Assist Jokes

Following is our collection of labor humor and helper one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Assist puns for adults, dirty scamming jokes or clean emergency gags for kids.

There is an abundance of offices jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 30 funniest jokes on assist. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any aide witze you can hear about assist.

The Best jokes about Assist

What's big, black and loaded with aids?

A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist.

An assistant to Donald Trump

>**An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.**
**There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.** 
**Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.**
**Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.** 
**It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!**
**Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!** 
**By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"** 
**His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."**

Assist is 50% the letter "S"...

The rest are just there to help.

My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them.

0 Kills

0 Assist

7 Deaths

An american walks into a swiss bank...

The bank is very full so it takes a long time for it to be his turn.

After an hour wait he finally gets to go up to the counter. The woman asks him how she could assist him.


He looks around, making sure he cant be heard and whispers into her ear "I would like to deposit $1 million into a bank account"


The woman looks a bit startled and says out loud "oh dont worry sir! You dont have to whisper, here in Switzerland its no shame to be poor."


Why did the tractor sell medicines?

Because it was a farm assist!


... I'm sorry...

As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"

It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.

Materialist Lawyer

A lawyer is getting out of his car when another vehicle comes along and rips the door right off the hinges. A cop sees the whole thing and comes over to assist the lawyer who is screaming profanities at the driver of the other vehicle.

The cop asks, "Are you alright, sir?"

The lawyer responds, "Of course not you fricking idiot! Did you see what that guy just did to my Jaguar? You're going to arrest him, right?"

The cop just shakes his head, "You lawyers are so materialistic. I'll bet you haven't even realized your arm is missing."

The lawyer looks down where is missing arm should be and screams, "Oh my god, my Rolex!"

Assisted Living

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in an assisted living home.
Unfortunately, all the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit their
abuelo...

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful, everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong
place for you. You know, since you are a little different from
everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the
residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.


"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the
violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him "Maestro".

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on

the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him "Your Honor".

"And there's a physician here that is 90 years old. He hasn't
practiced medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him
"Doctor"

"And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The
F---ing Mexican"

Hillbilly Birth

Deep in the back woods of Eastern Kentucky, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'


Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming.'

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.


Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.


The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, 'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'

If a young lady fell into a well why couldn't her brother help her out?

Because how could he be a brother and assist her too?


The reverend John Flapps spots a female member of his congregation staggering drunkenly...

along the street. He tries to assist her but they stumble and he falls on top of her. A passing policeman comes up and says "Oi mate, you can't do that in the street"

The Rev replies "You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."

To which the cop replies, "Well, if you're in that far, you may as well Finnish."

A guy asks his friend to rub some beef fat on his ribs

His friend refuses saying he won't assist in a suet side!

(My first OC post, thought up while cooking dinner. Improvement suggestions welcome)

God's assistant: why did you give man two eyes?

God: So he can know how far or close danger is

God's assistant: why two ears?

God: So he can know if danger is on the left or right

God's assistant: then why only one nose? Surely it won't help identify location of danger.

God: Yes but wouldn't it be funny when he won't know who farted in the room.

The Lantern

Deep in the back woods of Letcher County, Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
As there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here..You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!" Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa, there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern
down - I think there's another one coming!" Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"Keep holding that lantern up - don't set it down! There's another one!!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor. The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You
reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

My butcher's assistant is a little person. I tried to bet him he couldn't sell me one of his top-shelf filets.

"No bet," he said. "The steaks are too high."

Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.

Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...

President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!

Assistant to the President: Sir ...

President: What is the bad news? What human being could be that stingy that they wouldn't give me this movie?

Assistant to the President: His name is Rick, sir.

President: Rick?

Assistant to the President: Rick Astley, and He's Never Gonna Give You Up.

Yoko Ono is apparently being lined up to assist with the bush tucker trials in the I'm a Celebrity jungle.

After all she has been living off a dead beetle for the last 36 years.

Assistant and Boss

Assistant: "Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?"

Boss: "Certainly not!"

Assistant: "Thank you so much sir! I knew you would be understanding."


If you're the assistant to the assistant lunatic...

You're a coconut.

Are my testicles black?

A man is in an accident and is placed on an oxygen mask to assist his breathing.

His nurse checks on him and asks if there is anything he needs?

He say yes, could you check if my testicles are black?

She thinks, that is an odd request but decides to check for him as he looks very nervous.

She looks at his testicles, flips them left and right and even rolls them in her hand to get a good look.

After a few seconds she puts the sheet back down and notices the man smiling. She says to him,"no sir your testicles are fine. Why are you smiling?"

He simply points at the mask, which she removes and he replies,"i just wanted to thank you for that experience, it was wonderful. But, are my test results back?"

A trucker walks into a brothel.

Welcome, sir, the lady in charge says. How can I assist you?

The man puts down a large wad of cash in front of her, and says,

Get me the most slovenly and whiny girl that can't cook well either.

The woman eyes the money, and responds, But sir, you could have the best, most exotic girl and a gourmet dinner for that much.



I don't need an exotic experience, I need the one that feels like home! The man yells.

A brunette, a ginger, and a blonde...

...go on a survivalist show where they are to survive for as long as possible in the desert. Each can bring one item, but they need to justify to the producers how it will assist their survival. The brunette shows up with a canteen, explaining to the producers that a method of carrying water is critical. The ginger shows up with an umbrella, explaining that it's imperative that the sun be kept off the skin. When the blonde shows up, she's carrying a car door. When the producers ask why, she tells them that if it gets too hot, she wants to be able to open the window.

I asked my friend to assist me with suicide...

He left me hanging.

In 1944, a unit of zombie dolphins were deployed by the allies to assist in the invasion of Normandy.

They were named the marine corpse

Hold this lantern . . .

In the backwoods of Appalachia, Mr. Johnson's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby.

"Now don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there's yet another!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor. "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

The bottom suddenly falls out of a plane.

All passengers hold themselves up in the conveniently placed assist grips.

The usual jingle is heard through the speakers, as the co-pilot speaks slowly and clearly: "Just now, all of our fuel has been used."

The frightened passengers look at each other.

The pilot speaks again with heavy breathing: "We need to lose some weight to assure a safe landing. If you are unselfish, brave and willing to be a hero, please let go of the assistive grips."

A deep voice pierces the air. "I'm on it" a middle-aged man says, letting go and falling to his doom.

Amused by his empathy and bravery, the rest of the passengers proceed to clap.

Why can't a woman ask her brother for help?

Because he can't be a brother and assist her too.

Your assistant says you have a voicemail from a music producer

The DJ Khaled

Assistant: "Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?"

Boss: "Certainly not!"

Assistant: "Thank you so much sir."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes