Astronaut Jokes
152 astronaut jokes and hilarious astronaut puns to laugh out loud. Read professions jokes about astronaut that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Do you love a good joke? Then read on and enjoy a roundup of the best astronaut jokes, including knock-knock, kid-friendly, and love jokes, as well as rocket launch and Mir naut jokes. Laugh out loud and prepare to earn your space humor badge!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Astronaut Short Jokes
Short astronaut jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The astronaut humour may include short astronomer jokes also.
- Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee" Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"
- On my first day at astronaut training, I vomited and asked the instructor, Is this normal? He said, Not during a written exam, no.
- Astronaut found out he won the lottery while he was in space Apparently when he found out he was over the moon
- A woman astronaut.. A woman astronaut calls her base:
-Houston we have a problem.
-What is it?
-Nothing... - Overcome with the beauty of the Earth from space, the astronaut removed his helmet The view was breathtaking
- If you're an astronaut.. and you don't end every relationship with "I need space" then you're just wasting your time
- When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. But my dad crushed those dreams years ago... He'd always say "For you, son, the sky's the limit!"
- Why don't ethnic and gender studies majors become astronauts? Because there's no such thing as safe space.
- So two astronauts walk into a club on the moon... One says to the other, "Let's bounce, this place has no atmosphere"
- What do women astronauts and my 14 year old daughter have in common? "I have nothing to wear!"
Share These Astronaut Jokes With Friends
Astronaut One Liners
Which astronaut one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with astronaut? I can suggest the ones about martian and rocket scientist.
- Why are Astronauts always so calm? There's no pressure in space.
- A Mexican magician works on Microsoft Windows Uno, and *p**...*, DOS is gone without a tres.
- How do astronauts make sure their mission goes smoothly? They planet.
- I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid, but my mom told me the sky is the limit.
- Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space
- How do you calm down an astronaut? Give him some space
- What's a specimen? An Italian astronaut :-D
- My girl left me to become an astronaut. She said she needed some space.
- Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? He needed space.
- If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe.
- Why did the dumpling become an astronaut? It wanted to visit “dumplinets” in space!
- Why is being an astronaut such an easy job? No pressure.
- How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep? You rocket
- How do you tie your spaceship to the dock? With an astronaut.
- What part of the computer the astronaut likes the most? A space bar.
Astronaut Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny astronaut day jokes and even better astronaut day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So, an astronaut dreams of spending a Little over a day on Mars... It is his Sol endeavor.
- so the astronaut Chirstina Kush returned to earth... After being enclousured 328 days in space now she will be free to... be enclousured in his house. thanks covid 19.
- How does an astronaut organise his day? He'll planet
Astronaut Kid Jokes
Here is a list of funny astronaut kid jokes and even better astronaut kid puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When Trump was a kid wanted to be an astronaut when he grew up... ...but all he was able to accomplish was the first syllable.
- A handicapped kid wants to be an astronaut. Because he has spacial needs.
- I've wanted to become an astronaut ever since I was a kid, but decided not to after I heard about the 60% fatality rate. Shame too, only 40% off.
Astronaut Love Jokes
Here is a list of funny astronaut love jokes and even better astronaut love puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why should you never make love to a female astronaut twice? You might burn up on re-entry.
- What do you call an astronaut who loves himself? A NASAccist!
- Where do astronauts love keyboard Because it has a SpaceBar
- An astronaut's wife says to him, worried: "You can't go to Mars! It is too dangerous!"
To which he answers:
"I'm sorry love, I do what I musk." - why are fish good astronauts? They love trouter space!
Hilarious Fun Astronaut Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about astronaut you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean spaceship jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make astronaut pranks.
What is an astronaut's favorite key on a keyboard? Space!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An astronaut was ejected from the ISS n**....
It's OK, though. He felt no pressure.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
RIP Neil Armstrong
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "o**... s**...? o**... s**... you want? You'll get o**... s**... when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
What do they tell people who flunk out of astronaut academy?
"The sky's the limit for you".
So there's two astronauts on a rocket...
One says to the other, "Get Ready, it's almost time for launch." To which the other says "Launch?! I haven't even had breakfast yet!"
Why was the astronaut so sore?
He had a buildup of ga-lactic acid.
What do a lonely astronaut and your thumbs have in common?
They both hang out at the Space Bar.
What kind of gum do astronauts chew?
Hubble Bubble
Why are there no astronauts on Twitch.tv?
Because in space, no one can hear you stream.
Why is it hard dating an astronaut?
Because they have space issues.
Did you hear about the deaf astronaut?
Neither did he.
What did the astronaut say to the other when he pressed the wrong button?
I apollo-gize.
Where do astronauts leave their spacecraft?
At parking meteors.
How does an astronaut cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
I started dating an astronaut. It happened out of nowhere.
I did not planet.
Mt. Everest has lost its record status ...
... now that a British astronaut is Earth's highest Peake.
What does NASA stand for
Need Another Seven Astronauts
What kind of cell phone reception do astronauts get on the moon?
1/6 G
My 8 year old son came up with this one.
Why don't astronauts take anything seriously?
They don't grasp the gravity of the situation...
This is naut, ok?
If America has 'astronauts' and Russia has 'cosmonauts', does denmark have 'deeznauts'?
What is the easiest way for a stressed astronaut to unwind and decompress?
By opening the door.
IT guy wants to be an astronaut
Why did the IT guy want to be an astronaut?
So he can find router space.
Why can't astronauts eat popsicles?
In space, no one can hear the ice cream truck.
An astronaut and an alien walk into a space bar...
The astronaut doesn't say anything to the alien.
The alien doesn't say anything to the astronaut.
Why didn't the approaching black hole concern the astronaut?
He didn't understand the gravity of the situation.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Mr. Brezhnev, the Americans just landed on the moon!"
Brezhnev: "If the Americans were the first on the moon, then Russians will be first on the sun!"
Scientist: "But sun is so hot that astronauts will burn alive there!"
Brezhnev: "Are you s**...? We will fly to there in the night!"
Why couldn't the astronaut book a room on the moon?
Because it was full.
What do astronauts use to enhance their performance?
Asteroids
Where do astronauts go to drink?
The bar.
What did one astronaut say to the other?
Stop mooning me, I can see Uranus.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cosmonaut's s**... story
I always knew that I wanted to be as astronaut , even when I was a little boy. However, I knew my father would not be supportive of me because he would always tell me "The sky's the limit!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why didn't they let the s**... m**... become an Astronaut?
They didn't want him getting near Uranus
What do you call a drunk astronaut?
Bud-light-beer
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How can you tell if an astronaut is gay?
You can't. There's no orientation in space.
If an athlete can get athlete's foot, what can an astronaut get?
I have no idea.. my 6th grade teacher asked us this and never told us the answer and it's been haunting me for 30 years. Any guesses?
What did the astronauts conclude after they found bones on the moon?
The cow didn't make it.
Astronauts release a photo of Hurricane Harvey...
Astronauts released a photo of Hurricane Harvey as seen from the the International Space Station. They sent a short message along with the photograph; "Houston, you have a problem."
Astronauts must be having a blast
Because now they can say:
"Houston YOU have a problem"
Why do Astronauts go into space?
Because some men just wanna watch the world turn.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear the one about the astronaut m**... for ninety minutes in orbit?
He came full circle.
Why do so many children aspire to be astronauts?
Some men just want to watch the world turn.
Why do astronauts think they are better than others?
Cause they're always looking down on us.
DPRK sends astronaut to the sun
Kim Jong Un is sitting in his office. He proudly tells his advisors:
North Korea will be the first country to send people to the sun!
His advisors break out in applause. Meanwhile Donald Trump is watching this live on TV. He calls Kim Jong Un and asks him:
How are you going to send people to the sun? It's too hot!
Kim Jong Un replies by saying to his advisors:
What an idiot! We can send them at night!
His advisors break out in applause. On hearing this Donald Trump says to his advisors:
What an idiot!…
There is no sun at night!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What happened to the astronaut that m**... his friend in space?
Nothing.
He was above the law.
I think my babe is an astronaut
She said she needs space.
American astronauts landed in Siberia. They walked for a long time in the taiga, met a man.
- Do you speak English? - they asked.
He answered:
- Yes, I do. But what's the point?
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
I could never be an astronaut
I'd just be a waste of space.
I asked my Dad what I could be when I'm older and he told me "The sky is the limit".
It really upset me because I've always wanted to be an astronaut.
The biology teacher asks Johnny if he can describe what a specimen is?
Sure teach, a specimen is an Italian astronaut!
What do you call a drunk astronaut?
A kosmonaut
What do you call a compulsive liar who's also an astronaut, a billionaire, and a nascar driver?
Me.
Two astronauts are falling into a black hole while telling jokes.
One turns to the other and says "I'm afraid we're not aware of the gravity of the situation."
Why don't astronauts eat much at breakfast?
So they can be ready for lunch
I've never liked astronauts,
they think they're above me.
I don't believe that the Moon Landing ever happened.
I mean, come on. The Moon is huge; if it had landed, it would've squished all of the astronauts.
What's the difference between an astronaut and a cosmonaut?
Astronauts take it slow, cosmonauts are always rushin'
What do you call a black person in space
An astronaut, obviously
What do you call an astronaut from the hood?
Zero G
What award does NASA give the astronauts that board their spacecraft particularly quickly?
The starship -enter-prize.
How do astronauts get to sleep?
They just drift off.
Three astronauts walk into a bar
On the way in, one of them spots ten dollars on the floor. As he bends down to pick it up, one of the others claims that he saw it first, so it belongs to him. The third then claims that he dropped it earlier, so it must be his.
Whose ten? We have a problem...
When I was a young boy, I wanted to become an Astronaut
Now I realise I actually want to just get high
What laptop does an astronaut use?
Macbook. 'Cos you can't open windows in space. Ciao Bella ciao
