The Best 42 Attacking Jokes

Hitler gave his orders

...and his army set off. They spent all day attacking and capturing the Jews. After 4 camps were filled, they returned to Hitler's base. He closed the door and completely went off on his officers. "Damnit!" he roared. "I said I wanted concentrated juice, not concentrated Jews!"

Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear?

Depends on how fast you can carry it.

What do you call a group of rioters attacking a music store?

Luters

Did you hear about the bagel shops that started attacking each other in the media?

It was a real schmear campaign.

There was an orchestral concert in the state prison last night...

A fight broke out, and the convicts began attacking each other with their instruments. The police charged them all with gang-related violins.

So I heard that the hackers "Anonymous" are waging war on ISIS and al-Qaeda...

Quite ironic that 72 virgins will be attacking the terrorists!

A rejected Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle villain concept shows a subset of the Foot clan that acted as kamikaze pilots, attacking the turtles in their own base.

They were sewer-side bombers.

What do Cats use to deter enemies from attacking?

Mewcular Warheads

Ghost Caught On TAPE!! Ghost Attacking Men sitting in the car in middle ...

Mexicans cats are attacking my home!

Looks like a "Gato raid"

A woman is accused of attacking her husband with several of his guitars

The Judge asked "First time offender?"

She replied, "No, first time a Gibson, then a Fender."

Islamic joke I saw somewhere

A man walking in New York's Central Park sees a Rottweiler attacking a little girl. He subdues the dog and saves her life.

A passing Fox News reporter says: You're a hero. Tonight's TV news bulletin will say: 'Brave New Yorker Saves Child.

The man replies: I'm a tourist from Saudi Arabia.

That night the news on Fox TV says: Islamic extremist kills New York dog.

If a tiger was attacking your wife and mother in law at the same time and you could save one, who would it be?

The tiger of course. There are only a few left 🐯

So, Anonymous has declared war on ISIS

... ironic that 72 virgins are now attacking the terrorists

What did the scientist say after attacking his colleague with sodium chloride?

That's a salt!

Everyone's attacking Rubio, but it's not his fault

His aide wrote the same thing on both his palms.

So I got a phone call from the post office today...

...complaining that my dog is attacking a postman on a bike. But I told them "It can't be my dog... he doesn't even know how to ride a bike".

A woman was accused of attacking her husband

A woman was accused of attacking her husband with several guitars. When she got in front of the judge he asked, "first offender?"
She replied, "No. First a Gibson, second a Fender."

What's 8 feet tall, covered in fur, and walks around the Himalayas undermining your arguments by attacking your character?

The Adhomineminal Snowman

My thumb keeps attacking my pinky...

I've got a civil war on my hands!

Donald Trump in a submarine

Soldier " Sir! The enemy is attacking, we're under fire!"

Trump "relax soldier... We're under water..."

A woman stood in court accused of attacking her musician husband with his own guitars.

The judge looked down from his elevated position and asked "First Offender?"

The accused replied "No your honour, first a Gibson then a Fender".

Hitler should have known before attacking Russia

that the ones who resist the cold the best are strong independent women in miniskirts.

This just in, giant fly attacking the city

The SWAT team has been called in to deal with the situation

If an illegal immigrant was attacking a priest

Would that make it Alien vs. Predator?

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

I keep having bad dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking me while I'm cooking. I call them my...

Rameses kitchen nightmares.

Why did the 100 legged bug spin around in circles before attacking its prey?

To gain centipedal force

A woman started attacking civilians with an axe. Cops were present, but did nothing.

They were stunned by her cleavage.

My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his faeces on the wall.

I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.

Did you hear about the guy who is accused of attacking people with acid?

I think that these accusations are baseless.

A woman was charged with attacking her husband with guitairs...

The judge asked "first offender?"
She replied, "No, first I used a Gibson, then I hit him with a Fender"

If a Bengal tiger is attacking your mother-in-law and spouse, who will you save?

The Bengal tiger of course!! They're getting extinct in the world.

A serial killer who was known for taking body parts as trophies

A serial killer who was known for taking body parts as trophies was captured after attacking a uniformed police officer and severing her arm. When asked why he went after the officer despite knowing the danger, he simply replied, "It was a wrist I was willing to take."

People want to help hippos and conserve them, while others dislike hippos for attacking humans.

Why are people so hippo-critical?

I'm ok with Russia attacking Ukrain

After all, it's about time that London got some sun

Apparently Germany isn't taking part in attacking Syria.

A world war without germany feels a bit empty.

Have you heard the undead are attacking people?

Yeah we're in grave danger

Anyone Bantu Africa?

What happens when you fall asleep while Shaka is attacking?
- you snooze, Zulus!

What do police officers and pokemon have in common?

attacking the enemy until they're weak then trying to catch them.

My Roomba accidentally went out the front door, and the neighbourhood animals immediately started attacking it.

Nature abhors a vacuum.