Assist Jokes
45 assist jokes and hilarious assist puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about assist that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Ready for a laugh? Check out this article on assist jokes! Learn about aim assist, extraction, and the labor avail with a few light-hearted jokes sprinkled throughout. So, take some time to sit back and enjoy these hilarious jokes!
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Funniest Assist Short Jokes
Short assist jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The assist humour may include short associate jokes also.
- What's big, black and loaded with aids? A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist.
- When god created man Gods assistant: Is it done?
God: Hmm, add a little toe to his foot.
Gods assistant: Why?
God: For furniture.
Gods assistant: Furniture?
God: Believe me it'll be funny - A man walked into a bookshop and said: I'd like to buy a book by Shakespeare 'Of course' replied the sale assistant 'Any particular one?'
'William, of course' replies the man. - A man walks into a tailor to buy a tuxedo. He confidently tells the tailor he doesn't need any assistance. The tailor says… ... "Fine. suit yourself."
- A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray "Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant.
"No, it kills them." - A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray. "Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant.
To which she replies "No, it kills them." - I went to a bookstore and asked the assistant for a book on Turtles.. "Hardback?" she asked
"Yes, with little heads" I said - I went to the pharmacy yesterday and asked the assistant "What kills coronavirus"? She replied "Ammonia cleaner"
I said "Sorry, I thought you worked here" - Argued with a shop assistant and she hit me with her labeling gun. Now there's a price on my head.
- I asked the toy store sales assistant if they had any arnold schwarzenegger action figures in store... She replied "Aisle B, back".
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Assist One Liners
Which assist one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with assist? I can suggest the ones about support and backup.
- Assist is 50% the letter "S"... The rest are just there to help.
- My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them. 0 Kills
0 Assist
7 Deaths - Why did the tractor sell medicines? Because it was a farm assist!
... I'm sorry... - What do you call assistants that help citrus fruit? Lemonade.
- What do you call a very short person that assists you in your timing? A metrognome
- Who performs the most assisted suicides. Youth in Asia.
- I walked into a DIY shop There wasn't a single assistant
- What did the magician say when his assistant died during the show? Abra cadaver!
- What do you call the assistant to the assistant nut? The coconut
- If you're the assistant to the assistant lunatic... You're a coconut.
- Which national holiday is also an online cooking assistant? e-stir
- What did the dying chef say to his assistant? I'm running out of thyme.
- What do you call a female magician? An assistant.
- Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor ae his assistant? He had a hunch about him
- One summer, I worked as an assistant to an one-armed typist. It was shift work.
Amusing & Witty Assist Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about assist you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean attend jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make assist pranks.
A man calls the First National Bank of Texas. The automated voice answers, "Hello, how can I assist you today?" The man says, "Withdrawal"
The automated voice says, "YEEHAW! HOW Y'ALL RECKON I CAN HELP?!"
An assistant to Donald Trump
>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.**
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.**
**It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!**
**Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!**
**By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"**
**His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."**
An american walks into a swiss bank...
The bank is very full so it takes a long time for it to be his turn.
After an hour wait he finally gets to go up to the counter. The woman asks him how she could assist him.
He looks around, making sure he cant be heard and whispers into her ear "I would like to deposit $1 million into a bank account"
The woman looks a bit startled and says out loud "oh dont worry sir! You dont have to whisper, here in Switzerland its no shame to be poor."
As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"
It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.
Stalin's assistant enters his office
"Sir! There is a man here who wants to see you. He claims to be able to see the future with perfect accuracy!"
Stalin takes a puff from his pipe, and gives his order. "Execute him."
The assistant obeys and the man is promptly executed.
Later, with a lot of hesitation, the assistant asks. "Sir, why did you order this man's execution?"
Stalin looks at him calmly, and responds. "If he could really see the future, he would've seen this coming, and I can't stand charlatans."
The reverend John Flapps spots a female member of his congregation staggering drunkenly...
along the street. He tries to assist her but they stumble and he falls on top of her. A passing policeman comes up and says "Oi mate, you can't do that in the street"
The Rev replies "You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."
To which the cop replies, "Well, if you're in that far, you may as well Finnish."
If a young lady fell into a well why couldn't her brother help her out?
Because how could he be a brother and assist her too?
A guy asks his friend to rub some beef fat on his ribs
His friend refuses saying he won't assist in a suet side!
(My first OC post, thought up while cooking dinner. Improvement suggestions welcome)
God's assistant: why did you give man two eyes?
God: So he can know how far or close danger is
God's assistant: why two ears?
God: So he can know if danger is on the left or right
God's assistant: then why only one nose? Surely it won't help identify location of danger.
God: Yes but wouldn't it be funny when he won't know who f**... in the room.
I Just Started My Job as a Minister's Assistant
My local church just hired me to assist the minister, and so far the job is going very well. The only real challenge is that he's very particular about the display towards the front of the sanctuary. He insists that it be kept spotless at all times, decorated with the freshest flowers, and have every detail placed perfectly on it. After a few weeks of this, I decided to ask him about it.
"Excuse me, Pastor" I asked. "Why are you so fixated on the front display?"
"Oh, that" he replied. "It's just my altar ego."
My butcher's assistant is a little person. I tried to bet him he couldn't sell me one of his top-shelf filets.
"No bet," he said. "The steaks are too high."
You would think that I would eventually learn
That not everyone is grateful when you try to help them. I was driving the other day and saw an old guy trying to cross the road. I pulled over, turned on my blinkers and went to assist the fellow. This guy turned around, and came after me, and tried to bite me. Snapping turtles are a h**... of a lot faster when they are mad.
*True story from a couple years ago*
Yoko Ono is apparently being lined up to assist with the bush tucker trials in the I'm a Celebrity jungle.
After all she has been living off a dead beetle for the last 36 years.
Assistant and Boss
Assistant: "Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?"
Boss: "Certainly not!"
Assistant: "Thank you so much sir! I knew you would be understanding."
My friend asked me to assist him with his math homework.
I should probably help him before he stops *counting* on me.
A trucker walks into a brothel.
Welcome, sir, the lady in charge says. How can I assist you?
The man puts down a large w**... of cash in front of her, and says,
Get me the most slovenly and whiny girl that can't cook well either.
The woman eyes the money, and responds, But sir, you could have the best, most exotic girl and a gourmet dinner for that much.
I don't need an exotic experience, I need the one that feels like home! The man yells.
I asked my friend to assist me with s**......
He left me hanging.
In 1944, a unit of zombie dolphins were deployed by the allies to assist in the invasion of Normandy.
They were named the marine corpse
Your assistant says you have a voicemail from a music producer
The DJ Khaled
Please contact MinneapolisPD
if you wish to assist in the locating of the Minnesota Vikings defense.
Why can't a woman ask her brother for help?
Because he can't be a brother and assist her too.
Assistant: "Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?"
Boss: "Certainly not!"
Assistant: "Thank you so much sir."
What did the former governor of California say after he helped the old lady cross the street?
I'm Arnold to assist you.
The bottom suddenly falls out of a plane.
All passengers hold themselves up in the conveniently placed assist grips.
The usual jingle is heard through the speakers, as the co-pilot speaks slowly and clearly: "Just now, all of our fuel has been used."
The frightened passengers look at each other.
The pilot speaks again with heavy breathing: "We need to lose some weight to assure a safe landing. If you are unselfish, brave and willing to be a hero, please let go of the assistive grips."
A deep voice pierces the air. "I'm on it" a middle-aged man says, letting go and falling to his doom.
Amused by his empathy and bravery, the rest of the passengers proceed to clap.
Materialist Lawyer
A lawyer is getting out of his car when another vehicle comes along and rips the door right off the hinges. A cop sees the whole thing and comes over to assist the lawyer who is screaming profanities at the driver of the other vehicle.
The cop asks, "Are you alright, sir?"
The lawyer responds, "Of course not you fricking idiot! Did you see what that guy just did to my Jaguar? You're going to arrest him, right?"
The cop just shakes his head, "You lawyers are so materialistic. I'll bet you haven't even realized your arm is missing."
The lawyer looks down where is missing arm should be and screams, "Oh my god, my Rolex!"
