Assault Jokes

Following is our collection of assailant humor and raid one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Assault puns for adults, dirty burglary jokes or clean naoh gags for kids.

There is an abundance of textual jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 87 funniest jokes on assault. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any lithium witze you can hear about assault.

The Best jokes about Assault

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

Oxygen and potassium went on a date...

...it went ok.

Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.

The other chemicals were like 'omg'!

Two noble gases went on a date.

There was no reaction.

Two protons went on a date.

There was no attraction.

Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.

They felt a little sour after it.

Hydrogen and nitrogen went on a date.

They had a basic night out.

Sodium and chlorine went on a date.

There was assault.

Potassium and water went on a date.

It was lit.

The other day I punched a white dude and got arrested for assault,

Today I punched a black guy and got arrested for impersonating a police officer.

I was at a party...

I was walking around when I realized I had left my watch on the bed in the master bedroom. I worked my way through the crowd of people and opened the bedroom door. There on the bed was a guy who was sexually assaulting a drunk girl. I walked right up to him and punched him square in the face. Nobody is going to sexually assault a girl...not on my watch.

Donald Trump said, "I declare April as Sexual Assault Awareness month."

His aide said, "So what do think are some good ways to prevent it?"

Trump replied, "Prevent it?"


Sodium Chloride and Sulphuric Acid were in jail

Turns out they were in for assault and battery

The police seem to be making up the law as they go along

I got into a fight with a white man last month, the police intervened and I was charged with assault.

Last night I beat up a black guy, they intervened again and they charged me with impersonating a police officer.

I lost my job at the hospital today for sexual assault....

It's not my fault that they put up a sign that said, 'stroke patients downstairs'.

NaCl / NaOH

The base is under assault!

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

Chemistry Jokes

Me :Is it a crime to throw Sodium Chloride at a woman?
Judge: Yes, that's assault
Me: I know it's a salt but is it a crime?


Bill Cosby was charged with sexual assault

I guess the proof was in the pudding

*assault rifle tips fedora*

M'16.

I was filling my car with leaded gasoline wearing some comfortable aesbestos boots. As I popped a thalidomide pill into my mouth I thought...

"A government ban on assault weapons would never work..."

A psycopath goes into a store

He approaches the person at the counter and asks:

-Hello sir, may I have an assault rifle, 3,000 rounds, a scope, and a box of penicillin?

-Sorry sir, I can't sell you penicillin without a prescription.

A guy enters in a bar, angry af, with an assault rifle.

The whole place goes silent as he slams the door.

Angry guy : Who in here slept with my wife?!?

Some random guy at the back of the bar starts to laugh.

Angry guy : What's so funny?!?

Random guy : No chance you have enough bullets in that gun !

Two nuns in the park...

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.

Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!"

Now that most of California has banned the use of straws,

I just going to have to drink my frappuccino through this assault rifle.

Why did Sodium Chloride get arrested?

Assault.


Why is it a crime to put condiments on your power supply?

Because it's assault and battery.

Joke rules for my house:

First of all, most all jokes are acceptable in this house.. except abortion jokes. Because jokes are all about the delivery...
Absolutely no PMS jokes. Period. No sexual assault jokes.. thats a touchy subject. Dead baby jokes on the other hand.. never get old!

Someone threw a dollar coin at the Mayor of Detroit

Police are trying to figure out if it's assault or a bailout package.

Everyone jokes that everything in Australia can kill you.

You know what probably won't kill you?

An Assault rifle.

Things that keep doctors away:

1: apples

2: assault by airplane staff

Ron Jeremy was arrested for sexual assault

Because Ron Jeremy is 67 years old, Prosecutors are worried the evidence won't stand up in court.
Further, Ron Jeremy is entitled to a jury of his peers. Prosecutors are afraid it will be a hung jury.

Me: is it a crime to throw sodium chloride at someone?

Judge: yes, that's assault.


Me: ik that's a salt, but is it a crime??

Did you hear about the guy who got pulled over?

The cops received a warrant and were able to search his car and they opened the glove box and ended up finding sodium chloride and a nine volt...

He got charged with assault and battery

Why is a fencing sword more likely to commit sexual assault

because its a bit rapier.

A guy enters in a bar...

A angry guy enters in a bar with an assault rifle in his hands. When they saw him, every customers went silent in fear. The angry guy screamed : " where is the guy that slept with me wife?!? " Every customer stared at each other, then started laughing. "What's so funny?", asked the one holding the gun. A customer at the back of the back then yelled : "No chances you have enough ammo in there! "

Being white can be hard...

I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy and then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

Did you hear the one about the American military aviation enthusiast who bought himself a French fighter plane?

He was arrested for possession of an Assault Rafale.

Finally decided to get some counseling on sexual assault.

Turns out, it's only for the victims.

What do you call NaCl and a 9 volt being thrown at you?

Assault and battery.

I don't get sports lingo.

It's always offsides this, penalty that, murder this, sexual assault that.

What did the Duracell Bunny get arrested for?

Assault and battery

What do you call a sword that commits sexual assault?

A Rapier!

Police hunting a man for indecent assault.

Applications close next week.

I wanted a new drill for my birthday, so when my wife asked, I told her to get a Black and Decker...

She's due in court next week on a racially-aggravated assault charge.

Captain Morgan now facing sexual assault accusations. Local authorities asking victims one question.

Have you had a little Captain in you?

I stopped hanging out with one of my friends when he was charged with sexual assault;;

I'm worried he might rub off on me.

Everything in Australia can kill you

Except for one thing, an assault rifle

I was arrested for assault with a chicken.

The cops suspected foul play.

Why did the English teacher assault his dumb student?

He was hoping for a sentence.

I was once assaulted by a group of mimes.

I never heard them coming

Michael J Fox is the next hollywood star accused of sexual assault.

His victim said "his hands were everywhere"

What do you call an assault which is both positive and negative?

A battery.

What do the protesters season their food with?

Assault and pepper spray.

What did the water say after the HCl attacked the NaOH?

That's assault.

Sexual Assault...

....Its a touchy subject

#METOO

Many adults still read the symbol # as 'pound,' not 'hashtag' so imagine their surprise to learn a movement meant to bring awareness to sexual assault and harassment was named 'pound me too,'

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was recently in court for sixual assault

What do you call an assault by a Pacific Islander?

Hawaiian Punch

What is the only trigonometric function with sexual assault allegations against it?

cos(b)

An original: Why did the Ghost get cleared on sexual assault?

DNA evidence could not prove that he wraithed her.

Yes it's bad, but I was trying to think of a joke that involved the word wraith and this is the best I could come up with. Would love to hear other jokes that use the word wraith.

Breast feeding

I hate when people tell me to stop breast feeding in public.

I mean, whenever a baby does it it's natural but when I do it it's sexual assault

A sloth was walking through the jungle one day when he was set upon by a gang of vicious snails.

The snails left him bleeding and confused at the bottom of a tree. Several hours later he summoned the strength to go to the police station and report the assault.

He was asked by the desk sergeant to describe his attackers. He replied, I don't know what they looked like, it all happened so fast.

I killed a slug last night...

Got arrested for assault.

They say the music you listen too is tied to your personality;I listen to Chris Brown.

Two counts of assault and one hit and run.

Last night, a man assaulted me with milk, butter and cheese.

Not much to say really, I got whipped and he got charged with assault and buttery.

Did you hear about the guitar player who was arrested for sexual assault?

He was fingering A Minor......

How to Tell the Difference Between the Branches of the US Armed Forces!

If you give the command "SECURE THE BUILDING", here is what the different services would do:

The NAVY would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The ARMY would surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.

The MARINE CORPS would assault the building, using overlapping fields of fire from all appropriate points on the perimeter.

The AIR FORCE would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy the building.

Do you guys have any clean ish Super Hero jokes?

I'm going to be an Emcee at a superhero themed event and some jokes would be great. The sexual assault superman one just won't fly. Many people there aren't really into super heros but some (very few) are.

My favorite so far is...

If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up....they would be alloys.

What did the dictionary go to jail for?

Textual Assault

What did the court say about the sexual assault of a pope on a 14 yo girl?

"Eh, it's just a minor problem"

The man who stole my car was arrested for sexual assault

He was jacking my car

What did the Criminal call his new pretzel company?

Assault and Buttery

I used to make bets with a cop that he'd never get away with assault.

He beat me every time.

With all the recent allegations of sexual assault...

I want to come out that I sexually assaulted a lamp. I know it isn't illegal, but it does shed light on my past

Chumlee was arrested for sexual assault, drugs, and guns.

Do you think Rick will go to the court and haggle down his sentence?

A pastor was charge for assault after claiming he was a pacifist.

He also stated that if anybody disrespects the Bible they will catch these pastor fist.

Why is mace an assault

When it's really a pepper

I kicked a nasty habit today.

Consequently, the nun wearing it filed assault charges against me.

Last night , A man best his wife with a flashlight outside the bar I work at

He's being charged with assault and the flashlight is being charged with battery...

A child walks into a supermarket in America.

A child walks into a supermarket in America and tries to buy 5 bars of snickers and an assault rifle. The cashier saids, 'I'm sorry, I can't sell this to you'. The child replies; 'Why?' The cashier then saids; 'that's too much chocolate for a little boy to have'.

With all these workplace sexual assault cases it makes me wonder.

How has Ron Jeremy gotten away with it all these years?

What institution has powerful old men who sexually assault people, has a sick inner circle of keeping people quite, influenced thousands of people, and has a black book?

Hollywood

what does alex trebeck say before committing assault?

oooh im sorry, the correct answer was yes

How do you call an assault made by twins?

Attack of the clones

Bill Cosby found guilty for all sexual assault charges due to irrefutable evidence.

The proof was in his pudding.

[OC] Two peanuts were walking down the street

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

The assailant, a third peanut not known to the victim or his friend, pleaded "not guilty" on grounds of insanity; however, after much deliberation, he was sentenced to five years for the assault, because he wasn't a nut at all.

How do you show a slug who's boss?

Assault him.

What do you call a racist cake shaped like a Soviet assault rifle?

A cake AK.

Me and my girlfriend go really well together. First off, we've both been arrested.

Her for aggravated assault and me for aggravated apepper

French assault rifle for sale:

Never fired, dropped only once.

Went to to the doctor the other day to check my reflexes

Now he's suing me for assault because I made him infertile

Supa Hot Fire was recently arrested on charges of sexual assault.

But he's not a rapist.

I attacked a man with a spliff yesterday...

I was charged with "assault using a blunt instrument"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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