The Best 23 Asshole Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Asshole jokes. There are some asshole arse jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these asshole schlong puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Asshole Jokes and Puns

John Kerry joke Massie

John Kerry said to Thomas Massie tested positive for being an asshole

What do you call someone who's really nice in person, but an asshole on the internet?

An asshole

Where do assholes come from?

Sonova Beach

A state trooper is sitting at the end of a tunnel and pulls over a motorist for speeding.

License and registration the officer says.

No problem replies the motorist.

What are you doing out so late sir? the officer asks.

Just had a late night at work he replies.

Really? What do you do for work? the officer says.

Well...I'm an asshole stretcher he says.

An asshole stretcher?

Yeah, I take assholes and stretch them as far as you want, up to 6 feet

What would anyone do with a six foot asshole?! The office exclaims.

Well, the state gives them a car and puts one at the end of a tunnel!

Two guys walk into a bar,

One of them asks the bartender for a drink. He takes a sip and jumps out of the window and starts flying. He then comes back in and said to his friend, "You have to try this drink, it makes you fly."

So his friend takes a sip, runs over and jumps out the window, and falls right onto the concrete.

Then the bartender says,"Your a real asshole when your drunk Superman."


Sharing Secrets

Tammy and Margo met for drinks at Happy Hour. After a few drinks Tammy said, I have to tell you a secret, I am getting a boob job.

Margo said, Wow, that is awesome. Let me know, and I will help you any way that I can.

After a few more drinks Margo said, I wasn't going to tell you, but I am going to have my asshole bleached.

Tammy thought a moment and said, Really?, I can't picture your husband as a blonde.

The sheriff of a small Texan town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 60 miles per hour in a 30-mile an hour zone.

The man behind the wheel, a San Francisco law associate, was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole of the world!"

There was a five second pause as the magistrate looked at him. Then he asked, "You just passing through?"

A man was sitting on a park bench reading about the pro-trump rioters

Suddenly he threw the paper to the ground and yelled, "All politicians are assholes."
The man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit said, "I take offense at that!"
"Why?" the first man asked. "Are you a politician?"
"No, " he replied, "I am an asshole. "

Received a call from the recruitment consultant. She said to me: "Sir i have two openings for you".

I replied: Yes. I know

There was a long silence and then she said: asshole

I replied: I prefer the other one.

My Sergeant told me I'm guilty of insubordination.

I'm not going to listen to that asshole.

A Texan visits Harvard ...

He meets a student and asks, "Say there, do you know where the bathroom's at?" The student replies, "Sir, here at Harvard we speak properly, and certainly don't end our sentences with prepositions."

Texan replies, "OK, where's the bathroom at, asshole?"

You can explore asshole bumhole reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean asshole arsehole dad jokes. There are also asshole puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


If assholes could fly...

Reddit would be an international airport.

I don't believe in the death penalty

the last person I want to see in Hell is the asshole who just killed me.

What do you call an evil asshole?

Heinous

A nurse goes to make a note on a chart, but when she reaches into her pocket, she pulls out a rectal thermometer.

Annoyed, she mutters to herself, "dammit, some asshole has got my pen."

What do you call an albino white supremacist?

An asshole.

It was a bad idea doing tacos the night before the big meeting. Everyone looked shocked when I accidentally farted loudly.

I looked back at them, just as shocked. After a moment, I broke the awkward silence, and said,

"Did you hear that asshole talking shit behind my back?"

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are in a car ...

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are in a car. They get pulled over.
Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am!" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35."
Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "You have a dead cat back here!"
"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger.

After a tough week, a colleague said he was totally wiped out.

I said, "You're an asshole. What did you expect?"


Dad cooks dinner.

He gives his kids deer meat, but doesn't tell them but gives them a clue.

Dad: What kind of meat is this, it's something mom calls me every day.

Sarah: OMG Billy, It's an asshole don't eat it.

A student visits the principal's office one day

A student visits the principal's office one day and the principal says to him, What's your name, son? He replies: D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir. The principal looks up and asks him, Oh, do you have a stutter?
The student replies, No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.

For All of my Fellow Bartenders...

What's the difference between a bartender and a proctologist ?



A proctologist only has to deal with one asshole at a time.

What are the longest hairs on the human body?

Nose hairs. Because every time you pull one your asshole twitches.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the asshole dickhead jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working asshole shit piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes