Attempt Jokes

Following is our collection of reluctant humor and experiment one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Attempt puns for adults, dirty aim jokes or clean desire gags for kids.

There is an abundance of effort jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 56 funniest jokes on attempt. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any unsuccessful witze you can hear about attempt.

The Best jokes about Attempt

What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar?

"The girls get older, but he stays the same age"

-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of)

Puns are the only form of humor where a groan is high praise and a laugh is a fair attempt.

Well, that and sex.

Two scientists walk into a restaurant. The first one says, "I'll have an H2O."

The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. Why are you referring to it so strangely. We're not at work anymore."

The first scientist goes into the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.

A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:

"Table for 8, please"

"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"

"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"

He turns around, and begins doing a head count:

"0, 1, 2, 3..."

I started carrying a knife after a failed mugging attempt last year...

All my attempts have been pretty successful this year.


nsfw Wife's New Panties

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She puts them on, along with a short skirt and sets on the sofa opposite her husband. At certain moments during the game, she would uncross her legs, just long enough for her husband to see. Finally after a number of times he asks "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Yesss." she says smiling seductively "Thank God." he says "I thought you were sitting on the cat."

Don't drink water while studying...

Why?

Because chemistry says that concentration decreases while adding water.

Note: My first attempt. Thanks.

I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few months ago.

After that my mugging attempts have been very successful

After an attempted mugging, I started to carry a gun around with me

Now my muggings are more successful.

..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.

Since then my muggings have been way more successful.

ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history.

You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.


After a mugging attempt a few years ago, I started carrying a knife.

My muggings are much more successful these days.

Two chemists walk into a bar...

The first chemist says "I'll have some H20"

The second chemist says, "I'll have some H20 as well."

The first chemist kicks himself as his assassination attempt fails.

Chemists in a pub

After a long day, two chemists, Bill and Bob, go to a pub to unwind. Bob says to the barkeeper, "I'll just have a glass of H^2 0." Bill chimes in, "I'll have a glass of water too". They take a seat as he asks Bob, "Why did you refer to water with its chemical composition?" Bob did not answer, fuming that his assassination attempt had failed.

2 scientists walk into a bar, the first one says I'll have H2O the second one says I'll have water also the first scientist walks off, furious that is assassination attempt had failed.

You have to be moderately smart to understand it...

Why should a midget not attempt to slaughter a cow?

The steaks are just too high.

A little girl tells her dad she wishes she had a sister

In an attempt to be clever, her dad explains, "You do, it's just you don't see her. Every time you come in the front door: she leaves out the back door.". The little girl replies, "ohhhh, just like my other daddy!"

Why don't they sell aspirin in the rainforest?

Because it would be economically unsound to attempt to establish a pharmaceutical distribution network in such a sparsely populated area

A tourist was lost, wandering in the rainforest, when suddenly...

...he runs into some tribal warriors. In an attempt to scare them off, he decides to frighten them with his modern technology.

He whips out the bic lighter in his pocket and flicks it in.

"Wow!" Said one warrior to another. "I've never seen one of those light in the first try!"


I begin to carry a knife since a robbery attempt a few years ago

Since them, is being a lot easier to rob people

Apparently my attempt at recreating authentic Middle Eastern recipes gave everyone food poisoning...

I falafel.

Confession

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confessional booth and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally,the drunk replies:"No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

I started carrying a hand gun after a failed mugging attempt.

Now, all my mugging attempts have been successful.

My attempt at a Mitch Hedberg joke

"Why are people always having their pizzas delivered? Just order them without liver."

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks in the bar until we close". The bartender looks back at the customer and asks "So what do you say, would you like to give the challenge a shot?" The customer quickly responds with a "No". "Why not?" The bartender asks. The customer replies, "The stakes are too high".

Hitler died.

When he woke up, he looked around. Only to see fire and torture. In an attempt to question surroundings and to regain his lost memory, he asked the nearest figure.

"Where am I and who am I?"

The figure replied,"Hell Hitler".

A mother and her son are sitting in an airplane.

The kid looks up and asks, "Mommy? If big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"

Mom thinks to herself that he is too young and she doesn't want to get into this so she tells the boy, "Go ask the flight attendant; maybe she can answer that for you."

So, he walks up and asks, "Ma'am, if big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"

She had overheard the mother's attempt to pass this off and replies, "Tell your mom that I said it's because Southwest airlines always pulls out on time and have her explain that to you..."

