The Best 34 Assistance Jokes

Following is our collection of Assistance jokes which are very funny. There are some assistance avail jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these assistance assessment puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

What happened?

A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, What happened?

The man rubbed the back of his head and said, I don't know! Last thing I remember, my wife was coming out of the salon there and I said, Well, at least they tried.

I am starting a new psychological assistance program across the country but at the local level.... is more direct than most. You register, commit to giving a certain amount to the psychologically disadvantaged in your area, and we give you options of who to give to, you choose how...................................... It is called:

A woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so bad that she ran to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, What's wrong?

I was stung by a bee! she said. Where? he asked. Between the first and second hole. she replied. He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide.

What is the easiest way to weigh your head?

Ask assistance from ISIS.

A woman was 9 months pregnant...

...and she didn't wanna go to the hospital no matter what. One day she is walking up the stairs inside her home when her water breaks, she then lays down Right there and gives birth with the assistance of her husband. Once the baby is born the mother is holding her baby and says to her husband "I don't think this is yours..." He looks at her confused and asks "what do you mean?", she looks him in the eyes and says "because it's a step-child"

What do you call an embargo on foreign assistance?

Banned aid.

A man walks into a tailor to buy a tuxedo. He confidently tells the tailor he doesn't need any assistance. The tailor says…

... "Fine. Suit yourself."

How do you end beef with someone?

With the assistance of your friend, use a machete to chop the cow into pieces.

I fixed a snooker table's baize without any assistance...

...I felt it myself!

(as everyone else seems to be doing these...)

What college tuition assistance system program did Simba put in place once he became the Lion King?


I just saw a Chinese magic show

The magician was named Fu Ling Yu and his female assistance was called Han Mi Dat. Great stuff.

Top Assistance Puns and Funny Jokes

You can explore assistance relief reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean assistance rescue dad jokes. There are also assistance puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

My new Tesla had a dead battery so I called AAA. Turns out the don't service Teslas. So I called AA...

They don't have on site road assistance but I'm 30 days sober now.

Trumps election win is like his erection

He keeps on telling us that it was large, magnificent, and very hard. But we all know it was small, pathetic, and needed a little assistance to happen.

Life is hard

But if Life is hard for more than 4 hours Life should seek medical assistance.

Patient to visit Doctor

A doctors nurse's assistance says to him "You have a patient who believes he is invisible." The doctor turns to her and tells her "Tell him I can't see him today."

Two men are arguing loudly. A robot approaches and says "May I be of assistance?"

One man turns to it and says *back off pal, this is an organic matter!"

A blonde girl gets pulled over by a blonde police officer for speeding...

The Police officer asks for a drivers license & the blonde starts going through her bag looking for it.

She's getting increasingly frustrated as she looks for the drivers license & asks the police officer for assistance.

The blonde asks: "I'm having trouble finding it... Can you please tell me what it is suppose to look like?"

The officer responds: "Sure, it's just a square that has your picture on it."

After a bit more rustling through her bag, she pulls out a square mirror and hands it to the police officer.

The police officer looks at the mirror and says: "Oh, I'm so sorry... I didn't realise you were a police officer! You can go"

A guy walks into an eletronics store

Employee: *Hello Sir, how may I be of assistance*

Guy: *My dishwasher just died on me, I was wondering if I could get a similar one*

Employee: *Sure thing Sir, what was the make and model?*

Guy: *Fat, Brown Hair, Brown Eyed Virgo with an annoying mother*

The year is 1945...

The Soviet army is pushing closer to Berlin with each day. As they march closer, they start to find the concentration camps. In one of these camps, a Polish man with a limited knowledge of the Russian language is talking to Russian military officers about the camps, with assistance from a translator. As he explains, he reaches a word he doesn't know, and turns to the translator.

"How do you say civilians?"

"Acceptable casualties."

Stop me if you've heard this one...

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, You are back early, what's wrong? I was stung by a bee! she said. Where? he asked. Between the first and second hole. she replied. He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide.

Father O'Malley received a call from the IRS.

They asked for his assistance. He said he'd be happy to oblige.

Thank you, Father. Do you happen to know a Ted Houlihan?
I do.
Is he a member of your congregation?
He is.
Tell me, did Mr. Houlihan really donate $10,000 to the church?
He will.

Did you hear about what's happening in Hawaii?

Seems like they could use help. Hopefully President Trump offers assistance to their president.

A man calls the hotel front desk

"Hello how I may I be of assistance sir?"


"Calm down Sir, what seems to be the problem?"

"My wife is trying to jump out of the window..."

"Oh that sounds like a personal matter, I'm afraid we cannot involve ourselves."

"Listen here you smartass, the window isn't opening up and that's a maintenance matter!"

I called OnStar for roadside assistance yesterday

I told the lady I was stranded on the side of the road.

She said, "At least you have a shoulder to cry on."

Pablo Escobar was taken down with the assistance of Columbian children acting as police informants

When he was arrested, Pablo furiously cried out "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those MedellΓ­n kids!"

My mother-in-law has come for a visit and has been of immeasurable help

Which is a polite way to say that her assistance has not been perceptible.

whats the difference between rudolph the red nosed reindeer and a liberal?

rudolph can overcome adversity without any government assistance

Did you hear about the new government assistance for the deaf?

Neither have they.

A person walks into a sperm bank

The doctor asks him to follow him after a while. the guy says he cant do it without assistance the doctor brings his assistant and ask her to get a load of this guy

At our world famous clinic, many worried, afflicted and mentally unstable people come for assistance. I know it may sound ridiculous, but we start by suggesting they try one of our brain transplant procedures.

They always reject the offer at first, but eventually we change their minds.

When we were children, we used to refer to our Grandad as Spiderman.

He didn't have any special powers, he just couldn't get out of the bath without any assistance.

What is the worst thing to need as a scientist with a speech impediment?

a physicist's assistance

A young man at his wit's end called the Suicide Hotline for help. Unfortunately he was greeted by an automated voice message after waiting for several rings.

"Hello," spoke an artificial sounding voice on the other line "we regret to inform you that the Suicide Hotline is no longer in service. If you do require assistance with your suicide please use the emergency number 911 and an officer will be out to assist you shortly."

I called the Suicide helpline for assistance

Turns out they only help PREVENT suicide. Bah!

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the assistance helpline jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working assistance helpful piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes