JokoJokes

Assigned Jokes

68 assigned jokes and hilarious assigned puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about assigned that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Assigned Short Jokes

Short assigned jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The assigned humour may include short assignment jokes also.

  1. A police officer was assigned to hunt a dangerous cannibal on his first day on the job All the more seasoned officers had already been eaten
  2. My religious studies professor assigned an essay about the last days of Christ. I totally nailed it.
  3. 20,000 Dots Your assignment was to produce a piece containing exactly 20,000 dots, my Art teacher said, but I only see one. They're on top of each other. I explained.
  4. Why did the police chief assign the epileptic cop to K9 patrol? They made a perfect team. The K9 did the searches and the cop did the seizures!
  5. Studies suggest that parents can do 1/3 of their kids' math assignments However, they struggle with the other 3/4
  6. In a job swapping exercise , a politician was assigned the job Of a math teacher .
    Guess what did he teach the kids in the class.
    Division
  7. Handed in an assignment late today, looks like my teacher is giving black Friday deals too. 50% off
  8. School report. My teacher gave us an assignment to tell her our idols and then say what we would do if they walked in our house. I got off easy because I said Stephen Hawking.
  9. A survey has found that majority of women assign a certain ringtone for their partner.
    Men do that too. It's called silent.
  10. Did you hear about the assassin who was given forty years to complete his assignment? He had some time to kill.

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Assigned One Liners

Which assigned one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with assigned? I can suggest the ones about appointed and designated.

  1. For a final paper, I was assigned to write 3000 words So I put 3 pictures in there.
  2. How did my computer eat the programming assignment? It took a couple bytes.
  3. What happens when you assign a feminist a scientific classifier? You get nomenclature.
  4. My love for you is like a copied assignment... I just can't explain it.
  5. What task was assigned to the last electron to join the military? Survalence
  6. We had an assignment on terrorists in school once. I bombed it of course
  7. I once had a temp job at a prune processing plant It was a plumb assignment
  8. They say a picture is worth 1000 words This assignment is gonna be a breeze.
  9. All immigrants should be assigned a house And a leaf blower
  10. My highest APM count? The evening before the assignment is due.
  11. I did a programming assignment. My grade for that assignment was C++.
  12. A man went to assign a lawyer The lawyer told him he only accepts pen signatures.
  13. Why don't I lose homework assignments? Because I protect my packets with SSL.
  14. How did the shelf stocker feel after being assigned additional work? More rows!
  15. What's a Mexican's favorite assignment? Ese's(Essays)

Assigned joke, What's a Mexican's favorite assignment?

Assigned Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter

What funny jokes about assigned you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean occupied jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make assigned pranks.

Little Johnny Has A Question

A boy comes home from school one day looking for his father. He has an assignment that he needs a little help with. He finds his father and tells him that he has to write a paper explaining the difference between potentially and actually.
His father says to him "That's an easy one", "Go upstairs and find your sister; ask her if she'd sleep with the mailman for $10,000."
So the boy does as he is told. When he comes back down he tells his father what he learned. "She said yes, dad." "So," said his dad "Find your mother, now, and ask her if she'd sleep with the mailman for $10,000 as well."
The boy does as he is asked, and then returns to his father again.
"She said yes too, dad." "Well, there you go." said the dad.
The boy looked at his father, puzzled.
He smiled, "Potentially we're sitting on a gold mine; but, actually I live with a couple of w**...!"

No problems

A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

A 2nd grade class just gets in from recess...

The teacher tells the class they're going to do a spelling assignment that relates to what they did for recess. "If you can come up to the board and write the word I give you, you'll get a gold star for the day," the teacher explains. "Tommy, what'd you do for recess?" she asks the first student. "Well," Tommy begins, "I played in the sand box with Suzy!" "Okay great. If you can come to the board and spell the word 'sand' I'll give you a gold star." So Tommy goes up to the board, spells 'sand' and gets a gold star for the day. Then the teacher asks Suzy, "Suzy, what'd you do for recess today?" So Suzy answers, "like Tommy said, we played in the sand box together." "Okay," the teacher thinks, "if you can come up to the board and spell 'box' I'll give you a gold star. So Suzy spells 'box' and gets a gold star for the day. Then the teacher asks the third student, "Tyrone, what'd you do for recess today?" "Well I wanted to play in the sand box with Tommy and Suzy but they wouldn't let me," Tyrone answers. "Oh no!" says the teacher, "That's terrible! Do you know what that's called? That's called 'racial discrimination.' If you can come up to the board and spell 'racial discrimination' I'll give you a gold star."

A minister and a lawyer at the pearly gates.

A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.
"Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, (to the lawyer) the keys to our finest p**... suit."
"This is unfair!" cried the minister.
"Listen," Saint Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've seen."

A teacher assigns her students to read a chapter of a book.

"Class, I want you to read chapter 31 of the book I assigned you. Understood?"
The entire class agreed. "Okay. Class is dismissed. Remember to read it."
Skip to the next day in the classroom. "Okay, so whoever read chapter 31, please stand up."
Every student stood up. "Now, all of you go to the principals office."
Every student is shocked and confused.
"Why, you ask? There isn't any chapter 31!".

Theory vs Reality

Little Billy had a homework assignment to compare theory and reality. The boy asked his father what the difference was between theory and reality. His father told him, 'Go ask your mother if she would have s**... with the mailman for a million dollars.' The boy asks his mother and she says she would. Billy tells his father she would have s**... with the mailman for million dollars.
The father then tells the boy, 'Now go as your sister if she would have s**... with the mailman for a million dollars.' The boy asks his sister and she to says she would have s**... with the mailman.
Little Billy goes and tells his father both his mom and his sister would have s**... with the mailman and his father says, "Well son, in theory we're multimillionaires, but in reality we live with a couple of w**....

My daughter came home from school with an assignment that asked to to finish the phrase, "I have a dream..." this is what she came up with.

I have a dream...
That one day handicap people will be able to park wherever they want to.

A young priest...

A freshly ordained young priest was walking to his newly assigned parish in the inner city. As he walked down the street, a p**... stopped him and said, "Hey father, $20 for a b**...." The priest had never heard of such a thing and hurried away from the p**....
When he arrived at the church he was greeted by the Mother Superior who showed him around the place and guided him to his room. Before she left the priest alone in his room, she asked if he had any questions.
The young priest said, "I do have one question, Mother Superior, what is a b**...?"
And the old nun says, "Twenty bucks, same as on the street."

It's that time of year again...

A female student goes to a male professor and says "I would be willing to do ANYTHING to get a good grade"
The professor replies "Anything?"
The student suggestively replies, " Yes, anything!"
The professor says "Good! Come to class, hand in assignments on time and study!"

A new monk arrives at the monastery.....

and is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that instead of copying the original books , they are copying the copies.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books sobbing. He asks what's wrong.
"The word is celebrate. " says the old monk with tears in his eyes.

My boss recently fired me...

So, my boss recently fired me and he sent me an email that read "I did not want to fire you, but I had to. You were slacking on every project I assigned to you and you get too easily distracted. Please stop by and pick up your things, OK? I expect to see that your office is empty by Saturday."
I then realized how much OK resembled a stick-man.

A priest and a shepherd...

... from Australia participate in a gameshow on TV. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It's a city in Africa.
The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:
"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "
The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his poem:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three ladies cheap to rent.
But they were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "

Joanna joined work..

.. and was assigned a workstation next to Michaela.
Michaela smiled at her and asked her, 'Where are you from?'
Joanna furrowed her brows and replied curtly, 'Where I am from, we don't end questions with prepositions.'
Michaela answered coolly, 'Oh, I'm sorry. Where are you from, b**...?'

Sorry, tuba players...

A father decides to put his son in a music class. The teacher assigns him the tuba and the dad goes home, leaving his kid there.
When the child comes home, the dad asks "What did you do today?"
The child said "I learned how to play the C Note!"
The next day, the dad asks "What did you do today?"
The child said "I learned how to play the G Note!"
The next day, the dad asks "What did you do today?"
"I joined the orchestra!"

What's the most assigned elementary school essay in Chicago?

"What I want to be *IF* I grow up"

College Assignment: Short Story

So, the assignment in a college writing class was to compose a short story using as FEW words as possible, but in order to be accepted, the story had to include discussion of three things:
1) Religion
2) Sexuality
3) Mystery
The winning entry:
"God God! I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it."

My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II...

Since my grandfather had served during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, "Did you ever kill anyone?"
He got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, "Probably. I was the cook."

guy just got out of prison

And he's talking about his first night there with a buddy. He was assigned a cell on the third tier balcony, with a 300 lb muscle head. So he says his new cell mate gave him an ultimatum: have s**..., or jump off the blacony.
His buddy then asks, "so did you jump? "
He answers, "just a little at first"

One day, at Webster Dictionary's Word Assignment Briefing...

"Nichols," Mr. Lipney, lead word assigner, said, "I'm trusting you to define plethora for next year's edition."
"Thanks Mr. Lipney," Nichols responds, beaming. "It means a lot!"

Lucy, Linus, and Charlie Brown are assigned a history project.

Each person was assigned a country to report on.
Wow! Lucy said. I got Italy!
Interesting exclaimed Linus. I got Germany.
With dismay, Charlie Brown said, I got Iraq.

The Deadliest Job in WW2

My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, Did you ever kill anyone?
Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, Probably. I was the cook.

Calvin had a mean teacher.

So when he missed a deadline for an assignment, Calvin begged for an extension.
The teacher said, No, I'm giving you a 0, Calvin.
Calvin replied, You are absolutely cold.

Nikola Tesla was in trouble - he had not done his electrical studies assignment and his teacher was not happy...

His teacher asks, "well, where is it?".
Searching for a legitimate excuse, Tesla says, "I did it - but the dog ate my ohmwork".

An Army Captain is assigned to a remote desert post in Iraq

During inspection, he notices a camel t**... outside the barracks. He asks the soldier, "why is that camel there?"
The soldier says: "There are 250 men here and no women. Sometimes men get urges."
A month later the Captian has urges himself. He puts the ladder behind the camel, drops his trousers and has s**... with the camel. He asks the soldier: "Is that how the men do it?"
"No sir, they usually ride it to the brothel!"

I work as a spy for the US government.

One of my more deadly assignments involved going after a mad scientist in Italy. I was having dinner with one of my contacts over some delicious cheesy rigatoni. Then, out of nowhere, I was hit by a shrink ray and tossed into my food with the sound of evil laughter. Fraught by the perils of steaming hot carbs around me, I knew that for now, escape would have to be my mission.
Mission in pasta bowl.

Even though Sea World is shut down, the animals still need to be taken care of

Obama answers the call for volunteers. On his first day, they assign him to feed the baby dolphins.
As he is doing so, another volunteer accosts him "Our country is in crisis. Don't you have anything better to do?"
He replied "I think I'm serving a youthful porpoise."

In 8th grade english class I wrote a script titled "The Pun"

The very first set description in the script said that the stage was to be painted over with random words and phrases.
When I handed in the assignment, my teacher came up to me and asked: "Why is your script titled 'The Pun' and why is the floor covered with phrases?"
"Because my script is a play on words!"

Young man fresh out of college gets a job at a factory

When he arrives he surprised that he is assigned as junior janitor. Shocked he asks for the manager who hired him. Didn't you read I have a double major in Social Science and Anthropology
Oh says the man, I must have missed that. OK let me explain. Lift the mop up and put in the bucket, then wipe the dirty floor with it.

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
''Darned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

Thank you for calling the 2020AD customer support line

All of our natural disasters, plagues, and political upheavals are currently busy. If you are not experiencing a natural disaster, plague, or political upheaval, one will be assigned to you shortly. Please stay on the line, and thank you for choosing 2020.

A group of old friends met at a resort for their annual vacation.

They had a long-standing tradition of sharing jokes with each other. They'd been doing this so long that they just assigned numbers to the jokes to make it easier to tell them.
Someone would shout out 24 or 13 and everyone would laugh.
This went on for a long and then one person yelled 52 and they all laughed harder than normal. One of the newbies to the group, who was completely lost, asked why that joke was so funny.
Oh, that was a new one.

Cain, son of Adam, had a s**... load of responsibilities.

Aside from being a farmer Cain was supposed to m**... his brother and do a whole slew of other s**... so that future generations could learn from his mistakes. The lord felt pity for Cain's workload and assigned another human to shoulder some of the load. He called him co-cain. Co-cain helped him get s**... done.

A man was interviewing for a position with the CIA (Part 1)

He turns up to the interview and there are two other guys.
The first guy gets taken in for an interview and is asked: Who killed Jesus Christ? He replies "The Jews".
The second guy gets taken in and is asked the same thing, to which he replies "The Romans".
The third guy (our guy) gets taken in and when asked the same question he replies "Hmm, I'll have to go home and think about that for a while".
When he got home, his wife asked how he went and he replied enthusiastically "It went really well, I've been assigned a case already!"

"I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework." Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, "Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?"

"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."

After telling my teenage daughter she has to be home by eleven

Daughter: Why are you so mean!
Me: Well, I consider myself to be above average.
Daughter: What's that mean?
Me: I suppose I could assign each letter a value and then add them up and give you the mean.
Daughter: Are you crazy?
Me: No, that's how you calculate the mean.
Daughter: I don't know what that means.
Me: I don't know yet either, I have to calculate it.
Daughter: Ugh, why do you have to be like this. I'll be home at eleven.
Game, set, match, Dad wins.

I made up a new word today...

"Plagiarism"
Side note: my son was assigned in class to make up a new word, definition, etc. He turned in "Plagiarism", teacher gave him a smile and full credit.
Also, this joke is totally original and not stolen without attribution.

I had a friend who was assigned male at birth, but fully transitioned to female later in life…

I know people will argue about how courageous that was,
But I know that surgery took b**....

There's only one mother.

Little Johnny got an assignment to write an essay for homework. The title of the essay: There's only one mother. He proceeded to write:
"When I came home from school, I stumbled over my dad that was passed out drunk in front of the door. I heard the commotion upstairs so I ran up to check. I found my mom in bed with our neighbor. Mom asked me to get two bottles of beer from the fridge. I went downstairs, opened the fridge and there was only one bottle, so I shouted "There's only one, mother!""

A Book Series Never Written…

The Assignment Chronicles
* Book 1 written by Ken U. Duitt
* Book 2 written by Noah Kent
* Book 3 written by Nora Cannai
* Book 4 written by May Neether
* Book 5 written by Al Trayet
* Book 6 written by Cole Laktiv-Raleif

Elmo gone wrong…

A new hire at Hasbro was assigned to quality control on the Tickle Me Elmo line.
After an hour, the line foreman saw the line grind to a stop. Frustrated workers are yelling, stepping away from the machines, and angrily looking towards the end of the line.
There is the new hire, furiously working with needle and thread, empty boxes and plush Elmos falling around her. The foreman goes over to see what the problem is, and finds a stack of red felt pieces and a bucket of marbles.
No, no!! I told you to give each Elmo two *test tickles!!*

Assigned joke, Elmo gone wrong…