Astronaut Jokes

What are some Astronaut jokes?

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

How can you tell if an astronaut is gay?

You can't. There's no orientation in space.

Why are Astronauts always so calm?

There's no pressure in space.

A woman astronaut..

A woman astronaut calls her base:
-Houston we have a problem.
-What is it?
-Nothing...

I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid,

but my mom told me the sky is the limit.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed a little space

How do you calm down an astronaut?

Give him some space

Overcome with the beauty of the Earth from space, the astronaut removed his helmet

The view was breathtaking

What's a specimen?

An Italian astronaut :-D

If you're an astronaut..

and you don't end every relationship with "I need space" then you're just wasting your time

So two astronauts walk into a club on the moon...

One says to the other, "Let's bounce, this place has no atmosphere"

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?

He needed space.

What do they tell people who flunk out of astronaut academy?

"The sky's the limit for you".

Why can't astronauts stay in a long term relationship?

They need space.

What did the astronauts conclude after they found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

What did the astronaut say to his girlfriend?

I need space.

A father goes to a toy store...

And ask for a barbie for his daughter birthday

"are you looking for anything in special?"

"what do you have?"

"we have nurse Barbie for $40, Barbie Astronaut for $60, divorce Barbie for $300 "

"wait, why is divorce barbie so expensive?"

"Because it comes with kens house, kens car..."

RIP Neil Armstrong

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

DPRK sends astronaut to the sun

Kim Jong Un is sitting in his office. He proudly tells his advisors:

North Korea will be the first country to send people to the sun!

His advisors break out in applause. Meanwhile Donald Trump is watching this live on TV. He calls Kim Jong Un and asks him:

How are you going to send people to the sun? It's too hot!

Kim Jong Un replies by saying to his advisors:

What an idiot! We can send them at night!

His advisors break out in applause. On hearing this Donald Trump says to his advisors:

What an idiot!…

There is no sun at night!

Why is being an astronaut such an easy job?

No pressure.

two astronauts are in the ISS cafeteria

astronaut 1: i can't find the milk for my coffee

astronaut 2: in space, no one can. here, use cream

How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?

You rocket

Astronauts release a photo of Hurricane Harvey...

Astronauts released a photo of Hurricane Harvey as seen from the the International Space Station. They sent a short message along with the photograph; "Houston, you have a problem."

When I was a child, my father would always tell me, "The sky's the limit!"

He was never supportive of my dreams to become an astronaut.

How do you tie your spaceship to the dock?

With an astronaut.

An astronaut and an alien walk into a space bar...

The astronaut doesn't say anything to the alien.

The alien doesn't say anything to the astronaut.

What part of the computer the astronaut likes the most?

A space bar.

Astronauts must be having a blast

Because now they can say:
"Houston YOU have a problem"

The biology teacher asks Johnny if he can describe what a specimen is?

Sure teach, a specimen is an Italian astronaut!

First female Astronaut on the Moon.

Female: "Houston, we have a problem.
H:" What?"
Female:"Never mind"
H: What's the problem?
Female: "Nothing"
H:Please tell us?
Female:"You know what the problem is."

An astronaut was ejected from the ISS naked.

It's OK, though. He felt no pressure.

An astronaut refused to return to Earth to see his girlfriend

he said he needed more space.

Why do Astronauts go into space?

Because some men just wanna watch the world turn.

Where do astronauts leave their spacecraft?

At parking meteors.

How does an astronaut cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

Space monkeys

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space.

As the moment came closer NASA's mission control center announced, This is mission control to Monkey One. Initiate!

At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off.

Two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, This is mission control to Monkey Two. Initiate!

At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks.

Another two hours later mission control announced, This is mission control to the astronaut…

At this the astronaut responded I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything.

I left my girlfriend to become an astronaut.

I told her I just needed space.

Why did the astronaut leave his wife?

He needed some space.

On his way home from work, a man realizes he has forgotten a birthday gift for his daughter...

He stops at Toys R Us and heads straight to the Barbies. Overwhelmed by all of his choices, he approaches a nearby sales associate. She then proceeds to show him their most popular Barbie dolls.

"Well, here we have Astronaut Barbie, Surfer Barbie, and Veterinarian Barbie... but our most popular doll by far is Divorced Barbie."

"Divorced Barbie? What makes her so popular? That seems like an odd choice..." the confused father replies.

The sales associate proceeded "Well, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture, and Ken's best friend."

Travel to Mars

After years of work and billions of dollars, we can send a single astronaut to Mars and back. Jimmy is chosen to go on the mission with zero possibility of communication until he returns 10 years later. With a huge celebration, the shuttle takes off and the wait begins. After 10 years, Jimmy returns. Everyone is ecstatic, scientists, politicians and reporters all ask the same question: "Is there life on Mars?"

"It's a dead, stupid planet" answers Jimmy, shrugging. Everybody is sad, disappointed, accepting defeat.

When he's back at his house, his kid asks again "Dad, is there really no life on Mars?"

"Okay, so all the stores close at 2pm and they don't have whiskey, would you call it a life?"

Why don't astronauts take anything seriously?

They don't grasp the gravity of the situation...

A cosmonaut's sob story

I always knew that I wanted to be as astronaut , even when I was a little boy. However, I knew my father would not be supportive of me because he would always tell me "The sky's the limit!"

A married astronaut couple just got divorced...

It's not that they were bad partners, it's just that they both needed some space.

What do a lonely astronaut and your thumbs have in common?

They both hang out at the Space Bar.

So there's two astronauts on a rocket...

One says to the other, "Get Ready, it's almost time for launch." To which the other says "Launch?! I haven't even had breakfast yet!"

what do you call a mexican on the moon ?

an Astronaut you Racist

Divorced Barbie

One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's
birthday.

He stops at a toy store and goes in and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean?"

"We have, work out Barbie for $19.95, shopping Barbie for $19.95, beach Barbie for $19.95, disco Barbie for $19.95, astronaut Barbie for $19.95, skater Barbie for $19.95, and divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The slightly miffed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

"Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's truck, Ken's house, Ken's fishing boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's dog, Ken's computer, one of Ken's friends, and a key chain made from Ken's testicles."

Where do astronauts go to drink?

The bar.

I asked my Dad what I could be when I'm older and he told me "The sky is the limit".

It really upset me because I've always wanted to be an astronaut.

What's a specimen?

A Spanish astronaut

Mt. Everest has lost its record status ...

... now that a British astronaut is Earth's highest Peake.

Why do astronauts think they are better than others?

Cause they're always looking down on us.

The Blonde Astronaut

One day three female astronauts, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, had a few drinks in a bar to celebrate their accomplishments. The brunette said, "We should be proud that we were the first female astronauts to land on the moon." The redhead said, "And we should be proud that we were the first astronauts to walk on Mars." The blonde added, "And we should be proud that someday we'll be the first astronauts to fly to the sun." "Don't be ridiculous," said the brunette. "If we got within a 100-mile radius of the sun, we would burn up and die!" The blonde replied, "I know, that's why we'll go at night, I'm not that stupid!"

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

Wouldn't it be more fitting if it was asteroids, I mean think about it instead of being a proctologist you would be a astronaut.

Why didn't they let the sex molester become an Astronaut?

They didn't want him getting near Uranus

I think my babe is an astronaut

She said she needs space.

I started dating an astronaut. It happened out of nowhere.

I did not planet.

What's the difference between an astronaut and a cosmonaut?

Astronauts take it slow, cosmonauts are always rushin'

When I was younger my mom used to tell me...

"The sky is the limit."
But that really upset me because I wanted to be an astronaut.

What happened to the astronaut that murder his friend in space?

Nothing.

He was above the law.

When does an astronaut eat his favourite meal?

At launch time.

What do astronauts use to enhance their performance?

Asteroids

Three men are talking about cars.

The first man says, I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn.


The second man says, Well, I'm a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort.


The third man says, I have the both of you beat. I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown probe.

I wanted to be an Astronaut

but my parents told me, "Sky's the limit".

Did you hear about the deaf astronaut?

Neither did he.

Why couldn't the astronaut book a room on the moon?

Because it was full.

Why can't astronauts eat popsicles?

In space, no one can hear the ice cream truck.

What is the easiest way for a stressed astronaut to unwind and decompress?

By opening the door.

I became an astronaut for my girlfriend but she still left me

I guess I misinterpreted her when she said she needed space

What did the astronaut say to the other when he pressed the wrong button?

I apollo-gize.

Why didn't the approaching black hole concern the astronaut?

He didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

Why was the astronaut so sore?

He had a buildup of ga-lactic acid.

When I was young I told my dad I wanted to be an astronaut...

He said, " The sky's the limit."

What did one astronaut say to the other?

Stop mooning me, I can see Uranus.

I've never liked astronauts,

they think they're above me.

Two astronauts are falling into a black hole while telling jokes.

One turns to the other and says "I'm afraid we're not aware of the gravity of the situation."

What does an astronaut say when he's sorry?

All my Apollo-gies.

IT guy wants to be an astronaut

Why did the IT guy want to be an astronaut?

So he can find router space.

Did you hear the one about the astronaut masturbating for ninety minutes in orbit?

He came full circle.

Why is it hard dating an astronaut?

Because they have space issues.

What do you call a drunk astronaut?

A kosmonaut

Why are there no astronauts on Twitch.tv?

Because in space, no one can hear you stream.

Why don't astronauts eat much at breakfast?

So they can be ready for lunch

I always wanted to have an astronaut as a roomate

but I never had enough space

How to make Astronaut jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Astronaut to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Astronaut? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Astronaut pick up lines to share with friends.

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