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Astrology Jokes

42 astrology jokes and hilarious astrology puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about astrology that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover tons of hilarious astrology jokes about each astrology sign, from dating to dark astrology jokes. Read our latest collection of astrology jokes, from Leo to Capricorn, Scorpio to Libra, with a few surprising ones you'll want to try out on your friends.

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Popular Astrology Short Jokes

Short astrology jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The astrology humour may include short horoscope jokes also.

  1. My doctor said "I've got bad news: mercury is in Uranus."
    I said, "I didn't know you were into that astrology stuff."
    He said, "I'm not. My thermometer just broke."
  2. Let's be thankful WebMD never got into Astrology... Otherwise everybody would just be a Cancer
  3. 4 Norse Gods, 1 Roman God, and 2 Astrological bodies walk into a bar. The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke.
  4. What don't they name train stations after astrology signs? No passenger would ever make it past the terminal Cancer!
  5. Bad joke incoming 4 Norse gods, 1 roman god, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar. The bartender says "This is gonna be a week joke"
  6. If your Mercury is in retrograde, I have a perfect solution for your problem. Stop believing in astrology.
  7. "Will I be ok doc?" "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now."
    "I don't believe in that astrology rubbish."
    "Nor do I !! My thermometer just broke."
  8. It's a little known fact that bears believe in astrology... It's called The Kodiak.
    One of their pickup lines is "Hey honey... what's ursine?"
  9. I went in to a pet shop. I said, Can I buy a goldfish?
    The guy said, Do you want an aquarium?
    I said, "I don't care what astrological sign it is."
  10. Will I be OK, doc? I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus.
    I don't do that astrology stuff, doc.
    Me neither, my thermometer just broke!
    (Not my joke but I think it's worth sharing!)

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Astrology One Liners

Which astrology one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with astrology? I can suggest the ones about astrological sign and astronomy.

  1. There's only one group of people dumb enough to believe in astrology... Scorpios
  2. What do you call the study of astrological bodies? Astrophysiques.
  3. My wife and I Let astrology come between us.
    It Taurus apart.
  4. Did you hear about the astrologer that died in a fire? He became an ashtrologer
  5. I said to my doctor "I think I'm obsessed with Astrology" He said "What are the signs?"
  6. Astrology is bunk. I'm Sagittarius, but everyone says I'm a Cancer
  7. How did the astrologer cross the road? In his Taurus!
  8. What made the astrology woman such a freak? She let Gemini both have a go with her.
  9. Why was astrology invented? So economics would seem like an accurate science.
  10. You should never use an astrology sign generator. It might give you cancer.
  11. I can't stand when people talk about astrology like it's real. I'm such an Aries.
  12. Astrology Fact of the Day (Aquarius) Aquarius, with an extra M becomes aquariums.
  13. Astrologers should be jailed for giving away spoilers.
  14. Pay respects to all the people like me Who got cancer from astrological signs
  15. Do you believe in astrology ? No, I am Sagittarius.
    We are specticle.

Astrology Sign Jokes

Here is a list of funny astrology sign jokes and even better astrology sign puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My barber is big into astrology, and told me that every zodiac sign corresponds to a certain hairstyle, except for one Cancer.
  • My doctor called three times... ...just to tell me my astrology sign! And he wasn't even right! And they call themselves professionals .
  • When she asked me about my sign I told her I don't believe in astrology... Because I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical.
  • I wish every woman in the world had cancer. As their astrological sign, of course. It'd mean they're my perfect zodiac match.
  • My grandmothers astrological sign was Cancer. Ironic, how she died. Crushed to death by a giant crab.
  • How to use Astrology to know about your relationship future: If she starts to speak about your sign: run!
    If she starts to speak about your sign and ascendent: run like h**..., and never come back!
  • Whats the ISIS members' astrological sign? Sad t**...
Astrology joke, Whats the ISIS members' astrological sign?

Astrology Girl Jokes

Here is a list of funny astrology girl jokes and even better astrology girl puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you get when you cross astronomy and cosmology with a dyslexic girl at starbucks? Astrology, cosmetology, and a pumpkin space latte
Astrology joke, What do you get when you cross astronomy and cosmology with a dyslexic girl at starbucks?

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about astrology can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of astrology puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Playful Astrology Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group

What funny jokes about astrology you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean zodiac jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make astrology prank.

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

A guy is having a check up at the doctor's...

"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it" sais the doctor shaking his head "Mercury is in Uranus right now"
"I don't believe in that astrology c**..., doc"
"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke"

A man goes to the doctor

After a few tests he says
"Doc, I'm not feeling too good about my future health"
The doctor says
"I would seem so, Mercury is in Uranus after all"
The man scoffs,
"No offence doc, but I dont believe in astrology"
"Neither do I" answers the doctor, "My thermometer broke"

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: "Prophet, tell me when you will die!"The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him, immediately, no matter what answer he gave. So he said, finally, "I do not know when I will die. I only know that whenever I die, you will die three days later."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.

After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Watson awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Holmes, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Holmes replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Sherlock says
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Watson?"
Watson was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Holmes, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!

An astrologer went to the doctor for her lab results.

*Before the doctor could say anything, the astrologer asks* What's your zodiac sign?
Doctor: Gemini
Astrologer: I knew it, Gemini are the most studious of all the zodiac sign.
Doctor: What's your zodiac sign?
Astrologer: Cancer.
Doctor: **What a coincidence.**

Sherlock and Watson take a vacation

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"

My girlfriend and I broke up over astrology.

She's a Taurus, but I don't believe in b**....

The Alternative Healer

A man has been sick for quite some time, and the many doctors he's seen can't seem to figure out what's wrong with him.
So the man decides to go see an alternative healer. While going through the initial exam, the man asks the healer,
"So doc, do you think I'll be okay?"
The healer replies,
"I don't think so, Mercury is in Uranus."
The man replies,
"Oh I don't believe in that astrology stuff".
The healer replies,
"Me neither, I just broke my thermometer".

A man goes to the doctor

After a few tests he says
Doc, I'm not feeling too good about my future health
The doctor says
Neither do I. Mercury is in Uranus after all
The man replies
What? I don't believe a doctor believes in that astrology stuff
Oh, not that answers the doctor. My thermometer broke

A boy meets an astrologer

The Astrologers predicts that the boy will die soon.
Disheartened he walks into his professor and turns off all the lights; but why?
Because he knew, with no light; the professor's pupils will dilate.

Astrology joke, A boy meets an astrologer

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these astrology jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.