Assault Jokes

156 assault jokes and hilarious assault puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about assault that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover why assault jokes are so popular and controversial, potentially putting falsely accused people in danger. Dive into the legal ramifications of assault and battery, domestic assault and the use of "assault bike" as a joke. Get all the facts to help you make an informed decision on the subject of assault jokes.

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Funniest Assault Short Jokes

Short assault jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The assault humour may include short violence jokes also.

  1. I punched a white man in the face and was arrested for assault.. The next day when I got out, I punched a black man in the face and was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
  2. The other day I punched a white dude and got arrested for assault, Today I punched a black guy and got arrested for impersonating a police officer.
  3. Sodium Chloride and Sulphuric Acid were in jail Turns out they were in for assault and battery
  4. I once abused someone with a dictionary... The judge didn't know whether to charge me with verbal or physical assault
  5. The police are saying I "assaulted" some guy with a sheet of sandpaper. But I only roughed him up a bit.
  6. I heard a joke about oxygen and potassium. I'd say it was pretty OK. Yea, I also heard that sodium was under assault.
  7. Chemistry Jokes Me :Is it a crime to throw Sodium Chloride at a woman?
    Judge: Yes, that's assault
    Me: I know it's a salt but is it a crime?
  8. What is more difficult than getting an assault rifle in the U.S.? Getting a water bottle in a Georgia voting line
  9. I was filling my car with leaded gasoline wearing some comfortable aesbestos boot. As I popped a thalidomide pill into my mouth I thought... "A government ban on assault weapons would never work..."
  10. Is it a crime to put sodium chloride in your enemy's eyes? "Is it a crime to put sodium chloride in your enemy's eyes?"
    "Yes, that's assault."
    "I know it's a salt but is it a crime?"

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Assault One Liners

Which assault one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with assault? I can suggest the ones about attack and insult.

  1. My wife attacked me with a baguette She's been charged for assault with a breadly weapon
  2. A man just assaulted me with milk, butter and cheese How dairy
  3. NaCl / NaOH The base is under assault!
  4. *assault rifle tips fedora* M'16.
  5. Why did Sodium Chloride get arrested? Assault.
  6. Can you believe a man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter... How dairy!
  7. Things that keep doctors away: 1: apples
    2: assault by airplane staff
  8. I threw a seasoning at someone they said it was assault But it was pepper
  9. A cop walks into a bar Then places it under arrest for assaulting an officer
  10. Did you hear Sodium attacked Chloride Yeah, it was assault
  11. What do you call NaCl and a 9 volt being thrown at you? Assault and battery.
  12. What did the Duracell Bunny get arrested for? Assault and battery
  13. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted
  14. Police hunting a man for indecent assault. Applications close next week.
  15. What's the opposite of assault? A sugar?

Assault And Battery Jokes

Here is a list of funny assault and battery jokes and even better assault and battery puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why is it a crime to put condiments on your power supply? Because it's assault and battery.
  • A robot assaulted a man. He was charged with battery.
  • What do you call an assault which is both positive and negative? A battery.
  • Last night , A man best his wife with a flashlight outside the bar I work at He's being charged with assault and the flashlight is being charged with battery...
  • One time, I was served seasoned capacitors for dinner It was so bad they charged the restaurant with assault and battery
  • What's the difference between a drunken brawler and a lithium chloride power cell? One's charged with assault and battery and the other's a battery charged with a salt.
  • Sodium chloride and sulphuric acid were arrested... They were charged with assault and battery
  • What was the criminal electronic's punishment? Assault and battery
  • Did you hear about the guy who attacked his neighbor with a D Cell? He got charged with Assault with a Battery.
  • Did you hear about the power source that was arrested for assault? It was charged with battery.

Assault Rifle Jokes

Here is a list of funny assault rifle jokes and even better assault rifle puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Now that most of California has banned the use of straws, I just going to have to drink my frappuccino through this assault rifle.
  • Everyone jokes that everything in Australia can kill you. You know what probably won't kill you?
    An Assault rifle.
  • Everything in Australia can kill you Except for one thing, an assault rifle
  • Pakistani proverb. Optimistic students take English. Pessimistic students take Chinese. Realists take Kalashnikov assault rifle.
  • French assault rifle for sale: Never fired, dropped only once.
  • What do you call a racist cake shaped like a Soviet assault rifle? A cake AK.
  • What's the difference between a liberal disagreeing with a republican and a republican disagreeing with a liberal? a pound of c4 and an assault rifle.
  • I don't own any assault rifles Just defence rifles
  • The most likely place to find an assault rifle is... on the spices rack, next to the apepper rifle.
  • What goes good with an assault rifle? Pepper spray
Assault joke, What goes good with an assault rifle?

Assault joke, What goes good with an assault rifle?

Comical Assault Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter

What funny jokes about assault you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean assassination jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make assault pranks.

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of s**... assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been f**... them for decades.
Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this a**.... Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

An original: Why did the Ghost get cleared on s**... assault?

DNA evidence could not prove that he wraithed her.
Yes it's bad, but I was trying to think of a joke that involved the word wraith and this is the best I could come up with. Would love to hear other jokes that use the word wraith.

Do you guys have any clean ish Super Hero jokes?

I'm going to be an Emcee at a superhero themed event and some jokes would be great. The s**... assault superman one just won't fly. Many people there aren't really into super heros but some (very few) are.
My favorite so far is...
If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up....they would be alloys.

They say the music you listen too is tied to your personality;I listen to Chris Brown.

Two counts of assault and one hit and run.

I don't get sports lingo.

It's always offsides this, penalty that, m**... this, s**... assault that.

Last night, a man assaulted me with milk, butter and cheese.

Not much to say really, I got whipped and he got charged with assault and buttery.

Supa Hot Fire was recently arrested on charges of s**... assault.

But he's not a r**....


If a guy gets drunk on tequila, and beats you up... then he's guilty of agavated assault.

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"
"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

Why is a fencing sword more likely to commit s**... assault

because its a bit rapier.

Did you hear the one about the American military aviation enthusiast who bought himself a French fighter plane?

He was arrested for possession of an Assault Rafale.

Bill Cosby was charged with s**... assault

I guess the proof was in the pudding

What did the Criminal call his new pretzel company?

Assault and Buttery

A man was arrested today after he beat a woman half to death with a bag of chips

Police are calling it assault and vinegar.

How did the Linux admin commit assault?

He sudo bashed someone.

I was at a party...

I was walking around when I realized I had left my watch on the bed in the master bedroom. I worked my way through the crowd of people and opened the bedroom door. There on the bed was a guy who was s**... assaulting a drunk girl. I walked right up to him and punched him square in the face. Nobody is going to s**... assault a girl...not on my watch.

Chumlee was arrested for s**... assault, drugs, and guns.

Do you think Rick will go to the court and haggle down his sentence?

The police seem to be making up the law as they go along

I got into a fight with a white man last month, the police intervened and I was charged with assault.
Last night I beat up a black guy, they intervened again and they charged me with impersonating a police officer.

Two nuns in the park...

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to s**... assault them.
Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"
Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!"

What do you call violence in the kitchen?

Assault and pepper

A sloth was walking through the jungle one day when he was set upon by a gang of vicious snails.

The snails left him bleeding and confused at the bottom of a tree. Several hours later he summoned the strength to go to the police station and report the assault.
He was asked by the desk sergeant to describe his attackers. He replied, I don't know what they looked like, it all happened so fast.

Breast feeding

I hate when people tell me to stop breast feeding in public.
I mean, whenever a baby does it it's natural but when I do it it's s**... assault

I was arrested for assault with a chicken.

The cops suspected foul play.

The man who stole my car was arrested for s**... assault

He was jacking my car

I killed a slug last night...

Got arrested for assault.

Did you hear about the guy who got pulled over?

The cops received a warrant and were able to search his car and they opened the glove box and ended up finding sodium chloride and a nine volt...
He got charged with assault and battery

I lost my job at the hospital today for s**... assault....

It's not my fault that they put up a sign that said, 'stroke patients downstairs'.

I ran into a movie star the other day...

Now he's suing for assault.

Bill Cosby found guilty for all s**... assault charges due to irrefutable evidence.

The proof was in his pudding.

What did the court say about the s**... assault of a pope on a 14 yo girl?

"Eh, it's just a minor problem"

Donald Trump said, "I declare April as s**... Assault Awareness month."

His aide said, "So what do think are some good ways to prevent it?"
Trump replied, "Prevent it?"

Oxygen and potassium went on a date... went ok.
Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.
The other chemicals were like 'omg'!
Two noble gases went on a date.
There was no reaction.
Two protons went on a date.
There was no attraction.
Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.
They felt a little sour after it.
Hydrogen and nitrogen went on a date.
They had a basic night out.
Sodium and chlorine went on a date.
There was assault.
Potassium and water went on a date.
It was lit.

A piano player is being investigated for assault

Good thing he is only A Minor and is able to B Sharp enough to escape the cops.

Someone threw a dollar coin at the mayor of Detroit

Police are trying to figure out if it's assault or a bailout package.

Why did the English teacher assault his dumb student?

He was hoping for a sentence.

A pastor was charge for assault after claiming he was a pacifist.

He also stated that if anybody disrespects the Bible they will catch these pastor fist.

How do you call an assault made by twins?

Attack of the clones

A psycopath goes into a store

He approaches the person at the counter and asks:
-Hello sir, may I have an assault rifle, 3,000 rounds, a scope, and a box of penicillin?
-Sorry sir, I can't sell you penicillin without a prescription.

What institution has powerful old men who s**... assault people, has a sick inner circle of keeping people quite, influenced thousands of people, and has a black book?


With all the recent allegations of s**... assault...

I want to come out that I s**... assaulted a lamp. I know it isn't i**..., but it does shed light on my past

Michael J Fox is the next hollywood star accused of s**... assault.

His victim said "his hands were everywhere"

Captain Morgan now facing s**... assault accusations. Local authorities asking victims one question.

Have you had a little Captain in you?

Why do male victims in Hollywood forget their s**... assault incidents?

They were feeling Spacey.

I attacked a man with a spliff yesterday...

I was charged with "assault using a blunt instrument"

With all these workplace s**... assault cases it makes me wonder.

How has Ron Jeremy gotten away with it all these years?

what does alex trebeck say before committing assault?

oooh im sorry, the correct answer was yes

What is the only trigonometric function with s**... assault allegations against it?


s**... assault allegations in 2017 are like Pringles.

You can't have just one.

Finally decided to get some counseling on s**... assault.

Turns out, it's only for the victims.

s**... Assault...

....Its a touchy subject

Joke rules for my house:

First of all, most all jokes are acceptable in this house.. except abortion jokes. Because jokes are all about the delivery...
Absolutely no p**... jokes. Period. No s**... assault jokes.. thats a touchy subject. Dead baby jokes on the other hand.. never get old!

I know for a fact that David Copperfield didn't s**... assault that woman.

If he had, afterwards he would have made her disappear.

Why is mace an assault

When it's really a pepper

I wanted a new drill for my birthday, so when my wife asked, I told her to get a Black and Decker...

She's due in court next week on a racially-aggravated assault charge.

Did you hear about the guitar player who was arrested for s**... assault?

He was f**... A Minor......

I'm in jail for assault, but I had to uphold my honor when he bit his thumb at me.

That'll teach that baby...


Many adults still read the symbol # as 'pound,' not 'hashtag' so imagine their surprise to learn a movement meant to bring awareness to s**... assault and harassment was named 'pound me too,'

What do you call an assault by a Pacific Islander?

Hawaiian Punch

What did the dictionary go to jail for?

Textual Assault

A guy enters in a bar...

A angry guy enters in a bar with an assault rifle in his hands. When they saw him, every customers went silent in fear. The angry guy screamed : " where is the guy that slept with me wife?!? " Every customer stared at each other, then started laughing. "What's so funny?", asked the one holding the gun. A customer at the back of the back then yelled : "No chances you have enough ammo in there! "

How do you show a slug who's boss?

Assault him.

What did the water say after the HCl attacked the NaOH?

That's assault.

I think that people who say AR-15 stands for assault rifle are s**....


Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was recently in court for sixual assault

What do you call a sword that commits s**... assault?

A Rapier!

Assault joke, What do you call a sword that commits s**... assault?

jokes about assault