Atheist Jokes
155 atheist jokes and hilarious atheist puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about atheist that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article provides a collection of witty and humourous atheist jokes about God and religion. Learn about atheist Christmas, atheist Easter, and even jokes about Krishna and Paganism. Enjoy the laughs with Godfrey and other religious humorists!
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Funniest Atheist Short Jokes
Short atheist jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The atheist humour may include short atheism jokes also.
- What's the difference between an atheist and an evangelical Christian? The atheist is honest about not following the teachings of Christ.
- Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians. Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.
- One man in the crowd then yelled Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?
- What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's Witness? Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.
- An atheist and a vegan walk into a bar... I only know because they won't shut up about it.
- How can you tell someone hates vegans, cross fitters, and atheists? Don't worry, they'll repost a joke about it.
- A Linux user, a vegan, and an atheist walk into a bar.... I know because they told everybody there
- if Christians read the Bible to get closer to God, what do atheists read to further intensify their non-belief? The Bible.
- A Crossfitter, a Vegan and an Atheist walk into a bar....
I only know because they told *everybody* within two minutes of walking in. - A priest, an atheist, and a rabbit walk into a blood donor tent The rabbit says "I might be a type O"
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Atheist One Liners
Which atheist one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with atheist? I can suggest the ones about christian and religion.
- What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common? Jesus can make them both wine.
- An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfitter walk into a bar I know because they told me.
- Where do atheists donate their money? Non Prophet Organizations
- How would a Muslim describe Castro's gay, atheist lover? In Fidel.
- How do you make an atheist? Raise a Catholic
- My girlfriend treats me like a god Now if I can only get her to stop being an atheist.
- why dont atheists solve exponential equations ? they dont believe in higher powers.
- All of the local atheists decided to organize They became a non-prophet organization
- What do you call an atheist business? A non-prophet organization.
- Why did the Atheist fail algebra? He didn't believe in higher powers.
- Why are atheists afraid of exponents? They don't believe in a higher power.
- Thank god I'm an atheist Wait...
- My boyfriend is an atheist and treats me like a goddess He acts like I don't exist.
- Proof of God Every atheist becomes a theist if you give them a little space
- Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist? He doesn't believe in dog.
Christian Atheist Jokes
Here is a list of funny christian atheist jokes and even better christian atheist puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So many Christians run non-profit organizations. On the other hand, atheists... ...only run non-prophet organizations.
- My atheist friend recently came out as transgender and decided to become a Christian. They're a "she" now, but they were a heathen.
- Don't you think it's weird... Don't you think it's weird when Atheists call their kids Christian?
I think a better name would be Godfrey.
I'll see myself out. - There are judges for different religions and they are categorized alphabetically. There's Judge Atheist A, Judge Buddhist B, Judge Christian C and...
Judge Jew D. - What do you get when you cross an atheist and a christian? An argument
- Christians have the first name Christian, Muslims Mohammed, Jews Isaac, what boys name do atheist have? Godfrey
- Isn't it funny when atheists name their child Christian… I would've thought Godfrey would be more fitting
- What do you call atheist Batman? Christian Bale.
- If Christians read the bible to strengthen their beliefs, what should atheists read to strengthen theirs? The same.
- A Muslim, a Christian, and an Atheist all walk into a bar... What a diverse neighborhood.
Openly Atheist Jokes
Here is a list of funny openly atheist jokes and even better openly atheist puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the kittens turn atheist? Coz their eyes opened.
- Final Destination What do you call an open-casket viewing at an atheist's f**...?
All dressed up and nowhere to go.
Atheist Christmas Jokes
Here is a list of funny atheist christmas jokes and even better atheist christmas puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's an atheist's favorite Christmas movie? Coincidence on 34th Street
- What do you call atheists who celebrate Christmas? Eggnogstics.
- My co-workers must be atheists because they hate when I greet them "Merry Christmas!" It doesn't seem to matter whether I greet them from over or under the bathroom stall.
Atheist Easter Jokes
Here is a list of funny atheist easter jokes and even better atheist easter puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A vegan, a few crossfitters and a bunch of atheists are coming over for Easter There's no joke, I just thought you all should know
God Jokes
Here is a list of funny god jokes and even better god puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. Thank god I live in Canada
- I used to be Christian.... Her: I used to be Christian.
Him: It's all right, I don't really care for those sorts of things.
Her; Thank god! It's so much better now that I'm Christine! - Why did God make man before He made woman? Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.
- In the beginning there was nothing. God said "Let there be light!" There was still nothing, but now you could see it.
- C and C++ walk into a bar... After a few hours, C gets sloppy drunk and spills its drink all over C++. Outraged, C++ shouts, "good God C! Have you no class??"
- I asked my wife So, do you think the cup is half full or half empty? And you know what she said? Please for the love of god could you stop wearing my bras!
- If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God... Did Mary have a little lamb?
- As God created this human child, God asked him... "How about an extra chromosome?"
The child replied, "I'd be down for that." - A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified... "See? See what I have to bang when you're not in the mood?"
The sheep says "Myyyyyyyy god. You weren't lying..." - My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?" I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."
Comedy Atheist Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about atheist you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean skeptic jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make atheist pranks.
As an atheist I find tell my maths teacher I shouldn't have to solve exponential factors
because I don't believe in higher powers
A man asks an atheist if he had the ability to choose, which fictional character would he be
The atheist replied with " God "
How many Atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to actually do it, the other to film it so fundamentalists won't claim that God did it.
An old friend told me this...
Three middle aged jewish men are sitting around one afternoon. The first one says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did. He came back as an atheist!" The second man says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did. He married a Christian!" The third man without missing a beat says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did, he converted to Christianity!" All of a sudden they hear the voice of God and He says, "Oy, that's nothing! I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did..."
An Atheist tourist was walking around Belfast ...
An Atheist tourist was walking around Belfast and noticed all the community centre events for either Catholics or Protestants. After checking out yet another board, he asked a staff member:
Atheist: "What do you do in this town if you're an Atheist?"
Staff member: "Well sir, that depends on whether you're a Catholic atheist or a Protestant atheist."
An atheist in the forest...
stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen"
About 2/3 of the Atheists I know were raised catholic, and I can't help but wonder...
Was the s**... really that bad?
An Atheist was in the woods and a bear came after him,
He got so scared, he looked up to heaven and yelled "OH MY GOD! Help me!"
And a voice from Heaven came down and asked, "Does that mean you want to be a Christian?"
The Atheist thinks a little bit and says, "No, make the bear a Christian."
The bear, almost ready to attack, then a miracle happened. The bear's paws came together in prayer form, looked up to Heaven and said, "Bless this food which I'm about to eat."
-Frank De Lima
Heresy
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic s**...!" and pushed him off.
~Emo Philips
So this atheist explorer is in trouble...
...with a tribe of savage cannibals. He's cornered with no possible way out when he exclaims in his desperation 'God, I'm s**...!'
Suddenly the clouds part and a booming voice says 'No son, you are not. Take that rock near your right foot and throw it at that old cannibal with the large headdress!'
The explorer obeys, and the chief of the tribe lies dead on the ground.
The voice says 'NOW you're s**...!'
A man goes hunting...
He is an Atheist. He is in the woods when he trips and drops his rifle down a cliffs edge, and a Bear corners him. Knowing its his last line of life, but un willing to ask for god, he thinks of a witty idea, he says "If there is a god, please make this bear a christian!".The bear stands up and says "Dear lord, thank you for this meal im about to eat".
Hueh.
Why are atheists poor?
because its a non-prophet organisation.
I was walking across a bridge...
and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.
I said, "Well there's so much to live for."
"Like what?"
"Well, are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Baptist or Episcopalian!"
"Baptist."
"Me too! Are you Baptist Church or God or Reformed Baptist Church of God"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1893 or Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917."
To which I said, "Die, heretic s**...!" as I pushed him off the bridge.
Why can't atheists solve quadratic equations?
They don't believe in higher powers.
My girlfriend is so busted
she claims to be an atheist but yesterday I got home from work early and she was screaming "OH GOD! YES! YOU'RE SO GOOD!". So I sat smugly on the couch until she came out with my friend Steve. Then I was like "busted! you're not an atheist at all. I don't know what you did Steve but you are a legend"
An atheist, a vegan, and a cross fit enthusiast walk into a bar.
And everyone knows because he won't shut up about it.
What do you call an atheist in a six foot pine box?
All dressed up, with no place to go.
An Irish mobster approached a man on the street...
He demanded "what are you, protestant or catholic?"
The man said "i'm atheist actually"
The mobster thought for a second and said "protestant atheist or catholic atheist?"
A young Irish lad goes up to his parents..
"Mum, dad, after much soul-searching, I've decided I'm an atheist" he says.
"Yes yes, that's all fine." says the father. "But are you a Catholic atheist or a Protestant atheist?"
I'm an atheist with a god-complex...
...which explains why all my highschool teachers always said I never believed in myself.
(Stolen Joke) An atheist and christian are sitting in a bar
The christian asks, "So how come you don't embrace Jesus?"
The atheist says, "You've got it wrong. I love Jesus!"
He goes on, "It's his fan club I can't stand!"
Why do atheists scream out 'oh my God' during s**...?
Because it's unbelievable.
An Atheist...
Walks up to the Pearly Gates. God says, "I will let you in if you can make me laugh."
The Atheist asks, "who is the greatest Jewish baker of all time? h**.... He made over 60,000 Jews toast."
God looks at him and says, "A holocaust joke? That is not really funny."
The atheist replied, "Eh, I guess you should have been there."
An atheist walks into a bar...
No one dies and everyone has a good time.
What does an insomniac, philosopher, atheist, dyslexic do at night?
Lay awake, contemplating the existence of Dog.
This is My "classic" joke
A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Oh g**..., no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!" So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in. The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!" The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?" The bartender says, "Yeah.." The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?" The bartender says, "It's across the road."
A little girl was drawing a picture of Jonah inside the whale in class...
Her teacher asked her "What's that?"
"It's Jonah inside the belly of the whale from the Bible." She replied
The teacher, an atheist, told her "You know that didn't really happen."
She kept drawing "When I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah."
"What if he's not in heaven? The teacher admonished.
The girl, still drawing "Then you ask him"
I hate being a depressed atheist.
Nothing to live for.
Nothing to die for.
An atheist and a vegan walk into a bar...
The only reason I know this is because they both told everybody.
What do you get if you cross an insomniac with an atheist and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night, wondering if there is a file after death.
Christian to an Atheist, "If God isn't real, how do you explain walking on water? Can you walk on water like Jesus?"
Atheist : Yes.
Christian : Show me a video of you walking on water.
Atheist : I don't need to. You just need to have faith that I did.
So a priest walks up to an atheist and says afterlife.
The atheist stares and says I don't get it.
The priest says I know.
How many atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
*Two. One screws in the light bulb and the other records the events to prove God didn't do it.*
What does a dyslexic atheist with insomnia do?
Stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
What's the difference between a theist extremist and an atheist extremist?
One wants you to think like them, the other just wants you to think.
How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. The atheist actually changes the light bulb, rather than praying that it will be done.
What do you call an atheist charity?
A non-prophet organisation.
An atheist walks into a bar that's full, and someone gets up and offers him a space. Why doesn't he take it?
Because then he'd be a theist.
The Pope and an atheist are having an argument
After a few hours the pope turns to the atheist and says "You are like a man who is blindfolded, in a dark room who is looking for a black cat that isn't there."
"Well" replies the atheist "we are not so dissimilar then. As you are also like a man who is blindfolded, in a dark room who is looking for a black cat that isn't there but the only difference is you say you have found it."
What do you call an Atheist who loves Indian food?
A NAAN believer.
What's a dilemma for an atheist vegan?
What will they tell you about first??
A Creationist and Atheist Debate
Creationist: If man evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Atheist: If Adam came from dirt, why is there still dirt?
Two atheists were lost in a desert.
Two atheists were lost in a desert. They had run out of supplies and were wandering aimlessly.
One morning, they encountered a Muslim. The Muslim asked, "What are your names?"
The first, figuring the Muslim would be more likely to help a fellow Muslim, lied and said, "My name is Mohammed."
The second stayed honest and said, "My name is Dave."
The Muslim gave Dave a hearty breakfast. He turned to "Mohammed" and said, "Fasting is so hard, isn't it?"
An atheist, vegan, and crossfitter walk into a bar
I don't know what happened because I left
I'm confused. My professor told me Nietzsche was 'an atheist who worshiped at the altar of nihilism'.
Is nothing sacred?
Most of the year I'm an atheist but I typically start to believe during the holidays.
I guess you could say I'm **Eggnog**stic. ^I'll ^^show ^^^myself ^^^^out
An American walks into an Irish pub
An Irishman yells, "Oi, y**...! Are you Catholic or are you Protestant?"
"Err... I'm atheist," the tourist says awkwardly.
"Ahh, but which one don't you believe in?"
A careless hunter accidentally shot my atheist friend in the side with a shotgun.
The near-death experience made him a holier man.
[Religion]A man sees a boy with a box of kittens
The man goes over and says "Oh what cute kittens!" The boy replies "Yes they are Christian kittens". About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. Once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!" The boy replies "Yes, they are atheist kittens" The man asks "wait, weren't they christian before?" The boy looks at the man and says "Yeah but they have their eyes open now.
What's the difference between an atheist and a theist?
A theist leaves a little space for Jesus.
A Rabbi, an atheist, and a Priest walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What?! If this is some sort of joke you have to leave!" So they all walk out.
A few minutes later a chicken walks into the bar. The bartender yells, "Come on! We don't even serve chickens!"
The chicken asks, "Do you know anywhere that does?"
The bartender replies, "Yeah... It's right across the road."
An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar...
But they were all silent compared to the person who invested in bitcoin
A vegan, atheist and crossfittter walk into a bar......
I knew this because they told everyone within two minutes
What did God become when he lost his confidence?
An atheist, because he stopped believing in himself.
A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink
The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdained, points to a sign clearly labelled: **NO JOKES SERVED HERE**
Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.
The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.
Wiping the inside of a glass, the bartender approached and asks the chicken Are you part of this joke?
Yeah. the chicken replies.
Again, he points to the sign: **NO JOKES SERVED HERE**
The chicks argues Well then how's a chicken supposed to get his beak wet?
The bartender pointed out the window and said There's another bar across the road.
Talked to an atheist today.
Turns out he's part of a Non-Prophet organization.
If I were God I'd be an atheist...
...because I don't believe in myself
An atheist started an organization
It was non-prophet
A vegan and an atheist walk into a bar...
I know because they told everyone immediately.
Did you know the guy who invented autocorrect is an atheist?
He's going to he'll
A priest and an atheist are walking down a road. The priest turns to the atheist and says...
You're never going to believe this.
Why can't atheist solve exponential equations?
Why can't atheist solve exponential equations?
.
.
.
(Well, because they don't believe in higher powers.) ^(4)
Oh science, Oh science, Oh science!!
~ an atheist having s**...
How can you tell the difference between a theist and an atheist?
Ask them to read GODISNOWHERE
A rabbi, a priest, and an atheist walk into a bar.
The bartender sees them and says, "What is this, a joke?!"
A Vegan, a Cross-fitter, and an Atheist all walk into a bar...
...I only know because none of them can shut up about it.
Why are all atheists bad at math?
The don't believe in higher powers
Why should atheists be exempted from tax?
Because atheism is a non-prophet organisation!
A vegan and an atheist walk into a bar.
How do I know? Because they told everyone.
Why do atheists give away all their unnecessary money?
They're a non-prophet organization
A vegan, a new atheist and an anti-vaxxer walks into a bar...
I know because they told me.