attached Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious attached puns

For sale:

Guitar

Yoyo

Puppet

Kite

£5 for the lot

Genuine reason for sale

No strings attached

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My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them...

Says he has always been able to count on them.

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Go bungee jumping for free!

No strings attached.

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Woman goes to a doctor with a tampon lodged inside her...

Doctor: So how did this happen?

Woman: I don't know, I mean I didn't get them from the store as usual, I saw a special deal on eBay, a hundred boxes for $1!

Doctor: A hundred boxes for $1? Didn't that sound suspiciously cheap to you?

Woman: Well I thought that too, so I checked the entire listing and it said plain and clear

One hundred boxes of tampons for $1...

...no strings attached!

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A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender looks at the steering wheel and asks, "Doesn't that bother you?" The pirate responds, "Yar it's driving me nuts."

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I once attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt...

I'll admit it was a waist of time.

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Nowadays with internet in some prisons..

..How do they prevent the emails from having attached files?

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For Sale...

Parachute: $300.

Slightly stained.

Used once; never opened.

No strings attached.

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Does anyone want to buy a broken yo-yo?

No strings attached

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Free parachute

No strings attached!

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Why did Jesus drop out of the carpentry business?

He got too attached to his work.

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A man is getting ready to go on a business trip...

He has been suspicious of his wife cheating on him. So he places under his bed a spoon attached to a string that hangs on the metal frame with a bowl of milk under it. He measures the weight of his wife in bed alone to make sure it is not in the milk unless there is more weight.

The man leaves and comes home after a few days and looks under his bed to find a bowl of butter.

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A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with the ship's steering wheel attached to the front of his pants.

The bartender says : "Hey pirate, you got a steering wheel coming out of your pants."

The pirate nods and says : "Arrgh! It's driving me nuts!"

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African Penis Growth Technique.

A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe. They learned that when

each male member of this particular tribe reaches a certain age, he has a string with a

weight attached to it tied around his penis. After a while the weight stretches the penis
until it's 20 inches long.

Later that evening, as the man was getting out of the shower, his wife said, "let's try the African string and weight technique honey".
The husband agreed, and they tied a string with a weight to his penis.
A few days later the wife asked, "how is our little experiment coming along?" The husband replied "Well, it looks like we're about halfway there".
The wife impressed and said, "you mean it's already grown to 10 inches?"
"No" the husband replied. "It's turning black".

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5 boxes for a dollar...

A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on them saying, "5 boxes for a dollar."

Well, the woman just can't believe this price so she asks the clerk if it was correct.

He replies, "Oh yes, 5 for a dollar."

She says, "That can't be right!"

The clerk responds, "Oh yes, it's right!! 5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached."

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A man and his son were at the grocery store today...

They were using a cart that had a child-size car attached to the front with the kid inside. While I was shopping, I noticed the dad started hitting the cart into the wall, it was a pretty bizarre sight to see. Before I could intervene, the kid yells,



Kid: DAAAAAD, stop!!! What are you doing?! Stooop!


Kid: Daaaad?! We're not going anywhere! What are you doing?



The dad finally stops after a minute, looks his son straight in the eye and says, as a matter of fact,



Dad: "I don't know son, you're the one who's driving."






I've never laughed so hard while eavesdropping, dad jokes are great. Happy Saturday!

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I'm giving away parachutes for free.

No strings attached.

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Twelve Italian priests...

...were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

As he bent over to pick it up… all the other bells started to ring!

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A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde driver...

"Are you aware of what you were doing?" The officer asks.
"Speeding?" "Yes, now show me your license and registration please." The driver with a puzzled look asked "What is that?" "The thing with your face on it." So the blonde driver looks through her purse and finds an eyeshadow palette with a mirror attached and shows it to the officer. "Oh, it's okay, you're a police officer."

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Where is the line between romance and perversion?

Romance is stroking a woman tenderly with a feather.

Perversion is when that feather is still attached to the chicken.

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String to the penis

A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe. They learned that when each male member of this particular tribe reaches a certain age, he has a string with a weight attached to it tied around his penis. After a while the weight stretches the penis until it's 20 inches long.

Later that evening, as the man was getting out of the shower, his wife said, "let's try the African string and weight technique hon"

The husband agreed, and they tied a string with a weight to his penis.

A few days later the wife asked, "how is our little experiment coming along?". The husband replied "Well, it looks like we're about halfway there".

The wife impressed and said, "you mean it's already grown to 10 inches?"

"No" the husband replied. "It's turning black"

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I'm thinking of giving away my broken marionette.

No strings attached

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I miss my umbilical cord

I grew attached to it.

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A woman sees a sale sign that says "Tampons: 3 boxes for $5"

Wanting to take advantage of the deal, she goes into the store. The sales attendant immediately comes up to her and asks if he can help her, she says, "Yes, I saw a sign outside that said you have a sale going for tampons, are they really just $5 for three whole boxes?

The sales attendant replies," Yes ma'am, they're three boxes for $5, and there are no strings attached."

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A professor was giving a big test one day to his students.

He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

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My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show

One of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:

THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ..... Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week".

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:

THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .......... You could learn a lot from him".

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said:

THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day .. You could REALLY learn something from this one".

I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow".

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say I should eventually make a full recovery.

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So, a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his penis...

The bartender asks the pirate, "Hey pirate, why do you have a steering wheel attached to your penis?"

The pirate replies, "Arrrgh...it's driving me nuts!"

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Can't teach an old dog new tricks.

A dog walks into a Butcher's shop. It trots up to the counter and starts muzzling at the steak, then stands on its hind legs.

The butcher sees a note attached to it's neck with " one sirloin rare, please" written on it.

Bemused, the butcher hands it over and the dog rifles around in a bag on it's back.

The dog grabs a wad of cash in it's mouth and lays it on the counter, then walks out.

The butcher follows the dog out of the shop and on to the street. He watches as the dog hails a cab, gets in, and is whisked away.

Curiosity is too much for him so he hails a cab and follows the taxi the dog has taken.

The dog exits its cab, rummages in its bag for some money for the driver, and wanders down the road.

The butcher is now entranced by this amazing canine. He follows it down the road untill it stops at a house.

The dog then starts headbutting the front door.

No answer.

It headbutts a little harder.

No answer.

Finally a man opens the door. He looks down at the waiting dog and kicks it hard in the ribs.

The butcher shouts out:

" You fucking bastard! How can you do that to such an amazing, intelligent animal!"

The man replys:

" Intelligent!? Stupid fucker forgot its front door key again!"

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I've got a parachute for sale. Never been used. Cheap.

No strings attached.

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Jack was a new teacher and was giving a big test to his students.

He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.

Jack noticed that one of the students had attached a 100 dollar bill to his test with a message saying "A dollar per point."

The next class Jack handed the tests back out.

This student got back his test... and $56 change.

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I had to break up with my girlfriend...

Me and my Japanese girlfriend had been dating for around 9 months before she really started becoming attached and really clingy. I decided that the best thing for me to do was to end the relationship. When I told her she took it surprisingly well, and she didn't get upset or anything. I was ecstatic! But she turned up to my house the next day and asked where we were going for dinner. I was confused and I told her to have a seat whilst I informed her that our relationship was OVER! This time when I told her she was crying, kicking and screaming.

I guess the only way to make the Japanese really understand is to drop the bomb twice

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Pinocchio is walking down the street...

...and he runs into a wizard, who says, "Hey, Pinocchio, give me five bucks and I'll turn you into a real boy."

"What's the catch?" Pinocchio asks suspiciously.

"No catch," the wizard replies, "Just give me five bucks and I'll turn you into a real boy, no strings attached."

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A marine received a letter from his girlfriend

A marine was deployed to Afghanistan when he received a letter from his girlfriend. She said she fell in love with his best friend while he was gone, and that she didn't want him to come back to her. The marine did what any other man would do. He went around to all of his buddies and collected all of the unwanted pictures of women (with clothes and without clothes). After he had about 2 dozen pictures, he mailed them to his ex with a letter attached that said, "I don't remember which one you are. Take the pictures of you and please mail the rest back."

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Why do tampons have strings attached?

So you can floss after you eat.


Alt ending: So the crabs can bungee jump.

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Tribal Experiment!

A blonde couple was watching a documentary on the TV Channel about an African tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When a male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and a weight is attached to the other end. After a while, the weight stretches the length of the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "What do you say, we try that African string-and-weight procedure?"

Her husband agreed and they tied and string and weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're half-way there," he replied.

"You've grown to 12 inches?!" she said, astonished.

"No... it's turned black," he answered.

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What are the most funny Attached jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Attached? Well, here are the best Attached dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Attached pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes