Astronauts Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

Why are Astronauts always so calm?

There's no pressure in space.

Why don't ethnic and gender studies majors become astronauts?

Because there's no such thing as safe space.

So two astronauts walk into a club on the moon...

One says to the other, "Let's bounce, this place has no atmosphere"

What do women astronauts and my 14 year old daughter have in common?

"I have nothing to wear!"

Why can't astronauts stay in a long term relationship?

They need space.

What did the astronauts conclude after they found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missile toe.

RIP Neil Armstrong

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

What kind of cell phone reception do astronauts get on the moon?

1/6 G

My 8 year old son came up with this one.

Back during the Apollo moon-missions, NASA astronauts left an American flag on the surface of the moon.

Over the years, unfortunately, the sun's harsh cosmic rays have bleached the flag completely white. So, any future visitors to the moon will no longer be able to find any proof that the *US* went to the moon, since the only flag left is the French flag.

two astronauts are in the ISS cafeteria

astronaut 1: i can't find the milk for my coffee

astronaut 2: in space, no one can. here, use cream

Astronauts release a photo of Hurricane Harvey...

Astronauts released a photo of Hurricane Harvey as seen from the the International Space Station. They sent a short message along with the photograph; "Houston, you have a problem."

Astronauts must be having a blast

Because now they can say:
"Houston YOU have a problem"

Where do astronauts leave their spacecraft?

At parking meteors.

Why do Astronauts go into space?

Because some men just wanna watch the world turn.

Why don't astronauts take anything seriously?

They don't grasp the gravity of the situation...

So there's two astronauts on a rocket...

One says to the other, "Get Ready, it's almost time for launch." To which the other says "Launch?! I haven't even had breakfast yet!"

Where do astronauts go to drink?

The bar.

Why do so many children aspire to be astronauts?

Some men just want to watch the world turn.

The Blonde Astronaut

One day three female astronauts, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, had a few drinks in a bar to celebrate their accomplishments. The brunette said, "We should be proud that we were the first female astronauts to land on the moon." The redhead said, "And we should be proud that we were the first astronauts to walk on Mars." The blonde added, "And we should be proud that someday we'll be the first astronauts to fly to the sun." "Don't be ridiculous," said the brunette. "If we got within a 100-mile radius of the sun, we would burn up and die!" The blonde replied, "I know, that's why we'll go at night, I'm not that stupid!"

Why do astronauts think they are better than others?

Cause they're always looking down on us.

In honor of the 30 year anniversary of the Challenger explosion. What does NASA stand for?

Need Another Seven Astronauts

"Mr. Brezhnev, the Americans just landed on the moon!"

Brezhnev: "If the Americans were the first on the moon, then Russians will be first on the sun!"

Scientist: "But sun is so hot that astronauts will burn alive there!"

Brezhnev: "Are you stupid? We will fly to there in the night!"

What's the difference between an astronaut and a cosmonaut?

Astronauts take it slow, cosmonauts are always rushin'

What kind of gum do astronauts chew?

Hubble Bubble

If athletes get Athlete's Foot, what do astronauts get?

Missle Toe.

Why can't astronauts eat popsicles?

In space, no one can hear the ice cream truck.

What do astronauts use to enhance their performance?

Asteroids

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

mistletoe

I don't believe that the Moon Landing ever happened.

I mean, come on. The Moon is huge; if it had landed, it would've squished all of the astronauts.

I've never liked astronauts,

they think they're above me.

Two astronauts are falling into a black hole while telling jokes.

One turns to the other and says "I'm afraid we're not aware of the gravity of the situation."

TIL: The Polish Space Program planned to be the first country to send a man to the sun.

When asked how they would prevent their astronauts from burning up, space program officials stated "We'll go at night."

Why are there no astronauts on Twitch.tv?

Because in space, no one can hear you stream.

Offensive Challenger Jokes

What does NASA stand for? Need Another Seven Astronauts

What did Christa McAuliffe say before it blew up? "What does this button do?"

Where did Christa McAuliffe spend her vacation? All over Florida.

The Polish Astronauts.

Ya' ever hear the one about the Polish Astronauts?

Yeah, so they decided to go on a mission to the sun. The Americans called them up saying, "Poland! You can't go to the sun! You'll burn alive!"

The Poles responded, "AHA! We go at night!"

Why don't astronauts eat much at breakfast?

So they can be ready for lunch

Dear masturbating astronauts...

In space. No one can hear you cream

You know, they're making the prospective Mars astronauts shave their whole bodies prior to departure. That way, when it's time for blastoff...

they'll baldly go where no man has gone before.

What do astronauts and lesbians have in common?

Both of their breath smells like tang.

How many astronauts have probed Uranus?

Zero... there's too much gas.

THANK YOU ALL AND GOODNIGHT!

Why are there no fat astronauts?

lack of space

What do astronauts put on their toast?

Space Jam.

How do astronauts throw a party?

They planet.

What's the difference between an astronaut and a normal person?

A normal person does spacial geometry while astronauts do geometry in space

Why are Astronauts seen as condescending?

Because all they do is look down at people.

What type of music do astronauts love?

Neptunes!

How do astronauts make a party?

They plan-et.

Two astronauts are floating aimlessly through space when one of them starts giggling uncontrollably.

The other looks at him and says, "Do you understand the gravity of this situation?"

I'm surprised that more people don't become astronauts

The amount of space cadets I come across is startling

Where do astronauts hang out?

In the spacebar.

Why do astronauts always have the best opinions?

Because they always have the greatest perspective

A five year old just made up this joke.

Q: Why do astronauts eat so fast?

A: Because they're on a rocket ship. Duh.

Suicide bombers and Astronauts

When you think about it Suicide bombers and Astronauts are very similar,
They both strap themselves to explosives and hope to end up in a better place.

How do astronauts say they're sorry?

They apollo-gize.

Where do cat astronauts go?

Meowterspace

Space Joke

What did the engineers say to the crew of astronauts after they discovered they didnt install the rockets correctly....


Guys, we really Apollo-gize

Did you hear about the two astronauts who has sex in space?

It was out of this world

What tests do astronauts perform on their equipment?

A sat-alight

To smell good while aboard the ISS, astronauts wear ...

Old Space.

How do astronauts pay for coffee?

With starbucks.

What's the difference between astronauts and people with suicidal tendencies?

Their interpretations of the phrase, "good bye world".

What are the funniest astronauts jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Astronauts? Well, here are the best Astronauts puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Astronauts pick up lines to share with friends.

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