Asylum Jokes
116 asylum jokes and hilarious asylum puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about asylum that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Asylum Short Jokes
Short asylum jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The asylum humour may include short prison jokes also.
- Two nuts are sitting next to each other at the asylum. One turns to the other and says, "Why are we all here?" Other nut shrugs his shoulders and replies, "'Cuz we're not all there."
- A guy escaped from the lunatic asylum. He broke into the local laundromat, banged the female assistant and ran off.
Headline in the local newspaper next day read,
"Nut Screws Washer and Bolts . - "Doctor, my brother is crazy. He thinks he is a chicken." "Well, why don't you commit him to a mental asylum?"
"I would, but I need the eggs." - What's the difference between a church and an insane asylum? A church is where you go to talk to god.
An asylum is where you go if he replies. - They say: Dance like there's nobody watching, sing like there's nobody listening. But non of them are there to vouch for you when you end up in an insane asylum.
- What did my father say as we took him to the insane asylum? I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed
- In a mental asylum Patient 1: "Doctor, I am a messenger of god!"
Patient next door: "Liar! I haven't send you anywhere!" - Social media is like waking up in a mental asylum. You have no idea you're committed until you try to leave.
- In Germany it's common for mentally ill patients to be committed to least ten different facilities. They're in-zehn asylums.
- What do you call a midget in a Mental Asylum? I don't really know, but it sounds a little crazy
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Asylum One Liners
Which asylum one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with asylum? I can suggest the ones about refuge and mental hospital.
- Why are trains always put in insane asylums? Because they have loco-motives
- Why was the daydreaming horse put in an asylum? He was mentally unstabled
- What do you need to perform a fair test in a mental asylum? A control freak.
- Assorted nuts... ...was the name of the insane asylum.
- An employee at the insane asylum caught a patient trying to escape... ...He busted a nut.
- Turns out the Joker has a criminally-insane dog. He's locked up in Barkham Asylum.
- I used to work as a waiter at an insane asylum... Serving soup to nuts.
- Why do squirrels like asylums? Because of all the nuts!
- Why did the vampire get sent to the insane asylum? For being batty.
- Where did the identical twins go after they went crazy? The insame asylum
- Why did the bean get released from the mental asylum? It wasn't a nut.
- Why was the silent scream at the asylum? Because he was an oxyMORON!
- What do you call a crayon in an asylum ? CRAY Z
- Are you a mental asylum? Because I'm CRAZY to be inside of you.
Made it myself. I swear - Why was Santa in the asylum? He lost his SANTAty
Insane Asylum Jokes
Here is a list of funny insane asylum jokes and even better insane asylum puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the soup chef that was admitted to the insane asylum? He went stir crazy.
- What did they say about the man who sent the office chair to the insane asylum? He committed deceit
Mental Asylum Jokes
Here is a list of funny mental asylum jokes and even better mental asylum puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between a 1950s mental asylum and my fridge? One's filled with fruits and vegetables, the other's my fridge.
- I recently fell for a girl at Shady Oaks Asylum for the Mentally unsound. I'm now in a committed relationship.
God that was bad wasn't it... - What snacks are served at mental asylums? Nuts.
Hilarious Fun Asylum Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about asylum you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jail jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make asylum pranks.
Two guys in a lunatic asylum
There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum… and one night, they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea… He says, 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' but the second guy just shakes his head. He says, 'Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!
A man sitting on a bench...
is watching two of his fellow asylum patients playing cricket. The batsman has no bat and the bowler has no ball. The man on the bench looks very upset at the two "playing" cricket. A nurse walks up to him and asks, "What's wrong, sir? Do you want to play cricket with the others?" The man replies, "NO! But you will see who is mad and who is crazy in here if that ball hits me!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into an asylum wearing cellophane,
a doctor tells him, "I can clearly see your nuts."
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. " A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or over near the heater?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are there no g**... in a mental asylum?
Because they can't wear a strait-jacket.
Asylum
A reporter is looking for a new story and thought an asylum for the insane would make a nice story. There, his first question is how they know who is sane and who's insane. "Well," the woman working there replied "We give everyone a teaspoon, a tablespoon and a bucket. Then we lead them to the bathroom and ask them to empty the bathtub as fast as they can". "Obviously, the sane people would use the bucket" the reporter says.
"No, the sane people would use the plug..."
There are two lunatics in a mental asylum...
So, there's two lunatics in a lunatic asylum and they're both due to have assessments to be released. They decide to make a pact that the first person who goes in to see the doctor will tell the other one the answers to the questions.
So the first one goes in to see the doctor and the doctor says: "if I took this fork and stuck it in your eye, what would happen?"
The patient says, "I'd be partially blind"
"Good," says the doctor, "what would happen if I stuck this fork into your other eye?"
"I'd be totally blind," says the man.
"Excellent, you're free to go!"
As they pass on the corridor, the patient says to his mate "the first one's partially blind and the second one is totally blind".
"Right," says the doctor, "If I took this knife and chopped off your ear, what would happen?"
"I'd be partially blind," says the lunatic.
"Hmm," says the doctor, but decides to continue: "what would happen if I take this knife and chopped off your other ear?"
"I'd be totally blind," says the lunatic.
Well, by this point, the doctor is very confused and decides to probe further into why this would be.
"Well," says the patient, "my cap would fall over my eyes".
After being granted asylum in the Antarctica...
I guess you could call him, Edward snowed-in.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mental patient escapes from an asylum, goes into a laundrette and rapes a bunch of women. The police arrive and he escapes. Newspaper headline the next day reads....
.
---
### NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS
---
.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It was visitor's day at the insane asylum...
It was visitor's day at the insane asylum and all the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria."
They were singing it beautifully.
But oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.
A visitor listened in wonder to the performance and then approached the conductor.
"I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."
"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.
"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"
"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor...
"They're the m**... Tapanapple Choir."
What happened to to the orderly who shouted "peanuts" at the asylum?
He drowned.
A man is walking on a sidewalk past...
An insane asylum. He hears voices on the inside chanting "thirteen,thirteen, thirteen".
He is curious why they are chanting that. He looks around and finds a hole that allows himself to look inside the fence. As he puts his eye on the hole a stick jabs him in the eye. And the chant changes to "fourteen, fourteen, fourteen".
My dad tells this joke all the time.
Why did the cheese get sent to the asylum?
Coz 'e-mmental!
There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum
There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum...and one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape. So, like, they get up to the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight. Stretching away to freedom. Now the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend dare not make the leap. You see he's afraid of falling. So then the first guy has an idea. He says "Hey! I have a flashlight with me. I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" But the second guy just shakes his head. He says "What do you think I am? CRAZY? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!"
Late one night at the insane asylum one patient shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
A person in another room said, "How do you know?" The first patient said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted,
"I did not!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So my friend with benefits got sent to an insane asylum...
She always was a nutcase.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What happened to the man who sent a group of crows to the insane asylum?
He went to jail because he commit a m**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I feel sorry for Asylum Seekers...
They're all in the same boat.
Insane asylum
on his short walk from work to home Jared has to pass by a mental institution. Although it is completely blocked off by a brickwall he sometimes hears the patients enjoying their time outside.
One day while passing the asylum Jared heare a slow steady chant from the inmates.
"Four.. four.. four..four..four..four.."
Both suprise and curious Jared starts searching the brick wall for a crack so he can see why they are chanting when by luck he finds a decent sized hole in the wall.
He bends down, closes one eye, leans forward to peer inside, and a finger comes out and pokes him right in his eye!
He falls back in suprise and pain and the inmates start chanting "Five..five..five..five".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Walking past a lunatic asylum
Walking past a lunatic asylum , and I could hear the inmates shouting 13, 13, 13, 13, curiosity got the better of me but the walls were too tall to see over .all the time they kept on shouting 13, 13, 13, finally I found a hole in the wall so I took a peep and some fool poked me in the eye with a stick and then they started shouting 14, 14, 14, 14,
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A double amputee has escaped from the mental asylum
I wouldn't worry too much, he's armless.
"61...61...61..."
A man was walking by a tall wall surrounding a hospital, what he thought was an insane asylum. He heard low voices moaning and groaning and saying, "61...61...61..." over and over again. It was odd and unsettling. It was a bit creepy. And he wondered what the heck was going on behind those walls. His pace slowed as the voices got a little louder and more organized...
"61! 61! 61!"
He noticed a small beam of light coming out of a small hole about waist high. It was his chance to see what was happening.
As he bent over and peered into the hole, a stick poked through it and jabbed him right in the eye.
"OUCH!" he shouted, as he fell back on his behind.
The voices then happily started shouting, "62! 62! 62!"
A doctor checks on two roommates in an insane asylum...
He walks into their room to find one man hanging upside down from the ceiling fan by his feet. The other man sits below him, putting together wooden blocks.
The doctor asks, "How are you two doing?"
The man on the floor says, "Oh, I'm building a castle. Don't mind that guy up there, he's okay but a little crazy, thinks he's a lightbulb."
"Well, let's get him down before he hurts himself."
The sitting man stares back in shock. "And work in the *dark*?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a man was late for a business meeting
so he was already in a rush when he had a flat tire. he pulled over and began changing to his spare. Just as he as about to mount the spare, he accidentally knocked all his lugnuts into a storm drain. so he begins cursing his luck.
It just so happens he pulled over next to an insane asylum where there were patients out on the grounds behind a chain link fence. one of the patients saw the commotion and came to the fence and asked him what was wrong. He explained that he had lost his lugnuts and couldn't mount the spare.
"just take one lugnut off of each of the other three tires. that will at least get you where you need to go, then you can get replacement nuts later." the patient suggested.
"that's actually really brilliant. thank you" the man said.
"yeah, well I'm in here because I'm crazy, not s**..."
What do you call someone on the borderline of being diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder?
An asylum seeker.
Inmates Running the Asylum
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
What does an asylum have in common with a squirrel's house?
They're both used to store nuts.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was North African asylum seekers eyes red after having s**...?
Pepper Spray
A mathematician goes into an insane asylum
He approaches a group of gentleman and asks:
How much is 9 minus 3?
First guy answers: "Potato."
Nope. I'm afraid that is incorrect. Anybody else?
"Tuesday." Replies a second.
Wrong again.
"Six!" Answers a third.
Ah! Very good. Tell me how did you figure that out?
"Simple! I just multiplied Tuesday and Potato and subtracted 83.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Where can Grammar n**... find asylum?
Grammargentina
Q: What do you call a whistleblower from Hawaii seeking political asylum in Russia?
A: Snowed in
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a unsegregated insane asylum?
Mixed nuts.
Insane Asylum
A man was walking down the street next to the Insane Aslyum.
As he was walking he heard voices over the wall chanting 21. Curiosity took over and he found a hole in the wall and looked through it.
When he looked all the sudden a stick poked him in the eye and the people behind the wall started chanting 22.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Killing Joke
There were two guys locked up in an insane asylum together. One night, they decide that they hate it there, and they want to escape. So, they make it onto the roof top, and just across a narrow gap, they see rooftops of the town, stretching into moonlight, into freedom.
The first guy jumps across right away, without a problem. But the second guy didn't, because he was afraid of falling. So the first guy says "Hey, I have this flashlight with me! I'll shine it between the buildings and you can walk across the beam and join me!"
But then the second guy says "What, do you think I'm f**...' crazy? You'd just turn the light off when I'm halfway across."
A guy has a flat just outside of an insane asylum
He knows this and is nervous while changing the tire.
It doesn't help that one of the patients is watching him from the other side of the fence. The guy drops two of the lug nuts and can't find them. Starts to panic.
The patient speaks up: "Just tighten up the remaining two opposite from one another. Should last till you get to a gas station." The guy thinks about this, does so, and straightens up. "Pretty smart....uh, what are doing there ?" The patient replies "I'm here for being crazy, not being dumb."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A judge was arrested after ordering a group of crows confined to an insane asylum. What for?
Committing a m**....
Polish joke
A nurse is checking up on the patients in a mental asylum. She asks the first patient, "What is 2+2?"
"3,942,304" He answers, disappointing the nurse.
"What is 2+2?" She asks the next patient.
"Thursday." He answers confidently
She sighs and moves on to the next person.
"What is 2+2?"
"4"
"Wow!" she exclaims. "How'd you find that out?"
"I divided 3,942,304 by Thursday."
The asylum patient was exasperated when he was strapped to the chair
He couldn't stand it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wait. What's your name?
I recently met a Chinese man and got to know that his name was Kannaswami.
I asked him, "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"
He said -"Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylum Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil r**....
The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked
"What is your name?" He replied "Kannaswami".
Then she looked at me and asked
"What's your name?"
I said, "Sem Ting"
Two crazy people are by the pool in an asylum...
One of them falls in, the other quickly jumps in and saves him.
The doctor later meets the saviour and says "we've assessed your situation and believe you're qualified to leave the asylum based on your rational deeds. However I regret to inform you that the man you saved hung himself in the same night".
The man smiles and confidently says "oh he didn't, I hung him to dry him up!"
Patients in an insane asylum are eating plaster off the walls,
the head doctor calls in the best doctor in the country to try and solve this problem. So the best doctor comes in and inspects the walls. He tells the head doctor to repaint the walls from red to green. The next day after the walls are repainted the head doctor comes in and sees the patients sitting and staring at the walls. "Why aren't you eating the walls now?" the head doctor asks them. "They arn't ripe yet"
Two lunatics planning their escape from the asylum.
A:(Give a task to B) Go see the keeper's position. If he's on the left we flee by the right; If he's on the right we flee by the left.
B: (returns disappointed) impossible to flee!! He's not here.
A man goes to an asylum and asks
How do you admit your patients? The psychiatrist says Well, we fill a bathtub full of water then give them a spoon, a cup and a bucket then we tell them to empty the bathtub . The man replies I see, so the sane person would take the bucket , and the psychiatrist replies No, the sane person will pull the drain plug. Would you like your room to have a balcony sir?
I had an idea for a Writing Prompt where there is an insane asylum full of people who think they are part of a Monty Python skit and quote the lines endlessly.
Someone told me that's called 'college'.
Two people are in an insane asylum.
There are two people in an insane asylum. One day they decide they are going to try and escape. They both go on the the roof and see the city. Over there is freedom one of them says. One of them jumps over to another rooftop and tells the other one to jump over too, but he refuses because he is scared. The one that jumped has a flashlight and says I'll shine it across and you can walk over here. The other one says What do you think I am, crazy? You'll just turn it off when I'm halfway across .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two guys wearing white coats are talking at a mental asylum
o**... says : "So, you're the patient who thinks he's a doctor ?"
The other guy responds : "Go back to your room !"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Theory of Jumping Fleas
A lunatic asylum inmate amused himself by placing the pet flea on his left hand and on the command "Jump, Freddie, jump", the insect would leap to his right hand.
This game helped the poor man to pass away the mindless hours but one day he produced a tiny pair of scissors and proceeded to cut off Freddie the Flea's legs. He then placed his truncated pet on his hand and gave the familiar command but to no avail.
And then raising his voice he shouted "Jump, Freddie, jump!" but still the flea remained in his left hand.
'There you are,' cried the man triumphantly. 'That proves my theory, you cut off their legs they go deaf.'
There was a really fast runner who was admitted to an asylum.
He did his time and was released as a "rehabilitated man".
The day he was discharged his father came to pick him up.
His father approached him and asked one question :- "So...Usain?"
A man is yelling "People, listen to me! I am the son of Satan!" out of the window of a mental asylum.
Another one sticks his head out and yells:
"Don't listen to him, he's a maniac! I don't have a son!"
Why was the asylum warden an alcoholic?
Because, as he would say, "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The inmates of an asylum are playing a game called "ripe mango"
It consists of the inmates climbing a tree in the facility and yelling "ripe mango", before letting go and falling to the ground. The director of the asylum passes by and chuckes and one of the inmates calls him to play.
The director, just to indulge them, climbs the tree but yells "unripe mango!". He didn't want, as expected, to hit the ground. Seeing this one of the inmates says "bring me a stone!!! I'm taking that son of a b**... down! "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do an insane asylum guard and a pornstar have in common?
They both bust nuts
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A CEO walks into an asylum...
A CEO walks into an asylum. A man at the front desk says, "What do you want?"
The CEO says, "I want to commit somebody. I don't talk to idiots, so take me to your best therapist."
The man at the front desk says, "Well, you certainly don't talk to yourself, so I doubt you're the one you want to commit. Come on in."
The Mental Asylum
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the teaspoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug out. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. Well said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. No. said the director, A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men are locked in a cell inside of an insane asylum
The first man says to the second Hey listen, I have a plan to get us out of here.
Really?! Ok go on replies the second man.
The first man says okay well you see I'm going to take this flashlight here, turn it on, and aim it at the window over there and then you hop on the beam of light and walk to the window on it and escape.
The second man gives the first man a dirty look and says You think I'm sooooo s**... dont you....... I know as soon as I get on the beam you're just gonna turn the light off.
Two guys are locked up in a mental asylum together.
One night, they decided they didn't like that anymore, and decided to escape. They make it to the roof, but there's a gap. The first guy jumps across the gap. The other isn't going to do that, because he's afraid of falling So the first guy gets an idea. He says: hey, I've got this flashlight with me. I'll shine it across the gap and you can walk over here . What do you think I am, crazy? , says the other guy, you'd just turn it off when I'm halfway across
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the Spanish train driver c**... into an insane asylum?
Nobody is sure, but the doctors said they saw a loco motive
