Attempt Jokes
105 attempt jokes and hilarious attempt puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about attempt that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Attempt Short Jokes
Short attempt jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The attempt humour may include short intent jokes also.
- I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row… They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…
- What's the difference between Brazil and the USA? About 1500 arrests within 48 hours of an attempted coup.
- James Bond always holds his farts while in bed Otherwise he would blow his cover.
(Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X) - I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
- Do you know the football player whose missing 75% of his spine? He's the Quarterback.
(My 2nd joke attempt X\_X) - What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar? "The girls get older, but he stays the same age"
-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of) - I've decided to start carrying a knife. After an attempted mugging last week I've decided to start carrying a knife. Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.
- Don't drink water while studying... Why?
Because chemistry says that concentration decreases while adding water.
Note: My first attempt. Thanks. - I started carrying a gun after being involved in an attempted robbery a few months ago. Ever since, my robberies have been going a whole lot better.
- ..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife. Since then my muggings have been way more successful.
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Attempt One Liners
Which attempt one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with attempt? I can suggest the ones about fail and experiment.
- Fidel Castro survived 638 assassination attempts But even he could not survive 2016
- The Soviet Union attempted to sell cars. Unfortunately Stalin was their biggest problem.
- Did I tell you about my attempt to grow bananas in sand? It was fruitless.
- What do you call getting shot for attempted sedition? Capitol Punishment
- Attempted to exercise this morning. Didn't work out.
- My attempt to steal that head of a statue failed. Well, I guess it was a bust.
- My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock
- What do you get for attempting human cloning with a drummer? Repercussions.
- TIFU. I was heading northbound and attempted a U-turn. Here's where things went south.
- I wanted to marry a melon but I cantaloupe.
2nd attempt because marry not merry - Coup attempt on Turkey from the rear Did Greece help?
- Nation's attempt to impound water fails as barrier breaks loose Citizens: Dam!
- After 10 years of attempting to lure wemon I've become a master baiter
- What do you call it when a cow attacks you? Attempted Mooder.
- What did the newly paroled French prisoner name his restaurant? Attempted Crepe
Comical & Quirky Attempt Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about attempt you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean challenge jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make attempt pranks.
A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...
Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks in the bar until we close". The bartender looks back at the customer and asks "So what do you say, would you like to give the challenge a shot?" The customer quickly responds with a "No". "Why not?" The bartender asks. The customer replies, "The stakes are too high".
A little girl tells her dad she wishes she had a sister
In an attempt to be clever, her dad explains, "You do, it's just you don't see her. Every time you come in the front door: she leaves out the back door.". The little girl replies, "ohhhh, just like my other daddy!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Prisoners attempt to escape from jail.
The first one throws a rope to the top of the fence, and quietly climbs to the top. But before his cellmate can do the same, the rope breaks.
"How will I get out now?" The unfortunate prisoner asks. The other one pulls out a flashlight.
"Don't worry," he replied, "I'll shine the light down and you can climb up the beam of light."
"Do you really think I'm that s**...?" He asked, "You'll turn it off when I'm halfway to the top!"
A tourist was lost, wandering in the rainforest, when suddenly...
...he runs into some tribal warriors. In an attempt to scare them off, he decides to frighten them with his modern technology.
He whips out the bic lighter in his pocket and flicks it in.
"Wow!" Said one warrior to another. "I've never seen one of those light in the first try!"
So an Olympian walks into a bar...
and is promptly disqualified from her final attempt at the high jump and has all her hopes and dreams of winning gold for her country destroyed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why should a midget not attempt to s**... a cow?
The steaks are just too high.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
n**... Wife's New p**...
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless p**... in an attempt to spice up her dead s**... life. She puts them on, along with a short skirt and sets on the sofa opposite her husband. At certain moments during the game, she would uncross her legs, just long enough for her husband to see. Finally after a number of times he asks "Are you wearing crotchless p**...?" "Yesss." she says smiling seductively "Thank God." he says "I thought you were sitting on the cat."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A conversation between friends.
White kid: My dad's well hung.
Black kid: Mine was hung too.
Chinese kid: Hey! My dad's Hung too!!
This is a below average joke attempt. I know, hanged vs hung. Still I thought I'd share.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Preacher goes to a party
A member of the church decided to call on his preacher to his house one Friday night. The preacher arrives to find a party in full swing.
On entering the house, he sees a circle of n**... men with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling their g**... in an attempt to guess their identity.
The embarrassed preacher turns to the host and says, "I'm sorry, I don't think I fit in here."
"Nonsense," says the host. "Your name's been called three times already!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Men are four times more likely than women to commit s**..., even though women attempt it more.
So men are better at it!
\- George Carlin
In an attempt to raise profits
... I've heard that Malaysian Air is considering offering 1/2 way tickets.
What happens to dying chemists?
Well, at first they try to helium. Once the disease goes too far, however, the chemist will get rushed to the hospital where doctors will attempt to curium. But once the chemist dies, they might as well barium.
True chemists never die, however. They just attain equilibrium.
Why did the crowd watch the man futily attempt to blend oil and water for hours on end?
It was unmiscible.
Why should you attempt to hit a psychic who is smiling?
Because you should always try and strike a happy medium!
A teacher, in an attempt to get more enthusiasm from her students, asked them to write a summary of a baseball game.
Within minutes, the first one was handed in. It read, "Rain. No game today."
My friend from Turkey had never heard a blonde joke. This was his attempt at telling one.
A blonde walks into a bar and sits down next to an Englishman, Irishman, and German. They turn to her and say, "Are you new here?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My attempt at a s**... math joke
A sine wave and a cosine wave are trying to have a baby. They are deeply religious so the only position they are able to do is m**.... After many attempts they think they might have conceived a child. The cosine wave grabs a pregnancy test, goes into the bathroom, and comes out a couple of minutes later. The sine wave says "well is it negative or positive?" and the cosine wave says "no, it's tangent."
My attempt to translate an old Polish joke to English
> A policeman approaches a man drinking beer in park and asks him for his documents. Student hands him the documents and the policeman begins reading aloud:
> -ahh, I see we don't have a job.
> -no, we don't.
> -we're jerking around all day.
> -yes, we are.
> -Oh! We are students!
> -No, only I am.
Not 100% sure if I translated it well, improvements welcome:
Polish Space Program
The polish space program recently revealed to the UN that they were preparing to attempt the first manned space mission to the surface of the sun. When asked how they were going to accomplish this feat they answered, "We are going at night".
My attempt at a Mitch Hedberg joke
"Why are people always having their pizzas delivered? Just order them without liver."
The presidential footrace
Recently, Obama completed the annual race around the White House grounds to attempt to beat the previous president's record. After his stunning performance, he ended up with a time of 9:52, narrowly missing the record. Unfortunately, he soon learned that Bush did 9:11.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Puns are the only form of humor where a groan is high praise and a laugh is a fair attempt.
Well, that and s**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a monkey flinging p**... at the zoo and someone posting political memes on Facebook?
Answer: One is the sad, desparate attempt of a poor creature with little freedom to get attention from strangers, and the other is just something animals at the zoo do when they're bored.
A man begins to chat up a girl at a bar.
She is uninterested and in an attempt to get rid of him she says,
"I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on Earth!"
The man replies,
"If that were the case, who would be there to stop me?"
ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history.
You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man sits down next to a lady reading a newspaper by the window on a bus...
He can't help himself and has to f**... so he does his best to sneak it out. He glances over and she doesn't seem to notice. Relieved, he decides to attempt light conversation.
"Are you done with that newspaper?" he asked.
She replied "No, but next tree we pass, I'll grab you some leaves".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I attempted s**... today
Won't ever do that again, I almost killed myself
When I told my ex girlfriend that I wanted to break up, she tried gifting me a mini plastic figurine of myself in an attempt to salvage our relationship.
I screamed, "Lego of me!"
Are you feeling okay?
(My attempt at a joke)
Person 1: You feeling okay?
Person 2: If I touch you and your name is okay will I be feeling okay?
Person 1: But my name isn't okay...
Person 2: Oh I'm sorry
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My little boy was drawing pictures.
I thought I'd give him a hand, so I drew a picture of a deer. 'What's that, Son?' 'Don't know, Dad.' I drew antlers on it to make it easier. 'What's that, Son?' 'Don't know, Dad.' 'You see them out in the forest'. 'Don't know, Dad.' 'Rhymes with 'beer'. You know, beer like your Dad drinks.' 'Don't know, Dad.' Final attempt. 'Your Mom calls your Dad one.' 'Oh, I know! It's a drunken b**...!'
The press should have given Sean Spicer a 5th attempt at clarifying his statement.
Who knows, maybe he finally figured out the final solution.
Why don't they sell aspirin in the rainforest?
Because it would be economically unsound to attempt to establish a pharmaceutical distribution network in such a sparsely populated area
Lincoln Navigator
I watched a guy in a Lincoln Navigator attempt to park in a busy restaurant parking lot. It took a friend to get out and direct him in order to wiggle into a spot. Afterwards he said to me, "now I know why they call it a navigator. It fu@*ing takes one to park it".
In an attempt to help the less fortunate, I want to start a charity where people can donate their lightly used weaponry, whether they be guns, knives, tanks, etc so that the poor and disabled can have a sense of security while living on the streets at an affordable price
It could be called the Goodkill
Apparently my attempt at recreating authentic Middle Eastern recipe gave everyone food poisoning...
I falafel.
I begin to carry a knife since a robbery attempt a few years ago
Since them, is being a lot easier to rob people
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Mexicans are making an attempt to cross the U.S. border.
A border patrol agent spots them and yells out, "HEY, what do you think you're doing??"
One responds, "We're invading America!"
The agent says, "Just the two of you???"
"No, we're the last two. The rest are already there!"
-Props to John Cleese
My attempt to travel to North Korea to become a popular jazz musician failed.
Turns out they've got no Seoul.
What do you call a Marine that likes to follow orders?
A Sub-Marine!
*attempt at OC joke. I'm sure someone else has thought of this before me though.*
A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant
Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:
"Table for 8, please"
"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"
"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"
He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
"0, 1, 2, 3..."
A mother and her son are sitting in an airplane.
The kid looks up and asks, "Mommy? If big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"
Mom thinks to herself that he is too young and she doesn't want to get into this so she tells the boy, "Go ask the flight attendant; maybe she can answer that for you."
So, he walks up and asks, "Ma'am, if big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"
She had overheard the mother's attempt to pass this off and replies, "Tell your mom that I said it's because Southwest airlines always pulls out on time and have her explain that to you..."
They've written a sequel to The Martian where a hundred rescuers attempt to rescue a stranded man on mars, only to fail.
It's title.
101 Dull Martians
What did the optimistic singer say in a failed attempt to save a suicidal man's life?
Duet?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... died.
When he woke up, he looked around. Only to see fire and t**.... In an attempt to question surroundings and to regain his lost memory, he asked the nearest figure.
"Where am I and who am I?"
The figure replied,"h**... h**...".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a risky and pathetic attempt at boosting your karma?
This
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Attempt to set world record o**... falls short of its goal ...
"Not enough people came" - Stephen Colbert
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw an attempted m**... today.
Just 2 or 3 crows; not a lot to make it a m**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The first light bulb joke
Thomas Edison walks into the lab one morning to find his lastest attempt at making a light bulb smashed on the floor. He glares at all the lab assistants, but nobody will look him in the eye or admit who was at fault. Finally he exclaimed "OK, how many of you geniuses did it take to screw up this light bulb?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you ever hear about the m**... attempt that failed?
You could say it was poorly executed.
When Gandhi was on his first hunger strike
People would routinely bring him flattened bread in an attempt to get him to eat. What people don't understand though is that Gandhi was actually a very temperamental man, and prone to anger. So even when his friends and family were the ones bringing him bread, he would take it and hurl it at them, sometimes leaving bruises and welts. He justified it by saying it was all a part of his philosophy of naan-violence.
What do you get when 2 leftists get together?
3 political parties: one Communist, one Socialist, and a third founded in an attempt to merge the first two.
An American got busted at the border for trying to smuggle two donkeys into Mexico.
It was an assassination attempt.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men were breaking into a high security software company...
They couldn't get their code breaker to work for the back door, so, in a last desperate attempt to short circuit the security, one of them peed on the access panel.
It began smoking, a couple sparks flew, and boom, the back door clicked open.
They looked at each other, impressed and relieved.
u**....
Here my attempt to translate a Dutch joke in English
2 blond girls meet up. The first girl asks the other: "which is further away, the moon or Australia?" The other things about this long and hard and comes back with her answer after an hour: "the moon is closer, definitely the moon." "How come?" asks the first girl. "Well," says the other "we can see the moon every night, do you ever see Australia?"
My attempt to translate joke from my language.
Two men are sitting on the river bank, fishing.
Hedgehog walks out of the woods.
-Hey, guys! Do you have a duct tape?
-Nope...
Hedgehog goes away.
Two hours later hedgehog emerges again.
-Hey, guys! I got a duct tape for you!
A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...
Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.
That didn't sound right, so he tried again.
Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.
That still didn't sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:
Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you're at it- send me another mongoose.
(In memory of my dad who told that joke at every family gathering for 30 years.)
In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...
"Because they make the toys."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A couple of German jokes...
Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of
strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies:
'Yes, she has become a p**... to subsidise her drug habit.'
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish...
A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish, so much so that he eventually buys a huge, synthetic sturgeon and hangs it on the wall above his fireplace.
Eventually, however, looking at the fake trophy makes the man feel like a fraud, and he can't stand it.
One day, he makes a final attempt at fishing up something impressive. Finally, after hours of waiting, he reels in a record-breaking chub, one that weighs more than any other in recorded history.
A fellow fisherman passes by and is impressed.
"Wow! How did you get such a big chub?"
"I saw a plastic sturgeon!"
After attempting to climb Everest and failing, John has severe frostbite, hypothermia and goes into a coma.
After a lengthy and dangerous mountaintop rescue he's rushed to the nearest hospital, where after several days he finally wakes and is greeted by the Nepalese doctor.
Sir, I have bad news and good news. John, ever the optimist asks for the good news first.
Okay, the good news is the patient in the next bed has offered you a very generous amount for your slippers...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's another way of saying attempted m**...?
Marble Staircase.
A pirate walks into a bar
With a steering wheel on his belt buckle.
Bartender: "Oi pirate! What's with the steery thingy on ye belt?"
Pirate: "Yarr it's driving me nuts!" "Also it's me cake day so please don't be swabbing me in the blue cheese for the bad jokes"
I made an attempt!
My wife is a paralegal and said there's no such thing as "paralegal jokes," here's my attempt: How many paralegals does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Four. One to screw in the bulb, one to log the bulb paperwork into the system, one to draft a summary on the changing of the bulb, and one to submit a report confirming the other two submitted their reports.
In an attempt to create synergy, an airline and a beer company merged. It think it was a smart move for the newly formed Alaska Natural Ice.
However, I'm less optimistic about Corona Delta.
What message did the cyborg see upon his failed attempt to flirt with the waitress?
Error! Unable to establish a connection with server.
"Science and religion don't mix," said the priests...
...in a desperate attempt to exclude the DNA evidence.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In an attempt to break his addiction...
In an attempt to break his addiction, a chronic masturbator decides to buy a whiteboard and start tallying the days since he last j**... off. After a successful day, the man grabs a marker and draws two tallies, but realizing it had only been one day, he takes his hand and rubs one out.
Got into an argument with a colleague so I bought their favorite Indian food, to attempt to make up.
I tried to curry favor but they were having naan of it. I only managed to tikka them off more.
My 2yo daughter just told her first joke!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Daddy.
Daddy who?
Daddy's there.
The closing needs some work, but it was a pretty impressive attempt! Just a proud dad over here :,-)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar and sees that there are dozens of cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling.
Confused, he asks the bartender why this is.
Well, it's a promotion we are running. If you can jump up and grab one, you get a free New York s**... dinner, on us! But, if you attempt to do so and miss, you gotta buy one for every person here instead.
The guy takes a moment to scan the bar, counting up the number of patrons in his head, before turning to the bartender and replying
Ah, no thanks. The steaks are too high.
———
Shout out to my dad for telling me this joke dozens of times throughout my life. It never fails to get a laugh outta a new crowd. Thanks Joe, you da best.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many Russians does it take to change a ukrainian lightbulb?
At least 1 battalion to lose in the attempt. Please reply with your best punchline.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A sad first attempt at a joke
(It's my first time posting here. Don't blame me for the terrible joke lol)
A lawyer just lost a career making/breaking case so Satan sees this as an opportunity to approach him and make him an offer.
Satan: I will make you the most successful lawyer in history. You will never lose a case again. You will be famous. You will be wealthy beyond your wildest imagination.
Lawyer: What's the catch?
Satan: I want the souls of your parents, your siblings, your spouse, your children and all your future descendants for d**... in h**... for all eternity.
Lawyer: Okay, but what's the catch?
