The Best 84 Attend Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Attend jokes. There are some attend coastal jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these attend reunions puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Attend Jokes and Puns
Why is the priest mad about the church attendance?
Not enough kids attend church these days
For anyone attending Stan Lee's funeral...
Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.
Freddie Mercury was once out with a couple of friends.
They were having a good time, when he got up to leave. They asked him what was the matter.
He said he had some business to attend to at the local Bee Farm.
So they said
Bee's Mill, huh? We will not let you go!
I once attended a sermon at a church in Finland.
The congregation must have been huge Mortal Kombat fans because they were singing a Finnish hymn.
New to Baseball
Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"
"Really? How'd you do that?"
"I dropped the ball."
I once made an apathetic club.
No one cared enough to attend the meetings, though.
A Child Didn't Attend School
Late afternoon, the grandma saw the teacher walking up their driveway. She asked her grandson, "Did you leave school early today?" He hung his head and admitted, "Yes Grandma." The grandma thought it was hilarious and assured him saying she would tell the teacher that she hadn't seen him all day. "Maybe you should go hide," she suggested. "Oh no, Grandma. *You* should hide, not me!" Surprised, she asked why. The grandson said, "I told the teacher you died!"
I hated weddings as a kid
When I was younger,I had to attend many a wedding with my parents. Every single time, my aunts and other older relatives used to poke me with a smirk and tell me "You're next.".
They only stopped after I started doing the same thing with them at funerals.
I attended a very touching live demonstration on bukkake.
There wasn't a dry eye in the audience.
Have you guys heard the secret about butter?
I don't want to tell you because you might spread it around...
BONUS:
What concert is cheaper than 50 cents to attend?
50 Cent feat. Nickelback
*BUHDUMCHHH*
So why don't Southern Belles attend orgies any more?
Too many thank-you notes to write
You can explore attend attendance reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean attend event dad jokes. There are also attend puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I don't attend funerals, even if I was close with the deceased.
I'm just not a mourning person.
What show can you attend for only 45 Cents?
50 Cent ft. Nickelback.
A preacher visits a prison to give a sermon.
All the inmates attend the service.
The preacher opens with
"It brings me joy to see you all here"
Why didn't white people attend the Million Man March?
They had to go to work.
"I was going to attend the clairvoyants meeting..."
"...but it was canceled due to unforeseen events."
There are 500 bricks on a plane...
- There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?
499
- What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge
- What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge
- The Lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why?
Giraffe. He's stuck in a refrigerator.
- Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?
The alligators are all at the birthday party.
- Sally dies anyways. Why?
She got hit in the head by a flying brick
Coin toss
Little Johnny : I was feeling so sleepy this morning that I tossed a coin to decide whether I should attend class or go back to bed.
His Friend : So, what did you finally do?
Little Johnny : I had to toss 10 times before I could finally go back to bed.
Why wouldn't the dog attend the Veterans Day Parade?
There were too many vets.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn't attend.
Whats the worst the thing about having to attend a funeral?
The guest of honor always shows up late!
A drunk man
A drunk man is questioned by a police officer at midnight, asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to attend a lecture on alcohol abuse & ill effects on my health."
Officer: Really....??? Sounds interesting, Who is giving that lecture at this time of night.....???"
Man: "My Wife"!!!
Why your oven doesn't attend an university?
It already has at least hundred degrees
What time does Sean Connery attend the Wimbeldon?
tenish.
Some grammar Nazis told me about a seminar they are going to attend about cause and effect.
They're there to affect its effect and it's there for their two affects too.
The son of a terrorist....
A teenage son of a terrorist was busted by his dad for skipping school.
"Farhad, why did you not attend school today?"
"Well," the boy said, "all my friends skipped school--"
"Ach! Farhad, must you always do what your friends do? I suppose if your friends wanted to live long, prosperous lives of peace and tranquility, you'd do that too, right?"
My colleague can no longer attend next week's seminar on innuendo...
Now I have to fill her slot...
A man tried to attend a boxing competition but he couldn't find out where to queue
there is no punch line
After a long day, Hillary gets home and complains to Bill about her day.
Hillary: Today, at one grassroots event, people called me a liar.
Bill: Don't try to fool me, you never attend grassroots events.
Why didn't the sun have to attend university?
It's already got thousands of degrees.
What kind of church does a triangle attend?
Anglican.
Why didn't the insomniac attend his uncle's funeral?
he's not a mourning person
A White House aide tells Donald Trump that one hundred people will attend his next event.
"A hundred thousand people?" Trump asks, "Do we even have enough room for 1.5 million people?"
What school did Darth Vader attend?
Univer-sith-y
... I'll let myself out.
I had to attend a seminar for psychics and fortune-tellers.
Unfortunately, it has been canceled due to unforeseen circumstances.
What do you call it when Argon, Neon, Krypton, Xenon, Radon, and Helium frequently attend church?
Noble Masses.
If lysis means rupture...
then I would hate to attend the analysis meetings scheduled for tomorrow
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
When I was young I decided I wanted to attend medical school...
At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the following alphabets:
P N E I S
The question asked us to rearrange the letters in a way that it would spell the most important part of the body that is most useful when straight.
