assignment Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious assignment puns

The Deadliest Job in WW2

My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, Did you ever kill anyone?

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, Probably. I was the cook.

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Theory vs Reality

Little Billy had a homework assignment to compare theory and reality. The boy asked his father what the difference was between theory and reality. His father told him, 'Go ask your mother if she would have sex with the mailman for a million dollars.' The boy asks his mother and she says she would. Billy tells his father she would have sex with the mailman for million dollars.

The father then tells the boy, 'Now go as your sister if she would have sex with the mailman for a million dollars.' The boy asks his sister and she to says she would have sex with the mailman.

Little Billy goes and tells his father both his mom and his sister would have sex with the mailman and his father says, "Well son, in theory we're multimillionaires, but in reality we live with a couple of whores.

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A 2nd grade class just gets in from recess...

The teacher tells the class they're going to do a spelling assignment that relates to what they did for recess. "If you can come up to the board and write the word I give you, you'll get a gold star for the day," the teacher explains. "Tommy, what'd you do for recess?" she asks the first student. "Well," Tommy begins, "I played in the sand box with Suzy!" "Okay great. If you can come to the board and spell the word 'sand' I'll give you a gold star." So Tommy goes up to the board, spells 'sand' and gets a gold star for the day. Then the teacher asks Suzy, "Suzy, what'd you do for recess today?" So Suzy answers, "like Tommy said, we played in the sand box together." "Okay," the teacher thinks, "if you can come up to the board and spell 'box' I'll give you a gold star. So Suzy spells 'box' and gets a gold star for the day. Then the teacher asks the third student, "Tyrone, what'd you do for recess today?" "Well I wanted to play in the sand box with Tommy and Suzy but they wouldn't let me," Tyrone answers. "Oh no!" says the teacher, "That's terrible! Do you know what that's called? That's called 'racial discrimination.' If you can come up to the board and spell 'racial discrimination' I'll give you a gold star."

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A priest and a shepherd...

... from Australia participate in a gameshow on TV. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It's a city in Africa.

The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:

"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "

The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his poem:

"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three ladies cheap to rent.
But they were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "

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Little Johnny Has A Question

A boy comes home from school one day looking for his father. He has an assignment that he needs a little help with. He finds his father and tells him that he has to write a paper explaining the difference between potentially and actually.

His father says to him "That's an easy one", "Go upstairs and find your sister; ask her if she'd sleep with the mailman for $10,000."

So the boy does as he is told. When he comes back down he tells his father what he learned. "She said yes, dad." "So," said his dad "Find your mother, now, and ask her if she'd sleep with the mailman for $10,000 as well."

The boy does as he is asked, and then returns to his father again.

"She said yes too, dad." "Well, there you go." said the dad.

The boy looked at his father, puzzled.

He smiled, "Potentially we're sitting on a gold mine; but, actually I live with a couple of whores!"

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Theory vs reality

A boy comes home with the assignment of learning theory vs reality. So he asks his dad for help. "Ok son, ask your sister if she'd sleep with Justin Bieber for a million bucks." Kid comes back and says "Yeah dad she would."
"Ok now ask your mom if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks." Kid ask his mom. "Mom said she sure would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks."
Dad says "Now in THEORY we have two million dollars, in REALITY..... we live with a couple of whores."

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Kindergarten homework assignment

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period,'' said the little boy. "Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''I don't know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.

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Little Johnny & the Government

One day little Johnny was assigned to a special assignment at school ... It was to ask his parents what the government was.
When little Johnny arrives home he asks him mom "Momy wha is the government?"
"I don't know ask your father!" little Johnny proceeds to go ask his dad.
"daddy, what is the government?" Johnny's dad pauses for a momment and says "Think of it this way, I'm the president, your mom is the congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people & your little brother is the future."
"I don't get it?"
"sleep on it and then in the morning you can tell me what you think"
"alright" little Johnny goes to bed still very confused on what his dad said
Later on in the night little johnny wakes up to the sound of his little brother crying, he runs over to the room and sees that his diaper is siled. He walks over to his parents room and looks through the key whole.. Little Johnny notice that his mom is snoring and that his dad is no where to be found. Then he walks over to the maids room, he looks through the key hole and to his surprise he finds his dad and the maid having sexy time.. Surprised he took a step back and said " OOOHHHHH!!! I get it!!! The president is screwing the work force, the congress is fast asleep, no body gives a shit about the people and the future is full of shit!"

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Lost in Arkansas

Bob a young journalism graduate from the University of Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to Bob and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.

Deep in the woods, Bob came upon a farmer's house and decided this would be a good place to start.

He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Dick) agreed to answer his questions.

Bob asked farmer Dick what event in his life had made him the happiest?

Farmer Dick replied, One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all had sex with it, we took it back to the farmer that lost it.

I can't print that, said Bob the reporter, Is there another event that made you really happy?

Farmer Dick thought for a minute and said, Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin' young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us had sex with her, we took her back to her daddy.

Again Bob knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Dick, Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?

Farmer Dick hung his head and replied, Well, I got lost once".

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My daughter came home from school with an assignment that asked to to finish the phrase, "I have a dream..." this is what she came up with.

I have a dream...

That one day handicap people will be able to park wherever they want to.

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Darn kinds

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.""Very good," said the teacher. Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!" Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

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My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II...

Since my grandfather had served during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, "Did you ever kill anyone?"

He got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, "Probably. I was the cook."

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My high school assignment

My high school assignment 
was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served 
in the Philippines during the war, 
I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, Did you ever kill anyone?

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, Probably. I was the cook.

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School Punishments

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny,Pat?"

"I just saw one of your garters!"

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

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'Potentially' and 'Realistically'

A kid comes home from school and says to his father, "Dad, today's assignment is to find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'." The dad replies, "Easy. Go ask Mom if she'd sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars." The kid runs off, and then returns. "She said yes." "Now go ask your sister the same question." The kid does as he's asked. "She also said yes." The dad answers, "So, potentially, we're sitting on 2 million dollars. But realistically, we're living with a pair of whores."

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A Teacher Assigns a Project to her Students...

The assignment was to think of a story in your life that has a good moral, then share that story with the class. On the day everyone had to present their story, everyone went but Mike.
"Mike," the teacher asked "What's your story?"
So, Mike stood up and went to the front of the class to begin. "Well, my daddy was a Fighter pilot in the Vietnam war. He was afraid of hights, so always drank 10 beers before missions. One day, he was shot down behind enemy lines. When he crashed, he exited his plane without harm. But, to his surprise, he was surrounded my 10 Vietnamese troops. He pulled out his pistol and shot 8. He then ran out of ammo. So, he pulled out his pocket knife and killed the last 2. He was eventually found and rescued after 5 days alone."
The teacher, amazed, asked "Well, Mike, what was the moral?"
Mike straightened up and proudly said to the class, "Don't fuck with daddy when he's drunk!"

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Clean Habits

Maybe an oldie but a goodie...

Two young nuns were fresh out of the convent when they've been assigned to a rectory that is being remodeled.

"Your first assignment is to repaint the offices. But it's very important that you don't get any paint on your brand new habit." The nuns discuss it and decide that maybe they should just lock the door and paint in the nude, to ensure that they keep their habits paint-free.

They were almost done painting when there was a knock on the door. One panics, thinking she needs to get dressed quickly, while the other one calls out "Who is it?"

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man. "Now, where do you want these blinds?"

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What rhymes with Timbuktu?

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Africa.

The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:

"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "

The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece:

"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three women cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "

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20,000 Dots

Your assignment was to produce a piece containing exactly 20,000 dots, my Art teacher said, but I only see one. They're on top of each other. I explained.

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Theory and Reality

Young Jimmy has an assignment to distinguish the difference between theory and reality. Not sure how to start he asks his dad.

"Dad, I need help with this assignment."

"What is is, son?"

"I need to explain the difference between theory and reality"

"Ahhh, that's easy. Here... go ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for one-million dollars.

So Jimmy goes and asks his mom, "Hey mom, would you sleep with Robert Redford for one-million dollars?" After a bit of contemplation, mom responds with a resounding yes. Jimmy goes back and tells his father the result.

"Ah-ha, just as I thought. Now, go ask your sister the same question about Brad Pitt."

Jimmy finds his sister and asks her. Without hesitation she says yes. Jimmy goes back to his father with the answer.

"...and there you have it, Jimmy."

"I don't get it dad." Jimmy responds.

Jimmy's father laughs and straightens up in his chair.

"In theory, we're sittin' on about two-million dollars... but in reality, we're living with a couple of whores."

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A flight crew is landing at an unfamiliar airport.

The control tower gives them a runway assignment, and they start their approach.

The pilot says, "Does that runway look kind of short to you?"

The co-pilot says, "It sure does."

"I thought it was supposed to be longer than that"

"Me too"

"Better set full flaps."

"Full flaps set."

"I want thrust reversers the minute we touch."

"Standing by on the thrust reversers."

"And full power once thrust reversers are set."

"Roger that."

"I'm gonna try to catch the very end of the runway, and stand on the brakes. Stand by to reverse thrust."

"Roger that."

