Attend Jokes

Following is our collection of attendance humor and coastal one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Attend puns for adults, dirty event jokes or clean reunions gags for kids.

There is an abundance of participate jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 84 funniest jokes on attend. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any seminar witze you can hear about attend.

The Best jokes about Attend

For anyone attending Stan Lee's funeral...

Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.

This is the third time my friends have agreed to attend a Whitesnake concert and haven't turned up

Here I go again on my own.

Why didn't Bach attend Vivaldi's concert?

He was baroque.

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

A drunk man

A drunk man is questioned by a police officer at midnight, asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to attend a lecture on alcohol abuse & ill effects on my health."
Officer: Really....??? Sounds interesting, Who is giving that lecture at this time of night.....???"

Man: "My Wife"!!!


New to Baseball

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

So why don't Southern Belles attend orgies any more?

Too many thank-you notes to write

My colleague can no longer attend next week's seminar on innuendo...

Now I have to fill her slot...

What do you call it when Argon, Neon, Krypton, Xenon, Radon, and Helium frequently attend church?

Noble Masses.

There are 500 bricks on a plane...

- There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

499

- What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge

- What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge

- The Lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why?

Giraffe. He's stuck in a refrigerator.

- Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?

The alligators are all at the birthday party.

- Sally dies anyways. Why?

She got hit in the head by a flying brick

I drove four hours to attend a beauty pageant for meat products today.

Turns out it was a Miss Steak.


Have you guys heard the secret about butter?

I don't want to tell you because you might spread it around...

BONUS:

What concert is cheaper than 50 cents to attend?

50 Cent feat. Nickelback

*BUHDUMCHHH*

I heard Shrek opened a new church so I decided to attend.

First thing they told us to do was open our bibles to Psalm: body once told me.

A priest was invited to attend a house party

.Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.

A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.

When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked him, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"

The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."

A Child Didn't Attend School

Late afternoon, the grandma saw the teacher walking up their driveway. She asked her grandson, "Did you leave school early today?" He hung his head and admitted, "Yes Grandma." The grandma thought it was hilarious and assured him saying she would tell the teacher that she hadn't seen him all day. "Maybe you should go hide," she suggested. "Oh no, Grandma. *You* should hide, not me!" Surprised, she asked why. The grandson said, "I told the teacher you died!"

Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his blonde brother and told him, 'Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and then send me the bill.'

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
But when the $200.00 bills kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.

'Well,' said the Blonde brother, 'you said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie. So I rented him a tuxedo.'

Where do physicists attend church?

At the center of mass.

I attended a very touching live demonstration on bukkake.

There wasn't a dry eye in the audience.

An attendant to President Trump comes in and tells him "Sir, your commission has reported that three Brazilian illegals voted for Hillary."

And so he yells "I knew it! Now how many is a 'brazilian'?"


A Hillbilly is the First in his Family to Attend Ninth Grade...

Jethro is the first in a long line of hillbillies and bumpkins to attend schooling beyond the eighth grade. After his first day of high school, the whole family is bursting with pride to see him swaggering up the driveway.

His father says, "Jethro, come tell us about that fancy high school! What'd you learn up there today?"

Jethro says, "Pa, they taught me some al-gee-bra."

His father is dumbstruck. "What is al-gee-bra, boy?"

Jethro says, "I ain't too sure. I think it's a math language."

His father says, "Well, speak some of that fancy al-gee-bra for us!"

Jethro says, "Pi R Squared."

Everyone in the family stops smiling. Jethro's father shakes his head. "No, boy. Pie are round. Cornbread are squared."

When I was young I decided I wanted to attend medical school...

At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the following alphabets:
 

P  N  E  I  S
 

The question asked us to rearrange the letters in a way that it would spell the most important part of the body that is most useful when straight.
 

Those who answered *SPINE* are doctors today, and the rest of them are my friends.

Marketing 101

A professor explained about marketing to MBA students.
1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party, you go to her and say I am rich, marry me. That's direct marketing.
2. You attend a party and your friend goes to the girl to tell her, he's rich, marry him. That's advertising.
3. The same girl at the party walks to you and says, you're rich, do you want to marry me? That's brand recognition.
4. You say I'm rich, marry me and she introduces you to her husband. That's the demand and supply gap.
5. Before you say I'm rich, marry me, your wife arrives. That's restriction from entering a new market.

What kind of church does a triangle attend?

Anglican.

A rookie police officer notices an older man driving through the middle of a small town at 2 am….

and it had been a pretty slow night and so he decided to pull in over to see if he needed any assistance.

"Where are you going sir?," asked the young officer.

"I am on my way to attend a lecture concerning the negative effects of alcohol on interpersonal relationships," said the man.

"Who would hold such a lecture at this time of night?" asked the officer.

"That would be my wife," said the man.

Why is everyone picking on Jews?

A comedian was going into his favourite joke, "One day, Moskowitz and Finkelstein were going to..." when a heckler from the audience interrupted.

"Moskowitz and Finkelstein! why does it always have to be two Jews? Can't you tell a joke with any other nationalities involved!? Why don't you make them Chinese for a change?"

The comedian rejoined, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend. How about this: One day, Lee Ho and Mao Chen were on their way to the synagogue to attend the bar mitzvah of Lee Ho's nephew..."

Let us revive and old one.

There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

499.

How do you put an elephant into a fridge?

Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.

How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?

Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door.

The Lion King is having a party and all animals attend except for one. Which one and why?

The giraffe because he is in the fridge.

Sarah wants to cross a crocodile-infest river with no way to get across but swim. How does she cross safely?

Swims. The crocodiles are at the party.

Sarah dies anyways. Why?

The brick that fell out of the plane hit her on the head.

I hated weddings as a kid

When I was younger,I had to attend many a wedding with my parents. Every single time, my aunts and other older relatives used to poke me with a smirk and tell me "You're next.".
They only stopped after I started doing the same thing with them at funerals.

What happens when you put an elephant in the refrigerator?

Answer:It becomes cold duh!

What happens you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

What people say:It becomes cold?

Correct Answer: You can't put it there, the elephant is already in there.


The Lion is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?

Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.

There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.

Jasmine tried to attend a "Disney Prince Only" gathering

She wasn't Aladdin.

Students are excited to attend the geology class at the local school.

They say it totally rocks.

I once attended a sermon at a church in Finland.

The congregation must have been huge Mortal Kombat fans because they were singing a Finnish hymn.

I once made an apathetic club.

No one cared enough to attend the meetings, though.

Why didn't the sun have to attend university?

It's already got thousands of degrees.

The Catholic church wants more people interested in priesthood.

They have got a lot of bad publicity lately so they just released a new campaign. They are offering scholarships for 100 lucky boys that can attend private school to become a priest for free.

Their slogan: "Find the priest inside of you."

I attended a sexual harassment seminar recently

so now i think im gonna be pretty good at it

What do you call a last minute Catholic Church service that everyone needs to attend?

Critical Mass

Cincinnati Bengals allowing 2,500 fans into the stadium for the first game.

Word is, now they're looking for 2,000 volunteers to attend the game.

Can you help out my friend?

A friend of mine has two tickets for the England v. Sweden football match this Saturday. He has already paid Β£800 for flights and accommodation. However, he was devastated the other day when he realised it clashes with his wedding and he won't be able to attend after all.

Would anyone be interested in taking his place? It all gets underway in West London at 3pm on Saturday July 7th. The bride's name is Lucy, 30 years old, weighs about 60kg. She is financially independent and an excellent cook, and her other interests include tennis and classical music.

Donald Trump had to attend an important military briefing

After waiting around 10 minutes, everyone who had to arrive arrived.

One of the generals stands up and says "So, shall we begin the meeting?"

Donald Trump coughs loudly, and then says "We cannot begin this meeting without the president present!"

"But... you are the president..."

Donald Trump nods. "Exactly! So where's my present!"

A man's estranged father passed away suddenly...

and he was unable attend the funeral. But when he discovered that he was the beneficiary of the life insurance and with the sudden passing and him being his fathers only family, he was overcome with guilt so he contacted the funeral home to make the arrangements and asked that his father have all the best and be buried in a beautiful casket and in a lovely cemetery at the top of a hill.

Well, the next month, he gets a bill for a considerable some, which seemed fair, so he paid it. But then the next month he got another bill. He decided, sure there was probably some residual balance, so he paid it as well.

The following month he got yet another bill from the funeral home, which seemed odd. So he called them to ask about it. "Didn't you say you wanted your father to have all the best when he was buried?"

"I did."

"Well we rented him a tux."

Someone stole my calendar. Bad news for them...

They have to attend my mother-in-law's party next weekend.

I needed a woman escort to attend an event but I couldnt find one

So I had my buddy dress up as Iron Man, that way he was Fe male.

Invitation to a Scientists' ball

Some of the replies from the scientists invited:

Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.

Volta was electrified and Archimedes, buoyant at the thought.

Ampere was worried he wasn't up to current research.

Ohm resisted the idea at first.

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.

Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.

Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.

Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

Dr Jekyll declined -- he hadn't been feeling himself lately.

Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now must dash."

Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.

Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.

Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.

Audobon said he'd have to wing it.

Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.

Darwin said he'd have to see what evolved.

Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?

Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.

Descartes said he'd think about it.

Newton was moved to attend.

Pavlov was drooling at the thought.

Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.

JP Clark & Siegfried the Deerslayer Wanna-Be

The son of a terrorist....

A teenage son of a terrorist was busted by his dad for skipping school.
"Farhad, why did you not attend school today?"
"Well," the boy said, "all my friends skipped school--"
"Ach! Farhad, must you always do what your friends do? I suppose if your friends wanted to live long, prosperous lives of peace and tranquility, you'd do that too, right?"

Heard at Mass today that the government is providing scholarships to students who'd like to attend religious institutions...

Someone Alert the Masses!

Attended my russian Friends wedding

It was quite a soviet union

I don't think I'll attend Christmas dinner this year.

My wife gave me a haircut this morning, and now she said she's going to make Christmas dinner with all the trimmings.

A White House aide tells Donald Trump that one hundred people will attend his next event.

"A hundred thousand people?" Trump asks, "Do we even have enough room for 1.5 million people?"

Bubba n' Buford III

Bubba n' Buford jes left Texas A&M where they'd attend a seminar entitled "Advanced Composting" n' were a headin' back up Highway 79 towards east Texas. After a bit they got into an argument over whether Marquez was pronounced Mar-KEY or Mar-KAY. Well, they decided since they were about to go through Marquez they'd stop at the Dairy Queen for lunch n' ask, n' whoever was right would pay for lunch n' that they did. After orderin' Bubba smiles n' asks the waitress, "My friend Buford n' I been arguin' over how to pronounce this place. Could you tell us." The blonde waitress smiles n' says very slowly... "Dairy Queen."

My local high school was renamed from Stonewall Jackson High School to Unity Reed High School.

_What school do you attend?_

U.R. High

"I was going to attend the clairvoyants meeting..."

"...but it was canceled due to unforeseen events."

England will in fact attend the World Cup.

They have, however, agreed to not go past the group stage.

Good seafood

A business man was flying back to Boston to attend a convention after having lived in the mid-west for a number of years. He was very much looking forward to having some fresh local seafood. On the way to his hotel in a taxi, he thought that since he had been away for so long that he'd have to ask the driver for a good restaurant recommendation.
"Hey buddy, where's a good place to get scrod around here?", he asked. The driver looked into the rear view mirror and replied, "I've heard it asked a lot of ways before, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive."

Why didn't the insomniac attend his uncle's funeral?

he's not a mourning person

Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?

The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"

A guy was lying down on a hospital bed, waiting for his doctor to arrive

After 4 hours, the doctor arrived, all sweaty and tired.

"Sorry I'm late." The doctor said, "I had to attend my son's baseball game."

The guy replied, "It's okay doc, I'm patient."

A Spanish Gift

A woman goes to Spain to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says, "A Spanish girl!"

The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked.

"The one I asked for - a Spanish girl!!"

"Oh, that," she said "Well, I did what I could; now we'll have to wait for a few months to see if it is a boy or a girl!"

I never attend the funerals of my friends...

Because they won't be there at mine

Why didn't white people attend the Million Man March?

They had to go to work.

When I was 14, I attended a party in Hollywood.

I swear, someone must have slipped something into my drink because after awhile I was definitely feeling spacey.

Why didn't Pence attend the biathlon?

He opposed all the biathletes

After a long day, Hillary gets home and complains to Bill about her day.

Hillary: Today, at one grassroots event, people called me a liar.

Bill: Don't try to fool me, you never attend grassroots events.

Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn't attend.

Freddie Mercury was once out with a couple of friends.

They were having a good time, when he got up to leave. They asked him what was the matter.

He said he had some business to attend to at the local Bee Farm.

So they said

Bee's Mill, huh? We will not let you go!

I don't attend funerals, even if I was close with the deceased.

I'm just not a mourning person.

Ouch

My sister has always been fascinated with cell biology and she moved across state to attend a better college, moving her into her dorm we moved a dresser to benefit the small space she had and in doing so she dropped it on my foot. I yelled out MITOSIS!

(This is my first original joke be gentle)

Why your oven doesn't attend an university?

​​It already has at least hundred degrees​​

We attended a wedding this weekend for Bobby-Joe and Bobby-Ann. It was a beautiful wedding and it just goes to show that...

there's somebobby for everybobby.

A circle trying to convince a deadbeat dad to attend his son's game:

Sir, come for Ence.

Why wouldn't the dog attend the Veterans Day Parade?

There were too many vets.

What show can you attend for only 45 Cents?

50 Cent ft. Nickelback.

Coin toss

Little Johnny : I was feeling so sleepy this morning that I tossed a coin to decide whether I should attend class or go back to bed.


His Friend : So, what did you finally do?


Little Johnny : I had to toss 10 times before I could finally go back to bed.

Two Slugs Go To the Races

Two slugs attend an automobile derby at which all of the drivers are snails. The two arrive in the middle of the race, and they quickly realize that while other races may have their cars numbered, this derby labels the vehicles with letters from A to Z. They're surprised by this, but quickly find that it makes identifying the cars much easier.

As they find their seats, they hear the growling of an engine off in the distance. Both turn to look just in time to see one of the snail motorists go whipping past them, far ahead of the competition. One slug turns to the other and says, "Look at that S car go!"

The Jewish Kid at the Catholic School

A Jewish family just moved into a new town because of the fathers work and are looking for a good school for their son to attend. Since the public schools are notoriously terrible, they look to the private schools. After asking around, they learn that St. John's Academy is by far their best option. The boy is a great student and does well in every subject. Except math. Year after year he fails math. His parents are confused because he is such an excellent student in all other subjects. They even get him a tutor, but he continues to fail.
A few years later, they move again. Another new school. But this time it is a public school. He passes math the first semester with an A. His parents ask him why math had been so hard for him at St. John's.
He replied "Well in the classroom they had a picture of a guy nailed to a plus sign and I couldn't focus because I thought I was next!"

I enroled in courses of hypnosis

The first lessons didn't please me and so I determined to pay direct for a year in advance and not to attend there

Who's yelling?

There was a man who decided to attend a baseball game by himself. As he sat down he realized he wanted a soda and a hot dog. He goes up and purchases it, but as he is about to sit back down, someone yells out

"HEY, STEVE!".

The man turns around quickly and spills his soda all over his lap. He doesn't say anything and gets up in order to go get another. He once again returns to his seat with a fresh soda in hand. Once again a sudden,

"HEY, STEVE!"

Once again the man turns quickly to see who is yelling and there goes the soda. Without any response he is flustered, but convinces himself to go get one more soda. And right as he sits down,

"HEY, STEVE!"

The man quickly turns around and yells,

"MY NAME IS NOT STEVE!"

If lysis means rupture...

then I would hate to attend the analysis meetings scheduled for tomorrow

The Society for Handling the Advancement of Knee-high Epileptics encourages you to attend the grand opening...

of the grab-n-go pizza restaurant Little Seizures

When I was kid, everytime we attend a wedding...

My grandparents always tease me that I will be next. They were not happy when I said the same thing when we saw a funeral procession.

Now I've seen everything!

I'm never attending a nudist beach again.

What time does Sean Connery attend the Wimbeldon?

tenish.

A preacher visits a prison to give a sermon.

All the inmates attend the service.
The preacher opens with

"It brings me joy to see you all here"

I had to attend a seminar for psychics and fortune-tellers.

Unfortunately, it has been canceled due to unforeseen circumstances.

Whats the worst the thing about having to attend a funeral?

The guest of honor always shows up late!

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes