Assistance Jokes
51 assistance jokes and hilarious assistance puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about assistance that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Tired of dealing with roadside assistance? We've got the jokes to provide a little relief. Check out these hilarious one-liners and puns about everything from unexpected inspections to getting a helping assist. Laugh at our collection of assistance jokes!
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Funniest Assistance Short Jokes
Short assistance jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The assistance humour may include short helping jokes also.
- What's big, black and loaded with aids? A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist.
- When god created man Gods assistant: Is it done?
God: Hmm, add a little toe to his foot.
Gods assistant: Why?
God: For furniture.
Gods assistant: Furniture?
God: Believe me it'll be funny - A man walked into a bookshop and said: I'd like to buy a book by Shakespeare 'Of course' replied the sale assistant 'Any particular one?'
'William, of course' replies the man. - A man walks into a tailor to buy a tuxedo. He confidently tells the tailor he doesn't need any assistance. The tailor says… ... "Fine. suit yourself."
- A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray "Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant.
"No, it kills them." - A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray. "Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant.
To which she replies "No, it kills them." - I went to a bookstore and asked the assistant for a book on Turtles.. "Hardback?" she asked
"Yes, with little heads" I said - I went to the pharmacy yesterday and asked the assistant "What kills coronavirus"? She replied "Ammonia cleaner"
I said "Sorry, I thought you worked here" - Argued with a shop assistant and she hit me with her labeling gun. Now there's a price on my head.
- I asked the toy store sales assistant if they had any arnold schwarzenegger action figures in store... She replied "Aisle B, back".
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Assistance One Liners
Which assistance one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with assistance? I can suggest the ones about helps and aide.
- Assist is 50% the letter "S"... The rest are just there to help.
- My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them. 0 Kills
0 Assist
7 Deaths - Why did the tractor sell medicines? Because it was a farm assist!
... I'm sorry... - What do you call assistants that help citrus fruit? Lemonade.
- What do you call a very short person that assists you in your timing? A metrognome
- Who performs the most assisted suicides. Youth in Asia.
- I walked into a DIY shop There wasn't a single assistant
- What did the magician say when his assistant died during the show? Abra cadaver!
- What do you call the assistant to the assistant nut? The coconut
- If you're the assistant to the assistant lunatic... You're a coconut.
- Which national holiday is also an online cooking assistant? e-stir
- What did the dying chef say to his assistant? I'm running out of thyme.
- What do you call a female magician? An assistant.
- Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor ae his assistant? He had a hunch about him
- One summer, I worked as an assistant to an one-armed typist. It was shift work.
Roadside Assistance Jokes
Here is a list of funny roadside assistance jokes and even better roadside assistance puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I called OnStar for roadside assistance yesterday I told the lady I was stranded on the side of the road.
She said, "At least you have a shoulder to cry on." - A customer calls AAA about roadside assistance benefits and asks, "How many tows do I get?" Rep says, "Most people are born with 10. That's all you get."
- What do you call "hamburger helper" for road kill? "Roadside Assistance"
Entertaining Assistance Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
What funny jokes about assistance you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean helping hand jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make assistance pranks.
This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.
He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"
A man calls the First National Bank of Texas. The automated voice answers, "Hello, how can I assist you today?" The man says, "Withdrawal"
The automated voice says, "YEEHAW! HOW Y'ALL RECKON I CAN HELP?!"
An assistant to Donald Trump
>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.**
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.**
**It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!**
**Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!**
**By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"**
**His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."**
Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two hour rental period is up, please return to the dock.
Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.
Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?
What happened?
A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, What happened?
The man rubbed the back of his head and said, I don't know! Last thing I remember, my wife was coming out of the salon there and I said, Well, at least they tried.
A chemist walks into the store he owns...
and he sees a man, leaning up against a wall near the counter.
"What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant.
"He needed a bottle of cough syrup," explains the assistant, "but I couldn't find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead."
"WHAT?" bellows the chemist. "You can't treat a cough with laxatives!!!"
"Of course you can," replies the assistant, pointing at the man. "Look at him! He's FAR too scared to cough!"
A mathematician came home and told his wife, sorry honey, but I'm leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I'll be home in a few hours and I'd like for you to be gone.
He got back home and found a note that read, hi honey, I've left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you'll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A magician gets himself a parrot for his act
After a couple weeks of performing with the magician the parrot begins to heckle the magician during his shows. "it's under his hat, it's up his sleeve, his assistant has it."
The magician is performing on a cruise ship when the ship sinks. The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with the parrot standing on the opposite end. The parrot and the magician spend 2 days floating at sea without saying a word.
Finally the parrot says, "Alright, I give up. Where's the boat?"
A man calls the hotel front desk
"Hello how I may I be of assistance sir?"
"I NEED YOU TO SEND SOMEONE TO MY ROOM RIGHT AWAY."
"Calm down Sir, what seems to be the problem?"
"My wife is trying to jump out of the window..."
"Oh that sounds like a personal matter, I'm afraid we cannot involve ourselves."
"Listen here you smartass, the window isn't opening up and that's a maintenance matter!"
A chemist finds a man leaning against the wall of his shop.
'What's wrong with him?' says the chemist.
His assistant replies, 'He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any, so I gave him laxatives'
'Idiot!' says the chemist. 'You can't treat a cough with laxatives'
'Of course you can' the assistant replies. ' Look at him, he's too afraid to cough'
A guy walks into a pharmacy buys a pack of condoms and walks out laughing
He does this every day consecutive for a week. Finally the pharmacy owner asks his assistant to follow the man the next time he returns. Sure enough the man returns the next day and walks out laughing once again. The assistant follows him and returns about half an hour later. When the pharmacist asked where he had followed him the assistant simply replied "your house".
An american walks into a swiss bank...
The bank is very full so it takes a long time for it to be his turn.
After an hour wait he finally gets to go up to the counter. The woman asks him how she could assist him.
He looks around, making sure he cant be heard and whispers into her ear "I would like to deposit $1 million into a bank account"
The woman looks a bit startled and says out loud "oh dont worry sir! You dont have to whisper, here in Switzerland its no shame to be poor."
Pablo Escobar was taken down with the assistance of Columbian children acting as police informants
When he was arrested, Pablo furiously cried out "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those Medellín kids!"
A man joins the mob and becomes the personal assistant to the Godfather
One day he receives a text message from the boss. "I've been having problems with my wife. Please pull the plug and then call someone in to take care of the matter."
The man knows better than to question the Godfather, so he dutifully carries out the command. He shoots the boss's wife, and then calls in the clean up crew.
But a short while later, he receives another message. "s**... autocorrect. I meant wifi."
A guy walks into a bookstore...
A guy walks into a bookstore and asks the assistant, "Hey, do you know if you guys have the new book for guys with short p**...?"
The assistant says, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
Guy says, "Yeah, that's the one!"
A nursing assistant, a floor nurse and a charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room.
In walks a lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished-stone jewelry.
"I am Gina the Great," stated the lady. "I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!"
With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish.
Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. "I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need."
With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next. "I wish I were rich and retired, and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well-groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts."
With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.
"Now, what is the last wish?" asked the lady.
The charge nurse said, "I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break."
Overcrowded church
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are?
and he replied, Aisle B, back."
Stop me if you've heard this one...
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, You are back early, what's wrong? I was stung by a bee! she said. Where? he asked. Between the first and second hole. she replied. He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide.
