Assistant Jokes

Can't get enough of assistant jokes? Check out this collection of hilarious jokes for assistant principal, assistant manager, assistant director, assistant coach, Google assistant, dental assistant, physician assistant, medical assistant, teaching assistant, supervisor, associate, and attendant. You're sure to be entertained and laughing out loud!

Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Assistant Jokes with Friends.

A woman goes into a store...

and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos.

She asks what are they made of.

The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.

The woman said she could not afford that.

The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.

The pharmacist

Peter walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store.

The next day he comes in again, buys condoms, and walks out laughing.

Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back.

Sure enough, Peter comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

So did you follow him? asks pharmacist

Yup.

Where did he go?

Your house.

Did you hear about the butcher's assistant who ditched work to try out for the football team?

He didn't make the cut.

A physics professor and his assistant...

A physics professor and his assistant are working on liberating negatively-charged hydroxyl ions, when all of a sudden, the assistant says, "Wait, professor, what if the salicylic acids do not accept the hydroxyl ions?" And the professor responds, "That's no hydroxyl ion; that's my wife!"

jokes about assistant

A man enters a pet shop...

...and wants to buy a polar bear. The shop assistant takes the man to the bear's cage and says: "The polar bear is absolutely tamed, but whatever you do, don't touch his nose."
The man goes home with his new pet and everything is OK. Until the man can't no longer withstand: "I have to try what happens, when I touch his nose!" So he touches the nose and the polar bear leaps towards him and chases the man throughout the house.
Finally the man runs out of breath and the polar bear catches him. With his paw the bear taps the man's shoulder and says: "You are it!"

The double meaning of Christmas!

I bought a new 6 foot, artificial, LED Christmas tree yesterday.

The sales assistant asked " Are you putting this up yourself sir?"

"No, it's going in the living room as usual" I replied.

Raisin Bread

A baker hires a young female assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and a thong. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and then at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The girl nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, gets an excellent view just as he planned. Once she comes down he says he should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As the girl retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see her climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man: "Is it raisin for you, too?" "No," stammers the old man: "but it's quivering a bit!"

Assistant joke, Raisin Bread

Office assistant is throwing darts at a picture of her boss.

Phone rings. It's the boss.
Boss: What are you doing right now?
Assistant: Missing you.

A farmer has a new handsome assistant

A farmer has a new handsome assistant. One morning they want to go out into the fields to work. At the garden gate the farmer sees that the roads are muddy and realizes that he forgot his rubber boots (Wellingtons for the Brits ;)
He tells his assistant to go get the boots from the house. The assistant returns and finds the farmers very pretty wife, along with the equally pretty daughter sitting in the kitchen. He tells them: "The farmer just said it would be alright if I had sex with you right now!" The women look sceptical, so the assistant opens the window and shouts to the farmer: "Both?"
Farmer: "Of course both of them, what do you think?!"

My butcher's assistant is a little person. I tried to bet him he couldn't sell me one of his top-shelf filets.

"No bet," he said. "The steaks are too high."

What did the scientist say to his hot assistant?

"There's only gonna be 7 planets left after I destroy Uranus."

You can explore assistant attendant reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean assistant receptionist dad jokes. There are also assistant puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

A pharmacist walked into his shop....

.... to find a man leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant.
"He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any
so I gave him an entire box of laxatives."
"You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives."
"Of course you can" the assistant replied,
"Look at him........he daren't cough now!!"

A Pharmacist goes out for lunch

A pharmacist goes out for lunch and leaves his assistant to tend the customers. An hour passes and he returns and sees a man sitting awkwardly. He asks his assistant about the man and his assistant told him the man came in with a bad cough and that he had given him a powerful laxative. The pharmacist yelled "laxatives aren't for coughs!" The assistant replied, oh yea? He hasn't coughed anymore, He's scared to.

The German tax evader in Switzerland

A German wants to bring his untaxed savings to a number account in Switzerland.

He sneaks into the bank, looks around and whispers to the bank assistant:
"Psst! I've got 2 million euros in my suitcase!"

The bank assistant replies in a normal voice:
"Why do you try to be so unsuspicious? Poverty is not a shame in Switzerland."

A man asks a blacksmith to refine some ore....

The blacksmith says "put the ore on the bench, then beat it. I'll do it once I've finished up at the grindstone". The man says to the blacksmiths assistant "that was rude" and the assistant replies "what can I say, he has an axe to grind".

Cutting Pizza - A blonde Joke

A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

Assistant joke, Cutting Pizza - A blonde Joke

What did the zoophile scientist say to his assistant?

If you need me I'll be in my lab

A blind man walks into a shop...

...he picks his guide dog up by the tail and starts to swing it around his head. "Can I help you!?" Asks the shop assistant. "No thanks" said the man, "I'm just looking around."

A guy walks into a bookstore...

A guy walks into a bookstore and asks the assistant, "Hey, do you know if you guys have the new book for guys with short penises?"

The assistant says, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

Guy says, "Yeah, that's the one!"

A blind man and his guide dog walk into a shop

He grabs the dog by the tail and starts swinging it around his head.

The shop assistant, baffled, approaches the man and asks if everything's ok.

"Fine", replies the blind man.
"I'm just looking around".

What an Idea..!!!

My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory.

Why didn't I think of that?

A guy escaped from the lunatic asylum.

He broke into the local laundromat, banged the female assistant and ran off.

Headline in the local newspaper next day read,

"Nut Screws Washer and Bolts .

An employee and her boss are having sex.

Boss: Do you want to change positions?
Employee: Uh yeah. Can I be the Assistant Manager?

Selling Condoms

An 18-yr-old starts work as a pharmacist's assistant. The pharmacist is showing the new kid around the aisles when they stop at the condom display and the kid asks why they come in different quantities per package.

The pharmacist tells the noob that the 3-packs are for high school guy, who gets it on once on Friday night, once on Saturday and once on Sunday.
The 6-packs are for the more-experienced college guys, who do it twice each on Friday night, Saturday and Sunday.

So the kid says, "what about these 12-packs?"

The pharmacist replies "the 12-packs are for the guys who've been married for a long time - January, February, March..."

My dominatrix is busy training a new assistant...

I guess she's showing her the ropes.

A guy walks into a pharmacy buys a pack of condoms and walks out laughing

He does this every day consecutive for a week. Finally the pharmacy owner asks his assistant to follow the man the next time he returns. Sure enough the man returns the next day and walks out laughing once again. The assistant follows him and returns about half an hour later. When the pharmacist asked where he had followed him the assistant simply replied "your house".

Assistant joke, A guy walks into a pharmacy buys a pack of condoms and walks out laughing

A man visits a mental hospital.

He sees a patient with torn clothes & unkempt hair shouting "Julie !! Julie !!"

He asks the assistant about the reason for the patient'sΒ  behavior. Asst says the patient used to love a girl called Julie but couldn't marry her. So he became mad.

The man visits the next ward. There also he sees another patient with torn clothes & unkempt hair shouting

"Julie !! Julie !!"

The man looks at the assistant.
The assistant says "This one married Julie"

I tried to sell my Thomas the Tank Engine train set at an antiques store today.

"You would have got more for it if the fat controller wasn't missing." Said the assistant.

"Yeah, you're probably right." I replied. "She's good at haggling."

I asked an Ikea assistant to get out of my way.

He said, You're going to have to make me.

So I was at the Red Cross...

Shopping for a stretcher. The assistant asked if I'd like try it out before I bought it. I thought "Nah, I don't wanna get carried away."

God finishes creating the man

His angel assistant asks him: "Are we done"?

God says: "Yes. Wait, actually, no. Just add another little toe to his feet."

Assistant: "Why?"

God: "For home furniture."

Assistant: "Furniture?"

God: "Trust me, it's going to be hillarious."

When god created man

Gods assistant: Is it done?

God: Hmm, add a little toe to his foot.

Gods assistant: Why?

God: For furniture.

Gods assistant: Furniture?

God: Believe me it'll be funny

God making the human race

Assistant: Is it done?
God: Hmmm, add a little toe.
Assistant: Why?
God: Furniture.
Assistant: Furniture?
God: Believe me, it wil be fun.

Roy Moor arrived at the polling station on a horse

His assistant misunderstood when Roy said he wanted to ride a 6 Year old bareback

A woman was picking through the frozen turkeys at the local supermarket,

But she was having trouble finding one that was large enough for her family.

She decided to ask the shop assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The shop assistant replied, "No ma'am, they're dead.."

Sex with my wife was getting boring so I hired a sexy young assistant.

He takes care of her while I play video games.

A manager was told by his doctor to take up some sport for exercise, so he decided to play tennis. After a couple of weeks, his administrative assistant asked him how he was doing.

"It's going fine," the manager said. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says, "To the corner! Backhand! To the net! Smash! Go back!"

"Really? What happens then?" the woman asked enthusiastically.

"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!'"

I walked into a DIY shop

There wasn't a single assistant

What did the magician say before he turned his assistant into an ear of corn?

Prepare to be a-maize-d

A man walks into a watchmakers shop, walks up to the assistant and drops his trousers in front of her.

She looks at him for a moment, sighs, and says "sir, we only service watches and clocks, please put THAT away."

The man replies "It IS a clock, but it's missing a few things, so would you mind putting two hands and a face on it?"

I lost my job as a supermarket assistant.

That's the last time anyone will ask me to show them the meat section.

What do you call the assistant to the assistant nut?

The coconut

Tampons on sale

A woman goes into the drug store and notices a large stack of tampons in the corner with a sign above saying: "Special Offer, Five Boxes for $2.50"

She says to the assistant. What's the catch"?

The assistant replies "It's a genuine offer, five boxes for $2.50, no strings attached.

A blonde dropped her shirt in at the cleaners... "come again" the shop assistant said as the lady left...

"No just toothpaste", she replied.

As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"

It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.

A man joins the mob and becomes the personal assistant to the Godfather

One day he receives a text message from the boss. "I've been having problems with my wife. Please pull the plug and then call someone in to take care of the matter."

The man knows better than to question the Godfather, so he dutifully carries out the command. He shoots the boss's wife, and then calls in the clean up crew.

But a short while later, he receives another message. "Stupid autocorrect. I meant wifi."

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray

"Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant.

"No, it kills them."

A mathematician came home and told his wife, sorry honey, but I'm leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I'll be home in a few hours and I'd like for you to be gone.

He got back home and found a note that read, hi honey, I've left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you'll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.

A man went into a bookstore and complained...

I bought this book from you yesterday, 'Cowards in History' and all the pages fell out!"

The sales assistant said, That's because it has no spine.

Doctor to assistant: I said to give the patient something for his cough! Why did you give him a laxative?!

Assistant: Well he's not coughing anymore, is he?
Doctor: ..I guess he wouldn't dare..

God's assistant: why did you give man two eyes?

God: So he can know how far or close danger is

God's assistant: why two ears?

God: So he can know if danger is on the left or right

God's assistant: then why only one nose? Surely it won't help identify location of danger.

God: Yes but wouldn't it be funny when he won't know who farted in the room.

An assistant to Donald Trump

>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.**Β 
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.**Β 
**It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!**
**Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!**Β 
**By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"**Β 
**His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."**

A magician gets himself a parrot for his act

After a couple weeks of performing with the magician the parrot begins to heckle the magician during his shows. "it's under his hat, it's up his sleeve, his assistant has it."

The magician is performing on a cruise ship when the ship sinks. The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with the parrot standing on the opposite end. The parrot and the magician spend 2 days floating at sea without saying a word.

Finally the parrot says, "Alright, I give up. Where's the boat?"

I was in the chemist...

and I said to the assistant, "What gets rid of coronavirus?"

She said, "Ammonia cleaner."

I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here!"

Pandemic fun

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that's the supervisor.

"We're losing him!" shouted the physician assistant halfway through the surgery

"Not on my watch!" shouted the surgeon.

And he runs out of the operating room.

So i went to the record shop and asked the assistant 'What have you got by the Doors? "

He said "An exit sign and a fire bucket"

A cartographer is asked to make a giant topographic map

He is very meticulous, agonizing over every little detail on the map. After months of work, he nervously presents it to his client, who says it's perfect and commissions another big project. As he leaves the meeting, the cartographer takes a deep breath, turns to his assistant, and says, "I was really worried he wouldn't like it, but that was a huge relief."

The head cook was also a proud linguist. He boasted to his team that he'd finally figured out that champagne and sugar are the only words that sound like "sh" without starting with "sh".

The assistant hesitated for a moment then replied-
.
.
.
"Chef! Are you sure?"

I saw a sign outside IKEA .

It said, "Huge Furniture Sale!"

So I went inside and looked around. Unimpressed, I found a sales assistant. "Your sign outside is misleading."

"What do you mean, sir?" he asked.

"Well," I replied, "None of this furniture on sale is particularly huge."

Went to the hardware store today. I picked up a can of insecticide and asked the assistant if it was any good for ants....

"Nope" said the man, "it will kill them."

I was buying the wife some underwear, I asked the shop assistant;

Are these knickers satin?"
"No she said, They're brand new...

This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"

Paul's height is six feet, he is an assistant at a butcher shop and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh?

Meat.

I went to the Chemist today.

I asked the assistant 'What gets rid of coronavirus?'

She replied 'Ammonia Cleaner.'

I said 'I'm sorry, I thought you worked here.'

Outside the pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching into a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?

Assistant replies: Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help.

Pharmacist says: He seems to be fine now.

Assistant replies: Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market. Now he won't dare cough!

A blind man and his seeing eye dog enter a department store

In the middle of the household items aisle he suddenly stops, grabs his dog by the hind legs and swings him around above his head a couple of times.

Alarmed, the assistant manager comes running and exclaims "Sir! Sir! What are you doing?"

"Oh, just looking around", says the blind man

A woman goes to the doctor because she suspects she might have covid

She enters the office and while she was in the middle of explaining her symptoms the doctor with a blushed face calls his assistant and asks for a room to admit the woman into the hospital.

The woman surprised says "Are you sure I have covid? It's just a mild cough and I haven't been even tested yet!

To which the doctor replies "Lady I just had finished my lunch and released a huge fart a second before you came in, if you couldn't smell that I'm not wasting a test"

Knock knock?

Whose there?

A little old lady

....

A little old lady who?

...

I didn't know you could yodel!

Credit does to Google voice assistant. I sheer shock had me laughing for a solid 15 seconds.

I Just Started My Job as a Minister's Assistant

My local church just hired me to assist the minister, and so far the job is going very well. The only real challenge is that he's very particular about the display towards the front of the sanctuary. He insists that it be kept spotless at all times, decorated with the freshest flowers, and have every detail placed perfectly on it. After a few weeks of this, I decided to ask him about it.

"Excuse me, Pastor" I asked. "Why are you so fixated on the front display?"

"Oh, that" he replied. "It's just my altar ego."

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray.

"Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant.

To which she replies "No, it kills them."

I asked my Google assistant to tell me what was the name of the number with 100 zeros

I've already tried 5 times, and it keeps refreshing to the main page. Geez, thanks a lot.

I once asked my phone assistant for a joke.

All it did was turn on the selfie camera. What is that supposed to mean?

Walking past a pet shop, a sign said; 'Pedigree Netherlands cats for sale.'

I didn't believe they were from the Netherlands so I went into the shop and asked the assistant... 'How Dutch is that moggie in the window?'.

The thief

A shop assistant calls the police saying:
Officer, the same guy who stole stuff from the warehouse yesterday is in my store!

Alright, make sure you close off every exit. We'll be there as soon as possible!

10 minutes pass, and the agents arrive at the store seeing the man has escaped.

Didn't I tell you to close off every exit?!

To which the assistant replies:
Yes I did, but he escaped through the entrance!

A pharmacist comes back from his lunch break

He finds his assistant standing by a customer who seems very tense.
What's wrong with this man? The pharmacist asks his assistant.
He has a terrible cough! The assistant replied. And there was no cough medicine so I prescribed him laxatives instead.

The customer gives a soft groan as the pharmacist looks horrified.

You can't prescribe laxatives to treat a cough!

Well of course you can, replied the assistant. Look at the customer, he's far too scared to cough

Laughter

A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day, the guy comes in again, buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later. "So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist. "Sure did," replies the assistant.

"Where did he go?" asks the curious pharmacist. "Your house."

I asked the toy store sales assistant if they had any Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures in store...

She replied "Aisle B, back".

A pharmacist walks back into his shop after taking a break.

He finds a man leaning against a wall and asks his assistant What's wrong with him?

He came in for some cough syrup , explains the assistant, but I couldn't find any so I gave him laxatives instead.

What! exclaims the pharmacist, horrified. You can't treat a cough with laxatives!

Of course you can. , the assistant says. Look at him, he's far too scared to cough.

A man walked into a bookshop and said: I'd like to buy a book by Shakespeare

'Of course' replied the sales assistant 'Any particular one?'

'William, of course' replies the man.

Argued with a shop assistant and she hit me with her labeling gun.

Now there's a price on my head.

I went to a bookstore and asked the assistant for a book on Turtles..

"Hardback?" she asked


"Yes, with little heads" I said

I went to buy a Christmas tree the other day, and the shop assistant said "Are you thinking if putting it up yourself?"

I said "no, i was thinking the living room".

I went to the pharmacy yesterday and asked the assistant "What kills coronavirus"?

She replied "Ammonia cleaner"

I said "Sorry, I thought you worked here"

A woman walks into a shop, picks up a can of fly spray and asks 'Is this any good for flies?'

'Not really' says the assistant 'It kills them'

A proctologist is in the middle of an examination when he turns around and sees his assistant holding a bottle of beer.

He goes: No nurse, I said BUTT-Light

Someone Opened the Cages in the Reptile House at the Zoo

The keeper tried everything but couldn't get the snakes back in their cages.

Frantic, he yelled to his assistant, Call a lawyer!

A lawyer? Why?

We need someone who speaks their language.

A man with two left feet goes into a shoe store...

...and asks the shop assistant: "Do you sell flip-flips?"

A chemist finds a man leaning against the wall of his shop.

'What's wrong with him?' says the chemist.

His assistant replies, 'He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any, so I gave him laxatives'

'Idiot!' says the chemist. 'You can't treat a cough with laxatives'

'Of course you can' the assistant replies. ' Look at him, he's too afraid to cough'

I asked where I could find the Professor of Directions.

His assistant said he was busy writing a book.

I said, "What is the book about?"

He said, "It's a book about the opposite of left."

I said, "That sounds about right."

I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are?

and he replied, Aisle B, back."

Stalin's assistant enters his office

"Sir! There is a man here who wants to see you. He claims to be able to see the future with perfect accuracy!"

Stalin takes a puff from his pipe, and gives his order. "Execute him."

The assistant obeys and the man is promptly executed.

Later, with a lot of hesitation, the assistant asks. "Sir, why did you order this man's execution?"

Stalin looks at him calmly, and responds. "If he could really see the future, he would've seen this coming, and I can't stand charlatans."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the assistant assistant director puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working assistant assistant manager piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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