Atheist Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

So my Irish friend decided to tell his community he's an atheist...

One man in the crowd then yelled "Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"

(Wow this exploded. Front... *wow*. Gotta say, I like the (current) top comment's version more.)

What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common?

Jesus can make them both wine.

An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfitter walk into a bar

I know because they told me.

Where do atheists donate their money?

Non Prophet Organizations

How would a Muslim describe Castro's gay, atheist lover?

In Fidel.

My girlfriend treats me like a god

Now if I can only get her to stop being an atheist.

A little girl was drawing a picture of Jonah inside the whale in class...

Her teacher asked her "What's that?"

"It's Jonah inside the belly of the whale from the Bible." She replied

The teacher, an atheist, told her "You know that didn't really happen."

She kept drawing "When I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah."

"What if he's not in heaven? The teacher admonished.

The girl, still drawing "Then you ask him"

An atheist, vegan, and crossfitter walk into a bar

I don't know what happened because I left

What do you call an atheist business?

A non-prophet organization.

so my Irish friend told his town he was an atheist......

One man in the crowd then yelled "Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"

Why did the Atheist fail algebra?

He didn't believe in higher powers.

Why are atheists afraid of exponents?

They don't believe in a higher power.

An Atheist...

Walks up to the Pearly Gates. God says, "I will let you in if you can make me laugh."

The Atheist asks, "who is the greatest Jewish baker of all time? Hitler. He made over 60,000 Jews toast."

God looks at him and says, "A holocaust joke? That is not really funny."

The atheist replied, "Eh, I guess you should have been there."

Thank god I'm an atheist

Wait...

What do you call an atheist charity?

A non-prophet organization

[Religion]A man sees a boy with a box of kittens

The man goes over and says "Oh what cute kittens!" The boy replies "Yes they are Christian kittens". About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. Once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!" The boy replies "Yes, they are atheist kittens" The man asks "wait, weren't they christian before?" The boy looks at the man and says "Yeah but they have their eyes open now.

Why do atheists scream out 'oh my God' during sex?

Because it's unbelievable.

What did God become when he lost his confidence?

An atheist, because he stopped believing in himself.

Proof of God

Every atheist becomes a theist if you give them a little space

The Pope and an atheist are having an argument

After a few hours the pope turns to the atheist and says "You are like a man who is blindfolded, in a dark room who is looking for a black cat that isn't there."
"Well" replies the atheist "we are not so dissimilar then. As you are also like a man who is blindfolded, in a dark room who is looking for a black cat that isn't there but the only difference is you say you have found it."

My girlfriend is so busted

she claims to be an atheist but yesterday I got home from work early and she was screaming "OH GOD! YES! YOU'RE SO GOOD!". So I sat smugly on the couch until she came out with my friend Steve. Then I was like "busted! you're not an atheist at all. I don't know what you did Steve but you are a legend"

Two atheists were lost in a desert.

Two atheists were lost in a desert. They had run out of supplies and were wandering aimlessly.

One morning, they encountered a Muslim. The Muslim asked, "What are your names?"

The first, figuring the Muslim would be more likely to help a fellow Muslim, lied and said, "My name is Mohammed."

The second stayed honest and said, "My name is Dave."

The Muslim gave Dave a hearty breakfast. He turned to "Mohammed" and said, "Fasting is so hard, isn't it?"

How can you tell the difference between a theist and an atheist?

Ask them to read GODISNOWHERE

Most of the year I'm an atheist but I typically start to believe during the holidays.

I guess you could say I'm **Eggnog**stic. ^I'll ^^show ^^^myself ^^^^out

What do you call an atheist charity?

A non-prophet organisation.

What do you get if you cross an insomniac with an atheist and a dyslexic?

Someone who stays up all night, wondering if there is a file after death.

Why are atheists poor?

because its a non-prophet organisation.

(Stolen Joke) An atheist and christian are sitting in a bar

The christian asks, "So how come you don't embrace Jesus?"
The atheist says, "You've got it wrong. I love Jesus!"
He goes on, "It's his fan club I can't stand!"

An Atheist was in the woods and a bear came after him,

He got so scared, he looked up to heaven and yelled "OH MY GOD! Help me!"

And a voice from Heaven came down and asked, "Does that mean you want to be a Christian?"

The Atheist thinks a little bit and says, "No, make the bear a Christian."

The bear, almost ready to attack, then a miracle happened. The bear's paws came together in prayer form, looked up to Heaven and said, "Bless this food which I'm about to eat."

-Frank De Lima

So this atheist explorer is in trouble...

...with a tribe of savage cannibals. He's cornered with no possible way out when he exclaims in his desperation 'God, I'm screwed!'

Suddenly the clouds part and a booming voice says 'No son, you are not. Take that rock near your right foot and throw it at that old cannibal with the large headdress!'

The explorer obeys, and the chief of the tribe lies dead on the ground.

The voice says 'NOW you're screwed!'

I was walking across a bridge...

and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

I said, "Well there's so much to live for."

"Like what?"

"Well, are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Baptist or Episcopalian!"

"Baptist."

"Me too! Are you Baptist Church or God or Reformed Baptist Church of God"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1893 or Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917."

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" as I pushed him off the bridge.

An American walks into an Irish pub

An Irishman yells, "Oi, Yank! Are you Catholic or are you Protestant?"

"Err... I'm atheist," the tourist says awkwardly.

"Ahh, but which one don't you believe in?"

This is My "classic" joke

A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Oh Goddammit, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!" So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in. The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!" The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?" The bartender says, "Yeah.." The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?" The bartender says, "It's across the road."

Did you know the guy who invented autocorrect is an atheist?

He's going to he'll

An atheist, a vegan, and a cross fit enthusiast walk into a bar.

And everyone knows because he won't shut up about it.

An old friend told me this...

Three middle aged jewish men are sitting around one afternoon. The first one says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did. He came back as an atheist!" The second man says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did. He married a Christian!" The third man without missing a beat says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did, he converted to Christianity!" All of a sudden they hear the voice of God and He says, "Oy, that's nothing! I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did..."

Heresy

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
~Emo Philips

A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdained, points to a sign clearly labelled: **NO JOKES SERVED HERE**

Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.

The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.

Wiping the inside of a glass, the bartender approached and asks the chicken Are you part of this joke?

Yeah. the chicken replies.

Again, he points to the sign: **NO JOKES SERVED HERE**

The chicks argues Well then how's a chicken supposed to get his beak wet?

The bartender pointed out the window and said There's another bar across the road.

What does a dyslexic atheist with insomnia do?

Stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

An atheist in the forest...

stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen"

A rabbi, a priest, and an atheist walk into a bar.

The bartender sees them and says, "What is this, a joke?!"

What's a dilemma for an atheist vegan?

What will they tell you about first??

An atheist walks into a bar that's full, and someone gets up and offers him a space. Why doesn't he take it?

Because then he'd be a theist.

Five atheists are driving in a car

Five atheists are driving in a car when they pass a church. Two priests are tending the lawns outside the church.

A sign outside the church says "Beware! The End is Near! Turn yourself around Right Now before it's too late!"

The atheists shout at the priests "Leave us alone you miserable religious fanatics!" and speed away!

Suddenly there is the sound of screeching breaks and a splash!

One priest turns to the other and says "Do you think the sign should simply read 'Bridge out'?"

An atheist is deep sea fishing.

An atheist is out on the Atlantic ocean deep sea fishing when his boat is attacked by the Kraken. Huge tentacles wrap around the boat and begin to rip it in two. He looks over the boat straight into the jaws of the beast and screams "Oh God! Help!"

Time freezes. A ray of light shines down on him and he hears a deep voice say "I thought you didn't believe I was real."

"Come on, God, cut me a break!" the man responds. "A few seconds ago, I didn't believe the Kraken was real either!"

An atheist is walking through the woods

and he is suddenly set upon by a bear. He falls to the ground, and in his panic, calls out "Oh God, help!"

And suddenly time freezes, and a light shines upon him, and a voice calls out from on high: "**YES?**"

The atheist is a might surprised but manages to respond: "Well God, I never really believed in you, and it feels dishonest to ask for your help now, but could you do me a favor, and make the bear religious?"

"**YES, I COULD DO THAT**"

And there is a flash of light, and when the Atheist's vision clears, he see the bear kneeling over him, its paws clasped together.

"What are you doing?" asks the atheist.

"Praying over my dinner."

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing

when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, Oh, my God! Please help me!

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, I thought you didn't believe in Me!

Come on God, give me a break!! the man pleaded. Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the LochNess monster either!

(Credit. The Joke Cafe)

I'm dyslexic, atheist & insomniac

I stayed up all night wondering if there really is a doG

A vegan, atheist and crossfittter walk into a bar......

I knew this because they told everyone within two minutes

Which of these two jokes with roughly the same theme is better?

A. A Christian is drowning in the sea. A boat comes up the crew tries to save them, but he says "no, God will save me!" Later another boat comes up and tries to save him again, but he insists that God will save him. Later a third boat comes along. The Christian is wheezing, gasping, almost exhausted, but manages to wheeze out "no, God will save me!" Then he drowns. In Heaven, he asks God why he didn't save him. God says "I sent you three boats!"

B. An atheist is drowning in the sea. Getting desperate, he says to himself "Okay, God, I know I've never believed in you before, but if you save me, I'll not only become a believer, I'll become the best believer. I'll go to church, do my best to never sin. Please save me." Then a boat suddenly appears out of nowhere with a crew getting their life saving equipment ready. The atheist says "Never mind, God: I got this!"

I'm confused. My professor told me Nietzsche was 'an atheist who worshiped at the altar of nihilism'.

Is nothing sacred?

An Atheist, a Vegan and a Vaper walks into a bar...

I only know because they told everyone within two minutes -_-

What does an insomniac, philosopher, atheist, dyslexic do at night?

Lay awake, contemplating the existence of Dog.

If I were God I'd be an atheist...

...because I don't believe in myself

Praying For Nothing?

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:
"Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above:
"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

What do you call an Atheist who loves Indian food?

A NAAN believer.

An atheist, a vegan, and a cross-fitter walked into a bar.

I know because they told everyone within the first two minutes.

What does a dyslexic atheist with insomnia do with their time?

They stay up late at night wondering if there is a Dog.

A man asks an atheist if he had the ability to choose, which fictional character would he be

The atheist replied with " God "

A careless hunter accidentally shot my atheist friend in the side with a shotgun.

The near-death experience made him a holier man.

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith

and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout, "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations that he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD! God, I need food. I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries."

The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "HA...HA. I told you there was no Lord! I bought those groceries, myself! God didn't!"

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, "PRAISE THE LORD! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the Devil pay for them! PRAISE THE LORD!"

How many atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

*Two. One screws in the light bulb and the other records the events to prove God didn't do it.*

Oh science, Oh science, Oh science!!

~ an atheist having sex

An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar...

But they were all silent compared to the person who invested in bitcoin

An atheist walks into a bar...

No one dies and everyone has a good time.

The World's Most Politically Correct Joke

THE WORLD'S MOST POLITICALLY CORRECT JOKE

A Christian, a Jew, a Hindu, a Mormon, a Sikh, a Hare Krishna, a Buddhist, a Pagan, an Atheist, a 3rd wave feminist, a non-binary gender neutral otherkin, a transgender Black Lives Matter activist, a Jehovah's Witness and a Muslim walk into a bar that only serves gluten free, dairy free, eco friendly, carbon neutral, halal, kosher, non GM, fair trade, free range, vegan, recycled water.

Nobody said or did anything and an acceptable time was had by all.

A priest and an atheist are walking down a road. The priest turns to the atheist and says...

You're never going to believe this.

I'm an atheist with a god-complex...

...which explains why all my highschool teachers always said I never believed in myself.

How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. The atheist actually changes the light bulb, rather than praying that it will be done.

What's the difference between a theist extremist and an atheist extremist?

One wants you to think like them, the other just wants you to think.

How many Atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to actually do it, the other to film it so fundamentalists won't claim that God did it.

About 2/3 of the Atheists I know were raised catholic, and I can't help but wonder...

Was the sex really that bad?

What's the difference between an atheist and a theist?

A theist leaves a little space for Jesus.

Christian to an Atheist, "If God isn't real, how do you explain walking on water? Can you walk on water like Jesus?"

Atheist : Yes.
Christian : Show me a video of you walking on water.
Atheist : I don't need to. You just need to have faith that I did.

Talked to an atheist today.

Turns out he's part of a Non-Prophet organization.

A vegan and an atheist walk into a bar...

I know because they told everyone immediately.

An atheist and a vegan walk into a bar...

The only reason I know this is because they both told everybody.

Why can't atheists solve quadratic equations?

They don't believe in higher powers.

An atheist started an organization

It was non-prophet

As an atheist I find tell my maths teacher I shouldn't have to solve exponential factors

because I don't believe in higher powers

A Creationist and Atheist Debate

Creationist: If man evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Atheist: If Adam came from dirt, why is there still dirt?

So a priest walks up to an atheist and says afterlife.

The atheist stares and says I don't get it.

The priest says I know.

I hate being a depressed atheist.

Nothing to live for.

Nothing to die for.

An atheist is fishing in a boat on Loch Ness

When all of a sudden, the Loch Ness Monster comes up and begins thrashing his boat around. The monster tosses him into the air. On his way down he shouts "God, help me!"

Everything stops. He is mere feet from the monster's mouth. Then a loud, booming voice comes from the heavens and asks:

"You have not followed me for your entire life and have discouraged those who did. Why should I help you now?"

The atheist thinks for a moment before saying:

"Look, five minutes ago, I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either."

A young Irish lad goes up to his parents..

"Mum, dad, after much soul-searching, I've decided I'm an atheist" he says.

"Yes yes, that's all fine." says the father. "But are you a Catholic atheist or a Protestant atheist?"

What do you call an atheist in a six foot pine box?

All dressed up, with no place to go.

Why can't atheist solve exponential equations?

Why can't atheist solve exponential equations?

.

.

.

(Well, because they don't believe in higher powers.) ^(4)

Village Atheist

In a small village in the middle of the countryside, there is only one atheist. He sells insurance for a living. But, he grows old and one day gets really sick. On his death bed, he calls for the village priest, who is obviously a very devout catholic.

They talk for an entire day, and during the whole night too. The priest tries very hard to convert the atheist. Nobody is allowed in the room. At dawn, the priest stumbles out sleep-deprived and bleak faced.

The atheist died still an atheist, but the priest is fully insured.

A Rabbi, an atheist, and a Priest walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What?! If this is some sort of joke you have to leave!" So they all walk out.

A few minutes later a chicken walks into the bar. The bartender yells, "Come on! We don't even serve chickens!"

The chicken asks, "Do you know anywhere that does?"

The bartender replies, "Yeah... It's right across the road."

I was an atheist my whole life until I died, went to heaven, and found out God is real

Well I'll be damned.

What are the funniest atheist jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Atheist? Well, here are the best Atheist puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Atheist pick up lines to share with friends.

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