The Best 93 Atheist Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Atheist jokes. There are some atheist faith jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these atheist atheist christmas puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Atheist Jokes and Puns
As an atheist I find tell my maths teacher I shouldn't have to solve exponential factors
because I don't believe in higher powers
A man asks an atheist if he had the ability to choose, which fictional character would he be
The atheist replied with " God "
How many Atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to actually do it, the other to film it so fundamentalists won't claim that God did it.
An old friend told me this...
Three middle aged jewish men are sitting around one afternoon. The first one says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did. He came back as an atheist!" The second man says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did. He married a Christian!" The third man without missing a beat says, "Oy, I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did, he converted to Christianity!" All of a sudden they hear the voice of God and He says, "Oy, that's nothing! I sent my son to Jerusalem and you'll never believe what he did..."
An atheist in the forest...
stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen"
About 2/3 of the Atheists I know were raised catholic, and I can't help but wonder...
Was the sex really that bad?
How would a Muslim describe Castro's gay, atheist lover?
In Fidel.
An Atheist was in the woods and a bear came after him,
He got so scared, he looked up to heaven and yelled "OH MY GOD! Help me!"
And a voice from Heaven came down and asked, "Does that mean you want to be a Christian?"
The Atheist thinks a little bit and says, "No, make the bear a Christian."
The bear, almost ready to attack, then a miracle happened. The bear's paws came together in prayer form, looked up to Heaven and said, "Bless this food which I'm about to eat."
-Frank De Lima
Heresy
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
~Emo Philips
So this atheist explorer is in trouble...
...with a tribe of savage cannibals. He's cornered with no possible way out when he exclaims in his desperation 'God, I'm screwed!'
Suddenly the clouds part and a booming voice says 'No son, you are not. Take that rock near your right foot and throw it at that old cannibal with the large headdress!'
The explorer obeys, and the chief of the tribe lies dead on the ground.
The voice says 'NOW you're screwed!'
Why are atheists poor?
because its a non-prophet organisation.
You can explore atheist godfrey reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean atheist renounce dad jokes. There are also atheist puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I was walking across a bridge...
and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.
I said, "Well there's so much to live for."
"Like what?"
"Well, are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Baptist or Episcopalian!"
"Baptist."
"Me too! Are you Baptist Church or God or Reformed Baptist Church of God"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1893 or Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917."
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" as I pushed him off the bridge.
Where do atheists donate their money?
Non Prophet Organizations
Why can't atheists solve quadratic equations?
They don't believe in higher powers.
My girlfriend is so busted
she claims to be an atheist but yesterday I got home from work early and she was screaming "OH GOD! YES! YOU'RE SO GOOD!". So I sat smugly on the couch until she came out with my friend Steve. Then I was like "busted! you're not an atheist at all. I don't know what you did Steve but you are a legend"
Why did the Atheist fail algebra?
He didn't believe in higher powers.
An atheist, a vegan, and a cross fit enthusiast walk into a bar.
And everyone knows because he won't shut up about it.
One man in the crowd then yelled
Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?
Proof of God
Every atheist becomes a theist if you give them a little space
I'm an atheist with a god-complex...
...which explains why all my highschool teachers always said I never believed in myself.
(Stolen Joke) An atheist and christian are sitting in a bar
The christian asks, "So how come you don't embrace Jesus?"
The atheist says, "You've got it wrong. I love Jesus!"
He goes on, "It's his fan club I can't stand!"
Why do atheists scream out 'oh my God' during sex?
Because it's unbelievable.
An Atheist...
Walks up to the Pearly Gates. God says, "I will let you in if you can make me laugh."
The Atheist asks, "who is the greatest Jewish baker of all time? Hitler. He made over 60,000 Jews toast."
God looks at him and says, "A holocaust joke? That is not really funny."
The atheist replied, "Eh, I guess you should have been there."
An atheist walks into a bar...
No one dies and everyone has a good time.
Why are atheists afraid of exponents?
They don't believe in a higher power.
What does an insomniac, philosopher, atheist, dyslexic do at night?
Lay awake, contemplating the existence of Dog.
This is My "classic" joke
A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Oh Goddammit, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!" So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in. The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!" The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?" The bartender says, "Yeah.." The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?" The bartender says, "It's across the road."
What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common?
Jesus can make them both wine.
My girlfriend treats me like a god
Now if I can only get her to stop being an atheist.
A little girl was drawing a picture of Jonah inside the whale in class...
Her teacher asked her "What's that?"
"It's Jonah inside the belly of the whale from the Bible." She replied
The teacher, an atheist, told her "You know that didn't really happen."
She kept drawing "When I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah."
"What if he's not in heaven? The teacher admonished.
The girl, still drawing "Then you ask him"
I hate being a depressed atheist.
Nothing to live for.
Nothing to die for.
An atheist and a vegan walk into a bar...
The only reason I know this is because they both told everybody.
What do you get if you cross an insomniac with an atheist and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night, wondering if there is a file after death.
Thank god I'm an atheist
Wait...
Christian to an Atheist, "If God isn't real, how do you explain walking on water? Can you walk on water like Jesus?"
Atheist : Yes.
Christian : Show me a video of you walking on water.
Atheist : I don't need to. You just need to have faith that I did.
So a priest walks up to an atheist and says afterlife.
The atheist stares and says I don't get it.
The priest says I know.
How many atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
*Two. One screws in the light bulb and the other records the events to prove God didn't do it.*
What does a dyslexic atheist with insomnia do?
Stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfitter walk into a bar
I know because they told me.
What's the difference between a theist extremist and an atheist extremist?
One wants you to think like them, the other just wants you to think.
How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. The atheist actually changes the light bulb, rather than praying that it will be done.
What do you call an atheist charity?
A non-prophet organisation.
What do you call an atheist business?
A non-prophet organization.
An atheist walks into a bar that's full, and someone gets up and offers him a space. Why doesn't he take it?
Because then he'd be a theist.
The Pope and an atheist are having an argument
After a few hours the pope turns to the atheist and says "You are like a man who is blindfolded, in a dark room who is looking for a black cat that isn't there."
"Well" replies the atheist "we are not so dissimilar then. As you are also like a man who is blindfolded, in a dark room who is looking for a black cat that isn't there but the only difference is you say you have found it."
What do you call an Atheist who loves Indian food?
A NAAN believer.
What's a dilemma for an atheist vegan?
What will they tell you about first??
A Creationist and Atheist Debate
Creationist: If man evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Atheist: If Adam came from dirt, why is there still dirt?
Two atheists were lost in a desert.
Two atheists were lost in a desert. They had run out of supplies and were wandering aimlessly.
One morning, they encountered a Muslim. The Muslim asked, "What are your names?"
The first, figuring the Muslim would be more likely to help a fellow Muslim, lied and said, "My name is Mohammed."
The second stayed honest and said, "My name is Dave."
The Muslim gave Dave a hearty breakfast. He turned to "Mohammed" and said, "Fasting is so hard, isn't it?"
An atheist, vegan, and crossfitter walk into a bar
I don't know what happened because I left
I'm confused. My professor told me Nietzsche was 'an atheist who worshiped at the altar of nihilism'.
Is nothing sacred?
Most of the year I'm an atheist but I typically start to believe during the holidays.
I guess you could say I'm **Eggnog**stic. ^I'll ^^show ^^^myself ^^^^out
An American walks into an Irish pub
An Irishman yells, "Oi, Yank! Are you Catholic or are you Protestant?"
"Err... I'm atheist," the tourist says awkwardly.
"Ahh, but which one don't you believe in?"
A careless hunter accidentally shot my atheist friend in the side with a shotgun.
The near-death experience made him a holier man.
[Religion]A man sees a boy with a box of kittens
The man goes over and says "Oh what cute kittens!" The boy replies "Yes they are Christian kittens". About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. Once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!" The boy replies "Yes, they are atheist kittens" The man asks "wait, weren't they christian before?" The boy looks at the man and says "Yeah but they have their eyes open now.
What's the difference between an atheist and a theist?
A theist leaves a little space for Jesus.
An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar...
But they were all silent compared to the person who invested in bitcoin
A vegan, atheist and crossfittter walk into a bar......
I knew this because they told everyone within two minutes
What did God become when he lost his confidence?
An atheist, because he stopped believing in himself.
A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink
The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdained, points to a sign clearly labelled: **NO JOKES SERVED HERE**
Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.
The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.
Wiping the inside of a glass, the bartender approached and asks the chicken Are you part of this joke?
Yeah. the chicken replies.
Again, he points to the sign: **NO JOKES SERVED HERE**
The chicks argues Well then how's a chicken supposed to get his beak wet?
The bartender pointed out the window and said There's another bar across the road.
Talked to an atheist today.
Turns out he's part of a Non-Prophet organization.
If I were God I'd be an atheist...
...because I don't believe in myself
An atheist started an organization
It was non-prophet
A vegan and an atheist walk into a bar...
I know because they told everyone immediately.
Did you know the guy who invented autocorrect is an atheist?
He's going to he'll
A priest and an atheist are walking down a road. The priest turns to the atheist and says...
You're never going to believe this.
Why can't atheist solve exponential equations?
Why can't atheist solve exponential equations?
.
.
.
(Well, because they don't believe in higher powers.) ^(4)
Oh science, Oh science, Oh science!!
~ an atheist having sex
How can you tell the difference between a theist and an atheist?
Ask them to read GODISNOWHERE
A rabbi, a priest, and an atheist walk into a bar.
The bartender sees them and says, "What is this, a joke?!"
Why are all atheists bad at math?
The don't believe in higher powers
Why should atheists be exempted from tax?
Because atheism is a non-prophet organisation!
Why do atheists give away all their unnecessary money?
They're a non-prophet organization
An atheist is walking along the bank of Loch Ness, suddenly, out of the depths appears Nessie.
She snatched the atheist up in her jaws and threw her head back, throwing thim up in the air. Just before the atheist fell into Nessie's jaws he cries out
"Oh god help me!"
Amazingly, time froze and God appeared next to the atheist. God asked:
"My son, all your life you have forsaken me, why now do you call upon me?"
The atheist responded with: "Give me a break, I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster five minutes ago either!"
A depressed atheist heaves a sigh and tells his friend,
"Sometimes I wish I was god so I didn't exist"
A Linux user, a vegan, and an atheist walk into a bar....
I know because they told everybody there
My atheist friend recently came out as transgender and decided to become a Christian.
They're a "she" now, but they were a heathen.
A priest, an atheist, and a rabbit walk into a blood donor tent
The rabbit says "I might be a type O"
A vegan, an atheist, and a crossfitter walk into a bar. How do you tell which is which?
Don't worry, they'll tell you
A crossfit user, a vegan and an atheist went into a bar...
And we know it because they told us.
An atheist comes into a mall
And there is no parking spot, so he says "God, if you give me parking spot, I will convert myself and become Christian".
Two minutes later he says "Nevermind I found one"
What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's Witness?
Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.
Why are atheists bad at exponents?
Because they don't believe in a higher power.
Did you hear about the atheist mom who drowned her six kids?
She said no one told her to do it.
A priest and an atheist are playing golf.
The priest is okay, but the atheist is shit. He keeps missing his shots. Every time he misses a shot, he says 'Damn, missed!' The priest got more and more agitated at the use of the word 'damn', and eventually snapped. He said, 'Do not use that word or God himself will strike you down!' There's an immediate ruble from the sky, and a bolt of lighting shoots down and vaporizes the priest into ash. A booming voice rings out across the golf course, striking fear into the golfers, and says:
'Damn, missed!'
Every day, a woman stood on her porch and shouted ,"Praise the Lord!"
And every day the atheist next door yelled, "There is no Lord!"
One day she prayed, "Lord, I'm hungry. Please send me groceries."
The next morning she found a big bag of food on the stairs. "Praise the Lord," she shouted.
"Ha! I told you there was no Lord," her neighbour said, jumping from behind a bush.
"I bought those groceries." "Praise the Lord!" the woman said.
"He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them."
What do you call a priest that is secretly an atheist?
An impastor.
Here's a simple way of converting an atheist to a theist.
Just give them a little space.
I'm an atheist but…
If I found out God was real I'd be like No way . And then God would be like Yahweh
Why did the atheist fail his math class?
He didn't believe in a higher power.
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic and an atheist
Someone who doesn't believe in dogs
An atheist and a vegan walk into a bar...
I only know because they won't shut up about it.
Why do atheists struggle with exponents?
They don't believe in a higher power.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the atheist protestant jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
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