Those who answered *SPINE* are doctors today, and the rest of them are my friends.
I drove four hours to attend a beauty pageant for meat products today.
Turns out it was a Miss Steak.
Heard at Mass today that the government is providing scholarships to students who'd like to attend religious institutions...
Someone Alert the Masses!
Why didn't Bach attend Vivaldi's concert?
He was baroque.
Students are excited to attend the geology class at the local school.
They say it totally rocks.
I attended a sexual harassment seminar recently
so now i think im gonna be pretty good at it
Just attended my mother in-laws funeral.
Apparently "Ding Dong The Witch is Dead" was not an appropriate song for the occasion.
This is the third time my friends have agreed to attend a Whitesnake concert and haven't turned up
Here I go again on my own.
When I was 14, I attended a party in Hollywood.
I swear, someone must have slipped something into my drink because after awhile I was definitely feeling spacey.
When I was kid, everytime we attend a wedding...
My grandparents always tease me that I will be next. They were not happy when I said the same thing when we saw a funeral procession.
The Society for Handling the Advancement of Knee-high Epileptics encourages you to attend the grand opening...
of the grab-n-go pizza restaurant Little Seizures
Where do physicists attend church?
At the center of mass.
I don't think I'll attend Christmas dinner this year.
My wife gave me a haircut this morning, and now she said she's going to make Christmas dinner with all the trimmings.
Why didn't Pence attend the biathlon?
He opposed all the biathletes
I needed a woman escort to attend an event but I couldnt find one
So I had my buddy dress up as Iron Man, that way he was Fe male.
What do you call a last minute Catholic Church service that everyone needs to attend?
Critical Mass
England will in fact attend the World Cup.
They have, however, agreed to not go past the group stage.
I heard Shrek opened a new church so I decided to attend.
First thing they told us to do was open our bibles to Psalm: body once told me.
We attended a wedding this weekend for Bobby-Joe and Bobby-Ann. It was a beautiful wedding and it just goes to show that...
there's somebobby for everybobby.
A guy was lying down on a hospital bed, waiting for his doctor to arrive
After 4 hours, the doctor arrived, all sweaty and tired.
"Sorry I'm late." The doctor said, "I had to attend my son's baseball game."
The guy replied, "It's okay doc, I'm patient."
Jasmine tried to attend a "Disney Prince Only" gathering
She wasn't Aladdin.
I never attend the funerals of my friends...
Because they won't be there at mine
Ouch
My sister has always been fascinated with cell biology and she moved across state to attend a better college, moving her into her dorm we moved a dresser to benefit the small space she had and in doing so she dropped it on my foot. I yelled out MITOSIS!
(This is my first original joke be gentle)
Someone stole my calendar. Bad news for them...
They have to attend my mother-in-law's party next weekend.
Now I've seen everything!
I'm never attending a nudist beach again.
I enroled in courses of hypnosis
The first lessons didn't please me and so I determined to pay direct for a year in advance and not to attend there
An attendant to President Trump comes in and tells him "Sir, your commission has reported that three Brazilian illegals voted for Hillary."
And so he yells "I knew it! Now how many is a 'brazilian'?"
The Catholic church wants more people interested in priesthood.
They have got a lot of bad publicity lately so they just released a new campaign. They are offering scholarships for 100 lucky boys that can attend private school to become a priest for free.
Their slogan: "Find the priest inside of you."
I attended an amazing and emotional wedding last night!
Even the cake was in tiers.
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
A circle trying to convince a deadbeat dad to attend his son's game:
Sir, come for Ence.
Since isolation started, my work insists that we use Omegle for all our meetings
I didn't attend though, everyone there seems like a bunch of wankers.
A priest was invited to attend a house party
.Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.
A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.
When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked him, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"
The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."
Donald Trump had to attend an important military briefing
After waiting around 10 minutes, everyone who had to arrive arrived.
One of the generals stands up and says "So, shall we begin the meeting?"
Donald Trump coughs loudly, and then says "We cannot begin this meeting without the president present!"
"But... you are the president..."
Donald Trump nods. "Exactly! So where's my present!"
What happens when you hear that a meme died in New?
You attend a memeorial service.
My local high school was renamed from Stonewall Jackson High School to Unity Reed High School.
_What school do you attend?_
U.R. High
Attended my russian Friends wedding
It was quite a soviet union
Cincinnati Bengals allowing 2,500 fans into the stadium for the first game.
Word is, now they're looking for 2,000 volunteers to attend the game.
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he was going to attend the 18th century composer costume party.
He said, Yes, I'll be Bach .
My fiance is talking about having a dream wedding...
Thank God it's a dream, I did not want to attend
I attended an online class to learn how to be a pirate.....
Actually it was sort of a webinAHRRRR
Catholic Church service on Sunday has been renamed!
They now attend Sunday Mask.
Why were there so few capitol police during Jan 6th riots?
Well you can't make them work when they already booked the day off to attend the protest!
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.
The officer then asks, Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?
The man replies, That would be my wife.
Why cant the US kill COVID
It doesn't attend school
Why should I attend my friend's funeral?
They're not going to attend mine.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the attend participate jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working attend seminar piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.