Atheists Jokes

Following is our collection of creationists humor and catholics one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Atheists puns for adults, dirty skeptics jokes or clean exist gags for kids.

There is an abundance of humans jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 50 funniest jokes on atheists. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any piety witze you can hear about atheists.

The Best jokes about Atheists

Where do atheists donate their money?

Non Prophet Organizations

How can you tell someone hates vegans, cross fitters, and atheists?

Don't worry, they'll repost a joke about it.

why dont atheists solve exponential equations ?

they dont believe in higher powers.

So many Christians run non-profit organizations. On the other hand, atheists...

...only run non-prophet organizations.

Why are atheists afraid of exponents?

They don't believe in a higher power.


Why do atheists scream out 'oh my God' during sex?

Because it's unbelievable.

Why do atheists give away all their unnecessary money?

They're a non-prophet organization

Two atheists were lost in a desert.

Two atheists were lost in a desert. They had run out of supplies and were wandering aimlessly.

One morning, they encountered a Muslim. The Muslim asked, "What are your names?"

The first, figuring the Muslim would be more likely to help a fellow Muslim, lied and said, "My name is Mohammed."

The second stayed honest and said, "My name is Dave."

The Muslim gave Dave a hearty breakfast. He turned to "Mohammed" and said, "Fasting is so hard, isn't it?"

What do you call it when a group of atheists come together to help people?

A Non-prophet Charity

Checkmate atheists

If god doesn't exist, explain how my girlfriend is pregnant when we've never had sex. Checkmate atheists.

Why are atheists poor?

because its a non-prophet organisation.


A temple for atheists...

Is a "nonprophet" organisation.

Why should atheists be exempted from tax?

Because atheism is a non-prophet organisation!

Five atheists are driving in a car

Five atheists are driving in a car when they pass a church. Two priests are tending the lawns outside the church.

A sign outside the church says "Beware! The End is Near! Turn yourself around Right Now before it's too late!"

The atheists shout at the priests "Leave us alone you miserable religious fanatics!" and speed away!

Suddenly there is the sound of screeching breaks and a splash!

One priest turns to the other and says "Do you think the sign should simply read 'Bridge out'?"

A pick up line for atheists

Did you fall from heaven?

Because your unbelievable.

How many atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

*Two. One screws in the light bulb and the other records the events to prove God didn't do it.*

Why are all atheists bad at math?

The don't believe in higher powers

How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. The atheist actually changes the light bulb, rather than praying that it will be done.

How many Atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to actually do it, the other to film it so fundamentalists won't claim that God did it.


About 2/3 of the Atheists I know were raised catholic, and I can't help but wonder...

Was the sex really that bad?

Why are so many computer scientists atheists?

Because praying for a bug fix is guaranteed to fail.

I just heard that atheists are trying to get tax exempt status.

They are a non-prophet organisation.

What would call an organization formed by atheists

A non-prophet organization

Why can't atheists solve quadratic equations?

They don't believe in higher powers.

What's the difference between Western and Middle -Eastern atheists?

Western atheists have heads.

Why don't atheists pay taxes?

Because they belong to a non-prophet organization.

Hey, Jesus!

Angel: Hey, Jesus! Some atheists are waiting for you at the gates of heaven!

Jesus: Tell them I'm not here

God, the Atheists are coming!

God: "Tell them I'm not around!"

I heard that Atheists think God is cool...

They say he's unreal.

What do atheists say to God?

You're unbelievable!

Ten Science Jokes for Nerds

* I'm reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

* I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.

* Why can't atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don't believe in higher powers.

* Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

* Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.

* A group of protesters in front of a physics lab:

What do we want? .

Time travel

When do we want it? .

Irrelevant.

* What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!

* A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies For you, no charge .

* Two atoms are walking along. One of them says:

Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm positive.

* An optimist sees a glass half full. A pessimist sees it half empty. An engineer sees it twice as large as it needs to be.

Why aren't any atheists buying a PS4 Pro?

They don't believe in higher power.

Why shouldn't atheists pay taxes?

They are not for prophets

Why are atheists so light?

The have no mass.

If Christians read the bible to strengthen their beliefs, what should atheists read to strengthen theirs?

The same.

Two atheists are out hiking in the woods,

and they come upon some hungry bears. The pack of bears start chasing them, and corner them near a cliff. One of the atheists calls out, "Jesus, please help us." Jesus appears, pauses time, and asks whether the two atheists are willing to be proper Christians and follow all the commandments. The atheists think about it, but don't really want to ... one winks to his friend, and asks if instead Jesus can make the bears be Christians. Jesus answers in the affirmative and allows time to resume. The bears then bow their heads, and say "Bless us Oh Lord, and these Thy gifts which we are about to receive from Thy bounty ..."

Atheists definition

People who be leavin' God.

A Recent Study Found That...

...Christian women tend to become atheists after marriage. I don't find that surprising. After marriage, a woman does lose faith in a man's ability to come a second time.

Do you know why God created atheists?

Haha. Good one.

What did god say when asked about atheists?

They are good people, they're just playing hard to get ...

What do atheists and all my ex girlfriends have in common?

No expectation of a coming of any kind

How many Atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won't claim that god did it.
Why did the atheist cross the road? He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn't believe it until he tested his hypothesis.
Atheist: What's this fly doing in my soup? Waiter: Praying. Atheist: Very funny. I can't eat this. Take it back. Waiter: You see? The fly's prayers were answered.
Anyone else have funny jokes about Atheist? Random Fact: An Atheist "Invented" the light bulb. Also I found this jokes online.

Both Christians and Atheists can be dicks, you know

but Jews and Muslims can only be half-dicks.

Why does God love atheists?

Because they don't bother Him with incessant prayer.

What is so ironic about Atheists?

A: they're always talking about God.

What can both Christians and Atheists agree on about Jesus?

Kanye's not him.

What can religious people and atheists agree on?

Gingers don't have souls.

'Mexican' isn't a religion...

So why do atheists keep telling me Jesus doesn't exist? I know several of them.

A vegan, a few crossfitters and a bunch of atheists are coming over for Easter

There's no joke, I just thought you all should know

My co-workers must be atheists because they hate when I greet them "Merry Christmas!"

It doesn't seem to matter whether I greet them from over or under the bathroom stall.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes