Comical Assault Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of s**... assault
After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been f**... them for decades.
Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this a**.... Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.
What do you call NaCl and a 9 volt being thrown at you?
Assault and battery.
An original: Why did the Ghost get cleared on s**... assault?
DNA evidence could not prove that he wraithed her.
Yes it's bad, but I was trying to think of a joke that involved the word wraith and this is the best I could come up with. Would love to hear other jokes that use the word wraith.
NaCl / NaOH
The base is under assault!
Why did Sodium Chloride get arrested?
Assault.
Police hunting a man for indecent assault.
Applications close next week.
Last night , A man best his wife with a flashlight outside the bar I work at
He's being charged with assault and the flashlight is being charged with battery...
Do you guys have any clean ish Super Hero jokes?
I'm going to be an Emcee at a superhero themed event and some jokes would be great. The s**... assault superman one just won't fly. Many people there aren't really into super heros but some (very few) are.
My favorite so far is...
If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up....they would be alloys.
They say the music you listen too is tied to your personality;I listen to Chris Brown.
Two counts of assault and one hit and run.
I don't get sports lingo.
It's always offsides this, penalty that, m**... this, s**... assault that.
Last night, a man assaulted me with milk, butter and cheese.
Not much to say really, I got whipped and he got charged with assault and buttery.
You can explore assault assailant reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean assault burglary dad jokes. There are also assault puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What did the Duracell Bunny get arrested for?
Assault and battery
Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.
"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"
"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."
Why is a fencing sword more likely to commit s**... assault
because its a bit rapier.
What do you call an assault which is both positive and negative?
A battery.
Did you hear the one about the American military aviation enthusiast who bought himself a French fighter plane?
He was arrested for possession of an Assault Rafale.
Bill Cosby was charged with s**... assault
I guess the proof was in the pudding
What did the Criminal call his new pretzel company?
Assault and Buttery
I was at a party...
I was walking around when I realized I had left my watch on the bed in the master bedroom. I worked my way through the crowd of people and opened the bedroom door. There on the bed was a guy who was s**... assaulting a drunk girl. I walked right up to him and punched him square in the face. Nobody is going to s**... assault a girl...not on my watch.
The police seem to be making up the law as they go along
I got into a fight with a white man last month, the police intervened and I was charged with assault.
Last night I beat up a black guy, they intervened again and they charged me with impersonating a police officer.
Two nuns in the park...
Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to s**... assault them.
Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"
Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!"
A sloth was walking through the jungle one day when he was set upon by a gang of vicious snails.
The snails left him bleeding and confused at the bottom of a tree. Several hours later he summoned the strength to go to the police station and report the assault.
He was asked by the desk sergeant to describe his attackers. He replied, I don't know what they looked like, it all happened so fast.
Breast feeding
I hate when people tell me to stop breast feeding in public.
I mean, whenever a baby does it it's natural but when I do it it's s**... assault
I was arrested for assault with a chicken.
The cops suspected foul play.
The man who stole my car was arrested for s**... assault
He was jacking my car
I killed a slug last night...
Got arrested for assault.
Did you hear about the guy who got pulled over?
The cops received a warrant and were able to search his car and they opened the glove box and ended up finding sodium chloride and a nine volt...
He got charged with assault and battery
I lost my job at the hospital today for s**... assault....
It's not my fault that they put up a sign that said, 'stroke patients downstairs'.
What did the court say about the s**... assault of a pope on a 14 yo girl?
"Eh, it's just a minor problem"
Donald Trump said, "I declare April as s**... Assault Awareness month."
His aide said, "So what do think are some good ways to prevent it?"
Trump replied, "Prevent it?"
Things that keep doctors away:
1: apples
2: assault by airplane staff
Oxygen and potassium went on a date...
...it went ok.
Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.
The other chemicals were like 'omg'!
Two noble gases went on a date.
There was no reaction.
Two protons went on a date.
There was no attraction.
Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.
They felt a little sour after it.
Hydrogen and nitrogen went on a date.
They had a basic night out.
Sodium and chlorine went on a date.
There was assault.
Potassium and water went on a date.
It was lit.
Someone threw a dollar coin at the Mayor of Detroit
Police are trying to figure out if it's assault or a bailout package.
Sodium Chloride and Sulphuric Acid were in jail
Turns out they were in for assault and battery
Why did the English teacher assault his dumb student?
He was hoping for a sentence.
A pastor was charge for assault after claiming he was a pacifist.
He also stated that if anybody disrespects the Bible they will catch these pastor fist.
A psycopath goes into a store
He approaches the person at the counter and asks:
-Hello sir, may I have an assault rifle, 3,000 rounds, a scope, and a box of penicillin?
-Sorry sir, I can't sell you penicillin without a prescription.
Michael J Fox is the next hollywood star accused of s**... assault.
His victim said "his hands were everywhere"
Captain Morgan now facing s**... assault accusations. Local authorities asking victims one question.
Have you had a little Captain in you?
Why do male victims in Hollywood forget their s**... assault incidents?
They were feeling Spacey.
What is the only trigonometric function with s**... assault allegations against it?
cos(b)
Finally decided to get some counseling on s**... assault.
Turns out, it's only for the victims.
s**... Assault...
....Its a touchy subject
Joke rules for my house:
First of all, most all jokes are acceptable in this house.. except abortion jokes. Because jokes are all about the delivery...
Absolutely no p**... jokes. Period. No s**... assault jokes.. thats a touchy subject. Dead baby jokes on the other hand.. never get old!
Everything in Australia can kill you
Except for one thing, an assault rifle
Everyone jokes that everything in Australia can kill you.
You know what probably won't kill you?
An Assault rifle.
Why is it a crime to put condiments on your power supply?
Because it's assault and battery.
I wanted a new drill for my birthday, so when my wife asked, I told her to get a Black and Decker...
She's due in court next week on a racially-aggravated assault charge.
I was filling my car with leaded gasoline wearing some comfortable aesbestos boots. As I popped a thalidomide pill into my mouth I thought...
"A government ban on assault weapons would never work..."
Did you hear about the guitar player who was arrested for s**... assault?
He was f**... A Minor......
#METOO
Many adults still read the symbol # as 'pound,' not 'hashtag' so imagine their surprise to learn a movement meant to bring awareness to s**... assault and harassment was named 'pound me too,'
*assault rifle tips fedora*
M'16.
What do you call an assault by a Pacific Islander?
Hawaiian Punch
Now that most of California has banned the use of straws,
I just going to have to drink my frappuccino through this assault rifle.
What did the dictionary go to jail for?
Textual Assault
A guy enters in a bar...
A angry guy enters in a bar with an assault rifle in his hands. When they saw him, every customers went silent in fear. The angry guy screamed : " where is the guy that slept with me wife?!? " Every customer stared at each other, then started laughing. "What's so funny?", asked the one holding the gun. A customer at the back of the back then yelled : "No chances you have enough ammo in there! "
How do you show a slug who's boss?
Assault him.
What did the water say after the HCl attacked the NaOH?
That's assault.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 was recently in court for sixual assault
What do you call a sword that commits s**... assault?
A Rapier!
Pakistani proverb.
Optimistic students take English. Pessimistic students take Chinese. Realists take Kalashnikov assault rifle.
I stopped hanging out with one of my friends when he was charged with s**... assault;;
I'm worried he might rub off on me.
A guy enters in a bar, angry af, with an assault rifle.
The whole place goes silent as he slams the door.
Angry guy : Who in here slept with my wife?!?
Some random guy at the back of the bar starts to laugh.
Angry guy : What's so funny?!?
Random guy : No chance you have enough bullets in that gun !
Being white can be hard...
I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy and then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
Me: is it a crime to throw sodium chloride at someone?
Judge: yes, that's assault.
Me: ik that's a salt, but is it a crime??
I was once assaulted by a group of mimes.
I never heard them coming
Chemistry Jokes
Me :Is it a crime to throw Sodium Chloride at a woman?
Judge: Yes, that's assault
Me: I know it's a salt but is it a crime?
What do the protesters season their food with?
Assault and pepper spray.
I used to make bets with a cop that he'd never get away with assault.
He beat me every time.
The other day I punched a white dude and got arrested for assault,
Today I punched a black guy and got arrested for impersonating a police officer.
Ron Jeremy was arrested for s**... assault
Because Ron Jeremy is 67 years old, Prosecutors are worried the evidence won't stand up in court.
Further, Ron Jeremy is entitled to a jury of his peers. Prosecutors are afraid it will be a hung jury.
Another three nuns joke....Three nuns are walking home late one night when suddenly they are attacked by three men.
The men pull them into the bushes and begin to assault them.
The first nun, clutching her rosary beads says, "forgive him Lord, he knows not what he does."
The second one closes her eyes and says, "forgive him Lord, he knows not what he does."
The third nun says, "this one does."
Is it a crime to put sodium chloride in your enemy's eyes?
"Is it a crime to put sodium chloride in your enemy's eyes?"
"Yes, that's assault."
"I know it's a salt but is it a crime?"
"Is it a crime to throw sodium chloride into enemy's eyes?"
"Yes, that's assault."
"I know its a salt but, is it a crime?
What is more difficult than getting an assault rifle in the U.S.?
Getting a water bottle in a Georgia voting line
There are serious injustices that have not been corrected in this world.
For example, beating up a white guy will get you much more prison time than beating up a black guy.
After all, Assault can get you up to 25 years, while impersonating a policeman will get you 5 at most.
What do you call 10,000 l**... armed with Assault Rifles?
Militia Etheridge
What happens when you s**... Dwayne Johnson's b**...?
You get arrested for s**... assault. What did you think was going to happen?
R Kelly found guilty of 11 counts of s**... assault
Or 18, if you ask him to do the maths
I punched a white man in the face and was arrested for assault..
The next day when I got out, I punched a black man in the face and was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
I heard a joke about oxygen and potassium. I'd say it was pretty OK.
Yea, I also heard that sodium was under assault.
Social experiment…
I punched a white guy and got arrested for assault. When they let me out I punched a black guy and got arrested… for impersonating a police officer.
My wife attacked me with a baguette
She's been charged for assault with a breadly weapon
What's the opposite of assault?
A sugar?
💀
My wife pinches me for not wearing green. Babe, that's assault!
Wife: Yeah, but it's just a pinch assault
Did you hear Sodium attacked Chloride
Yeah, it was assault
I threw a seasoning at someone they said it was assault
But it was pepper
(OC)
I once abused someone with a dictionary...
The judge didn't know whether to charge me with verbal or physical assault
What is it called when you touch a couch inappropriately?
Sectional assault.
Trial
A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.
He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."
