Heartwarming Attack Jokes that Make You Laugh
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
Am I in heaven? asks the disoriented priest.
No says one of the nurses. We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward.
*RANT TIME* Please can we stop with the flashing blue outdoor Christmas lights this year ?
Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the w**..., fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the machete under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.
The Heart Attack
THE HEART ATTACK
A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband n**... lying on the bed,
sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to use the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son says
"Mummy mummy, aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom
right past her husband..rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is
her sister, totally n**... and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten b**...', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around
n**... playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over...
Jim's car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, Step out of the car says the cop, I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test. I can't , Jim responds You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack. Alright, says the cop, then you're going to have to take a blood test. Can't do that either, Jim responds, I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death. Ok, the cop answers then I will need a u**... sample. Sorry, says Jim I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low. Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me. Can't do that either responds Jim. Why not? Demanded the exasperated cop. Well, because I'm drunk!
So it's little Johnny's turn to present for show and tell...
So it's little Johnny's turn to present for show and tell. He goes up to the chalkboard and draws a period. The teacher then asks "What is so special about a period?" Little Johnny replies "I don't know, but when my sister said she missed hers my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the neighbor shot himself!"
An atheist in the forest...
stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen"
I was hungover this morning so I phoned work and said to the boss...
.. "I'm afraid I won't be in today, my father had a massive heart attack and died last night."
"That was your last chance Dave," he said, "I'm taking the 'and son' off the shop sign."
Careful what you wish for!
I don't think I ever got over
my grandmother's death when I was a kid.
My grandmother died from a heart attack
during my ninth birthday party.
Literally while she was eating cake.
And I guess that must have s**... me up a little bit.
I mean, I still have birthday parties.
But now I'm just careful what I wish for.
—Anthony Jeselnik
Two ladies meet up for coffee...
The first lady asks if she came on the bus. The other replies, "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."
(I work in a hospital, a patient told me this.)
What do you do if you're attacked by a gang of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Blonde Co-Pilot
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out for help.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! First, give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "repeat after me: Our Father...Who art in Heaven....."
You can explore attack ddos reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean attack heart attack dad jokes. There are also attack puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Sunday Morning s**...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having s**... would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the d**...." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Two women meet in heaven...
There's these two women meeting for the first time in heaven who's names are Carol and Lydia. Carol leans over and asks Lydia what the cause of her death was. Lydia says, "Well I froze to death. How did you die?" To which Carol replies "I died of a massive heart attack." Very concerned, Lydia asks "What caused the heart attack?" Carol starts then explaining on how she thought her husband was cheating on her. And how she had come home early to catch him in the act but, to her surprise, only found her husband sitting in the den reading a book. But convinced there was another women in the house, she frantically started destroying the house looking for the other women until she was so exhausted that her heart just stopped working. Amazed at the story, Lydia looks at Carol and says, "If you would have looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
Army commando recruitment - from India
A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army.
Interviewer: "We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing & most importantly; having a killer instinct. So Do you think you are eligible?"
Man: "No Sir; but can my Wife apply?"
Why did the Mexican army attack the Alamo with only 2000 soldiers?
they only had one pickup
Let's make it Aussie joke day.
A man on vacation in Queensland suffers a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. On waking, he weakly asks the nurse, "Was I brought here to die?" The nurse replies, "No, they brought you in yesterday."
An Atheist was in the woods and a bear came after him,
He got so scared, he looked up to heaven and yelled "OH MY GOD! Help me!"
And a voice from Heaven came down and asked, "Does that mean you want to be a Christian?"
The Atheist thinks a little bit and says, "No, make the bear a Christian."
The bear, almost ready to attack, then a miracle happened. The bear's paws came together in prayer form, looked up to Heaven and said, "Bless this food which I'm about to eat."
-Frank De Lima
Yo mamma so fat...
When you download a picture of her at work, the IT department thinks they're under a DDoS attack.
In school, the teacher warns her students...
..."I will not tolerate any excuses for any kind. I might consider a nuclear attack, serious injury or even the death of a relative, but whoever misses this exam will fail the class."
The class's wise-guy says:
"But teacher, what if tomorrow I arrive to class completely exhausted from last night's amazing s**...?"
The teacher says:
"Well I guess you'll have to do the exam with your left hand, then."
Do you know cat owners are 50% less likely to suffer from a heart attack
mainly because their hearts are already broken
The vaccine conspiracy
Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:
"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"
"No, autism is a condition that develops during pregnancy"
After getting well, she met her friends and told them about her experience:
"Girls, I have awful news: the conspiracy goes way higher than we've thought"
Two Women Talking in Heaven
1 Woman: Hi, Wandal
2 Woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?
1 Woman: I froze to death.
2 Woman: How horrible!
1 Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2 Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1 Woman: So what happened?
2 Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1 Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer-we'd both still be alive.
Obama and a general are discussing how to attack ISIS
Obama: We need to get boots on the ground to attack them. Send in soldiers, artillery, and trucks.
General: You are forgetting something important sir.
Obama: No I am not.
General: Tanks, Obama.
A woman has a heart attack in a plane.
The stewardess asks "Is there a doctor on board?".
A person comes forward and announces "I'm a vegan."
Yo mama so fat...
...she had an heart attack while running an app.
A zookeeper notices his prize gorilla was getting aggressive..
She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't sleep. And she constantly kept trying to attack the zookeeper. So, he did some research and found out female gorillas can become depressed and aggressive when deprived from s**....
The zookeeper then looked around for another male gorilla for her to engage in i**..., but unfortunately the zoo couldn't afford to import a male gorilla just for her to have s**....
Giving his funding situation, he goes up to the janitor and asks him "Hey, for $500, would you have s**... with this gorilla?"
The janitor thought about it for a minute, and then replied "Sure, on three conditions. First condition, I don't want to kiss her."
"Okay sure! I wouldn't expect you to!"
The janitor then stated "Second condition. I don't want anyone knowing about this ordeal."
"Sure, fine! Not a problem! What's your third condition?"
Janitor said "Give me at least 2 weeks to come up with the $500"
Saudi TV Mistake
Saudi Arabia TV reported the Brussels attack 15 minutes earlier than it actually happened. Saudi TV sincerely apologizes for this innocent mistake.
What has four legs and one arm?
An attack dog in an elementary school.
What gave h**... a heart attack?
Seeing his gas bill
My mother's star sign was cancer. Ironic how she died, really.
She died due to fatal injuries from a giant crab attack.
What is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades
A Man Has a Heart Attack on a Plane...
Stewardess: Is **anybody** here a doctor?!
Man: (Raising Hand) I'm a vegan.
Dark humor is like a t**... attack...
the timing needs to be just right.
Two nuns are walking in a forest.
Two nuns are walking in a forest. All of a sudden two maniacs attack them and start s**... abusing them. One of the nuns says :
• Oh god... please forgive them! they don't know what they are doing!
The other nun turns around and says :
• Mine does!
I did a self defense course
I would't recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion
A jew in his deathbed...
A jew in his deathbed is surrounded by his family. He asks if the wife is there; she was. He asks if his son was there; he was. He asked if his daughter was there, and she was.
As he finds out everyone's there, he has a heart attack. His final words were:
-Why... is no one... in the shop...
My girlfriend is kind of like a ninja attack..
They're two things I'll never see coming.
(I've never been so proud of myself for writing a joke)
Thief and a congressman
A thief stuck a p**... in a man's ribs and said, Give me your money. The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman! The thief said, In that case, give me my money!
"I think i'm having a heart attack. Quick! Dad, call me a doctor..."
"You're a Doctor."
Best explanation of Star Wars
The story of an orphaned boy who becomes radicalised after a military strike kills his family. He is indoctrinated into an ancient religion, joins a band of rebel insurgents, and carries out a t**... attack which kills 300'000 people.
A mathematician is afraid of flying
A mathematician is afraid of flying due to the small risk of a t**... attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with his hand luggage. "The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero."
So there we were, 2 vs 100. We prepared our attack and started off strong...
Killed 'em both.
Mexican self defense
A Mexican passed a Japanese man and a Korean man as they were discussing their favorite type of martial arts.
Japanese man: I practice karate, the defense arts.
Korean man: I practice Taekwondo, teaches defense and attack.
At this point the men notice the Mexican and ask him what he practices
Mexican: Judono
Men: We have heard of Judo but not Judono, what is it?
Mexican: Well, judono if I got a gun, judono if I got a knife...
It's too soon to make jokes about the Sweden t**... Attack
We should wait for it to happen first.
MySpace got hit by a DDOS attack..
More than 8 users were disconnected.
It's a shame Carrie Fisher was on a United Airlines flight when she had her heart attack.
If she was on another airline there might have been a doctor on board.
How do you know the US isn't going to attack North Korea?
They didn't arm them first.
I'm being attacked by Russian hackers!
Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.
Muslim women are the best fighters.
Not only can they attack with their low jabs, they can attack with their hijabs.
I pushed a random old guy's Life Alert to see what would happen.
He got so angry, he had a heart attack.
Good thing the ambulance was already on it's way.
I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...
I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??
I recently failed out of military school when I was asked what steps I would take to ensure my safety during a t**... attack.
Apparently, 'Fucking large ones' wasn't the right answer.
The national anthem is under attack
And I won't stand for it!
I saw a clickbait article: "Watch Eminem attack Trump like no President has ever been attacked."
I mean... Kennedy was shot in the head... But ok.
Secret Service no longer yells Get down, Mr President any more when the President is under attack
Now they yell Donald, duck
My grandfather died at auschwitz
He had a heart attack after he saw the gift shop prices.
To all of you idiots out there that drive loud cars, we hate you and get off our roads.
We don't care how many heart attack victims you have to take to the hospital.
Someone said they'd attack me with the neck of their guitar...
"Is that a fret?"
A hunter and his guide were deep in the mountains when they stopped to rest.
The hunter gazed at his companion and mused, "You know, I'm a pretty big fellow. If I had a heart attack or broke a leg, how would you get me out?"
"Last year, I shot a sixteen hundred pound moose way back there and got it out all right," the guide replied.
"How'd you manage that?"
"Twelve trips."
Do you know what to do if an epileptic has an attack in bath?
Quickly add your laundry.
Did you see the story in the newspaper about the s**... attack at the laundry?
The headline read "Nut screws washers and bolts"
President Donald Trump said that by 2050 US forces intend to attack the Sun if it does not stop nuclear reactions.
the attack is planned at night or they will just fly from the dark side.
What do you call a black guy having a heart attack?
An ambulance.
Just had a guy threaten to attack me with the neck of a guitar
I asked him, "Is that a fret?"
The Inca people were one of the few who ever mastered hunting with owls, much like traditional falconry.
Legend says they learned calls to communicate with the intelligent birds, even to the point of planning attack strategies ahead of time.
And that's where we get the term Inca-hoots.
A woman helps a man who is having a heart attack.
The woman asks the gathering crowd, "Any doctor here?" One man answered, "I'm a doctor, what's going on?" The woman says, "He's having a heart attack, can you help?" The man says, "I'm a doctor in philosophy." The woman says, "He is going to die!!". The doctor replies, "We are all going to die."
Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.
When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.
My wife went into hospital last night after an acid attack, "Will I still be attractive?" She sobbed.
The doctor had a quick look, and said, "Sure, but you may have to have some f**... reconstruction and wear a mask.... How does that sound to you?"
"Not good!" My wife replied, "The acid only hit me on my leg."
A college teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam.
Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!
A smart-a**... guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly.
Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
There's radical feminist plot to attack the postal service...
They heard it was a mail dominated industry..
( Possibility OC?)
An elderly couple were on vacation in Israel
While they were there the wife suddenly dies of a heart attack.
A local mortitian explains the husband that it would cost him 100$ to bury her in Israel but it would cost him 3.000$ to have her transported to America tp have her buried at home.
The husband thinks about it for a while and then says to the mortitian that he would like to have her transported home.
The mortitian asks the why he wouldn't let her be buried in Israel when he could save a lot of money!
The husband then says "well I've heard of a guy who died and was buried here many years ago and he came back after three days. I'm not gonna risk that!"
A shark is teaching his kid how to attack swimmers.
"Make sure your dorsal fin is above the water and swim toward them *really fast*, then veer away at the last moment. Do that a few times, and then go back and eat them."
"But why not just come up from below and eat them right away?"
"Well, they taste a lot better if you *empty* 'em first."
I was attacked by 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9
The odds were against me
Three bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...
"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, who had a heart attack while making love to his mistress, hence the smile." says the coroner.
Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won the lottery and spent all his money on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Ah!" says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Sean, the Irishman, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is *he* smiling then?"
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
*My grandfather told me this one as a kid so I hope you enjoyed!*
I was attacked by a group of mime artists.
They did unspeakable things to me.
A college professor reminds her class of the next day's final exam saying, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever"
A guy sitting at the back asks, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?"
The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
I saw a woman attack a man with a jigsaw.
He looked puzzled.
A thief stuck a p**... in a man's ribs and said, Give me your money. The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman!
The thief said, In that case, give me my money!
Man 1: I have a half sister. Man 2: Different father?
Man 1: No, shark attack.
Two women died and were waiting at the gates of heaven. They talked to each other.
How did you die?
I froze to death. It was painful and took a long time. And you? How did you die?
A heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating on me and I came home suddenly. He was alone in our bedroom. But I felt his girlfriend was somewhere! So I spend a long time looking for her from the basement to the attic. I got exhausted and had a heart attack.
It's ironic.
What is?
If you had checked the freezer first, we would both still be alive!
Today at the zoo I was let into the Lion enclosure
I said to the lion handler Why do I do if the lion tries to attack me?
He replied Don't be afraid it's very simple, if the lion charges you, reach behind your back, grab a pile of s**... off the ground and throw it in the lions face
I said to him But what if I reach behind me and there is no pile of s**... on the ground?
To which the lion handler said Don't worry it'll be there
Zelensky: Why did you invade Iraq?
United States: Because we "suspected" nuclear weapons.
Zelensky: So why not attack Russia now?
United States: Because we know that Russia has nuclear weapons.
News just in of a honeymooner killed in a shark attack off the Perth Coast. The man had been married very recently. A police spokesman said
Fortunately the man did not suffer too much as he had only been married 5 days
What did the pushpin say when threatened?
Attack!
The Caribbean is under attack from invasive plant life and other weeds
The situation is dire, specifically the Cuban Thistle Crisis
Two brothers are hunting in the woods...
One of the two brothers has a heart attack and passes out. So the other brother is worried and calls 911.
911: Whats your emergency?
Man: I think my brother just died. He's just collapsed and he's not breathing.
911: Can you make sure whether he is dead?
Man: sure.
*a loud gunshot can be heard over the phone*
Man: Done, what should I do next?
Two guys out hunting, one has a heart attack and falls dead.
Second guy calls 911.
Hunter: My friend just died of a heart attack!
Dispatcher: Calm down, first make absolutely sure he's dead.
Hunter: Okay hold on... \*BANG\* Okay now what?
A man who made tie-dyed shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his business.
While filling out the documents, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of dye all over his paperwork. The poor man dyed a loan.
I once told someone I had a half brother
They said Oh different mother or different father? And I said Niether, there was a shark attack
President Biden ordered an F16 missile attack to destroy the Chinese spy balloon
Americans are thrilled. It's the first thing he's done to combat inflation.
What do you call it when you let your opponent attack both your king and queen in chess?
A royal fork-up
