The Best 87 Assault Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Assault jokes. There are some assault raid jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these assault naoh puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Assault Jokes and Puns

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

What do you call NaCl and a 9 volt being thrown at you?

Assault and battery.

An original: Why did the Ghost get cleared on sexual assault?

DNA evidence could not prove that he wraithed her.

Yes it's bad, but I was trying to think of a joke that involved the word wraith and this is the best I could come up with. Would love to hear other jokes that use the word wraith.

Assault joke, An original: Why did the Ghost get cleared on sexual assault?

NaCl / NaOH

The base is under assault!

Why did Sodium Chloride get arrested?

Assault.


Police hunting a man for indecent assault.

Applications close next week.

Last night , A man best his wife with a flashlight outside the bar I work at

He's being charged with assault and the flashlight is being charged with battery...

Assault joke, Last night , A man best his wife with a flashlight outside the bar I work at

Do you guys have any clean ish Super Hero jokes?

I'm going to be an Emcee at a superhero themed event and some jokes would be great. The sexual assault superman one just won't fly. Many people there aren't really into super heros but some (very few) are.

My favorite so far is...

If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up....they would be alloys.

They say the music you listen too is tied to your personality;I listen to Chris Brown.

Two counts of assault and one hit and run.

I don't get sports lingo.

It's always offsides this, penalty that, murder this, sexual assault that.

Last night, a man assaulted me with milk, butter and cheese.

Not much to say really, I got whipped and he got charged with assault and buttery.

You can explore assault assailant reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean assault burglary dad jokes. There are also assault puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


What did the Duracell Bunny get arrested for?

Assault and battery

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

Why is a fencing sword more likely to commit sexual assault

because its a bit rapier.

What do you call an assault which is both positive and negative?

A battery.

Did you hear the one about the American military aviation enthusiast who bought himself a French fighter plane?

He was arrested for possession of an Assault Rafale.

Assault joke, Did you hear the one about the American military aviation enthusiast who bought himself a French fig

Bill Cosby was charged with sexual assault

I guess the proof was in the pudding

What did the Criminal call his new pretzel company?

Assault and Buttery

I was at a party...

I was walking around when I realized I had left my watch on the bed in the master bedroom. I worked my way through the crowd of people and opened the bedroom door. There on the bed was a guy who was sexually assaulting a drunk girl. I walked right up to him and punched him square in the face. Nobody is going to sexually assault a girl...not on my watch.


Chumlee was arrested for sexual assault, drugs, and guns.

Do you think Rick will go to the court and haggle down his sentence?

The police seem to be making up the law as they go along

I got into a fight with a white man last month, the police intervened and I was charged with assault.

Last night I beat up a black guy, they intervened again and they charged me with impersonating a police officer.

Two nuns in the park...

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.

Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!"

A sloth was walking through the jungle one day when he was set upon by a gang of vicious snails.

The snails left him bleeding and confused at the bottom of a tree. Several hours later he summoned the strength to go to the police station and report the assault.

He was asked by the desk sergeant to describe his attackers. He replied, I don't know what they looked like, it all happened so fast.

Breast feeding

I hate when people tell me to stop breast feeding in public.

I mean, whenever a baby does it it's natural but when I do it it's sexual assault

I was arrested for assault with a chicken.

The cops suspected foul play.

The man who stole my car was arrested for sexual assault

He was jacking my car

I killed a slug last night...

Got arrested for assault.

Did you hear about the guy who got pulled over?

The cops received a warrant and were able to search his car and they opened the glove box and ended up finding sodium chloride and a nine volt...

He got charged with assault and battery

I lost my job at the hospital today for sexual assault....

It's not my fault that they put up a sign that said, 'stroke patients downstairs'.

What did the court say about the sexual assault of a pope on a 14 yo girl?

"Eh, it's just a minor problem"

Donald Trump said, "I declare April as Sexual Assault Awareness month."

His aide said, "So what do think are some good ways to prevent it?"

Trump replied, "Prevent it?"

Things that keep doctors away:

1: apples

2: assault by airplane staff

Oxygen and potassium went on a date...

...it went ok.

Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.

The other chemicals were like 'omg'!

Two noble gases went on a date.

There was no reaction.

Two protons went on a date.

There was no attraction.

Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.

They felt a little sour after it.

Hydrogen and nitrogen went on a date.

They had a basic night out.

Sodium and chlorine went on a date.

There was assault.

Potassium and water went on a date.

It was lit.

Someone threw a dollar coin at the Mayor of Detroit

Police are trying to figure out if it's assault or a bailout package.

Sodium Chloride and Sulphuric Acid were in jail

Turns out they were in for assault and battery

Why did the English teacher assault his dumb student?

He was hoping for a sentence.

A pastor was charge for assault after claiming he was a pacifist.

He also stated that if anybody disrespects the Bible they will catch these pastor fist.

How do you call an assault made by twins?

Attack of the clones

A psycopath goes into a store

He approaches the person at the counter and asks:

-Hello sir, may I have an assault rifle, 3,000 rounds, a scope, and a box of penicillin?

-Sorry sir, I can't sell you penicillin without a prescription.

What institution has powerful old men who sexually assault people, has a sick inner circle of keeping people quite, influenced thousands of people, and has a black book?

Hollywood

With all the recent allegations of sexual assault...

I want to come out that I sexually assaulted a lamp. I know it isn't illegal, but it does shed light on my past

Michael J Fox is the next hollywood star accused of sexual assault.

His victim said "his hands were everywhere"

Captain Morgan now facing sexual assault accusations. Local authorities asking victims one question.

Have you had a little Captain in you?

Why do male victims in Hollywood forget their sexual assault incidents?

They were feeling Spacey.

What is the only trigonometric function with sexual assault allegations against it?

cos(b)

Finally decided to get some counseling on sexual assault.

Turns out, it's only for the victims.

Sexual Assault...

....Its a touchy subject

Joke rules for my house:

First of all, most all jokes are acceptable in this house.. except abortion jokes. Because jokes are all about the delivery...
Absolutely no PMS jokes. Period. No sexual assault jokes.. thats a touchy subject. Dead baby jokes on the other hand.. never get old!

Why is mace an assault

When it's really a pepper

Everything in Australia can kill you

Except for one thing, an assault rifle

Everyone jokes that everything in Australia can kill you.

You know what probably won't kill you?

An Assault rifle.

Why is it a crime to put condiments on your power supply?

Because it's assault and battery.

I wanted a new drill for my birthday, so when my wife asked, I told her to get a Black and Decker...

She's due in court next week on a racially-aggravated assault charge.

I was filling my car with leaded gasoline wearing some comfortable aesbestos boots. As I popped a thalidomide pill into my mouth I thought...

"A government ban on assault weapons would never work..."

Did you hear about the guitar player who was arrested for sexual assault?

He was fingering A Minor......

#METOO

Many adults still read the symbol # as 'pound,' not 'hashtag' so imagine their surprise to learn a movement meant to bring awareness to sexual assault and harassment was named 'pound me too,'

*assault rifle tips fedora*

M'16.

What do you call an assault by a Pacific Islander?

Hawaiian Punch

Now that most of California has banned the use of straws,

I just going to have to drink my frappuccino through this assault rifle.

What did the dictionary go to jail for?

Textual Assault

A guy enters in a bar...

A angry guy enters in a bar with an assault rifle in his hands. When they saw him, every customers went silent in fear. The angry guy screamed : " where is the guy that slept with me wife?!? " Every customer stared at each other, then started laughing. "What's so funny?", asked the one holding the gun. A customer at the back of the back then yelled : "No chances you have enough ammo in there! "

How do you show a slug who's boss?

Assault him.

What did the water say after the HCl attacked the NaOH?

That's assault.

I think that people who say AR-15 stands for assault rifle are stupid.

Armalite?

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was recently in court for sixual assault

What do you call a sword that commits sexual assault?

A Rapier!

I stopped hanging out with one of my friends when he was charged with sexual assault;;

I'm worried he might rub off on me.

A guy enters in a bar, angry af, with an assault rifle.

The whole place goes silent as he slams the door.

Angry guy : Who in here slept with my wife?!?

Some random guy at the back of the bar starts to laugh.

Angry guy : What's so funny?!?

Random guy : No chance you have enough bullets in that gun !

A child walks into a supermarket in America.

A child walks into a supermarket in America and tries to buy 5 bars of snickers and an assault rifle. The cashier saids, 'I'm sorry, I can't sell this to you'. The child replies; 'Why?' The cashier then saids; 'that's too much chocolate for a little boy to have'.

I kicked a nasty habit today.

Consequently, the nun wearing it filed assault charges against me.

Being white can be hard...

I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy and then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

Me: is it a crime to throw sodium chloride at someone?

Judge: yes, that's assault.

Me: ik that's a salt, but is it a crime??

I was once assaulted by a group of mimes.

I never heard them coming

Chemistry Jokes

Me :Is it a crime to throw Sodium Chloride at a woman?
Judge: Yes, that's assault
Me: I know it's a salt but is it a crime?

Me and my girlfriend go really well together. First off, we've both been arrested.

Her for aggravated assault and me for aggravated apepper

What do the protesters season their food with?

Assault and pepper spray.

I used to make bets with a cop that he'd never get away with assault.

He beat me every time.

The other day I punched a white dude and got arrested for assault,

Today I punched a black guy and got arrested for impersonating a police officer.

Ron Jeremy was arrested for sexual assault

Because Ron Jeremy is 67 years old, Prosecutors are worried the evidence won't stand up in court.
Further, Ron Jeremy is entitled to a jury of his peers. Prosecutors are afraid it will be a hung jury.

Went to to the doctor the other day to check my reflexes

Now he's suing me for assault because I made him infertile

Another three nuns joke....Three nuns are walking home late one night when suddenly they are attacked by three men.

The men pull them into the bushes and begin to assault them.

The first nun, clutching her rosary beads says, "forgive him Lord, he knows not what he does."

The second one closes her eyes and says, "forgive him Lord, he knows not what he does."

The third nun says, "this one does."

Is it a crime to put sodium chloride in your enemy's eyes?

"Is it a crime to put sodium chloride in your enemy's eyes?"

"Yes, that's assault."

"I know it's a salt but is it a crime?"

"Is it a crime to throw sodium chloride into enemy's eyes?"

"Yes, that's assault."

"I know its a salt but, is it a crime?

What is more difficult than getting an assault rifle in the U.S.?

Getting a water bottle in a Georgia voting line

There are serious injustices that have not been corrected in this world.

For example, beating up a white guy will get you much more prison time than beating up a black guy.

After all, Assault can get you up to 25 years, while impersonating a policeman will get you 5 at most.

What do you call 10,000 Lesbians armed with Assault Rifles?

Militia Etheridge

What happens when you smack Dwayne Johnson's butt?

You get arrested for sexual assault. What did you think was going to happen?

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the assault textual jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working assault lithium piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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