Athletes Jokes

What are some Athletes jokes?

North Korea is participating in the olympics this year, but they won't win.

Because all of their athletes that can run jump or swim are in south korea

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missile toe.

I am totally not a racist but...

Compared to all the others types of races, I think the 400 meter hurdles present the most barriers for track athletes.

Say what you want about Russian Athletes

But their training regimen is pretty dope

Gatorades competition.

Upon the inception of Gatorade at the University of Florida, and the strides the teams were making on the field, Florida State University *also* tried to make their own energy drink for student athletes.

Unfortunately no one wanted to drink the "*Seminole Fluid*"...

it seems Oscar Pistorious jokes still have legs..

Roses are red, Violets are glorious, Don't ever sneak up on Oscar Pistorius.

She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.

Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

Absolutely shocking news from South Africa. White man arrested for murder.

Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.

Surely Oscar Pistorius cant be the first man to wake up legless on Valentines day and shoot all over the missus while imagining she's someone else!

I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.

What do you call a room full of dead people? An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party... or... An Oscar Pistorius St Valentine's Day Massacre

Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name - Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.

A young woman is dead, the life of up‑and‑coming athlete, Oscar Pistorius, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic.

I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his leg over tonight.



Oscar Pistorious' lawyer is trying to claim mistaken identity
Personally I don`t think he has a leg to stand on


And the Oscar goes to ... Prison.

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do candy makers get?

Tic tac toe

Olympics / opening ceremony jokes

Credit where credit's due - I got these from Sickipedia. I'm brand new here but I gather these would be appreciated...

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I certainly enjoyed the opening ceremony which displayed the history of the early 20th century Britain.

I can't wait until the games are held in Germany.

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So in the Olympic Opening Ceremony, British athletes can walk behind a bloke carrying the Union Jack and everyone cheers...

...But when the BNP do it it's frowned upon.

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My mate asked me: "What is the shortest race in the Olympics?"

After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer:

"Chinese," I replied.

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I'm entering the Masturbation Tournament in the Olympics this year.

Very stiff competition though.

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As I watched the woman's football today, my wife proudly quipped, "This just shows you how far the Olympics have come, women excelling at men's sports. What do you think this means?"

I don't think "22 blokes are forced to get a take-away tonight" was the answer she was looking for.

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Well done Danny Boyle. Nothing says "London" better than youths setting fire to stuff.

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7 years the London Olympics have been in the making.

Never has it taken so long for a large number of foreigners to enter the country.

North Korea athletes...

North Korea athletes, who fail to win gold medals in this year's Olympic Games, will have a chance to win gold medals in the next Paralympic Games.

Why are there so few Mexican athletes in the Olympics?

Because most of them who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

What professional sport would be more fun to watch if the athletes drank alcohol during?

NASCAR

Wheelchair athletes have just been banned from the Paralympics

They tested positive for WD40

What do French athletes wear?

Jaques straps

Rio is full of liars, cheaters, thieves, and drug abusers.

And that's just the athletes.

Oscar

β€’ Roses are red,

Violets are glorious,

Don't try to surprise

Oscar Pistorius


β€’ She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.

β€’ Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.

β€’ When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

β€’ Absolutely shocking news from South Africa. White man arrested for murder.

β€’ Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.

β€’ I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.

β€’ What do you call a room full of dead people? An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party.

β€’ Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name. Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.

β€’ A young woman is dead, the life of up and coming athlete, Oscar Pistorious, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic.

β€’ I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his leg over tonight.

β€’ Police have found a list of 20 other women that Pistorius planned to kill, they are calling it shinless list.

β€’ And the Oscar goes to....... Prison.

Which country brought the most competitors to the 2018 Winter Olympics?

Brazil. They brought 8 Brazilian athletes.

Professional female athletes are tasty

because they're chick contenders

I've compiled a list of famous athletes who have spent time in prison.

It's a pros and cons list.

What do they call a list of athletes in Jamaica?

A rasta.

How bad was the Rio 2016 Olympic?

None of the North Korean athletes defected.

Why doesn't Cuba have a soccer team?

All their athletes are training for distance swimming.

Why are unvaccinated children such good athletes?

Because they can catch anything

Banned From the Para-Olympics

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.

What impresses me the most about Tour de France athletes is that they can go for five hours

without looking at their cellphones.

why aren't there any Mexican athletes?

Because all the Mexicans who can run, swim or jump are already in the USA.

The Malaysian athletes at the Commonwealth Games are looking very nervous

Must be thinking about the flight home already.

I just read on the news that 10 Paralympics athletes have failed a drugs test

They all tested positive for WD40

Only athletes will understand this

It's a running joke.

Why should you always wash your delicate undergarments separate from your socks?

To prevent yourself from getting athletes crotch !

Why are women athletes so upset about losing to transgender females?

Hormones

It's unfortunate that a lot of female professional athletes are gay.

They have amazing ball skills.

Outside of the athletes village at the Olympics I saw a guy walking with a pole vault..

I asked him " are you a pole vaulter ?"
To which he replied "nein, I am German. How did you know my name vas Vaulter?"

I don't get why pro athletes feel the need to hit women...

...just reply to the next one in your DMs if she isn't acting right.

It was decided that a great banquet would be held to honor Midwestern athletes

The organizers decided to invite twelve of America's finest sportsmen, specifically Cleveland baseball players and Kansas City (American) footballers. Six special chairs were made with the Cleveland logo, and six with the Kansas City. On the night of the banquet, though, there was a problem. Seven KC players showed up, while only five Clevelanders did. Since the special chairs could not be fixed, this was a calamity! The evening's host decided to contact the chief organizer, who could not attend due to a conflict.

"What's the issue?" barked the suit.

Responded his deputy, "We've got too many Chiefs, and not enough Indians."

Which athletes will not get Zika at Rio 2016?

Those on Team Great Britain, because they'll leave.

Russian athletes in Olympics wont compete under their flag

So the tradition continues...

"I'd like to welcome all the athletes to the Olympic Games"

"I'd also like to welcome the curling teams"

If you walk a mile in my shoes ..

you'll probably end up with athletes foot.

Why don't professional athletes ride bikes to warm-up before games?

Because then they'd be two tired

What would you call a worldwide gathering of male athletes who have ED?

The Olympdicks.

Why do athletes run counterclockwise around a track?

Because they use running as a way to *unwind*.

How to make Athletes jokes?

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Joko Jokes