Assembly Jokes
44 assembly jokes and hilarious assembly puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about assembly that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Need a break from coding in assembly language? Check out this funny collection of jokes about assembly lines, IKEA furniture assembly, school assemblies and more. Laugh along and appreciate the absurdity of causation and the essential role of the headmaster in the assembly process.
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Funniest Assembly Short Jokes
Short assembly jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The assembly humour may include short assemble jokes also.
- It's 2021, and President Joe Biden is told he needs to assemble a cabinet Coming back from IKEA, he realizes he's greatly misunderstood the task
- My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure. He prescribed two IKEA self-assembly wardrobes.
- So the wolf of Wall Street has the f word used 569 times making almost 3 times a minute That record was broken by my dad this afternoon while trying to assemble an ikea tv stand
- I recently rejected a junior software dev job at IKEA. I kinda know java, kotlin and some php but unfortunately Assembly was required.
- So Marvel and Ikea decided to do a crossover series. Marvel replaced the "Suit up" catchphrase with... ..."Avengers Assemble".
- An arm amputee bought a wooden cupboard from IKEA which was sent to his home for his self assembly. Needless to say, he was stumped.
- My head teacher started her assembly by saying "it came to my attention yesterday" I really don't like being called "it"
- why do automotive line workers like the 1st Amendment. It gives them the right to assemble.
- My wife bought us an avengers puzzle to do together... I said great. We can put some music on, have a few drinks and assemble the avengers.
- A guy goes to Ikea for a job interview Welcome sir, nice to have you. Please assemble that chair over there and take a seat.
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Assembly One Liners
Which assembly one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with assembly? I can suggest the ones about construction and setup.
- ceo of IKEA is now the Prime Minister of Sweden He is currently assembling his cabinet.
- Thor, Iron Man and Hulk walk into IKEA... Avengers... Assemble
- My old school was sponsored by IKEA... Assembly took ages.
- Stands, tables, meatballs, sofas and Sweden It's an IKEA joke...some assembly required
- I bought an Avengers LEGO set. It's fun to Assemble.
- How do you assemble a computer? Bit by bit.
- What do you call a Mexican dude who helps you assemble stuff? Manuel
- A place where they assemble okay products is called ...a Satis Factory.
- Being atheist is like buying a floor model No assembly required.
- ASSEMBLE INTROVERTS!!! disperse.
- I bought a book on programming at IKEA. There was some assembly required.
- I like IKEA furniture, but... ...I hate that I have to assemble it my shelf.
- If you show me an Italian assembly line... I'll show you a well oiled machine.
- People who sew in an assembly line Have their work cut out for them.
- James Hetfield walks into ikea .. And assembles himself.
Ikea Assembly Jokes
Here is a list of funny ikea assembly jokes and even better ikea assembly puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Ingar Kamprad, the founder of IKEA has passed away - flat pack coffins
- Allen key
- left over parts
- missing screws
This joke needs some assembly - We All KEA! My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, "Assembly required."
Assembly Line Jokes
Here is a list of funny assembly line jokes and even better assembly line puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you know that America auto manufacturers name their cars on the assembly line? Yours should say Check Engine under the speedometer.
- My life was so boring until I managed to get a job on a sofa assembly line I found it settees factory
- There's a rumor that Steve Jobs, has been a Buddhist, has been reincarnated as a factory worker on a sweatshop assembly line in China.
General Assembly Jokes
Here is a list of funny general assembly jokes and even better general assembly puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The UN general assembly.
Assembly Language Jokes
Here is a list of funny assembly language jokes and even better assembly language puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Assembly Language Joke Why did A get 16 years in bit prison?
Because A is a Register X offender
Uplifting Assembly Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about assembly you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean organisation jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make assembly pranks.
What did Optimus Prime say when he came back from Ikea?
Autobots, assemble!
(edit : a big ♥ to all the kind people who made this silly post live despite the fact I mix up Autobots and Avengers. Long live the Autovengers!)
My dad just called a family meeting.
Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.
"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.
"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says assembly required".
Bellboy
Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.
"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."
King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.
It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'
'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for.
He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. 'Merlin, you are a genius!' cried the grateful monarch, 'Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.'
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
'Sir Galahad' exclaimed King Arthur, 'the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How much of s**... is work?
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of s**... was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending on how drunk he was at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was your opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
A company of the French Foreign Legion are lost in the desert...
The Captain assembles his men and says: "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is... we have run out of food and there is nothing to eat but sand. The good news is... there's plenty."
An artist is commissioned to create a painting to celebrate Soviet-Polish relations...
to be entitled 'Lenin in Poland'.
Around a month later the artist unveils his painting to a crowd of Soviet dignitaries, and it is greeted by gasps of disgust
The painting depicts Lenin's wife in bed with Leonid Trotsky
One of the assembled guests asks 'But where is Lenin?'
To which the artist replied, 'Lenin's in Poland'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dave knows everyone joke
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
“Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“Pope Francis,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the f**... is that on the balcony with Dave?’
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In school, we had an assembly on bullying
The teacher spoke about a young gay boy, being bullied because of his sexuality. She spoke in length about his life, and the verbal a**... he suffers. She then asked a question, 'How do you think he takes it?' Apparently, 'Up the a**...!' wasn't a suitable answer.
Harry Potter Joke
While assembling a new shelf for the wife she instructed me. "Don't mess up the floor!" So I threw down the flatten box with authority and proclaimed, "Protecto Dafloor'um"
The eye rolls for her and the kids were priceless!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Our Mexican friend is a w**... when it comes to assembling IKEA furniture.
He is our instruction Manuel.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I assembled an IKEA keyboard
it's amain h**... many spare parts they ive you
Two elves are winding down in the North Pole bar after a long day of making toys.
After downing some shots of peppermint schnapps, the first elf says to the second, That COVID outbreak in China has really messed up the toy production schedule. I don't think Santa has ever pushed us so hard! .
The second one added, Yeah, things were so bad today that Rudolph and Blitzen were even called in to work on the assembly line.
The first one got an odd look on his face and said, Well, that explains why those Raisinets I found on the floor tasted so strange.
