Asylum Jokes
132 asylum jokes and hilarious asylum puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about asylum that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
- Short Asylum Jokes
- Asylum One Liners
- Insane Asylum Jokes
- Mental Asylum Jokes
- Lunatic Asylum Jokes
- More Asylum Jokes
Funniest Asylum Short Jokes
Short asylum jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The asylum humour may include short prison jokes also.
- Two nuts are sitting next to each other at the asylum. One turns to the other and says, "Why are we all here?" Other nut shrugs his shoulders and replies, "'Cuz we're not all there."
- A guy escaped from the lunatic asylum. He broke into the local laundromat, banged the female assistant and ran off.
Headline in the local newspaper next day read,
"Nut Screws Washer and Bolts . - A man in an insane asylum yells "I am napolean!" the doctor asks him how he knows this, and he says "god told me" then an inmate from another room yells "I did NOT!"
- A lunatic seduced the laundry woman ... A lunatic seduced the laundry woman to get her keys, and promptly escaped from the asylum.
Next day, the headlines read *Nut Screws Washer and Bolts!* - "Doctor, my brother is crazy. He thinks he is a chicken." "Well, why don't you commit him to a mental asylum?"
"I would, but I need the eggs." - I love cheese so much I keep throwing massive blocks of it at people. They admitted me to Emmental asylum.
- Why did the insane asylum stop accepting homosexual patients? They only had straight jackets.
- What's the difference between a church and an insane asylum? A church is where you go to talk to god.
An asylum is where you go if he replies. - A man walks into an asylum wearing cellophane, a doctor tells him, "I can clearly see your nuts."
- They say: Dance like there's nobody watching, sing like there's nobody listening. But non of them are there to vouch for you when you end up in an insane asylum.
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Asylum One Liners
Which asylum one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with asylum? I can suggest the ones about refuge and mental hospital.
- What do you call the trail to the insane asylum? A psychopath
- What do an insane asylum guard and a pornstar have in common? They both bust nuts
- Why are trains always put in insane asylums? Because they have loco-motives
- Why was the daydreaming horse put in an asylum? He was mentally unstabled
- What do you need to perform a fair test in a mental asylum? A control freak.
- Assorted nuts... ...was the name of the insane asylum.
- What do you call a white person in an insane asylum? A Nutcracker
- Why shouldn't you get asylum in Russia? Cuz you'd be snowed-in
- An employee at the insane asylum caught a patient trying to escape... ...He busted a nut.
- Turns out the Joker has a criminally-insane dog. He's locked up in Barkham Asylum.
- I used to work as a waiter at an insane asylum... Serving soup to nuts.
- Why do squirrels like asylums? Because of all the nuts!
- I feel sorry for Asylum Seekers... They're all in the same boat.
- Why did the vampire get sent to the insane asylum? For being batty.
- Where did the identical twins go after they went crazy? The insame asylum
Insane Asylum Jokes
Here is a list of funny insane asylum jokes and even better insane asylum puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did my father say as we took him to the insane asylum? I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed
- Did you hear about the soup chef that was admitted to the insane asylum? He went stir crazy.
- What did they say about the man who sent the office chair to the insane asylum? He committed deceit
- Why was the squirrel admitted into the insane asylum? Cause he was nuts.
- What do you call a unsegregated insane asylum? Mixed nuts.
- So my friend with benefits got sent to an insane asylum... She always was a nutcase.
- Man escapes from insane asylum, and has s**... with a girl in a laundry mat. The newspaper the next day reads:
"Nut screws washers and bolts." - Why did the Spanish train driver c**... into an insane asylum? Nobody is sure, but the doctors said they saw a loco motive
- What happened to the man who sent a group of crows to the insane asylum? He went to jail because he commit a m**....
- A judge was arrested after ordering a group of crows confined to an insane asylum. What for? Committing a m**....
Mental Asylum Jokes
Here is a list of funny mental asylum jokes and even better mental asylum puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- In a mental asylum Patient 1: "Doctor, I am a messenger of god!"
Patient next door: "Liar! I haven't send you anywhere!" - Social media is like waking up in a mental asylum. You have no idea you're committed until you try to leave.
- In Germany it's common for mentally ill patients to be committed to least ten different facilities. They're in-zehn asylums.
- What do you call a midget in a Mental Asylum? I don't really know, but it sounds a little crazy
- What's the difference between a 1950s mental asylum and my fridge? One's filled with fruits and vegetables, the other's my fridge.
- I recently fell for a girl at Shady Oaks Asylum for the Mentally unsound. I'm now in a committed relationship.
God that was bad wasn't it... - Why did the bean get released from the mental asylum? It wasn't a nut.
- A double amputee has escaped from the mental asylum I wouldn't worry too much, he's armless.
- Are you a mental asylum? Because I'm CRAZY to be inside of you.
Made it myself. I swear - What snacks are served at mental asylums? Nuts.
Lunatic Asylum Jokes
Here is a list of funny lunatic asylum jokes and even better lunatic asylum puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Lunatic escapes from an asylum, goes to a launderette where he rapes three women before running off into the woods. Next morning's newspaper headlines read.... # **NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**
Hilarious Fun Asylum Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about asylum you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jail jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make asylum pranks.
Did you hear about the guy who escaped from a lunatic asylum, r**... a bunch of old women in a laundrette then ran away?
The newspaper headlines the next day read:
#**NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**#
A new doctor was going on rounds at the asylum...
A new doctor was going on rounds at the asylum. He talks to one man and asked him, "Who are you?".
The patient replied,"I, sir, am Napoleon".
"How do you know you are Napoleon," asks the Doctor.
"God told me," and a voice from the next bed shouted out "I did not!"
So a man escaped from a mental asylum.....
So a man escaped from a mental asylum and the first thing he did was head for the local town. In the town he found a laundrette and so he went inside and r**... the workers there.
The next day's newspaper headline was " Nut bolts ,screws washers"
A man sitting on a bench...
is watching two of his fellow asylum patients playing cricket. The batsman has no bat and the bowler has no ball. The man on the bench looks very upset at the two "playing" cricket. A nurse walks up to him and asks, "What's wrong, sir? Do you want to play cricket with the others?" The man replies, "NO! But you will see who is mad and who is crazy in here if that ball hits me!"
Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
A pedestrian is walking past an insane asylum, and in the distance hears a bunch of the asylum inmates inside screaming at the top of their lungs, Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Intrigued, the pedestrian peeks through a hole in the fence to see what all the commotion is about, and, suddenly, a finger pops out jabbing him right in the eye.
He screams in pain, and the inmates all start gleefully shouting, Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!
Why are there no g**... in a mental asylum?
Because they can't wear a strait-jacket.
Asylum
A reporter is looking for a new story and thought an asylum for the insane would make a nice story. There, his first question is how they know who is sane and who's insane. "Well," the woman working there replied "We give everyone a teaspoon, a tablespoon and a bucket. Then we lead them to the bathroom and ask them to empty the bathtub as fast as they can". "Obviously, the sane people would use the bucket" the reporter says.
"No, the sane people would use the plug..."
After being granted asylum in the Antarctica...
I guess you could call him, Edward snowed-in.
A mental patient escapes from an asylum, goes into a laundrette and rapes a bunch of women. The police arrive and he escapes. Newspaper headline the next day reads....
.
---
### NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS
---
.
A man is walking on a sidewalk past...
An insane asylum. He hears voices on the inside chanting "thirteen,thirteen, thirteen".
He is curious why they are chanting that. He looks around and finds a hole that allows himself to look inside the fence. As he puts his eye on the hole a stick jabs him in the eye. And the chant changes to "fourteen, fourteen, fourteen".
My dad tells this joke all the time.
An inmate from a mental asylum escaped and started r**... people.
The next day headlines read : Nut bolts and screws.
Late one night at the insane asylum one patient shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
A person in another room said, "How do you know?" The first patient said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted,
"I did not!"
A man is strolling past an insane asylum when..
When he hears a loud chanting.
Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! goes the noise form within the mental hospital's wards.
The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in.
Instantly, something jabs him in the eye.
As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues: Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!
Walking past a lunatic asylum
Walking past a lunatic asylum , and I could hear the inmates shouting 13, 13, 13, 13, curiosity got the better of me but the walls were too tall to see over .all the time they kept on shouting 13, 13, 13, finally I found a hole in the wall so I took a peep and some fool poked me in the eye with a stick and then they started shouting 14, 14, 14, 14,
A guy walks by an insane asylum...
A guy is walking next to the fence of an insane asylum. The wall was very tall and made of wood. As he walks by, he hears inside the fence "11, 11, 11!" Wondering what it is, he notices a small hole on the fence. He presses his eye on it. Then POKE! Someone pokes his eye. Then he hears "12, 12, 12,!" And he walks away.
A doctor checks on two roommates in an insane asylum...
He walks into their room to find one man hanging upside down from the ceiling fan by his feet. The other man sits below him, putting together wooden blocks.
The doctor asks, "How are you two doing?"
The man on the floor says, "Oh, I'm building a castle. Don't mind that guy up there, he's okay but a little crazy, thinks he's a lightbulb."
"Well, let's get him down before he hurts himself."
The sitting man stares back in shock. "And work in the *dark*?!"
What do you call someone on the borderline of being diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder?
An asylum seeker.
Inmates Running the Asylum
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
What does an asylum have in common with a squirrel's house?
They're both used to store nuts.
Why was the silent scream at the asylum?
Because he was an oxyMORON!
A mathematician goes into an insane asylum
He approaches a group of gentleman and asks:
How much is 9 minus 3?
First guy answers: "Potato."
Nope. I'm afraid that is incorrect. Anybody else?
"Tuesday." Replies a second.
Wrong again.
"Six!" Answers a third.
Ah! Very good. Tell me how did you figure that out?
"Simple! I just multiplied Tuesday and Potato and subtracted 83.
Where can Grammar n**... find asylum?
Grammargentina
Q: What do you call a whistleblower from Hawaii seeking political asylum in Russia?
A: Snowed in
A man walks by an insane asylum...
An man walks by an insane asylum and hears the inmates gleefully shouting "21! 21! 21" As he gets closer he sees a hole in the brick wall which he approaches so he can peek in and see what's going on. The inmates poke a stick through the hole, poking him in the eye, and yell "22! 22! 22!"
Insane Asylum
A man was walking down the street next to the Insane Aslyum.
As he was walking he heard voices over the wall chanting 21. Curiosity took over and he found a hole in the wall and looked through it.
When he looked all the sudden a stick poked him in the eye and the people behind the wall started chanting 22.
A police officer walked into a mental asylum and spoked to one of the patients.
"I'd like to thank you for saving that man who almost drowned by that river last night. But unfortunately, he hanged himself this morning."
To which the patient replied
"Oh I know! I hang him up to dry him!"
Polish joke
A nurse is checking up on the patients in a mental asylum. She asks the first patient, "What is 2+2?"
"3,942,304" He answers, disappointing the nurse.
"What is 2+2?" She asks the next patient.
"Thursday." He answers confidently
She sighs and moves on to the next person.
"What is 2+2?"
"4"
"Wow!" she exclaims. "How'd you find that out?"
"I divided 3,942,304 by Thursday."
Curiosity
I walk past a mental Asylum every day and yesterday as I neared I could hear them chanting "Seven..Seven..Seven." This continued as I walked along the wooden fence and I found myself looking for a gap to see what was going on. About 100m down the fence i spotted a hole where the knot had fallen out and hurried towards it. I jammed my eye up to the hole, rather excited to see the ruckus and a finger sprung out and jabbed me in th eye. "Eight..eight..eight."
The asylum patient was exasperated when he was strapped to the chair
He couldn't stand it.
Wait. What's your name?
I recently met a Chinese man and got to know that his name was Kannaswami.
I asked him, "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"
He said -"Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylum Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil r**....
The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked
"What is your name?" He replied "Kannaswami".
Then she looked at me and asked
"What's your name?"
I said, "Sem Ting"
Two crazy people are by the pool in an asylum...
One of them falls in, the other quickly jumps in and saves him.
The doctor later meets the saviour and says "we've assessed your situation and believe you're qualified to leave the asylum based on your rational deeds. However I regret to inform you that the man you saved hung himself in the same night".
The man smiles and confidently says "oh he didn't, I hung him to dry him up!"
Patients in an insane asylum are eating plaster off the walls,
the head doctor calls in the best doctor in the country to try and solve this problem. So the best doctor comes in and inspects the walls. He tells the head doctor to repaint the walls from red to green. The next day after the walls are repainted the head doctor comes in and sees the patients sitting and staring at the walls. "Why aren't you eating the walls now?" the head doctor asks them. "They arn't ripe yet"
Two lunatics planning their escape from the asylum.
A:(Give a task to B) Go see the keeper's position. If he's on the left we flee by the right; If he's on the right we flee by the left.
B: (returns disappointed) impossible to flee!! He's not here.
A man goes to an asylum and asks
How do you admit your patients? The psychiatrist says Well, we fill a bathtub full of water then give them a spoon, a cup and a bucket then we tell them to empty the bathtub . The man replies I see, so the sane person would take the bucket , and the psychiatrist replies No, the sane person will pull the drain plug. Would you like your room to have a balcony sir?
The doctor was showing the visitor around the insane asylum
,and showing him a test to decide whether people should be admitted as patients. "We fill a bathtub with water and we hand the person a teaspoon, a cup, and a pail." "Oh," says the visitor, "So the normal person will use the pail to empty the tub." The doctor replied, "No, actually, a normal person would pull the plug. So, would you like a private room?"
I had an idea for a Writing Prompt where there is an insane asylum full of people who think they are part of a Monty Python skit and quote the lines endlessly.
Someone told me that's called 'college'.
Two people are in an insane asylum.
There are two people in an insane asylum. One day they decide they are going to try and escape. They both go on the the roof and see the city. Over there is freedom one of them says. One of them jumps over to another rooftop and tells the other one to jump over too, but he refuses because he is scared. The one that jumped has a flashlight and says I'll shine it across and you can walk over here. The other one says What do you think I am, crazy? You'll just turn it off when I'm halfway across .
Two guys wearing white coats are talking at a mental asylum
o**... says : "So, you're the patient who thinks he's a doctor ?"
The other guy responds : "Go back to your room !"
There was a really fast runner who was admitted to an asylum.
He did his time and was released as a "rehabilitated man".
The day he was discharged his father came to pick him up.
His father approached him and asked one question :- "So...Usain?"
A man is yelling "People, listen to me! I am the son of Satan!" out of the window of a mental asylum.
Another one sticks his head out and yells:
"Don't listen to him, he's a maniac! I don't have a son!"
A man is walking by a mental asylum...
...when he hears the patients inside shouting 'FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN!'. The asylum yard has a 9 foot tall concrete wall, so he can't see inside, but he notices a small hole in the wall, about waist high. Curious, he approaches the hole and looks through it. A stick suddenly pops out of the hole and jabs him in the eye, and the inmates start shouting 'FIFTEEN! FIFTEEN! FIFTEEN!'
Why was the asylum warden an alcoholic?
Because, as he would say, "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy!"
A man once entered an asylum
The patients kept jumping shouting"we are popcorn! we are popcorn!" Except for o**... who was sitting quietly in a corner so the man thought that he is the only sane person here and asked him "why don't you jump,shout like your mates?" The guy replied "please leave me alone i stuck to the cooking p**..."
A CEO walks into an asylum...
A CEO walks into an asylum. A man at the front desk says, "What do you want?"
The CEO says, "I want to commit somebody. I don't talk to idiots, so take me to your best therapist."
The man at the front desk says, "Well, you certainly don't talk to yourself, so I doubt you're the one you want to commit. Come on in."
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. Well said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. No. said the director, A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?
A man is walking besides the insane asylum
When he hears a commotion coming over the fence. The people inside the asylum are chanting
FIVE, FIVE, FIVE, FIVE...
He notices a small hole on the wall and curiously peeks inside to see what's going on.
Someone pokes him in the eye with a stick. And then he hears chanting
SIX, SIX, SIX...
An patient is heard laughing to himself at night in an asylum
'Why are you laughing?' Asks his neighbour after being woken from his sleep
I just told myself a joke replies the patient, before falling back asleep.
A couple of hours later the patient begins laughing again, even louder than before.
'Why are you laughing now?' Asks the neighbour annoyed after being disturbed from his sleep the second time.
The patient replies I told myself another joke, but I didn't know it this time.
