attacked Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious attacked puns

Last night I was attacked by a gang of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to me.

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Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo...

We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds...

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I'm being attacked by Russian hackers!

Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.

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What do you call a Frenchman that's been attacked by a bear?

Claude

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A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked.

The assailant says "give me all your money." The politician says "do you know who I am? I'm an important government official." The mugger says, "fine, give me all my money."

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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire.

The youngest cowboy says, Last week, a mammoth bull gored 10 men on the range, but I stepped in and wrestled it to the ground with nothing but my bare hands.

Not wanting to be outdone, the second cowboy says, That's nothing. Two days ago, I was attacked by a 10-foot rattler, but I caught it in mid-strike and ripped off its head with my teeth.

The third cowboy just sat there quietly, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

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My Wife's star sign is Cancer and it's pretty ironic how she died...

She was attacked by a giant crab

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I was once attacked by a group of mimes

They did unspeakable things to me

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Did you know the Secret Service is no longer allowed to say "GET DOWN!" when the President is getting attacked?

Now they're required to say "Donald, duck!"

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A nun was out for a walk...

...when a black van pulls up beside her. A man jumps out and drags her into the van were he proceeds to rape her. When he's done he stands up beside her and asks:
- So what are you gonna tell your sisters when you get back?
- I will tell them the truth. That a horrible man attacked me and raped me twice.
- Twice? the man asks.
- Yes. the nun replies. If your not in a rush of course?

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Did you here about the woman who got attacked by a gang of mimes?

They performed unspeakable acts on her.

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What do you do if you're attacked by a gang of clowns?

Go for the juggler.

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Last night a man attacked me.

Last night when i was coming home from work a man attacked me. He silently put the knife to my throat with his hand covering my mouth.. I think that's it, I'm done. He takes out his business card, gives it to me and leaves. With a pounding heart and shortness of breath, I read it.

It said : *Self-defense courses.*

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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire...

The youngest cowboy says, Last week, a huge bull gored 10 men on the range, but I stepped in and wrestled it to the ground with nothing but my bare hands.

Not wanting to be outdone, the second cowboy says, That's nothing. Two days ago, I was attacked by a 10-foot rattler, but I caught it in mid-strike and ripped off its head with my teeth."

The third cowboy just sat there quietly, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

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My wife asked why I brought a gun home

I told her it was in case the decepticons attacked. She said that's the silliest thing she's ever heard and that I didn't need a gun. My wife laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed. I shot the toaster.

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My dad's sign was cancer. Its so ironic how he died.

He was attacked by a giant crab.

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I saw a clickbait article: "Watch Eminem attack Trump like no President has ever been attacked."

I mean... Kennedy was shot in the head... But ok.

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My wife's starsign was Cancer, which is quite ironic really, thinking about how she died...

she was attacked by a giant crab

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If life was like middle school

Judge: In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a more despicable criminal. You robbed, assaulted, and tortured the victim simply for the thrill of it. Do you have anything to say before I sentence you?

Criminal: Nope

Judge: I hereby sentence you to forty years in a maximum security prison. I also sentence the victim to forty years in prison.

Victim: Wait- what? That doesn't make any sense! *He* attacked *me*!

Judge: I don't care who started it.

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Tip for when you are attacked by a bear

Play dead.

It will be good practice for when you die a couple minutes later.

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If Turkey was attacked from the rear

Would Greece help?

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The Secret Service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the President is about to be attacked

Now they have to yell, "Donald, duck!"

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A man was walking his dog when an angry, rude feminist came up to him.

"Your dog looks fucking ugly" she said.
"...thanks" the man replied, annoyed at her.
"It's probably got a shit name too," she told him.
The man replied, "it's name is Karma"
"What a fucking terrible name. I bet it's a trashy male too," she said. The dog then jumped at the lady and attacked her, making several bite marks.

The man told her "Karma is a bitch."

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A man was walking in Central Park in NYC...

Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".

The man says, "But I am not a New Yorker!"

"Oh ,then it will say in newspapers tomorrow morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" the policeman replied.

"But I am not even an American!" Says the man.

"Oh, what are you then?" The policeman asks.

The man replies, "I am a Saudi!"

The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog."

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An RAF vet is giving a talk about the war...

An RAF veteran is giving a talk to a class of school children, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.

"So there I was, escorting the bombers to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one was on my tail and I coukdn't shake the Fokker, but my pal took care of him. Then I took out two more of the Fokkers..."

The teacher interupts "Children I should explain, the Fokker was a type of figher airplane used by the German Air Force to stop the RAF bombers and their escorts."

"Yes, but these Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"

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A comedian was getting attacked for his routine being too sexist

So, he replaced the word "women" with "white, rich, republican women". The audience stopped complaining.

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A Pakistani boy took admission in an American school .

A Pakistani boy took admission in an American school .
Teacher : Whats your name ?
Boy : Zain.
Teacher : No, now you are in America, your name is Johnny from today. Boy went home and his mother asked: How was the day Zain?
Boy : I am an American now, so call me Johnny. Mom and Dad both got offended and beat him up. Next day he was back to school all bruised .
Teacher : What happened Johnny ?
Boy: Ma'm, just 6 hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Pakistani terrorists.

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A Pakistani boy took...

.... admission in an American school ...

Teacher : Whats your name ?
Boy : Nadir

Teacher : No, now you are in America, your name is Johnny from today.

Boy went home and his mother asked: How was the day Nadir?

Boy : I am an American now, so call me Johnny.

Mom and Dad both got offended and beat him up.
Next day he was back to school all bruised ...

Teacher : What happened Johnny ?

Boy: Ma'm, just 6 hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Pakistani terrorists.

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What do you call a french man who's been attacked by a bear?

Claude

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A lawyer is about to enter a party..............

A lawyer is about to enter a party and decides to tell people that he's a doctor instead of a lawyer since people seem to think badly about lawyers and has always been attacked by lawyers jokes. After he's mingled for a little while, a guy comes up to him and tells him that there's another doctor there who works at the same hospital he does. To his surprise, this other doctor plays along and pretends to know him. After the party ends, the guy goes up to the doctor and says, Thanks for playing along. So, what does it feel like to be a real doctor? The man replies, I wouldn't know. I work for the IRS.

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A robber attacked a man and said:

-Give me all your money!
The man said:
- You do know I'm a politician,right?!
-OK , give me all of MY money then! the man replied.

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We heard that the building was being attacked by a giant fly...

... So we called the SWAT team.

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Once there were two pirates who were identical twins...

These twins, the Tillery brothers, were named Arthur and Artemis, but both of them liked to be called Art. The only way that the captain and crew could tell them apart was by weight: Arthur was much fatter than his twin.

One day, the pirate ship was attacked by a Royal Navy ship. "All hands on deck!" The captain ordered. He pointed to the cannons and shouted, "Fire the heavy artillery!"

Hearing this, one of the pirates picked up Arthur, shoved him in the cannon, and fired.

"What did you do that for?" The captain asked.

"Sorry sir," the pirate replied. "But I'm sure you told me to fire the heavy Art Tillery."

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An atheist is deep sea fishing.

An atheist is out on the Atlantic ocean deep sea fishing when his boat is attacked by the Kraken. Huge tentacles wrap around the boat and begin to rip it in two. He looks over the boat straight into the jaws of the beast and screams "Oh God! Help!"

Time freezes. A ray of light shines down on him and he hears a deep voice say "I thought you didn't believe I was real."

"Come on, God, cut me a break!" the man responds. "A few seconds ago, I didn't believe the Kraken was real either!"

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My friend's star sign was cancer, so I guess it's quite ironic how he died.

He got attacked by a giant crab.

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What are the most funny Attacked jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Attacked? Well, here are the best Attacked dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Attacked pick up lines to share with friends.

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