Athe Jokes

Following is our collection of find humor and higher one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Athe puns for adults, dirty solve jokes or clean shut gags for kids.

There is an abundance of ance jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 60 funniest jokes on athe. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any church witze you can hear about athe.

The Best jokes about Athe

What is atheism?

A non-prophet organisation.

An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfitter walk into a bar

I know because they told me.

Where do atheists donate their money?

Non Prophet Organizations

An atheist, vegan, and crossfitter walk into a bar

I don't know what happened because I left

Why did the Atheist fail algebra?

He didn't believe in higher powers.

Why are atheists afraid of exponents?

They don't believe in a higher power.

An Atheist...

Walks up to the Pearly Gates. God says, "I will let you in if you can make me laugh."

The Atheist asks, "who is the greatest Jewish baker of all time? Hitler. He made over 60,000 Jews toast."

God looks at him and says, "A holocaust joke? That is not really funny."

The atheist replied, "Eh, I guess you should have been there."

Why do atheists scream out 'oh my God' during sex?

Because it's unbelievable.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.

So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."

"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

Two atheists were lost in a desert.

Two atheists were lost in a desert. They had run out of supplies and were wandering aimlessly.

One morning, they encountered a Muslim. The Muslim asked, "What are your names?"

The first, figuring the Muslim would be more likely to help a fellow Muslim, lied and said, "My name is Mohammed."

The second stayed honest and said, "My name is Dave."

The Muslim gave Dave a hearty breakfast. He turned to "Mohammed" and said, "Fasting is so hard, isn't it?"

Why are atheists poor?

because its a non-prophet organisation.

An Atheist was in the woods and a bear came after him,

He got so scared, he looked up to heaven and yelled "OH MY GOD! Help me!"

And a voice from Heaven came down and asked, "Does that mean you want to be a Christian?"

The Atheist thinks a little bit and says, "No, make the bear a Christian."

The bear, almost ready to attack, then a miracle happened. The bear's paws came together in prayer form, looked up to Heaven and said, "Bless this food which I'm about to eat."

-Frank De Lima

So this atheist explorer is in trouble...

...with a tribe of savage cannibals. He's cornered with no possible way out when he exclaims in his desperation 'God, I'm screwed!'

Suddenly the clouds part and a booming voice says 'No son, you are not. Take that rock near your right foot and throw it at that old cannibal with the large headdress!'

The explorer obeys, and the chief of the tribe lies dead on the ground.

The voice says 'NOW you're screwed!'

An atheist, a vegan, and a cross fit enthusiast walk into a bar.

And everyone knows because he won't shut up about it.

An atheist in the forest...

stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen"

Why should atheists be exempted from tax?

Because atheism is a non-prophet organisation!

An atheist walks into a bar that's full, and someone gets up and offers him a space. Why doesn't he take it?

Because then he'd be a theist.

Five atheists are driving in a car

Five atheists are driving in a car when they pass a church. Two priests are tending the lawns outside the church.

A sign outside the church says "Beware! The End is Near! Turn yourself around Right Now before it's too late!"

The atheists shout at the priests "Leave us alone you miserable religious fanatics!" and speed away!

Suddenly there is the sound of screeching breaks and a splash!

One priest turns to the other and says "Do you think the sign should simply read 'Bridge out'?"

An atheist is deep sea fishing.

An atheist is out on the Atlantic ocean deep sea fishing when his boat is attacked by the Kraken. Huge tentacles wrap around the boat and begin to rip it in two. He looks over the boat straight into the jaws of the beast and screams "Oh God! Help!"

Time freezes. A ray of light shines down on him and he hears a deep voice say "I thought you didn't believe I was real."

"Come on, God, cut me a break!" the man responds. "A few seconds ago, I didn't believe the Kraken was real either!"

An atheist is walking through the woods

and he is suddenly set upon by a bear. He falls to the ground, and in his panic, calls out "Oh God, help!"

And suddenly time freezes, and a light shines upon him, and a voice calls out from on high: "**YES?**"

The atheist is a might surprised but manages to respond: "Well God, I never really believed in you, and it feels dishonest to ask for your help now, but could you do me a favor, and make the bear religious?"


And there is a flash of light, and when the Atheist's vision clears, he see the bear kneeling over him, its paws clasped together.

"What are you doing?" asks the atheist.

"Praying over my dinner."

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing

when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, Oh, my God! Please help me!

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, I thought you didn't believe in Me!

Come on God, give me a break!! the man pleaded. Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the LochNess monster either!

(Credit. The Joke Cafe)

How many atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

*Two. One screws in the light bulb and the other records the events to prove God didn't do it.*

Why are all atheists bad at math?

The don't believe in higher powers

An atheist walks into a bar...

No one dies and everyone has a good time.

An atheist, a crossfitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar...

But they were all silent compared to the person who invested in bitcoin

I'm an atheist with a god-complex...

...which explains why all my highschool teachers always said I never believed in myself.

How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. The atheist actually changes the light bulb, rather than praying that it will be done.

How many Atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to actually do it, the other to film it so fundamentalists won't claim that God did it.

About 2/3 of the Atheists I know were raised catholic, and I can't help but wonder...

Was the sex really that bad?

Why can't atheists solve quadratic equations?

They don't believe in higher powers.

An atheist and a vegan walk into a bar...

The only reason I know this is because they both told everybody.

An atheist started an organization

It was non-prophet

Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin.

One prefers to use its head, while the others relies on tales...

As an atheist I find tell my maths teacher I shouldn't have to solve exponential factors

because I don't believe in higher powers

An atheist is fishing in a boat on Loch Ness

When all of a sudden, the Loch Ness Monster comes up and begins thrashing his boat around. The monster tosses him into the air. On his way down he shouts "God, help me!"

Everything stops. He is mere feet from the monster's mouth. Then a loud, booming voice comes from the heavens and asks:

"You have not followed me for your entire life and have discouraged those who did. Why should I help you now?"

The atheist thinks for a moment before saying:

"Look, five minutes ago, I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either."

Why can't atheist solve exponential equations?

Why can't atheist solve exponential equations?




(Well, because they don't believe in higher powers.) ^(4)

I was an atheist my whole life until I died, went to heaven, and found out God is real

Well I'll be damned.


It's a non-prophet religion.

An Atheist, a Cross-fitter and a Vegan all walked into a bar...

....I knew because they told everyone in the place within the first five-minutes of arriving!

An atheist vegan crossfitter who went to Harvard and doesn't own a TV walks into a bar

He sits down at the bar, orders a beer, turns to the guy next to him...

...and has no idea what to say.

What are the three greatest lies?

a)the check is in the mail
b)small is beatiful
c)I won't come in your mouth

Did you know atheism

Is a non prophet organization

An Atheist, a Vegan and a Crossfitter walk into a bar

I only know that because they told everyone all about it within 2 minutes... and again..and again.

An atheist, a Crossfitter, and a vegan walk into a bar.

I know because they posted it repeatedly on Facebook.

My atheist, mathematician friend insists religion is negative...

Because at it's root, it's imaginary!

An Atheist tourist was walking around Belfast ...

An Atheist tourist was walking around Belfast and noticed all the community centre events for either Catholics or Protestants. After checking out yet another board, he asked a staff member:

Atheist: "What do you do in this town if you're an Atheist?"

Staff member: "Well sir, that depends on whether you're a Catholic atheist or a Protestant atheist."

What do atheists say to God?

You're unbelievable!

What does an atheist yell during sex?

Oh, nothing!

An Atheist, a Feminist, and a Vegan walk into a bar.

I know because they made sure everyone did.

Why aren't any atheists buying a PS4 Pro?

They don't believe in higher power.

Why shouldn't atheists pay taxes?

They are not for prophets

An atheist was...

..walking through the forest, admiring the beauty of nature when suddenly, a feral bear came out of nowhere. He ran away and the bear chased him into a corner. Just before the bear could attack him, the atheist yelled "OH GOD PLEASE HELP ME!!!". Time stopped, the heavens opened and a voice came from heaven. God said "I thought you didn't believe in me?". The atheist replied "I still don't...until you do something for me." God entertained the atheist's request and asked if the atheist wanted to become a believer and be saved. The atheist thought hard about it and asked God to turn the bear into a Christian, since the Christians he knew were not violent people. Then God replied with a "IT IS DONE.", the heavens closed and time resumed. The bear paused in his attack and the atheist let out a sigh of relief. Then the bear knelt down, clasped its paws together and began to say grace.

How does an atheist start their prayers?

To Whom It May Concern

An Atheist Walks Into A Bar...

An Atheist walks into a bar with God, Thor, and Zeus.

The bartender looks at him and says

"Drinking alone again, I see..."

Why are atheists so light?

The have no mass.

Two atheists are out hiking in the woods,

and they come upon some hungry bears. The pack of bears start chasing them, and corner them near a cliff. One of the atheists calls out, "Jesus, please help us." Jesus appears, pauses time, and asks whether the two atheists are willing to be proper Christians and follow all the commandments. The atheists think about it, but don't really want to ... one winks to his friend, and asks if instead Jesus can make the bears be Christians. Jesus answers in the affirmative and allows time to resume. The bears then bow their heads, and say "Bless us Oh Lord, and these Thy gifts which we are about to receive from Thy bounty ..."

An atheist, a vegan, and a cross fitter walk into a bar.

The bartender walks to them and ask "what is the joke about?"

Why does Atheist Jesus have low self esteem?

He doesn't believe in himself.

As an atheist, I often wonder : "what would Jesus do ?"

and then I do nothing

What did the atheist fisherman say when asked about his catch?

There is no cod

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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