Attempt Jokes
107 attempt jokes and hilarious attempt puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about attempt that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Attempt Short Jokes
Short attempt jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The attempt humour may include short intent jokes also.
- I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row… They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…
- What's the difference between Brazil and the USA? About 1500 arrests within 48 hours of an attempted coup.
- James Bond always holds his farts while in bed Otherwise he would blow his cover.
(Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X) - I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
- i started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt years ago Since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
- How many Russians does it take to change a ukrainian lightbulb? At least 1 battalion to lose in the attempt. Please reply with your best punchline.
- Do you know the football player whose missing 75% of his spine? He's the Quarterback.
(My 2nd joke attempt X\_X) - What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar? "The girls get older, but he stays the same age"
-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of) - Two chemists walk into a bar. Chemist 1: I'll have H20 please
Chemist 2: I'Il have water also
Chemist 1 walks away frustrated as his assassination attempt failed - I've decided to start carrying a knife. After an attempted mugging last week I've decided to start carrying a knife. Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.
Share These Attempt Jokes With Friends
Attempt One Liners
Which attempt one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with attempt? I can suggest the ones about fail and experiment.
- Fidel Castro survived 638 assassination attempts But even he could not survive 2016
- The Soviet Union attempted to sell cars. Unfortunately Stalin was their biggest problem.
- Did I tell you about my attempt to grow bananas in sand? It was fruitless.
- What do you call getting shot for attempted sedition? Capitol Punishment
- Attempted to exercise this morning. Didn't work out.
- My attempt to steal that head of a statue failed. Well, I guess it was a bust.
- My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock
- What do you get for attempting human cloning with a drummer? Repercussions.
- TIFU. I was heading northbound and attempted a U-turn. Here's where things went south.
- I wanted to marry a melon but I cantaloupe.
2nd attempt because marry not merry - Coup attempt on Turkey from the rear Did Greece help?
- What do you call a risky and pathetic attempt at boosting your karma? This
- Nation's attempt to impound water fails as barrier breaks loose Citizens: Dam!
- After 10 years of attempting to lure wemon I've become a master baiter
- What do you call it when a cow attacks you? Attempted Mooder.
Comical & Quirky Attempt Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about attempt you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean challenge jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make attempt pranks.
A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...
Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks in the bar until we close". The bartender looks back at the customer and asks "So what do you say, would you like to give the challenge a shot?" The customer quickly responds with a "No". "Why not?" The bartender asks. The customer replies, "The stakes are too high".
3 women of different hair colours get shipwrecked on a small desert island 1km away from a civilised island.
The first woman, who has brown hair, attempts to swim to the civilised island, but only gets 200 metres before getting tired and swimming back. The next woman, with black hair, sees the first one's attempt and also tries. She gets 400 metres before tiring and swimming back. The blonde then has a try, gets 800 metres, tires, and swims back.
A little girl tells her dad she wishes she had a sister
In an attempt to be clever, her dad explains, "You do, it's just you don't see her. Every time you come in the front door: she leaves out the back door.". The little girl replies, "ohhhh, just like my other daddy!"
Prisoners attempt to escape from jail.
The first one throws a rope to the top of the fence, and quietly climbs to the top. But before his cellmate can do the same, the rope breaks.
"How will I get out now?" The unfortunate prisoner asks. The other one pulls out a flashlight.
"Don't worry," he replied, "I'll shine the light down and you can climb up the beam of light."
"Do you really think I'm that s**...?" He asked, "You'll turn it off when I'm halfway to the top!"
A tourist was lost, wandering in the rainforest, when suddenly...
...he runs into some tribal warriors. In an attempt to scare them off, he decides to frighten them with his modern technology.
He whips out the bic lighter in his pocket and flicks it in.
"Wow!" Said one warrior to another. "I've never seen one of those light in the first try!"
So an Olympian walks into a bar...
and is promptly disqualified from her final attempt at the high jump and has all her hopes and dreams of winning gold for her country destroyed.
Why should a midget not attempt to s**... a cow?
The steaks are just too high.
n**... Wife's New p**...
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless p**... in an attempt to spice up her dead s**... life. She puts them on, along with a short skirt and sets on the sofa opposite her husband. At certain moments during the game, she would uncross her legs, just long enough for her husband to see. Finally after a number of times he asks "Are you wearing crotchless p**...?" "Yesss." she says smiling seductively "Thank God." he says "I thought you were sitting on the cat."
A conversation between friends.
White kid: My dad's well hung.
Black kid: Mine was hung too.
Chinese kid: Hey! My dad's Hung too!!
This is a below average joke attempt. I know, hanged vs hung. Still I thought I'd share.
Preacher goes to a party
A member of the church decided to call on his preacher to his house one Friday night. The preacher arrives to find a party in full swing.
On entering the house, he sees a circle of n**... men with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling their g**... in an attempt to guess their identity.
The embarrassed preacher turns to the host and says, "I'm sorry, I don't think I fit in here."
"Nonsense," says the host. "Your name's been called three times already!"
Chemists in a pub
After a long day, two chemists, Bill and Bob, go to a pub to unwind. Bob says to the barkeeper, "I'll just have a glass of H^2 0." Bill chimes in, "I'll have a glass of water too". They take a seat as he asks Bob, "Why did you refer to water with its chemical composition?" Bob did not answer, fuming that his assassination attempt had failed.
Why did the crowd watch the man futily attempt to blend oil and water for hours on end?
It was unmiscible.
Why should you attempt to hit a psychic who is smiling?
Because you should always try and strike a happy medium!
My friend from Turkey had never heard a blonde joke. This was his attempt at telling one.
A blonde walks into a bar and sits down next to an Englishman, Irishman, and German. They turn to her and say, "Are you new here?"
Confession
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confessional booth and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally,the drunk replies:"No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
My attempt at a s**... math joke
A sine wave and a cosine wave are trying to have a baby. They are deeply religious so the only position they are able to do is m**.... After many attempts they think they might have conceived a child. The cosine wave grabs a pregnancy test, goes into the bathroom, and comes out a couple of minutes later. The sine wave says "well is it negative or positive?" and the cosine wave says "no, it's tangent."
My attempt to translate an old Polish joke to English
> A policeman approaches a man drinking beer in park and asks him for his documents. Student hands him the documents and the policeman begins reading aloud:
> -ahh, I see we don't have a job.
> -no, we don't.
> -we're jerking around all day.
> -yes, we are.
> -Oh! We are students!
> -No, only I am.
Not 100% sure if I translated it well, improvements welcome:
I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few months ago.
After that my mugging attempts have been very successful
Polish Space Program
The polish space program recently revealed to the UN that they were preparing to attempt the first manned space mission to the surface of the sun. When asked how they were going to accomplish this feat they answered, "We are going at night".
My attempt at a Mitch Hedberg joke
"Why are people always having their pizzas delivered? Just order them without liver."
Puns are the only form of humor where a groan is high praise and a laugh is a fair attempt.
Well, that and s**....
Two scientists walk into a bar...
...The first one says:
"I'll have some H2O"
The second one says:
"I'll have some water too"
The first scientist got angry because his assassination attempt failed.
After an attempted mugging, I started to carry a gun around with me
Now my muggings are more successful.
What's the difference between a monkey flinging p**... at the zoo and someone posting political memes on Facebook?
Answer: One is the sad, desparate attempt of a poor creature with little freedom to get attention from strangers, and the other is just something animals at the zoo do when they're bored.
A man begins to chat up a girl at a bar.
She is uninterested and in an attempt to get rid of him she says,
"I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on Earth!"
The man replies,
"If that were the case, who would be there to stop me?"
ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history.
You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.
Two chemists walk into a bar
The bartender asks "What shall I get you two tonight"
The first chemist says "I'll take it easy tonight, just give me H2O"
The second chemist says "I'll have some H2O as well"
The first chemist is then filled with anger as the joke he heard gave him false hope in his assassination attempt
When I told my ex girlfriend that I wanted to break up, she tried gifting me a mini plastic figurine of myself in an attempt to salvage our relationship.
I screamed, "Lego of me!"
My little boy was drawing pictures.
I thought I'd give him a hand, so I drew a picture of a deer. 'What's that, Son?' 'Don't know, Dad.' I drew antlers on it to make it easier. 'What's that, Son?' 'Don't know, Dad.' 'You see them out in the forest'. 'Don't know, Dad.' 'Rhymes with 'beer'. You know, beer like your Dad drinks.' 'Don't know, Dad.' Final attempt. 'Your Mom calls your Dad one.' 'Oh, I know! It's a drunken b**...!'
I started carrying a hand gun after a failed mugging attempt.
Now, all my mugging attempts have been successful.
Why don't they sell aspirin in the rainforest?
Because it would be economically unsound to attempt to establish a pharmaceutical distribution network in such a sparsely populated area
Two scientists walk into a pub
Two scientists walk into their local pub.
"I'll have H2O" says the first.
"I'll have water too," says the second, "but why are you saying it like that? We're not a work anymore man."
The first scientist excuses himself and goes to the bathroom to inform the motherland his assassination attempt had failed.
In an attempt to help the less fortunate, I want to start a charity where people can donate their lightly used weaponry, whether they be guns, knives, tanks, etc so that the poor and disabled can have a sense of security while living on the streets at an affordable price
It could be called the Goodkill
Apparently my attempt at recreating authentic Middle Eastern recipe gave everyone food poisoning...
I falafel.
Two chemists walk into a bar...
The first chemist says "I'll have some H20"
The second chemist says, "I'll have some H20 as well."
The first chemist kicks himself as his assassination attempt fails.
I begin to carry a knife since a robbery attempt a few years ago
Since them, is being a lot easier to rob people
Two Mexicans are making an attempt to cross the U.S. border.
A border patrol agent spots them and yells out, "HEY, what do you think you're doing??"
One responds, "We're invading America!"
The agent says, "Just the two of you???"
"No, we're the last two. The rest are already there!"
-Props to John Cleese
What do you call a Marine that likes to follow orders?
A Sub-Marine!
*attempt at OC joke. I'm sure someone else has thought of this before me though.*
A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant
Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:
"Table for 8, please"
"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"
"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"
He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
"0, 1, 2, 3..."
A mother and her son are sitting in an airplane.
The kid looks up and asks, "Mommy? If big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"
Mom thinks to herself that he is too young and she doesn't want to get into this so she tells the boy, "Go ask the flight attendant; maybe she can answer that for you."
So, he walks up and asks, "Ma'am, if big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"
She had overheard the mother's attempt to pass this off and replies, "Tell your mom that I said it's because Southwest airlines always pulls out on time and have her explain that to you..."
Two scientists walk into a bar, one says "I'll have some H2O"
The other says "I'll have some water too please"
He then turns to his friend and asks him "Why would you order water like that?"
The first scientist says nothing, but seethed that the assassination attempt failed.
After a mugging attempt a few years ago, I started carrying a knife.
My muggings are much more successful these days.
Why didn't the butcher attempt to get the meat from the top shelf off of his rickety ladder?
The steaks were too high.
Two scientists walk into a restaurant. The first one says, "I'll have an H2O."
The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. Why are you referring to it so strangely. We're not at work anymore."
The first scientist goes into the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first chemist says "I'll have some H20."
The second chemist says "I'll have some H20 too."
The bartender, catching on quickly, gives them both glasses of water.
The second chemist steps out behind the bar and begins crying, realizing that his s**... attempt has failed.
h**... died.
When he woke up, he looked around. Only to see fire and t**.... In an attempt to question surroundings and to regain his lost memory, he asked the nearest figure.
"Where am I and who am I?"
The figure replied,"h**... h**...".
Attempt to set world record o**... falls short of its goal ...
"Not enough people came" - Stephen Colbert
I started carrying a knife after a failed mugging attempt last year...
All my attempts have been pretty successful this year.
Two Eskimos light a fire in their boat in an attempt to stay warm.
However, the fire burns through the boat and it sinks, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Did you ever hear about the m**... attempt that failed?
You could say it was poorly executed.
When Gandhi was on his first hunger strike
People would routinely bring him flattened bread in an attempt to get him to eat. What people don't understand though is that Gandhi was actually a very temperamental man, and prone to anger. So even when his friends and family were the ones bringing him bread, he would take it and hurl it at them, sometimes leaving bruises and welts. He justified it by saying it was all a part of his philosophy of naan-violence.
..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.
Since then my muggings have been way more successful.
What do you get when 2 leftists get together?
3 political parties: one Communist, one Socialist, and a third founded in an attempt to merge the first two.
An American got busted at the border for trying to smuggle two donkeys into Mexico.
It was an assassination attempt.
2 scientists walk into a bar, the first one says I'll have H2O the second one says I'll have water also the first scientist walks off, furious that is assassination attempt had failed.
You have to be moderately smart to understand it...
Don't drink water while studying...
Why?
Because chemistry says that concentration decreases while adding water.
Note: My first attempt. Thanks.
Here my attempt to translate a Dutch joke in English
2 blond girls meet up. The first girl asks the other: "which is further away, the moon or Australia?" The other things about this long and hard and comes back with her answer after an hour: "the moon is closer, definitely the moon." "How come?" asks the first girl. "Well," says the other "we can see the moon every night, do you ever see Australia?"
A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...
Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.
That didn't sound right, so he tried again.
Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.
That still didn't sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:
Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you're at it- send me another mongoose.
(In memory of my dad who told that joke at every family gathering for 30 years.)
In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...
"Because they make the toys."
I used to be a body guard for Donald Trump
One day, an assassination attempt took place, and when the man tried to shoot, I shouted "Mickey Mouse!".
After the attempt, Trump asked why I shouted Mickey Mouse, to which I replied "sorry, I meant to shout 'Donald, Duck!'"
Two scientists, Jim and Dave, walk into a bar...
... Jim asks for a H20.
Dave asks why he ordered it like that, and Jim says that they're scientists and so should present themselves as such.
Dave replies "whatever, I'll have a water too".
Jim watches the bartender get Dave's drink, angry that his assassination attempt failed.
A couple of German jokes...
Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of
strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies:
'Yes, she has become a p**... to subsidise her drug habit.'
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish...
A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish, so much so that he eventually buys a huge, synthetic sturgeon and hangs it on the wall above his fireplace.
Eventually, however, looking at the fake trophy makes the man feel like a fraud, and he can't stand it.
One day, he makes a final attempt at fishing up something impressive. Finally, after hours of waiting, he reels in a record-breaking chub, one that weighs more than any other in recorded history.
A fellow fisherman passes by and is impressed.
"Wow! How did you get such a big chub?"
"I saw a plastic sturgeon!"
After attempting to climb Everest and failing, John has severe frostbite, hypothermia and goes into a coma.
After a lengthy and dangerous mountaintop rescue he's rushed to the nearest hospital, where after several days he finally wakes and is greeted by the Nepalese doctor.
Sir, I have bad news and good news. John, ever the optimist asks for the good news first.
Okay, the good news is the patient in the next bed has offered you a very generous amount for your slippers...
What's another way of saying attempted m**...?
Marble Staircase.
A pirate walks into a bar
With a steering wheel on his belt buckle.
Bartender: "Oi pirate! What's with the steery thingy on ye belt?"
Pirate: "Yarr it's driving me nuts!" "Also it's me cake day so please don't be swabbing me in the blue cheese for the bad jokes"
I made an attempt!
In an attempt to create synergy, an airline and a beer company merged. It think it was a smart move for the newly formed Alaska Natural Ice.
However, I'm less optimistic about Corona Delta.
What message did the cyborg see upon his failed attempt to flirt with the waitress?
Error! Unable to establish a connection with server.
"Science and religion don't mix," said the priests...
...in a desperate attempt to exclude the DNA evidence.
In an attempt to break his addiction...
In an attempt to break his addiction, a chronic masturbator decides to buy a whiteboard and start tallying the days since he last j**... off. After a successful day, the man grabs a marker and draws two tallies, but realizing it had only been one day, he takes his hand and rubs one out.
Got into an argument with a colleague so I bought their favorite Indian food, to attempt to make up.
I tried to curry favor but they were having naan of it. I only managed to tikka them off more.
My 2yo daughter just told her first joke!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Daddy.
Daddy who?
Daddy's there.
The closing needs some work, but it was a pretty impressive attempt! Just a proud dad over here :,-)
A guy walks into a bar and sees that there are dozens of cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling.
Confused, he asks the bartender why this is.
Well, it's a promotion we are running. If you can jump up and grab one, you get a free New York s**... dinner, on us! But, if you attempt to do so and miss, you gotta buy one for every person here instead.
The guy takes a moment to scan the bar, counting up the number of patrons in his head, before turning to the bartender and replying
Ah, no thanks. The steaks are too high.
———
Shout out to my dad for telling me this joke dozens of times throughout my life. It never fails to get a laugh outta a new crowd. Thanks Joe, you da best.
Two chemists walk into a bar
Two chemists walk into a bar.
Chemist 1: I'll have some H2O please.
Chemist 2: I'll have some water also.
Chemist 1 walks away frustrated as his assassination attempt failed.
A sad first attempt at a joke
(It's my first time posting here. Don't blame me for the terrible joke lol)
A lawyer just lost a career making/breaking case so Satan sees this as an opportunity to approach him and make him an offer.
Satan: I will make you the most successful lawyer in history. You will never lose a case again. You will be famous. You will be wealthy beyond your wildest imagination.
Lawyer: What's the catch?
Satan: I want the souls of your parents, your siblings, your spouse, your children and all your future descendants for d**... in h**... for all eternity.
Lawyer: Okay, but what's the catch?
