Asylum Jokes

Following is our collection of deport humor and criminally one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Asylum puns for adults, dirty refugee jokes or clean haven gags for kids.

There is an abundance of fugitive jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 59 funniest jokes on asylum. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any sanctuary witze you can hear about asylum.

The Best jokes about Asylum

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. Well said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. No. said the director, A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?

Late one night at the insane asylum one patient shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

A person in another room said,Β "How do you know?" The first patient said,Β "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted,

"I did not!"

Patients in an insane asylum are eating plaster off the walls,

the head doctor calls in the best doctor in the country to try and solve this problem. So the best doctor comes in and inspects the walls. He tells the head doctor to repaint the walls from red to green. The next day after the walls are repainted the head doctor comes in and sees the patients sitting and staring at the walls. "Why aren't you eating the walls now?" the head doctor asks them. "They arn't ripe yet"

Two crazy people are by the pool in an asylum...

One of them falls in, the other quickly jumps in and saves him.

The doctor later meets the saviour and says "we've assessed your situation and believe you're qualified to leave the asylum based on your rational deeds. However I regret to inform you that the man you saved hung himself in the same night".

The man smiles and confidently says "oh he didn't, I hung him to dry him up!"

A mental patient escapes from an asylum, goes into a laundrette and rapes a bunch of women. The police arrive and he escapes. Newspaper headline the next day reads....

.

---

### NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS

---

.


Man escapes from insane asylum, and has sex with a girl in a laundry mat.

The newspaper the next day reads:

"Nut screws washers and bolts."

Two nuts are sitting next to each other at the asylum. One turns to the other and says, "Why are we all here?"

Other nut shrugs his shoulders and replies, "'Cuz we're not all there."

A mathematician goes into an insane asylum

He approaches a group of gentleman and asks:

How much is 9 minus 3?
First guy answers: "Potato."
Nope. I'm afraid that is incorrect. Anybody else?
"Tuesday." Replies a second.
Wrong again.
"Six!" Answers a third.
Ah! Very good. Tell me how did you figure that out?
"Simple! I just multiplied Tuesday and Potato and subtracted 83.

An inmate from a mental asylum escaped and started raping people.

The next day headlines read : Nut bolts and screws.

A guy escaped from the lunatic asylum.

He broke into the local laundromat, banged the female assistant and ran off.

Headline in the local newspaper next day read,

"Nut Screws Washer and Bolts .

A doctor checks on two roommates in an insane asylum...

He walks into their room to find one man hanging upside down from the ceiling fan by his feet. The other man sits below him, putting together wooden blocks.

The doctor asks, "How are you two doing?"

The man on the floor says, "Oh, I'm building a castle. Don't mind that guy up there, he's okay but a little crazy, thinks he's a lightbulb."

"Well, let's get him down before he hurts himself."

The sitting man stares back in shock. "And work in the *dark*?!"


Walking past a lunatic asylum

Walking past a lunatic asylum , and I could hear the inmates shouting 13, 13, 13, 13, curiosity got the better of me but the walls were too tall to see over .all the time they kept on shouting 13, 13, 13, finally I found a hole in the wall so I took a peep and some fool poked me in the eye with a stick and then they started shouting 14, 14, 14, 14,

A new doctor was going on rounds at the asylum...

A new doctor was going on rounds at the asylum. He talks to one man and asked him, "Who are you?".

The patient replied,"I, sir, am Napoleon".

"How do you know you are Napoleon," asks the Doctor.

"God told me," and a voice from the next bed shouted out "I did not!"

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. " A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or over near the heater?"

A man is yelling "People, listen to me! I am the son of Satan!" out of the window of a mental asylum.

Another one sticks his head out and yells:

"Don't listen to him, he's a maniac! I don't have a son!"

Did you hear about the guy who escaped from a lunatic asylum, raped a bunch of old women in a laundrette then ran away?

The newspaper headlines the next day read:

#**NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**#

Inmates Running the Asylum

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

A guy has a flat just outside of an insane asylum

He knows this and is nervous while changing the tire.

It doesn't help that one of the patients is watching him from the other side of the fence. The guy drops two of the lug nuts and can't find them. Starts to panic.

The patient speaks up: "Just tighten up the remaining two opposite from one another. Should last till you get to a gas station." The guy thinks about this, does so, and straightens up. "Pretty smart....uh, what are doing there ?" The patient replies "I'm here for being crazy, not being dumb."ο»Ώ

A man goes to an asylum and asks

How do you admit your patients? The psychiatrist says Well, we fill a bathtub full of water then give them a spoon, a cup and a bucket then we tell them to empty the bathtub . The man replies I see, so the sane person would take the bucket , and the psychiatrist replies No, the sane person will pull the drain plug. Would you like your room to have a balcony sir?


A man in an insane asylum yells "I am napolean!" the doctor asks him how he knows this, and he says "god told me"

then an inmate from another room yells "I did NOT!"

A new patient arrives to the asylum...

and sees that the others are sitting around on chairs and telling each others numbers.

One of them goes - 65 - big laughter.
Then the next one: - 23 - Even more laughs from the crowd.
He asks the caretaker what's going on. - Oh, they are always telling the same jokes, so they numbered them and now just tell the numbers instead.

The new guy decides to try it and says the first number that comes to his mind - ...213.
Now the patients are laughing frantically, a few almost fall off their chairs. Finally he asks them: - Why are you laughing so hard?

\- We never heard this one before.

The local mental asylum is running out of space

So the asylum director concocted a way to release the least crazy residents back into the population.

He drained the swimming pool and observed which residents went in to swim. Those who jumped into the empty swimming pool were obviously not ready to be discharged.

After about 15 min he noted all the residents except one were "swimming" in the empty pool. The director came up to this gentleman, "Congratulations! You didn't jump in the pool and so are ready to go back home." To which the resident replied, "Of course I wouldn't jump in the pool! Someone needs to be the lifeguard!"

Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

A pedestrian is walking past an insane asylum, and in the distance hears a bunch of the asylum inmates inside screaming at the top of their lungs, Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Intrigued, the pedestrian peeks through a hole in the fence to see what all the commotion is about, and, suddenly, a finger pops out jabbing him right in the eye.

He screams in pain, and the inmates all start gleefully shouting, Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

a guy has a crippling anxiety: he believes himself to be a kernel of corn

he seeks out the help of a therapist, who eventually has the man committed to an asylum. at the asylum, they work with him for months, until finally they have convinced him that he is NOT a kernel of corn, but in fact a man. they sign him out and he walks out the door, but not more than five minutes go by before he comes running back in.


"help! help!" he's screaming, "there's a flock of pigeons in the parking lot - they're going to eat me!"


exasperated, the shrink says to him, "but you have nothing to fear - don't you know you're a man, not a kernel of corn?"


"well of course I know that," he says, "but do the pigeons?"

A man is walking besides the insane asylum

When he hears a commotion coming over the fence. The people inside the asylum are chanting

FIVE, FIVE, FIVE, FIVE...

He notices a small hole on the wall and curiously peeks inside to see what's going on.

Someone pokes him in the eye with a stick. And then he hears chanting

SIX, SIX, SIX...

"61...61...61..."

A man was walking by a tall wall surrounding a hospital, what he thought was an insane asylum. He heard low voices moaning and groaning and saying, "61...61...61..." over and over again. It was odd and unsettling. It was a bit creepy. And he wondered what the heck was going on behind those walls. His pace slowed as the voices got a little louder and more organized...

"61! 61! 61!"

He noticed a small beam of light coming out of a small hole about waist high. It was his chance to see what was happening.

As he bent over and peered into the hole, a stick poked through it and jabbed him right in the eye.

"OUCH!" he shouted, as he fell back on his behind.

The voices then happily started shouting, "62! 62! 62!"

Two guys in a insane asylum...

There are two guys in an insane asylum,one is name John and the other is name Matt. John was going for a swim in the pool and begins to drown and Matt jumps in to save him. Matt gets John out of the water and the orderlies take John back to his room. Later that day the head nurse comes up to Matt and says "that for doing a sane act you have proven that you are a fully functioning human being and you are free to go. But I hate to inform you that your friend John committed suicide". Matt says "oh my god he killed himself he seemed fine when I last saw him". "When's the last time you saw him"? I went to his room and he was still wet so I hung him out to dry.

A lunatic seduced the laundry woman ...

A lunatic seduced the laundry woman to get her keys, and promptly escaped from the asylum.

Next day, the headlines read *Nut Screws Washer and Bolts!*

"Doctor, my brother is crazy. He thinks he is a chicken."

"Well, why don't you commit him to a mental asylum?"

"I would, but I need the eggs."

A man walks by an insane asylum...

An man walks by an insane asylum and hears the inmates gleefully shouting "21! 21! 21" As he gets closer he sees a hole in the brick wall which he approaches so he can peek in and see what's going on. The inmates poke a stick through the hole, poking him in the eye, and yell "22! 22! 22!"

A man is walking on a sidewalk past...

An insane asylum. He hears voices on the inside chanting "thirteen,thirteen, thirteen".
He is curious why they are chanting that. He looks around and finds a hole that allows himself to look inside the fence. As he puts his eye on the hole a stick jabs him in the eye. And the chant changes to "fourteen, fourteen, fourteen".

My dad tells this joke all the time.

We give them a spoon, a cup and a bucket; and then ask ask them to empty the bathtub...

While I was being given a tour of a mental asylum, I asked the psychiatrist, How do you establish whether or not a person should be committed to your institution?

The doctor answered, We have a standard test. We fill up a bathtub with water, then give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket, and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.

I see, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's much bigger than the spoon or the cup.

No, said the doctor, a normal person would pull the drain plug. Would you like a bed near the window?

Asylum

A reporter is looking for a new story and thought an asylum for the insane would make a nice story. There, his first question is how they know who is sane and who's insane. "Well," the woman working there replied "We give everyone a teaspoon, a tablespoon and a bucket. Then we lead them to the bathroom and ask them to empty the bathtub as fast as they can". "Obviously, the sane people would use the bucket" the reporter says.

"No, the sane people would use the plug..."

Curiosity

I walk past a mental Asylum every day and yesterday as I neared I could hear them chanting "Seven..Seven..Seven." This continued as I walked along the wooden fence and I found myself looking for a gap to see what was going on. About 100m down the fence i spotted a hole where the knot had fallen out and hurried towards it. I jammed my eye up to the hole, rather excited to see the ruckus and a finger sprung out and jabbed me in th eye. "Eight..eight..eight."

The Killing Joke

There were two guys locked up in an insane asylum together. One night, they decide that they hate it there, and they want to escape. So, they make it onto the roof top, and just across a narrow gap, they see rooftops of the town, stretching into moonlight, into freedom.

The first guy jumps across right away, without a problem. But the second guy didn't, because he was afraid of falling. So the first guy says "Hey, I have this flashlight with me! I'll shine it between the buildings and you can walk across the beam and join me!"

But then the second guy says "What, do you think I'm fuckin' crazy? You'd just turn the light off when I'm halfway across."

a man was late for a business meeting

so he was already in a rush when he had a flat tire. he pulled over and began changing to his spare. Just as he as about to mount the spare, he accidentally knocked all his lugnuts into a storm drain. so he begins cursing his luck.

It just so happens he pulled over next to an insane asylum where there were patients out on the grounds behind a chain link fence. one of the patients saw the commotion and came to the fence and asked him what was wrong. He explained that he had lost his lugnuts and couldn't mount the spare.

"just take one lugnut off of each of the other three tires. that will at least get you where you need to go, then you can get replacement nuts later." the patient suggested.

"that's actually really brilliant. thank you" the man said.

"yeah, well I'm in here because I'm crazy, not stupid"

The owner of an insane asylum has a problem.

The asylum is getting too overcrowded. He has a talk with one of his employees about how he can eliminate the overcrowding of the building. The employee suggests that he asks all the patients a simple question and if they can answer correctly, they can leave. Hopefully, enough patients will answer correctly so the building isn't as cramped. The question is this:
The employee and the owner will ask the patients what they see when a brick is held in front of them.
The first patient is tested.
"What do you see here?" says the employee as he holds up a brick.
"A car." says the patient.
Unfortunately, he has to stay and get treated.
Another patient is tested.
"What do you see here?" says the employee as he holds up a brick.
"A tree." says the patient.
Unfortunately, this patient also has to stay and get treated.
A third patient is tested.
"What do you see here?" says the employee as he holds up a brick.
"Duh, it's a brick." says the patient.
The owner exclaims, "Excellent! You've passed our test. You are free to go. And here, why don't you take the brick with you as a souvenir?"
"Cool! Thanks!" said the third patient.
As the patient walks from the asylum he looks over his shoulder to check if anyone is there. When he sees no one is there, he looks down at his brick and pets it.
"We did it, Fluffy..."

Two guys in a lunatic asylum

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum… and one night, they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea… He says, 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' but the second guy just shakes his head. He says, 'Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!

How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader?

Tell him that asylum seekers kill pedophiles.

Two men escape an asylum

Two men are in a mental asylum. One day they decide to escape and find there way on the roof. On the roof, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops that stretch away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend did not dare make the leap. His friend was afraid of falling. So then, the first guy got an idea. He says 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' But the second guy just shakes his head. He says 'Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!'

Two Lunatics Escape The Asylum.

there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum and one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' But the second guy just shakes his head. He says 'Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!'

What do an insane asylum guard and a pornstar have in common?

They both bust nuts

Lunatic escapes from an asylum, goes to a launderette where he rapes three women before running off into the woods. Next morning's newspaper headlines read....

# **NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**

There are two lunatics in a mental asylum...

So, there's two lunatics in a lunatic asylum and they're both due to have assessments to be released. They decide to make a pact that the first person who goes in to see the doctor will tell the other one the answers to the questions.

So the first one goes in to see the doctor and the doctor says: "if I took this fork and stuck it in your eye, what would happen?"

The patient says, "I'd be partially blind"

"Good," says the doctor, "what would happen if I stuck this fork into your other eye?"

"I'd be totally blind," says the man.

"Excellent, you're free to go!"

As they pass on the corridor, the patient says to his mate "the first one's partially blind and the second one is totally blind".

"Right," says the doctor, "If I took this knife and chopped off your ear, what would happen?"

"I'd be partially blind," says the lunatic.

"Hmm," says the doctor, but decides to continue: "what would happen if I take this knife and chopped off your other ear?"

"I'd be totally blind," says the lunatic.

Well, by this point, the doctor is very confused and decides to probe further into why this would be.

"Well," says the patient, "my cap would fall over my eyes".

I had an idea for a Writing Prompt where there is an insane asylum full of people who think they are part of a Monty Python skit and quote the lines endlessly.

Someone told me that's called 'college'.

A police officer walked into a mental asylum and spoked to one of the patients.

"I'd like to thank you for saving that man who almost drowned by that river last night. But unfortunately, he hanged himself this morning."

To which the patient replied

"Oh I know! I hang him up to dry him!"

A man walks into an asylum wearing cellophane,

a doctor tells him, "I can clearly see your nuts."

2 guys locked in a lunatic asylum.

See, there were 2 guys locked in a lunatic asylum. One night, they decided to escape. They made it up to the rooftop, across this narrow gap, they see rooftops. Stretching out into freedom.

The first guy, he jumps across no problem. But his friend, nope, afraid of falling. First guy thinks of an idea, he says "hey, i got this flashlight with me, I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings and you can walk across the beam and join me!"

The 2nd guy says, "what do you think i am, crazy? you'll just turn it off when i'm half way across!"


*source, the joker tells batman this joke, batman laughs w/ him for the first time. *

Why did the insane asylum stop accepting homosexual patients?

They only had straight jackets.

Wait. What's your name?

I recently met a Chinese man and got to know that his name was Kannaswami.

I asked him, "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"

He said -"Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylum Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil refugee.
The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked
"What is your name?" He replied "Kannaswami".

Then she looked at me and asked
"What's your name?"

I said, "Sem Ting"

Two men are locked in a cell inside of an insane asylum

The first man says to the second Hey listen, I have a plan to get us out of here.

Really?! Ok go on replies the second man.

The first man says okay well you see I'm going to take this flashlight here, turn it on, and aim it at the window over there and then you hop on the beam of light and walk to the window on it and escape.

The second man gives the first man a dirty look and says You think I'm sooooo stupid dont you....... I know as soon as I get on the beam you're just gonna turn the light off.

It was visitor's day at the insane asylum...

It was visitor's day at the insane asylum and all the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria."


They were singing it beautifully.


But oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.


A visitor listened in wonder to the performance and then approached the conductor.


"I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."


"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.


"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"


"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor...


"They're the Moron Tapanapple Choir."

They say: Dance like there's nobody watching, sing like there's nobody listening.

But non of them are there to vouch for you when you end up in an insane asylum.

Why was the daydreaming horse put in an asylum?

He was mentally unstabled

Two crazy men escape from an asylum, through a roof top.

The first man jumps across to the next rooftop, and tells the other "There's plenty of roof tops. We can go pretty far if we keep jumping through em' like this."

The second one is afraid of falling. "No way man! I don't want to fall and die."

The first one then grabs a flashlight, shines it across the gap between rooftops and says "Here, you can walk across safely now."

The second one then responds, "You think I'm crazy? You'll just turn it off when I'm halfway there!"

So a man escaped from a mental asylum.....

So a man escaped from a mental asylum and the first thing he did was head for the local town. In the town he found a laundrette and so he went inside and raped the workers there.

The next day's newspaper headline was " Nut bolts ,screws washers"

A man is walking by a mental asylum...

...when he hears the patients inside shouting 'FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN!'. The asylum yard has a 9 foot tall concrete wall, so he can't see inside, but he notices a small hole in the wall, about waist high. Curious, he approaches the hole and looks through it. A stick suddenly pops out of the hole and jabs him in the eye, and the inmates start shouting 'FIFTEEN! FIFTEEN! FIFTEEN!'

Social media is like waking up in a mental asylum.

You have no idea you're committed until you try to leave.

Two lunatics planning their escape from the asylum.

A:(Give a task to B) Go see the keeper's position. If he's on the left we flee by the right; If he's on the right we flee by the left.

B: (returns disappointed) impossible to flee!! He's not here.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes