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Athlete Jokes

88 athlete jokes and hilarious athlete puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about athlete that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Laugh along with our collection of funny jokes about athletes and sportsmen! Whether it be a washed-up athlete, a good sportsperson, or someone taking steroids, there's a laugh to be had by all.

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Funniest Athlete Short Jokes

Short athlete jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The athlete humour may include short fighter jokes also.

  1. Kanye said he is an intellectual who doesn't read books. Which I get because I am an athlete that rarely moves.
  2. North Korea is participating in the olympics this year, but they won't win. Because all of their athletes that can run jump or swim are in south korea
  3. Got the best compliment from my doctor today He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
  4. Why do the athletes sweat a lot more at these Olympics than at the last ones? There are no fans. (I'll let myself out)
  5. Olympics, the new tower of Babel The German Olympian
    I met an athlete near the Olympic Park
    I asked him "Are you a Pole Vaulter"?
    He said "No, I'm German...
    and how do you know my name?"
  6. I met an olympic athlete yesterday... 'Are you a pole vaulter?' I asked.
    'No' He replied. 'I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter?'
  7. My gf told me I should not say anything about her friend's right lazy eye When I met her friend I complimented her on how athletic her left eye was
  8. America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole day.
  9. I am totally not a racist but... Compared to all the others types of races, I think the 400 meter hurdles present the most barriers for track athletes.
  10. I'm trying to decide if I should become an athlete or a criminal So I made a list of pros and cons.

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Athlete One Liners

Which athlete one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with athlete? I can suggest the ones about trainer and sports.

  1. Which athlete was the first to take a knee? Tonya Harding.
  2. Never date a girl that plays tennis They may be athletic, but love means nothing to them.
  3. If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe.
  4. Say what you want about Russian Athletes But their training regimen is pretty dope
  5. If athletes get athlete's foot, what do candy makers get? Tic tac toe
  6. How many armed men does it take to extort an Olympic athlete? A Brazilian.
  7. Who was the first person to take a knee at an athletic event? Tonya Harding.
  8. Why couldn't the athlete listen to music? Because she'd broken the record
  9. Who are the least romantic athletes? Tennis players.
    Love means nothing to them.
  10. What do French athletes wear? Jaques straps
  11. What do you call an athlete doing drugs ? A Speed runner
  12. If I had to box a professional athlete. I would choose a soccer player.
  13. Rio is full of liars, cheaters, thieves, and drug abusers. And that's just the athletes.
  14. What do you call a white guy on steroids? An athlete
  15. What is round and helps against athlete's foot? A landmine.

Good Athlete Jokes

Here is a list of funny good athlete jokes and even better good athlete puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What did the judges say about the Russian athlete that lost a race? "Well, at least he Putin a good effort."
  • Why are unvaccinated children such good athletes? Because they can catch anything
  • Why did Hillary put an Australian athlete on her ticket? She needed a good running mate.
  • How is a track and field athlete like an American soldier? They're both good at using javelins.
  • What do you call an athlete that smells good? D. O. Durant
  • Why is women's soccer so boring? Because all the good female athletes play in men's leagues.
    Thank you, thank you.
  • Why does France have lots of track athletes? Because they are good runners.
  • Why do b**... make good athletes? They spent the first nine months of their lives dodging hangers.

Here is a list of funny paid athlete jokes and even better paid athlete puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The average paid athlete weighs more than the average felon As you can see, the pros outweigh the cons.
  • Why do paid athletes weigh more than felons? Because the pro's outweigh the cons.
  • I just abhor the athletes They get paid, just for having fun
Athlete joke, I just abhor the athletes

Washed Up Athlete Jokes

Here is a list of funny washed up athlete jokes and even better washed up athlete puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why should you always wash your delicate undergarments separate from your socks? To prevent yourself from getting athletes c**... !
Athlete joke, Why should you always wash your delicate undergarments separate from your socks?

Great Athlete Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends

What funny jokes about athlete you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean player jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make athlete pranks.

Hear about the first Polish athlete to win an Olympic gold medal?

He was so proud, he had it bronzed.

Besides being an famous chief (despite burning everything he cooked), Adolf h**... was also a star athlete....

He was the fascist kid on the playground.

What do you call an X-Games athlete who placed dead last?

A louger.

Outside of the athletes village at the Olympics I saw a guy walking with a pole vault..

I asked him " are you a pole vaulter ?"
To which he replied "nein, I am German. How did you know my name vas Vaulter?"

What award did Chewbacca win his first season as a professional athlete?

Wookie of the year.

I made the love of live choose between me and her dream of being a professional athlete...

She left me and became a famous tennis player, I should have known love meant nothing to her.

Reporter approaches an athlete at the olympics and asks " are you a pole vaulter?"

Athlete (in German accent) "no I'm not polish, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

Which athletes will not get Zika at Rio 2016?

Those on Team Great Britain, because they'll leave.

What did the Russian athlete say when he was stung by a mosquito during the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro?

zika blyat

A Mexican athlete finally got a medal at the Olympics.

The police are still searching for him.

Who was Adolf h**...'s least favorite athlete?

O.J. Simpson. Everyone knows h**... hated The Juice.

If an athlete can get athlete's foot, what can an astronaut get?

I have no idea.. my 6th grade teacher asked us this and never told us the answer and it's been haunting me for 30 years. Any guesses?

What did the athlete say after a perfect hammer toss?

"Nailed it."

Two pregnant women are talking about their future babies

"I feel like my girl will be an athlete, she kicks so much in there it's unbelieavable!"
"Oh, I'm sure mine will be a comedian."
"How can you be so sure?"
"You wouldn't get it. It's an inside joke."

Why doesn't Kevin Spacey win first place in marathons?

He isn't an athlete and doesn't train for marathons

An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor.

The doctor says, 'We have three possible donors.
One is a young, healthy athlete.
The second is a middleaged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practising law for 30 years.'
'I'll take the lawyer's heart,' says the patient.
'Why?' asks the doctor.
The patient replies, 'It's never been used.'

Who's the World's greatest athlete?

The Guy who finishes first and third in a m**... contest.

"I'd like to welcome all the athletes to the Olympic Games"

"I'd also like to welcome the curling teams"

At Munich Airport

A young man approaches an Olympic athlete carrying a long pole and asks are you a pole vaulter?
The man clearly annoyed responds no, I'm German, and how did you know my name is Walter?!

Tiger Woods is the ultimate Athlete.

18 holes a day and he still has time for golf.

If Estonia's best athlete was called Ted...

Would they call him Talinn-Ted?

Confusion reigns at the Olympics

A young journalist walked up to a track and field athlete who was warming up for his event to get an interview.
Not entirely sure of the athlete's discipline he asks, "Are you a polevaulter?"
The athlete replied, "Nein, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

My favourite athlete is now Neymar

He united my to favourite things: football and laying down

I went to the doctor's today and they told me I had the body of an athlete today

Or at least the feet of one. But hey, you got to start somewhere

I used to be a professional ski athlete

It just went downhill from there

I got the body of a pro athlete

... in ESports

Only athletes will understand this

It's a running joke.

Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?'

He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'

I'll have you know that I have the body of an athlete!

And by athlete, I mean a sumo wrestler...

Did you hear about the athlete shot by a starter p**... at an event?

Detectives believe it was race related.

Dope, or no dope, Lance Armstrong was still a great athlete.

Winning the tour is no easy feat. Even with the drugs, he worked his ball off to go to where he is today!

A Patient Needs a Heart Transplant

The surgeon tells the patient, "You are in luck; we have two matching donors! A twenty-year-old athlete and an eighty-year-old lawyer. Which heart do you want?"
The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart. That one hasn't been used yet."

I am undecided on whether should I be an athlete or a criminal

so I made a list of pros and cons.

I've met a track and field athlete that commonly chokes whenever he runs too fast,

It became a running gag for him.

Some people are upset that Profesional athletes get payed so much

But really it makes sense.
After a few years of training an athlete is playing professionally.
After more than a decade of work and education most doctors are still practicing.

I have the body of an athlete

and a dentist, a mcdonalds cashier, a businessman
yeah my basement is a bit crowded

I told my husband I didn't want to get his athlete's foot.

He said, "So you're calling me an athlete?"

Chuck Norris injected his blood into a monkey, a fish, and a lizard.

These are now known as King Kong, Jaws, and Godzilla.
What every athlete says after winning: "First of all, I'd like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing."
Chuck can eat Chinese food with one chopstick.
Chuck threw a few rocks into the Pacific Ocean. These are now known as Hawaii.
Chuck can light ants on fire with a magnifying glass..................at night.
When Chuck is in Rome, they do what HE does.
Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one questions why.

My grandma was quite the athlete

She had trophies for all sorts of things. Her most prized was a limbo trophy she won in Hawaii. When she passed my brother wanted it. I said no and he stole it. How much lower can you go?

My date accused me of lying on my Tinder profile, but what I wrote was absolutely true.

I DO have the body of an Olympic athlete. It's buried in the backyard.

I once met an Olympian athlete.

I asked him - Are you a pole vaulter? He replied - No, I'm German but how did you know my name is Walter?

A boxing match is about to start..

A boxing match is about to start.
An ex-criminal steps on the scale and weighs in at 90kg.
Next up.. a professional athlete weighing in at 85kg.
Gotta weigh the pros and cons
Edit but not actually an edit : it's dumb, I'm aware

You can paint a thousand paintings and not be called an artist...

You can run a thousand marathons and not be called an athlete...
You can cook a thousand meals and not be called a chef.
But as soon as you kill ONE PERSON...

Athlete joke, You can paint a thousand paintings and not be called an artist...

jokes about athlete