The Best 33 Assure Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Assure jokes. There are some assure transparency jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these assure safe puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Assure Jokes and Puns

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to assure the public that everything possible is being done while the other screws it into a water faucet.

All the single ladles

Joe invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the course of said dinner his mother couldn't help but notice the staggering beauty of Joe's roommate. She had been long suspicious of a relationship between them, and her beauty combined with the banter she had seen them share only made her all the more curious.

Joe noticed his mother's suspicion. "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you that Julie and I are just roommates."

A week later, Julie came to Joe and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't seem to find the gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it on accident, do you?"

Joe agreed that it was a reasonable possibility, and wrote a letter to his mother inquiring about the ladle. It read, "I'm not saying you 'did' take the ladle, nor am I saying you 'did not' take the ladle,' but the fact is it's been missing since you came to dinner last week."

Several weeks later, a reply came.

"I'm not saying you 'do' sleep with Julie, nor am I saying you 'do not' sleep with Julie. The fact is if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now."

So on the morning of 9/11 then Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf rang up Bush

Musharraf - "Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great buildings... I would like to assure that we had nothing in connection with that..

Bush - "What buildings? What people?"

Musharraf - "Oh, what time is it in America now?"

Bush - "It's eight in the morning."

Musharraf - "Oops... Will call back in an hour."

Assure joke, So on the morning of 9/11 then Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf rang up Bush

I just made this one up so cut me some slack...

A man and his wife are at the beach and she catches him staring at a beautiful woman. Predictably she gets mad at him.

Man: Honey, you know I only have eyes for you!

Wife: Then why are you ogling that woman over there?

Man: My dear, I assure you it doesn't mean anything. It is purely for educational purposes.

Wife: What do you mean?

Man: I've always wanted to study a broad!

(I'm sorry)

I was told I was addicted to cocaine, but I can assure you I am definitely not.

I just love the way it smells.


Some accuse me of being a luggage denier.

I want to assure everyone, that is definitely not the case.

A woman is in a coma and her nurses are giving her a sponge bath

They notice when they get near her lower area that her vital signs improve a little. They think oral sex may bring her out of her coma. They go in the waiting room and tell her husband their theory and assure him they will have complete privacy. The nurses leave and come back 15 minutes later and the woman is flat-lined. What happened?? Yelled the nurse. Her husband replies, I don't know...I think she choked.

Assure joke, A woman is in a coma and her nurses are giving her a sponge bath

How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to assure that everything possible is being done about the situation and the other one to screw it into the faucet.

I collect way too much sheet music,

but I assure you, this one is a real score.

I just got subscription to a Magazine About lettuce...

...I mean, It's fun to leaf through, and full of crisp facts -*And that's just issue 1!* The publishers assure me that it's only the tip of the iceberg! Gee, I can't wait for issue 2 to see what facts romaine!

WAITER: "Yes, is there something wrong?"

WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"

CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."

WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"

CUSTOMER: "Taste it."

WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."

CUSTOMER: "Taste it."

WAITER: "Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."

CUSTOMER: "Taste it!"

WAITER: exasperated, "All right, Sir, I'll taste it."

Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"

CUSTOMER: "Ah ha!!"

You can explore assure sure reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean assure procedure dad jokes. There are also assure puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I assured to my significant other that size doesn't matter...

when she asked "does this dress make me look fat?" and now she's furious, help--

People tell me that I don't know how to pronounce certain foods...

but I can assure you, I quinoa all about it!

A bank robber gets hold of the cash he needs but before fleeing the scene he demands the regular customers to stand in a line

The bank robber ask the first guy in line: "did you see what happened here?"

First guy: "I sure did! And I'm gonna tell the police exactly what happened and what you look lik..."
The bank robber shoots him in the head and ask the next in line the same question.

Second guy: "I assure you I did not see a thing... but my wife here did"

So I took my girlfriend's virginity and her father found out

It went a bit like this

Father: I can't believe you two did that! You're supposed to stay pure until marriage!

Me: I'm very sorry sir. I assure you it will never happen again.

Have I ever told you guys about how I escaped from the Middle East?

Iran.

Oman the whole story is ridiculous.

I basically had to Qatar cross the border.

Just like Bon Jovi, I was basically Lebanon a prayer the whole time.

I know it doesn't sound like a true story, but I assure you Israel.

Honestly I could tell you more but it Kuwait.

Assure joke, Have I ever told you guys about how I escaped from the Middle East?

As someone from Alabama, I can assure you that Roy Moore would never assault a 14 year old girl

...that he was not related to.

How Many Aerospace Engineers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

Although the exact number is a closely held state secret requiring level 5 security clearance, I can assure you, that for $50,000, it *can* be done.

Have you heard that joke about Peter Pan

Never gets old.

[I can assure you this is a repost. I've just not seen it for ages.]


A guy walks into a diner and sees the fry cook, with one arm, making hamburger patties by smashing meat under his armpit...

The guy complains to his waiter that using his armpit to make burger patties is the grossest thing a fry cook could ever do to prepare food.

The waiter responds, I assure you it's not. In the morning he makes donuts.

Today's meeting for visually impaired psychics

has been cancelled...

due to unforeseen circumstances.

We assure you this issue will be **raised** in our next newsletter.

How do you get Donald Trump to hang himself?

Write PROPERTY OF CNN on the rope, and assure him it's perfectly safe, because it's fake noose.

A man is talking to his doctor before a vasectomy...

The man asks "So, after the procedure, sex will feel the same?"

The doctor responds, "I can assure you there will be no vas deferens."

I assured my wife she's the only one I've ever slept with

The others have mostly been eight and nines.

(Cr

See to find out

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket. I wrote back, Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.

John Travolta hospitalized for suspected COVID-19

However, doctors have confirmed that it was only Saturday Night Fever and they assure everyone he is Staying Alive.

Apparently, he had chills that were multiplying.

Ah, Perry the Platypus. Before I begin, I would like to assure you that this joke was absolutely not stolen. And of course by not stolen I mean COMPLETELY STOLEN! *activates trap*

Behold, My voice-changenator! This masterpiece has the power to modify people's voices across the tristate area! Watch as I merely post to my blog, and then any one who reads it is suddenly unable to resist even thinking in a voice other than my own!

Someone asked me who my favorite vampire is in pop culture...

I said, "The one from Sesame Street."

They said, "He doesn't count!"

"I assure you," I said, "He does."

Someone asked me who my favorite vampire was...

I said it was the muppet from Sesame Street.

They said "He doesn't count".

I replied, "I assure you, he does".

I was recently asked who my favourite vampire was. I said, the muppet from Sesame Street.

They told me, He doesn't count!

I replied, I assure you, he does.

While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is.

Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street."

Friend: "What!? He doesn't count."

Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."

Last night John Travolta was hospitalised for a suspected case of Covid-19

But his doctors have now confirmed it was only Saturday night fever and they assure everyone that he's staying alive.

Apparently he had chills that were multiplying.

An anti-semite once told a rabbi that Jews never tip

The Rabbi replied: "I can assure you that every single Jewish guy I know around here has given a tip at least once in their lives"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the assure thoughts jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working assure skeptical piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes