Astrologers Jokes
95 astrologers jokes and hilarious astrologers puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about astrologers that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Astrologers Short Jokes
Short astrologers jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The astrologers humour may include short jokes also.
- My doctor said "I've got bad news: mercury is in Uranus."
I said, "I didn't know you were into that astrology stuff."
He said, "I'm not. My thermometer just broke." - Let's be thankful WebMD never got into Astrology... Otherwise everybody would just be a Cancer
- 4 Norse Gods, 1 Roman God, and 2 Astrological bodies walk into a bar. The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke.
- What don't they name train stations after astrology signs? No passenger would ever make it past the terminal Cancer!
- Bad joke incoming 4 Norse gods, 1 roman god, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar. The bartender says "This is gonna be a week joke"
- If your Mercury is in retrograde, I have a perfect solution for your problem. Stop believing in astrology.
- "Will I be ok doc?" "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now."
"I don't believe in that astrology rubbish."
"Nor do I !! My thermometer just broke." - It's a little known fact that bears believe in astrology... It's called The Kodiak.
One of their pickup lines is "Hey honey... what's ursine?" - I went in to a pet shop. I said, Can I buy a goldfish?
The guy said, Do you want an aquarium?
I said, "I don't care what astrological sign it is." - Will I be OK, doc? I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus.
I don't do that astrology stuff, doc.
Me neither, my thermometer just broke!
(Not my joke but I think it's worth sharing!)
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Astrologers One Liners
Which astrologers one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with astrologers? I can suggest the ones about and .
- There's only one group of people dumb enough to believe in astrology... Scorpios
- What do you call the study of astrological bodies? Astrophysiques.
- My wife and I Let astrology come between us.
It Taurus apart. - Did you hear about the astrologer that died in a fire? He became an ashtrologer
- I said to my doctor "I think I'm obsessed with Astrology" He said "What are the signs?"
- Astrology is bunk. I'm Sagittarius, but everyone says I'm a Cancer
- How did the astrologer cross the road? In his Taurus!
- What made the astrology woman such a freak? She let Gemini both have a go with her.
- Why was astrology invented? So economics would seem like an accurate science.
- You should never use an astrology sign generator. It might give you cancer.
- I can't stand when people talk about astrology like it's real. I'm such an Aries.
- Astrology Fact of the Day (Aquarius) Aquarius, with an extra M becomes aquariums.
- Astrologers should be jailed for giving away spoilers.
- Pay respects to all the people like me Who got cancer from astrological signs
- Do you believe in astrology ? No, I am Sagittarius.
We are specticle.
Astrologers Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about astrologers you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make astrologers pranks.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
Two adventurers John and Jack were hunting for gold in the desert.
After roaming all day long under the hot sun, they set up their tent and fell asleep.
Some hours later, John woke up his friend.
"Jack, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Jack looked up and replied, "I can see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asked John.
Jack thought for a minute and said.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
After a moment of silence, John spoke.
"It tells two things to me. First is that... you are an idiot."
Jack looked at John, surprised. "Why do you say so?" he said.
"Because it has still not occurred to you that someone has stolen our tent." replied John.
Sherlock Holmes and Watson go on a camping trip
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of wine, they retire to their tent for the night. Several hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, wake up and tell me what you see?"
"I see millions of stars."
"And what do you deduce from that, Watson?"
Watson replies, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Sherlock?"
Holmes rolled his eyes. "Watson, you idiot! It tells me that someone has stolen our tent!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping
trip...
After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they
retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours
later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful
friend.
'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you
see.
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes, replies
Watson.
And what do you deduce from that?
Watson ponders for a minute.
Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately
a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that
God is all powerful and that we are a small and
insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell
you, Holmes?
Holmes is silent for a moment. 'Watson, you idiot!
he says. Someone has stolen our tent!
What does it tell you, Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes replies Watson.
And what do you deduce from that?
Watson ponders for a minute. Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?
Holmes is silent for a moment.
Watson, you idiot! he says. Someone has stolen our tent!
Holmes and Watson on a camping trip
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
Watson replied, I see millions and millions of stars.
What does that tell you? Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent.
I don't know if this has been posted before but it's one of my favourite jokes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes." Replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately quarter to four. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Watson, you idiot!" He exclaims. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
anyone interested in a good Sherlock Holmes joke?
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of Petrie wine, they retire to their tent for the night.
At about 3 AM, Holmes nudges Watson and asks, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
Watson said, "I see millions of stars."
Holmes asks, "And, what does that tell you?"
Watson replies, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes retorts, "Someone stole our tent."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.
After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Watson awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Holmes, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Holmes replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Sherlock says
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Watson?"
Watson was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Holmes, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!
Whats the ISIS members' astrological sign?
Sad t**...
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping
Sorry if re-post, a friend sent it to me over a text, and I thought it was worthy enough to go on here!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are on a camping trip. After dinner, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged Watson.
"Watson, look up at the sky. tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see billions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
A Sherlock Holmes Joke
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner , they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes replies Watson.
And what do you deduce from that?
Watson ponders for a minute. Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?
Holmes is silent for a moment.
Watson, you idiot! he says. Someone has stolen our tent!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson Go Camping...
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of red, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later Holmes woke up, nudged his faithful friend and said, "Watson, I want you to look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars." Sherlock said, "And what does that tell you?"
After a minute or so of pondering Watson said, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Metereologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day today. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for about 30 seconds and said, "Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip
In the middle of the night Holmes wakes up and gives Dr. Watson a nudge. "Watson," he says, "look up in the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions of stars, Holmes," says Watson.
"And what do you conclude from that, Watson?"
Watson thinks for a moment. "Well," he says, "astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meterologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Watson... someone has stolen our tent."
Sherlock and Watson Go Camping
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
A woman visits an astrologer
Astrologer: Would you like me to tell you your husband's future?
Woman: No you tell me his past, I'll decide his future.
My girlfriend and I broke up over astrology.
She's a Taurus, but I don't believe in b**....
An astrologer asks a lady if she wanted to know her husband's future...
To which she replied, "I decide his future, tell me about his past"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip
They set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies: "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
What do you get when you cross astronomy and cosmology with a dyslexic girl at starbucks?
Astrology, cosmetology, and a pumpkin space latte
Sherlock and Watson take a vacation
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
My grandmothers astrological sign was Cancer.
Ironic, how she died. Crushed to death by a giant crab.
A boy meets an astrologer
The Astrologers predicts that the boy will die soon.
Disheartened he walks into his professor and turns off all the lights; but why?
Because he knew, with no light; the professor's pupils will dilate.
Astrologer and the man
Astrologer - You and your wife will have a long life together.
Man - Is there any solution to this problem?
I told my superstitious friend I was having knee pains
She said "I have been reading into astrology and its said that Capricorn, the sea-goat, has more knee pains. Are you a Capricorn?"
I said "No ma'am. I'm a Taurus, and that's bull."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr.Watson are camping
At three in the morning, Holmes wakes Watson. "Watson, look up. What can you deduce from what you see?"
Watson ponders for a while. "From the starry sky? Astronomically, there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What do you deduce, Holmes?"
"I deduce that you're an idiot, Watson. If we can see the stars, then our tent has been stolen!"
When I was young, my astrologer said I was born for bigger things in life
Pretty accurate prediction!! I moved from S to M to L to XL to XXL
Astrology joke
I've got a cousin who was born with a rare condition that renders him speechless, deaf, blind, immobile, and unable to talk. He mostly lies in bed in a hospital, and we feed him through tubes. But underneath all that, you can totally tell he's got that typical wacky Capricorn sense of humor.
The World's Greatest Detective.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping. They'd gone to sleep beneath the night sky, when Holmes awoke and shook his companion.
"Watson, look at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions of brilliant stars," Watson answered.
"And what does that tell you?"
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are countless galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically speaking, Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. And you, Holmes?"
Holmes paused. "What I see, Watson, is that someone has stolen our tent!"
One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.
One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.
When she really died the next day, the King wanted to get the astrologer killed as he thought that he had purposefully conspired to kill the Queen to fulfill his prophecy.
The guards brought the astrologer to the court and the King asked him: "You seem to predict very well. Tell me, when are you going to die?"
The astrologer, with dead seriousness on his tone, said-"I shall die three days before you, Oh great king of kings!".
His life was spared.
During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
I wish every woman in the world had cancer.
As their astrological sign, of course. It'd mean they're my perfect zodiac match.
Why can't astrologers find humor in the movements of stars and planets?
The real joke is in the comets
I beat not one, but TWO Cancers.
Sadly the Astrology convention staff are pressing charges for assault.
How does the government remember the difference between Astronomy and Astrology?
Simple.
Just like with "Eco-", you don't consider it a science if it ends with "-logy"
When she asked me about my sign I told her I don't believe in astrology...
Because I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical.
A man goes to the doctor
After a few tests he says
Doc, I'm not feeling too good about my future health
The doctor says
Neither do I. Mercury is in Uranus after all
The man replies
What? I don't believe a doctor believes in that astrology stuff
Oh, not that answers the doctor. My thermometer broke
Why do Reddit astrologers not try to divine humor from the movement of planets?
Because the real joke is in the comets!
Will I be ok doc?
I doubt it Mercury is in Uranus right now
I replied I don't do that Astrology stuff
Me neither the Doctor replied my thermometer just broke
One day, h**... went to meet an astrologer.
"When will I die?" he asked.
"On a Jewish holiday." The astrologer replied with a smirk.
h**... twisted up his face. "How the h**... can you be so sure?"
"Oh, my Fuhrer, any day you die will be a Jewish holiday."
(Not an original for anyone who didn't already know.)
Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?
During his routine medical check, the long suffering patient asked the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it", said doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."
The patient said, " I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
Neither do I", replied the doctor, "My thermometer just broke in your a**...."
A guy is having a check up at the doctor's...
"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it" sais the doctor shaking his head "Mercury is in Uranus right now"
"I don't believe in that astrology c**..., doc"
"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke"
A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.
Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: "Prophet, tell me when you will die!"The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him, immediately, no matter what answer he gave. So he said, finally, "I do not know when I will die. I only know that whenever I die, you will die three days later."
I've decided to stop going to my doctor now I've found out he's into astrology
I went to get the results of a scan and all he had to say was "I've consulted your chart and I can see Cancer is rising in Uranus".
My doctor called three times...
...just to tell me my astrology sign! And he wasn't even right! And they call themselves professionals .
An astrologer went to the doctor for her lab results.
*Before the doctor could say anything, the astrologer asks* What's your zodiac sign?
Doctor: Gemini
Astrologer: I knew it, Gemini are the most studious of all the zodiac sign.
Doctor: What's your zodiac sign?
Astrologer: Cancer.
Doctor: **What a coincidence.**
A man goes to the doctor
After a few tests he says
"Doc, I'm not feeling too good about my future health"
The doctor says
"I would seem so, Mercury is in Uranus after all"
The man scoffs,
"No offence doc, but I dont believe in astrology"
"Neither do I" answers the doctor, "My thermometer broke"
An astrologist goes to a doctor
After a few tests he says "Doctor, I'm not feeling too good about my future health"
The doctor says "Neither do I. Mercury is in Uranus after all."
The astrologist exclaims, "What?! You're actually right. I'm shocked that a doctor believes in astrology"
"Oh, not that." replies the doctor. "My thermometer broke"
How to use Astrology to know about your relationship future:
If she starts to speak about your sign: run!
If she starts to speak about your sign and ascendent: run like h**..., and never come back!
My barber is big into astrology, and told me that every zodiac sign corresponds to a certain hairstyle, except for one
Cancer.
A man goes to an astrologer and then to a doctor for advice because he has trouble in performing bowel movements. Both of them said the same thing.....
"Uranus is not in the right position".
Taking astrology seriously is dangerous for your health
It has a one in twelve chance of giving you Cancer.
I can't stand people believing in astrology.
Sorry, but we Pisceans are logical and scientific.
The Alternative Healer
A man has been sick for quite some time, and the many doctors he's seen can't seem to figure out what's wrong with him.
So the man decides to go see an alternative healer. While going through the initial exam, the man asks the healer,
"So doc, do you think I'll be okay?"
The healer replies,
"I don't think so, Mercury is in Uranus."
The man replies,
"Oh I don't believe in that astrology stuff".
The healer replies,
"Me neither, I just broke my thermometer".
I don't believe in astrology
but thats probably because i'm a cancer. We're naturally skeptical