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Assume Jokes

119 assume jokes and hilarious assume puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about assume that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Popular Assume Short Jokes

Short assume jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The assume humour may include short assumption jokes also.

  1. I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast. Since she can't even beat an egg
  2. Today I saw a poor, old woman trip and fall. At least, I assume she was poor. She only had $4.75 in her purse.
  3. Why does everyone assume that just because I'm a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent's basement? My parents don't have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.
  4. Hi, I'm black, and I can't stand it when people assume we're all criminals -Sent from your iPhone.
  5. I always assumed that China has extremely sophisticated spying technology that they use on their rivals. Well, that balloon has burst.
  6. I saw someone try to park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn't see the driver so I'm not going to assume what gender she was.
  7. I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious today. Well, I'm assuming she was poor because she had only a dollar in her purse.
  8. I saw a poor lady fall unconscious in the snow today Well I'm assuming she was poor,she only had $1 in her purse
  9. What do incel and Excel have in common? Both frequently assume that things are dates, even though they are not.
  10. You ever go to pay cash, but the cashier has already handed you the card machine? I'm like... "Did you just assume my tender?"

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Assume One Liners

Which assume one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with assume? I can suggest the ones about expect and ensure.

  1. You can't judge a book by its cover Now you can't even assume it's a book
  2. "Cash or Debit?" "Did you just assume my tender?!"
  3. People always assume I've never seen Fight Club But I just don't talk about it.
  4. If a woman tells you that she's Bi... ...assume it's Polar. Huge time saver.
  5. I met a hot girl. We had dinner yesterday. At least I'm assuming she had dinner.
  6. It turns out that 60's rocker Steppenwolf was an assumed name. He was born Toby Wild.
  7. How does a physicist milk a cow? First, he assumes the cow is a sphere.
  8. What did the trans-textual book say to the librarian? "Did you just assume my genre?"
  9. When you said friends with benefits … … I assumed you offered a dental plan.
  10. My wife constantly complains that I don't listen to her Or at least, I assume she does.
  11. Is it sexist.... ...I just assume Dr. Pepper is a guy?
  12. A guy walks into a bar She then started yelling at me for assuming her gender
  13. Saw a link to this guy speaking Xhosa ..but I assumed it was just clickbait.
  14. How does an economist open a can of beans? "Assume you have a can opener..."
  15. I was accused of mansplaining... So I asked them, "Did you just assume my gender?"

Assume joke, I was accused of mansplaining...

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about assume can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of assume puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Witty Assume Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about assume you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean accept jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make assume prank.

A geologist, physicist and an economist are marooned on a desert island with nothing to eat.

A can of soup washes ashore. They ponder how to open it. The geologist says, 'Let's smash it open with a rock.' The physicist says, 'Let's heat it up and blow it open.' The economist says, 'No, no. You guys will lose most of the soup. Let's just assume we have a can opener.'

If I was addicted to m**... and then I got addicted to s**......

Would it be safe to assume my addiction got out of hand?

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face

r**... Logic Joke

Two r**..., Hunter and c**... decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the c**... asked.
The counselor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a w**... eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the counselor.
"That's real good!" said c**....
The counselor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, c**... said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
c**... was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the counselor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
c**..., proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Hunter was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked Hunter.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied c**....
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked Hunter.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a w**... eater?" asked c**....
"No," Hunter replied.
"Then you're gay."

Two economists fall into a hole

they realize they are trapped, and so they come up with a plan. The first step in their plan is... assume a ladder.

So people are loading into an airplane

And the pilot of this airplane is blind. At the end of the take off s**... is a huge lake. All the people on the plane are relaxing reading books and talking to each other as the airplane starts to roll down the s**.... A few people see that they are heading towards a lake but they assume the pilot knows what he's doing. The airplane is going dangerously close to the lake and the plane is still not taking off, at this point people are starting panic. The plane is still not taking off and it's way too close to the lake. At this point everyone on the plane is screaming and yelling because the plane is about to plunge into the lake at the end of the s**.... The plane is about 10 feet away from the lake then it lifts off the ground and takes off. The passengers calm down slowly and return to reading and talking . In the front of the plane the pilot laughs to himself and mumbles "one of these days the passengers won't scream and we'll all die."

A man walks up to a counter and says . . .

A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"Well-"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"
"Well . . . this is a hardware store."

Blind pilots

A plane is preparing for takeoff with a full load of passengers when the pilot and copilot board--both with dark sunglasses and tapping walking sticks for guidance. The passengers are understandably uncomfortable, but assume it must be some sort of practical joke, so they say nothing.
As the plane begins to accelerate, the passengers see the end of the runway rapidly approaching, with certain doom awaiting at the end if the pilots really can't see what they're doing. Just before the end of the runway, all the passengers scream together--right before the plane lifts off. They're a little upset, but relieved that the pilots aren't really blind.
In the cockpit, the pilot turned to his copilot and remarked: "you know, Lou, one of these days they're not going to scream in time, and then we'll be in real trouble!"

Dead Baby Jokes Thread!

I assume there's another one of these, but let's bring some freshness. I'll start us off.
Q: How do you get a baby to stop crawling in circles?
A: Nail its other hand to the floor.

This guy is shopping, see, and he approaches the clerk and asks him..

.."Excuse me, where is the Polish sausage?"
"Oh," says the clerk, "Are you Polish?"
"Whaat?" says the guy, indignantly."Are you serious? If I asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? If I asked for bagels, would you assume I was Jewish? Jeez!"
"No, I certainly would not. " said the clerk.
"Then why'd you ask if I was Polish?"
"Because, Sir," says the clerk, "This is Home Depot."

A chemist, a physicist, and an economist...

are all trapped on a desert island, trying to figure out how to open a can of food.
"Let's heat the can over the fire until the can explodes" says the chemist.
"No, no," says the physicist, "lets drop the can onto the rocks from the top of a tall tree"
"I have an idea," says the economist. "First, we assume a can opener..."

Thanks, Rodney

(Assume the Dangerfield voice) "My wife and me don't get along too good, y'know? She said she was gonna cut me down to once a month. Once a month!
"Yeah, I guess it's not so bad. I know two guys she cut off completely!"

Assume a can opener

A physicist, a chemist, and an economist are stranded on a desert island with no tools and a can of food. The physicist and the chemist each devised an ingenious mechanism for getting the can open; the economist merely says, "Assume we have a can opener".

Why do I hear noises?

(Teacher) "With all this talking I assume you are done with your work"
(Student) "And with all this complaining I assume you're single"

A black man and a white man are arguing about whether God is black or white

They decided to climb to the top of the tallest mountain and call out to God with the hopes of getting a response.
"God! Are you white or black?"
"I am who I am!" comes a booming response.
"See," says the white guy. "He is white!"
"Why would you assume that?!" asks the black guy. "He could just as easily be black!"
"If he was black, he would say, 'I is who I is."

Breakfast

An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come stumbling in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

So we all know about Gandhi right?

Well Gandhi as well know was a very important person who in recent times has taken on a mystic quality to some. He often fasted for long periods of time making him rather weak and fragile, he went barefoot for long periods of time and so it's fair to assume he built up lots and lots of callouses and he was reported at one point to have very bad breath because of a gum disease. This all means he was a...
Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis

I always assumed you took off your pants during a prostate exam

But apparently that's "not appropriate for a medical professional".

A physicist, a chemist, and an economist are stranded on an island with nothing to eat

A can of soup washes ashore.
The physicist says, "Let's smash the can open with a rock.
The chemist says, "Let's build a fire and heat the can first.
The economist says, "Let's assume that we have a can opener."  (Paul Samuelson)

My friend has gotten twelve auditions for movies in the last week alone.

I asked him how and all he could say was "It's this new medication". He never told me what it was, but I could safely assume that it was a fast acting drug.

Husband's night out

An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.
"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."
"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."

If you hear that someone prefers natural light.

You can assume they are not discussing beer.

Me: "How is it we assume that dinosaurs just roared... They could have talked like us, right?"

Interviewer: "I meant questions about the job..."

How to describe the YouTube comment section

They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists...
But some, I assume, are good people.

My friend was worried about the results of his h**... test, so I told him to assume he was going to die.

I don't see why he got angry at me though, I was just want him to be negative.

This Just In For News

A man apparently, we assume, was black, and we assume, was shot, and we assume, by a police officer. More details, we assume, later.

You know what they say about assuming things...

No I have no idea!!
Did you assume I did?!

The future

The world in 10 years...
MTV announcer: a new punk rock band making its way to the top 100...
Band leader: I'm sorry did you just assume our genre?

Blind Man

I just passed a blind man in home depot. He was dressed head to toe in camouflage. I assume he was trying to even the playing field. Well done sir. (True Story)

The power of Maths

One day, a box wouldn't open, a Lawyer came, applied all the laws he knew, it didn't open, a Chemist came, applied all reactions he knew, and the box wouldn't open, a Physicist came, applied all forces, it still didn't open, then a Mathematician came and said : " Let's assume the box is open "

Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.

"Some, I assume, are good people"

Guy asks his friend: "I heard you were out til 5 am last night. You must have been partying pretty hard?"

Friend: "Did you just assume my bender?!"

I want to name my new band "In search of 72 virgins".

That way people will just automatically assume we are the bomb.

I hate when people say "you never seem to have any free time"

How dare you assume my agenda

A man parks in a handicapped spot

One day a man parks in a handicapped spot. An elderly woman woman drives up from behind, beeps the man and says "young man your not disabled, you should not be parking here".
The man replies "did you just assume my gender".
"Oh my mistake" says the woman

Happy Mother's Day to my Dad

I didn't want to assume his gender

Like A Boss

Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.

I was looking for some razor blades on amazon today

I assume the ones with no reviews are the best.

The Romans executed tens of thousands by crucifixion, and...

you're just gonna assume the guy on my necklace is Jesus?

Proof that women are evil.

If we assume :
Women require time and money. Women = time * money
Time equals money. Women = money * money = money^2
Money is the root of all evil. Women = sqrt(evil))^2
Women are evil. Women = evil

Did you just assume the gender of that hurricane?

Irma not suppose to do that?

Me and You both have butts

That's what I ASSUME.

A Engineer, a Chemist and an Economist get stranded on a island.

From the ship that crashed, some canned food washed ashore.
The Engineer says We need to open the cans with these rocks
The Chemist says We could blow the top off using a combination of these minerals I've found
The Economist says Ok, so let's assume we have a can opener

I go to the chiropractor because my wife told me to.

At least I assume that's what she meant when she said, "Prove to me you have a spine."

People assume I'm vegetarian

Just this morning a lady recognized me from vegan club. I swear I never met herbivore

I approached a lesbian at a bar.

I wasn't aware she was a lesbian at the time, so I asked if she would like to go home with me.
"How rude!" she responded. "Did you just assume my sexuality? I'll have you know that I'm not interested in men!"
I'm a fairly progressive man, so I wasn't going to let her beat me at my own game.
"How rude!" I shouted, catching her attention as she walked away. "Did you just assume my gender?"

It's official Trump's inauguration date is now a National Holiday.

At least I assume so because the government shutdown for it.

A kid asks his mom why she's always bouncing on Daddy's tummy

This kid went to ask his mom one day why she's always bouncing on Daddy's tummy. He didn't understand and would assume that it would hurt.
The mom responded that she was doing that so that Daddy's tummy would not bloat up and get fat.
The kid then replied, "Mommy, that's never going to work because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up."

I was born in 1988, so you might think I'm a millennial

But please don't assume my generation. I actually identify as a baby boomer.

I'm 75 and someone assumed that I listen to AM radio...

How dare they stereotype me like that

Why are there no politically correct superheroes?

Because they don't want to assume the villain's agenda.

If your username is Mike68, I assume you're 50 years old.

If it's Mike69, I assume you are something like 13 years old.

Assume your office is a Temple.

Assume your office is a Temple and your boss is GOD, and you are an athiest for a happy life.

A woman approaches me as I'm playing my guitar. "Excuse me, is that a Squier Stratocaster?" I may have overreacted when I responded:

"DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY FENDER?!"

Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss",

I assume that means they didn't do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.

Diapers are like guns...

You always have to assume they're loaded.

I had a meeting with my boss today. He said "are we going to discuss sales figures followed by recruitment?"

Did he just assume my agenda?

Due to the amount of coincidence that happened for h**... to become a dictator

We can safley assume that if there is a god, he sure isn't jewish

A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face

Random dirty joke

Girl 1: Hey, that's a nice bike. When you get her?
Girl 2: Her? Did you just assume my bike's gender?
Girl 1: Well I find it hard to believe any guy lets you ride them willingly.

Me: Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

It's not right to assume that a janitor can clean your chimney.

You shouldn't make sweeping generalizations.

"mom, dad, I have something important to tell you: I'm straight"

Parents: "You do realize we just assume you're straight until you tell us otherwise, yes?"
Child: "HA! Got you! April fools!"

Did you know that only 1 in 4 US Adults with children have a Will?

The rest gave them some other names, I assume.

I would assume spiders adapted pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they were already comfortable on the web.

Yesterday, UK protesters tore down monuments of Boris Johnson and Theresa May

Lawyers assume that they will be charged for a statue-tory crime

What does Excel have in common with an incel?

Both will incorrectly assume that something is a date.

A new and easy test for COVID-19

Take a glass and pour your favourite spirit, then see if you can smell it.
If you can then you are halfway there.
Then drink it and if you can taste it then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus.
I tested myself nine times last night and was virus free every time, thank goodness.
I will have to test myself again today, as I have a headache, which can also be one of the symptoms!!!

If you see a bunch of b**... birds

Don't automatically assume it's a m**... of crows.
You can't have a m**... without probable caws.

Assume joke, If you see a bunch of b**... birds

jokes about assume

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these assume jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.