The Best 83 Assume Jokes

Following is our collection of Assume jokes which are very funny. There are some assume expect jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these assume assumption puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

A geologist, physicist and an economist are marooned on a desert island with nothing to eat.

A can of soup washes ashore. They ponder how to open it. The geologist says, 'Let's smash it open with a rock.' The physicist says, 'Let's heat it up and blow it open.' The economist says, 'No, no. You guys will lose most of the soup. Let's just assume we have a can opener.'

If I was addicted to masturbation and then I got addicted to sex...

Would it be safe to assume my addiction got out of hand?

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.

Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face

Redneck Logic Joke

Two rednecks, Hunter and Cooter decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the Cooter asked.

The counselor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the counselor.

"That's real good!" said Cooter.

The counselor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, Cooter said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

Cooter was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the counselor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

Cooter, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Hunter was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked Hunter.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied Cooter.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked Hunter.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked Cooter.

"No," Hunter replied.

"Then you're gay."

Two economists fall into a hole

they realize they are trapped, and so they come up with a plan. The first step in their plan is... assume a ladder.


So people are loading into an airplane

And the pilot of this airplane is blind. At the end of the take off strip is a huge lake. All the people on the plane are relaxing reading books and talking to each other as the airplane starts to roll down the strip. A few people see that they are heading towards a lake but they assume the pilot knows what he's doing. The airplane is going dangerously close to the lake and the plane is still not taking off, at this point people are starting panic. The plane is still not taking off and it's way too close to the lake. At this point everyone on the plane is screaming and yelling because the plane is about to plunge into the lake at the end of the strip. The plane is about 10 feet away from the lake then it lifts off the ground and takes off. The passengers calm down slowly and return to reading and talking . In the front of the plane the pilot laughs to himself and mumbles "one of these days the passengers won't scream and we'll all die."

A man walks up to a counter and says . . .

A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"Well-"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"
"Well . . . this is a hardware store."

Blind pilots

A plane is preparing for takeoff with a full load of passengers when the pilot and copilot board--both with dark sunglasses and tapping walking sticks for guidance. The passengers are understandably uncomfortable, but assume it must be some sort of practical joke, so they say nothing.

As the plane begins to accelerate, the passengers see the end of the runway rapidly approaching, with certain doom awaiting at the end if the pilots really can't see what they're doing. Just before the end of the runway, all the passengers scream together--right before the plane lifts off. They're a little upset, but relieved that the pilots aren't really blind.

In the cockpit, the pilot turned to his copilot and remarked: "you know, Lou, one of these days they're not going to scream in time, and then we'll be in real trouble!"

Dead Baby Jokes Thread!

I assume there's another one of these, but let's bring some freshness. I'll start us off.

Q: How do you get a baby to stop crawling in circles?
A: Nail its other hand to the floor.

This guy is shopping, see, and he approaches the clerk and asks him..

.."Excuse me, where is the Polish sausage?"
"Oh," says the clerk, "Are you Polish?"
"Whaat?" says the guy, indignantly."Are you serious? If I asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? If I asked for bagels, would you assume I was Jewish? Jeez!"
"No, I certainly would not. " said the clerk.
"Then why'd you ask if I was Polish?"
"Because, Sir," says the clerk, "This is Home Depot."

A chemist, a physicist, and an economist...

are all trapped on a desert island, trying to figure out how to open a can of food.

"Let's heat the can over the fire until the can explodes" says the chemist.

"No, no," says the physicist, "lets drop the can onto the rocks from the top of a tall tree"

"I have an idea," says the economist. "First, we assume a can opener..."

Top Assume Puns and Funny Jokes

You can explore assume evenly reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean assume oops dad jokes. There are also assume puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Thanks, Rodney

(Assume the Dangerfield voice) "My wife and me don't get along too good, y'know? She said she was gonna cut me down to once a month. Once a month!

"Yeah, I guess it's not so bad. I know two guys she cut off completely!"

Why do I hear noises?

(Teacher) "With all this talking I assume you are done with your work"

(Student) "And with all this complaining I assume you're single"

A black man and a white man are arguing about whether God is black or white

They decided to climb to the top of the tallest mountain and call out to God with the hopes of getting a response.

"God! Are you white or black?"

"I am who I am!" comes a booming response.

"See," says the white guy. "He is white!"

"Why would you assume that?!" asks the black guy. "He could just as easily be black!"

"If he was black, he would say, 'I is who I is."

Breakfast

An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come stumbling in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

So we all know about Gandhi right?

Well Gandhi as well know was a very important person who in recent times has taken on a mystic quality to some. He often fasted for long periods of time making him rather weak and fragile, he went barefoot for long periods of time and so it's fair to assume he built up lots and lots of callouses and he was reported at one point to have very bad breath because of a gum disease. This all means he was a...

Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis

I always assumed you took off your pants during a prostate exam

But apparently that's "not appropriate for a medical professional".

My friend has gotten twelve auditions for movies in the last week alone.

I asked him how and all he could say was "It's this new medication". He never told me what it was, but I could safely assume that it was a fast acting drug.

Husband's night out

An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.

"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."

"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."


If you hear that someone prefers natural light.

You can assume they are not discussing beer.

Today I saw a poor, old woman trip and fall.

At least, I assume she was poor. She only had $4.75 in her purse.

I saw someone try to park a car for about 10 minutes.

I didn't see the driver so I'm not going to assume what gender she was.

Me: "How is it we assume that dinosaurs just roared... They could have talked like us, right?"

Interviewer: "I meant questions about the job..."

How to describe the YouTube comment section

They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists...

But some, I assume, are good people.

My friend was worried about the results of his HIV test, so I told him to assume he was going to die.

I don't see why he got angry at me though, I was just want him to be negative.

Hi, I'm black, and I can't stand it when people assume we're all criminals

-Sent from your iPhone.

This Just In For News

A man apparently, we assume, was black, and we assume, was shot, and we assume, by a police officer. More details, we assume, later.

You know what they say about assuming things...

No I have no idea!!
Did you assume I did?!

How does an economist open a can of beans?

"Assume you have a can opener..."

The future

The world in 10 years...

MTV announcer: a new punk rock band making its way to the top 100...

Band leader: I'm sorry did you just assume our genre?

Blind Man

I just passed a blind man in home depot. He was dressed head to toe in camouflage. I assume he was trying to even the playing field. Well done sir. (True Story)

The power of Maths

One day, a box wouldn't open, a Lawyer came, applied all the laws he knew, it didn't open, a Chemist came, applied all reactions he knew, and the box wouldn't open, a Physicist came, applied all forces, it still didn't open, then a Mathematician came and said : " Let's assume the box is open "

"Cash or Debit?"

"Did you just assume my tender?!"

Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.

"Some, I assume, are good people"

Guy asks his friend: "I heard you were out til 5 am last night. You must have been partying pretty hard?"

Friend: "Did you just assume my bender?!"

I want to name my new band "In search of 72 virgins".

That way people will just automatically assume we are the bomb.

I hate when people say "you never seem to have any free time"

How dare you assume my agenda

A man parks in a handicapped spot

One day a man parks in a handicapped spot. An elderly woman woman drives up from behind, beeps the man and says "young man your not disabled, you should not be parking here".

The man replies "did you just assume my gender".

"Oh my mistake" says the woman

Happy Mother's Day to my Dad

I didn't want to assume his gender

Like A Boss

Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.

I was looking for some razor blades on amazon today

I assume the ones with no reviews are the best.

The Romans executed tens of thousands by crucifixion, and...

you're just gonna assume the guy on my necklace is Jesus?

Proof that women are evil.

If we assume :

Women require time and money. Women = time * money

Time equals money. Women = money * money = money^2

Money is the root of all evil. Women = sqrt(evil))^2

Women are evil. Women = evil

Did you just assume the gender of that hurricane?

Irma not suppose to do that?

You ever go to pay cash, but the cashier has already handed you the card machine?

I'm like... "Did you just assume my tender?"

Me and You both have butts

That's what I ASSUME.

You can't judge a book by its cover

Now you can't even assume it's a book

A Engineer, a Chemist and an Economist get stranded on a island.

From the ship that crashed, some canned food washed ashore.

The Engineer says We need to open the cans with these rocks

The Chemist says We could blow the top off using a combination of these minerals I've found

The Economist says Ok, so let's assume we have a can opener

I go to the chiropractor because my wife told me to.

At least I assume that's what she meant when she said, "Prove to me you have a spine."

Why does everyone assume that just because I'm a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent's basement?

My parents don't have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.

People assume I'm vegetarian

Just this morning a lady recognized me from vegan club. I swear I never met herbivore

If a woman tells you that she's Bi...

...assume it's Polar. Huge time saver.

I approached a lesbian at a bar.

I wasn't aware she was a lesbian at the time, so I asked if she would like to go home with me.

"How rude!" she responded. "Did you just assume my sexuality? I'll have you know that I'm not interested in men!"

I'm a fairly progressive man, so I wasn't going to let her beat me at my own game.

"How rude!" I shouted, catching her attention as she walked away. "Did you just assume my gender?"

It's official Trump's inauguration date is now a National Holiday.

At least I assume so because the government shutdown for it.

A kid asks his mom why she's always bouncing on Daddy's tummy

This kid went to ask his mom one day why she's always bouncing on Daddy's tummy. He didn't understand and would assume that it would hurt.

The mom responded that she was doing that so that Daddy's tummy would not bloat up and get fat.

The kid then replied, "Mommy, that's never going to work because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up."

People always assume I've never seen Fight Club

But I just don't talk about it.

I was born in 1988, so you might think I'm a millennial

But please don't assume my generation. I actually identify as a baby boomer.

What did the trans-textual book say to the librarian?

"Did you just assume my genre?"

I'm 75 and someone assumed that I listen to AM radio...

How dare they stereotype me like that

Why are there no politically correct superheroes?

Because they don't want to assume the villain's agenda.

If your username is Mike68, I assume you're 50 years old.

If it's Mike69, I assume you are something like 13 years old.

Assume your office is a Temple.

Assume your office is a Temple and your boss is GOD, and you are an athiest for a happy life.

A woman approaches me as I'm playing my guitar. "Excuse me, is that a Squier Stratocaster?" I may have overreacted when I responded:

"DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY FENDER?!"

Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss",

I assume that means they didn't do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.

Diapers are like guns...

You always have to assume they're loaded.

I had a meeting with my boss today. He said "are we going to discuss sales figures followed by recruitment?"

Did he just assume my agenda?

Due to the amount of coincidence that happened for Hitler to become a dictator

We can safley assume that if there is a god, he sure isn't jewish

A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

He lies on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.

Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face

Random dirty joke

Girl 1: Hey, that's a nice bike. When you get her?

Girl 2: Her? Did you just assume my bike's gender?

Girl 1: Well I find it hard to believe any guy lets you ride them willingly.

Me: Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

I was accused of mansplaining...

So I asked them, "Did you just assume my gender?"

It's not right to assume that a janitor can clean your chimney.

You shouldn't make sweeping generalizations.

"mom, dad, I have something important to tell you: I'm straight"

Parents: "You do realize we just assume you're straight until you tell us otherwise, yes?"

Child: "HA! Got you! April fools!"

Did you know that only 1 in 4 US Adults with children have a Will?

The rest gave them some other names, I assume.

I would assume spiders adapted pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they were already comfortable on the web.

Yesterday, UK protesters tore down monuments of Boris Johnson and Theresa May

Lawyers assume that they will be charged for a statue-tory crime

What does Excel have in common with an incel?

Both will incorrectly assume that something is a date.

Is it sexist....

...I just assume Dr. Pepper is a guy?

A new and easy test for COVID-19

Take a glass and pour your favourite spirit, then see if you can smell it.
If you can then you are halfway there.

Then drink it and if you can taste it then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus.

I tested myself nine times last night and was virus free every time, thank goodness.
I will have to test myself again today, as I have a headache, which can also be one of the symptoms!!!

If you see a bunch of big black birds

Don't automatically assume it's a murder of crows.

You can't have a murder without probable caws.

What can you always assume when buying a used BMW?

The turn signal will always be in brand-new condition.

A police officer pulls a man over

"Licence and registration!" - the police officer says.

"Certainly, officer!", replies the civilian.

"Do you know why I pulled you over?", asks the officer.

The civilian replies: "I assume you are collecting donations for the policemans' ball."

"Sir, the police doesn't have balls.", the officer says.

There is a moment of silence, and then the officer just hands the civilian his documentation, goes back to his car and drives away.

I used to assume that if a chef is fat, it means that their food is good.

Then I learned: Never judge a cook by his blubber.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the assume postulate jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working assume presume piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes