank god, this man is choking on an apple.

DOCTOR: (backing away) Oh no no no no no.

A guy limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

The attendant began to make it for him and said "Crushed nuts?" And the guy said, No, I just have a bad knee."

My local gas station started charging money just to put air in your tires

When I commented that this had been free for decades, the attendant just looked at me and said "that's inflation for you".

A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead rabbits.

And the flight attendant says "Sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 767 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

*"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."*

Last Minute

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the attendant carrion jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working attendant copilot piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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