They touch down, blast the thrust reversers, stomp the brakes, and just manage to get the plane stopped before it runs off into the grass.

The pilot says, "Damn, that was a short runway."

The co-pilot says, "Yeah, but look how *wide* it is."

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A Coca Cola salesman returns from his Middle East assignment...

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters... First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and fainting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."

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College Assignment: Short Story

So, the assignment in a college writing class was to compose a short story using as FEW words as possible, but in order to be accepted, the story had to include discussion of three things:


1) Religion

2) Sexuality

3) Mystery



The winning entry:

"God God! I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it."

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A dip and chip stand

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!"

Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

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Death Jokes for a homework assignment?

I'm taking a psychology of death and dying class, and one of the assignments is to dig up some jokes about death, dead people, dying, etc. Whatever you post here will probably make it into my paper. Anything you can think of will help and I'll probably end up laughing my ass off reading through here.

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Handed in an assignment late today, looks like my teacher is giving black Friday deals too.

50% off

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So there was a competition between polices...

(...) and the three finalists on this efficiency competition were: Interpol, FBI and Rio de Janeiro's Elite Squad.

The last assignment was really simple. They should retrieve a small rabbit after being released in a jungle. The group doing it in less time wins.

First went Interpol, with a few agents, smart interrogation techniques, good wits and in 15 minutes they were back with the rabbit.

Next the FBI invaded the jungle with helicopters, infra-red goggles, fast cars, etc., and in 10 minutes they were back with the rabbit.

Last the Rio de Janeiro's Elite Squad started the chase only with an old and rusty SUV, to come back with only 5 minutes passed. They showed a poorly dressed, beaten up, bruised black teenager dressed as a rabbit screaming: "I'm a rabbit, I swear I'm a pretty white bunny!"

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A coke seller

The disappointed salesman of coke returns from middle east assignment. A friend asked," why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained," when I got posted in the middle east, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as cola is unknown there. But I had a problem I didn't know Arabic.

So I planned to convey this message through 3 posters. The first poster is a man crawling through the hot desert. Second the man drinker cola and third man is totally refreshed. Then these posters were hanged everywhere there."

"That should have worked."said the friend.

He replied," well I didn't know Arabic neither realized that Arabs read from right to left...."

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Did you hear about the assassin who was given forty years to complete his assignment?

He had some time to kill.

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The Perfect Penis

A second grade teacher told to her class
*"Children, we are going to begin to study sex education. Tonight, your first assignment is to find out what a penis is"*
Little Tommy goes home and asks his father
*"Daddy, what is a penis?"*
The father pulls down his pants and points proudly saying,
*"Son, that is a perfect penis."*

The next day when Tommy gets to school his best friend comes running up to him on the playground. *"Tommy,"* says his friend, *"I forgot to find out what a penis is!" What's a penis?"* Tommy says, *"Come on,"* So they both go to the boys room and Tommy pulls down his pants. He points down and says, *"There, if that was a little smaller, it would be a perfect penis!"*

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Harry Potter, for a magical creatures lesson had the assignment of looking after a magical gecko.

He took great care of it , and was graded A for nurturing the pet so well. However shortly after receiving the grade for his assignment , the gecko escaped and went missing.

Harry was understandably upset about this, and a couple weeks of searching went by to no avail.

Then one day Hagrid comes running up to Harry, holding what looks like a portable cage with a scaly looking animal inside.

What's this? An excited looking Potter asks.

Your A lizard, Harry.

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Calvin had a mean teacher.

So when he missed a deadline for an assignment, Calvin begged for an extension.

The teacher said, No, I'm giving you a 0, Calvin.

Calvin replied, You are absolutely cold.

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Lois Lane is on an assignment in Japan.

Meanwhile Superman is flying around saving the day, he misses Lois and is feeling horny.

He flies over the Justice League headquarters and sees Wonder Woman on her back, sunbathing nude on the roof. He contemplates for a moment and decides to make his move.

As fast as a speeding bullet he swoops in penetrates and flies away.

Wonder Woman flinches, looks around and says "what the Hell was that?!"

The invisible man says "I don't know but my ass is killing me!"

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One day, at Webster Dictionary's Word Assignment Briefing...

"Nichols," Mr. Lipney, lead word assigner, said, "I'm trusting you to define plethora for next year's edition."

"Thanks Mr. Lipney," Nichols responds, beaming. "It means a lot!"

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Kindergarten

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting, and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude, but eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

It's a period, reported Johnnie.

Well I can see that, she said, But what is so exciting about a period.

Damned if I know, said Johnnie, But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.

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What are the most funny Assignment jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Assignment? Well, here are the best Assignment dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Assignment pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes