Attend Jokes

Freddie Mercury was once out with a couple of friends.

They were having a good time, when he got up to leave. They asked him what was the matter.
He said he had some business to attend to at the local Bee Farm.
So they said
Bee's Mill, huh? We will not let you go!

I once attended a sermon at a church in Finland.

The congregation must have been huge Mortal Kombat fans because they were singing a Finnish hymn.

New to Baseball

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"
"Really? How'd you do that?"
"I dropped the ball."

A Child Didn't Attend School

Late afternoon, the grandma saw the teacher walking up their driveway. She asked her grandson, "Did you leave school early today?" He hung his head and admitted, "Yes Grandma." The grandma thought it was hilarious and assured him saying she would tell the teacher that she hadn't seen him all day. "Maybe you should go hide," she suggested. "Oh no, Grandma. *You* should hide, not me!" Surprised, she asked why. The grandson said, "I told the teacher you died!"

I hated weddings as a kid

When I was younger,I had to attend many a wedding with my parents. Every single time, my aunts and other older relatives used to poke me with a smirk and tell me "You're next.".
They only stopped after I started doing the same thing with them at funerals.

I attended a very touching live demonstration on b**....

There wasn't a dry eye in the audience.

Have you guys heard the secret about butter?

I don't want to tell you because you might spread it around...
BONUS:
What concert is cheaper than 50 cents to attend?
50 Cent feat. Nickelback
*BUHDUMCHHH*

So why don't Southern Belles attend o**... any more?

Too many thank-you notes to write

What show can you attend for only 45 Cents?

50 Cent ft. Nickelback.

A preacher visits a prison to give a sermon.

All the inmates attend the service.
The preacher opens with
"It brings me joy to see you all here"

Why didn't white people attend the Million Man March?

They had to go to work.

"I was going to attend the clairvoyants meeting..."

"...but it was canceled due to unforeseen events."

Coin toss

Little Johnny : I was feeling so sleepy this morning that I tossed a coin to decide whether I should attend class or go back to bed.
His Friend : So, what did you finally do?
Little Johnny : I had to toss 10 times before I could finally go back to bed.

Why wouldn't the dog attend the Veterans Day Parade?

There were too many vets.

Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn't attend.

A drunk man

A drunk man is questioned by a police officer at midnight, asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to attend a lecture on alcohol a**... & ill effects on my health."
Officer: Really....??? Sounds interesting, Who is giving that lecture at this time of night.....???"
Man: "My Wife"!!!

Why your oven doesn't attend an university?

​​It already has at least hundred degrees​​

What time does Sean Connery attend the Wimbeldon?

tenish.

The son of a t**.......

A teenage son of a t**... was busted by his dad for skipping school.
"Farhad, why did you not attend school today?"
"Well," the boy said, "all my friends skipped school--"
"Ach! Farhad, must you always do what your friends do? I suppose if your friends wanted to live long, prosperous lives of peace and tranquility, you'd do that too, right?"

My colleague can no longer attend next week's seminar on innuendo...

Now I have to fill her slot...

After a long day, Hillary gets home and complains to Bill about her day.

Hillary: Today, at one grassroots event, people called me a liar.
Bill: Don't try to fool me, you never attend grassroots events.

Why didn't the insomniac attend his uncle's f**...?

he's not a mourning person

A White House aide tells Donald Trump that one hundred people will attend his next event.

"A hundred thousand people?" Trump asks, "Do we even have enough room for 1.5 million people?"

I had to attend a seminar for psychics and fortune-tellers.

Unfortunately, it has been canceled due to unforeseen circumstances.

What do you call it when Argon, Neon, Krypton, Xenon, Radon, and Helium frequently attend church?

Noble Masses.

If lysis means rupture...

then I would hate to attend the analysis meetings scheduled for tomorrow

Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?

The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"

I drove four hours to attend a beauty pageant for meat products today.

Turns out it was a Miss Steak.

Heard at Mass today that the government is providing scholarships to students who'd like to attend religious institutions...

Someone Alert the Masses!

Students are excited to attend the geology class at the local school.

They say it totally rocks.

I attended a s**... harassment seminar recently

so now i think im gonna be pretty good at it

When I was 14, I attended a party in Hollywood.

I swear, someone must have slipped something into my drink because after awhile I was definitely feeling spacey.

When I was kid, everytime we attend a wedding...

My grandparents always tease me that I will be next. They were not happy when I said the same thing when we saw a f**... procession.

I don't think I'll attend Christmas dinner this year.

My wife gave me a haircut this morning, and now she said she's going to make Christmas dinner with all the trimmings.

Why didn't Pence attend the biathlon?

He opposed all the biathletes

I needed a woman e**... to attend an event but I couldnt find one

So I had my buddy dress up as Iron Man, that way he was Fe male.

What do you call a last minute Catholic Church service that everyone needs to attend?

Critical Mass

England will in fact attend the World Cup.

They have, however, agreed to not go past the group stage.

I heard Shrek opened a new church so I decided to attend.

First thing they told us to do was open our bibles to Psalm: body once told me.

We attended a wedding this weekend for Bobby-Joe and Bobby-Ann. It was a beautiful wedding and it just goes to show that...

there's somebobby for everybobby.

A guy was lying down on a hospital bed, waiting for his doctor to arrive

After 4 hours, the doctor arrived, all sweaty and tired.
"Sorry I'm late." The doctor said, "I had to attend my son's baseball game."
The guy replied, "It's okay doc, I'm patient."

Ouch

My sister has always been fascinated with cell biology and she moved across state to attend a better college, moving her into her dorm we moved a dresser to benefit the small space she had and in doing so she dropped it on my foot. I yelled out MITOSIS!
(This is my first original joke be gentle)

Someone stole my calendar. Bad news for them...

They have to attend my mother-in-law's party next weekend.

Now I've seen everything!

I'm never attending a nudist beach again.

I enroled in courses of hypnosis

The first lessons didn't please me and so I determined to pay direct for a year in advance and not to attend there

An attendant to President Trump comes in and tells him "Sir, your commission has reported that three Brazilian i**... voted for Hillary."

And so he yells "I knew it! Now how many is a 'brazilian'?"

The Catholic church wants more people interested in priesthood.

They have got a lot of bad publicity lately so they just released a new campaign. They are offering scholarships for 100 lucky boys that can attend private school to become a priest for free.
Their slogan: "Find the priest inside of you."

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

A circle trying to convince a deadbeat dad to attend his son's game:

Sir, come for Ence.

A priest was invited to attend a house party

.Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.
A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.
When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked him, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"
The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."

Donald Trump had to attend an important military briefing

After waiting around 10 minutes, everyone who had to arrive arrived.
One of the generals stands up and says "So, shall we begin the meeting?"
Donald Trump coughs loudly, and then says "We cannot begin this meeting without the president present!"
"But... you are the president..."
Donald Trump nods. "Exactly! So where's my present!"

My local high school was renamed from Stonewall Jackson High School to Unity Reed High School.

_What school do you attend?_
U.R. High

Cincinnati Bengals allowing 2,500 fans into the stadium for the first game.

Word is, now they're looking for 2,000 volunteers to attend the game.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he was going to attend the 18th century composer costume party.

He said, Yes, I'll be Bach .

My fiance is talking about having a dream wedding...

Thank God it's a dream, I did not want to attend

I attended an online class to learn how to be a pirate.....

Actually it was sort of a webinAHRRRR

Catholic Church service on Sunday has been renamed!

They now attend Sunday Mask.

Why were there so few capitol police during Jan 6th riots?

Well you can't make them work when they already booked the day off to attend the protest!

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, h**..., alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.
The officer then asks, Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?
The man replies, That would be my wife.

A high school senior visits a psychic...

"I've applied to 10 different colleges," the student said. "Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?"
"That is hard to say," said the psychic. "But you will spend an absurd sum of money."
"How do you know this?" the student asked.
The psychic replied,
"It's mostly intuition."

I attended a self-defence course.

At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...£380."
"I refuse to pay," I told him.
"You have to," he insisted.
"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."
So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me b**..., bruised and beaten.
He said, "£380. Cough it up."
"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."

Middle hut

A man was stranded on a desert island for 20 years when a navy ship finally spots him. The captain comes ashore and notices three huts. What are they used for? the captain asks.
Well, the hut one on the left is where I live, says the man. and the one on the right is where I go to church.
So what about that hut in the middle?
The man sneers, That's the church I used to attend!

Marriage Invitation!

I received a marriage invitation. In the end was printed. " Your presence itself is a gift. We don't want any gifts at the marriage."
I read it again and again. Was getting confused...
Finally I came to the conclusion, that I am not invited. And therefore decided not to attend

I received a wedding invitation.

It read, "Your presence itself is a present. We don't want any presents at the wedding."
After re-reading it repeatedly, I concluded that I was not invited. So I decided not to attend.

Saved some money on the gift, though!

I recently received an invitation to a wedding that would have been difficult to attend.
In hindsight, "Maybe next time" probably wasn't the best RSVP.

I received a marriage invitation.

In the end it was printed , " We don't want any gifts in the wedding,your presence itself is a gift". I read it again and again, was getting confused. Finally I came to the conclusion that I am not invited and decided not to attend the wedding.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, h**..., alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."