Assisted Living Jokes

12 assisted living jokes and hilarious assisted living puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about assisted living that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Assisted Living Short Jokes

Short assisted living jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The assisted living humour may include short retirement living jokes also.

  1. I went to buy a Christmas tree the other day, and the shop assistant said "Are you thinking if putting it up yourself?" I said "no, i was thinking the living room".
  2. Yoko Ono is apparently being lined up to assist with the bush tucker trials in the I'm a Celebrity jungle. After all she has been living off a dead beetle for the last 36 years.
  3. We moved my 87 year old grandma into a nursing facility run by nuns It's assistered living
  4. A teller at our credit union was assisting a member with a loan application.
    "Do you have references?" she asked.
    The member replied, "Do they have to be living?"

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Assisted Living Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about assisted living you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean assistance jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make assisted living pranks.

The double meaning of Christmas!

I bought a new 6 foot, artificial, LED Christmas tree yesterday.
The sales assistant asked " Are you putting this up yourself sir?"
"No, it's going in the living room as usual" I replied.

Seeking jokes for my grandmother who has dementia

My 90 year old grandma is in an assisted living home due to her dementia. She has been feeling isolated (no visits due to Covid).
I have decided to start calling her everyday with a "Joke Of The Day" but I need your help with grandma friendly jokes.
All submissions are greatly appreciated (and any tips for connecting remotely with someone who has dementia and is unable to work any technology). Thank you in advance!

Grandma's Password

My 100 year old grandma asked me to set up a security camera, so she could see who was stealing her clothes at her assisted living facility, so I brought over a wireless camera and started to install an app on her IPAD for monitoring.
I needed her Apple ID to download the app, so I asked her what her password was.
She poked around in her notebook, and said "required".
It was the wrong password, so I told her, and she looked up at me and said, 'I know that it is right. I remember it said, "Your password is required."'

An active and successful widowed man finds himself at the end of his days in an upscale assisted living home.

His consoling and rich friends came to spend the last days with the man. While he was still coherent, they decide to hire him a h**... for a final hurrah.
They make the arrangements and the beautiful bubbly woman arrives at the nursing home for the assist a while later. She tells the man Your friends sent me here to give you some super s**...!
The man contemplated a bit and carefully replies to the woman I think I'll have the soup.

At a welcome seminar at a senior assisted living facility...

...the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules: "The female sleeping quarters will be of limits for all males, and likewise the male dormitory to the females.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time".
He continued "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired... "How much for a season pass?"

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith

and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations that he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD! God, I need food. I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries."
The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "HA...HA. I told you there was no Lord! I bought those groceries, myself! God didn't!"
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, "PRAISE THE LORD! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the Devil pay for them! PRAISE THE LORD!"

Assisted Living

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in an assisted living home.
Unfortunately, all the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit their

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful, everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong
place for you. You know, since you are a little different from

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the
residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the
violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him "Maestro".

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on
the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him "Your Honor".

"And there's a physician here that is 90 years old. He hasn't
practiced medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him

"And me, I haven't had s**... for 35 years and they still call me 'The
F---ing Mexican"

Pastor and the Housekeeper

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in
the main rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and
his housekeeper. One day the pastor invited his new
young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory.
While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely
and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his
heart he wondered if there was more between the pastor
and the housekeeper.
After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured
the young priest that everything was purely professional...that
she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.
About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor
and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came
for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful
silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do
you?" The Pastor said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write
him a letter."
So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying
you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you
did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
it has been missing since you were here for dinner."
The young assistant received the letter and he answered
it as follows: "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that
you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying
that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do
know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you
would find the gravy ladle."