When I told my ex girlfriend that I wanted to break up, she tried gifting me a mini plastic figurine of myself in an attempt to salvage our relationship.

I screamed, "Lego of me!"

Mother daughter action.

A man in his 20's and a few of his friend were at a bar for drinks when a lady in her mid to late 40's started to buy him drinks. Throughout the coarse of the night she kept insisting he go back to her place just around the corner. The man was reluctant but his friends were encouraging him to do it and in a final attempt to lure him back the lady offered him some mother daughter action if he joins her. Know all excited he follows the lady's lead back to her house. Once home she proceeds to light some candles and put some sensual music on and then started passionately kissing him. The man thinks he has been tricked when the lady stops and says I'm forgetting something, she walks over to the stairs and yells out to up stairs hey mum I've got one.

Preacher goes to a party

A member of the church decided to call on his preacher to his house one Friday night. The preacher arrives to find a party in full swing.

On entering the house, he sees a circle of naked men with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling their genitals in an attempt to guess their identity.

The embarrassed preacher turns to the host and says, "I'm sorry, I don't think I fit in here."

"Nonsense," says the host. "Your name's been called three times already!"

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see which one is best at his job.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see which one is best at their job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:

When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.

I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.

Two scientists walk into a bar, one says "I'll have some H2O"

The other says "I'll have some water too please"

He then turns to his friend and asks him "Why would you order water like that?"
The first scientist says nothing, but seethed that the assassination attempt failed.

A priest, a rabbi and a minister.

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins. When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.

I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.

They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.

So an Olympian walks into a bar...

and is promptly disqualified from her final attempt at the high jump and has all her hopes and dreams of winning gold for her country destroyed.

A pretty poor man man walks into a bar.

He goes and sits at the bar before turning to the bar man.

'I only got a pound on me mate, anything I can get with that?'

'No,' says the bar man. 'But you can attempt a challenge for free drinks for the rest of the night.'

The poor man was up for it.

'Ok, so I'm gonna hook you up to this lie detector and you gotta try and make it get the wrong answer.' The bar man instructed.

So the poor man got hooked up to the lie detector.

'Off you go,' said the bar man.

'This lie detector will tell you that this is a lie.'

Nobody survived the following explosion.

What religion are bears?

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.

I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.

My little boy was drawing pictures.

I thought I'd give him a hand, so I drew a picture of a deer. 'What's that, Son?' 'Don't know, Dad.' I drew antlers on it to make it easier. 'What's that, Son?' 'Don't know, Dad.' 'You see them out in the forest'. 'Don't know, Dad.' 'Rhymes with 'beer'. You know, beer like your Dad drinks.' 'Don't know, Dad.' Final attempt. 'Your Mom calls your Dad one.' 'Oh, I know! It's a drunken bastard!'

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first chemist says "I'll have some H20."

The second chemist says "I'll have some H20 too."

The bartender, catching on quickly, gives them both glasses of water.

The second chemist steps out behind the bar and begins crying, realizing that his suicide attempt has failed.

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are stuck on an island 100 miles away from mainland with no communication to anyone else.

The brunette gets fed up with staying on the island with no one to save them so she starts swimming towards the mainland

she gets about 30 miles in, gets too tired and drowns

The redhead also gets too bored on the island and decides to swim for it

she gets 60 miles in and gets too tired and drowns

The blonde, now all alone with no rescue in sight decides to also attempt to swim for it.

she gets 50 miles in, gets tired, decides that she would rather wait for rescue and swims 50 miles back onto the island

A man is in court for murder

So a man is in court and is suspected of murder. His defense lawyer is at the last legs of his argument. In one final attempt, he says to the court

"In ten seconds the man my client is suspected of murdering will walk into the courtroom completely unharmed".

The defense lawyer counts down from ten and everybody looks to the door. Nothing happens.

" Ah ha!" says the defense "you all looked to the door, therefor I conclude that their is reasonable doubt in this case and ask that my client be found not guilty."

The jury then deliberates. After twenty-five minutes they return the verdict of guilty. "But you all looked!" Says the lawyer. "Yes," says the Jury, "but your client didn't."

Another blonde joke

A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.

She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring.
Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right!…"

A woman is sick and tired of having bad relationships...

She's had the worst of the worst. Men who would run out on her, beat her, and men who were downright terrible on bed. In an attempt to better future relationships she decided to give online dating a try.

She filled out her profile and specified she was looking for a good hearted man who would never leave or abuse her who was also an efficient lover. It wasn't long after she had posted her profile that she was getting replies. She met with a few of them, but none of them felt like they truly met her requirements.

She was about to give up hope when she had a knock at her door. She opened it to find a man with no arms, and no legs there waiting.

"i'm here about your dating ad," he said.

The woman, who could barely believe what was in front of her replied, "you've got to be kidding me!"

Before she could slam the door the man interjected, "before you turn me away, hear me out. I've got no legs so I couldn't possibly run out on you and I've got no arms so I couldn't possibly hit you."

Still not convinced the woman asked, "oh? And how are you in bed with no arms or legs?"

"honey, how do you think I knocked in the door?"

A Texan and a West Virginian are on death row…

And both are due to be executed the same night. The Texan is due to be executed first, via electric chair.

"Sir, I'd like to remind you that if three attempts go by and you are still alive, you will be free to go. Any last words?"

"I apologize to the victim's family."

The executioner pulls the switch. Nothing happens. He does it again. Nothing. On the final attempt he pulls with all his might…still nothing.

"Well, you're free now, sir." After undoing the straps, the Texan skips away happily. Now it is the West Virginian's turn.

"Sir, I'd like to remind you that if three attempts go by and you are still alive, you will be free to go. Any last words?"

"You all know that the wall socket there is unplugged, right?"

Did I tell you about my attempt to grow bananas in sand?

It was fruitless.

Two chemists walk into a bar

The bartender asks "What shall I get you two tonight"

The first chemist says "I'll take it easy tonight, just give me H2O"

The second chemist says "I'll have some H2O as well"

The first chemist is then filled with anger as the joke he heard gave him false hope in his assassination attempt

A string walks into a bar. . .

String: I'd like a double shot of tequila, please.

Bartender: Didn't you see the sign?!? We don't serve strings!! Get outta here!!

Agitated, but determined to get that double shot of tequila, the string secretly messes up his hair in a sad attempt of creating a disguise. He confidently walks back into the bar.

String: I'd like a double shot of tequila, please.

Bartender: Hey, wait a minute, aren't you that string that was just in here?

String: No, I'm a frayed knot.

Two Eskimos light a fire in their boat in an attempt to stay warm.

However, the fire burns through the boat and it sinks, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

A priest, a minister and a rabbi went to see...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.

I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.

Attempted to exercise this morning.

Didn't work out.

In an attempt to help the less fortunate, I want to start a charity where people can donate their lightly used weaponry, whether they be guns, knives, tanks, etc so that the poor and disabled can have a sense of security while living on the streets at an affordable price

It could be called the Goodkill

Two scientists walk into a bar

The first scientist says "I'll have some H20."

 

The second scientist says "I'll have a glass of water, too. But really? Why did you say H20? Like I get that it is the chemical formula for water and all, but it is the end of a really stressful day at work and there's really no need to intentionally over-complicate things like that when we are trying to wind down."

 

The first scientist stares into his drink, angry that his assassination attempt failed.

My attempt to translate an old Polish joke to English

> A policeman approaches a man drinking beer in park and asks him for his documents. Student hands him the documents and the policeman begins reading aloud:
> -ahh, I see we don't have a job.
> -no, we don't.
> -we're jerking around all day.
> -yes, we are.
> -Oh! We are students!
> -No, only I am.

Not 100% sure if I translated it well, improvements welcome:

A conversation between friends.

White kid: My dad's well hung.
Black kid: Mine was hung too.
Chinese kid: Hey! My dad's Hung too!!








This is a below average joke attempt. I know, hanged vs hung. Still I thought I'd share.

Why did the crowd watch the man futily attempt to blend oil and water for hours on end?

It was unmiscible.

Do It Again!!!

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically.

He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die.

No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy, do it again!!!"

3 women of different hair colours get shipwrecked on a small desert island 1km away from a civilised island.

The first woman, who has brown hair, attempts to swim to the civilised island, but only gets 200 metres before getting tired and swimming back. The next woman, with black hair, sees the first one's attempt and also tries. She gets 400 metres before tiring and swimming back. The blonde then has a try, gets 800 metres, tires, and swims back.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes