Assured Jokes
52 assured jokes and hilarious assured puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about assured that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Assured Short Jokes
Short assured jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The assured humour may include short confident jokes also.
- My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire is. I replied, "The one from Sesame Street."
She said, "He doesn't count."
"Oh I assure you, he does." - My son was frustrated because apparently he just doesn't understand girls. I assured him saying that that'll change one day. Yes, when you get older, you won't understand women.
- I was recently asked who my favourite vampire was. I said, the muppet from Sesame Street. They told me, He doesn't count!
I replied, I assure you, he does. - Someone asked me who my favorite vampire is in pop culture... I said, "The one from Sesame Street."
They said, "He doesn't count!"
"I assure you," I said, "He does." - How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to assure the public that everything possible is being done while the other screws it into a water faucet. - I assured my wife she's the only one I've ever slept with The others have mostly been eight and nines.
(Cr - A friend of mine is writing a book on Californian sea lions. I assured him that paper would be much easier.
- Some accuse me of being a luggage denier. I want to assure everyone, that is definitely not the case.
- With everything that's going on I called my bank to make sure my deposit was safe. They assured me I don't have enough money to worry about it.
- A friend asked how many famous vampires I know. "Just 1," I replied. "From Seasame Street." "He's a puppet!" My friend said. "He doesn't count!"
"Oh, I assure you, he does."
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Assured One Liners
Which assured one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with assured? I can suggest the ones about guaranteed and ensure.
- I hate people that need assurance. You know what I mean?
- Mona Lisa was sentenced to life imprisonment. She assured me she was framed.
- I thought my golf joke was pretty lame, but everyone kept assuring me that it was subpar.
- I didn't think my golf joke was that good, but everyone kept assuring me it was subpar.
- I started using sleeping pills yesterday Rest assured they worked
- I collect way too much sheet music, but I assure you, this one is a real score.
- Thanks poverty! I can rest assured women don't want me for my money.
- I was told I have a small intestine. But I can assure you it's at least average size.
- Waddya get if you mix Canadian Club and Southern Comfort? What you most assuredly deserve
- What made the quality assurance supervisor in an Amazon warehouse laugh? this
Cheeky Assured Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity
What funny jokes about assured you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean certified jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make assured pranks.
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist...
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent e**.... It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.
Half full, Half empty.
Now you might think that the glass is half full, and you might think that the glass is half empty, but engineers know that the glass is actually two times larger than it needs to be.
Politicians, on the other hand, have assured me that the glass would be more empty if the opposition were in charge,
While surrealists think that the glass is half of a slowly rotting lemon.
Physicists happen to know that you can never know how much water is in the glass because just by measuring it you've changed the outcome.
Neutralists decline to comment.
A Child Didn't Attend School
Late afternoon, the grandma saw the teacher walking up their driveway. She asked her grandson, "Did you leave school early today?" He hung his head and admitted, "Yes Grandma." The grandma thought it was hilarious and assured him saying she would tell the teacher that she hadn't seen him all day. "Maybe you should go hide," she suggested. "Oh no, Grandma. *You* should hide, not me!" Surprised, she asked why. The grandson said, "I told the teacher you died!"
I decided to treat my girlfriend.
"Since I know how much you like One Direction," I assured her, "I thought you might like to see them."
"Oh my goodness!" she squealed, "Did you get me tickets to their concert??!?!?"
"No, but they are on that poster over there....." I added.
"You're going to leave me for someone younger," my wife explained.
"That's not right," I assured her. "They could be older too."
Relaxing location
While my parents were making their f**... arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. You'll have a beautiful view of the swan pond, he assured them.
Dad wasn't sold: Unless you're including a periscope with my casket, I don't know how I'm going to enjoy it.
I got chatting with a girl in a bar....
"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."
"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that!" she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please.
A few drinks later, we kissed and cuddled and headed back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out!"
New Years Resolutions
Me and the wife were having Christmas drinks with friends when one asked, "what's everyone's new years resolution?"
I said, "Mine's going to be, to have more s**...."
"Oh great!" my wife sighed.
"Don't worry, love" I assured her, "it's not going to affect you."
I assured to my significant other that size doesn't matter...
when she asked "does this dress make me look fat?" and now she's furious, help--
Everyone is concerned about Trump's health after he posted an incomprehensible tweet about his covfefe
But don't worry. Dr. Hufghfufu just assured the media that he's agvofofi.
A man calls a doctor in a panic
"Doctor, doctor!" the man cries. "My son swallowed my pencil, and I don't know what to do!!"
"Now calm down," assured the doctor. "Tell me this:
...do you have a *pen?*"
A joke my grandfather told me as a kid.
After the passengers loaded on, the plane flew out of the airport. As they were getting airborn, an announcement came over the speakers: "Welcome to the first fully-automated flight. There are no pilots operating this plane, it's being operated entirely by a computer. Rest assured that rigorous testing has been run to ensure that the trip will be completely safe. Nothing can go wrong.
Nothing can go wrong.
Nothing can go wrong.
Nothing can go wrong..."
I was browsing Craigslist the other day, when I came across someone who wanted to learn how to make macaroni.
Being a master macaroni maker myself, I responded to his offer, and we set up a time and place to meet so I could teach him. When we met up, he took one look at me, and he told me that I didn't look like someone who could even make halfway decent macaroni. "Sir", I assured him, "I promise I'm a master of my Kraft."
When I overheard one of my cashiers tell a customer.
"We haven't had it for a while, and I doubt we'll be getting it soon," I quickly assured the customer that we would have whatever it was she wanted by next week. After she left, I read the cashier the riot act.
"Never tell the customer that we're out of anything. Tell them we'll have it next week," I instructed her. "Now, what did she want?"
"Rain."
Somebody told me I'd never be able to talk behind my own back
I assured him that I look over my should before talking
h**... went to a fortune teller..
..and asked her, On what day will I die? The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. Why are you so sure of that? demanded h**....
Any day , she replied, on which you die will be a Jewish holiday.
A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted...
They assured him he would be covered.
A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,
a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."
h**... visits a fortune teller.
h**... visits a fortune teller and asks her, "On what day will I die?"
The fortune teller assured him that he will die on a Jewish holiday. "How are you so assured of that?" demanded h**....
"Any day" replied the fortune teller "on which you die will be a Jewish holiday".
This was in a joke book from the 1940s
h**... went to a fortune teller and asked her, on what day will I die?
The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday.
Why are you so sure of that? Demanded h**...
Any day, she replied on which you die will become a Jewish holiday.
A woman accidentally locked her keys in her car and was pacing frantically on the side of the street, when a soldier from Boston passing by saw this and assured her that he could help. She looked on in amazement as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball...
...and rubbed them against the car door.
Magically, it opened!!
"That's incredible!!" the woman gasped. "How did you do it?"
"Easy..." replied the soldier. "These are my khakis."
I've just spent my life savings on a cannabis farm.
The estate agent assured me it's a growth industry.
Got this from a book I got for Christmas
h**... went to a fortune teller and asked her, On what day will I die? The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish Holiday. Why are you so sure of that? Demanded h**....
Any day you die she replied will be a Jewish holiday.
At first, I wasn't sure if my wife and I would be s**... compatible, but she assured me she knew what I would like. She was right...
...she had me pegged from the start.
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a dog!
Unless it's a repressed memory, I made this puppy up myself...
A woman walked into Dr Smith's office and introduced herself.
Hi, I'm Dr Yvette Tan, I've just become an accredited psychiatrist and would love to work as part of your medical practice .
Despite some misgivings, Dr Tan assured him she'd be needed eventually, and once he'd checked all her papers, he set her up in an empty office down the hall.
The next morning a man came in to see him and yelled out Doctor! I feel like I'm a dog!
Ah yes, the doctor replies, I think you'll need to see Yvette
Two men sat down at a German restaurant for a 10 course meal.
After six of the courses had come out, one of the men remarked to the other "I wonder when the sausages are going to be served.".
The waiter overheard and assured the men that the sausages were coming out eventually by saying "Don't worry. The wurst is yet to come.".
My friend had twins last month, Amal and Juan
When I saw her at the store yesterday she only had a picture of one of the babies on her phone but she assured me, If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
Jack got chatting with a girl in a bar last night,
"Can I buy you a drink?" He asked.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," Jack assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While J was putting his clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
Jack said, "My wife found out."
Thoughtful Gesture
N Y Governor Cuomo assured the public that he always wore his face mask while s**... harassing his accusers
It's my wife's birthday. This morning when she woke up, she told me that she dreamt that I got her a diamond necklace for her birthday, and asked if her dream could mean anything. I assured her that she'd find out later today.
She's gonna love the book I bought her about the meaning of dreams.
Woman about to step into bath hears a ring at the door.
"Who is it?" she shouts.
"Blind man", comes the answer.
Assured that her modesty will not be compromised, she opens the door n**....
The man at the door says, "Nice t**... lady, now where do you want these blinds."
I'm making a hat out of my dad's old boat.
I didn't think it was possible, but he assured me it was cap sized.
My pregnant wife worried I was playing too much poker
"Don't worry," I assured her, "After he's born, I'm going to see him... and raise him!"
I tried to start a therapy group for people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder
They've assured me it's me who needs the group and I'm getting enrolled next week. I'm so grateful for their help
How many customer service representatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
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The doctor examining me in A and E asked whether I had any religious beliefs. "None at all," I assured him.
The doctor examining me in A and E asked whether I had any religious beliefs. "None at all," I assured him. He glanced at my notes and said "you might want to reconsider that."
A centipede walked into a shop and asked for a pair of shoes.
The shopkeeper looked at him and checked it was just the one pair that the centipede wanted.
The centipede laughed and assured the shopkeeper that yes, although one pair would be useless for himself, the shoes were a birthday gift for someone else and that he did indeed only want one pair.
The shopkeeper laughed too. "Who's the lucky person you're buying for?" he asked.
"The millipede", replied the centipede. "I don't like him."
