Assume Jokes
119 assume jokes and hilarious assume puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about assume that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Assume Short Jokes
Short assume jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The assume humour may include short assumption jokes also.
- I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast. Since she can't even beat an egg
- Today I saw a poor, old woman trip and fall. At least, I assume she was poor. She only had $4.75 in her purse.
- Why does everyone assume that just because I'm a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent's basement? My parents don't have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.
- I saw someone try to park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn't see the driver so I'm not going to assume what gender she was.
- You ever go to pay cash, but the cashier has already handed you the card machine? I'm like... "Did you just assume my tender?"
- Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. "Some, I assume, are good people"
- A woman approaches me as I'm playing my guitar. "Excuse me, is that a Squier Stratocaster?" I may have overreacted when I responded: "DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY FENDER?!"
- I was looking for some razor blades on amazon today I assume the ones with no reviews are the best.
- If you were born in September It's safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang !
- Me: "How is it we assume that dinosaurs just roared... They could have talked like us, right?" Interviewer: "I meant questions about the job..."
Share These Assume Jokes With Friends
Assume One Liners
Which assume one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with assume? I can suggest the ones about expect and ensure.
- You can't judge a book by its cover Now you can't even assume it's a book
- "Cash or Debit?" "Did you just assume my tender?!"
- I met a hot girl. We had dinner yesterday. At least I'm assuming she had dinner.
- It turns out that 60's rocker Steppenwolf was an assumed name. He was born Toby Wild.
- How does a physicist milk a cow? First, he assumes the cow is a sphere.
- What did the trans-textual book say to the librarian? "Did you just assume my genre?"
- When you said friends with benefits … … I assumed you offered a dental plan.
- My wife constantly complains that I don't listen to her Or at least, I assume she does.
- Is it sexist.... ...I just assume Dr. Pepper is a guy?
- A guy walks into a bar She then started yelling at me for assuming her gender
- Saw a link to this guy speaking Xhosa ..but I assumed it was just clickbait.
- How does an economist open a can of beans? "Assume you have a can opener..."
- I was accused of mansplaining... So I asked them, "Did you just assume my gender?"
- Me and You both have butts That's what I ASSUME.
- Did you just assume the gender of that hurricane? Irma not suppose to do that?
Witty Assume Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about assume you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean predict jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make assume pranks.
A geologist, physicist and an economist are marooned on a desert island with nothing to eat.
A can of soup washes ashore. They ponder how to open it. The geologist says, 'Let's smash it open with a rock.' The physicist says, 'Let's heat it up and blow it open.' The economist says, 'No, no. You guys will lose most of the soup. Let's just assume we have a can opener.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If I was addicted to m**... and then I got addicted to s**......
Would it be safe to assume my addiction got out of hand?
A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
r**... Logic Joke
Two r**..., Hunter and c**... decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the c**... asked.
The counselor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a w**... eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the counselor.
"That's real good!" said c**....
The counselor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, c**... said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
c**... was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the counselor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
c**..., proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Hunter was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked Hunter.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied c**....
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked Hunter.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a w**... eater?" asked c**....
"No," Hunter replied.
"Then you're gay."
Two economists fall into a hole
they realize they are trapped, and so they come up with a plan. The first step in their plan is... assume a ladder.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So people are loading into an airplane
And the pilot of this airplane is blind. At the end of the take off s**... is a huge lake. All the people on the plane are relaxing reading books and talking to each other as the airplane starts to roll down the s**.... A few people see that they are heading towards a lake but they assume the pilot knows what he's doing. The airplane is going dangerously close to the lake and the plane is still not taking off, at this point people are starting panic. The plane is still not taking off and it's way too close to the lake. At this point everyone on the plane is screaming and yelling because the plane is about to plunge into the lake at the end of the s**.... The plane is about 10 feet away from the lake then it lifts off the ground and takes off. The passengers calm down slowly and return to reading and talking . In the front of the plane the pilot laughs to himself and mumbles "one of these days the passengers won't scream and we'll all die."
A man walks up to a counter and says . . .
A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"Well-"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"
"Well . . . this is a hardware store."
Blind pilots
A plane is preparing for takeoff with a full load of passengers when the pilot and copilot board--both with dark sunglasses and tapping walking sticks for guidance. The passengers are understandably uncomfortable, but assume it must be some sort of practical joke, so they say nothing.
As the plane begins to accelerate, the passengers see the end of the runway rapidly approaching, with certain doom awaiting at the end if the pilots really can't see what they're doing. Just before the end of the runway, all the passengers scream together--right before the plane lifts off. They're a little upset, but relieved that the pilots aren't really blind.
In the cockpit, the pilot turned to his copilot and remarked: "you know, Lou, one of these days they're not going to scream in time, and then we'll be in real trouble!"
Dead Baby Jokes Thread!
I assume there's another one of these, but let's bring some freshness. I'll start us off.
Q: How do you get a baby to stop crawling in circles?
A: Nail its other hand to the floor.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This guy is shopping, see, and he approaches the clerk and asks him..
.."Excuse me, where is the Polish sausage?"
"Oh," says the clerk, "Are you Polish?"
"Whaat?" says the guy, indignantly."Are you serious? If I asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? If I asked for bagels, would you assume I was Jewish? Jeez!"
"No, I certainly would not. " said the clerk.
"Then why'd you ask if I was Polish?"
"Because, Sir," says the clerk, "This is Home Depot."
A chemist, a physicist, and an economist...
are all trapped on a desert island, trying to figure out how to open a can of food.
"Let's heat the can over the fire until the can explodes" says the chemist.
"No, no," says the physicist, "lets drop the can onto the rocks from the top of a tall tree"
"I have an idea," says the economist. "First, we assume a can opener..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Thanks, Rodney
(Assume the Dangerfield voice) "My wife and me don't get along too good, y'know? She said she was gonna cut me down to once a month. Once a month!
"Yeah, I guess it's not so bad. I know two guys she cut off completely!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Every time I have s**... with a woman I always assume she has h**......
...that way I don't have to tell her about mine.
Why do I hear noises?
(Teacher) "With all this talking I assume you are done with your work"
(Student) "And with all this complaining I assume you're single"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A black man and a white man are arguing about whether God is black or white
They decided to climb to the top of the tallest mountain and call out to God with the hopes of getting a response.
"God! Are you white or black?"
"I am who I am!" comes a booming response.
"See," says the white guy. "He is white!"
"Why would you assume that?!" asks the black guy. "He could just as easily be black!"
"If he was black, he would say, 'I is who I is."
I always assumed you took off your pants during a prostate exam
But apparently that's "not appropriate for a medical professional".
Lets assume that bungie patches the 2 swords strategy on crota
And they put the sword barers on a 1 at a time timer should they add time to crota's enrage timer and the ogre timers?
My friend has gotten twelve auditions for movies in the last week alone.
I asked him how and all he could say was "It's this new medication". He never told me what it was, but I could safely assume that it was a fast acting drug.
Husband's night out
An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.
"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."
"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."
If you hear that someone prefers natural light.
You can assume they are not discussing beer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend was worried about the results of his h**... test, so I told him to assume he was going to die.
I don't see why he got angry at me though, I was just want him to be negative.
This Just In For News
A man apparently, we assume, was black, and we assume, was shot, and we assume, by a police officer. More details, we assume, later.
Friend 1 "hey dude what's your PSN name?"
Friend 2 "did you just assume my platform!"
You know what they say about assuming things...
No I have no idea!!
Did you assume I did?!
The future
The world in 10 years...
MTV announcer: a new punk rock band making its way to the top 100...
Band leader: I'm sorry did you just assume our genre?
Blind Man
I just passed a blind man in home depot. He was dressed head to toe in camouflage. I assume he was trying to even the playing field. Well done sir. (True Story)
The power of Maths
One day, a box wouldn't open, a Lawyer came, applied all the laws he knew, it didn't open, a Chemist came, applied all reactions he knew, and the box wouldn't open, a Physicist came, applied all forces, it still didn't open, then a Mathematician came and said : " Let's assume the box is open "
"You know what happens when you assume?"
"Your mom tells the story of your conception"
Guy asks his friend: "I heard you were out til 5 am last night. You must have been partying pretty hard?"
Friend: "Did you just assume my bender?!"
I want to name my new band "In search of 72 virgins".
That way people will just automatically assume we are the bomb.
I hate when people say "you never seem to have any free time"
How dare you assume my agenda
A man parks in a handicapped spot
One day a man parks in a handicapped spot. An elderly woman woman drives up from behind, beeps the man and says "young man your not disabled, you should not be parking here".
The man replies "did you just assume my gender".
"Oh my mistake" says the woman
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whenever someone uses the phrase "hot to trot"
I assume they're talking about a s**... centaur
Happy Mother's Day to my Dad
I didn't want to assume his gender
Ceremony presenter: "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...."
The audience, in unison: "DID YOU JUST ASSUME OUR GENDERS?!"
Like A Boss
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
Someone asked if I was pregnant today...
And I said, "did you just assume my gender?"
If I meet my lawyer over dinner to give him more work
... does that constitute a mandate?
*Disclaimer*: No, I don't assume all lawyers are male
A runner is running a 5k
A runner is running a 5k, when another runner comes up to him. He asks him, "Are you running the 10k race?"
He replies, "Did you just assume my race?"
The Romans executed tens of thousands by crucifixion, and...
you're just gonna assume the guy on my necklace is Jesus?
What did the government say to the contractor who thought they won the bid but complained when they found out otherwise?
Did you just assume my vendor?
There's a huge stigma attached to me because I'm tall and handsome.
People instantly assume that I'm pompous.
I go to the chiropractor because my wife told me to.
At least I assume that's what she meant when she said, "Prove to me you have a spine."
People assume I'm vegetarian
Just this morning a lady recognized me from vegan club. I swear I never met herbivore
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I approached a lesbian at a bar.
I wasn't aware she was a lesbian at the time, so I asked if she would like to go home with me.
"How rude!" she responded. "Did you just assume my sexuality? I'll have you know that I'm not interested in men!"
I'm a fairly progressive man, so I wasn't going to let her beat me at my own game.
"How rude!" I shouted, catching her attention as she walked away. "Did you just assume my gender?"
It's official Trump's inauguration date is now a National Holiday.
At least I assume so because the government shutdown for it.
I assume my mom and dad met at church...
I mean, they always call each other brother and sister.
I was born in 1988, so you might think I'm a millennial
But please don't assume my generation. I actually identify as a baby boomer.
My neighbor took a guess at what kind of guitar I have yesterday.
I replied, "Did you just assume my fender?"
I'm 75 and someone assumed that I listen to AM radio...
How dare they stereotype me like that
Why are there no politically correct superheroes?
Because they don't want to assume the villain's agenda.
they say we shouldn't assume ones gender in 2018...
When did we become so risk conscious?
I'll take 50/50 odds any day!
If your username is Mike68, I assume you're 50 years old.
If it's Mike69, I assume you are something like 13 years old.
Assume your office is a Temple.
Assume your office is a Temple and your boss is GOD, and you are an athiest for a happy life.
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss",
I assume that means they didn't do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
What do you assume when a pirate is wearing a top hat?
He's probably going to a parrrty.
Diapers are like guns...
You always have to assume they're loaded.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY GENDER YOU CIS s**...?!
I had a meeting with my boss today. He said "are we going to discuss sales figures followed by recruitment?"
Did he just assume my agenda?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Due to the amount of coincidence that happened for h**... to become a dictator
We can safley assume that if there is a god, he sure isn't jewish
A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Random dirty joke
Girl 1: Hey, that's a nice bike. When you get her?
Girl 2: Her? Did you just assume my bike's gender?
Girl 1: Well I find it hard to believe any guy lets you ride them willingly.
It's not right to assume that a janitor can clean your chimney.
You shouldn't make sweeping generalizations.
"mom, dad, I have something important to tell you: I'm straight"
Parents: "You do realize we just assume you're straight until you tell us otherwise, yes?"
Child: "HA! Got you! April fools!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Since it's, I assume, mainly r**... that'll follow Trump's advice...
Does this count as ethnic cleansing?
How can Homestuck Cosplayers teach us about diseases?
Assume a Homestuck cosplayer walks into a con, wearing body paint.
By the end of the con, everyone will walk out with that body paint on them in some way.
Did you know that only 1 in 4 US Adults with children have a Will?
The rest gave them some other names, I assume.
